HEART EYES (2025) ***

For the past couple of years, the “Heart Eyes” killer has been stalking couples on Valentine’s Day.  Olivia Holt has a Meet-Cute with Mason Gooding at the coffee shop, and wouldn’t you know it?  He turns out to be her new co-worker!  They decide to go out to dinner to talk over their new advertising campaign and are attacked by the Heart Eyes killer, who mistakes them for a couple.  They then have to survive the night while getting to know one another along the way.

Directed by Josh (Werewolves Within) Ruben, Heart Eyes gets a big boost, courtesy of its likable cast.  Holt and Gooding have a lot of chemistry together and are especially good while being indignant that the killer is coming after them since they aren’t even romantically attached.  Devon Sawa and Jordana Brewster are also amusing as the wisecracking cops on the case. 

Ruben kicks things off with a fun stalk and slash scene at a winery.  Along the way, he also gives us an entertaining chase on a merry go round where the killer chops off carousel horses’ heads left and right.  There’s also a fun scene where the killer wreaks havoc at a drive-in. 

It also helps that the film has a biting sense of humor as well as a few hearty laughs.  The gore is pretty strong too.  We get a machete in the eye, an arrow to the head, a knife to the skull, head squishing, impalement, a machete to the groin, a double mouth stabbing, and a pretty grisly beheading. 

The killer himself is a rather cool creation.  He kind of looks like David Cronenberg from Nightbreed… except… you know… with heart eyes.  Those eyes also have the ability to glow red so the killer can hunt his prey in the dark with built-in infrared goggles. 

Like many of these things, it goes on about fifteen minutes too long and has one too many false endings.  That’s not nearly enough to take away from the fun.  Heart Eyes is unique in that it balances rom-com cliches with gory slasher tropes in clever and funny ways.  Because of that, it’s hard not to love it. 

THE EXORCISM (2024) ***

The “meta” approach can go wrong in so many ways, especially in the horror genre.  Sometimes it can be overly cutesy and clever, which ruins the scares.  Other times, it can just be an unnecessary gimmick that gets in the way of the suspense.  Fortunately for The Exorcism, it enhances the overall experience. 

The Exorcism was written and directed by Joshua John Miller, the son of Jason Miller, who famously played Father Karras in The Exorcist.  It stars Russell Crowe as an actor named Anthony Miller who is starring in a remake of The Exorcist (which is coyly called “The Georgetown Project).  Miller is fresh out of rehab and needs a hit.  After filming commences, he soon starts exhibiting odd behavior which leads everyone, including his daughter (Ryan Simpkins) to suspect he’s fallen off the wagon.  The truth is, he’s actually been possessed by a demon. 

There are various levels of the meta storytelling here.  Yes, this kind of “reel” vs. “real” thing isn’t exactly new.  Yes, we know Crowe will be battling not only personal demons, but real ones as well.  Your tolerance for this sort of thing will depend on your mileage.  Film scholars will undoubtedly be looking for nuggets of truth here about the making of the real Exorcist, especially since Miller is so close to the material.  However, he wisely keeps the nods to the original to a minimum and keeps the focus on the drama with Crowe.  He also delivers a couple of finely tuned jump scares and gives the film plenty of atmosphere.  The exorcism finale has a surprising amount of kick to it too. 

The fact that Crowe just starred in The Pope’s Exorcist the year before sort of adds to the meta nature, even though this was filmed before.  He is very good in both his "down and out" actor mode as well as in his possessed form.  Adam Goldberg is amusing doing a watered down Friedkin and Sam Worthington turns up for a bit as Crowe’s younger co-star.  It’s David Hyde Pierce who steals the show as a world-weary priest serving as a technical advisor on the movie who must step up and perform the titular rite.  It was also cool seeing Miller’s Near Dark co-star Adrian Pasdar popping up as well. 

AKA:  The Georgetown Project.

ULTRAMAN: RISING (2024) ****

Ken Sato is a beloved baseball player gearing up for opening day with a new team.  Little does anyone know his alter ego Ultraman protects the city from giant monsters.  Ken finds a monster egg that hatches and the cute baby monster imprints on him.  Ken soon finds it difficult to play baseball, fight monsters, and raise an infant lizard creature.  Trouble brews when the KDF, the agency created to destroy monsters, comes looking for the baby.  It’s then up to Ken to protect his new family unit. 

I didn’t care for any of the Godzilla animated movies from Netflix, so I was wary about this newfangled CGI cartoon reboot of the iconic Ultraman TV show.  It took about a minute for the chip to fall off my shoulder as it immediately endears itself to the audience with tons of humor and unexpected heart.  The big reason is that the monster baby is just damned adorable that only the hardest of hearts could deny it. 

