LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VERSUS (2002) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 2nd, 2016)

Ryuhei Kitamura has had an interesting career. He’s made a Godzilla movie (Godzilla: Final Wars), a Clive Barker adaptation (The Midnight Meat Train), and a horror film for WWE Studios (No One Lives). Each of those flicks had their various ups and downs, but they were all interesting and at the very least, memorable. Versus was his debut feature-length picture as a director and even though it’s as uneven as anything he ever did (if not more so), it’s a good showcase for his “anything goes” aesthetic.

The film opens with a back story that’s kind of confusing (something about there being 666 realms in the world), but never mind. All you need to know is that two prisoners are being chased by gangsters through the woods. This isn’t just any forest though. Whenever someone dies in the woods, they come back as a zombie. Pretty soon, there are hitmen and gangsters shooting zombies left and right.

Versus is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge. Kitamura basically mashes up a bunch of genres and sees what sticks. It’s hard to completely hate any movie that features samurais, yakuza gangsters, Kung Fu, and zombies. However, it’s just a bit too incoherent to really work. Plus, at two hours, it’s about a half hour longer than was absolutely necessary, and despite a number of pretty good zombie attacks and gun fights, it gets a bit numbing after a while.

With this picture, Kitamura announced himself as quite a showman. He exhibits a lot of John Woo-type filmmaking gymnastics, his camerawork is often reminiscent of Peter Jackson’s early work (especially the fist-through-the-brain scene), and the zombie scenes have a definite Romero vibe to them. Although it goes on too long and is uneven as all get out, it’s still worth watching.

AKA: Down to Hell 2. AKA: The Return: Down 2 Hell. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMED RESPONSE (1986) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 31st, 2010)

David Carradine stars as a Nam vet who owns a bar with his crusty ex-cop father (Lee Van Cleef).  Carradine’s detective brother (Brent Huff) gets double crossed and killed by his partner (Ross Hagen) over a jade statue belonging to a yakuza boss (Mako).  When Mako kidnaps Carradine’s wife and child and kills his OTHER brother, David and Lee decide to dust off their machine guns and take out the trash.

 

Despite the spotty pacing, convoluted plot, and slow-motion Nam flashbacks that only exist to pad the running time, I liked Armed Response a lot more than I thought I would.  The reason is because the cast is incredibly fun to watch.  I mean the flick is almost worth watching solely to see Van Cleef and Carradine playing father and son.  At first, it may seem a little goofy since they’re both older than Jesus’ gym teacher.  It actually makes a lot of sense though because Van Cleef was the Master Ninja on TV, so it’s completely possible that he fathered Caine from Kung Fu.

 

The supporting cast of villains is equally memorable.  Mako makes for a great yakuza boss, Hagen is appropriately greasy, and Dick Miller and Laurene Landon are pretty funny as Mako’s underlings who get ripped off.  We also get Michelle Bauer (who shows her tits) and Bobbie Bresee (who doesn’t) as strippers.  And B movie favorite Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa has an early role as one of Mako’s henchmen too.

 

Far and away the best performance comes from Michael Berryman as Mako’s right hand man.  He has a funny gimmick where he gives out fortune cookies to people right before he kills them.  The best part comes when one guy’s cookie says, “You can look forward to a bright future” right before his car blows up.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LINNEA QUIGLEY’S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum)

Jane Fonda took the world by storm in the ‘80s when she released the Jane Fonda’s Workout video.  Soon after, every female celebrity from Cher to Traci Lords had workout tapes on video store shelves.  Heck, even Designing Women’s Dixie Carter made a workout, which goes to show you that anyone could make one.  Probably the high watermark for the workout video was Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout.  It’s not much of a workout video or anything, but it does serve as the perfect sampler of her work as the reigning scream queen of the ‘80s.  (Although why anyone would watch this to work out anything other than their right hand is beyond me.)

