DORIS DECEMBER: SATAN WAS A LADY (1975) **

Satan was a Lady was Doris Wishman’s first foray into hardcore pornography.  Up until then, she had made many “roughie” movies, but none of them crossed the line into full-on penetration.  I tried to be as forgiving as I could seeing as Doris was just getting her feet (no pun intended) wet in the genre.  Even with that in mind, it’s kind of tough to sit through in some places.

Terry (Annie Sprinkle) catches her little sister Claudia (Bree Anthony) engaging in pre-marital sex with her fiancé Victor (Tony Richards).  She then goes running into the arms of Bobby (Bobby Astyr) for a little bondage action.  Later, it’s revealed Terry is also romancing Victor behind her sister’s back.  

Other than Sprinkle’s bondage scene, the sex scenes are mostly cliché (there’s even a part where lovers bang on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace for God’s sake) and unsexy, which is the main problem, seeing as this is a sex flick and all.  It doesn’t help that one of the scenes plays out in a long loop, unapologetically replaying the same footage again and again.  Even with the engaging presence of Sprinkle, they are mostly lackluster.  It’s telling that the best part of the movie is Sprinkle’s solo scene where she pleasures herself.  I have a feeling Doris did very little directing on this sequence.  She just put the camera down and let Sprinkle do all the work.  In fact, if it wasn’t for Annie’s sex appeal, Satan was a Lady would’ve been completely forgettable.

This isn’t one of Wishman’s best, but there are plenty of her trademarks on display:  Awkward phone conversations, odd dubbing and voiceovers (that’s Doris’s voice as the characters’ “thoughts”), the recycling of stock footage from her old nudie movies, pointless scenes of people walking in Central Park to help pad out the running time, a long negative image sex scene, and of course, feet (although, quite honestly, not as many as I was expecting).  It’s all pretty much plotless and dull until the completely random Diabolique-inspired twist ending occurs.  Since there had been so little plot leading up to the big reveal, it was hard to care about the outcome either way.   

DORIS DECEMBER: COME WITH ME MY LOVE (1976) ***

I bet you guys and gals thought Doris December was over.  Well, after watching twenty-two Doris Wishman movies in three days’ time, I just needed a little break.  Before the month is out, I plan on watching a couple of her forays into the world of hardcore smut.  First up is Come with Me My Love.  

In 1925, a jealous husband (Jeffrey Hurst) catches his wife (Ursula Austin) and her lover in the throes of passion.  Enraged, he guns them both down before turning the weapon on himself.  Fifty years later, a woman who resembles his dead wife (also Austin) rents the apartment where the murders took place.  Before long, the ghost of the husband is not only seducing her, but also killing anyone who makes love to her.  

This is actually a decent little horror porno, made all the more interesting by all the trademark Doris Wishman touches.  Wishman’s films always had a handmade feel to them, and this one is no different.  Her fingerprints are all over this one.  (She obviously dubbed the “voice” of the ghostly whispering.)  If you’re hoping to see Doris’ signature cinematic flourishes on display, Come with Me My Love doesn’t disappoint.  She gives us random shots of feet, inexplicable narration, shoddy voiceovers, predominantly one apartment location (when Austin goes to Annie Sprinkle’s apartment, she remarks it looks exactly like hers) gratuitous shots of clothing hitting the floor, long scenes of characters looking at themselves in the mirror, bathtub scenes with an overly bombastic score, and awkward phone conversations.  There’s also an instance where Doris reuses footage from one of her previous films, in this case the sparking ring scene from Double Agent 73 to simulate the sparks during the bathtub electrocution scene.  Her penchant for negative shots also crops up again during the (overused) shots of the “ghost” spying on Austin.

Surprisingly enough, Doris does a more than competent job on the sex scenes as they are above average as far as ‘70s smut movies go.  (The stereotypically ‘70s porn music is particularly good.)  Editing was never Wishman’s strong suit but Come with Me My Love is put together rather well.  There’s a real rhythm to the cutting during the sex scenes (especially the group ones) that help enhance the sensuality.  Many of these scenes even have a sense of humor about them (like when Vanessa del Rio says she’s giving her boyfriend “something to eat” and the camera cuts to him going down on her), which helps make them even more engaging.  

