CARNIVAL IN RIO (1983) ***

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this hour-long special about Carnival that premiered on The Playboy Channel.  Now, back in 1983, you probably knew him as Mr. Universe, the guy from Pumping Iron, or as Conan.  This was a year before The Terminator, and he was just on the cusp of being the Arnold Schwarzenegger we all know.  That’s what makes this tape so fascinating.  This was made in a small sliver of time when Arnold (who was always conscious of his public image) would actually agree to appear in something like this.  I’m sure this tape was brought up more than a few times when he was running for governor. 

Anyway, Arnold heads down to Rio during Carnival to soak up the sights and sounds of the local customs and culture.  Mostly though, he just ogles, gropes, and kisses scantily clad and topless women, who look visibly nervous or downright uncomfortable.  He attends an ass-shaking samba competition (“My favorite body part!”) and winds up getting on stage and making a fool of himself.  The next morning, he takes in a capoeira martial arts demonstration before dressing in a native headdress and face paint for a Carnival costume ball where he dances (badly) and runs into Bond girl Ursula Andress.  The following day, Arnold works out on the beach before meeting up with a sexy blonde who gets a soft-focus topless sunbathing sequence alongside a brunette who frolics in the surf.  Then, it’s time for the big Carnival parade.  But enough of that crap.  Soon after, Arnold is cornering the poor brunette and forcing her to give him “language lessons”.  Predictably, he learns just enough so that he can sexually harass women in Portuguese.  The tape ends with Arnold taking the ladies (and one random dude) out for milkshakes before dancing with kids in the streets. 

There are enough picturesque landscapes, scenes of local color, and pseudo-informational tidbits for Carnival in Rio to function as a travelogue.  But let’s face it.  Even with the participation of Arnold, this was only made as an excuse to show some T & A. 

Overall, this is a fascinating time capsule.  Arnold fans will no doubt enjoy seeing a side of him you’re not generally used to seeing.  Some of his antics are truly jaw-dropping.  In short, this is a priceless artifact.  Don’t miss it.  

AKA:  Party in Rio.

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was fortunate enough to once again be a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast.  In this episode we dive into not only the Reb Brown classic, Space Mutiny, but also its iconic appearance on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  You can check it out here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dtvc-podcast-211-space-mutiny/id903755371?i=1000709212216

Or as Reb would say, “MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!  MOVE!”

BORDERLINE (2025) **

Paul (Ray Nicholson) is an obsessive fan of a pop singer named Sofia (Samara Weaving).  One night, he shows up on her doorstep and stabs her bodyguard (Eric Dane), which gets him thrown in the booby hatch.  Months later, he escapes and sneaks into her mansion where he intends to “marry” her.  Paul then takes Sofia’s entourage hostage and forces them to participate in their nutty nuptials. 

Weaving is one of those actresses I’ll watch in nearly anything and Nicholson has been steadily racking up memorable turns in the past couple years.  Even their combined talents can’t seem to breathe much life into this uneven misfire of a comedy thriller.  The script by first time director Jimmy Warden, who is in real life married to Weaving (and also wrote Cocaine Bear) is loosely based on a stalker Madonna had in the ‘90s, hence the title. (Jimmy Fails’ flamboyant basketball player character is an obvious stand-in for Dennis Rodman, who Madonna briefly dated.) 

It might’ve worked had Warden found a consistent tone.  There are some random bits of goofiness that are entertaining (like the cop who spends his stakeout practicing for a song and dance audition), but for the most part, the humor feels strained or worse, falls flat.  Also, the film often stalls when it turns its focus away from Weaving and her stalker.

For a movie directed by her husband, the star isn’t given much of a spotlight.  Weaving’s character is paper thin, and her deadpan reactions lack the spark of something like Ready or Not.  If anything, it’s more of a showcase for Nicholson, who once again delivers a fun performance and has a few amusing moments.  Dane is also quite good as Weaving’s loyal bodyguard. 

