ARCADIAN (2024) **

Nicolas Cage stars in this ho-hum mash-up of A Quiet Place and I am Legend.  Cage plays Paul, who along with his sons Joseph (Jaeden Martell, who played the young James McAvoy in It) and Thomas (Maxwell Jenkins, who played the young Alan Ritchson on Reacher) spend their nights hiding in their home from monsters and their days making repairs to fortify their compound.  When Thomas neglects his duties to go to a nearby farm to flirt with a girl, he winds up stuck in the woods after curfew.  It’s then up to Paul to rescue him from the nocturnal beasties. 

Directed by Benjamin Brewer (who previously worked with Cage on The Trust), Arcadian works in fits and starts.  It’s more intriguing when it is contrasting the lifestyle of Cage and his sons with the ritzier farm community just over the hill.  It’s less effective when it leans into its horror sequences as they essentially play like Night of the Living Dead with lame CGI monsters. 

These creatures are probably the weakest aspect of the film.  In fact, the movie works just fine when they are kept hidden in the shadows.  Once we finally get a look at them, all bets are off as they are cheesy looking as all get out and poorly rendered to boot.  (They look like a cross between an emaciated monkey and a duckbill platypus.)  They especially look goofy when they mass and form into a giant ball that rolls around.  (I guess you can add Critters 2 to the ever-growing list of movies this flick rips off.)  Their lackluster appearance is especially disappointing given Brewer’s background in special effects. 

Arcadian also suffers from a noticeable lack of Cage in the second half of the film.  I don’t want to spoil anything, but I have to wonder if Nic had the same agent that Eric Stoltz did when he starred in Anaconda.  While the movie is far from bad, it certainly loses much of its appeal once Nic is out of commission.  (He only has one single line of dialogue in the second half.  Scratch that.  One single WORD of dialogue.)  Martell and Jenkins do what they can.  It’s just that the two of them are not an equitable trade-off for one Cage. 

ALADDIN (1990) *

Two years before Disney made the animated classic Aladdin, they produced this cheap ass live-action version for The Disney Channel directed by none other than former Monkee, Micky Dolenz!  Normally, I would never have bothered to watch something like this, but since it was made fun of by the guys at Rifftrax, it had to be seen to be believed.  As usual, Mike, Kevin, and Bill have snuffed out a real doozy of a bad movie. 

Aladdin (Brent Sudduth) is a poor boy living in China who, by chance, happens to meet the emperor’s daughter, Mei Ling (Susan Egan).  Naturally, it’s love at first sight, but the emperor will only allow her to marry the richest man in China.  Opportunity presents itself when a slimy magician (Richard Kiley) manipulates Aladdin into stealing a magic lamp.  When he rubs it, a genie (Barry Bostwick) comes out and grants him wishes, and of course, he wishes for riches so he can get Mei Ling’s hand in marriage.  The villain then schemes to get the lamp back and ruin Aladdin’s wedding. 

This is a real jaw dropper.  I have seen plenty of bad kids’ movies before (Super Buddies, anyone?), but this is truly… something.  First of all, it’s Aladdin, but it takes place in… China?!?  It’s like they built all the sets for a Mulan movie and then decided at the last minute to make it an Aladdin flick instead.  The results are perplexing to say the least.  Also, all the Chinese and (a handful of) Arabian characters are played by Caucasians.  This isn’t so much politically incorrect as it is baffling. 

The movie really belongs to Barry Bostwick.  Watching him mince around in a turban singing dinner theater level songs for an hour will test the most ardent fan of bad movies.  Even weirder is the fact that he shows up late in the picture playing the genie’s twin brother as sort of a cross between a gangster and a used car salesman. 

That’s not to mention the awful early ‘90s computer effects.  Or the horrible songs.  It’s tempting to blame Dolenz for a lot of this, but I don’t know if Spielberg himself could’ve saved this mess.  It’s all enough to make you want to grab a magic lamp and wish you never saw it. 

BARBIE AND KENDRA CRASH JOE BOB’S DRIVE-IN JAMBOREE (2024) ** ½

Cody Renee Cameron and Robin Sydney return for their fourth Barbie and Kendra movie for Charles Band’s Full Moon Features.  This time out, Barbie (Cameron) and Kendra (Sydney) grow restless with their nonexistent love life and wonder if the perfect man even exists.  When they see Joe Bob Briggs on TV, they know what they have to do:  Hop on their motorcycle, drive to Vegas, and meet him at his third annual Drive-In Jamboree. 

