THE LUSTFUL TURK (1968) * ½

Unconfirmed sources state that at the time, this was the most expensive nudie ever made.  I don’t know, it looks pretty cheap to me.  The costumes and sets feel like they came from a community dinner theater.  It also features wall to wall narration, which means the production saved money on sound equipment.  Much of the narration comes in the form of people sitting around and reading letters.  This is a good way to pad the scenes out.  Also, if the plot calls for a boat crossing the ocean or something, the camera just cuts away to a painting of a boat and hopes the audience puts two and two together.  Heck, it’s so cheap that they couldn’t even afford to show a cutaway to the sun setting.  Instead, we get a shot of a construction-paper sun setting that looks like a fourth grader’s art project.

Maybe I was just expecting more from writer/producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman and director Byron (The Head Mistress) Mabe. 

The plot is simple.  In the 19th century, a sultan (Tom Ato) buys a virginal young Englishwoman named Emily (Abbe Rentz) and her servant Eliza (Gee Gentell) for his harem where he forcibly indoctrinates them into womanhood.  However, the constant narration is needlessly wordy and overly flowery.  It also suffocates the action.  The awkward structure that revolves around people sitting and reading letters does it no favors either.  In fact, I found my attention starting to wander by the time we get to the scene where there’s a flashback inside of a letter. 

The softcore action itself is rather tepid.  It’s almost like Friedman and Mabe were so enamored with the idea of making a “legitimate” smut movie that they forgot to make it smutty.  Even the light bondage and S & M scenes fall flat.  The sequences of fair maidens being ravished get repetitive too.  I guess if you’ve seen one deflowering you’ve seen them all. 

There is at least one line of dialogue that had me cracking up though.  It’s spoken by the title character when he realizes someone other than himself has taken a slave girl’s virginity and he asks her, “How long have you been joined to the uncircumcised pig?”

KNOCK AT THE CABIN (2023) ***

I make no secret about my disdain for M. Night Shyamalan’s movies.  I’ve never liked one of his films.  Usually, when the premise is good, the ending is either predictable (The Sixth Sense) or just flat-out sucks (Signs).  The ones I’ve come closest to enjoying are the ones that are consistently goofy throughout (like The Happening and Old).  Then, there’s the ones that are terrible all the way through (like Unbreakable and The Village).   Well, I guess the law of averages dictates I’d be bound to like a M. Night joint at some juncture. 

Dave Bautista approaches a little girl (Nikki Amuka-Bird) playing in the woods and begins acting super creepy.  She runs and tells her two dads (Jonathan Groff and Ben Aldridge) who lock the cabin door.  Soon, Dave’s “friends” show up to the cabin stating they have important “work” to do.  They eventually break in, tie the family up, and tell them they have to make a sacrifice in order to save the world. 

Knock at the Cabin starts off like a siege movie with the dads doing everything they can to stop the intruders, which isn’t much since the cabin isn’t exactly Fort Knox.  I don’t want to spoil the best parts, which tend to be a tad philosophical, but the central crux of the story is quite compelling.  Most of Shyamalan’s work has a great beginning and a crummy ending or vice versa.  I guess the surprising thing here (there isn’t really a “Shyamalan Twist” in this one) is that the film is at its best when it’s just a bunch of people sitting around and talking. 

M. Night gets a lot of mileage out of Dave Bautista.  He plays a gentle giant that sometimes borders on Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but there’s always a possibility he could snap at any point.  Groff and Aldridge are quite good too, as is Amuka-Bird (although she isn’t given much to do besides cower in fear for the last two acts). 

So, chalk this one up as the first M. Night movie I enjoyed.  Maybe he’s got another winner up his sleeve.  Despite his track record with me, he still displays enough potential in his films that keep me (sometimes foolishly) coming back for more.  I guess whenever M. Night knocks, I’ll still answer. 

ALL WOMEN ARE BAD (1969) * ½

A door-to-door salesman comes home early one day to find his wife in bed with another man.  Devastated, he runs off to New York City where he rents a seedy apartment and starts peeping on women.  Wherever he goes, he sees his wife’s face in the women he ogles, which slowly sinks him into madness.  

Directed by Larry (Beware the Black Widow) Crane, All Women are Bad is only an hour long, but it suffers from way too much padding.  If Crane cut out the scenes of our hero getting lost in the woods, taking slow moving ferry boat rides, and wandering around Chinatown, the film would’ve been a helluva lot shorter.  The unnecessary recap of events at the very end further helps to pad things out to an interminable length. 

Maybe my issues with the film could’ve been overlooked had the softcore sex scenes been decent.  However, Crane gives them a listless quality that is decidedly unsexy.  Sometimes, Crane begins a scene with promise (like the stuff with the fortune teller or the weird undertaker), but the follow-through is weak or ends abruptly.  Even the lesbian bondage scenes squander much of their potential.  Crane also delivers one of the most cut-rate “trip” scenes in screen history.  (It’s nothing more than a woman posing in front of a slideshow projector.)  The unending stream of useless narration grates on the nerves too. 

There’s an occasional bright spot to be found amid the malarkey.  We get an odd scene where our main character peeps on two guys getting it on.  I guess if the title of the film is All Women are Bad then that means these men are good?  Either way, this bit is certainly progressive for the times.  The most memorable moment though comes when our hapless hero looks down and imagines he has his wife’s breasts!  Also, I can’t completely hate any movie whose title inspired a Cramps song, but that morsel of goodwill only goes but so far.  For the most part, All Women are Bad just ain’t very good. 

That’s future Deep Throat director Gerard Damiano as the talent agent (he was responsible for the “special effects” too). 

BAD, BAD GANG! (1971) **

Two couples named Adam and Eve and Jane and Abel head to the “Garden of Eden” campsite for a vacation.  While Adam and Abel are busy fishing and playing cards, Eve and Jane sneak off to the camper to bone.  Eve and Jane then go down to the lake for some sunbathing where they are kidnapped and raped by some bikers.  As Adam and Abel stand by powerless to do anything, the jealous biker mamas decide to rape them too. 

Not to be confused with The Hard Riders, another biker skin flick starring Rene Bond, Bad, Bad Gang! was directed by Jon Donne AKA: Donn Greer.  His handling of the porn scenes leave something to be desired as they are indifferently filmed for the most part.  Although the grungy feel is perfect for a biker-themed roughie, most of the hardcore scenes are a bust.  The lesbian scene in the camper between the two leading ladies is decent, however. 

I had a little trouble trying to figure out the whole religious angle.  Okay, our main characters are called “Adam” and Eve”, and the campsite is called the “Garden of Eden”, right?  So, if that’s the case, then who are the bikers supposed to represent?  The snake?  Or are they meant to be the apple?  If so, having Eve being taken against her will goes against the whole idea of Original Sin.  (If that’s indeed what’s intended.).  A Christian scholar I am not, but sheesh.  Maybe I should just repeat to myself “It’s just a crummy fuck flick from the ‘70s and I should really just relax”. 

The use of an instrumental of “Amazing Grace” in some scenes is pretty hilarious too.  Donne might’ve thought added to the religious symbolism, but it just seems goofy more than anything.   Still, fans of Bond (I’m including myself here) will probably check it out just to see her in action. 

Greer later made the incredible WTF classic, The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Island. 

STARLET! (1969) **

Starlet! was written by legendary exploitation producer David F. (A Smell of Honey, a Swallow of Brine) Friedman.  The film sometimes feels like an attempt by Friedman to break out of the nudie business and make a “real” movie.  He used the old Hollywood axiom of “write what you know” and wrote a story about making low-budget skin flicks.  The results are quite uneven. 

