THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN PRE-GAME: A WET DREAM ON ELM STREET (2011) **

Many teenage girls from a small town have been left comatose and trapped in a state of perpetual orgasm.  Three women who miraculously hadn’t met such a fate attend their two-year high school reunion where their professor (Tommy Pistol) tells them the story of Freddy (Anthony Rosano).  Seems he was a sex toy salesman who was burned alive by angry customers.  He then got his revenge by using a glove equipped with dildo fingers to ravage women in their sleep.  Before long, Freddy comes after our three heroines. 

If you’re wondering what kind of high school A) has a two-year reunion or B) has professors and not teachers, then this porn parody of A Nightmare on Elm Street probably isn’t for you.  Not that dumb plot details in a porno matter, but it just goes to show how little thought was put into this thing.  It’s especially disappointing since the film doesn’t even attempt to recreate any scenes/moments from the original movies (or even the remake, which is what it was cashing in on). 

I guess that wouldn’t be a big issue if the sex scenes were hot.  I guess they are okay, but nearly all of them run on a bit long, suffer from repetitive positions and scenarios (there’s a lot of tit fucking if that’s your sort of thing), and are frankly, kind of vanilla.  The ladies in the cast, including Angela White, Gracie Glam, and Sophie Dee are sexy, sure.  I just don’t think anyone will mistake this movie for their finest hour. 

Freddy’s wisecracks aren’t especially funny, which is another debit.  I will say that some of the dialogue is so dumb that it’s good for an unintentional chuckle.  My favorite line was, “She’s getting fingered into unconsciousness!”

As a fan of horror movies and porn parodies in general, I’m glad this exists.  Do I wish they put more thought into it?  Yes.  Do I wish it was funnier?  Absolutely.  That said, you can’t title your movie A Wet Dream on Elm Street and not expect me to watch it, regardless of whether it’s “good” or not. 

THE 31 DAYS OF HORROR-WEEN

This year for the annual 31 Days of Horror-Ween festivities, I am going to be doing something a little different.  The bad news is that I am still running behind on getting caught up on all the reviews I didn’t get to post this summer, so October won’t be all-horror movies as it usually is.  The good news is that the majority of the reviews that I haven’t posted yet are for horror films.  Because of that, I’m going to label them as “The 31 Days of Horror-Ween:  Pre-Game”.  Once I am caught up, I will switch over to all-horror programming.  Since I won’t be able to give you all 31 days of horror, I am going to make this year’s theme The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween.  That way, I will still review a horror movie for each day in October, just posted later in the month.  Afterwards, we will continue as usual with November (and probably December) being “Halloween Hangover” where I review a bunch of other horror-related odds and ends.  I hope to at least be caught up on the reviews in the next few weeks so we can focus on pure horror all the time.  

THE WEIRD WORLD OF WEIRD (1970) ***

Hosted by Ralph Story, this dated television special will be of interest to Ed Wood fans, Satanists, and Mondo movie aficionados.  It’s an examination of the occult in the modern world and focuses on everything from the mundane (like astrology and horoscopes) to the slightly supernatural (a “real” witch is interviewed) to downright spooky (there’s a segment on Anton LaVey).  There are also segments on horoscope hotlines, a hippie wedding, telepathy, seances, a visit to Magic Castle, ghost hunting, and hypnotic regression. 

My favorite part was seeing Plan 9 from Outer Space star Criswell appearing sporadically throughout the program and making his zany predictions.  (He even pops out of a coffin!)  Some of his nonsense is good for a laugh, but I did find it amusing that his prediction about “men and women using the same washrooms” eventually came true!

Criswell isn’t the only name B-movie fans will recognize.  Mighty Joe Young’s Terry Moore and Forbidden Planet’s Anne Francis are briefly interviewed about their belief in horoscopes.  Plus, we also get to see the Girl in Gold Boots herself, Leslie McRae modeling a Zodiac-inspired evening gown.  The scenes of LaVey’s black mass rituals are mostly just scenes from his movie, Satanis, but Story’s cheeky commentary over the footage garners a few big laughs. 

Speaking of which, viewers with a genuine interest in the subject may not appreciate Story’s snide remarks throughout.  However, his skepticism is justified, especially when you see some of the borderline ridiculous subjects (like the guy who can “read” balloons).  Sure, some segments may be more amusing than others, but The Weird World of Weird is a breezy (it’s only forty-five minutes long) and enjoyable bit of pseudoscience hokum.  Anyone who’s ever flipped through one of those old Time Life books back in the day is sure to dig it. 

THE HOUSEMAID (2025) *** ½

Millie (Sydney Sweeney) gets a job as a housemaid to rich Nina (Amanda Seyfried) and her family.  It quickly becomes apparent Nina has a screw or two loose, but Millie sucks it up since she’s on parole and desperately needs a job.  Predictably, Millie winds up having an affair with Nina’s husband Andrew (Brandon Sklenar), which really sends her off the rails. 

Directed by Paul (Ghostbusters) Feig, The Housemaid is essentially a big budget Lifetime movie set in the Wrong “Insert Occupation Here” mode.  Given the fact that Lifetime movies are a guilty pleasure of mine and that Seyfried and Sweeney are two of my favorite actresses working today means I was virtually predestined to check it out. 

Seyfried gives a tour de force performance.  Her extreme toxic positivity borders on unhinged and once she actually becomes unhinged, it’s truly a sight to see.  She especially shines during the longish flashback sequence which shows how she met her husband.  Sweeney downplays her sexpot rep and delivers a fine performance playing a demurer version of her typical persona.  (Although she is given a big-time glow-up whenever the plot requires.)  I also got a kick out of Elizabeth Perkins as Sklenar’s bitchy mom. 

The movie is often smarter and even funnier than it really needed to be, which is appreciated.  Seyfried gets a particularly hilarious line when she meets Sweeney for the first time and offers her some charcuterie:  “Is it too early in the morning for meat and cheese?”  I also dug the bit where Sweeney and the Skelnar bonded while watching Family Feud.  Speaking of which, there is a lot of chemistry between Sweeney and Skelnar.  While their obligatory sex scene is tastefully done, it still manages to titillate. 

This is a first-rate popcorn thriller through and through.  The twist that occurs about two-thirds into the flick is pretty good too.  Heck, it even takes a turn into torture porn territory by the end, which helps to up the ante.  When it comes to delivering thrills, The Housemaid cleans up. 

