ROLLS ROYCE BABY (1975) ****

Any movie that starts with Lina Romay shaving her pussy immediately gets my attention.  Having her practically orgasm by merely applying the shaving lather is a plus.  Never mind the fact that she was clearly shaved before filming.  That in no way detracts from the intensity of the scene, especially when she’s given narration like:  “My body will be smooth and hairless as an infant!”, “Men will desire me as they would a virgin!”, and “They will all lust after my virgin territory!”

This naturally leads to a scene where Lina fingers her freshly shorn fun button until she humps herself into nirvana.    

We eventually find out her character, Lisa is a nude model/actress.  She doesn’t pose for her photographer for five minutes before he’s banging her under the hot lights.  Later, she watches a guy doing Kung Fu and imagines him karate-chopping naked before giving him a demonstration of nude yoga.  She tells him about her past when she was picked up hitchhiking by a trucker.  She strips down in the passenger seat and the trucker and his buddy bang her in the back of the cab.  (“I’ll teach you how to fuck in a truck!”)

Then, something of a plot emerges.  She gets her Kung Fu friend to dress up as a chauffeur and drive her around in her Rolls Royce.  They then pick up random hitchhikers who are more than happy to get it on with her in the backseat.  If it takes them a while to find someone, she’s content to mess around with herself (again) until a prospective stud shows up.  She even mistakes one woman (Ursula Shaefer) for a man, but luckily, she’s more than willing to do the backseat boogie with Lisa.  

Rolls Royce Baby is one of the best Lina Romay vehicles ever made (no pun intended).  It’s not quite as good as Jess Franco’s Female Vampire, but it certainly comes close, just in terms of pure skin alone. Director Erwin C. (Frauleins in Uniform) Dietrich gives us lots of lingering close-ups of Romay’s… shall we say, femininity.  There’s hardly any part of Lina that goes unexplored.  Dietrich also gives us a hint of hardcore footage (which is tastefully done).

Lina gives a terrific performance.  She’s surprisingly tender in the scene where she sits alone in the car using a tissue to wipe herself clean after an anonymous fuck.  She looks absolutely lonely and miserable.  It’s a great moment that shows her ultimately empty existence.  Little touches like these highlight the fact that Dietrich and Romay wanted to make something more than just a simple skin flick (but not too much).  

Take for example the ending.  At first, you think a relationship is going to form with Lisa and the woman she picks up as she is the only hitchhiker who is invited back to the house and goes for multiple rounds in the sack with her.  Eventually, she moves on, leaving Lisa and her chauffeur alone once again.  The film ends with them getting into the car and going on the prowl for more sex.  Nothing is learned.  No message is hammered home.  Nothing is gained.  Nothing is lost.  We’re left with the impression her sexual appetites probably will never be sated, and she will go on repeating her behavior again and again.  There is no judgment here.  No slut shaming.  Although there is no celebrating her sexual liberation either.  Dietrich is merely presenting the desperate act of a lonely woman with the means of living out her fantasies and fetishes.  Because of that, Rolls Royce Baby is a premium import.

DEFENDOR (2010) **

Defendor, like Super, is about a man who takes it upon himself to become a vigilante superhero.  While somewhat humorous, it is much more serious about its subject matter and whether or no the hero’s delusions of grandeur are a product of mental illness.  I think there’s room for a good movie here, but writer/director Peter Stebbings never quite finds it.  

Arthur (Woody Harrelson) dons a black outfit, helmet, and painted-on mask to fight his archnemesis, Captain Industry.  He also does battle with a crooked cop (Elias Koteas) who has a thing for a junkie hooker (Kat Dennings).  She then uses Arthur to get more drugs by claiming to know all about his fictional villain’s operation.  

There was a good idea here.  The early scenes set a nice tone that the rest of the movie struggles to recapture.  Super and Kick-Ass did a good job portraying its characters as off-kilter, but still incompetent and believable as a makeshift superhero.  Here, it never seems like Harrelson’s in any real danger, not because he’s adept at kicking butt, but because the screenplay seems much too convenient.  At all times, it feels like a first draft of a script as the predicaments arise and are resolved without much consequence or emotional impact.  (Even the tragic ending falls flat.)  The action is flatly filmed too, what little of it there is, anyway.  