Carol (Dee Lockwood) is an aspiring actress working in softcore nudies who hides her profession from her roommates.  Linda (Chris Mathis) is uptight, and Allison (Shari Mann) will practically jump anything that moves.  Linda’s director boyfriend Forrest (Victor Brandt) is appalled when she is raped at a Hollywood party by a producer but is powerless to do anything for fear of losing his big break.  Meanwhile, Allison strikes up a romance with aging starlet Maxine (Kathi Cole) while Carol begins sleeping her way to starring in a sleazy producer’s big budget epic. 

Some of this plays like a half-assed version of Valley of the Dolls, but it’s all pretty cheap.  The scenes set inside Friedman’s own studio feel like a cost-cutting measure more than anything.  Even though Starlet! is more serious than most of his efforts, there’s still people with names like “Phil Latio” running around, which seemingly runs against the grain of his dramatic intentions. 

I admire the fact that the opening scene shows the skin flick world in an unflattering light, or at the very least, depicts it in a realistic manner.  The director constantly yells at the actress while she’s just going through the motions with her co-star in bed.  Had the screenplay concentrated more on this sort of behind-the-scenes minutia than the standard cliched dramatic tropes, it might’ve worked. 

While there’s enough T & A here to pass it off as a skin flick, Friedman’s strive for legitimacy takes some of the fun out of the proceedings.  It’s also severely lacking the charm of his more disreputable efforts.  Still, there are some memorable moments (like the Pilgrim-themed bondage movie) and a few legitimately funny lines.  (“Be obscene and not heard!”)  It also benefits from the presence of Stuart (Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!) Lancaster as a sleazy producer.  Oh, and Friedman even shows up playing himself!  

Ultimately, the film suffers from a needlessly bloated running time.  It probably also has too many unnecessary supporting characters.  Because of its ambling nature, Starlet! never quite reaches the top. 

AKA:  Hollywood Sex Slaves. 

AMITYVILLE BACKROOMS (2024) **

Hey guys, have you heard about this Backrooms movie everyone is talking about?  Well, it was all sold out at the theater, so I watched this one on Tubi instead.  I admit I’m not all that familiar with the whole “Backrooms” concept.  The only Backrooms I’ve ever been to were located behind the beaded curtain in the back of the video store.  But I digress. 

Anyway, an unscrupulous realtor strongarms his client into buying the old Amityville house.  After he closes the deal, the realtor finds himself trapped inside the house with no way to escape.  Later, his boss arrives at the house to check on him and gets lost inside too. 

I guess the whole Backrooms deal involves someone being trapped inside an endless loop of liminal spaces.  I suppose the mundane look and long static shots are part of what goes into making a Backrooms thing work.  However, there were times I thought my Tubi had frozen up on me because the takes were held so long. 

I can’t say the Backrooms concept works for me as a whole, but I can see how it could appeal to some people.  I can certainly understand why the idea of combining a Backrooms video with an Amityville movie would appeal to indie filmmakers with limited means.  It shows you can take a simple premise and make a watchable movie with a minimum number of locations, a small cast (there are no women to be found in this one) and mere pocket change at their disposal.  That said, this never really approaches becoming a “good” movie.  The acting is bad and the ending is awful.  Still, it’s all downright Shakespearean compared to some of the other low-budget Amityville flicks that are out there.  You also have to deal with a lot of cheap-looking news reports that help to pad out the running time.  (These kinds of scenarios are almost a given in fake Amityville rip-offs nowadays.)

The burly realtor gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Amityville sucks!”

OBSESSION (2026) ***

This low-budget horror flick was a surprise blockbuster at the box office.  It has a simple but effective premise that manages to breathe new life into the shopworn “Monkey Paw” cliché.  Remember that one Tales from the Crypt episode with Andrew McCarthy?  It’s sort of like a 21st century variation on that. 

Bear (Michael Johnston) gets put into the dreaded Friend Zone by his coworker Nikki (Inde Navarrette).  Frustrated by the fact that he can’t express his feelings towards her, Bear buys a wishing stick and wishes for her to fall madly in love with him.  Well, it works… a little too well. 

First time director Curry Barker favors creating an unsettling mood rather than out and out shocks.  He fills the frame with drab colors, and the muted palette lends the picture an ominous feel.  While I kind of wish (heh… perhaps a poor choice of words) he went for the jugular a bit more often (there’s a scene with a steering wheel that is a real crowd pleaser), he nevertheless does a solid job setting the creepy tone early on.  Even more impressive is the fact he is able to sustain it for much of the film’s running time.  It does wear on a bit long at 107 minutes, and while it would’ve benefited from some tighter editing, Obsession remains a heck of a debut. 

The real MVP is Navarrette.  The reason the audience buys the premise is thanks largely to her total commitment to the crazed lengths her character will go through to be loved.  She does some of her best work hidden in silhouette, but she is equally fine when she goes into full-tilt nutzo mode.  We’ve had a lot of great acting performances by women in horror over the past couple of years, and Navarrette’s ranks right there with the best of them.

Barker didn’t reinvent the wheel with this one.  Sometimes, you don’t have to.  You just have to keep it spinning.

And yes, that’s Conan O’Brien’s sidekick Andy Richter as Johnston and Navarrette’s boss. 

OBSCENE HOUSE (1969) ** ½

Four naked women lay in bed and proceed to get nipple to nipple while the narrator makes cheeky comments about business and industry.  (Of course, she’s referring to the world’s oldest profession.)  After about fifteen minutes of hot lesbian action, the narrator is revealed to be none other than “Fat Mama”, the girls’ 400 lbs. madam.  (Imagine if Divine was born a biological woman and that might give you an idea of her stature.)  Soon, male clients arrive to the house, and Fat Mama has the girls line up for inspection before they are paired off for some hanky-panky. 

The production values of Obscene House leave something to be desired.  The sound drops out constantly, several actresses stand around awkwardly at the beginning of scenes waiting for the director to yell “Action!”, and they stare directly at the camera while doing the horizontal mambo.  That said, the color cinematography is surprisingly good, especially considering the film looks like a cross between a stag loop and someone’s home movies.  The narration is essentially a one-joke premise as Fat Mama brings all the innuendo back to running a small business.  It isn’t exactly “funny”, but it’s more fun than say, taking business classes down at the community college. 

While the opening lesbian orgy starts things off with a bang (literally), I will say the scenes of the hookers and their Johns aren’t nearly as hot.  That’s not to say they aren’t memorable.  The three-way scene is especially odd.  There’s a bit where a gal deep throats her client’s hand that is rather strange.  (She also really seems to be into palm licking.)  I guess they couldn’t get away with showing actual hardcore action, so this was presented as a substitute.  It also helps that the girls are all pretty sexy (aside from Big Mama, of course), although the actress with the best chest has the worst teeth.  (Fortunately, she didn’t show off her oral know-how or there could’ve been bloodshed.)

Despite the title, the hand sucking scene is about as “obscene” as this one gets.  It’s a watchable enough effort for the most part. The quirky elements are enough to guarantee that you won’t forget it any time soon.  Whether or not it’s a “good” movie is an entirely different matter.

SCARLET WARNING 666 (1974) NO STARS

You know the term “Stream of Consciousness”?  Scarlet Warning 666 might be the first Stream of Unconsciousness movie.  It is the mad cinematic ramblings of a filmmaker who has no idea what he’s doing and just keeps filling the picture with more… stuff.  It’s a movie so befuddling to an audience that it probably only makes sense to one person:  Director/writer/star/musician Palmer Rockey. 