The tape starts off with a terrific shower scene.  And it is one of the greatest shower scenes in Linnea’s illustrious career.  And if you’ve seen the many shower scenes Linnea has done over the years, you know that comes as high praise.

Linnea then gives herself a pretty funny introduction:  “I’m the girl who’s usually impaled on antlers or eaten by zombies in movies!”  She talks directly to the camera and host a collection of clips from her various movies including Creepozoids, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Vice Academy.  What’s particularly great about this segment is that she’s wearing a studded black leather S & M leather bikini.  And much of her dialogue is pretty funny.  While talking about her immortal Dance of the Double Chainsaws scene in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, she says, “Ginger Rogers had Fred Astaire!  I had Black and Decker!”  (We also get to see some cool 8mm home movies of a young Linnea too.)

Most of the clips show off Linnea’s tough and spunky side.  They almost always show her fighting someone (like Ginger Lynn Allen) or something (like a killer rat).  This segment justifies her need to keep in shape.  As if you needed justification to see Linnea working out in a skimpy studded black leather S & M bikini.

Then the “exercise” portion of the flick begins.  First, she does a lot of splits and side bends before doing some various stretching techniques while splayed out on the floor.  Oh, and by the way; if you’re looking to get a great workout from this tape, forget it.  There are no “instructional” parts of the video; just Linnea narrating and telling jokes over footage of her gyrating and doing sit-ups and stuff.  

After the stretching scene, Linnea then goes out jogging past a cemetery.  Before long, a bunch of zombies rise from the grave and chase her.  Finally, she chastises them for being out of shape and makes them do some calisthenics and dance moves.  But while this scene is sound in theory, it’s not very funny and goes on far too long.  Linnea’s boob does pop out of her torn up t-shirt at one point though, so it’s not like it’s intolerable or anything.  

Afterwards, there’s a scene where Linnea gathers together some babes for a slumber party where they have pillow fights and watch Linnea singing “Santa Monica Boulevard Boys” from Nightmare Sisters.  Then they all do a bunch of gyrating in their nighties to a heavy synth beat.  Like the previous sequence, it’s a good idea, but it just runs on a bit too long.  

The girls then get picked off one by one by a knife-wielding killer in a Ronald Reagan mask.  Again, there is some okay moments here (like when a decapitated head lands in a toilet), but some of the jokes fall flat (like when the killer stabs a victim dozens of times, but she doesn’t die).  And the final gag is predictable and not very funny.  

Ultimately, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is a bit of a mixed bag.  The scenes of Linnea showing clips from her films are a lot of fun, but the actual “workout” part of the film leaves something to be desired.  And I’m not talking from a fitness standpoint either.  I know this thing needed a lot of padding to get to its hour running time (there’s even bloopers during the credits to help extend the running time), but many of the scenes are poorly choreographed and/or wear out their welcome fast.

But if you are a Linnea Quigley fan such as I am, this will be an essential addition to your collection.  It features some great clips from her movies and gives a nice peek at Linnea just being Linnea.  I can’t quite give it a Four Star rating because a lot of the exercise scenes go on forever, but this is a great time capsule of Linnea in her heyday.  And being such a fan of Linnea, I can’t quite ask for anything more.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ANGELICA, THE YOUNG VIXEN (1970) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Angelica, The Young Vixen was included as a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray of The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals.  Presumably helmed by that film’s director, Oliver Drake (although there are conflicting reports on whether that’s accurate or not), it was released by Vega, who were also responsible for unleashing Mummy onto the world.  While it doesn’t exactly make for an ideal double feature, I’m still glad Severin was able to preserve it.

Leading lady Dixie (Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In) Donovan gets a great introduction as Angelica.  We first see her bent over for the camera while picking cotton.  When her boyfriend “Big Nick” catches her banging another guy, there’s a struggle, and he winds up killing Big Nick.  While awaiting trial, the judge allows Angelica to stay with him and his lesbian daughter, who wastes no time seducing young Angelica.  Predictably, it doesn’t take long for the judge to start banging his gavel… if you know what I mean. 

