LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DARK WATERS (2003) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Lorenzo Lamas stars as an underwater explorer/grifter who is seeking donations to fund his expedition to the lost city of Atlantis.  Before he can skip town with the money, he is kidnapped by a rich rival who wants him to go to the bottom of the ocean to find out what happened at his top-secret underwater oil rig.  Turns out, a swarm of hungry Great White sharks are using the place for their new feeding ground.  Lamas soon finds himself in the midst of a government cover-up and has to evade not only federal agents on a sub, but also genetically engineered man-eating sharks. 

Dark Waters was directed by Phillip J. Roth, a veteran of many SyFy Channel movies and straight-up crap.  This one is far from his worst, but it might make for choppy waters if you aren’t a Lorenzo Lamas fan.  The opening underwater scenes are downright laughable as the actors are clearly on a set and trying unconvincingly to make the audience believe they’re on the ocean floor.  While this could’ve been a recipe for hokey fun, unfortunately, the majority of the film takes place on a sub and Lamas’ escape attempts quickly get repetitive. 

Lamas does at least deliver an amusing performance.  His hair is even better.  In fact, this might be the best his hair has looked since Renegade.  He’s pretty funny in this too.  I liked the scene where he has a three-way with some hot blondes, and his reaction to seeing a “security tape” that winds up being porn is a highlight. 

I guess it all boils down to what you’re looking for.  Dark Waters is essentially an action movie with some occasional shark attacks.  I was kind of hoping it was going to be a shark attack movie with some occasional action sequences.  However, if you don’t mind more action than shark munching, you might enjoy it more than I did. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE FARMER (1977) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Gary Conway makes a great entrance in The Farmer.  He’s riding on a passenger train and goes to get a drink at the bar.  When a black soldier is denied service, he intervenes.  A guy stands up and compares him to Shirley Temple, which leads Conway to say, “You made two mistakes.  One was standing up and two was making fun of Shirley Temple!” before starting an all-out brawl. 

The farmer returns home after World War II to the prospect of losing the family farm.  One night, he saves the life of a low-level gangster named Johnny (Michael Dante) who crashes his car on his property.  He repays the farmer’s kindness with a big wad of dough.  Later, when a top Mob boss blinds Johnny, he turns to the farmer to get revenge by promising him enough money to save his land.  When the gangsters rape his girlfriend, kill his best friend, and burn down his barn, the farmer finally goes out for revenge. 

The Farmer is a solid, tough, and mean revenge flick.  It kind of reminded me of a folksier version of Rolling Thunder.  While it’s not as over the top as some of the best genre entries (aside from the acid in the eyes scene), it’s effective, nevertheless.  

Conway (who made his debut playing the monster in I Was a Teenage Frankenstein) looks like the love child of Ross Hagen and Stacy Keach.  He makes for an intimidating presence in his aviators and fedora.  (He later went on to write Over the Top.)  Angel Tompkins is also quite good as his gangster moll turned love interest. 

Long considered potentially lost, The Farmer was MIA on home video for decades.  It was well worth the wait.  Scorpion Releasing’s Blu-Ray looks and sounds great and will make a fine addition to your collection if you’re a fan of revenge flicks.

AKA:  Blazing Revenge.

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: KILL AND KILL AGAIN (1981) ***

This month, I’ll be using the Sequel Catch-Up column to not only watch recent sequels that I’ve missed in the past year, but also older sequels that somehow have eluded me for years and years.  One such movie is Kill and Kill Again.  It’s the sequel to the highly enjoyable Kung Fu actioner, Kill or Be Killed and it offers up the same brand of lunacy that flick was known for. 

A professor comes up with a formula that can turn potatoes into fuel.  That’s not the crazy part.  It creates a byproduct that acts as a powerful mind control drug.  Naturally, the evil Marduk (Michael Mayer) kidnaps him and uses the drug to take over a town and turn the citizens into mind-controlled Kung Fu fighters.  The professor’s daughter, Kandy Kane (Anneline Kriel) hires Kung Fu champ Steve Chase (James Ryan) to rescue him.  Steve assembles a crack team of oddballs and loose cannons (who are kind of like a prototype version of The A-Team) to infiltrate the town and kick ass. 