Say what you will about Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau.  Even though their films are largely ego-stroking diasterpieces, they still can make a movie that has a plot that goes from A to B (more or less).  The same can’t be said for Rockey.  You never know who’s doing what or where they are in conjunction to other characters or even what’s going on with the plot (or what passes for plot in this movie).  So please excuse me if I refrain from featuring the customary plot summary in this review as words like “plot” only exist as the vaguest of notions in Rockey’s world. 

I have a spray bottle by my couch that I use on my cats.  Whenever they do something wrong like claw the furniture or try to jump on the bookcase, I squirt them.  If I sprayed the movie every time Palmer Rockey did something wrong, I would’ve short-circuited my television and flooded out the Man Cave before the second act. 

The behind-the-scenes drama is a lot more interesting than what occurs on screen.  Apparently Rockey mooched off his wife so he could make this thing.  When it was laughed off the screen at the premiere, he went back and re-edited it and added new footage along with narration insulting the critics who dared to… uh… criticize his lack of talent.  (“Flick you!”  “What’s that mean?”  “It means knock it off, Cletus!”)

Since Rockey kept adding bits over the course of a decade, he visibly ages and changes from scene to scene.  He also plays his own twin brother, but it’s all so incoherent you probably won’t even pick up on it till the movie’s halfway over.  Sure, there’s some genuinely strange imagery along the way, like when the cult of bikini-clad women tortures our hero on a spiked wheel.  You might not make it that far though. 

The movie also boasts that this was the first time that the star performed “54” roles on screen and off in a motion picture.  To say Rockey was spread thin is a massive understatement.  Yes, he did 54 jobs on the film, but he did a terrible fucking job at each and every one of them.  I guess if you’re in the record books, they can’t take that away from you; even if it’s for all the wrong reasons. 

I’m giving this NO STARS mostly as an attention-getter.  For sheer entertainment value, it’s probably worth a *** rating as it’s ultimately too long (107 minutes) and can’t consistently maintain its WTF momentum.   Be sure, I laughed long and hard during the film and doubted my sanity at least four or five times, which is quite a feat in itself.  However, believe me when I tell you that speaking strictly in terms of technical merit, screenwriting, acting, direction, and general competence, Scarlet Warning 666 is the worst movie I have ever seen. 

AKA:  It Happened One Weekend.  AKA:  It Happened One Sunday.  AKA:  Love is Deep Inside.  AKA:  Rockey’s Style.  AKA:  Scarlet Love.  AKA:  Scarlet Love 666. 

MY PLEASURE IS MY BUSINESS (1975) **

Remember all those Happy Hooker movies from the ‘70s?  They were based on the books by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander and caused a minor scandal back in the day.  While Hollywood was in the process of churning out the first adaptation of The Happy Hooker starring Lynn Redgrave, Canada was busy making this flick with the real Xaviera in her first and only starring role. 

Xaviera stars as a porn star named Gabriele who has had numerous affairs with several politicians.  Fearing she could potentially ruin their careers, they get together and run her out of America.  The fictional country of Gestalt is the only nation who will offer her asylum, mostly because the crooked dictator thinks her arrival will draw attention away from his shady dealings. 

This is a fairly weak sex farce, but the participation of Hollander makes it notable.  The title sequence is fun as Xaviera’s plane is denied access to several countries as she is deemed “too sexy” to land.  After that, it’s basically a collection of half-hearted subplots strung together. 

Most of the humor is unfunny, but it’s nothing too painful (aside from some lame gay stereotypes).  There are some oddball asides (like the “International Detective” who has his own theme song) and at least one amusing sight gag.  However, there’s way too much time spent on a dumb bicycle chase.  Also, the movie ends with a pie fight, which should really tell you something. 

It’s hard to imagine why Xaviera didn’t become a B-movie star as she’s pretty good in this.  She looks the part and is quite sexy.  Heck, she probably could’ve played herself in The Happy Hooker movie (or at least in one of the sequels).  Maybe the thought was her accent was too thick for some viewers, but I didn’t mind it.  If only her brief topless scenes had better staging.  (She spends way too much time with her back to the camera.) 

Ultimately, My Pleasure is My Business is an OK slice of softcore hokum.  Your average moviegoer will likely be unamused, but it’ll be worth watching if you’re a fan of the Happy Hooker movies.  I can’t guarantee you’ll be as happy as Xaviera though. 

ALL THE YOUNG WIVES (1973) **

Big Jim (Jerry Richards) is a wealthy man who goes out hunting quail with some friends at a wilderness lodge.  He feigns an injury so he can go back to the lodge and make time with his buddy’s hot wife.  Meanwhile, at home, Big Jim’s lonely, frustrated wife Melody (Linda Cook) starts making eyes at Sam (Edmund Genest), his horse trainer.  Before long, Sam’s teaching her how to ride bareback, if you know what I mean. 

This was sold as a sexploitation flick, but it’s more of a relationship drama that’s occasionally gussied up by a smattering of skin.  The drama isn’t really strong enough to make up for the lack of T & A, but it’s decent enough to keep you watching.  The unnecessary subplots don’t help matters though.  The stuff involving Big Jim’s buddy embezzling from him really slows things down.  The business with Sam secretly breeding a racehorse under Big Jim’s nose works slightly better, and the horse race finale is good for a laugh as it plays like a no-budget version of the chariot race in Ben-Hur. 

The biggest problem with All the Young Wives is its misleading title.  There are only two of them.  (I guess three, if you count the black chick Big Jim picks up, but she isn’t married.)  It honestly needed at least two or three more young wives in the mix, if you ask me.  Heck, I would’ve even taken a middle aged one as long as she was hot to trot.  Linda Cook is pretty good as Melody though.  She later provided the voice for Leech Woman in Puppet Master. 

Speaking of people who went on to bigger and better things, the film’s writer and director, William Diehl later became an acclaimed novelist and two of his books, Sharkey’s Machine and Primal Fear, were adapted into hit movies. 

AKA:  Naked Rider.  AKA:  You All Come.

Don’t forget, you can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back here: https://www.amazon.com/Video-Vacuum-Strikes-Back-ebook/dp/B0H2BWQCRQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2349LP809O62V&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J8MqaHbH_3KpC7JF37KRdjV_VBqL8oKOj6_BN5h8lkFjqCkhGgf1m54dMzaXfzSSQCu43U9GbiyOQkPlEtHTYmSUbaJC9ZkJdHc-cNLnswSn5JCsTz8Cj6c8rx0H2NfC.SkpsN9r_jraGLKheDjjWBnG5ZAWz_6GGYgkFxbzQkfM&dib_tag=se&keywords=mitch+lovell&qid=1787085529&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&sr=8-1

MITCH'S LATEST BOOK--THE VIDEO VACUUM STRIKES BACK! ON SALE NOW!

I guess you guys and gals have been wondering where the heck I’ve been.  Well, I’ve been busy putting the finishing touches on my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back!  And good news… It’s available for purchase on Amazon.  Did you ever want a book that contains whole chapters devoted to such film franchises such as The Curse and Witchcraft series?  Well, here it is!  Did you ever wish for a book that had chapters on the works of Jim Wynorski AND Orson Welles?  This is the book for you! 

