WHAT’S LOVE (1987) *

In the ‘70s, porn star Bill Cable started work on a movie called What is Love?, but never got around to finishing it.  A decade later, porn director Carlos Tobalina decided to finally complete the sucker.  It’s not good, but on the plus side, some of the hottest porn starlets of all time like Sharon Kelly and Ginger Lynn show up. The downside is that the sex scenes are all softcore and they are far from their best work. 

A cop (Cable) pulls the Devil (Troy Walker) over for smoking grass.  He gets back at him by making his motorcycle disappear and causes him to have visions of becoming a crucified, pot-smoking Jesus.  After the cop dies, his brother (Tom Byron) becomes a priest.  Meanwhile, his cousin (Ginger Lynn) makes him break his vows by seducing him and together, they enter into a suicide pact.  She leaves all her money to her best friend (Colleen Brennan), who tries to make it with a cop who may be the reincarnation of the cop from the beginning of the movie (also Cable). 

Confused?  Don’t worry.  The jumps in plotlines and switches in characters (not to mention film stocks from the two separate productions) are often jarring and downright perplexing.  Then again, what do you expect from a cobbled together decades in the making non-porno movie from porno filmmakers?  The nightclub act where the music and the performer’s lips never come close to matching is good for a laugh though. 

Considering everybody’s porn background, I’m not sure why they just didn’t make this a XXX picture.  Not that hardcore action could’ve saved this mess, but it couldn’t have hurt.  It doesn’t help that whenever the filmmakers try to get artsy, they wind up falling flat on their face.  Consider the scene where Cable is dressed as Jesus and banging women.  It’s far from titillating and the artistic aspirations are dubious at best. 

Contrast that with the artsy handling of Barbara, which also appears on The Lost Picture Show box set.  That film was experimental and even though it was uneven, when it hit, it worked.  This is just a self-important mess that really has no idea of the message it’s trying to convey. 

I mean, I’ll watch anything that has Ginger in it, but damn… this was bad.  At least Tobalina is smart enough to know if he has to have a dialogue scene between Ginger and Colleen Brennan, you might as well have them both be topless.  I will say the Ginger scenes are… like… 100% more tolerable than the shit with Cable and the Devil.  However, if you really want to see Ginger and Byron going at it, there are dozens of hardcore movies you could watch instead of the simulated scenes in this piece of crap. 

BARBARA (1970) ** ½

After making love on the beach, Leslie (Nancy Boyle) and Tom (Robert McClane) are sexually assaulted by a peeping tom named Max (Jack Rader).  They kind of like it though, and he asks them to come see him at his place up the beach, which turns out to be a tent.  When Leslie finally works up the courage to go there, she finds he’s already balling a jailbait babe named Barbara (presumably played by herself).  Leslie doesn’t seem to care though as she immediately strips down and bangs Barbara too.  Together, the lovers soon turn into a foursome, but boredom eventually dictates they look “outside their circle” for new sexual experiences. 

Gratuitously avant garde, relentlessly artsy-fartsy, and incoherently experimental, Barbara is… well… something.  It’s an alternately frustrating and fascinating film.  It’s uneven as fuck, but it’s pretty interesting and definitely memorable.

Some moments are very of the time.  Some are ahead of its time.  Some moments made me just say, “Time out!”  There are scenes that are purposefully in your face, almost as if to shatter your expectations and/or chastise you for wanting to watch a dirty movie.  I’m thinking specifically of the gay rape scene.  This probably had the raincoat crowd bolting for the exits back in the day, even with the silly subtitles that accompany the dialogue. 

The black and white cinematography is decent, even if they sometimes go overboard with the filters.  The music runs the gamut of monks chanting to the typical hippie flower power folk rock you’d normally hear in something like this to weird tones played in reverse.  The editing is sometimes unnecessarily arty, but it’s occasionally effective. 

Barbara is a mixed bag to be sure, but its depiction of hippie life is probably closer to what the actual hippie experience was versus the idyllic shit you’re used to seeing in movies and TV.  I mean, most hippies really didn’t go to Woodstock and live in communes.  They were probably more like these characters:  Living in a tent, getting high, and fucking. 