Joe Bob has appeared in cameos in various movies and TV shows as himself, but he probably deserves his own movie by now.  (Hogzilla notwithstanding.)  Although he’s usually a blast to watch, I have to say poor Joe Bob looks slightly bewildered by all this.  I know he officiated Band’s marriage to Sydney during an episode of The Last Drive-In, which makes me wonder if having him starring in this movie was part of the prenup.  Darcy the Mail Girl (Diana Prince, who also appeared in Band’s famous T & A 2) seems to be having fun though. 

The movie is at its best when it’s taking humorous jabs at the horror convention crowd.   Sleepaway Camp’s Felissa Rose is funny as the bitchy developer who wants to tear down the drive-in and put up a golf course who is disgusted by the “sea of black t-shirts”.  Scary Movie’s Dave Sheridan also pops up playing himself signing autographs. 

Acting as filler is a mash-up of Ruby and Turkish Exorcist that’s been given a new What’s Up Tiger Lily-style comedic soundtrack.  This stretch of the film is the weakest as the jokes are lame and obvious.  Everything from Me Too to Jeffrey Epstein is namedropped, but it doesn’t exactly translate into laughs.  I did like the part when Stuart Whitman drives a car through the drive-in screen playing the Exorcist rip-off and said, “The power of Chrysler compels you!”

Thankfully, at fifty minutes, it all runs rather smoothly.  In fact, this is easily the best of the Barbie and Kendra movies.  That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement to be sure, but it’s probably worth watching once if you’re a fan of Joe Bob and/or The Last Drive-In. 

SANCTUARY (2023) *** ½

Hal (Christopher Abbott) is a rich dude who regularly sees a sexy dominatrix named Rebecca (Margaret Qualley) to help get his rocks off.  When he learns he’s going to take over his father’s company, he tries to break off their arrangement.  Not one to be brushed aside, Rebecca comes back at him with both barrels.  Thus begins a cat and mouse battle of wits, submission, and dominance. 

Qualley is smoking hot in this.  My favorite scene comes when she makes Abbott get down on his hands and knees and clean the bathroom floor.  While she remains fully clothed at all times, the stimulation she creates is more mental than physical, and seeing her assert herself over the weak-willed Abbott is a lot of fun.  This is easily one of her best performances.  While I haven’t been impressed by Abbott in the past (he made for a wimpy Wolf Man), his blank expression and nominal screen presence really helps to sell his sad sack submissive character. 

Sanctuary is a chamber piece with two characters in one location.  When you have Qualley playing a dominatrix that’s all you really need.  What’s interesting is how the power dynamic shifts throughout the movie.  The first act is essentially their (no contact) sex game.  Afterwards, Abbott tries to buy her off with a fancy watch and tells her not to contact him again.  Knowing her worth, Qualley begins to negotiate a sum that reflects her true value.  It’s like the dude is okay with being submissive in the bedroom, but when it comes to the real world, he tries to alpha her using his wealth and position and she isn’t having any of it.  Ultimately, it’s a metaphor for equal gender pay. 

However, the third act is when things really sizzle as it’s here where the film begins to dig deeper and finds what’s really at the center of Abbott’s troubles.  Most S & M dramas are content to deal with the superficial allure of the lifestyle and be done with it.  Because Sanctuary has the heart to explore the characters’ psychological underpinnings, it makes it much more complex and compelling.  

OCEAN’S EIGHT (2018) *** ½

It seems like Sandra Bullock doesn’t make as many movies as she used to, but it’s nice to know that when they do come around, the films actually take advantage of her talents.  In Ocean’s Eight she gets to play a hot, tough, fast-talking grifter, the sister of George Clooney’s character from Ocean’s Eleven.   Fresh out of prison, she gets seven women with various different skills together to pull off a heist at the ritzy Met Gala.  Helping Bullock is her right-hand woman (Cate Blanchett), a down on her luck fashion designer (Helena Bonham Carter), a ditzy movie star (Anne Hathaway), a forger (Mindy Kaling), a hacker (Rhianna), a pickpocket (Awkwafina), and a fence (Sarah Paulson). 

Director Gary Ross keeps things zipping along at a crackling pace.  He also imbues the film with its own sense of style while very much feeling like an honest to goodness continuation of the franchise, and not just… you know… the same shit, but with women.  The heist is exciting and entertaining too and contains at least more than one genuine surprise. 