Harrelson almost singlehandedly holds the picture together.  He does a fine job as the vigilante crimefighter and as his possibly unstable alter ego.  Dennings, one of the more winsome and enchanting actresses around, is stuck playing a thoroughly repellent junkie who grates on the nerves more than tugs at your heart.  Koteas is well-cast as the slimy cop, but the script lets him down.  Sandra Oh is also around as Defendor’s therapist, although her intrusions on the narrative (most of it is told in flashback from her office) become annoying quickly.

PET SEMATARY (2019) **

Guys, it’s my fault.  A few days ago, my VCR ate my copy of Mary Lambert’s Pet Sematary.  I was heartbroken at the loss.  So, blinded by grief, I buried the tape in the rocky soil of the old Indian burial ground in my backyard.  I waited.  Eventually, it came back.  To theaters this time.  It looked like my old Pet Sematary.  It sounded like my Pet Sematary, but it wasn’t the same.  It was… bad.

In the beginning, this Pet Sematary gets you thinking everything is going to be just fine.  It lulls you into a false sense of security.  Then, from out of nowhere… WHAM!  It attacks you.  Why would my Pet Sematary do this to me?  How could it be so cruel and heartless?  

That’s because… IT’S NOT MY PET SEMATARY ANY MORE!!!

This Pet Sematary just tries too damn hard to be scary.  Take for example the funeral procession of kids in creepy animal masks.  Why are they there?  Ominous harbinger of doom?  Or just something the directors (Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer, the team behind Starry Eyes) thought would look cool?  It just doesn’t work.  

They also go overboard with the Zelda and Victor Pascow scenes.  I get why they’re in the book as they offer us a glimpse into the psyche of Louis and Rachel (who in this version are played by Jason Clarke and Amy Seimetz).  In this incarnation, both Zelda and Victor are gratuitous and only exist as over the top portents.  (Did we really need the scene at the clinic where Pascow’s brain pulsates out of his skull, and the nurse screams, “OH MY GOD!  I CAN SEE HIS BRAIN!”?)

As unnecessary as all this is, the first half of the movie is… okay.  It’s when the film deviates from the original (not to mention the book) in such a dramatic way that the wheels just don’t fall off, they spontaneously combust.  I know this isn’t the first remake to change something from the original.  Nor is it the first adaptation of a novel to stray from the source material.  It’s just that the changes (especially in the last ten minutes) are needless and clumsily executed.  

The big change, which won’t be much of a spoiler if you saw the trailers, is that it’s the Creeds’ eldest daughter Ellie (Jete Laurence) who gets hit by a truck and not the toddler Gage (Hugo and Lucas Lavole).  I get the reasoning behind this.  A two-year-old zombie isn’t as emotionally complex as a nine-year-old.  (Besides, let’s face it, Ellie was the most annoying and extraneous character in the original.)  If handled just so, the change could’ve packed a real wallop, but like the zombie Ellie, it’s just plain no good.

I won’t lie.  There was a part of me that had a bit of a reaction to the big scene.  My daughter is the same age as Ellie.  We live by a heavily trafficked road that are full of speeding semis.  I imagine I would’ve done the same thing Louis does.  It’s a storytelling low blow to be sure, but the novel was like that too.  Like Gage says in the original, “No fair”.  

Jason Clarke does a fine job as Louis, the grieving father in the scenes leading up to and immediately after he digs up Ellie.  He has an appropriate emptiness in his eyes, like lights are on, but no one’s home.  There are two quiet scenes that work.  One, where he gives his freshly risen daughter a bath.  The other, when he tucks her into bed at night.  These little moments work remarkably well.  If the filmmakers explored this gray area further, it may have been brutally efficient, even scary.  

Instead, the next scene has Ellie dancing wildly around, growling, and smashing shit.  Before long, she’s donning one of those creepy masks and dispatching people with a scalpel while making lame wisecracks.  It’s pathetic.  

The final scenes will just leave fans of the book and the original film furious.  Those unfamiliar with the changes may be able to accept them at face value.  However, the final moments land in such a clunky manner that I severely doubt it.  

I was ecstatic about the casting of the great John Lithgow as the Creeds’ neighbor Jud, who was memorably played by Fred Gwynne in the original.  As a fan of Lithgow’s I couldn’t wait to see what he would do with the role.  As it turns out, John Lithgow is no Fred Gwynne.  Who’d thought?