Besides, how many movies do you know of contain a montage of its hero going back and forth from playing baseball to battling as a superhero to parenting a monster baby while The Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant” plays on the soundtrack?  I mean we have baseball, kaiju, and punk rock all together in one place.  How can you not love it?

Another factor that makes the film much more than a kids cartoon is that the villain is multifaceted and three-dimensional.  He has his own reasons for wanting to wipe monsters off the face of the Earth.  Because of that, you can totally empathize with him, even if you don’t agree with his methods. 

Okay, I know I’ve used words like “unexpected heart” and “multifaceted and three-dimensional” to describe this so far.  I know what you’re thinking.  How are the monster battles?  While I do miss the rubber suit monster mashing of the show, the CGI monster fights still kick a lot of ass.  The finale where the Ultramen and monsters team up to battle a giant lightsaber wielding Transformer is a real winner. 

All in all, Ultraman:  Rising is one of the best animated films I’ve seen in a long time.  Not only that, but it’s also one of the best incarnations of the character.  It also happens to be one of the best movies of the year. 

WRONG TURN (2021) * ½

A group of hipster hikers get lost in the wilds of Appalachia.  They run afoul of some hunters in the woods wearing animal pelts and skull masks who trap them and take them back to their secret community where they’ve been hiding out for hundreds of years.  Matthew Modine is the concerned father of one of the hikers who goes looking for them. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking after you just read that:  What the fuck does this have to do with Wrong Turn?  Who the fuck are these culturally appropriating bozos in animal skins?  Where are all the inbred redneck cannibals?  I mean, this was even written by Alan B. McElroy, the same screenwriter who wrote the original Wrong Turn.  Did he forget what movie he was remaking? 

I guess the filmmakers were more concerned with “unmaking” Wrong Turn instead of remaking it.  However, if you take everything (aside from the wilderness setting) that made Wrong Turn Wrong Turn, you aren’t left with a whole lot.  In fact, the hikers don’t even make a wrong turn!  They just veer off the designated path (of course, everyone in town told them not to) thinking their shit don’t stink. 

The thing that most likely happened was that McElroy found an old script lying around and tried to sell it.  When nobody bought the thing, he slapped Wrong Turn on it, called it a remake, and Hollywood purchased the sucker sight unseen.  Either way, it’s easily the worst thing with the Wrong Turn name attached to it.  (There is a brief mention of “inbred cannibals” near the end, but it’s more of an “F U” to fans of the series.)

The cast is mostly weak.  The only bright spot is Modine who lends a sense of gravitas to the scenes where he’s searching for his daughter.  Too bad just about all the young cast members are grating. 

The gore is rather skimpy as most of the kills come courtesy of people’s brains being bashed in.  We also get a broken pinkie, impalement, a knife to the face, and some bloody booby traps.  The only part that has any sort of memorable kick to it is the scene where the heroine offers herself up as breeding stock to the community to save her own skin.  To add insult to injury, it clocks in at an unmerciful one-hundred-and-ten minutes.  Even at ninety minutes, it would’ve been rough going, but at one hundred and ten, it’s absolutely brutal.  (The fake-out ending is especially egregious.)

In short, there’s very little right about this Wrong Turn. 

AKA:  The Foundation.  AKA:  Wrong Turn:  The Foundation.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE WAR OF THE ROHIRRIM (2024) **

I’m a casual Lord of the Rings fan.  I read the books in middle school.  I dug the Peter Jackson movies.  I like the Hobbit trilogy more than most.  I haven’t seen a lick of the new TV show though.  One thing I could never stand was the old animated flick.  My dad sometimes would rent it for me back in the day (I think to prevent me from renting anything other than Tron), but I never really took to it.  Now, here we are with a Jackson produced animated Rings spin-off that takes place generations before The Hobbit.  I’m not sure why this exists or who asked for it (it was a huge flop), although I suspect that only the most die-hard Rings fans will enjoy it. 

Freca (the voice of Shaun Dooley) seeks an audience with King Helm (Brian Cox) because he wants his son Wulf (Luca Pasqualino) to marry the King’s headstrong daughter Hera (Gaia Wise).  The King will not hear of it, and so Freca challenges him to a fight.  When the King accidentally kills Freca during the brawl, Wulf vows revenge and spends months assembling an army.  His daring attack overcomes Helm’s soldiers, forcing his people to retreat to a stronghold.  After Helm’s demise, it then falls to Hera to end the war once and for all. 