All of this is fine in small doses.  However, how much of it you are willing to take probably will depend on the individual viewer.  It’s one thing to show characters broaching taboo (for the time) subjects as homosexuality, interracial sex, and incest, but once they start bringing in shit like breastfeeding and bestiality, I personally had to pump the brakes.  

I can’t say it works.  I can’t say it’s good.  I can say I admire the brazen spirit of the film, even if I can’t follow it down some of the trails it blazes. 

One thing I can say in its favor:  You never know where it’s going next.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all, out comes a random ass Kung Fu training montage.  It’s not “good” in a traditional sense, but to give it anything less than ** ½ would be a crime. 

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! (1978) **

Tom (Michael Watkins) is a photographer who has just lost his driver’s license.  He and his wife Jacqui (Lisa Taylor) are looking for an au pair.  They eventually settle on a studly American guy (Steve Amber) who winds up hopping into bed with just about every pretty woman he meets. 

This was the third and final David Hamilton-Grant skin flick that was featured on a bonus disc of the Nightmare 4K UHD release.  Although it was made after The Office Party and Under the Bed! it feels less polished than those other ventures.  The jokes are lame, and the acting is mostly a bust.  (Amber’s American accent is often painful to listen to.)

I was also a little disappointed and confused by the plot.  (Not that the plot is important in these kinds of things but still.)  When I heard the couple was going to hire an au pair, I thought that meant they were getting a sexy babysitter or something.  As it turns out the “au pair” isn’t a nanny, but more of a chauffeur.  To make matters worse it winds up being a dude.  Heck, the couple doesn’t even have any kids to take care of!  Then again, if he wasn’t a chauffeur then I guess the pun in the title wouldn’t work. 

Although it’s easily the weakest of the lot of Hamilton-Grant films in the set, You’re Driving Me Crazy! certainly delivers in the skin department.  Some of the nudity comes courtesy of our main character’s photo shoots with topless models.  (It also helps that they all want to ball Amber too.)  Taylor, who was so memorable in Under the Bed! is a bit muted here, unfortunately.  Still, she looks great au natural.  Suzy Mandel is also fun as a one of Watkins’ models, a British bimbo with a Betty Boop voice.  Pat Astley gets a great skinny-dipping sequence too where she… takes a bath in her swimming pool?!?  Between that and the whole au pair/chauffeur thing, the script feels like it was spat out by AI.  Shit like this won’t drive you crazy, but it may make you scratch your head.

UNDER THE BED! (1977) ** ½

Here’s another softcore sex flick from writer-director David Hamilton-Grant.  It’s basically a sequel to The Office Party.  Remember Sally (Theresa Wood), the gal who was getting married in that movie?  Well, this is her wedding party, except some of the characters and actors have changed.  In fact, an alternate title for the film was “The Wedding Party”, which would’ve helped to keep the party aesthetic going.  (The theme song is even called “The Wedding Party”.)  It’s not a classic of eroticism or anything, but you know you’re going to be in for a good time as soon as the opening credits roll and you see the title card, “And Jayne Lester as The Reluctant Virgin”. 

Under the Bed! follows the same basic framework as its predecessor.  We see characters attending a party, making innuendo, and eventually, various couples sneak off and go have sex.  Heck, before we even get to the party, we get a fun scene where a sexy French maid seduces the milkman.  As in the first film, the plot essentially revolves around Wood being pestered by a horny ex until she finally gives in and balls him. 

While the setting is ideal for something like this (it’s much more open than the claustrophobic office setting of the first movie), the humor isn’t quite as sharp.  The double entendres and repartee are good for a smirk or two, but there aren’t any actual laughs to be had this time around.  Another quibble is that some of the new characters aren’t that much fun (like the mom who is always crying).  Well, except for the Reluctant Virgin, of course. 

While it may fall short of The Office Party, Under the Bed! is still a decent slice of British sex farce hokum.  The ladies in the cast are game, which makes a big difference.  Wood is once again appealing and sheds her wardrobe just as easily as she did in the first movie.  Lisa Taylor is also quite fetching as a catering cutie with a thick Italian accent who gets banged on a boat.  And who could forget the Reluctant Virgin?  Especially during the scene where she predictably loses her stutter once she finally gets taken to pound town. 