It also helps that the story is simple but effective.  Besides, there’s enough sex and violence here to satisfy fans of either the XXX or horror genre.  Even though some may look down on it because it’s a porno, Come with Me My Love remains one of Wishman’s best efforts.  

AKA:  Come with Me, My Ghost.  AKA:  Stay with Me My Love.  AKA:  With Me My Love.  AKA:  The Haunted Pussy.

BLACK ADAM (2022) **

Black Adam has been The Rock’s passion project for years.  It seems like ever since he became a movie star he’s been wanting to play Black Adam.  You would never know this from looking at him in the movie as he at all times seemed broody, gloomy, and bored.  Maybe it was a case of miscasting.  The Rock is a likeable, funny, gregarious guy.  Seeing him play such a predominantly petulant superhero isn’t very much fun at all.  Even when he does crack the errant joke, it lands with a thud, thanks to his stoneface delivery. 

An archaeologist (Sarah Shahi) looking for the Crown of McGuffin unleashes the ancient superhero Black Adam from his centuries-long slumber to save her from some bad guys.  She and her annoying son (Bodhi Sabongui) then try to acclimate Adam to the 21st century, but they are interrupted by the Justice Society who want Adam to surrender to them.  When a bad dude dons the crown and becomes a devilish monster bent on bringing Hell on Earth, Adam reluctantly joins forces with the Justice Society to save the day.  

I guess the draw here is that Black Adam is an anti-hero, who unlike Superman, uses his superpower to kill bad guys.  We know he’s an anti-hero because there’s a scene where he watches Clint Eastwood in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly on TV.  You know, just in case we needed it spelled out for us.  Other than the fact that he occasionally turns dudes into skeletons and shit, it's another day at the superhero office.  

The best moments belong to the Justice Society.  So much so that you kind of wish you were watching them starring in their own movie.  Aldis Hodge does a fine job as the leader, Hawkman.  Noah Centineo gets the only laughs in the movie as the bumbling Atom Smasher who is still getting used to his Giant-Man-style powers.  (Seeing Henry Winkler turn up in a cameo as the previous version of the character was cool too.)  Quintessa Swindell is also quite good as the superheroine Cyclone, but it’s Pierce Brosnan who steals the movie as Dr. Fate.  He's dashing, debonair, and badass playing a character that’s equal parts Doctor Strange and The Shadow, and even gets to dust off some of that old time James Bond charisma.  

Watching this with the knowledge that he won’t be coming back, this is (probably) the last time we get to see Henry Cavill as Superman.  Traditionally, Black Adam is the flipside of Shazam, but The Rock strongarmed Shazam out of the movie in favor of Superman.  It’s funny because he’s only on screen for about five seconds and says, “We should talk”.  About what, we’ll never know since the DC Universe is getting chucked into the toilet and rebooted.  If they keep making movies as forgettable as Black Adam, I’d say a reboot is needed the sooner the better.  

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½

THE MEAN ONE (2022) **

The Mean One has a great idea.  What if The Grinch not only stole Christmas, but slaughtered everyone who celebrated it?  We’ve had horror versions of children’s stories before (mostly fairy tales and shit), so why not The Grinch?  I guess they were able to get away with the blatant copyright infringement (the costume and make-up are extremely close to the Jim Carrey version) by making this a horror-comedy, so it may (or may not) fall under fair use because it’s a parody.  Like I said, the idea is great.  The execution leaves a little something to be desired.  

When she was a little girl, Cindy-You-Know-Who was visited by “The Mean One” (Art the Clown himself, David Howard Thornton) on Christmas Eve.  Her mother, thinking it was attacking her child, began to beat the crap out of the creature.  The Mean One killed her mother in self-defense, but the altercation caused its heart to become an empty hole.  From then on out at Christmas, he would brutally murder anyone who dared to show any sign of holiday cheer.  Twenty years later, the now-grown Cindy (Krystle Martin) returns to town to confront her childhood trauma.  After The Mean One kills her dad, Cindy sets out for revenge.  

I’m not going to lie.  There’s a couple of chuckles here.  The best moments are the ones that hew closest to the movie’s Grinchy inspiration and/or are in-jokes to the original.  (The town drunk is named “Dr. Zeus”.)  There were enough of these moments to fill a Grindhouse-style fake trailer, or perhaps even a twenty-minute short film.  It just doesn’t cut it as a feature length movie.  Sure, there are some funny bits, but the lulls in between them are long and frequent.  There’s a good scene where The Mean One massacres a bunch of guys dressed like Santa in a diner.  However, the flick needed one or two more scenes of this caliber (and a helluva lot less CGI blood) to really make it a winner.