GOOD MORNING AND GOODBYE! (1967) ****

Good Morning and Goodbye! is a Russ Meyer film that no one really seems to talk about.  I honestly knew very little about it going in, which was for the better.  I mean, Faster Pussycat and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls will always be vying for the top spot.  This one is a complete riot.  It easily landed in my Top Five favorite Meyer movies even after only one viewing. 

The opening beats are quintessential Meyer.  From the rapid-fire editing and the hilariously overblown narration, you know you’re in Meyer Territory.  The shots of naked women frolicking in nature and busty blondes wildly go-go dancing are just Pure Cinema.  Also, I have to say that the opening credits, where the names of the cast and crew are emblazoned on mailboxes as a sports car speeds down the road, is really cool too. 

The film explores the various love triangles (and rectangles) of the Boland family.  Angel (played by the magnificent Alaina Capri) is a sultry temptress who humiliates her impotent husband Burt (Stuart Lancaster) by humping every stud in town.  Meanwhile, Burt’s virginal daughter Lana (Karen Ciral) is busy trying to catch the eye of a jive-talking hot rodder (Don Johnson… no, not that one).  There’s also a nymph (Haji) who skips through the forest and lurks in lakes that goes around influencing the action. 

Capri only appeared in three movies (including Meyer’s Common Law Cabin, which came out the same year) and that seems like a tragic loss for cinephiles.  She is incredible in this film as her knockout physique is only matched by the ferocity in which she spews her hateful dialogue.  Meyer’s filmography is littered with badass women with enormous breasts that chew men up and spit them out, and I’m here to tell you Capri is one of the best.  I also enjoyed Haji as the nature girl who sparks lust in Lancaster by belly dancing, gyrating wildly, and growling and meowing like a goddamned cat. 

As much as Meyer’s technique shines throughout, it can’t be overstated just how terrific screenwriter Jackie (Faster Pussycat) Moran’s dialogue is.  There are some real jaw-droppers here.  If they ever make a Smithsonian of smut, the screenplay for Good Morning and Goodbye! belongs in its hallowed halls.  I could quote this film endlessly, but I’ll just limit myself to my two favorite lines, both of which are spoken by Capri:  “Okay, so I’m a biological freak,” and “You play the stock market like a fox, but you store your nuts away like a squirrel!”

AKA:  Lust Seekers.

RED SONJA (2025) ** ½

After decades in Development Hell, this redo of the old Brigitte Nielsen flick found its way to the screen with director MJ (Silent Hill:  Revelation) Bassett at the helm.  It’s a much more serious (and bloody) treatment of the character this time around.  While I sort of missed the goofy antics of the original, this is a perfectly acceptable, if a tad bland, interpretation. 

Sonja (Matilda Lutz from Revenge) is a nature loving warrior woman who does battle with anyone who desecrates the sacred forest.  A fey emperor named Draygan (Robert Sheehan) is laying waste to the wilderness in search of a mystical book.  Sonja steps in to stop him and is promptly thrown into a gladiator pit for her troubles.  She eventually leads a revolt, and with her former gladiators by her side, sets out to protect her home from the emperor’s legions. 

Lutz is the reason the film works as well as it does.  She imbues the character with the toughness the character requires, but it’s the subtle hints of humanity that prevents her portrayal from feeling cliched.  I liked the early scene where she discovers poachers have slain animals only for their trophies.  The best moments come courtesy of the funny comic relief shtick with her horse, which plays like something out of a Spaghetti Western. 

The supporting cast is solid too.  Sheehan is appropriately whiny as the sniveling villain.  My favorite bit was when he gets excited that his men have found a cyclops to join his army.  Wallis Day cuts a striking image as the sexy white-haired warrior who acts as Draygan’s right hand woman.  Rhona Mitra also has some nice moments too as a gladiator woman that Red refuses to fight. 

Overall, this is pretty standard stuff, but it’s watchable in a lazy Sunday afternoon entertainment kind of way.  It kinda lands closer to Xena:  Warrior Princess than Conan, although that’s mostly because the budget wasn’t quite high enough to meet the film’s aims.  As a consequence, the CGI and greenscreen effects run the gamut from decent to wonky.  Some establishing shots of arenas and castles resemble cut scenes from a video game too.  The pit battle with the aforementioned cyclops starts out fine, but it winds up feeling rushed and anticlimactic.  

That said, it’s enjoyable for the most part.  Red Sonja meets its quota of no-frills sword and sorcery shenanigans.  For many, that will be enough. 

Bassett also directed an adaptation of another Robert E. Howard character, Solomon Kane.

BLACK SNAKE (1973) ** ½

Black Snake isn’t the first, last, best, or worst exploitation flick about the evils of slavery, but it is the only one directed by Russ Meyer. 

The whip-wielding Lady Susan (Anouska Hempel) lords over a Caribbean plantation where the slaves are brutally mistreated.  Meanwhile, Sir Charles (David Warbeck) believes Susan murdered his brother, so he travels to the plantation from England to seek revenge.  He soon however finds himself in the middle of a deadly slave revolt. 

Russ Meyer’s Black Snake works better as a slave exploitation movie than as a work of one of the great masters of skin cinema, even if his fingerprints are all over the material.  The story is given somewhat of a boost thanks to Meyer’s trademark punchy editing and camerawork.  It’s just that his distinctive style can only carry the picture but so far. 

Another Meyer hallmark is the powerful female character in Lady Susan.  Hempel cuts a memorable figure dressed like a female Zorro and wielding a deadly whip.  You just sort of wish she inhabited a better film. 

While Black Snake isn’t necessarily “bad”, it’s frustratingly misguided and uneven.  There are some gruesome bits here as Meyer offers up plenty of whippings, a crucifixion, and even a shark attack.  A few moments flirt with the horror genre too.  (Hempel’s ghastly discovery in a bathtub would look at home in a Mario Bava picture.)   Meyer’s usual brand of cheeky humor, although somewhat muted compared to his other work, runs against the grain of the harsh and cruel depiction of the barbarism of slavery.  (Although the scene where the slave driver begs for his life and comically winds up putting his foot in his mouth is pretty funny.) 

As uneven as Black Snake is, there’s plenty to like about it.  We get some T & A, courtesy of Anouska, but not nearly as much of you might expect, especially coming from Meyer.  It’s the general air of unpleasantness that lingers over the proceedings that knocks it down a notch.  It also means this will probably be the least rewatched film in Meyer’s oeuvre for fans of the director.  (The Seven Minutes notwithstanding.)

AKA:  Sweet Suzy.  AKA:  Slaves.  AKA:  Black Snake:  The Whip.  AKA:  Duchess of Doom.

