THE COMMUTER (2018) **

Liam Neeson is a man with a particular set of skills.  He knows how to open an action movie in the dead of winter.  His new film, The Commuter shamelessly borrows elements from his previous efforts.  It’s basically Non-Stop, but on a train instead of a plane.  We also have someone playing mind games with him a la Unknown.  Oh yeah, and what would a Liam Neeson flick be if his wife wasn’t in danger, just like the Taken series?  As a fan of Neesonploitation, I’m sad to report that even with his long-time collaborator, director Jaume Collet-Serra aboard (heh), this is by far his weakest wintertime actioner. 

Collet-Serra gives us two nifty sequences.  The opening scene that shows Neeson’s character’s mundane existence of boarding the same train every morning is expertly done.  I also liked the long tracking shot that shows not only the geography of the train, but the list of potential suspects as well.  These two scenes would make Hitchcock himself proud.

Hitch would have scoffed at the thin plot, weak script, and predictable plot twists though.  He would’ve also sent the shitty CGI train wreck sequence back to the shop for a touch-up.  Heck, he probably would’ve insisted on using models.  That way, it wouldn’t have looked like something out of a goddamn video game.  

Despite the less-than-stellar material, Neeson refuses to phone it in.  His performance of an Everyman trying to find a certain passenger in a short amount of time in order to save his wife is easily the best thing about the movie.  I honestly thought he’d given up action movies after the excellent Run All Night.  The Commuter is proof he should’ve quite while he was ahead.

 AKA:  The Passenger.

ORGY OF THE DEAD (1965) ****

A writer named Bob (William Bates) takes his girlfriend (Pat Barrington) on a midnight ride to a cemetery to get inspiration for his newest horror tale.  Along the way, they get into an accident and are knocked unconscious.  Meanwhile, The Emperor of the Night (Criswell) rises from his tomb and holds court in the graveyard.  He is joined by a sidekick modeled on Vampira (Fawn Silver) and they watch as several undead strippers dance.  (“If I am not pleased by tonight’s entertainment I shall banish their souls to everlasting damnation!”)  

First up is a Native American dancer (“she died in flames”), then a hooker does a striptease in front of a skeleton.  Eventually, the couple wakes up and make their way to the cemetery to watch the girls dance.  Just when you think it can’t get any better, the Mummy and the Wolf Man show up to capture the couple and tie them up and force them to watch more girls dance.

In short, Orgy of the Dead is one of the greatest movies ever made.  It was a collaboration between director Steven C. Apostolof and screenwriter Ed Wood.  While they went on to work on a slew of nudie movies together (including the immortal Fugitive Girls), this was their first and best outing.

Although Apostolof was at the helm, there’s still plenty of Wood trademarks here.  The appearance of Criswell, the stilted dialogue (“Torture!  Torture!  It pleasures me!”), shots that alternate between day and night, and guys covering their faces with Dracula capes means this would make a great double feature with Plan 9 from Outer Space.  I mean you have monsters, naked girls, bondage, Ed Wood dialogue…  What more could you possibly want from a movie?

Orgy of the Dead is essentially a series of burlesque dance routines held together with a B horror movie.  That is to say, it’s awesome.  The dances are actually pretty good too.  There are plenty of topless women gyrating about and Apostolof films it all in glorious fashion.  One girl (also Barrington) gets pelted with gold by two dudes in striped sarongs before being dipped in gold.  (The Goldfinger influence is heavy.)  In another, a woman in a cat suit gets whipped while she dances.  Other dances include a bullfighter’s wife, a zombie, and a woman in a wedding dress.  The excellent, fog-shrouded graveyard adds a level of sexiness to the routines.  They wouldn’t have been nearly as hot if they took place in an ordinary strip club, that’s for sure!

I know Plan 9 gets all the accolades, but Orgy of the Dead contains some of my favorite Ed Wood lines ever.  The best dialogue exchange comes when Bates and Barrington stumble upon the nude dancers in the graveyard.  Barrington asks, “Is it some kind of college initiation?”

Bates replies, “It’s an initiation alright, but not to any college as you or I know it!”

The Vinegar Syndrome blu-ray is jaw-droppingly gorgeous.  The film has simply never looked better.  The graveyard sets look lush and the red dye jobs on the dancers really pop.  If you’re a Wood fan, you owe it to yourself to check it out.  I can’t wait till they release Fugitive Girls!

AKA:  Orgy of the Vampires.

WARRIORS OF FIRE (1987) ** ½

Here’s yet another Godfrey Ho and Tomas Tang cut-and-paste Ninja epic.  It’s part Ninja action flick, part Vietnam movie, and part rape and revenge thriller.  It’s not great or anything, but it’s more entertaining than most of their incoherent offerings.

The Red Ninja is after some vital blueprints necessary to his organization, so he captures his old army buddy and tries to make him reveal their location.  When he doesn't give in, the Red Ninja has his fiancée raped and killed.  Her sister discovers her body, and begs the White Ninja to train her so she can get revenge. 