The movie gets a lot of mileage from the chemistry between the stars too.  (Bullock’s scenes with Blanchett are particularly fun.)  Even though it’s primarily a Bullock vehicle, the other actresses all have their moments to shine, and it’s fun just seeing them bouncing off one another.  The Met Gala finale also serves as a good opportunity to shoehorn a lot of cameos in there as well. 

Speaking of cameos, there are at least two notable cameos by previous members of the Ocean’s Eleven franchise, although they don’t manage to stick around for very long.  Apparently, other members of the series were supposed to show up too, but their scenes were cut.  Not that the movie really needed them anyway.  It does just fine on its own merits. 

Ocean’s Eleven’s director Steven Soderbergh also served as a producer and surprisingly enough, was the second unit director for Ross’s The Hunger Games. 

BODY COUNT (1998) **

An art heist goes wrong, leaving a member of the crew dead.  Since none of the thieves trust each other, they all take a long road trip to Florida to fence the stolen loot.  If they don’t wind up killing each other first, that is. 

Body Count is another one of those post-Tarantino crime movies filled with flashbacks and scenes of tough guys talking tough and pushing each other around.  These kinds of flicks can be worthwhile if the cast is great, and the writing is sharp.  Well, the cast is great at least. 

The problem is the characters they play are walking cliches.  David Caruso is the no nonsense wheelman who gets angry whenever someone is being less than professional.  Ving Rhames is the cool-as-a-cucumber leader.  John Leguizamo is the hotheaded loudmouth street hood whose itchy trigger finger gets them in a jam.  Donnie Wahlberg plays the stoner who just wants everyone to get along.  Forest Whitaker is the man who set up the heist.  All these guys do fine work with what they were given, it’s just that they weren’t given very much to work with.  

It was nice to see Jade stars Caruso and Linda Fiorentino reunited, albeit briefly.  Despite her prominent billing and placement on the video box, Fiorentino doesn’t show up until the picture is halfway over.  Sadly, she doesn’t generate any sparks with Caruso, or with anyone else in the cast for that matter. 

It also doesn’t help that the narrative is repetitive.  The thieves travel by car to a bus depot and/or train station.  They wind up getting into an altercation with one another, causing them to miss their ride.  They then hop back into the car and drive to the next station.  Rinse and repeat. 

These Tarantino wannabes also suffer from some cringe-inducing dialogue.  This one is no different as the thieves mostly talk about “pussy” in their downtime.  The editing towards the end gets a little janky too, and the quick voiceover that wraps things up suggests either last minute reshoots and/or rewrites.  Because of that, Body Count doesn’t add up to much. 

BLUE VELVET (1986) ****

After Eraserhead, The Elephant Man, and Dune, we knew David Lynch could bring on the weirdness like few others in the business.  It wasn’t until Blue Velvet that we learned he was also one kinky son of a gun.  With this film, he peeled back the veneer of smalltown Americana and apple pie and discovered it was rotten to the core.  Sure, this isn’t exactly a shocking revelation, but it’s the distinctly Lynchian way he pulls it off that makes it a classic. 

Small town boy Jeffrey (Kyle MacLachlan) returns home and discovers a severed ear in a field.  Before you can say Vincent Van Gogh, he’s playing junior detective with the pretty Sandy (Laura Dern) who also happens to be the daughter of the local police lieutenant (George Dickerson).  Jeffrey eventually uncovers a sinister plot involving a battered night club singer named Dorothy (Isabella Rossellini) who is held in sadomasochistic torment by the maniacal Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper in a performance for the ages).  Jeffrey tries to play the white knight but soon gets sucked into Frank’s bizarro world of crime, malice, and suffering. 

Lynch deals with such adult themes as voyeurism and sadomasochism with a childlike innocence, which is what gives the movie its power.  The way he contrasts the smalltown exterior with its seedy underbelly (a theme he’d later expand upon with Twin Peaks) is sometimes shocking, as is the way he dekes and dives into various subgenres.  It goes from a Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew mystery to neo-noir to straight-up Playboy Channel on a dime.  Lynch keeps you in the palm of his hand for every twist and turn along the way. 

The performances are all great.  MacLachlan and Dern have a lot of chemistry together and his scenes with Rossellini are rife with tension too.  Hopper (the same year as Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2!) is a real force of nature in this as his foul-mouthed soliloquies are equal parts frightening and hilarious.  (“Heineken? Fuck that shit!  Pabst Blue Ribbon!”)  It’s Dean Stockwell who threatens to steal the movie as Frank’s buddy Ben, who in the film’s dreamiest scene, lip synchs to Roy Orbison’s “In Dreams”.