Marduk makes for a memorable villain.  Not only does he have the fakest Castro beard you ever saw, he also has a funny pink-haired girlfriend (Marloe Scott Wilson) who embarrasses him by calling him pet names in front of his guards.  How does he expect to control a town if he can’t even stop his girlfriend from embarrassing him in front of the guys?  It’s just one of the many nutty touches that makes the film so endearing.

Those wanting a more “traditional” action flick will get that too.  There’s plenty of training montages, barroom brawls, and Kung Fu battles here.  In addition, the mix of tongue-in-cheek humor and out-and-out broad comedy works most of the type too.  (I liked the scene where the team’s poker game is interrupted by parachuting karate killers, and they keep the game going through the fight.)  All of this just adds to the affable goofball tone.  Ryan’s battle cry, which sounds like Bruce Lee by way of Speedy Gonzalez, is also good for a laugh every time he does it (which is often).  

Overall, I can’t say Kill and Kill Again is the classic Kill or Be Killed was, but it’s a silly and memorable slice of Kung Fu craziness.

Oh, and are you craving more Kung Fu reviews?  Fear not!  My latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide will be out next month… Just in time for Valentine’s Day!  

AKA:  Thunder Warriors.  AKA:  Fighter Gang.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: KING KONG (1976) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

A lot of people bitch about this remake, but it still remains fun, goofy entertainment. The filmmakers took great pains to “update” many aspects of the original 1933 classic to the “modern” ‘70s era. Instead of awesome stop motion animation, we get a man in a monkey suit. (Created and played by Rick Baker, doing an excellent job.) Instead of greedy movie makers going to a mysterious island, we get greedy oil men. Instead of Kong climbing The Empire State Building, Kong climbs The World Trade Center. The result is a film that actually feels more dated than the 1933 version, but that’s one of its charms.

Jeff Bridges (who sports a beard that was the obvious inspiration for Teen Wolf) stars as the hero along with Charles Grodin as the cranky oil entrepreneur and Jessica Lange (making her film debut) in the Fay Wray role. She also gets the best line when Kong whisks her away, she yells, “Put me down you goddamn chauvinist pig ape!” The standout scene is when Kong battles a giant snake in the pit of a volcano.

The energy crisis references and (unfortunately) the sight of the World Trade Center add to the film’s datedness. There actually was an actual size 40 foot mock-up of Kong created (by Carlo Rambaldi) for some scenes. Director John (Shaft in Africa) Guillermin returned ten years later with the awful King Kong Lives, also from producer Dino De Laurentiis.

KING KONG TV CUT  (1978)  *** 

I know it might seem odd to younger generations, but it used to be a big deal when theatrical movies played on television, especially in the days when you only had four channels.  (Boy, I’m really dating myself here, aren’t I?)  To make the event even more special (or mostly just to pad out the time slot), some movies would have extra footage not present in the original theatrical cut.  (It was kind of like a precursor to DVD director’s cuts.)  I don’t remember when King Kong ‘76 came on TV, but I do remember when Superman 3 was broadcast with brand new scenes, and it was a big fucking deal to me.  (Where’s THAT Special Edition?)  Scream Factory has dug through the vaults and restored the TV cut of Kong, which adds something like forty minutes’ worth of footage.  To people that hated on this movie since day one (mostly Kong purists), that won’t mean squat.  However, if you’re like me and have a soft spot in your heart for this goofy flick, you’ll love it.  (Naturally, days after I watched it, Paramount announced they were releasing it in 4K in a few months… DOH!) 

There’s a full account of the new and alternate scenes on IMDb, so you really don’t need me to catalogue all the differences between this and the theatrical version.  It’s been a while since I’d seen the film, so I didn’t spot too many new scenes.  (Of course, the only subtractions were the removal of brief bits of nudity and less gore during the snake battle.)  I was too busy digging the flick.   I’d say the additions were more marinade than meat. 