Honestly, there’s no reason for this thing to even exist.  There are so many great Stephen King novels and short stories that haven’t been turned into movies yet.  Why dig up old ones and remake them?  Other than to get some of that It money. 

Sometimes, the original is better.

SECURITY (2017) ***

Antonio Banderas stars as a soldier who comes home from war to be confronted by an unreceptive job market.  Desperate for work, he takes a job as a mall security guard.  His first night on patrol, it immediately becomes apparent that his co-workers are woefully ill-equipped for the job, but that’s okay, because nothing ever happens at the mall, right?

Of course, a little girl comes banging on the door looking for help.  You see, Ben Kingsley wants her dead and…

Yes, folks, THAT Ben Kingsley.  

Anyway, Antonio protects the girl and refuses to give her up.  Since Ben is the head of an elite assassination team whose assignment is to silence the kid so she can’t testify for his client, a standoff ensues.  Once his men infiltrate the building, it’s up to Antonio to rally the troops in order to survive the night.  

Wouldn’t you know it?  The security team isn’t allowed to carry guns, so the only weapons they have are pepper spray and tasers.  That might work against your average shoplifter, but what’s it going to do to a trigger-happy hit squad?  That means Antonio and his crew have to salvage what they can from the various stores to create their own makeshift weapons to protect the little girl until the police arrive on the scene.  

Look, Security isn’t going to win any awards.  Casual viewers are likely to skip right over it.  It probably won’t even get a look from Banderas fans thanks to the generic poster.  That’s a shame too because even if it isn’t a Grade A thriller or anything, it’s a lean, mean, efficient little picture that moves along at a crackling pace.    

Banderas takes his PTSD-addled character seriously, but the movie itself is anything but.  It’s ridiculous, a tad cheesy, and a lot of fun.  The scenes of Banderas taking control of his team of unarmed Paul Blarts, whipping them into shape, and prepping the mall with Home Alone-style traps is a hoot.  Kingsley is clearly having fun and turns what could’ve been a standard issue villain into something offbeat and memorable.  

Some of the action scenes are kind of dark, but at least the camerawork isn’t shaky.  Other than that, Security is a pleasant and diverting old school action flick.  Action fans looking for a night of undemanding fun are pretty much guaranteed to have a blast with it. 

SHAZAM! (2019) ***

Shazam! is the second-best movie starring a Captain Marvel released in the last four weeks.  It’s easily one of the weaker recent DC superhero movies too.  What keeps it afloat is the plucky, jubilant, and endearing performance by star Zachary Levi.

Foster kid Billy Batson (Asher Angel) is not happy in his new home.  While dodging some bullies, he hops on a subway and finds himself transported to the mystical lair of a wizard (Djmon Hounsou, who was also in Captain Marvel, coincidentally) who imbues him with superpowers.  Since his foster brother Freddy (Jack Dylan Glazer) knows all about superhero shit (he has a shrine in his room to Superman and Batman), he enlists his help to test out his superpowers.  Trouble brews when the evil Dr. Sivana (Mark Strong), empowered with no less than the Seven Deadly Sins, comes lurking around seeking to drain Billy of his power.

Like the main character, Shazam! seems to be going through an awkward phase.  Long stretches are dark, brooding, and gloomy.  It even threatens to turn into a balls-out horror movie at certain points (which is fitting I guess since it was directed by Annabelle:  Creation’s David F. Sandberg).  Other sequences play like a superhero version of Big (there’s even a direct homage to that film) where a boy trapped in a man’s body takes advantage of being a grown-up (buying beer, going to a strip club, etc.).  These scenes score big laughs, mostly due to the hilarious turn by Levi.  

The superhero scenes are clearly the better, breezier sections.  While the Seven Deadly Sins look better than most generic CGI monsters found in these things (they sort of resemble a stop-motion Harryhausen creation), the scenes where they are unleashed are surprisingly gruesome and a tad unnecessary in what is essentially a kid’s movie.  The tone is out of whack, more so than in Justice League, which tends to keep Shazam! from flying high.

There’s a good message here.  Family is where you find it, and all that.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen before though.  However, the family scenes are held together by the dynamite ensemble cast that help the film over its cliched passages.  