DANCE OR DIE (1987) ***

Jason (Roy Kieffer) is a dance instructor who comes home to find his coke dealer roommate murdered.  Soon after, he begins receiving threatening phone calls demanding he hand over a bunch of drugs, which he clearly doesn’t have.  Adding to his woes is the fact that he’s a recovering addict, and all this business with drugs might push him back into using again. 

Speaking of drugs, you’ll probably be wondering what kind of drugs the filmmakers were on.  This is one nutty flick.  

Directed by Richard W. (Ring of Fire) Munchkin, Dance or Die was an early effort from the legendary direct to video producing duo of Richard Pepin and Joespeh Merhi.  It’s an oddball mix of dancing and action that doesn’t always work, but when it does find the sweet spot, the results can be jaw dropping.  The opening does for ballet what Breakin’ did for breakdancing.  That is to say, it’s fucking hilarious.  Even the cheesy Meet Cute in a grocery store contains a genuine laugh or two.  

Then there’s the hilarious dream scenes.  One looks like a cross between a heavy metal music video and a community theater version of Cats.  Another resembles a fever dream mash-up of an Easyriders Video Magazine mixed with a Skinamax flick.  I also got a kick out of the subplot where our hero turns to a psychic friend to find the missing coke.  (I wouldn’t dream of spoiling where they find it.)  Moments like these make Dance or Die a B-Movie fan’s dream. 

The action is okay too, although there’s not quite enough of it to really satisfy DTV action fans.  It’s those nutty dream sequences that make Dance or Die so memorable.  The druggie drama is fine and all, but the subplot about our hero going to Narcotic Anonymous meetings ground it in a reality that’s not nearly as fun as the cartoonish world that the campy dance routines inhabit.  These scenes of our hero wrestling with his addiction are easily the weakest aspects of the film and really prevent the movie from attaining legendary status.  The finale, which intercuts a cheesy choreographed dance routine with low rent shootouts and action is pure bliss though. 

ICE CREAM MAN (2026) ****

A week or so before Eli Roth’s Ice Cream Man came out, my feed was inundated with videos of Gen Z YouTubers (none of whom I follow, mind you) holding tiny microphones and aggressively clutching their pearls as they condemned the film for having the audacity to (checks notes)… contain politically incorrect humor?  They were also shocked (SHOCKED!  I tell you!) by the extreme gore, mostly done by zombified children.  It’s almost as if none of these bozos had ever seen The Children, Who Can Kill a Child?, or Cooties. 

Well, forget those weenies.  I’m here to tell you Ice Cream Man is another bonafide classic from Roth.  It’s a fun, gory, and mean-spirited romp that plays like a Troma movie on steroids.  It’s a lot better than that Weapons crap, I’ll tell you that. 

The plot has a creepy ice cream man (Ari Millen) coming into a small town and handing out ice cream to all the kids.  Before long, the ice cream turns the children into kill-crazy brats that brutally murder all the adults in town.  It’s then up to the last surviving normal kids to stop the ice cream man’s reign of terror. 

Like most of Roth’s work, the film is full of black humor, gory goodness, and scenes of awful people getting their just desserts.  (I’m allowing myself only one ice cream pun in this review.)  Some of the juicy highlights include the kids using an ice cream scoop to dole out their principal’s brains, turning a teacher into a human version of the Operation board game, and a standout death involving a microscope.  While the flick coasts on the copious gore, Roth (who is also hilarious as the father of our hero, who makes an unending stream of dad jokes) also delivers a few well-edited sequences, my favorite being a terrific nod to The Birds.  I also got a kick out of the scene where a priest tells our heroes the overly complicated way the title character must be dispatched, which plays like a parody of the cheesy lore usually found in horror films. 

However, the best part was the attached preview for Roth’s next film, a collaboration with Snoop Dogg called Don’t Go in That House, Bitch! that ranks right up there with his original Thanksgiving trailer. 

If Ice Cream Man has a flaw, it’s that it might not be as polished as Thanksgiving (the movie, not the trailer).  Time will only tell if it has the replay value of Roth’s Green Inferno or Cabin Fever. I guess when you’re the 21st century GOAT of horror, your only competition is yourself. 

COFFIN JOE’S VISIONS OF TERROR (1994) *** ½

This trailer compilation from Something Weird Video is devoted to the films of the legendary Jose Mojica Marins and his immortal creation, Coffin Joe.  Things kick off with an incredible trailer for At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul.  From there, it doesn’t look back.   

The most interesting part is seeing trailers for Marins’ non-Coffin Joe films, many of which I’ve never even heard of like Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, which looks like your standard jungle expedition movie... but… you know… with sex and blood.  The Prophet of Hunger (which was not directed by Marins) finds him playing a character who looks kind of similar to Finis Hominis.  Women of the Violent Sex looks like a badass sleazy crime thriller.  There’s also a sex comedy called The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, a crazy looking movie called Perversion (where Marins keeps a woman’s nipple in a goldfish bowl), and a Death Wish-style thriller called Fatal Hours. 

Other highlights include previews for Awakening of the Beast (which is mostly a collection of newspaper stories about Coffin Joe), a cool trailer for The Strange World of Coffin Joe (it almost plays like a music video), and the trailer for The End of Man, which is in black and white, even if the actual movie was in color. 

After about an hour or so of trailers, we switch gears as the tape concludes with Marins’ segment from the horror anthology, Trilogy of Terror called “Macabre Nightmare” (***).  It’s a Poe-inspired tale about a man with an extreme phobia of snakes and other reptiles.  Couple that with his irrational fear of being buried alive, and well… you can probably already guess what happens to the poor dope. 

Macabre Nightmare won’t be mistaken for Marins’ best work, but it's a decent enough short-form blast of horror.  Since this is a Marins movie we’re talking about, it contains a scene where women have their negligees ripped off them by a whip-wielding dude during a voodoo ceremony.  The hallucination scenes are also well-realized.

The complete trailer rundown is as follows:  At Midnight I’ll Take Your Soul, The Strange World of Coffin Joe, Sex and Blood in the Trail of the Treasure, The Prophet of Hunger, Awakening of the Beast, The End of Man, Women of the Violent Sex, The Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures, Hellish Flesh, The Woman Who Makes Doves Fly, Perversion, Hallucinations of a Deranged Mind, The Hour of Fear, Fatal Hours, and Macabre Nightmare. 

HOLLYWOOD 90028 (1976) ***

Mark (Christopher Augustine, who kind of looks like Russ Tamblyn) picks up a girl, takes her home, and strangles her.  He earns his living as a porn cameraman, but he wants to break out and do legitimate work.  When Mark strikes up a friendship with a porn star ingenue Michele (Jeannette Dilger), he really seems to really dig her.  The question is:  Will he be able to keep his psychotic tendencies at bay long enough to have a committed relationship? 