In fact, here’s the Table of Contents, which includes the complete list of movies featured in the book:

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1:  THE WITCHCRAFT SERIES

WITCHCRAFT  (1989), WITCHCRAFT 2:  THE SEDUCTRESS, WITCHCRAFT 3:  THE KISS OF DEATH, WITCHCRAFT 4, WITCHCRAFT 5:  “DANCE WITH THE DEVIL”, WITCHCRAFT 6:  THE DEVIL’S MISTRESS, WITCHCRAFT 7, WITCHCRAFT 8:  SALEM’S GHOST, WITCHCRAFT 9:  BITTER FLESH, WITCHCRAFT:  MISTRESS OF THE CRAFT, WITCHCRAFT 11:  SISTERS IN BLOOD, WITCHCRAFT 12:  IN THE LAIR OF THE SERPENT, WITCHCRAFT 13:  BLOOD OF THE CHOSEN, WITCHCRAFT 14:  ANGEL OF DEATH, WITCHCRAFT 15:  BLOOD ROSE, WITCHCRAFT 16:  HOLLYWOOD COVEN

CHAPTER 2:  “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER

BACK IN ACTION, IMMORTAL COMBAT, TOUGH AND DEADLY, SCI-FIGHTERS, DEAD TIDES, FIRST ENCOUNTER, MARKED MAN, THE BAD PACK, LAST TO SURRENDER, JACK OF HEARTS

CHAPTER 3:  KILLER SHARKS

MAKO:  JAWS OF DEATH, THE LAST SHARK, JAWS 3-D, SHARK ATTACK 2, SHARK ATTACK 3:  MEGALODON, MEGA SHARK VS. MECHA SHARK, SHARKNADO 2:  THE SECOND ONE, SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA, MEGA SHARK VS. KOLOSSUS, SHARK LAKE, SHARKNADO 3:  OH HELL NO!, THE SHALLOWS, USS INDIANAPOLIS:  MEN OF COURAGE, 47 METERS DOWN, DEEP BLUE SEA 2, THE MEG

CHAPTER 4:  KLAUS KINSKI

THE GREAT SILENCE, BLACK KILLER, HIS NAME WAS KING, AGUIRRE, THE WRATH OF GOD, THERE’S A NOOSE WAITING FOR YOU TRINITY, FITZCARRALDO, BURDEN OF DREAMS, CRAWLSPACE, COBRA VERDE

CHAPTER 5:  CLASSIC COMEDY TEAMS

HOLD EM JAIL, LOST IN A HAREM, NO HOLDS BARRED, SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES

CHAPTER 6:  JIM WYNORSKI

THE LOST EMPIRE, THE HAUNTING OF MORELLA, HARD BOUNTY, THE ASSAULT, DEMOLITION HIGH, MILITIA, GARGOYLE:  WINGS OF DARKNESS, THE BARE WENCH PROJECT:  THE FINAL CHAPTER, CRASH LANDING, SHOCKWAVE, BONE EATER, POPATOPOLIS, GILA!

CHAPTER 7:  ORSON WELLES

OTHELLO, MR. ARKADIN, FALSTAFF (CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT), A SAFE PLACE, DON QUIXOTE, NECROMANCY, SOMEONE TO LOVE, THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WIND, THEY’LL LOVE ME WHEN I’M DEAD

CHAPTER 8:  WALKING TALL

WALKING TALL  (1973), PART 2:  WALKING TALL:  THE LEGEND OF BUFORD PUSSER, FINAL CHAPTER:  WALKING TALL, A REAL AMERICAN HERO, WALKING TALL (2004), WALKING TALL:  THE PAYBACK, WALKING TALL:  LONE JUSTICE

CHAPTER 9:  FRED WILLIAMSON

BLACK EYE, BOSS, BLIND RAGE, VIGILANTE, 1990:  THE BRONX WARRIORS, SODA CRACKER, CROOKED, VEGAS VAMPIRES

CHAPTER 10:  THE CURSE SERIES

THE CURSE, CURSE 2:  THE BITE, CURSE 3:  BLOOD SACRIFICE, CATACOMBS

CHAPTER 11:  BILL PAXTON

THE LORDS OF DISCIPLINE, RIDING FAST, PASS THE AMMO, BACK TO BACK, BRAIN DEAD, THE LAST OF THE FINEST, MONOLITH, THE LAST SUPPER, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, THUNDERBIRDS

If you want to read more, head over to Amazon and order your copy NOW: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10

I should be back to my normal routine of reviewing on the site very soon.  Until then, keep it weird!

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was once again fortunate to be a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast. On this episode, our topic of discussion was Neil Breen’s masterpiece, Fateful Findings.  This was arguably my favorite episode to record, and I hope you have as much fun listening to it as I had talking about it.  You can (fateful) find that discussion here:  https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/dtvc-podcast/episodes/DTVC-Podcast-275--Fateful-Findings-e3n9ors

THE CONTRACTOR (2022) **

Chris Pine stars as a soldier who gets kicked out of the Army for juicing.  Facing insurmountable debt, he decides the only way he can feed his family is to go to work for Kiefer Sutherland doing shady Black Ops shit.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  Shit goes down on Pine’s first mission, and he is predictably double-crossed.  He then has to go after the people who set him up and make sure they don’t go after his family either. 

The Contractor reunites the stars of Hell or High Water, Chris Pine and Ben Foster.  That’s about where the comparisons end.  If you go into this expecting a film half as good as that one, you’re going to be severely disappointed. 

Director Tarik Saleh’s motive seems to be take a solemn action movie and dress it up like a dramatic character study.  This works in the first act as this stretch is full of mundane scenes of the hero’s home life that look like they came out of an independent drama.  Sadly, the action scenes are handled in the same mundane manner.  That means they never really heat up or cause your pulse to quicken because they are staged in such a disinterested way. 

The dull scenes of Pine gathering intel, staking out his targets, and getting into fisticuffs and shootouts might’ve worked had they been done with a little bit of style, but the film looks and feels more like a Prime original TV show than a feature.  I appreciate the fact they were trying to do a stripped-down version of a tried-and-true story.  Honestly, unless you have some style or substance to back up the lack of depth, you’re not left with very much I’m afraid. 

Even the script feels like a lukewarm first draft.  The biggest surprise in the third act is that the only surprise they could manage would only surprise someone who’d never seen a movie before.  I’d call it “by the numbers”, but that would be an insult to numbers. 

Pine’s charisma does all the heavy lifting here.  His performance is really the only thing worth a damn in the film.  (Although Foster isn’t bad either.)  When the script, direction, and action are all subpar, he’s pretty much the whole show.  Unless you’re dying to see every movie in his filmography, I’d say this one is easily skippable.  

HOW TO SEDUCE A WOMAN (1974) *

A group of friends sit around a bar and tell a reporter stories of how they used to help their Casanova wannabe pal Luther Lucas (Angus Duncan) score with chicks.  One says she’s Greta Garbo to lure a prospective plaything to a dinner party.  Another gets him set up as a patient of a sexy TV doctor (named “Dr. Sisters”).  Other schemes involve our hero pretending to be gay, posing as an artist, and seducing his uptight secretary who is helping him write a book about his exploits. 

Most of the ploys to land women in bed are sub-sitcom types of scenarios.  Many of them are dire and unfunny, especially the one where Luther pretends to be gay.  Maybe they would’ve been bearable if the segments ran about ten minutes or so, but each one clocks in at about twenty or twenty-five, and they all feel twice that length.  That’s the biggest crime with How to Succeed with Women, the over length.  It’s a dreary one-hundred-and-eight minutes, and it doesn’t even have one and a half laughs. 