It doesn't get any better than the first scene.  We see the bad guy out golfing, but something is a bit off.  He’s in the woods, not on an actual course.  It becomes painfully obvious when he sinks his putt, which is nothing more than a freshly dug hole in the ground!

Then, when he has some important papers to file… BAM!  Out of nowhere, a Ninja appears to grab his paperwork!  Yes folks, there are Ninja secretaries in this movie.  I don’t know about you, but that’s just plain awesome. 

The scenes of our heroine training with the White Ninja are fun.  I especially liked the scene where he tattoos her body to permanently remind her of her quest for vengeance.  Once the Vietnam flashbacks start getting heavy, the fun starts to dry up.  By the time Ho takes to blatantly ripping off the Russian roulette scene from The Deer Hunter you know he’s grasping at straws.  Still, there’s enough nuttiness in the first hour to make this a mostly enjoyable Ho/Tang collaboration. 

AKA:  Ninja and the Warriors of Fire.  AKA:  Ninja 8:  Warriors of Fire.

SNIPER: SPECIAL OPS (2016) **

Since I found Code of Honor surprisingly enjoyable, I thought I’d double down and see Steven Seagal’s OTHER 2016 sniper movie, Sniper:  Special Ops.  I guess I should’ve known lightning wouldn’t strike twice.  Still, it’s far from Seagal’s worst Direct to Video effort.

Despite the title, this has nothing to do with the Tom Berenger/Billy Zane movies, although it’s about on par with them.  Seagal plays a sniper who is left behind enemy lines with a wounded comrade in Afghanistan.  Tim Abell is the squad leader who is given orders not to stage a rescue mission.  When he comes face to face with the daughter in-law of a Taliban bigwig, he uses her as a bargaining chip to extract his men.

This would make a great double feature with Code of Honor, not only because Seagal plays a sniper, but because of how little he’s in it.  Also, he spends most of his screen time sitting in a chair talking to his buddy who’s lying wounded on the floor.  As with Code of Honor, you can tell by the way it's shot and edited that he and Seagal weren't even on the set at the same time. In fact, I'm not sure Seagal even acted alongside anyone in the cast.

Oh, and did I mention this was directed by Fred Olen (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) Ray?  He’s one of my favorite modern-day exploitation filmmakers, but the film itself is much too bland to really compete with his best stuff.  The script is a bit too one-note (it uses war movie clichés that have been around since the ‘40s) and there isn’t a whole lot of action.  Still, I got a kick out of seeing his usual stable of actors (like Jay Richardson) popping up here and there.

The funniest thing about the movie is the DVD art.  I love how it touts “Seagal” and “Van Dam” as if people who can’t read will be suckered into thinking it’s a team up between Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme.  Really, Van Dam is none other than pro wrestler Rob Van Dam, who plays one of the military grunts.  He doesn’t do enough to really deserve that kind of billing, but you have to admit it’s makes for great cover art.

I, TONYA (2017) ***

I think the Tonya Harding story had the makings of a great movie, but the filmmakers never quite find the right in.  If the story was told straightforward, it could’ve been a tawdry, trashy good time.  Instead, director Craig (Lars and the Real Girl) Gillespie and writer Steven (Stepmom) Rogers go for a weird hybrid of a faux-true crime documentary and quirky indie comedy.  Like Tonya herself, it’s full of grit and spunk, but it never quite sticks the landing.

Margot Robbie does well as Tonya Harding, who strives for Olympic ice skating gold, even though she is pretty much pure white trash.  Because of that, she never gets an even break with the judges.  The film chronicles the bickering between Tonya and her suffocating mother (Allison Janney) and her tumultuous relationship with her husband Jeff Gillooly (Sebastian Stan) as she tirelessly competes year after year.  Thinking they need an edge, Jeff and his nitwit friend (Paul Walter Hauser) plot to “scare” Harding’s rival Nancy Kerrigan (Caitlyn Carver) before an upcoming competition.  Naturally, the guys they hire take things way too far and wind up busting Kerrigan’s kneecap, causing an international sensation.

As Fargo did so well before, I, Tonya shows us that most criminals aren't the masterminds you see in the movies, but your typical everyday dumbasses.  The movie also has fun showing everyone recalling slightly different versions of who did what and how much they really knew about the attack on Kerrigan.  However, by doing it this way, the character of Tonya becomes something of an enigma.  It might’ve played better had we seen her as either a total innocent or as a full-blown co-conspirator.  

Another debit is the on-camera interviews of the actors in make-up recounting the events that led up to the attack.  Although much of what they say is taken from actual transcripts, they nevertheless feel a bit showy and stagey.  They also eat up a lot of screen time.  Again, I have a feeling if everything was told in a more linear fashion the whole thing would’ve flowed better.  

I’m not saying it’s a bad movie or anything.  The cast are all aces and there are plenty of big laughs.  However, you get a sense that a straight documentary on the subject would be more fascinating.  (The real-life interview footage that accompanies the end credits kind of proves my point.)

