THE MOUSE TRAP (2024) * ½

The idea of turning beloved characters who have recently entered the public domain into generic slashers in horror movies is a new trend.  And a rather dumb one too.  It’s so dumb, in fact, that I feel compelled to watch them.  Last year, it was Winnie the Pooh.  Now, it’s Mickey Mouse’s turn to become a horror icon.  While this isn’t as out and out bad as Winnie the Pooh:  Blood and Honey, it is one of the most inexplicably dumb slashers I’ve seen in some time. 

The Mouse Trap starts with a Star Wars-inspired crawl to assure the audience (and the Disney lawyers) that this in no way has anything to do with any of their trademarked characters.  That’s a roundabout way of saying even though Mickey Mouse is in the public domain, we still don’t want you to sue us.  They even use clips from Steamboat Willie in the opening credits because… well… they can.  What better reason, right?  This opening is about as clever as the movie gets, I’m afraid. 

A girl working at an arcade parties with her friends after hours.  Before long, they are menaced by a killer in a Mickey Mouse mask.  After a few kids are bumped off, the surviving friends form a tight group to put a stop to the killer.  To make matters worse, he also has the power to teleport (!?!), which makes trapping him extremely tricky. 

The big problem is it takes forever to get going.  Once it finally does, the stalking and slashing scenes are decidedly ho-hum, and the kills are mostly bloodless and bland.  Mickey Mouse as a killer isn’t the worst idea in the world.  (I did like the way they used the whistling music from Steamboat Willie as a horror theme, although they kind of forget about it pretty quickly.)  It’s just a shame that the filmmakers forgot to make an actual movie to go along with the idea.  The notion that he can teleport from place to place is never expanded upon or properly explained.  He can just do it, and the characters all accept it, logic be damned. 

The structure is janky too.  The unnecessary framing device of two detectives questioning a goth girl in a prison cell is pretty useless as it interrupts whatever flow the movie had managed to build up.  My guess is that it was probably only there to pad out the running time.  Even the detectives seem a little suspicious of how she knows things she couldn’t possibly been there to witness.  (“It all sounds like a bad ‘90s movie!”)  These scenes just reinforce the choppy nature of the film and become more grating as things wear on. 

Maybe The Mouse Trap should be seen as an example to future filmmakers.  Just because you CAN use a public domain figure for your horror movie doesn’t mean you SHOULD.  Or at least make something worthy of the name (even if the name is free to all).   Who knows?  One thing’s for sure.  If the filmmakers made a better mouse trap, it might’ve been worth seeing. 

Let’s hope the OTHER Mickey Mouse slasher, the upcoming Screamboat, will be better. 

AKA:  Mickey’s Mouse Trap.

THE FALL GUY (2024) *** ½

Colt Seaver (Ryan Gosling) is a stuntman who survived a terrible accident on a movie set.  Months later, he is lured back to work on a blockbuster under false pretenses.  The producer (Hannah Waddington) is worried because the leading man (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) has vanished, and she wants Colt to find him.  Since the director is his ex-girlfriend Jody (Emily Blunt), Colt agrees because he doesn’t want the studio to shut the production down.  Before long, Colt is accused of a murder he didn’t commit and must use his stunt background to overcome the bad guys. 

Directed by David (Deadpool 2) Leitch, The Fall Guy is first and foremost a love letter to the stunt community.  Leitch was a long-time stuntman, and he brings his years of experience, as well as a sense of humor to the proceedings.  Because of that, the behind-the-scenes moments of Blunt and company shooting the various stunt scenes have an authentic and lived-in feel. 

As expected, he also delivers on the action.  In addition to many terrific stunts, he also gives us a wild drug-fueled fight scene where someone slips Colt a Mickey, and he takes out several bodyguards while drug-induced hallucinations swirl around the action. 

If you go in expecting a 1:1 adaptation of the old TV show, you might be disappointed.  I mean you would never see Lee Majors sitting in his truck listening to Taylor Swift and crying over a break-up.  That wounded hangdog look is perfectly suited to Gosling though, who is immensely likable and funny throughout.  He also brings the physical comedy chops that made The Nice Guys such a classic, and makes Colt a unique, funny, and lovable loser.  Gosling and Blunt have tremendous chemistry, and the way they trade romantic barbs is one of the movie’s many joys. 

I also liked the way they incorporated KISS’s “I was Made for Loving You” into the score.  The subtle nods to the other great Lee Majors show, The Six Million Dollar Man were also welcome.  All in all, I’d say anyone who enjoys old fashioned Hollywood escapism will fall in love with The Fall Guy. 

THE RETURN OF SUPERMAN (1979) ***

I have seen some cheap shit in my time, but the opening of this Turkish rip-off of Superman has to take the goddamned cake.  The narration tells us that in the farthest reaches of space, there is the planet Krypton.  When we finally see it, Krypton is... I shit you not… a Christmas ornament hanging from the ceiling!  It’s enough to make the hubcap UFOs in Plan 9 from Outer Space look like the work of ILM in comparison. 