It kind of reminded me of the first Leprechaun.  It had a cool premise, and some funny lines, but the franchise really didn’t find its footing until they started making sequels.  Maybe the makers of The Mean One will follow in the Leprechaun’s footprints.  I wouldn’t say no to a sequel.

The reason is Thornton’s performance.  He does another fine job buried under a bunch of make-up and an elaborate costume.  He gives The Grin… er… Mean One a mischievous menace and does a helluva lot better job than Jim Carrey.  

Martin is pretty good too.  Not many actresses working today can wield a baseball bat wrapped in Christmas lights that makes lightsaber sounds and make it look plausible, but she is definitely one of them.  She also gets the best line of the movie when she says, “Let’s roast this beast!”

FEMALIEN: STARLIGHT SAGA (2022) *

I was excited when I saw this was added to Tubi.  Even though I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of the last Femalien sequel, Cosmic Crush, a new Femalien movie should be cause for celebration.  I mean, how can you go wrong with a Skinamax flick featuring sexy space babes?  As it turns out, things go very wrong very fast.  

I was actually a bit taken aback by the opening Star Wars-inspired scene of spaceships engaged in a dogfight as it was a hundred times better than the effects seen in Cosmic Crush.  I thought to myself, “Wow, producer Charles Band actually spent a little money this time out.”  When Christine Nguyen showed up as the evil space queen, it brought a smile to my face.  That smile broadened when I saw Erika Jordan as her sultry henchwoman.  Then, it cut to Jazy Berlin and Brandin Rackley in the other ship and I thought… Hey!  Wait a minute!  I’ve seen this before!  

About five minutes into the flick, I realized I was watching a re-edited version of Fred Olen Ray’s Dirty Blondes from Beyond.  Charles Band didn’t pay for those special effects!  Fred Olen Ray did.  Band was cheaper than I thought.  

But wait, it gets worse.  As the movie goes on, it also tosses in scenes from Dean McKendrick’s Deadly Pickup and Intergalactic Swingers!  Adding to the confusion is the fact that Kira Noir is introduced in the opening scene as Maxy Prime, the Femalien, but she also appears in the scenes from Deadly Pickup playing an entirely different character!  Similarly, Jordan also appears as two different characters from two different movies as well, but I guess that slipped by the editor.  

Watching a re-edited version of a bunch of Retromedia’s Skinamax movies isn’t the worst way to spend your time.  That is, unless, this is going to be another one of those Full Moon movies they show on Tubi that have all the sex scenes cut out.  Much to my chagrin, that was exactly what this mess was.  Every time it looks like the actresses are about to get it on, it skips to another clip of another movie.  Aside from one brief glimpse of a sexy alien babe swimming nude in the pool, it’s virtually skin free.

I guess if I was as lazy as Band, I could’ve just cut and pasted chunks of my reviews of Dirty Blondes from Beyond, Deadly Pickup, and Intergalactic Swingers together and slapped a new title on it.  That wouldn’t have been professional.  In fact, I probably spent more time putting this review together than Band and company did making the “movie”.  

TRAILERS #4: HORROR/SCI-FI (1992) ***

Speaking as a connoisseur of trailer compilations, Something Weird’s Trailers #4:  Horror/Sci-Fi is a solid if unspectacular collection.  Unlike their previous installments, there’s a little bit more variety here in terms of eras as we get a good mix of previews from the ‘20s (The Mysterious Island) all the way to the ‘70s (Squirm).  I just wish there weren't as many repeats from other collections.  (A typical complaint I have with this series.)  As much as I love the movies themselves, there should be a moratorium on trailer comps that feature previews for Night of the Living Dead, The Tingler, and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Lovers of classic horror will be happy to know there’s a heavy concentration of Universal titles here.  Many of these collections feature titles starring the classic monsters from the golden age of horror.  This one tosses in the trailer for Jaws to sweeten the deal.  Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will enjoy seeing previews for The Killer Shrews, Eegah, and The Horror of Party Beach too.  