AKA:  The Wedding Party.

THE OFFICE PARTY (1976) ***

Remember See You Next Wednesday?  You know, the porno David and Jack were watching in An American Werewolf in London?  Well, I was thinking about that film-within-a-film a lot while watching The Office Party.  It has the same style of flatly filmed softcore scenes mixed with dry humor (although this one is actually kind of funny).  After seeing something like this, you realize what a spot-on recreation that scene was. 

A boss (Alan Lake) and his sexy secretary (Pamela Grafton) are secretly having an affair at the office behind their respective partners’ backs.  A salesgirl named Sally (Theresa Wood) is about to be married, so everyone in the office decides to throw her an after-hours party.  Once the drinks start flowing, the clothes start hitting the floor, and couples go sneaking off for a good shagging. 

From British sexploitation maverick, writer-director David Hamilton-Grant, The Office Party has a decent amount of skin, a handful of respectable laughs, and is less than an hour long.  The setting is fun as the office is a distribution arm for softcore movies.  (The filmmakers probably just filmed the thing in their own office to save money.)  The posters on the wall, both for real and fake movies, are amusing too.  It was fun seeing an ad slick for the Candace Rialson flick Pets (under the title Submission), but my favorite ad was for a film called Frankenstein was a Lesbian!

The sex and nude scenes are somewhat brief, but for something this short, I’d say you get your money’s worth.  The humor works surprisingly well though as some of the banter is genuinely good for a laugh.  I also liked the scene where the staff rode an elevator and imagined their co-workers nude. 

Some may feel shortchanged by the lack of an actual plot.  If you were expecting the plotline with the philandering boss and his cheating secretary to be resolved (either by them being found out by their spouses or running off with one another), forget it.  At fifty-three minutes, this movie doesn’t have time for shit like that.  This is The Office Party and it’s about the office party.  I kind of liked that. 

Hamilton-Grant later landed himself in hot water with the authorities when he released the “Video Nasty” Nightmare in the UK.  (This, along with a few of his other British skin flicks can be found as bonus features on Severin’s 4K UHD release of the film.) 

BLACK MAMBA (2016) ****

Look out, Tommy Wiseau.  Watch your back, Neil Breen.  There’s a new sheriff in town and her name is Belinda M. Wilson. 

Black Mamba is one of the most delirious cinematic experiences I’ve had in my lifetime.  That’s not hyperbole.  That’s just a fact. 

The film is basically a horror anthology with various characters coming to see the eponymous witch (Wilson) and asking her to make them potions so their wishes can come true.  Naturally, they backfire on the poor saps in spectacularly hilarious ways.  It sounds ordinary enough, but it’s Wilson’s completely nutzo handling of the material that makes the movie so special.  If there’s a missing link between Fateful Findings and Black Devil Doll from Hell, this is it. 

The first story is the best.  It is a gleefully deranged tale of an infertile couple trying to conceive.  I laughed so hard and long during some stretches of this sequence that I probably lost some vital bits of dialogue, but that’s okay.  I plan on watching it again very soon.  The conception scene is one for the books.  It will have you splitting your sides in laughter.  There are also moments here that are reminiscent of It’s Alive, Grave of the Vampire, and How to Train Your Dragon.  No, I am not on drugs. 

The next tale just can’t compete with the first, but it’s a really good/bad one any way you slice it.  It centers on a woman who wants to look beautiful.  The scenes of her holding a running commentary on the action (everyone in the movie seems to be incapable of having an interior monologue) are still really funny and the big bathtub scene is a winner too. 

The third tale gets my vote for the second-best sequence.  It’s about a guy who wants to swim with mermaids.  The underwater CGI effects will have you busting a gut, but our hero’s antics and wisecracks are genuinely hilarious, and his scuba diving get-up is priceless. 

Next, we have a story about a woman who wants a love potion to make her doctor fall in love with her.  Things go horribly wrong when her husband accidentally drinks it.  Like the second segment, this one is more of a traditional horror tale.  However, nothing can prepare you for the confrontation between our heroine’s suitors.  You’ll have to pick your jaw up off the floor. 