It’s also never made clear why our hero’s friends help him in his quest to ensnare unsuspecting dates.  I mean, it’s obvious he needs all the help he can get as he has zero rizz.  It’s just a mystery why everyone in his inner circle devotes so much of their free time to getting this jackass laid.  The framing device is really unnecessary too and only adds to the film’s already ungodly running time.  (The gratuitous “twist” ending also stretches things out even further.)

This might’ve been watchable had they upped the skin quotient, but we have to wait over an hour before we get to the T & A.  Alexandra Hay briefly disrobes as his artist’s model, and Angel Tompkins has a few nip slips as his virginal secretary.  However, this is a mere drop in the entertainment bucket, and it’s a long time coming.  

In short, How to Seduce a Woman will fail to seduce anyone other than die-hard fans of Tompkins. 

THE KING (1968) * ½

Linda is a sexy secretary who allows herself to be seduced by her boss, Miss Turner.  She goes home to her lesbian lover, Mickey who whips her before making love.  They are soon joined by Joan, the third member of their throuple for a three-way.  After a satisfying bout of lesbian sex, the ladies take off for their summer home on Fire Island.  Secretly, Linda wishes her boss would swoop in and rescue her from her dreary existence. 

Written and directed by “Looney Bear” AKA: Jack Bravman, The King begins with a long opening credits sequence of inane slam poetry spoken over photos of naked women.  If this is too much for you to handle, you might want to consider tapping out early as the movie is nothing more than scenes of tepid lesbian action that’s essentially ruined by a never-ending stream of narration.  Much of the narration is unnecessary and/or flat-out annoying.  (Linda says, “Oh, Mickey!” more times during her love scene than Toni Basil.)  This kind of chicanery throws cold water on any chance this thing had of being erotic.  Often, the narration is just describing what you can plainly see with your own two eyes, which renders it superfluous.  It would be one thing if the long scenes of the narrator moaning in ecstasy had been good for a laugh, but it just grates on your nerves.  It’s the cinematic equivalent of trying to sleep in a hotel room while the couple in the next room keep fucking at all hours of the evening. 

The short running time is also a mixed blessing.  Sure, it’s nice that you only have to deal with this monotony for an hour.  The downside, however, is that the ending is so abrupt and unsatisfying that it’s liable to make you furious. 

Bravman went on to direct everything from hardcore XXX movies to Zombie Nightmare starring Adam West. 

DARK DREAMS (1971) **

Dark Dreams begins with a long scene where a narrator relates the history of sorcery and witchcraft to the audience while an old witch whips up a potion.  I hate to break it to you, but this is the best scene in the movie.  That’s especially disappointing considering this is a porno horror flick from the ‘70s. 

Harry Reems and Tina Russell are a couple of newlyweds who get a flat tire on the way to their honeymoon.  They seek shelter at the house of an old lady who invites them inside and immediately spikes their tea.  She then turns into a hot young blonde and seduces Harry while a guy in a black cloak shanghais Tina, takes her upstairs, and prepares her for her wedding night.  That’s just a fancy way of saying he passes her around to different men and women who bang her. 

This is one of those pornos that tries its damnedest to be a “real” movie.  It certainly looks the part as the cinematography is excellent.  That said, the way the filmmakers try to add atmosphere to the proceedings is amateurish at best.  They really overdo it with the slow-motion in some scenes, which was probably to pad out the running time more than anything else.  The “spooky” additions to the soundtrack are often laughable as some of the droning sounds like outtakes from Their Satanic Majesty’s Request.  The distortion on the witch’s chanting also makes her sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. 

The “movie” itself isn’t very good, and that wouldn’t matter if the porno scenes were hot.  Unfortunately, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before we even get to the fucking.  While there is a handful of sex scenes, it feels like there’s more foreplay than actual penetration in them.  Ultimately, the hardcore inserts are way too brief to make much of a difference one way or another.  It also doesn’t help that the movie just sort of peters out at the end.  The sole redeeming scene features Reems and a Satanic chick playing with whipped cream.  However, the fact that the enchanting Russell is more or less wasted compounds the overall feeling of frustration. 

MITCH’S NEW BOOK—THE VIDEO VACUUM STRIKES BACK!—COMING SOON!

Hey everyone,

I guess you’ve noticed I haven’t been posting a lot lately.  That’s mostly because I have been busy preparing my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! for publication.  I am currently in the final proofing stages, and it should be ready to order from Amazon in mid-August.

For those keeping track, this will be my seventh collection of movie reviews.  Strikes Back will contain about 98% brand-new reviews and will complete a loose trilogy that began with The Best (and Worst) of the Video Vacuum and continued with Revenge of the Video Vacuum.  It contains a hodgepodge of reviews featuring actors, directors, and movie franchises that include (and are not limited to) “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Bill Paxton, Jim Wynorski, Orson Welles, and the films from the Witchcraft and Curse series.

Keep an eye peeled on this space for more updates!

ROCK ‘N’ ROLL #3: SEXY GIRLS, SEXY GUNS (1987) ***

 

Remember the video featuring sexy girls shooting guns that Samuel L. Jackson is watching in Jackie Brown?  I think this is where Quentin Tarantino got the inspiration from.  Heck, this might even be where The Cramps got their inspiration for “Bikini Girls with Machine Guns”. 

Apparently, the first two volumes in the Rock ‘n’ Roll series had men shooting various types of guns.  The filmmakers must’ve got the memo that nobody wanted to see that shit, so they wisely spiced it up by putting hot girls in there instead.  The results are certainly something.  It plays like a mash-up of a bikini video centerfold and gun catalogue. 

The models, we learn, are mostly aspiring actresses and/or college students from the San Diego area.  They merely stand in the middle of the desert while firing a machine gun (along with a slow-motion replay or two) while their narration rattles off the specs of that model of weapon.  Many admit they have never held a gun let alone fired a machine gun before, which leads to some awkward moments. 

First up is Lillian, who wears a pink bikini and fires an MPK.  (“Those Germans really know how to make a machine gun!”)  Rosie wears a gold bikini while shooting an A2K MP5.  Angela appears next in a pink bikini firing the same weapon.  Then it’s Denise (“This tape will make an interesting addition to my resume!”), who wears a ripped T-shirt with leopard print thong while firing an AK-47.  Next, it’s Tani Jo firing a MAC-10 in a pink bikini.  Kathy appears afterwards firing another AK-47 while wearing a weightlifting uniform.  Rhonda is next wearing a red bathing suit and shooting another A2K MP5.  Then, it’s Julie’s turn to shoot an M-16 while wearing a black tank top and polka dot mini-skirt.  A different Kathy is next, appearing in a two-toned bathing suit and shooting an M-14.  Adrianna follows shooting an UZI in a skimpy silver bikini.  Afterwards, Tish, who wears a black bikini top and zebra striped pants, shoots an old school Tommy gun.  Lisa shows up in a lacy black number shooting a H & K G-3.  She’s followed by Ann in a sexy black bikini testing an M-16.  Dottie rounds out the tape wearing a white button up top and matching thong while rattling off an UZI. 

Some may be disappointed that there is no variety here.  The scenes of girls, guns, and factoids are all rather interchangeable.  Then again, when you have girls in bikinis firing machine guns, who needs variety?

DEATHSTALKER (2025) ****

Produced by Slash, of Guns N’ Roses fame, Deathstalker is an update of the Roger Corman classic.  The original was one of the best sword and sorcery movies of the ‘80s.  This one is even better. 

