COVER UP (1991) **

The stars of The Punisher, Dolph Lundgren and Louis Gossett, Jr. reunited two years later for this dull and forgettable thriller.  Dolph plays a journalist who travels to Israel to do a story on an attack on an American naval base.  Seems the attack was just a cover for a theft of a deadly nerve gas the U.S. was hiding there.  Dolph’s best friend is blamed for the theft and when he is killed, it looks like Dolph will be next. 

I know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover (up), but Dolph is sorely miscast as a reporter.  I know in real life he’s got a degree in chemical engineering and speaks a mess of languages, but he just looks out of his depth in this movie.  He does what he can, all things considered.  It’s just kind of hard to buy him as a cigar chomping newspaperman.  It is a little amusing that they have to give him a military background to explain his size and ass-kicking capabilities. 

The supporting cast is solid.  Gossett is good and is one of the few actors that seem to be able to realistically intimidate Dolph.  Lisa Berkeley is also quite strong as Dolph’s old flame.  Incredibly enough, this was her only role which is shocking because she has a lot of screen presence. 

Directed by Manny (Dr. Giggles) Coto, Cover Up is rather pedestrian.  It’s slow to start and it doesn’t help that it lands more on the espionage/conspiracy side of the action fence.  We eventually get some car chases and fight scenes, but they are a long time coming.  Once we finally do get around to them, they aren’t exactly worth writing home about.  (The abrupt ending doesn’t help much either.)  Aside from one funny bit involving a concierge at a ratty hotel, it’s pretty much by the numbers in every regard. 

FINDERS KEEPERS, LOVERS WEEPERS! (1968) ***

Paul (Paul Lockwood) is the owner of a topless go-go club.  Whenever he isn’t tying one on, he’s busy cheating on his wife Kelly (Anne Chapman from The Blue Hour) with a series of sexy sex workers.  Meanwhile, a plot brews to knock over the club.   While Kelly is busy making time with Ray (Gordon Wescourt), the stud bartender, thieves enter the bar with the intention of ripping the joint off, which further complicates matters. 

The opening scenes of Finders Keepers, Lovers Weepers! are pure Russ Meyer.  It contains his patented rapid-fire editing as he juxtaposes fast cars with hot and busty go-go girls.  The credits sequence set in the bar, where the names of the cast and crew appear on liquor bottles is also fun, and the theme song is a real toe-tapper too. 

The oddest scene finds a hooker insisting on shaving Paul (if you know what I mean) before doing the deed.  She then flashes back to her days as a young Mennonite flying a kite in a field just as she reaches her climax.  (Meyer’s cutaways to an erupting fountain in the next sex scene is a bit more conventional.) 

Chapman is dynamite, and it’s a shame she only made one film with Meyer as she definitely understood the assignment.  Meyer loved using impossibly busty actresses for his films and not only can she act, but she’s also impossibly busty.  In fact, I’d even say she was overqualified for the role, if you catch my drift.  She gets a great underwater fuck scene too. (This one features cutaways to a demolition derby.)

The melodrama is a bit lacking in comparison to Meyer’s other stuff at the time.  It’s an overall smaller movie that’s also missing some of the sheer exuberance that hallmarks his best work.  With a director like Russ, whose cinematic vision is so singular, the only competition he really has is himself.  Compared to other directors’ output at the time it’s breezy fun.  When judged against his filmography, it comes up a bit short.  Don’t take that as a knock against it as Finders Keepers, Lovers Weeper! is still an enjoyable flick and a terrific vehicle for Chapman.  

ON HER BED OF ROSES (1966) **

In 1966, director Albert Zugsmith made a one-two punch of sexploitation films that purported to be based on academic books about sex.  Both On Her Bed of Roses and The Incredible Sex Revolution feature much of the same cast.  (Although Hampton Fancher and Alex D’Arcy are noticeably absent in this one.)  Neither are peculiarly good, and both go on far too long (both clock in at over a hundred minutes), but I would give this one the edge if only for the strong central performance by Sandra Lynn. 

On Her Bed of Roses is supposedly adapted from Psychedelic Sexualis, “The book that shocked the world!”  (Do you have your copy?)  As with Revolution, Dr. Lee Gladden appears although this time, he’s not playing himself. 