It gets worse.  Then, the John Williams theme kicks in and we see the Superman crest, which looks like it was drawn by a third grader.  I live for shit like this, folks. 

When the movie finally begins, it’s so cheap looking that it looks like a '70s porn parody.  Minus the porn.  Or the parody. 

The nerdy Tayfun learns from his parents that they found him in a rocket ship when he was a baby.  They give him a stone that was in the ship, and it guides him to a cave where he learns from the ghost of his father that he is Superman.  Working as a mild-mannered reporter, Tayfun learns of a plot by a villain to turn “Krypton stone” (it’s never called Kryptonite) into gold.  He kidnaps a professor, who happens to be the father of the Lois Lane substitute, Alev.  It’s then up to Tayfun/Superman to save Alev’s dad and stop the bad guy. 

The scenes where Superman fights crime lean closer to the George Reeves TV show than the Christopher Reeve movie, but they are still quite entertaining.  Thugs break chairs over our hero’s head, stab, and shoot him with no effect.  It also steals some bits from the old Captain Marvel serial too.  (The scene where his father gives him his powers, the guillotine cliffhanger, etc.), but that only adds to the fun.  

The flying scenes are hysterical too.  In some shots, it looks like a Superman doll being held up in front of someone’s vacation home videos.  Oh, and in addition to stealing cues from John Williams’ Superman score, it also swipes bits from the soundtrack of the James Bond movies. 

As cheap as most of this is, I will say the scene where Superman prevents two trains from colliding is well done.  Well… in comparison to everything else in the movie.  The scene where he saves Alev from a runaway truck is OK too. 

One power this Superman has that his American counterpart doesn’t is the ability to type up his stories telepathically.  Let’s see Clark Kent try that!  He also uses his X-Ray vision to see a woman in her underwear, but it appears this happened accidentally, so we will give him a Mulligan on that one. 

As far as Turkish rip-offs go, this is one of the more entertaining ones.  It has a nice mix of touches from its American inspiration as well as its own brand of WTF silliness.  If you’re a fan of bad superhero movies and wacky world cinema, by all means, check it out. 

THOROUGHBREDS (2018) ***

Olivia Cooke stars as Amanda, an emotionally disturbed young girl who reconnects with her former friend Lily (Anya Taylor-Joy).  As their bond strengthens, they eventually hit upon a plan to take out Lily’s intolerable stepfather (Paul Sparks).  Together, they blackmail a small-time drug dealer (the late Anton Yelchin) into abetting them in their plot. 

Thoroughbreds is a witty and darkly humorous comedy thriller that gets a lot of mileage from its pitch-perfect performers.  The chemistry between Taylor-Joy and Cooke is palpable, and lot of the fun comes from watching them bouncing morbid niceties off one another.  (Some of the sardonic dialogue and deadpan delivery is reminiscent of Heathers.)  Anya is quite good as the rich girl who thinks she can get away with murder.  Her waifish appearance and sad eyes suggest she’s hiding something sinister.  Meanwhile, Cooke is excellent as the disturbed girl who uses her emotionless coldness to her advantage.  Yelchin is a hoot too in one of his final roles as the clueless dolt who quickly finds himself in way over his head.  Sparks is also well cast as his character is less a wicked stepfather and more of an insufferable twat waffle whose banal veneer is sometimes unsettling. 

Speaking of unsettling, I will say the graphic discussion about Amanda’s past deeds makes for some truly creepy stuff.  While nothing is explicitly shown, the suggestion is more than enough for you to paint a pretty nasty picture in your mind.  I won’t spoil it for you, but if you are in any way sensitive when it comes to animal mutilation, you might want to hit the mute button during this scene. 

Thoroughbreds is kind of talky and a little slow at times.  In fact, it probably would’ve felt like a three-character play in some spots had it not been for the cool camerawork, which is full of long steady cam tracking shots.  The pulsating percussion-based score is also quite good.  The ending is predictable too, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t well executed. 

All in all, Thoroughbreds crosses the finish line in style. 

THE HITMAN NEVER DIES (2017) * ½

Michael Ironside stars as a small-time kingpin who hires a recently released jailbird named Gus (Michael Eklund) to pull one last job for him.  He needs Gus to recover an incriminating videotape from a porn set before the cops get there and raid the place.  Naturally, other interested parties come looking for the tape too.  Our hero then must make an uneasy alliance with a sexy Asian assassin (Bernice Liu) to get the tape and worm his way out from under his boss’ thumb once and for all. 

This low budget crime comedy was a Chinese and Canadian co-production (you don’t get too many of those).  It tries way too hard to be a clever Tarantino riff, and it’s rarely, if ever, successful.  It’s also chockfull of cliches (a title card with the character’s name pops up on screen every time someone new is introduced, tired narration that works overtime trying to sound hardboiled, a structure that relies heavily on flashbacks inside of flashbacks, porn star characters, criminals that live by a strict code, etc.) and doesn’t  find  anything new or interesting to add to them.  Also, the title makes no damn sense, which is a little irksome. 