Borderline is one of those movies that’s better in theory than execution.  The fact that everyone treats Nicholson with empathy, even though he’s potentially violent, is intriguing, but it sort of hamstrings the potential suspense.  Nicholson’s commitment to the part is admirable, but the script doesn’t give him much to work with.  The movie also peters out way before the wedding finale, which like the film itself, has a much better set-up than payoff. 

The Flaming Lips’ cover of the title track is very good though. 

DEN OF THIEVES (2018) ***

Den of Thieves plays like a low rent version of Heat.  It has lofty, ambitious aims that sometimes act as a hindrance.  (There’s no reason this thing needed to be nearly two and a half hours.)  However, when it hits the sweet spot between trashy potboiler and well-oiled thriller, the results are often electric. 

Gerard Butler is the disheveled and slimy head of the Los Angeles Major Crimes Unit who is trying to nab a crew of elite bank robbers.  He’s able to get to O’Shea Jackson, the gang’s getaway driver, and force him to turn stoolie.  Meanwhile, the head of the gang (Pablo Schreiber) is setting his sights on robbing the Federal Reserve.  It’s then up to Butler and his crew to take them down. 

The film sometimes feels like an assembly cut as there are subplots and scenes that really don’t need to be there (like the scene where 50 Cent uses the crew to intimidate his daughter’s prom date and/or all the stuff with Butler’s messy personal life).  I’m not saying these scenes are bad or anything, but they get in the way of the cops and robbers hijinks.  That said, there still are plenty of good individual scenes in the midst of the action.  I especially liked the part where Butler and Schreiber silently intimidate one another while at a shooting range. 

Butler is a lot of fun to watch as he goes all in on the character’s grimy persona.  Jackson fares well too as the young criminal in over his head.  Schreiber kind of looks like Matthew Fox’s evil twin and delivers a strong turn as the ringleader of the gang.  50 Cent isn’t given a whole lot to do as Schreiber’s second in command, but his presence alone gives the film a boost. 

The final robbery and shootout scenes are solid.  The big Keyser Soze twist is maybe less so.  However, nitpicks aside, Den of Thieves is a winner. 

AKA:  Criminal Squad.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT (2025) ****

The Hartnettaissance is upon us.  Even though the movie as a whole was a misfire, his performance in Trap showed that there was more to Josh Hartnett than previously thought.  Now, with the enormously entertaining action comedy, Fight or Flight he doubles down on the near Nicolas Cage levels of thespian hijinks and turns in a career-best performance in one of the best movies of the year. 

Hartnett stars as a disgraced Secret Service agent (his backstory is the same as Bruce Willis’ in Last Boy Scout) drinking himself to death in Bangkok who is offered a shot of redemption if he can board a plane to San Francisco, find a passenger who is a most wanted hacker, and bring them to justice.  The only problem is that nearly everyone on the plane is an assassin who also happens to be looking for the hacker.  And Hartnett. 

Fight or Flight is kind of like Bullet Train on a plane.  Or maybe Snakes on a Plane but with assassins instead of snakes.  It builds slowly and sprinkles in occasional dollops of crazy fight sequences here and there while keeping a relatively straight face.  (I’m thinking of the scene where a heavily drugged Hartnett battles Marko Zaror in the bathroom.)  Things get increasingly looney as they go along, to the point that when three women dressed like killers from a ‘70s Shaw Brothers movie show up, no one blinks an eye.  The gore is solid too, with a champagne flute to the eyeball being an especially gnarly bit of carnage. 

Things quickly escalate in the third act.  It’s here where Hartnett inadvertently takes a mess of toad venom, begins tripping balls, and proceeds to carve up trained assassins with a chainsaw all the while Elvis Costello sings “Pump It Up” on the soundtrack. 

In a word, cinema. 

Hartnett was really good in the first two acts, but it’s here during this prolonged sequence where he really endeared himself to me.  It was almost as if the toad venom acted like the mushroom in Super Mario Bros. and turned him into Super Hartnett.  If he can bring that same level of demented glee to his next few pictures, I’ll be sure to check them out. 

