FOUND FOOTAGE 3D (2016) **

An independent film crew are about to start production on a found footage horror movie called “The Spectre of Death”.  At the last minute, the producer decides to make it in 3-D, which confounds just about everyone.  They go on location to a supposedly haunted house in the middle of nowhere where a gruesome murder occurred years ago.  Before long, weird shit that echoes the supernatural events in the script starts happening.

I give Found Footage 3D props for addressing the silliness in making a found footage movie in 3-D right from the get-go.  It also has fun sending up the genre and the inherent stupidity of most found footage horror films.  The behind-the-scenes problems that plague the production make the early scenes feel like a horror version of This is Spinal Tap.  After about a half hour or so, the film starts to become less a clever send-up of the genre and more of an anemic example of it.  

The 3-D works best when the actors are being filmed with lots of available light and the camera is being held perfectly still.  Since this is a found footage movie, the camera is shaky a lot of the time and most of the scenes take place in pitch black.  That is to say, they pretty much abandon the gimmick as soon as it’s introduced, which is a shame.

The final nail in the movie’s coffin is the bloated running time of 100 minutes.  There’s no reason to have a Found Footage movie running that length.  I could have also done without the self-congratulatory cameo by horror journalist Scott Weinberg (who also produced) playing himself.  It’s just a bit too cheeky for its own good and adds nothing to the movie.

THE BLOODSTAINED SHADOW (1978) **

A priest (Craig Hill) witnesses a murder, but is unable to make out the assailant.  When he begins to investigate the crime, the killer starts leaving him threatening notes warning him to back off.  The priest’s brother (Lino Capolicchio) comes to stay with him and soon takes it upon himself to solve the murders.

The Bloodstained Shadow is a middling and overlong giallo, but the great score by Stelvio Cipriani keeps you from dozing off.  It’s easily the best thing about the movie.  Cipriani's score is all over the place, which gives him plenty of opportunity to dabble in different musical styles.  This anything-goes approach makes even the smallest scene interesting.  Not only that, but it’s just plain groovy!  You’re guaranteed to be tapping your toes throughout the inflated running time.

The murder set pieces leave something to be desired though.  Most of the deaths are strangulations, which offers up little variation.  The one standout murder involves a woman’s face being shoved into a fireplace, but that’s about as gruesome as it gets.  

Although the film fails as a straight thriller, it works as sort of a warped soap opera.  As Hill investigates the murders, he pulls back the curtain of his shady neighborhood.  Since he is their priest and has listened to all his neighbors’ confessions, he knows all their seedy secrets.  I just wish there was more done with this aspect of the picture.  

The ending is predictable and drawn out.  There are just too many flashbacks and red herrings here that spoil the fun.  It’s also way too long.  At 110 minutes, there’s so much filler that it drags the whole movie down.  

AKA:  Only Blackness.

STAR WARS: EPISODE VIII: THE LAST JEDI (2017) ****

You know a movie is special when a father and daughter are simultaneously on the edge of their seat during the final minutes.  The fact that the film in question is the latest installment of the Star Wars saga makes it even more special.  I still remember the feeling of awe I had as a child when I saw the speeder bike chase from Return of the Jedi in the theater for the first time in 1983.  I can only hope my daughter feels the same way thirty years from now when she looks back on The Last Jedi.  

I think it’s safe to say that she will.  When we got home from the theater, she emulated Rey by sitting in the floor and shutting her eyes.  Concentrating, she reached out her hand and tried to make a book move by using The Force.  If that isn’t a testament to the magic of Star Wars, I don’t know what is.

Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars movie since 1983.  It takes what George Lucas, and later, J.J. Abrams did, subverts it, and makes it feel fresh and new.  Yes, after the fan service-heavy likes of The Force Awakens and Rogue One, I thought the spark of originality was almost lost in the franchise.  Johnson protects that spark and ignites it into something much bigger.

George Lucas had a knack for making science fiction stories that had personality, quirkiness, and a fierce independence.  Even though they were epics, they still felt like personal independent films.  Whereas The Force Awakens and Rogue One felt like products off an assembly line, this one feels like it could’ve only come from the mind of Johnson.

Coming from someone who had issues with The Force Awakens, it was a sheer delight to see how Johnson thumbed his nose at Abrams’ “safe” storytelling decisions.  I won’t spoil anything, but you pretty much get all the answers you wanted to know from The Force Awakens and then some.  Like a Jedi Mind Trick, Johnson resolves just about every lingering plot thread with the wave of a hand.  (He even answers a question fans have been asking since the original trilogy:  Just where does blue milk come from?)  In fact, the film almost feels like the conclusion to a trilogy in many ways.  

Speaking of trilogies, there’s enough stuff in here to fill an entire Star Wars trilogy.  Much has been made of the length of The Last Jedi.  What is so amazing is that it never feels long.  Could Johnson have trimmed some stuff here and there?  Maybe, but I was so engrossed over every second of it that I honestly didn’t want it to end.