This was a big deal when it hit TV and it was spread out as a two-night event.  The Blu-Ray version even recreates the recap of the first night’s showing that kicks off Part Two, which I thought was pretty cool.  Another neat thing this version preserves from the TV cut is the fade-ins and outs for the commercial breaks, which I enjoyed immensely.  Watching it for the first time in a while, I was also struck by how good the John Barry score is.  Of course, it’s not a patch on Max Steiner’s original, but it has a feel similar to Barry’s Bond scores of the era. 

Seen in either version, King Kong ’76 is highly enjoyable monkey business.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOOD FOR DRACULA (1974) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

ANDY WARHOL’S DRACULA  (1974)  ** 

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Udo Keir was pretty good in Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein, but he makes an awful Dracula.  The whiny, weak, pathetic Count goes to Italy to look for a virgin, or “Wirgin” as the Count pronounces it.  You see, he’s sickly, and the only thing that can keep him alive is virgin blood.  He stays with a family who has three virgin daughters and tries to put the bite on them.  Unfortunately, the socialist handyman (Joe Dallesandro) screws them all before Dracula can get to them.  Drinking “tainted” blood causes the Count to puke and whine some more.  Despite a lively climax in which Dallesandro chops Dracula up limb from limb before finally staking him through the heart, director Paul (Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein) Morrissey pretty much drops the ball.  It isn’t nearly as gory or as fun as Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein and is way too long and boring to boot.  Look fast for Roman Polanski who has a bit part in a pub.  Kier later played a vampire in Blade.  

AKA:  Blood for Dracula.

2024 CRITICAL REAPPRAISAL:

BLOOD FOR DRACULA  (1974)  ***

Blood for Dracula AKA:  Andy Warhol’s Dracula is one of those movies that have grown on me in time.  The first time seeing Udo Keir’s performance was a bit of a shock, but I think it was Paul Morrissey’s intention to subvert the Dracula trope.  After decades of screen portrayals, we expect Dracula to be suave and sinister, not pathetic and weak.  That goes along with the classist ideals of the movie.  Dracula has the title of Count and is aristocratic, and yet it’s the low-class servant (Joe Dallesandro) who is handsome and virile.  His quest for a virgin bride is likewise a subversion of our expectations.  Dracula’s need for virgin blood isn’t so much a lurid addition to the usual vampire lore, but more of a social commentary on old-fashioned men’s expectations of women, and their shock when realizing they have embraced the sexual revolution.  So, seen as a commentary on changing social and sexual mores, it works.  As a traditional bloodsucker flick, it’s less effective, but not without merit. 

I spent a lot of my original review comparing the movie to Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein.  That’s kind of unfair.  That flick was a real showstopping shocker, especially in its 3D version, which was released a while back by Vinegar Syndrome. (I never reviewed the 3D version, but I may go back and review the 4K if I wind up running out of 4K movies for this column.)  This one is a quieter, yet amusing experience.

4K UHD NOTES:

Severin did a great job on this release.  They retained the filmic qualities during the soft-focus scenes, keeping a fair amount of grain.  Other sequences are razor sharp and look like they could’ve been filmed yesterday.  The bountiful extras (which even include the soundtrack CD) make it a must for fans. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TENEBRAE (1982) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of Dario Argento’s best from the ‘80s. It’s wrongly mistaken for Argento’s Third Mother movie (the other two being Suspiria and Inferno), but it only uses the title of The Third Mother. Anthony (The Finder of Lost Loves) Franciosa stars as an author whose latest book Tenebrae inspires a serial killer to start offing people close to him. Throats are slashed with a straight razor and people have pages of the book shoved into their mouths. There’s also a Doberman attack and a particularly brutal axe murder. John (Battle Beyond the Stars) Saxon co-stars as his scheming agent and the director’s wife Daria (Deep Red) Nicolodi (whose voice was dubbed by Theresa Russell) also appears. The excellent score is from the former members of Goblin. Franciosa and Saxon were also in Zombie Death House together.