Daniel Bernhardt is the title character, a dashing rogue who scavenges battlefields for loot.  While out foraging, he stumbles upon a cursed amulet (which may have the power to bring about the end of the world) and becomes intertwined with its fate.  With the help of a diminutive wizard (voiced by Patton Oswalt), Deathstalker tries to free himself of the trinket.  Eventually, he says, what the heck, and decides to save the universe. 

They say they don’t make ‘em like they used to.  Director Steven (Leprechaun Returns) Kostanski proves them wrong.  Deathstalker is an unabashed throwback to the glory days of the ‘80s, brimming with practical effects, rubbery monsters, and lots of gore.  There are plenty of nods to the original movies, and even a reference to the immortal Sword and the Sorcerer that I’m sure fans will love. It may be a tad long at one-hundred-and-two minutes but far be it from me to complain about getting too much of a good thing.  

Bernhardt is a lot of fun in the title role.  Early in his career, he sometimes had an awkward screen presence, but that was easy to overlook because his physicality was undeniable.  Now he’s grown in leaps and bounds in front of the camera, and the role of a lovable rake fits him like a glove.  The vocal performance by Oswalt as the wizard Doodad garners plenty of laughs too. 

Some of the rubbery effects are genuinely impressive and others are bad on purpose.  It’s the deadpan acceptance of all the creatures big and small, cheap and (somewhat) expensive that make it work.  The movie doesn’t wink at the camera the way… say… Deathstalker 2 did.  This one has genuine affinity for its inhabitants, which is what makes it special.  Deathstalker’s slavish adherence to ‘80s special effects is endearing enough (I feel obliged to give any movie made in 2025 that features a scene of stop-motion skeleton warriors sword fighting Four Stars on general principles), but the knowing humor and unexpected heart make it a modern classic. 

NAUGHTY DALLAS (1964) **

Small town girl Toni Shannon leaves her family and heads off to Dallas with dreams of becoming a dancer.  (“If I don’t get into show business, I’ll just come back home and pick cotton!”)  After spending a lot of time walking around “The Big D”, Toni eventually tries her hand at burlesque. 

Writer/director Larry (Mars Needs Women) Buchanan shot Naughty Dallas on location at a real strip club in Dallas.  It was shot silently, so the “plot” scenes are filled with long reams of narration from a narrator, Shannon, and other random characters.  People only shut their trap once the dancing finally occurs.  

Too bad many of the dance numbers are flatly filmed.  Peggy Steele is up first.  Buchanan basically plants the camera and lets the number play out.  It’s not very lively till the very end.  Up next is Jada, a vivacious redhead.  This number is a lot more energetic and at least features a little camera movement.  She’s followed by Susanna Long’s semi-comical routine where she removes about a dozen different skirts.  Then it’s the Moran Sisters, who dress like French maids.  If you’re into sisters AND French maids, then this routine is for you!  Colleen Conover is next, and her blasé attitude coupled with the constant cutaways to the leering patrons undermines the effectiveness of this sequence.  Finally, it’s Toni’s turn to shine!  Unfortunately, she gets cold feet about halfway through her performance and runs off stage.  After a pep talk from the star of the show, Kim Ataz (who does a Turkish themed dance), Toni’s confidence is restored. 

Ataz’s number is lively as it’s full of backbends and splits, but Buchanan doesn’t do her any favors by keeping the camera so far away from the stage.  Then Jada gives an encore performance, and it’s a fiery high-energy number.  If only the rest of the dances were of this caliber, Naughty Dallas could’ve been a real winner. 

The only segments with synchronized sound are the ones featuring the emcees and the burlesque comedians.  The first is a guy who plays banjo, who isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but I’ve certainly seen worse in these sorts of things. The next is a comedian who dresses like Mother Goose and does dirty rhymes.  I wonder if Andrew “Dice” Clay saw this. 

AKA:  Mondo Exotica.  AKA:  Life in the Raw.  AKA:  Naughty Cuties.

BONE LAKE (2025) ***

It takes a lot to make this jaded movie fan’s jaw drop, but let me tell you something folks, my jaw hit the floor before the words “Bone Lake” even appeared on screen.  Like, I know you can show a lot in movies nowadays, but I didn’t know you could show… THAT.  Having said that, I must now say that once my jaw returned to its normal state, it did not drop again.  Still, as far as attention getters go, the pre-title scene is a classic. 

Sage (Maddie Hasson) and Diego (Marco Piggosi) rent a luxurious Airbnb for a romantic getaway.  Much to their chagrin, another couple arrives claiming they have also booked the house.  At first, Will (Alex Roe) and Cin (Andra Nichita) seem kind of chill, so Sage and Diego grudgingly let them share the spacious mansion.  Eventually, the interlopers begin showing their true colors as they try to manipulate the vacationers into cheating on each other.  It doesn’t take long before the couple’s “game” turns deadly. 

Bone Lake is essentially a ‘90s “From Hell” thriller with a new coat of paint.  And the color of the paint is Blood Red.  This time, the gimmick is an Airbnb from Hell.  Now, the “double booked Airbnb” is fast becoming a standard trope in Hollywood these days.  Every time I see one of these things, I just think to myself, “Y’all would’ve been just fine if you stayed at a Holiday Inn instead.” 

A movie like this that has limited locations and a small cast pretty much lives and dies by the acting.  I’m glad to report that our core four came to play.  As the uptight couple, Piggosi and Hasson kind of look like Temu versions of Pedro Pascal and Florence Pugh.  They’re pretty good too.  Roe and Nichita are also fun as the couple who are hiding a secret.   

I already mentioned the crazy opening, but the finale is no slouch either as it contains at least two showstopping kills.  Although the first and last five minutes are applause-worthy, the middle eighty minutes or so, while solid, pales in comparison as it all plays more or less like a standard thriller.  It’s those bloody bookends that make it really stand out from the rest of the pack though.  

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (2025) ***

The I Know What You Did Last Summer movies have always lived in the shadow of the Scream franchise.  That’s why it was no surprise that when the Scream films gained renewed traction at the box office, we received word a new Summer flick was in the works.  Like 2022’s Scream, it’s a legacy sequel that uses the same title as the original. 

Five teens get high and drunk and inadvertently cause a passing car to go careening off a cliff.  They make a pact to never speak of the incident, and one year later, they begin receiving ominous messages claiming that someone knows what they did last summer.  Pretty soon, they are attacked by a killer dressed like a goth version of the Gorton’s Fisherman.  They then reach out to the survivors of the original Fisherman murders to help them survive. 

I had my guard down on this one.  I genuinely wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did.  The first kill scene where a dopey dude bro is attacked with a spear gun is a lot of fun.  The moment he tried bribing the killer with cryptocurrency I knew I was in for a good time. 

Yes, I Know What You Did Last Summer ’25 is dumb fun, and exactly in that order.  The kills are solid, the body count is healthy, and the leads are mostly likable.  (Madelyn Cline and Sarah Pidgeon are the two standouts.)  I always get a kick out of the unbelievable stupidity of characters in horror movies, but this one features some next level shit.  The best moment is when a guy turns down an opportunity to have rough sex with his girlfriend so he can… charge his phone!  Wow.  Another dude gets so drunk he walks right by the killer and doesn’t even notice him.  In fact, the killer stands IN FRONT OF A STATUE, and the guy still doesn’t see him.  Most of the time in these sorts of things, the killer will hide BEHIND something, but in this one he’s like RIGHT THERE and the guy is just fucking oblivious.  Some folks just get what they deserve, I guess.  Add in the hilarious way they resort to bringing an original cast member back from the dead and one of the dopiest killer reveals in recent memory (“You shouldn’t call me crazy.  It’s SOOOO reductive!”), and you got yourself some completely brainless, but highly entertaining slasher shenanigans. 