The Last Jedi is what Star Wars, and movies in general are all about.  It’s moving, harrowing, hilarious, tragic, and exhilarating; sometimes all at the same time.  I laughed.  I cried.  I was literally on the edge of my seat multiple times.  Johnson really puts you through the wringer.  Few blockbusters nowadays truly move viewers.  If you walk away nonplussed by this one, you might be a droid.    

Even if you don’t like the directions Johnson is taking the franchise (and judging by the internet, there are some that don’t), you’re guaranteed to feel at least SOMETHING when you leave the theater.  At least Johnson is taking chances, ones that pay off big time in the finale.  After J.J.’s safe bet greatest-hits collection, this is a breath of fresh air.  

I felt cheated by the lack of Luke in the last episode.  He was always my favorite character, so I felt shortchanged to have him reduced to a mere cameo.  I mean I waited thirty-four years to know what happened to Luke after the Battle of Endor and Johnson doesn’t disappoint at all.  While Luke isn’t really front-and-center that much (there are a LOT of characters to juggle, which is fine because Johnson can juggle with the best of them), when he is… well… all I can say is that it’s 1983 and I’m five years old again and I’m clapping and cheering over a Star Wars movie. 

EVERYONE has a moment to shine.  Most poignant of course is Leia because of Carrie Fisher’s untimely passing.  There was only one cheesy bit of the movie, and that belonged to her, but everything else she did was beautiful.  From arguing with Poe Dameron to commanding the fleet, this is a grown and mature Leia that still has a heap of spunk to her.  It’s unfortunate Fisher’s no longer with us because her presence will be sorely missed in Episode IX.

I liked where Kylo Ren was at.  He’s still feels haunted by the murder of Han Solo.  Will the guilt of killing his father pull him towards the light, or set him off into a more extremely unstable path?  His arc is one of the more interesting and unpredictable in the movie.

Then there’s of course Rey, who spends most of the film begging to be taught the ways of The Force.  Her interactions with Luke (who is clearly relishing a chance to play a cantankerous mentor) are some of the funniest and most heartfelt in the entire series.  The fact that Luke pushes her away gives her something in common with Kylo, and their shared recognition of that (and possible allegiance to one another) is one of the gray areas the film has fun exploring.

As someone who’s favorite new character from The Force Awakens was BB-8, I was not disappointed.  I’m glad to report he has plenty of hilarious moments in this one.  He even got at least one big hero moment that made me cheer.  

Even the new characters, who arrive hitting the ground running, are likeable, fully realized, and feel fresh.  Vice Admiral Holdo, Rose, and DJ still follow motifs from previous episodes, but they are integrated with the older cast so seamlessly that it feels like they’ve been around forever.  I certainly hope to see more of them in episodes to come. 

Speaking of new characters:  Porgs.  They’re further proof that, like the Ewoks, Star Wars characters can be cute AND awesome at the same time.  I loved them.

The action is off the chain.  This is a Star Wars film, and Johnson brings the wars.  It often feels like a non-stop assault.  Like some of the best entries in the franchise, this is a Chase Movie in the best sense.  It almost feels like Stephen King’s The Long Walk, but with space ships.  On the ground, in outer space, and with the lightsabers, there are some all-time Star Wars moments to be had.  The Praetorian Guard scene melted my brain.  It was like watching a futuristic Shaw Brothers Venom Mob movie.  Although it’s still a little early to tell, I have a feeling these guys might be the new Boba Fett.  This sequence also contains one of the most crowd-pleasing moments in a Star Wars flick since Han swooped in on the Millennium Falcon in the original.  Yes, it’s that good.

The new planets are great too.  Canto Bight, the casino planet (which is basically like a Cantina version of Monte Carlo), gives us a glimpse of how the class system works in the Star Wars universe.  While some of this was a little on-the-nose, I wouldn’t change a moment, especially when it leads us to the stirring final shot.

I honestly have no idea where the series can go from here.  It’s like Johnson mic dropped the series back into J.J.’s lap.  One thing’s for sure, J.J. has some big shoes to fill.

SCOUNDRELS (1982) ** ½

Ron Jeremy is an unhappily married shrink whose wife cheats on him with his best friend.  He’s having an affair with his secretary, who also happens to be balling his best friend.  His daughter is a nympho too and she soon takes to selling herself to satiate her desires.

It might not sound like it from that plot description, but director Cecil (Platinum Paradise) Howard didn’t set out to make a typical XXX movie.  He fills the movie with a lot of surrealistic touches and gives some sequences a dreamlike feel.  I can’t say it’s successful or anything as the scenes of the family in white face paint confessing their sins to an omnipotent being (okay, some guy waving a flashlight) get repetitive after a while.  