The flick thinks it’s hip and edgy, but many scenes are more cringeworthy than anything (like when a hitman is waving around a tentacle dildo).  In fact, there’s a lot of octopus-oriented sex talk here, which makes me ponder if the screenwriters weren’t working out some of their own fetishes here.  It would be one thing if it had a good twist or memorable characters.  However, the weak script wraps itself up way too neatly and often leaves its cast in the lurch. 

Ironside is ideally cast as the crotchety kingpin, but he’s never given much more to do other than sit behind a desk and grumble.  Lui cuts a dashing figure as the sexy assassin in short booty shorts, although she never quite becomes a real character, thanks to the flimsy script.  Both of them fare better than Eklund, who just doesn’t have the screen presence to carry the movie. 

One of Ironside’s dimwitted sons gets the best line when he says, “I think I just figured out how to uncluster this fuck!”

AKA:  Stegman is Dead. 

GLADIATOR II (2024) *** ½

I’m not sure why it took Ridley Scott two decades to come up with a sequel to Gladiator, especially when the plot is essentially “The Same Shit That Happened to Maximus Happens to His Son”, but we finally got one.  I guess Hollywood didn’t have the balls to go with that Nick Cave script where Maximus literally goes to Hell.  Oh well. 

Paul Mescal stars as Lucius, the son of Maximus, who is imprisoned by the Roman Empire and is made a slave.  He impresses slave master Macrinus (Denzel Washington) in his first fight where he battles a CGI monkey to the death.  Macrinus buys him and puts him in the Colosseum to fight for his freedom and a chance to kill the man who murdered his wife.  Problems arise when he learns his sworn enemy has married his mother (Connie Nielsen).  Eventually, Lucius learns that Macrinus is using him as a pawn in a grander scheme. 

Mescal is OK in the lead.  He registers just fine during his action scenes, but overall is kind of bland.  I’ll resist the temptation to compare him to the original’s Russell Crowe as those are some big shoes to fill.  It’s just that for a movie so wild and colorful, he kind of gets lost in the shuffle.  Pedro Pascal (doing a Mark Ruffalo impression) fares slightly better as the Roman general who has taken Lucius’ mother’s hand in marriage.  Nielsen is also quite good.  It looks like she hasn’t aged a day since her appearance in the first film. 

It’s Denzel though who steals the movie.  He’s highly entertaining and looks like he’s having a ball playing such a heel.  He stops short of chewing scenery and mustache twirling, but his sinister energy is a huge boost to the film. 

The scenes in the Colosseum are over the top and sometime borderline ridiculous.  That by the way, is not a critique.  It’s as if director Ridley Scott is nudging the audience and saying “Hey, remember the scene with the tiger in the first one?  Guess how we’re gonna top that?  How’s a pack of wild monkeys sound?  A charging rhino?  I KNOW!  What about SHARKS!?!”  Clearly, Ridley took Maximus’ maxim, “Are you not entertained?” to heart when it came up to dreaming up ludicrous bullshit for this sequel.  But what highly entertaining ludicrous bullshit it is. 

Washington gets the best line when he says, “Rage pours out of you like milk from a whore’s tit!” 

FORTY ACRE FEUD (1965) ** ½

Ron (If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?) Ormond directed this corny country fried musical starring just about every Country and Western guest star from Hee Haw that you’d ever want to see.  In fact, Hee Haw’s Minnie Pearl also appears in a supporting role! 

The nominal plot involves an election being held in a small hick town.  Some radio bigwig thinks that's the perfect time to hold a big country music jamboree, so he plans to put on the concert and the election all in the same spot.  The two candidates are patriarchs of families that have a longstanding backwoods feud, and the election (not to mention the concert) is certain to bring tensions between the two clans to a head. 

There were about a hundred different ways this could’ve gone wrong, but Forty Acre Feud remains watchable just for the music, which contains more hits than misses as many of the artists sing some of their best-known stuff.  Even if you’re not a fan of old timey country music, you still may enjoy such acts as Bill Anderson (“Three A.M.”), Skeeter Davis (“The End of the World”), Ferlin Husky (who also appears as the slow-witted town shopkeeper), The Willis Brothers (“Six Foot Two by Four”), George Jones (“Things Have Gone to Pieces”), Ray Price (“The Other Woman”), and Loretta Lynn (“Blue Kentucky Girl”). 

Back in the day, poor folks in the south weren’t able to afford to see big country acts in concert.  However, for a quarter or two, they could see something like this or Hootenanny Hoot and watch a dozen or so bands with only the barest wisp of a plot to get in the way.  It’s not exactly great or anything, but it remains a harmless little time capsule. 

Speaking as an Ormond connoisseur, Forty Acre Feud is an agreeable middle tier entry in his filmography.  It might not have the same kick as The Monster and the Stripper or the WTF goodness of his later religious pictures, but it’s decent enough.  In fact, it feels kind of like a country music offshoot of his early burlesque movie, Varieties on Parade as it’s essentially a series of filmed performances.  The fact that he started his career making many low budget westerns also meant he probably knew a thing or two about country and western music too. 

Husky later starred in the immortal Hillbillys in a Haunted House.