Look, I’m not saying this is some under the radar camp classic or anything.  What I am saying is I laughed longer and harder at this movie than most actual comedies.  For me at least, that’s enough. 

Original star Jennifer Love Hewitt gets the best lines like, “Nostalgia’s overrated!  Who cares!”  The callback to the original’s iconic, “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?” is also liable to have you in stitches.  The biggest laugh though comes when Hewitt looks the new Final Girl dead in the face and asks, “WHAT DID YOU DO LAST SUMMER?!?”

THE TESTAMENT OF ANN LEE (2025) **

“Prosthetic butthole”. 

I read an interview recently where Amanda Seyfried said she wore a prosthetic butthole for this movie.  I am not lying when I say that the moment that sentence concluded, I added The Testament of Ann Lee to my watchlist.  Nothing, and I mean nothing will make me see a movie quicker than combining the words “Amanda Seyfried” and “prosthetic butthole”. 

Much to my chagrin, this is one of those movies that is set in the same mold as The VVitch where everyone speaks Olde English and whispers their dialogue in hushed tones.  There’s also a bunch of fancy period appropriate calligraphy during the chapter breaks and shit to remind you how slavish the production was to getting all the period details right.  To make matters worse, the prosthetic butthole is barely in it. Bummer. 

Seyfried stars as Ann, a deeply religious woman who eventually forms The Shakers.  They earn their moniker from the shaking and convulsing that the members exhibit when they are in the throes of religious ecstasy.  One prolonged bout of religious display gets Ann sent to jail and while imprisoned, she has powerful visions.  Imbued with the power of God, she sets out to spread her gospel to the New World. 

The most interesting aspect of the movie occurred early on when Ann’s husband, played by Christopher Abbott, tries some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her to mimic religious ecstasy in the bedroom.  I think this was the scene where she wore the prosthetic butthole, but we never really get a close-up of it.  I’m guessing it was less of a “prosthetic butthole” and more of an “ass merkin”.  Kind of a rip-off, if you ask me. 

Once Ann orders that all who become members of her sect must remain celibate, my interest started to wane.  The biggest problem though is all the musical numbers of parishioners dancing and gallivanting around.  Seyfried and company will randomly burst out into spiritual numbers in the middle of a scene, and the songs don’t really have any emotional and narrative resonance.  I’ve got to be honest with you, a little of this goes a long way. 

That said, I stuck with it to the bitter end.  And, yes, I was bitter that Amanda’s end wasn’t properly featured.  However, the fact that I kept watching this is a testament to my devotion to Seyfried. 

SUPER BOOBS VOL. 1 (199?) ** ½

This Something Weird compilation packs a bunch of shorts featuring buxom beauties into a two-hour block.  Some are better than others, as is usually the case with these sorts of things.  Then again, it’s hard to nitpick when many of the boobs on display are super.  You can’t accuse it of false advertising, that’s for sure.

Short #1:  “Untitled” A busty blonde does a striptease on a burlesque stage.  Her stilted routine and deer-in-headlights demeanor detract from this color short, but her upper body is definitely worthy of the collection’s moniker.  (**)

Short #2:  “Movie Model” This is a nudie loop featuring a short haired blonde disrobing in her living room.  Her massive mammaries are on full display for most of the running time and are the main focal point throughout.  Too bad the boorish droning British narrator takes a lot of the fun out of it. (** ½)

Short #3:  “The Big Bust” A topless maid pours herself a drink.  She eventually gets naked and writhes around on an animal pelt.  This one starts off well enough, but like the previous short, the narration doesn’t match the action, which quickly becomes irksome. (** ½)

Short #4:  “Untitled” An older looking model removes her negligee and poses for the camera.  Later, she dons different lingerie and strips out of that too.  If you can get past the fact the model isn’t very photogenic (she even has a tattoo, which is kind of rare for an old timey loop) you might enjoy it, if only because of her heavy hangers. (**)

Short #5:  “Buxom Blonde” A blonde in a Santa Claus hat strips, plays cards, does some stretching exercises, and makes a phone call.  This is another segment in which the annoying audio (taken from some random nudie movie) spoils much of the fun.  The model is extremely cute though, even if the short never takes full advantage of the Santa Claus motif. (** ½)

Short #6:  “The Sea Siren” A busty brunette chops wood topless.  She eventually decides her pants are interfering with her lumberjack duties and takes them off too.  She then goes for a dip in a nearby creek (not exactly the “sea”, but it’ll do in pinch).  Just when I think I’ve seen it all, along comes a topless lumberjack.  Not only did it restore my faith in this collection, but it restored my faith in humanity as well.  Not only that, but the model kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe and has the best body in the entire compilation.  Oh, and to top it all off, the scene is partially backed by the great toe-tapping tune “The Right Kind” from The Kiss of Her Flesh.  What more can you ask for?  Super indeed! (****)

Short #7:  “The Forest Nymph” A woman wakes up beside a pond wearing nothing but a lei and a hula skirt.  She then proceeds to topless hula dance.  Every time she falls back asleep, she awakens wearing a different flimsy garment.  This one has a fun gimmick and the model’s enthusiasm looks genuine, making for a good time all around. (***)

Short # 8:  “Hold Me” A sexy redhead disrobes on a chez lounge.  The use of the Something Weird favorite, “Hot Blooded Woman” synchs up pretty well here.  It’s enough to make you wish they only used songs and instrumentals from their other releases and scrapped all the dialogue snippets. (****)

Short # 9:  “Slightly High” A classy dame strips while lounging in bed.  She then changes into a sheer nightgown (but not for long).  This is a simple, but effective loop made memorable by a genuinely sexy model. (***)

Short #10:  “Rip Tide” A nude brunette with a premium chassis suns herself on her patio furniture.  She then decides to splash her feet in the pool.  There really isn’t much to this one, but the fact that the model has arguably the best body in the entire collection makes it a winner. (*** ½)

This compilation suffers from some definite highs and lows.  Then again, all the models have super boobs, which is important when you’re starring in something called Super Boobs Vol. 1.  Besides, the fact that the best segments are weighted towards the back half means things end on a high note.  Had things trended in the opposite direction, the whole enterprise might’ve gone tits up. 

THE LOVERS’ GUIDE 2: MAKING SEX EVEN BETTER (1992) ***

The British sensation of sex education returns with another entry.  This one is broken up into nine chapters. Chapter 1 is about “Sex and Communication”.  This is full of basic information for couples that makes sense and seems redundant, but I guess some people just have to hear it out loud.  Chapter 2:  “Planning Erotic Times” is about taking time out from your busy schedule to make room for quality romantic interaction with your partner.  Chapter 3 is self-explanatory:  “Foreplay”.  The dry British narration is good for a few laughs in this segment.  Some of my favorite lines were:  “Non-penetrative pleasuring” and “Some men like a well-lubricated finger in the anus!”

“Intensifying Intercourse” is next.  It shows us various positions and techniques to heighten stimulation.  The highlight is when we get a Superman X-Ray vision shot of the man’s penis while it’s thrusting away inside the woman.  While the narrators sing the praises of prolonged lovemaking in this segment, they also acknowledge the fun of the “quickie”. 

Chapter 5 is on “Creative Lovemaking Positions”.  It’s kind of hard to shock me, but I was genuinely surprised by the one position where the guy rolls up into a ball, and the woman sits on him like a human rocking chair.  Never seen that one before.  That’s followed by Chapter 6:  “Beyond the Bedroom" (which includes sex in places such as the kitchen, bathtub, and in public) and Chapter 7:  “Sex Games” (which encourages taking photos, role playing, and performing stripteases for your partner). 

