THE HITMAN NEVER DIES (2017) * ½

Michael Ironside stars as a small-time kingpin who hires a recently released jailbird named Gus (Michael Eklund) to pull one last job for him.  He needs Gus to recover an incriminating videotape from a porn set before the cops get there and raid the place.  Naturally, other interested parties come looking for the tape too.  Our hero then must make an uneasy alliance with a sexy Asian assassin (Bernice Liu) to get the tape and worm his way out from under his boss’ thumb once and for all. 

This low budget crime comedy was a Chinese and Canadian co-production (you don’t get too many of those).  It tries way too hard to be a clever Tarantino riff, and it’s rarely, if ever, successful.  It’s also chockfull of cliches (a title card with the character’s name pops up on screen every time someone new is introduced, tired narration that works overtime trying to sound hardboiled, a structure that relies heavily on flashbacks inside of flashbacks, porn star characters, criminals that live by a strict code, etc.) and doesn’t  find  anything new or interesting to add to them.  Also, the title makes no damn sense, which is a little irksome. 

The flick thinks it’s hip and edgy, but many scenes are more cringeworthy than anything (like when a hitman is waving around a tentacle dildo).  In fact, there’s a lot of octopus-oriented sex talk here, which makes me ponder if the screenwriters weren’t working out some of their own fetishes here.  It would be one thing if it had a good twist or memorable characters.  However, the weak script wraps itself up way too neatly and often leaves its cast in the lurch. 

Ironside is ideally cast as the crotchety kingpin, but he’s never given much more to do other than sit behind a desk and grumble.  Lui cuts a dashing figure as the sexy assassin in short booty shorts, although she never quite becomes a real character, thanks to the flimsy script.  Both of them fare better than Eklund, who just doesn’t have the screen presence to carry the movie. 

One of Ironside’s dimwitted sons gets the best line when he says, “I think I just figured out how to uncluster this fuck!”

AKA:  Stegman is Dead.