Hollywood 90028 is oozing with sleazy ‘70s vibes.  It was the only feature by writer/director Christina Hornisher, and it’s a shame she never did anything else, because she has a real knack for setting a mood.  I dug the leisurely paced scenes of Mark taking pictures in the zoo or just plain hanging out.  These sequences never feels like filler as they’re often stylish and dripping with a retro-coolness that’s hard to replicate.  Some of the hippie-dippy dialogue falls flat though (“Do you live alone?” “Everybody lives alone.”), but that’s to be expected I guess in a time capsule such as this. 

What’s interesting (and okay I’ll say it, sometimes frustrating) about Hollywood 90028 is its reluctance (and often sheer refusal) to pigeonhole itself into a singular genre.  For starters, it doesn’t have enough of a body count to qualify as a horror movie.  It’s also much too laid back to be an effective thriller.  It’s way too aloof to really function as a character study either.  (There is plenty of skin to go around though.)  Honestly, it plays more like a hangout movie with an occasional strangulation.  If you’re looking for a programmer that conforms to genre demands, then steer clear of this one.  If, instead, you want something a little artier and off the beaten path, then this will be a rewarding experience (even if it’s not entirely successful). 

AKA:  Insanity.  AKA:  The Hollywood Hillside Strangler.  AKA:  Twisted Throats.

THE BLOODY EXORCISM OF COFFIN JOE (1974) ***

For whatever reason, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe was omitted from Arrow’s Coffin Joe Blu-Ray box set.  Fortunately, I was able to track it down.  Oh, and get this… it’s also a Christmas movie!  (There’s a great bit where a little girl sees snakes and spiders in the Christmas tree.) 

Director Jose Mojica Marins holds a press conference and proclaims, “Coffin Joe does not exist!”  He then heads to a secluded house to spend Christmas with his friends and write the script for his next picture.  It doesn’t take long before a bunch of weird shit starts happening (chairs move around by themselves, toy pianos play ominously, etc.).  It seems a witch has it out for the family and is determined to make their life a living hell.  Marins is horrified to learn that it is actually his alter ego Coffin Joe who is pulling the strings. 

For the first hour or so, the film plays more or less like your typical horror flick.  It’s only in the final act where Marins comes face to face with his on-screen character does it start feeling more like your average Coffin Joe installment.  It’s here where topless dancers perform Satanic rituals while people are chained to the wall and wail helplessly.  It’s not quite as wild and inventive as Marins’ best work and some of the gore looks really fake (fingers, tongues and ears are cartoonishly hacked off and eaten), but the close-ups of the possessed family members are quite effective.  

Despite its uneven nature, The Bloody Exorcism of Coffin Joe remains fun, if only to see Marins once again playing with the possibilities of cinema.  It’s always interesting when he blends “real” and “reel” horror, and the outcome is almost always entertaining.  I mean who wouldn’t want to see an actor square off against his most famous character? 

AKA:  The Black Exorcism of Coffin Joe.  AKA:  The Black Exorcism.

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

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SPIDER-MAN: BRAND NEW DAY (2026) *** ½

Spider-Man: No Way Home was the ultimate Spider-Man movie.  It had three Spider-Men, five villains, and offered up a Multiverse of possibilities.  The question is, what do you do for an encore?  I guess it’s admirable that Brand New Day doesn’t try to top the previous film.  When it is content on delivering a (relatively) low-stakes Spider-Man adventure, it shines.  It’s only when the picture starts bending over backwards to set up the next big Marvel tentpole that it loses its luster. 

Granted, this is a Marvel-wide problem.  Most of these things suffer from a Ponzi Scheme style of storytelling.  “If you like what you’re seeing, just wait till the NEXT movie!”  This continuous plate-spinning of ongoing narratives often shortchanges the story at hand.  Brand New Day is no exception. 

Web-slinging crime fighter Spider-Man (Tom Holland) is busy keeping his nose to the grindstone.  While battling baddies in New York City, he encounters his friends MJ (Zendaya) and Ned (Jacob Batalon), who both have forgotten he even existed.  As Spider-Man wrestles with the temptation of reintroducing himself into their lives, he must also contend with a body-hopping villain threatening the city.  There’s also the pesky matter of his spider DNA trying to take over his body.  What’s a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man to do?

The first two-thirds of Brand New Day offer fans a fun and exciting time.  Holland once again essays the role of Spider-Man with heart and warmth, and the enormous goodwill he’s generated over the years helps the film over some of its bumpy moments late in the game.  If anything, Brand New Day is the realization of what producer Kevin Feige was aiming for back when Iron Man was released in 2008; a cinematic comic book.  If you’re making a Spider-Man movie and Spider-Man needs to ask a scientist a question, why get a random actor from Central Casting when you can have Dr. Bruce Banner, AKA:  The Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)?  If a shady government agency needs a security detail, why give them a bunch of interchangeable guys in SWAT team uniforms when they can bring in The Hand?  

So, in that respect, the film is a crackling good time.  Director Destin Daniel Cretton nails every Spidey aspect of the movie (even if he cribs a bit from the Sam Raimi classics).  It’s when the script reveals a character (whom I won’t spoil) from a different franchise as the Big Bad that the feeling of cinematic hopscotch begins to set in.  It’s especially disappointing considering Spider-Man has the best rogues’ gallery in the Marvel universe.  (The fact that many of them show up early on in a brief montage only compounds that fact.)  Why bring in someone from an adjacent franchise unless you’re using them as a springboard to launch another MCU installment? 

Other than that, this is still a strong, funny and robust Spidey adventure.  In some ways it feels like a soft reboot, and if you go in with that mindset you may enjoy it more.  Brand New Day remains a good time, even if nothing about it feels exactly “Brand New”.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Spider-Man:  Brand New Day:  *** ½ 

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Fantastic Four:  First Steps:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Thunderbolts*:  ** ½ 

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

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CURSE OF THE PINK PANTIES (2007) **

You have to hand it to the filmmakers.  Curse of the Pink Panties is a helluva title for a movie.  I saw the sequel, Snatched!  Curse of the Pink Panties 2 a while back, and it was awful.  So, why did I backtrack and watch the original?  Am I that much of a glutton for punishment?  Well, let me answer that query:  It’s called Curse of the Pink Panties.  How am I NOT going to watch it? 