There are a handful of solid sex scenes here and Howard does a nice job of giving each one a distinct style.  Unfortunately, the best scenes are mostly weighted towards the beginning of the film.  I can’t rightly know if you’ll be turned on by them though.  I mean the horrifying sight of Ron Jeremy dressed like a mime is enough to kill any chance of arousal.  

Without Howard’s stylish touches, Scoundrels would’ve been instantly forgettable.  Even with them, it still isn’t all that great.  If anything, it’s a reminder of a time when directors could sneak a little artiness into a porno, just as long as he had enough sex in there to satisfy the paying customers.

SHORT NIGHT OF GLASS DOLLS (1971) **

A reporter named Gregory (Jean Sorel) is found comatose in the bushes.  He's still conscious, but his heartbeat is too faint to detect.  Presumed dead, the mortician prepares Gregory’s body for an autopsy.  He tries to get everyone's attention to stop the autopsy while wracking his brain to remember how he wound up in this predicament. 

The old “I'm not dead” yet cliché has been used by everyone from Edgar Allen Poe to Stephen King.  Director Aldo (Who Saw Her Die?) Lado is neither.  Maybe that’s because Poe and King’s tales were short stories.  The morgue scenes are mildly amusing and sometimes effective, but the mystery surrounding his appearance on the autopsy table just isn't interesting enough to sustain a feature length movie. 

This is one of those thrillers that basically save all the horror for the final reel.  Even then, it's kind of a bust.  The big reveal is okay I suppose, but the autopsy finale is a big letdown. 

Mario (Man Hunt) Adorf is pretty good as Sorel’s buddy, but it’s Barbara Bach who leaves the biggest impression as his luscious girlfriend.  Unfortunately, she disappears much too quick and her presence is sorely missed.  Sorel doesn’t have much charisma or anything, but he does sport a wicked head of hair.  In fact, his hair looks better when he’s dead than most men do when they’re alive.

AKA:  Paralyzed.  AKA:  The Short Night of the Butterflies.  

BETTER WATCH OUT (2017) **

A babysitter (Olivia DeJonge) watches an awkward teenage boy (Levi Miller) while his parents are at a Christmas party.  He has a big crush on her, so he gets drunk on champagne and tries to put the moves on her.  Before long, they’re menaced by a psycho who makes threatening phone calls and vows to murder them if they leave the house.

To tell any more would ruin the surprise.  (Imagine if Bret Easton Ellis wrote a John Hughes Christmas movie and that might give you an idea of what to expect.)  Better Watch Out does have a rather good twist that occurs early on; right after the first act, in fact.  By placing the twist so early in the narrative, it doesn’t really leave the movie anywhere to go.  It also causes the tension to flatline and the plot quickly gets repetitive from there.  

There’s a ring of truth here if you’ve been a boy that’s too old to have a babysitter, and a hot one at that.  This was done slightly better than The Babysitter though.  Even though that movie was a bit more outrageous, it still found a nice balance between the sitter and the sittee.  

DeJonge has a Kristen Bell quality about her.  She’s especially good when trying to reason with her attacker.  Miller is a bit too annoying though.  While he plays the whiny teenager role adequately enough, he just isn’t up to the task later in the film.  At least Patrick Warburton and Virginia Madsen get some laughs as Miller’s kooky parents.

AKA:  Safe Neighborhood.

BREAKING POINT (1976) **

Bob Clark had an interesting filmography.  He could direct anything from horror classics like Deathdream and Black Christmas to family-friendly movies like A Christmas Story and Baby Geniuses.  From raunchy comedies like Porky’s 1 and 2 to unheralded masterpieces like Rhinestone and Turk 182.  He also made this ho-hum thriller.

Bo Svenson stars as a happily married family man who witnesses a Mob hit.  Robert Culp is the cop who gets Bo to testify against the assailants.  When the Mob comes after Bo’s family, Culp puts them in the witness protection program.  Even though he repeatedly tells them not to contact anyone from their “old” life, Bo’s stupid step kid calls his dad, which leads the mobsters right to them.  After his family is threatened, Bo finally decides to stop hiding and faces the mobsters on their own turf.

The look of the film is similar to Black Christmas.  (It even takes place at Christmas.)  The giggling hitman certainly sounds like the killer from that movie.  Whereas Clark’s ‘70s horror movies had a knack for invention and economical use of their low budgets, this one is content to rest on tired revenge clichés.  It’s competently made, but it just feels like Clark’s heart wasn’t in it.  

Svenson is decent enough in the lead.  He basically just plays Buford Pusser again, minus the redneck aspect (he even hits a guy with a 2x4 at one point).  Culp is usually magnetic, but even he has a time finding a way to breathe life into his cliched character (whose only plot function is to be constantly wrong).  John Colicos is unnecessarily hammy as the Mafioso who wants Svenson’s family dead and the lack of a quality villain further prevents the film from kicking into gear.