I love rarities like this.  The print is damaged (so much so that sometimes it almost looks psychedelic) and jumpy, but you won’t care.  Is it good, per se?  Not really, but it has some memorable touches.  There’s an odd scene where gregarious ethic folk singing is intercut with a guy boning two chicks.  The scene where Big Nick catches Angelica and her lover in a sleeping bag and zips them up and drags them around the camp to shame them is pretty good too.  You do have to deal with a long bad folk-rock number though, which I suppose was probably only there to pad the running time out to an even hour. 

The movie really belongs to Donovan.  Throughout the film, Dixie proves she’s dynamite, especially when running nude through the woods, skinny-dipping, and getting it on.  It Angelica, The Young Vixen some kind of long-lost cinematic treasure?  No, but as a vehicle for the talents of the winning Dixie Donovan, it’s an amusing watch. 

AKA:  Angelika’s Young Vixens.  AKA:  Wild and Sexy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD (1980) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007, under the title, The Gates of Hell)

When a priest hangs himself in a graveyard, he opens up the titular Gates of Hell, which causes the dead to rise from their graves. This zombie flick from Italian horror maestro Lucio (Zombie) Fulci is short on sense and parts are downright boring, but it does have two of the greatest gore set pieces of all time, so it’s automatically recommended. In the first, a girl’s eyes start bleeding until she pukes her guts out, literally before her boyfriend gets his brains ripped out. The second has a jealous father taking the simple suitor of his daughter and putting a gigantic drill through his head. There’s also a pretty cool scene where it rains maggots too.

The Gates of Hell is definitely worth checking out at least once in your lifetime, if anything for the juicy gore scenes. Besides, the fast forward button is a great way to get to “the good stuff”. Fulci more or less covered the same ground with his next and even better film, The Beyond. Starring Christopher (Pieces) George, Catriona (The Beyond) MacColl, John (Cannibal Apocalypse) Morghen and Michelle (A Blade in the Dark) Saovi.

AKA: City of the Living Dead.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Okay, so, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Lucio Fulci’s City of the Living Dead AKA:  The Gates of Hell.  Maybe it was the 4K presentation, but it was better than I remembered.  Sure, it has plenty of lulls and suffers from comparison to Fulci’s similar (and better) The Beyond (it often plays like Fulci’s warm up to that masterpiece), but when this thing cooks, it’s some Gordon Ramsay type shit. 

4K UHD NOTES:

The restoration by Cauldron is dynamite.  The picture is clean and crisp looking, and even the fog-soaked scenes look amazingly sharp.  The knockout gore sequences also look amazing in 4K as the gut-spewing, brain-crushing, and head-drilling just crackles in ultra-high definition.  Oh, and leading lady Catriona MacColl looks simply ravishing in 4K too.  In short, this is definitely worth the upgrade!

NEW ROSE HOTEL (1999) * ½

Abel Ferrara might have the most uneven filmography of all time.   For every certified classic like Ms. 45 or Fear City, there’s a forgettable turd like Cat Chaser or Dangerous Game.   Now, I don’t claim to have seen every one of his films, but of the ones I’ve seen, New Rose Hotel has got to be the worst. 

Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe star as two seedy businessmen who are trying to put one over on a brilliant Japanese scientist in the not-too distant future.  The plan is to pay a hooker (Asia Argento) a million bucks to seduce the poor dope and break his heart.  Things run smoothly at first, but the situation gets complicated when Dafoe falls in love with her. 

The script was based on a story by none other than William Gibson.  Despite that fact, it’s curiously low on any Sci-Fi or cyberpunk touches.  (The only slightly futuristic touch is that characters using what looks like prototype iPhones.)  It’s also packed to the gills with lots of annoying handheld video segments that act as surveillance footage of the scientist.  These sequences were wholly unnecessary, and the constant shaky-cam camerawork is often hard to take.  The gratuitous repeated scenes and useless slow-motion shots only exasperate the issue. 