AKA: Unsane.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Tenebrae was something of a “getting back to basics” exercise for Dario Argento.  It’s an old-fashioned giallo, as it features a black-gloved killer and simple, but effective kill sequences.  It was also Argento’s first giallo after the American slasher boom, so it’s interesting seeing how the violence stacks up to those films of the era.  Speaking of violence, Tenebrae is at its heart, a statement about the way violence and the arts become intertwined, and how the media want to put creators on the hook for their creations’ actions.  Although it feels a little slight compared to something like Suspiria or Inferno (the pacing dawdles coming down the homestretch), it remains a strong second-tier Argento flick, and honestly, most directors can’t even come close to that on their best day. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Having only seen Tenebrae on pan-and-scan VHS and on a Mill Creek 50 Movie Pack DVD, watching it in 4K was something of a revelation.  Although the film isn’t quite as stylish as some of Argento’s most memorable works, the colors looked vibrant in 4K (especially the blood), and the pulsing soundtrack sounded terrific.  Frankly, the movie hasn’t looked or sounded this good since… well… probably ever. 

SEQUEL CATCH-UP: JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 (2023) ** ½

The evil Marquis (Bill Skarsgard) orders the demolition of The Continental Hotel, much to the chagrin of its owner, Winston (Ian McShane).  Meanwhile, everyone and their grandmother are gunning for John Wick (Keanu Reeves), who is desperately trying to find a way out of the hitman lifestyle.  Winton comes to him with a deal that could finally free John from the clutches of the underworld, if it doesn’t kill them both first. 

First things first.  There was no reason this should’ve been close to three hours long.  The filmmakers could’ve probably gotten away with making two great sequels and instead chose to make one sequel that, while decent, is overly bloated.  The gun battles and Kung Fu fights are likewise drawn out.  I also got tired of all the scenes of guys wearing bulletproof three-piece suits taking multiple gunshots at point blank range and never getting a scratch.  It’s like playing a video game on “God Mode” or playing a game of tag with your fingers crossed so there are no tag-backs. 

I will say the action is well done, and the choreography is concise.  However, the action sequences just seem to go on forever.  Consider the scene late in the picture where Wick does battle with dozens of assassins in the middle of traffic.  It starts off well enough, but it just keeps repeating the same beats (guys are shot and then hit by cars and vice versa) over and over again.  Like the film itself, it just doesn’t seem to know when to pack it in.  You know when you talk to a longwinded person and you keep interjecting, “That’s crazy” as a social cue for them to start wrapping up the conversation, but they don’t pick up on it and they keep talking anyway?  John Wick:  Chapter 4 is the cinematic version of that dude. 

The film is also full of cool ideas that it never manages to capitalize on.  Having Donnie Yen as a blind swordfighter should work, but honestly, he already played that role more successfully in Rogue One a few years back.  (I did like the scene where he placed motion sensor doorbells in various places, so he knew where the gunmen were though.)  Also, taking Scott Adkins, one of the most versatile martial artists working in film today and saddling him with a dorky fat suit was… uh… a choice.  Marko Zaror, who plays Skargard’s bodyguard, isn’t wasted nearly as much, but he really doesn’t get a chance to shine either. 

Reeves seems like he’s sleepwalking this time out.  Luckily, the other returning stars have some spark left in them.  McShane still looks like he’s having fun and Laurence Fishburne is pretty funny.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he presents Wick with a new suit and says, “A man’s got to look good when he’s getting married or buried.”

I think with John Wick:  Chapter 4, the bloom is slowly coming off the rose.  This might be a “hot take”, but I preferred the series when it was just Death Wish with a dog.  Now they feel the need to continually one-up each predecessor by adding new underworld “rules” and constant criminal empire comic book-style world-building, and frankly, it’s starting to get a little exhausting.