What separates the film from so many others of its ilk is its sly sense of humor and the crispness of the fight choreography.  The camerawork is excellent during the close-quarters battles, and the editing is concise and effective.  The dialogue has some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when Zaror tries to drug Hartnett and it doesn’t quite work, leading Josh to quip, “I guess you can’t pickle a pickle!”

ANOTHER SON OF SAM (1977) *

The film kicks off with a century’s worth of data about mass murders.  The dates and kill totals of everyone from Jack the Ripper to Son of Sam are splashed on the screen before the opening titles.  Then our story begins. 

A psycho kills an orderly and assaults his doctor before escaping to a nearby college campus.  It doesn’t take long before the nutzo is terrorizing college co-eds.  A detective, who also happens to be the boyfriend of the injured headshrinker, sets out to capture the escaped looney. 

Another Son of Sam is only seventy-two minutes long, but it is often a chore to sit through as it feels much longer than the seemingly brief running time suggests.  It contains way too many freeze frames, unnecessary slow-motion shots, POV scenes of the killer lumbering around the campus, and close-ups of his bugged-out eyeballs.  In addition to the pre-title crime statistics, the film is also padded with a long and unintentionally hilarious lounge singer act.  (“Johnny Charro”.)  It should be said that this is the only real “so bad, it’s good” moment as the rest is the movie is just “so bad, it’s… well… bad”. 

Directed by former stuntman David A. (Grizzly) Adams, Another Son of Sam is shockingly low on chills, thrills, or basic competency.  I mean, sure it’s low budget and all, but it could’ve at least been… you know… entertaining.  The body count is low too (there’s a throwaway line about it being Spring Break as the reason why there’s only three girls in the entire college) and the kills are weak. 

Another sticking point:  The killer is just some escaped mental patient with a mother fixation.  He really isn’t “another” Son of Sam.  Because of that, some true crime fans will be angered at the bait and switch title.  Besides, it’s one thing to produce a movie that exploits real life violence to turn a buck.  It’s another when the filmmakers don’t even attempt to live up to the title.  I mean, if you’re going to exploit something, made a God’s honest exploitation flick and deliver on the sex, blood, and violence fans of that sort of thing expect.  Don’t turn it into a painfully dull and woefully inept police procedural. 

AKA:  Son of Sam.

MALEVOLENCE (2004) ***

Bank robbers go on the lam after a heist leaves some of their crew dead.  The loose cannon of the group takes a mom and her little leaguer hostage and holes up in an abandoned farmhouse.  Before long they are confronted by a knife wielding slasher.  When the rest of the crew shows up to split the loot, the killer begins stalking them too. 

This almost has kind of a Charles B. Pierce feel.  It starts off as sort of a true crime sort of deal before the killer shows up.  His appearance certainly seems inspired by Pierce’s The Town That Dreaded Sundown too. 

Likewise, the scenes with the thieves have the flavor of one of those Tarantino knockoffs from the late ‘90s, especially when they argue about who gets to wear what mask to the heist.  The lone woman on the team bitches, “I wanted to be Snow White!” and the leader scolds, “You’re the Wolf Man!”  In fact, the sudden switchover from crime flick to horror is reminiscent of From Dusk Till Dawn now that I think about it. 

This ultimately winds up being closer to Pierce than Tarantino.  Like Pierce’s ‘70s output, there are long lulls in between the good stuff.  When the good stuff finally does come around, it’s a bit restrained, albeit reasonably well executed.  Writer/director Stevan Mena does a fine job in the third act when he begins pouring on the slasher cliches.  (He delivers at least one solid jump scare too.)  The score is quite good as it is clearly reminiscent of the slasher movies of old, especially Halloween and Friday the 13th.  (The killer bears a more than passing resemblance to Jason in Part 2.)

For something that’s essentially a low budget genre mash-up, Malevolence works more often than not.  Any time you put two different genres together, the results are bound to be uneven.  Fortunately, it remains watchable throughout, even if Mena never quite hits it out of the park.  (It also runs on about ten minutes too long to boot.)

Two sequels followed.