I’m not much of an anime guy, but I have to admit the animation is very good.  Many of the backgrounds look photorealistic, while the humans all look like your traditional anime wizards and warriors deal.  That said, the animation alone isn’t enough to overcome the weak plotting.  The narrative is slight and the “girls can be warriors too, ya know” theme is obvious and thin.  The battle scenes are ho-hum too.  I did like the scene where an elephant was eaten by a swamp octopus though. 

It’s easy to see why this was not a hit.  While there are a couple of breadcrumbs that will eventually lead into Jackson’s movies (and at least one surprise cameo), for the most part, it’s a standalone adventure.  The problem is that none of the new characters are remotely as memorable or as endearing as the ones found in the live-action films.  The Lord of the Rings:  The War of the Rohirrim probably would’ve been a fine DTV deal like those animated DC movies.  It played okay enough at home I guess, but it might’ve been hard to justify paying $15 to see it on the big screen. 

THE POPE’S EXORCIST (2023) ***

Russell Crowe stars as an espresso-sipping, scooter-riding exorcist who answers only to the Pope (Franco fucking Nero!) himself.  An American widow (Alex Essoe) moves to Spain with her children to renovate an old church.  Before long, her son becomes possessed and it’s up to Crowe to save his soul.  However, during the exorcism, he uncovers a centuries long cover-up by the Vatican, which explains why the demon isn’t so easy to banish. 

Directed by Julius (Samaritan) Avery, The Pope’s Exorcist is a surprisingly fun and entertaining ride filled with lots of laughs and some rather wild moments.  It kicks off with a solid exorcism sequence where Crowe transfers the soul of a demon into a pig, and it doesn’t look back.  It hits all the hallmarks of the exorcism subgenre and gives you everything you’d want to see from this sort of thing, including a couple of new twists.  The possession scenes feature all the old standbys such as neck twisting, writing appearing as cuts on the possessed boy’s body, and spider-walking.  New additions include the kid puking up a bird and a great moment when the kid flips out on his mom for not breastfeeding him!  Also, in this one the demon voice sounds less like Mercedes McCambridge and more like the Master Control Program from Tron. 

Honestly, The Pope’s Exorcist probably could’ve gone either way, but Russell Crowe keeps the film on track with his amusing performance.  While he stops short of hamming it up, he certainly looks as if he’s relishing the opportunity of taking the reins of a down and dirty B-flick.  He adds dollops of humorous touches to character, which endear him to the audience.  However, when it comes time to confront the demon, he’s all business. 

It maybe runs a tad too long and the conspiratorial aspects of the plot kind of drag things down.  Fortunately, none of that gets in the way of the Friedkin-inspired hokum.  Let’s face it, any movie that has Russell Crowe as a priest on a scooter and Franco Nero as the Pope is more or less must-see entertainment in my book. 

TOMB RAIDER (2018) ** ½

Alicia Vikander stars as Lara Croft in this mildly entertaining reboot of the video game franchise.  Her dead father (Dominic West) leaves behind a puzzle box, which sends her on a wild goose chase to find a hidden island in the Pacific.  There, she finds an ancient tomb that’s hiding a secret that could bring about the end of the world. 

You know, the first action scene where Lara participates in a “fox hunt” bicycle chase didn’t exactly inspire confidence.  Fortunately, once she arrives on the island, the action improves greatly.  Director Roar Uthaug (now that’s a name for ya!) delivers a memorable sequence where Lara narrowly escapes going over a waterfall by hoisting herself aboard the rusty wreckage of a plane that immediately begins to crumble.  While much of the film is pedestrian, this exciting scene is worthy of an Indiana Jones movie.  The finale in the tomb feels like something out of an Indiana Jones flick as well, albeit in a more derivative manner.  (The scenes with Lara and her dad are reminiscent of The Last Crusade too.) 

Not only does the film get better once the action ramps up, it also gets a much needed shot in the arm when Walton Goggins finally appears as the villain.  He’s sort of the Belloq to Croft’s Indiana Jones.  His slimy character is far from his best work, but at least he gives Vikander a menacing figure to play off of. 

Speaking of which, Vikander is OK as Croft.  Since this is an origin story, she spends about half the movie being demure and homely.  Eventually, she becomes the globe-hopping adventurer we all recognize.  It just takes a while before the transformation is complete.  (She doesn’t even get her trademark guns until the final scene.) 

That said, she still can’t hold a candle to Angelina Jolie.  I mean Jolie’s Tomb Raider movies sucked, but at least she was smoking hot.  At any rate, say what you will about this Tomb Raider, at least it’s better than the Jolie films.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but hey, it’s something.