For the final segment, we get to see what happened to the couple from the first story once they brought their monster baby home.  I kind of wish it had been kept together as one long segment, but hey, that just adds to the overall unpredictable nature of the film. 

The way Wilson uses shoddy CGI with reckless abandon is glorious.  Some scenes look like people standing in front of a green screen while the Sims is playing in the background.  In fact, there are some scenes that feature more effects going on in one single shot than most big budget Hollywood films.  You’ve got to admire that fearless sense of ambition, especially when Wilson’s reach perpetually exceeds her grasp. 

In short, this is a mind-blowing experience.  For bad movie fans, Black Mamba will hit like a pure shot of adrenaline.  This flick contains more WTF moments per minute than just about any I’ve seen.  Connoisseurs of Grade Z cinema, the gauntlet has been thrown down.  Check it out ASAP. 

TWISTED SEX VOL. 3 (1994) ***

The third collection of ‘60s sexploitation trailers from Something Weird begins with trailers for artsy fare like I, a Woman and Therese and Isabelle.  Don’t be alarmed though.  It doesn’t take long before you’re hit with a veritable avalanche of sleazy previews for roughies like Come Play with Me and Olga’s Dance Hall Girls.  Along the way there are ads for nudie cuties (The Beast That Killed Women), Mondo movies (Primitive Love, which features Jayne Mansfield performing a sexy striptease), and films that are sadly lost to time, like the incredible looking Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico. 

Probably the most memorable trailer is for Ravaged (AKA: After Mein Kampf), which mixes sexploitation and stock footage of actual Nazi atrocities.  You know, fun for the entire family.  There are also some great ads for oddities and rare films like The Adventures of Busty Brown, The Diary of Knockers McCalla, and the wonderfully titled Scarf of Mist, Thigh of Satin. 

You know, I like to think I know a thing or two about smut movies.  So, when I come across a trailer for something like Obscene House featuring the unforgettable sight of “Fat Mama”, an overweight madam, it’s nice to know even I can be surprised by some of the shit Something Weird manages to cram into these things.  (See also the amazing trailer for Carny Girl.)

This volume is a tad overlong and begins to run out of steam before crossing the finish line.  Things wind down with hippie movies such as Like It is and Acid Dreams before concluding with an ad for an educational short called The Art of Marriage.  There’s also a random short about a blonde wife who perks up a cocktail party by stripping in the living room that’s just there as filler. 

Fans of tawdry taglines will have a field day with this installment though.  Some of my favorites belong to Therese and Isabelle (“A milestone in motion picture candor!”), The Sin Syndicate (“A frank, uninhibited exposition of the girl racket!”), Prostitutes Protective Society (“Scene after scene of nude violence!”), Unholy Matrimony (“Unholy Matrimony took years to research, months to maintain, and nerves to show!”), Mr. Mari’s Girls (“Obscene and banned by the public!”), and Hot Skin and Cold Cash (“A picture you can’t miss… UNLESS YOU’RE A SISSY!”).  Meanwhile, Meeting on 69th Street promises “Sick sex doings!”

Well, if you’re like me and know am, and sick sex doings are what you crave, you can do a lot worse than Twisted Sex Vol. 3. 

The complete trailer rundown is as follows: Michelle, The Passionate Strangers, The Twilight Girls, I a Woman, Therese and Isabelle, The Girl with the Magic Box, The Beast That Killed Women, Primitive Love, The Soul Snatcher, Fanny Hill Meets Dr. Erotico, The Sin Syndicate, Prostitutes Protective Society, Death of a Nymphet, Come Play with Me, Olga’s Dance Hall Girls, Justine:  The Erotic Excitement of Evil, Mondo Oscenita, Unholy Matrimony, Hot Erotic Dreams, Ravaged, Prowl Girls, The Adventures of Busty Brown, The Diary of Knockers McCalla, Mr. Mari’s Girls, Sex Club International, Infidelity American-Style, Hot Skin and Cold Cash, Scarf of Mist Thigh of Satin, Allison Women are Bad, She Came on the Bus, Meeting on 69th Street, Obscene House, A Taste of Hot Lead, Delilah, Carny Girl, I Want You!, Like It Is, Acid Dreams, The Art of Marriage, and a random short.