Jarring tonal shifts aside, Sandberg delivers on the superhero mashing.  The scenes of Shazam testing out his powers are quite funny, and the Found Footage shots of Freddy filming Shazam doing superhero shit are kept to a minimum.  The superhero brawls are well done and the finale (which I will not spoil) leaves me hopeful for more Shazams in the near future.

Strong makes for a solid villain.  He’s all business, and Levi makes an excellent foil for his no-nonsense demeanor.  I also enjoyed his scenes with the legendary John Glover who plays Strong’s father.  

The movie really belongs to Levi.  He’s so charming and funny that you kind of forgive the movie for its lapses.  It’s probably not the ideal vehicle for the character as it often uses the premise as an excuse to spoof the genre, but the bottom line is that Shazam! is just plain fun.   

DC Extended Universe Scorecard: 

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****
Man of Steel: ****
Aquaman: *** ½
Wonder Woman: *** ½
Justice League: *** ½
Shazam!:  ***
Suicide Squad: ***

2019 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

Alita:  Battle Angel:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***
Shazam!: ***

THE IMMORTALIZER (1989) **

A quartet of friends out for a night on the town take a shortcut down a dark alley and get kidnapped by a pair of bulky, rubbery-faced henchmen.  The deformed degenerates take the teens to an illicit clinic where the demented doctors put the brains of the rich and old into the bodies of the young and stupid in exchange for big bucks.  One of the teens manages to escape and tries to free his friends before it’s too late.  

The Immortalizer is a typical, no-frills My Friends are in Great Danger and Nobody Will Believe Me movie.  The make-up on the henchman is pretty cool (they kind of look like extras from Neon Maniacs), but the rest of it is fairly standard stuff.  The scenes of our hero trying to convince the cops the clinic is ran by mad scientists are humdrum and are pretty much devoid of tension.  

A lot of this will be overly familiar for anyone who’s ever sat through an ‘80s horror movie.  There are moments here that crib almost directly from Fright Night and Re-Animator (the doctor’s serum glows green, which makes me think Herbert West forgot to patent his rejuvenation methods).  Despite an effective set-up (the reveal of the henchmen works well enough), director Joel Bender is unable to inject any life into the proceedings.  One amusing subplot has the main teen turning to a nosy old neighbor for help.  This leads to a fun scene where she dresses up like an old rich lady and goes to the clinic posing as a prospective client.  Needless to say, it does not end well.  

As far as Joel Bender movies go, this ain’t no Gas Pump Girls.

AKA:  Dr. Immortalizer.  

HOME INVASION (2016) *

Natasha Henstridge is a rich woman whose home is besieged by masked men who break in during a hurricane.  DTV Hall of Famer Scott Adkins is the ringleader of the thieves looking for Natasha’s ex-husband’s hidden loot.  She calls her home security company, and Jason Patric answers the call.  Since the authorities are cut off from the storm, he tries to keep her alive and one step ahead of Adkins and his crew.  

The set-up is simple.  It kind of plays like a mix of The Strangers, Panic Room, and The Call.  In the right hands, it could’ve been a crackling little thriller.  However, thanks to David Tennant’s staid direction, Home Invasion very much feels like a Lifetime Movie.  

I will give this to David Tennant (not the Doctor Who guy):  He gets the show on the road in an efficient manner.  In doing so, he kind of shoots himself in the foot because after that, there’s really nowhere for the movie to go.  The middle section where the thieves go through the house in the dark with flashlights and metal detectors while Henstridge and her kid play hide and seek with them is particularly paced like molasses.  

I watched this because of my immense crush on Henstridge, my love for Adkins, and the fact I dug Patric’s performance in The Prince.  Too bad Henstridge is stuck playing the thankless damsel in distress role who mostly just cowers in fear.  Adkins is hidden behind a shitty mask for much of the movie.  Even when he takes it off, he’s criminally underutilized.  Patric offers a measure of calm intensity, but there’s only so much he can do while talking into a headset and clacking on a keyboard.  

Even as a fan of the three leads, Home Invasion is a dud.  I can see why Scott took the role.  He probably wants to be known for more than just the action roles.  However, his villain character is severely underwritten.  

Ice Man himself, Shawn Ashmore was an executive producer.  

AKA:  Terror Online.  AKA:  Forced Entry.