Chapter 8 is entitled “Safer Sex and First Nights”.  It’s a brief guide for couples just starting out and/or are non-committal.  It also stresses the use of condoms.  Since the scenes of people boning are shown alongside sobering AIDS statistics, it kind of throws cold water on the whole thing.  The final chapter is on “Overcoming Boredom” and features tips to spice up your sexual adventures within a long-lasting relationship. 

Sex education is inherently funny.  When I watch shit like this, it takes me back to 6th grade Sex Ed class when we used to giggle at all the videos they used to show us.  Like the original, The Lovers’ Guide 2:  Making Sex Even better is full of softcore scenes of canoodling and kissing that eventually gives way to some hardcore action (mostly jerking off and suck jobs).  

For couples, I have to say there’s nothing especially revelatory here. It’s all rather basic information, really.  As a sequel, it’s not quite as good as the first one and the hardcore action isn’t as steamy either.  Nevertheless, it’s still a fun way to spend an hour. 

The highpoint of the hilarious narration had to be:  “Do be careful when it comes to inserting things into your vagina!”

SPIDER BABY (2024) * ½

Remaking Spider Baby isn’t the worst idea in the world but turning it into an ersatz Grindhouse movie was a big miscalculation.  It also doesn’t help that the filmmakers constantly ape Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses as It uses the same washed-out kind of interstitials that bookend scenes and are filled with clips from old cartoons and nudies.  (House star Robert Mukes also appears as the narrator.)  The Zombie-style heavy metal song that plays over the opening credits is laughably bad too.  I mean nothing could top the original film’s theme song (sung by its star, Lon Chaney Jr.).  However, this shit is terrible.  

Siblings Virginia (Skylar Fast) and Elizabeth (Emma Keifer) are stricken by The Merrye Syndrome, a rare condition that reverts them back to a childlike state.  Sometimes, they even regress so far back that they inhabit a primitive mindset which makes them capable of unspeakable violence.  When Aunt Emily (Jennifer Moriarty) comes to the house to send the children away, they turn on their nasty relatives. 

While the Jack Hill original had some disturbing elements, the humanity that emanated from Lon Chaney Jr.’s performance and his outpouring of unconditional love for the “children” made it a surprisingly heartwarming and unique motion picture experience.  This one is just a cheap cash-in trading on the name and reputation of a classic.  Director Dustin Ferguson has made some good low budget movies (like Axed to Pieces).  He’s made some bad ones too (like Amityville in the Hood).  I think you can guess what category this falls into.  Like I said, this is more of a miscalculation than anything.  The Grindhouse filter on the camera would’ve been fine for flashback scenes, but to make the whole movie with the obvious filter just calls attention to itself.

I guess the good news is that it’s less than an hour long.  Even that is a mixed blessing as the finale feels really rushed and the potentially poignant ending isn’t given enough room to breathe.  At least Ferguson was smart enough to not overstay his welcome. 

Chaney’s son, Ron has a cameo as a doctor early on, which was a nice touch.  It’s Noel Jason Scott though who takes over Chaney’s old role as Bruno the caretaker.  He certainly tries, and although he can’t compete with Lon, he easily gives the best performance of the movie. 

They somehow wrangled Hill into serving as an executive producer on this.  I’m not sure what he got out of it other than a paycheck.  This version ultimately winds up feeling like those actor recreations you see in true crime shows.  It also sorely lacks the humanity, wit, and warmth that made the original a classic.  Maybe if you’ve never seen the original, you might not be as incensed.  For me, there is no comparison. 

AKA:  Spider Baby, or the Maddest Story Ever Told. 

SWINGING WIVES (1973) ***

Swinging Wives is a West German sexploitation movie made in the Schoolgirl Report mold.  It purports to be an expose about marriage and infidelity that is supposedly taken from “real” case studies of actual couples.  Sprinkled in between are man on the street interviews.  It’s all just an excuse to show some T & A. 

You know a movie is on the right track when it features a housewife doing nude housework including vacuuming, ironing, and washing the dishes during opening credits. 

The first segment is about a couple who are full of passion on their wedding night, but the spark quickly runs out.  Next, we have an interview with a door-to-door masseur who caters to the needs of his married female clientele.  Then, a frustrated housewife defies her husband and visits a swingers’ party next door.  That’s followed by a bridge club who surprises a delivery man by playing their game in the nude.  A teenage girl learns her mother is having an affair and sets out to seduce her mom’s suitor in the next vignette.  Afterwards, a wife tries to take her own life after having an affair with her husband’s best friend.  We then learn a mailman’s guide to servicing the lonely wives on his route.  Next, a woman puts the moves on her gynecologist when he drops in for a house call.  Then, there’s a segment on a door-to-door smut peddler who gets it on with a married client.  That’s followed by a story about a bored housewife who takes to turning tricks to make a little money on the side and predictably winds having her husband as a client.  Finally, we return to our first couple to check on their progress. 

Most of these kinds of movies have an episodic nature, which can yield uneven results.  The good news about Swinging Wives is that the episodes are all rather entertaining.  The best segments manage to blend humor into the mix.  In fact, the movie sort of gets better as it goes along, mostly because the sequences in the second half feature wives who seem to be having fun while they are swinging. 

The dubbed dialogue contains some real howlers too.  My favorite line comes when a swinger sees a sexy housewife and quips to his friend, “That’s real humping material right there!” 

AKA:  The New Hot Report:  What Men Don’t Think is Possible.

CARNE (1968) ** ½

I attended a John Waters Q & A a while back and asked him who his favorite under-the-radar B-movie director was and he responded with Armando Bo.  Since I had already seen (and loved) Fuego, I knew I had to start checking into Bo’s back catalogue.  The fact that he always cast the buxom and beautiful Isabel Sarli (his on-screen muse as well as off) in his films, didn’t hurt either. 

The first thing you see in Carne is Sarli posing nude.  That’s quickly followed by a love scene AND a rape scene… all BEFORE the opening credits!

See, Sarli loves her boyfriend, who is an artist and paints her in the nude.  They both have a day job at the local meat packing plant.  Her rapist is a trucker who delivers meat to the place.  After raping her again, he kidnaps her and holds her captive in his meat truck where he shares her with his friends. 

Bo has been called the Argentinian Russ Meyer, and for good reason.  Not only does he love to feature hot busty babes in his movies, but the stylized editing and camerawork is very reminiscent of old Russ.  He certainly isn’t subtle.  Consider the scenes of Sarli in the factory as she symbolically handles raw meat.  The way her attacker views her as “meat” is so “on the nose”, it could very well be up the nose.  The scene where she is chased through a veritable maze of hanging beef in the meat locker by her rapist is effective too, although some will be put off by the scene when he throws her on a slab of beef and says, “Meat on meat!” before defiling her.  Oh, and did I mention when he throws her in his truck, there’s a cutaway to some signage that reads, “Meat in Transit”?

Most of the drama comes from whether her beau will A) Avenge Sarli’s defilement and/or B) Forgive her.  I’m sure you can pretty much guess what will happen. 

The reason to watch it is for Sarli.  Despite this being an exploitation flick, she doesn’t get naked as often as you might expect.  That’s appropriate too, given the subject matter.  However, those brief nude scenes are really something.  Because of Sarli, Carne is enjoyable even if the rest of the film isn’t exactly well done.