Women enter a contest where they film themselves wearing pink panties in an effort to win a lifetime supply of underwear.  To increase their chances of success, they hold a seance and ask the spirits for guidance.  Meanwhile, across town, a back-alley diamond sale goes awry and leaves a bunch of small-time criminals dead.  Thanks to the girls’ seance, their spirits possess the panties.  The ladies then resort to any means necessary to remove the unwanted ghosts from their undergarments. 

This is not a good movie by any means, but it’s miles better than the sequel.  The scenes of the ladies in their cast twitching and itching and wiggling and jiggling in their underwear aren’t exactly sexy, nor are they laugh out loud funny.  That’s almost a moot point when half of the movie is devoted to scenes of ladies in their underwear itching and twitching and wiggling and jiggling. 

Much of the film is repetitive, which is the real nail in its proverbial coffin.  I think the filmmakers had a very specific fetish they were exploiting here.  If you enjoy scenes of women in their underwear itching and scratching their nether regions and/or guys shouting into their bikini area, you’ll probably enjoy it.  Ultimately, it’s just one of those one-joke movies where the joke wasn’t particularly funny the first time around and they perpetually beat it into the ground for seventy-seven minutes.  Still, if you’re like me, and you’ll check out anything as long as it has a great title, you’ll probably find yourself watching Curse of the Pink Panties at some point in your life. 

AKA:  The Curse.

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PLAYBOY’S ROLLER DISCO AND PAJAMA PARTY (1979) ****

I hope I live a long, healthy, and happy life here on Planet Earth.  It is my sincere wish to continue to elude the Reaper’s grasp for as long as possible.  If, for whatever reason, I slip from this mortal coil, I hope Heaven is at least half as awesome as Playboy’s Roller Disco and Pajama Party.  

Family Feud’s Richard Dawson is our host for the show.  He basically just stands around, delivers cheeky commentary on the action, and tries to get a kiss from Dorothy Stratten.  During the roller disco portion of the program, we marvel as celebrities like James Caan schmooze with Playmates on roller skates while dancing to such disco hits as “Bad Girls”, “Ring My Bell”, and “Move on Up”.  Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner steals the headdress off the Indian from The Village People and leads a roller disco conga line with Jim Brown in tow while Robert Culp ogles Playmates as they seductively eat popsicles. 

Trust me, it’s heavenly. 

Halfway through, the party switches gears to a pajama party where The Village People perform inside the Playboy Mansion for guests (including Marjoe Gortner!) dressed in their jammies.  Then Dawson interviews several Playmates who are due to appear in the magazine (including Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke).  Next, we are treated to behind-the-scenes footage of the Playmate Centerfold shoots, along with more interviews with the Playmates.  These moments feel like a pilot for what would later become the Playboy Video Centerfolds.  However, since it aired on ABC, there’s no nudity.  Other than that, the construction of these sequences is nearly identical. 

Back at the party, while people disco to “Makin’ It”, there’s a jaw dropping bit where the puppet Madame is dressed in blackface and tries to goof around with Jim Brown, who is clearly not amused.  Finally, Dawson gets a kiss from Dorothy while Chuck Mangione plays in the background. 

Strictly speaking as a time capsule, Playboy’s Roller Disco and Pajama Party is rather incredible.  It is a perfectly presented package that showcases the allure and sheer fun of the Playboy brand.  The scenes with Stratten are a bit sad though knowing her husband would brutally murder her less than a year later.  That said, this serves as a nice reminder of a career that could’ve been. 

Tomasina and Cooke later hosted the Playmate Workout. 

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KING FRAT (1979) * ½

King Frat was one of the first college comedies to be released in the wake of the success of National Lampoon’s Animal House.  It’s also one of the worst.  It’s full of sub-sophomoric hijinks and unfunny shtick.  You also have to endure the annoying theme song which is repeated several times throughout the movie. 

The members of Pi Kappa Delta get their kicks from driving around in a hearse and mooning people, filming girls changing in the locker room, drinking beer, and farting.  In fact, the plot revolves around the frat brothers trying to get enough money so they can enter a farting contest.  (No, really.)  Meanwhile, the uptight dean tries to get the frat kicked out of school.  It all ends with a brawl with the rival preppie fraternity. 

Directed by Ken Wiederhorn, King Frat is a pathetic xerox of Animal House.  The main character Gross Out (John DiSanti) is our Bluto substitute, but he looks more like Flounder.  His only redeeming quality is that he wears a cool Howard the Duck T-shirt.  His drunken behavior never comes close to scoring a laugh, which is a bad sign since he’s basically front and center for the entire movie. 

The film consists of little more than a bunch of obnoxious vignettes (like spreading marijuana smoke into a funeral home, holding costume parties, and spying on co-eds changing) with the barest wisps of a plot.  The only remotely funny bit is when a couple gets stuck together while fucking.  There’s also just enough T & A to keep you watching, but not enough to make it worthwhile. 

Oh, and a woman wins the fart contest (spoiler), which I guess was the filmmakers’ halfhearted attempt at Women’s Lib. 

It’s pretty incredible that Wiederhorn, who did such a great job on the atmospheric Nazi zombie movie Shock Waves, would churn out such a nothing of a movie.  He later went on to direct Meatballs 2 and Return of the Living Dead 2, which look like Shakespeare compared to this shit.  Speaking of sequels, screenwriter Ron Kurz would later write Friday the 13th Part 2. 

AKA:  Campus King.  AKA:  Delta House.  AKA:  King *@#!! Frat. 

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NATIONAL LAMPOON’S DIRTY MOVIE (2011) * ½

The National Lampoon brand stopped being relevant somewhere around Christmas Vacation.  Van Wilder was probably the last good movie under the Lampoon moniker.  That hasn’t prevented producers from trying to wring more money from the empty shell that was once an admired and respected American institution. 

Dirty Movie is kind of like a throwback to the ‘70s era of sketch comedy movies like If You Don’t Stop It… You’ll Go Blind!!! and Can I Do It Till I Need Glasses? as it’s full of skits that are more or less filmed versions of dirty jokes.  (The title makes me think it was meant to cash in on those awful early 2000s parodies like Epic Movie and Disaster Movie.)  It also kinda reminded me of Playboy’s Private Party Jokes, except not nearly as good. 

The wraparound scenes of a producer (Christopher Meloni, sporting a bad wig and even worse dentures) pitching the movie to the CEO of the company (Robert Klein) is similar to Movie 43 (which came out two years later).  At least that movie had an incredible cast.  The biggest celebrities they could find to cameo in this were Cyndi Lauper and Larry Holmes.  Honestly, these scenes just feel like an attempt by the filmmakers to let themselves off the hook for the shoddy way everything has been cobbled together.  (That goes double for the scenes where the director questions Meloni if the movie will work since it doesn’t have a story.)