New Rose Hotel might’ve gotten a pass if the cast came loaded for bear.  Sadly, this wasn’t the case.  Walken nibbles at the scenery, but he doesn’t quite make a meal out of it.  While it is fun seeing him paired with Dafoe, their scenes are lukewarm at best and shockingly underwhelming at worst.  Dafoe is strangely passive for the most part, and there’s next to no chemistry between him and Argento, which doesn’t help matters either.  Asia’s easily the best thing about the movie and her brief nude scenes are about the only thing that keeps you interested. 

Walken gets the best line of the movie when he tells Dafoe, “The hair on a snatch could pull a battleship!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKALS (1969) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on June 13th, 2024)

Anthony Eisley stars as an archeologist who wants to show off his latest discovery, an ancient sarcophagus containing a perfectly preserved Egyptian princess (Marliza Pons), to his colleagues at a convention in Las Vegas.  But first thing's first.  He gets his associate to lock him inside the tomb because he wants to disprove the “Curse of the Jackals”.  Shocker:  The curse is not only real, but it also turns him into a jackal-man, courtesy of old school werewolf transformation special effects.  

You know, I could say this is the worst werewolf make-up I’ve ever seen.  Instead, I’ll accentuate the positive and say it’s the best werejackal make-up I’ve ever seen.  I mean he looks like one of those Country Bears from Disney World after a seven-day drunk.  Anyway, after Eisley transforms, he runs around and kills some cops.  (ACAB-All Cops are Bound to Get Killed by a Dude in Shoddy Werejackal Make-Up.)  

Up until now, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals was one bad, but gloriously entertaining movie.  It’s only when the mummy stuff starts creeping in does the film slam on the brakes.  The flashback of the mummy’s origin is a virtual remake of the 1932 Boris Karloff version, except with community theater level costumes and sets.  (There is a mildly gory tongue ripping scene though.) 

Luckily, before things get too boring, Eisley turns back into the werejackal and attacks a wino, and the movie is back on track.  Then, the princess wakes up and does a Vegas dance routine accompanied by a swinging score.  I have to tell you, the romantic scenes of Eisley falling for the princess are a hoot.  They play like a mash-up of Mannequin, Splash, and I Dream of Jeannie.  The scene where he tries to show a 4000-year-old supermodel mummy how a bra works is peak cinema. 

While Eisley takes the princess out on the town, the other mummy wakes up.  If you thought the mummy in Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy looked bad, then check this dude out.  His face looks like a beef jerky sculpture of the Toxic Avenger.  Anyway, he isn’t alive five minutes and he’s killing go-go dancers and crashing through walls.  WOW. 

What else can I tell you about this movie?  The princess has a snake ring that turns into a glowing disco ball and hypnotizes people.  The shots of the mummy and the werejackal strutting down the Vegas strip and waltzing through casinos while incredulous passersby look on are priceless.  Oh, and about an hour into the movie, John Carradine shows up because… this is exactly the kind of movie John Carradine would show up in. 

When it finally comes time for the big showdown between the two titular titans, the werejackal hits the mummy with a stick, and it disappears in a puff of light and smoke!  WHAT.  Thankfully, the mummy returns (don’t ask me how) to attack a wino (this movie hates winos with a passion).  He and the werejackal then go toe to toe a few more times before a positively stupefying ending that will have you asking yourself, “HUH?!?”

What were you expecting from a movie starring Anthony Eisley and John Carradine?

Director Oliver Drake was known for directing mostly westerns and even tried his hand at porn around the same time this was released.  This movie is crappy for sure, but it’s my kind of crappy.  Any film that has me saying “HUH”, “WOW”, and “WHAT? in the span of eighty minutes must be worth a look.  All in all, The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals is truly an unsung classic of grade Z cinema. 

AKA:  The Mummy’s Curse of the Jackal.