Maybe it’s me.  Maybe it’s just because I remember seeing the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan scandal unfold in real time on TV news and on the tabloid rack.  Maybe real life is weirder than any movie.

You do walk away feeling pity for Tonya, which is something I did not expect.  You get the feeling that there are more Tonyas than Nancys in the world.  One thing is for sure, there wouldn’t have been enough dirt on Nancy to fill a feature length movie.

Robbie is quite good as the spunky, perpetually beaten (in both senses of the word) Tonya.  Stan also does a good job at playing dumb as her clueless, but abusive husband.  It’s Janney though who up and steals the film as Tonya’s acid-tongue mother.  I honestly think the Best Supporting Actress Oscar is a two-woman race this year between Janney and Laurie Metcalfe for Lady Bird.   I’d be equally pleased if either of them won because they both richly deserve it.

CODE OF HONOR (2016) ***

Code of Honor is probably Steven Seagal’s best Direct to DVD movie.  For sheer unintentional laughs, I’d still stick with Out of Reach, but this is definitely his most polished and involving DTV action flick since Pistol Whipped.

I admire the fact that Seagal is at a point in his career where he can just sit behind a sniper rifle to hide his ever-expanding girth while wearing sunglasses and a goatee for most of his screen time.  I swear, he spends about 80% of his screen time sitting down.  When he’s not sitting behind a sniper rifle, he’s sitting in the shadows of a strip club watching women dance in slow motion. He probably wasn’t even on set the same day because he's only shown sitting in front of a pink glittery curtain.  In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find him in a shot containing any of the other actors.

Another jaw-dropping fact about his character is that he doesn’t have any lines of dialogue until 45 minutes into the movie.  Props to Seagal for finding projects in which he can grab a paycheck from doing the barest minimum possible.  I think even late-era Brando would be impressed.  

However, there’s a REASON why you see so little of Seagal in the movie.  The kicker is that it honestly makes sense.  I won’t spoil it for you because it is one of the genuine treats the film has in store for you.

Code of Honor plays like a mash-up of The Punisher and another movie.  I won’t tell you which one because you’ll immediately guess the twist ending.  Anyway, Seagal is a sniper who is singlehandedly taking out kingpin James Russo’s crime syndicate.  Craig Sheffer is the mysterious federal agent who is hunting Seagal who waltzes in and complicates detective Louis Mandylor’s investigation.  

I’ve sat through a lot of these things and I can honestly say Code of Honor is a truly good one.  It’s competently, even stylishly at times, made and features some decent action.  Writer/director Michael Winnick uses Seagal’s fleeting appearances to maximum advantage.  Some will undoubtedly be disappointed by the lack of wrist-snapping action in this one, but Sheffer makes for an acceptable Seagal substitute as he is constantly jamming knives into bad guys every twenty minutes or so.   

THE GREATEST SHOWMAN (2017) ***

I got a Movie Pass for Christmas.  If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s basically a pre-paid credit card that let’s you see a movie a day for free.  One of the benefits of having a Movie Pass is that you can take a chance on a movie you might’ve otherwise skipped.  After all, it’s free, so what do you have to lose?

I’m not the biggest fan of musicals, but my daughter wanted to see The Greatest Showman, so I figured I’d tag along with her and check it out.  As it turns out, it’s a solid family-friendly movie that audiences of all ages should enjoy.  I can’t say that the songs are particularly great (they eventually start to sound the same after a while), but they are performed with such warmth and heart by the earnest cast that they are hard to dismiss.  

The film acts as a loose biography of P.T. Barnum (Hugh Jackman) as it follows his meager upbringings as a tailor’s son to circus impresario.  Barnum makes a name for himself when he opens a museum dedicated to human oddities and uses real-life freaks in his show to draw crowds.  He then uses his newfound social standing to rub it in the faces of those who looked down on him all his life.  When he takes a stab at promoting legitimate theater with a beautiful opera singer (Rebecca Ferguson), it drives a wedge between Barnum and his wife (Michelle Williams) and he almost loses his family. 

The Greatest Showman is at its best when it shows the camaraderie between Barnum and the freaks.  Since he is the rare person who makes the effort and tries to get to know them, they agree to join up with his circus.  He gives them a platform to perform and assures them that yes, people will most assuredly laugh at them.  However, people are going to be laughing no matter what, so they might as well get paid for it.  

The family drama with Williams and Jackman’s two daughters is fairly absorbing and the subplot where Zac Efron and Zendaya fall in love is rather charming too.  The only real weakness stems from the rushed pacing as Barnum goes from being down on his luck to high as a kite so much that he often seems bipolar.  You wish that there had been a little room for the character to breathe a little bit in between his losses and triumphs.  Some of that has to do with the way some of the songs are shoehorned into the narrative.  Other than that relatively minor quibble, The Greatest Showman is a lot of fun and is a great vehicle for the charms of Jackman who shows there’s bound to be plenty of life after Wolverine.