Fuck. Fuckin’. Fucker. Motherfucker. You like the word “fuck”? Well, you’re fuckin’ gonna hear it a lot of fuckin’ times in Joe Begos’ Christmas Bloody fuckin’ Christmas, motherfucker.
Now, I don’t really have a problem with cursing in movies. In fact, in the right hands, it can be almost poetic. Think David Mamet or Quentin Tarantino. However, when the cursing is gratuitous for the sake of being gratuitous, it gets tiresome. Fast.
Like Tarantino, Begos peppers some of the foulmouthed conversations with pop culture references. These conversations never once sound natural and feel just as forced as the cursing. Music and movie lovers don’t really talk like that in real life. The only place music and movie lovers talk like that is in the movies.
Fortunately for the audience, once the characters stop swearing and start screaming, the movie improves dramatically. Not enough to completely wash away the sour aftertaste of the first hour or so, but Begos does deliver a solid finale. It’s like a bratty kid who starts being good in December so Santa will take him off the “Naughty” list.
Speaking of Santa, the plot has something to do with government robot soldiers being discontinued and repurposed as department store Santas. One such robot becomes sentient and begins chopping up bad boys and girls. He eventually sets his sights on the foulmouthed proprietor of a record store (Riley Dandy), who fights back in fine Final Girl fashion.
Maybe Begos was stacking the deck here. Maybe he wanted us to hate the characters just as much as RoboSanta did so that we cheer when they finally get axed, bludgeoned, and stomped. That still doesn’t excuse the fact why he made the movie so damned hard to look at. With the garish neon, blacklights, and oversaturated lighting, the movie often looks like a cinematic version of an ugly Christmas sweater.
Begos has made a career aping John Carpenter. Almost Human was his version of The Thing and VFW was Begos’ homage to Assault on Precinct 13. This is his riff on Halloween (the Santa jolts up just like Michael Myers did), as well as James Cameron’s The Terminator (which itself was a riff on Halloween). This is probably his least successful Carpenter variation, but there’s enough good stuff in the last twenty minutes to make me hopeful that next time he’ll branch out and try something original instead of just riffing on Carpenter.
Speaking of riffing, Jonah Ray, the new host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 plays the first victim. It’s funny how art imitates life. First you make fun of bad movies. Then you’re in one. Christmas Bloody Christmas may not be great, but if you ever wanted to see the host of MST3K eat ass, then I guess it will fit the bill.
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