Other highlights are the trailers for It!  The Terror from Beyond Space (subliminal commands like “See It!” and “Don’t Miss It!” flash over scenes of the movie), The Phantom of the Paradise (narrated by Wolfman Jack), The Incredible Shrinking Man (narrated by Orson Welles), Wait Until Dark (in which theater patrons are asked not to smoke during the final eight minutes of the movie), and the Psycho re-release (“The Version TV Dare Not Show!”).  Some other favorites include Mad Monster Party, Silent Night Evil Night AKA:  Black Christmas (the TV spot is also shown), and Invasion of the Saucer Men.  While many of the trailers are enjoyable, the way they are so randomly assembled is sometimes good for a laugh.  Going from “Tubular Bells” in the trailer for The Exorcist to hearing “The Bird” in The Crawling Hand is especially humorous.  

The title library includes:  Frankenstein, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Time Machine, Freaks, It Came from Outer Space, Jaws, I Married a Monster from Outer Space, Man of a Thousand Faces, Them!, They Came from Within, King Kong, Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, The Legend of Hell House, The Tingler, Monster on the Campus, It! The Terror from Beyond Space, Phantom of the Paradise, The Phantom of the Opera (1962), The Mole People, Wait Until Dark, Son of Kong, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Squirm, Mad Monster Party, Psycho re-release, The Creeping Flesh, Homicidal, Night of the Living Dead, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), Invasion of the Saucer Men, The Green Slime, Willard, The War of the Worlds, “Nerv-O-Rama” Double Feature of Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory and Corridors of Blood, The Killer Shrews, Eegah, Creature from the Haunted Sea, The Creature Walks Among Us, The Horror of Party Beach, The Old Dark House, The Mysterious Island, Bride of Frankenstein, The Skull, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, From Hell It Came, Gorilla at Large, Bride of the Monster, a double feature of Revenge of Frankenstein and The Blob), The Haunting, The Mummy, Frankenstein 1970, The Slime People, Doctor Blood's Coffin, Mighty Joe Young, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Manster, The Exorcist, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Strangler, Curse of the Demon, The Abominable Snowman, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Devil-Doll, and The Climax.

SCREAMERS: THE HUNTING (2009) ***

The first Screamers starred Peter Weller and a bunch of little robot killers that burrowed underground and killed people like smaller versions of the worms in Tremors.  This thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel reintroduces us to the little robo-gophers of death in fine fashion with a decent scene of the mechanical moles slicing, dicing, and even decapitating a bunch of soldiers on a hostile planet.  One of them survives, sends out an S.O.S. beacon, and waits for reinforcements.  When the space marines arrive, they get more than they bargained for as the Screamers have now mutated into nearly human form.

If you have to make a thirteen years after the fact DTV sequel to something, this is probably the way to go about it.  Use a tried-and-true sequel trope (in this case, a bunch of soldiers encountering a whole mess of monsters a la Aliens), keep the pace moving, and deliver on the gore.  Heads are hacked off, guts are spilled, spikes impale chests, heads are split down the middle, and fists go through faces.  Pretty good stuff from something I had next-to-no expectations for.

I will say that the film works better in its first two acts when the Screamers are in their little mechanical form.  Once they turn into quasi-robo-zombies, it loses a little of the fun.  (The Big Bad Screamer was obviously influenced by Blade 2.)  Things almost fall apart at the end once our survivors meet the inventor of the Screamers (Lance Henriksen), who is almost immediately killed off after dispensing a bunch of (mostly) unnecessary exposition.  

However, the final scene is a real winner and just about singlehandedly salvages the entire enterprise.  I won’t spoil anything, but you have to wonder if Ridley Scott saw this before he made Alien Covenant.  Also, any movie that rips off the final shot of Elves is OK by me.  

I guess it all comes down to expectations.  I started watching this while folding laundry and it didn’t take long for me to get sucked into it.  How would I have felt if I anxiously awaited the film since opening night of the original?  Heck, I probably would’ve enjoyed it the same amount.  It's a down and dirty time waster with plenty of gross shit, not-bad performances, decent special effects, and a legitimately great ending.  It’s been thirteen years since this movie came out.  I wonder why they haven’t made Part 3 yet.  

Screenwriter Miguel-Tejada Flores has had an interesting career.  He got his start writing Revenge of the Nerds and has written everything from Screamers 1 and 2 to Beyond Re-Animator to THE FUCKING LION KING!  Now that’s what I call range.