ORIGINAL REVIEW:
(As published in my book, Double Vision: Hollywood vs. Hollywood)
Back when I had a Beta player, one of the few movies I owned was The Bees. If ever there was an unsung B (err… Bee?) Movie, it’s this one. The term “So Bad, It’s Good” has been thrown around so much that it has become a cliché. If ever there was a flick applied to that cliché, it’s this one. If you’re the kind of person whose lifeblood is “So Bad, It’s Good” cinema, you’ll want to check it out. I’ll even go so far to say that if you go out and watch any one film featured in this book, it should be The Bees. You’ll thank me.
The Bees was released to cash in on The Swarm. It is one of the few cases where the cash-in is far more entertaining than its big budget counterpart. I can’t say it’s a “good” movie exactly, but it’s funnier than most comedies.
The plot has a scientist in South America studying killer bees. A poor farmer and his young son break into his property looking to steal honey and unwittingly unleash the killer bees. They sting the little kid to death and this incites the local villagers to grab their torches and pitchforks and burn the place to the ground!
Yes folks, if you thought torch and pitchfork-wielding villagers were only relegated to Frankenstein movies, think again.
Anyway, the scientist dies and his hot wife (Angel Tompkins from The Teacher) survives by hiding in the walk-in freezer. She then smuggles some killer bees with her to New York to show her scientist grandfather (John Carradine, utilizing a hysterical German accent) what her hubby had been working on. She’s not in the Big Apple five minutes when some muggers swipe her bag and unwittingly get stung to death in the process!
Meanwhile, John Saxon is working with the U.N. to find a way to make the bees stop killing people. They’re important because they produce twice the amount of honey than an ordinary bee. Angel meets up with John in his hotel room where he is trying to score with a hot babe he calls his “friend”.
I have to tell you folks, the scene where John meets Angel for the first time is legendary. His girlfriend winds up getting stung by one of Angel’s bees and runs out of the apartment. This leads to the best dialogue exchange in the movie:
Angel: “It probably stung your friend.”
John: “Will she be all right?”
Angel: “She’ll be dead in a couple of minutes.”
John: “I need my friend.”
Just reading their dialogue doesn’t do this scene justice. The way Saxon says his line is flat-out hilarious. You’ll be laughing so hard you’ll probably miss the throwaway line where Tompkins assures him that one bee isn’t as deadly as thousands (although that doesn’t exactly rule out the fact that his girlfriend could very well be dead).
If that doesn’t make you laugh, the next scene will. Apparently, John isn’t too worried about his “friend”, and Angel has fully gotten over the death of her husband because they wind up spending the night together! Is this movie fucking awesome or what?
The next day, Saxon opens his big mouth to a bunch of businessmen that the killer bees produce more honey than regular bees. Immediately, the big business guys have their people illegally sneak in a mess of killer bees. Naturally, they get loose and kill a fat girl on the beach.
The attack scene on the beach is hilarious. There’s one shot of a guy quivering in panic that will make you stop and rewind the film multiple times. Did I mention the guy in question is wearing obvious blackface make-up? (I guess they couldn’t find any African-American extras that day.) This fact is made even more obvious when he covers his face with his hands, which are white as a ghost because they have absolutely no make-up on them whatsoever.
I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
Then there’s a great scene where an old dude gets a couple of foul-mouthed kids to find some bees to sting him to clear up his rheumatism. Naturally, things go bad and they all get stung to death. The hilarity of this scene is heightened by the fact that the musical score sounds like something out of a Merrie Melodies cartoon.
But it gets better.
The bees then attack the Rose Bowl parade. The scenes of parade floats being swarmed by bees are priceless. Former President Gerald Ford also has a cameo in this scene, but as far as I could tell, he emerged unscathed from the killer bee attack.
John then gets a big idea to stop the bees. He’ll spray them with a pheromone that turns them gay so they won’t reproduce with the queen. One congressman says, “Are you saying that this chemical of yours will turn the male bees into homosexuals? That reminds me of a certain neighborhood I know in LA!”
Only in the ‘70s, folks.
Of course, the plan doesn’t work, but luckily, John Carradine has been listening to tapes of the bees’ buzzing and has deciphered their language. He also figures out that one of the politicians has been stealing from his bee fund. When he tries to do something about it, the politician has him gunned down by some hitmen. They also go after John and Angel, but the killers wind up getting a face full of bees for their trouble. Thankfully, the politician dies from a horrible bee attack and falls several stories to his death, so that plot point gets wrapped up fairly quickly.
If you can’t already tell, the stuff with the hitmen and the crooked politician is just padding. Since we’re only at the hour mark, you know there’s bound to be even more padding just around the corner. The Bees doesn’t disappoint as the next couple of minutes are nothing more than bees superimposed over stock footage of planes crashing while a TV news reporter covers the action.
I guess I should tell you about this TV news set. It’s nothing more than a guy sitting at a desk in front of some steel shutters with the words “TV 3” written in black electrical tape on them. God, I love this movie.
In the end, John Saxon finally cracks the bees’ language and learns they will destroy the human race if we don’t stop ruining the environment. He takes this info to the U.N. and they naturally, don’t believe him. (The ambassador for Great Britain says, “Good Lord. This chap’s gone completely raving bonkers!”) Then the bees crash the U.N. and John issues his final plea for man and bee to live in harmony.
Yes, folks. The finale manages to rip-off Phase IV AND Superman IV at the same time. Any movie that can pull off a feat like that is all right with me.
If you can’t already tell, The Bees is nuttier than a squirrel turd. I love it. I’ll gladly take it over The Swarm any day.