A movie like this is bound to be uneven given its very nature.  The only way to really rate something like this is if you laugh or not.  Well, I think I may have laughed about one and a half times.  That works out to be about One Star a joke.  There is some gratuitous nudity here and there, although not enough of it to really earn the “Dirty” in Dirty Movie.  Heck, it’s barely a “Movie”.

If you ever owned a dirty joke book in your time, you’ve probably heard many of these jokes before (or at least variations on them).  Lots of the punchlines are predictable and even more reek of desperation.  A sequel followed, which is pretty crazy seeing how there was hardly enough here to make one movie, let alone two. 

AKA:  Dirty Movie.

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SEXY TIMETRIP NINJAS (1984) ***

Hisayasu (Naked Blood) Sato was the assistant director for this nutty but fun “Pink” film.  In the 17th century, Lady Ninja Kagero tries to steal a scroll from a Ninja named Sasuke.  During their battle, an earthquake occurs and they fall into a timeslip which sends them to present day Japan.  Sasuke winds up on a commuter train where he discovers the joy of groping strange women.  Meanwhile, Kagero finds work in a brothel and quickly becomes popular among the clientele, mostly because she uses her Ninja skills in the bedroom.  Separately, they begin looking for a cache of treasure while having increasingly dirty encounters.  Eventually they agree to put their differences aside in order to find the treasure. 

Director Yojiro Takita made dozens of “Groper Train” movies.  I’m guessing this is part of the series as there are plenty of scenes of women being fondled on public transportation.  However, the addition of time traveling Ninjas gives it its own unique vibe.  The “fish out of water” scenes, while never quite laugh out loud funny, are amusing for the most part.  The scenes of groping and softcore sex aren’t exactly sexy either, but that’s perfectly acceptable since many of them are humorous and/or have a goofy tone.  Because of that, they are enormously fun to watch. 

Any movie that features a mix of time travel, Ninjas, and public groping is bound to be uneven.  Even with a relatively scant running time of sixty-six minutes, the film runs out of steam before it crosses the finish line.  (The abrupt ending is the biggest debit.)  It’s crazy to think that after decades of directing Pink movies, Takita later won an Oscar for Best Foreign Film!  However, I think some of the dialogue in this was Oscar worthy too.  (“So… this is a Ninja’s pussy?”)

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EVIL DEAD BURN (2026) *** ½

The Evil Dead franchise is kind of like that old family summerhouse.  The owners, producers Rob Tapert, Sam Raimi, and Bruce Campbell, really don’t have any use for it anymore, so they occasionally rent it out to others as a way to make passive income in their twilight years.  The previous tenant (the makers of Evil Dead Rise) really stunk the place up.  Fortunately, the new folks who are taking care of the property are much more fun to be around. 

Now I enjoyed the 2013 remake for what it was, namely an Evil Dead movie without Bruce Campbell.  Evil Dead Rise on the other hand was pretty abominable in just about every regard.  The new film, Evil Dead Burn is a nice amalgam of the new school Evil Dead aesthetic and the grueling terror that made the old films classics. 

A family is mourning the death of their son along with his battered wife Alice (Souheila Yacoub) in their decaying country home.  Pretty soon, the family members become possessed and start trying to kill each other.  It’s eventually up to Alice to send them all back to Hell. 

Director Sebastien Vanicek injects some humor into the film, which helps break up the tension.  It’s needed too as the Deadite carnage is often harrowing and gory as Hell.  In fact, this is probably the goriest major release in some time.  (Consider that Obsession had to be cut for a similar scene involving someone’s face getting smashed in, but this one looks like it came out unscathed.)  There’s some gnarly stuff here.  Fishhooks, car seat headrests, pens, weed whackers, and jackhammers are all used to ghoulish effect.  There’s even a Dog-ite in there too.  The ickiest scene might be when a Deadite takes an old woman’s upper plate out of her mouth and sticks it in hers.  We’re talking Puke City.  This film is also notable for featuring the first instance of twerking in Evil Dead movie, so that’s cinematically important. 

Yacoub is solid in the lead.  This is one of those “trauma horror” movies, so the fact that her character is fighting her dead husband is meant to be a metaphor for the lingering effects of her abusive relationship.  While it doesn’t quite land perfectly, it’s not as clunky as some of these movies.  Hunter Doohan is the MVP though as he takes a beating and then some.  I’m sure Bruce Campbell would be proud. 

Sure, Evil Dead Burn is far from perfect.  It’s way too long (nearly two hours) and the final showdown with a CGI baddie (which is reminiscent of the ending of both the Evil Dead remake and the original Terminator) is unnecessary.  (If the film ended ten minutes earlier, it possibly could’ve scored Four Stars.)  Those qualms aside, Burn shows there’s still life in the old franchise. 

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LILI’S WEDDING NIGHT (1952) * ½

Renowned burlesque stripper Lili (Varitease) St. Cyr headlines this dreary burlesque movie from director Lillian (Too Hot to Handle) Hunt.  It’s essentially a filmed burlesque act for 90% of the running time until the final fantasy sequence featuring St. Cyr.  It’s pretty rough going until then too. 

The show kicks off with chorus girls performing a few cowgirl themed numbers, including one where a dancer uses a lasso.   Next, we have a painfully unfunny skit about a guy getting his buddy’s help to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage.  Then the Countess Vera Richkova, a blonde with a thick French accent, does a song and dance number in which she produces a cigarette from her brassiere as smokes it while strutting around the stage.  That’s followed by another dance routine where the chorus line supports a singer doing a number called “Goodbye Mary”.  Then the emcee for the show comes out and does an unfortunate number in blackface.  Next there’s a song and dance routine about a couple with a big age gap. 

Things switch from black and white to full color for the next segment in which the countess encores for another dance.  The color motif continues into the final sequence, which features the headliner Lili St. Cyr in her bedroom on her wedding night.  She eventually changes out of her wedding gown and takes a bath.  This is the only sequence worth a damn and that’s not just because it’s the only one that shows the faintest glimpses of skin.  It’s because this is the only portion of the film that looks like any thought was put into it, even if the gimmick wasn’t explored to its fullest potential. 

As far as the genre goes, Lili’s Wedding Night is pretty lifeless.  The numbers are staged rather indifferently, and the point-and-shoot style is cut and dry.  The numbers and routines leave much to be desired too, and the comedy sections are even worse.  In short, this is one wedding night not worth remembering. 