A nut named Stephen (Ronald Warren) snaps, grabs a rifle, and starts picking off people at random on a busy street.  When the cops close in, he turns the gun on himself.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend Melissa (Lynn) relates flashbacks to her shrink (Gladden) about her problems.  Seems she’s a nymphomaniac with severe daddy issues.  She takes to the awkward and shy Stephen, mostly because he is the first guy who never made a pass at her.  After his kill spree, Melissa winds up blaming herself for the ordeal, although the doctor tries to make her see that’s not the case. 

The opening is long winded and ultimately seems like a gross exploitation of ‘50s mass murderers like Charles Whitman.  It’s totally unnecessary and gets the movie off on the wrong foot.  Fortunately, things improve once Lynn shows up, even if the scenes with Gladden in his office tend to drag. 

The highlight is the long party scene that appears smack dab in the middle of the action.  It features scads of T & A, including topless dancing, topless canoodling, topless pillow fights, and Pat Barrington doing a topless belly dance.  It all culminates in an underwater catfight between Lynn and Lovey Song.  Sadly, unbridled fun like this is sorely lacking elsewhere in the picture. 

AKA:  Psychedelic Sexualis.  AKA:  Psychopathia Sexualis.  

PRIMATE (2026) *** ½

January is known as “Dump Month” in Hollywood.  It is a time when studios spring their less desirable product on unsuspecting moviegoers.  Most times, these movies get lost in the shuffle from all the holiday holdover films and wannabe Oscar bait that clogs up the theater that time of year.  However, Dump Month has given us some unadulterated classics in the past few years.  M3GAN, The Beekeeper, and Companion have all been January releases and all of them have been modern classics.  The trend continues with the enormously entertaining and gleefully gory Primate. 

This is essentially Congo Meets Cujo.  A group of friends gather at a ritzy house in Hawaii for a party.  Tragically, their pet chimpanzee contracts rabies and terrorizes the partygoers.  The survivors then hop into the swimming pool and try to wait out the crafty killer chimp. 

Director Johannes Roberts has made swimmers being terrorized a subgenre unto itself with his previous films Strangers:  Prey at Night and the 47 Meters Down franchise.  He cribs from the same playbook here as a big chunk of the movie takes place in the pool.  Fortunately, things never become too stale as the ladies find (sometimes stupid, sometimes not) reasons to hop out of the pool and tangle with the murderous monkey. 

It’s a little slow to start, but once the chimp goes ape (so to speak), Roberts delivers some fine gore sequences.  Faces are torn off, legs are chomped on, hair is ripped from its roots, and heads are crushed.  The standout scene is truly… shall we say… jaw dropping. 

As far as When Animals Attack movies go, this is a darn good one.  It features likable characters, some stylish moments, a cool John Carpenter-inspired score, gnarly gore, and a handful of genuinely suspenseful sequences.  Overall, it’s a highly enjoyable bit of monkey business. 

I can’t wait to see what next January has in store for us. 

THE INCREDIBLE SEX REVOLUTION (1966) **

A shrink named Dr. Lee Gladden, who literally wrote the book on the subject we’re about to see, is our host for this expose on “the world’s changing sexual mores!”  The Incredible Sex Revolution is sort of like a variation on the “white coater” genre where dramatizations of actual case studies are used, but it’s really just an excuse to get away with showing smut under the guises of “education”.

Writer/director Albert (Violated!) Zugsmith starts things off with a humorous flashback to Adam and Eve and sketches about the mating habits of Eskimos and shit before settling down to the meat of the story, which involves Dr. Gladden and his sessions with his new patient Peggy (Lovey Song).  She tells him of her unhappy marriage to Aaron (Ronald Warren).  He wants to spice things up and engage in wife swapping, but she resists.  Peggy tells her troubles to a swinging neighbor (Sharon Cintron), who gives her some advice to help her let go of her inhibitions.  Eventually, her experiences awaken a buried trauma in her past and Dr. Gladden helps to confront it. 

At 102 minutes, The Incredible Sex Revolution is just too unwieldy for its own good.  The sketches in the early going eat up a lot of screen time, and scenes with Gladden and Song in his office are dull.  The melodrama concerning Song’s predicament is predictable too, but at least the party scenes are kind of fun.  While they contain nothing especially “incredible” or “revolutionary”, they do offer up enough T & A to keep you watching.  

The cast (most of whom also appeared in Zugsmith’s On Her Bed of Roses the same year) show up in multiple roles.  Many will be familiar to exploitation fans.  Alex (Horrors of Spider Island) D’Arcy plays Warren’s swinging boss, Faster Pussycat… Kill!  Kill’s Lori Williams pops up in a bit part, and Orgy of the Dead’s Pat Barrington appears doing a topless headstand at a party.  Oh, and co-star Hampton Fancher went on to write the screenplay for Blade Runner!

MASSACRE AT CENTRAL HIGH (1976) ****

Massacre at Central High has essentially the same plot as Bucktown and Vigilante Force, except… you know… at a high school.  If you’ve seen those two movies, then you can probably already guess the big twist, so I will resist spoiling it for those who haven’t.  Suffice to say, they would make a stellar triple feature.  The film also went on to inspire Heathers. While that flick spun Massacre’s ideas off in unique and fun ways, it’s hard to imagine it existing had Rene Daalder’s cult classic not blazed the path first.  (The Class of 1984 probably took a page out of its playbook too.)

David (Derrel Maury) is the new kid in school.  He is sheltered by his old friend Mark (Andrew Stevens) who lets him into the exclusive clique of preppie bullies that rule the halls with an iron fist.  When David stands up to the bullies, he gets handicapped for his troubles.  He then goes out for revenge. 

I won’t reveal any more seeing as the third act twist is what sets this apart from other teen exploitation movies.  It starts out like Death Wish (there’s a hang-gliding death that Paul Kersey himself would be proud of) before becoming a lot more complex.  Again, if you’ve seen Bucktown or Vigilante Force, you will know what’s coming.  However, seeing it play out with teenagers makes it feel like a Crown International movie from Hell.  

Speaking of the teens, I like that we never see the students actually go to class (except gym) and the adults are virtually absent until the final reel.  It gives you the feeling that the bullies have free rein over the school and things like homework don’t really enter your thoughts when you’re perpetually preyed upon day in and day out by teenage hooligans.  (We see one kid working on exactly one math problem, but that’s it as far as schoolwork goes.)  That just hammers home the fact that they aren’t there to learn.  They’re there to survive. 

Maury is very good at playing both sides of his character, which makes for an interesting test of audience loyalty later in the film.  Stevens delivers an equally strong turn as the lone bully with a conscience.  Kimberly (Friday the 13th:   The Final Chapter) Beck is engaging playing a character that’s more three-dimensional than you think at first glance.  It’s also fun seeing Drive-In Queen Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith and a young Robert Carradine as two of the teens targeted by the bullies.  Beck and Smith also get some fine nude scenes, but this is more than just an exploitation item.  It’s a nasty piece of work. 

AKA:  Sexy Jeans.  AKA:  Blackboard Massacre.

ANACONDA (2025) ***

As an unabashed fan of the Anaconda series, I was a little worried when I heard Jack Black and Paul Rudd were making a comedy reboot of the movie, especially one that was going with the “Meta” approach.  I mean, a series that has had sequels featuring Blood Orchids, David Hasselhoff, and a crossover with Lake Placid obviously isn’t taking itself too seriously to begin with.  (Apparently, there was also a Chinese remake in 2024.)  So, why lean into the comedy?

Well, it took about ten minutes for my fears to be washed away.  Yes, it’s a humorous Meta reboot, but one with unexpected heart.  It’s about the love of filmmaking and the camaraderie among friends who make movies together.  That shit pulls at my heartstrings. 

Rudd stars as Ron, a small-time actor who returns home for his best friend Doug’s birthday.  Doug (Black) has long put his dreams of filmmaking aside and has channeled his passion into filming wedding videos.  Ron lies to him that he’s secured the rights for an Anaconda remake, and together, they scrounge up a measly budget, head to the Amazon, to try to film it guerrilla style… with a real snake.  When the snake dies accidentally, they head off into the jungle to find another snake.  Problems arise when a giant snake finds them. 

If you want an honest to goodness Anaconda remake, you’re probably going to be disappointed.  The snake action is kind of low and the attack scenes… uh… lack bite.  This is closer in spirit to Be Kind, Rewind and would make a great double feature with that film.  That’s not only because they both star Jack Black, but because they both are about a group of friends making unauthorized remakes of movies. 

Anaconda is overstuffed and at times frustrating.  There’s a subplot about villainous gold miners trying to run the crew off that just grinds the movie to a halt.  The tone is also a bit inconsistent.  I mean, the original was goofy fun without trying to be goofy.  These are minor contentions because I laughed harder at this movie than I have at a comedy in a long time.  If you kind of think of it as a modern-day version of an Abbott and Costello Meet a Monster movie, it will go down smoother.  Plus, the cameos are so good that they kind of put it over the top.