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SEXCULA (1974) ***

A female Frankenstein creates a man (naturally named “Frankie”) in her mad scientist lab.  The first order of business is to suck his dick.  When she realizes he can’t get it up, she calls on her vampire cousin Count Sexcula to teach him the art of lovemaking.  When that fails, she goes out to collect “sex cells” from her various conquests to transplant into Frankie’s body. 

This is one wacky horror themed porno comedy.  If you’re hoping for a straight-up horror skin flick you may be a tad disappointed by the film’s “everything but the kitchen sink” approach.  However, the humor lands more often than not.  There’s some truly funny dialogue too (“The stories of this place would curl your pubes!”), and some of the sex scenes are surprisingly kinda hot. 

The film takes advantage of the monster motif for most of the running time.  The doctor has a sexy robot love slave who communicates telepathically, there’s a horny hunchback assistant, and a gorilla who forces himself on strippers.  Most of this is pretty amusing too.  Heck, even the sex scenes that don’t feature monster-centric action still manage to be rather entertaining.  The highlight is the porno-within-a-porno about a couple who can’t wait for their vows to be exchanged to celebrate their wedding night and begin boinking at the altar while priest is in the middle of the ceremony!  Here comes the bride indeed!

I’m not saying all the sex scenes are winners.  The lesbian lovemaking session during a claustrophobic coach ride goes on far too long and the ending suffers from too much cutting back and forth between the various couples.  The wraparound scenes of a couple exploring Frankenstein’s castle just sort of feel like filler too.  That said, there is plenty of fun to be had here.  A few wonky bits aside, I can assuredly say that Sexcula doesn’t suck. 

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THE ASTROLOGER (1976) ***

The Astrologer is an odd and uneven disasterpiece/egoploitation drama that will have you scratching your head and chuckling to yourself for much of its seventy-seven-minute running time.  It satisfies the primary function of an egoploitation film in that it is the brainchild of an actor/director who had no business in front of or behind a camera.  It also helps that the audience for said film was primarily the man who made it.  In this case it was Craig Denney. 

Denney stars as an astrologer in a carnival who is tired of eking out a living reading palms.  He goes for the big score of smuggling diamonds and uses the profits to fund his astrology organization who counts the U.S. military among its clients.  His downfall begins when he sinks his fortune into movies and tries to make his wife a star. 

While this never quite hits the heights of say a Neil Breen picture, Breen and Denney seem to be kindred spirits when it comes to unconventional storytelling techniques.  Denney has created a film in which mere edits and simple scene transitions seemingly don’t exist.  One minute, he’s hanging out drinking wine in an American graveyard and the next, he’s in a Kenyan prison.  A precious few seconds are devoted to a major character dying in quicksand while minutes are spent on a montage of Denny aboard a boat while The Moody Blues’ “Tuesday Afternoon” plays on the soundtrack (totally unauthorized no less).  Then of course, there’s the totally random ending that will leave you asking yourself, “Huh?”

There are some lulls in between the WTF moments of inspiration.  However, the film’s reckless headlong spirit is a sight to behold.  The way it hops from genre to genre (it goes from carny drama to jungle adventure to a rags to riches story at a breakneck pace) is inspired, and the slight detour into meta territory is kind of bonkers.  (At one point, Denny’s character makes a movie about himself called… what else?  The Astrologer!)  

In short, fans of oddball ego-driven independent maverick moviemaking will undoubtedly find something to enjoy here. 

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BETTY’S REVENGE (2026) *

After a slew of Winnie-the-Pooh and Mickey Mouse horror movies it was only a matter of time before low-budget filmmakers set their sights on making Betty Boop into a public domain slasher.  Too bad they do next to nothing with the concept.  In fact, you have to wonder if the filmmakers just took a pre-existing script and just slapped the character of Betty Boop in there just to cash in on her public domain status. 

Three friends go to an old mansion to investigate an urban legend.  Betty (Hannah Fierman), their strange host, gifts them a diary linked to the house’s shady past.  Before they can even finish perusing the book, they wind up locked inside the spooky mansion.  Eventually, they discover Betty has a serious axe to grind. 

Betty’s Revenge is maligned almost from the get-go thanks to the aggressively annoying performances by the three leads.  The scenes of them bickering, wandering around the mansion, and talking about the weather grinds everything to a halt even before the film has a chance to gather momentum.  This is one slow-moving movie.  It’s only seventy-four minutes long but it feels twice that length.  Plus, the ending really sucks, and the last-minute flashback feels like it was only tacked on to further bloat the running time.  

The most egregious parts are the long scenes of the Final Girl reading excerpts from Betty’s diary.  They are a chore to sit through and seemingly go on forever. It’s almost like watching a movie version of Audible. 

It also doesn’t help that the Betty character is underused.  She basically just stands in the shadows and remains silent for most of the movie.  You’d think Betty’s squeaky voice could be used to creepy effect, but the filmmakers don’t even try.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the body count is low and the gore is weak.  (There are some eyeballs that get ripped out, but that’s about it.)

There is a clip from a public domain Betty Boop cartoon, but it’s almost tossed in there as an afterthought.  In fact, the whole movie feels like it was made as an afterthought.  Actually, I don’t think the filmmakers put any thought into this mess at all. 

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DETROIT 9000 (1973) ** ½

Aubrey Hale Clayton (Rudy Challenger) is a black politician who is making a run for governor.  On the night of his big fundraiser, armed thieves storm the ballroom and steal his campaign donations.  The whole thing becomes a political powder keg when public opinion believes the crime was racially motivated.  Bassett (Alex Rocco), a white detective, is assigned to the case, but fearing a PR nightmare, the department partners him with a black cop named Williams (Hari Rhodes) to find the crooks. 

Directed by Arthur Marks, Detroit 9000 isn’t exactly a Blaxploitation flick, although it contains many of the same elements found in those pictures.  While there are various Blaxploitation staples like smooth black detectives, pimps, and prostitutes in the mix, it’s really more of your standard cop thriller set in the black community.  Rhodes even gets his own Dirty Harry-style introduction scene disarming a gunman and goading him to draw his weapon.  Honestly though, the movie needed more hardboiled action beats like this to qualify it as a Blaxploitation actioner. 

The “a dash of this and a dash of that” philosophy of the screenwriters ultimately doesn’t work as a whole.  Since it’s neither fish nor fowl, it doesn’t really satisfy the demands of either the cop or Blaxploitation genres.  There are also touches of political thriller, and stabs at social messaging that sort of get lost in the shuffle. 

Even though nothing quite gels, Detroit 9000 is nevertheless engaging for the most part, and that’s largely due to the performances.  The scenes with Rocco are the best parts.  Whether he’s dealing with his mentally unstable wife in a sanitarium, bedding hookers, or befriending his new partner, his charisma helps keep the film afloat.  So much so that when he disappears from the action in the third act, his presence is sorely missed.  Rhodes is quite good too, especially in his scenes with Vonetta (The Great Silence) McGee.  Challenger also fares well as the crooked politician, but sadly, the great Scatman Crothers is woefully underutilized as a priest. 

Marks went on to direct such Blaxploitation classics as Bucktown, Friday Foster, and J.D.’s Revenge. 

AKA:  S.O.S. Black Guns.  AKA:  Call Detroit 9000.  AKA:  Detroit Heat.  AKA:  Police Call:  9000.

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THE LONG, SWIFT SWORD OF SIEGFRIED (1972) ***

David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman wrote this English version of Adrian (Mark of the Devil Part 2) Hoven’s Swedish sexploitation swashbuckler.  The Swedes have always been known for their skin flicks and speaking in terms of spectacle, this one is hard to beat.  In fact, the lavish production values look more sophisticated than some of Hollywood’s “A” pictures from the same era. 

Siegfried (Raimund Harmstorf) is a daring knight who plans to retire and take a wife.  He has his sights set on Kriemhild, and since she’s played by a young Sybil Danning, who can blame him?  Of course, he won’t make any rash decisions until he beds down a bevy of other beauties first.  Since Kriemhild is the sister of King Gunther (Carlheinz Heitman), he won’t betroth her to Siegfried unless he helps him score with the witch Brunhild (Heidy Bohlen) with the help of his magic invisible cap.  When Brunhild realizes she’s been hoodwinked, she sets out to get revenge on Siegfried. 

Even though this is primarily a skin flick, the scale of the production remains impressive.  The special effects are quite good (like the queen’s burning “purgatory”) and the whole thing plays like a bawdy version of a ‘60s kiddie matinee movie.  (Think The Sword and the Dragon, but with boobs.)  You can see why Friedman would want to release it as it’s basically a higher budgeted and more sophisticated version of the same kind of costume softcore films he was making at the same time.  

While the film has considerable production values for this sort of thing, I still say the real reason to see it is for Sybil Danning.  Throughout the movie she is seen receiving sponge baths from her naked handmaidens, engaging in lesbian trysts, having gratuitous disrobing scenes, and of course, getting it on with Siegfried.  Even the sex scenes that do not feature Sybil are fairly steamy, and some contain a few near hardcore moments.

The anticlimactic ending is really the only issue I have with the film.  It’s almost as if they wanted to end things on a cliffhanger, but got cold feet at the last second, so they just cut to an on-screen narrator wrapping up the story for us.  Up until then, it’s pretty much a rollicking good time. 

Brunhild gets the best line when she feels Siegfried’s invisible member and exclaims, “It’s like an iron salami!”

AKA:  Maiden Quest.  AKA:  The Erotic Adventures of Siegfried.  AKA:  The Lustful Barbarian.  AKA:  The Terrible, Swift, Sword of Siegfried.  

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AMITYVILLE BACKPACK (2024) ** ½

A loser named Luther (Mike Hartsfield) buys a backpack at a garage sale in Amityville.  The first day, it kills his cat.  Then a janitor.  Then the girl he has a crush on who won’t give him the time of day.  Then his boss.  Finally, the demented backpack comes for Luther. 

The backpack itself is kind of cool.  It looks like a homemade version of a Loungefly bag.  It’s shaped like the famous house and is adorned with little plastic sleeves that are shaped like the iconic windows.  (Flames are seen inside of it when it gets angry.)  When it transforms, it even grows the house’s chimney too. 

As Luther the loser, Hartsfield looks like an amalgam of Fred Armisen and David Cross.  He delivers a tour de force performance.  Many scenes hinge on his ability to rant and rave to no one in particular (or at least to a backpack).  The surprising thing is, these moments (while they aren’t exactly laugh out loud funny) are amusing more often than not. 

Amityville Backpack proves that sometimes the dumbest ideas can be the most entertaining.  I mean I can’t quite in good conscience call this a “good” movie, but when you’re dabbling in the world of fake Amityville flicks, you take what you can get.  For example, I found myself genuinely amused when the backpack took a break from its rampage to lounge by the pool and drink a beer.  Or the part where it rides around the city on its skateboard.  Touches like this is what separates it from something like Amityville Scarecrow. 

Yes, as with the recent rash of Amityville movies, there are still too many cheap looking scenes of news anchors delivering updates on the crime spree that act as padding.  These little deterrents are to be expected as they come with the territory.  As a viewer, you have to ask yourself, “Am I the kind of person who wants to see a backpack shoot a guy point blank in the face?” 

Since I gave this ** ½, you can probably guess what kind of person I am.

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WINTERBEAST (1992) **

Winterbeast has a weirdly misleading title.  For one, there are multiple beasts, each one as improbable and silly looking as the next.  For another, it doesn’t even look like it takes place in winter.  There’s not one flake of snow to be found nor do you see anyone’s breath during the outdoor scenes. 

The plot has a forest ranger looking for some missing campers.  When he finds a dead body on a totem pole, he tries to shut the mountain down.  Naturally, the local bigwig doesn’t want to scare off the tourists, so he tries to keep a lid on it.  Eventually, the ranger and his buddies try to put a stop to the goofy looking monsters who are stomping around the woods. 

The film is really uneven and choppy.  One minute the ranger and his pal witness somebody’s face exploding (it looks like some third graders tried to recreate the face melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark) and the next, they’re back at their post like nothing happened.  The film stock also changes numerous times, which makes me think this was piecemealed together over several years. 

The Jaws-inspired subplot with the monsters ruining the tourist trade really bogs things down.  However, the film has enough odd moments sprinkled about to keep you watching.  The scene where the ranger stumbles upon a character wearing a clown mask and dancing around some corpses is surprisingly effective. 

The monsters are easily the most amusing thing about the movie though.  One looks like an alien made of bubblegum, another resembles Groot on steroids, and there’s a giant chicken that looks like a close cousin to the bird monster in The Giant Claw.  The final demon is just a guy wearing not-bad devil appliances, but he’s the least memorable creature in the cast.  The effects seen in the opening dream sequence are pretty cool too. 

Ultimately, this is a hodgepodge.  If you enjoyed something like Equinox, you might not mind sitting through this just to see the silly-looking stop-motion monsters.   Those fun special effects aside, Winterbeast is bound to leave you cold. 

You can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back! HERE: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12 

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