Friday, February 14, 2020

BERNIE (2012) *** ½


At its heart, director Richard Linklater’s Bernie is a true crime story.  It’s a smart and darkly funny black comedy that caters to the demands of the genre but is told through Linklater’s distinct prism.  He knows that the best true crime movie characters don’t start out as villains.  Part of the fun of the film comes from seeing what drives such a seemingly nice guy like Bernie to murder.

Only Linklater could’ve done a true crime thriller this way.  He uses real townspeople who knew Bernie as interview subjects, much like a documentarian would.  They provide commentary on the action as it unfolds, with actors dramatizing the events.  It’s a perfect blend of reel and real.  It’s part documentary and part re-enactment.  Even though it doesn’t sound like something Linklater would be interested in, the results are very much in his wheelhouse.

Jack Black stars as Bernie, the assistant mortician in a small East Texas town.  Bernie is an unassuming, effeminate, emphatic, and all-around good Christian who is well-loved in the town, especially by the elderly ladies.  Bernie is such a nice guy that he even charms the usually venomous widow (Shirley MacLaine), who eventually takes a shine to him.  She lavishes him with gifts and has him accompany her on expensive trips in exchange for companionship.  Even a nice guy like Bernie has his breaking point though.  As she becomes crueler and her grip more suffocating, Bernie finally snaps and does away with the old broad once and for all.

Black is great as Bernie.  It’s a real showcase for him.  Not only does he get to explore a nice range of comedy and drama, he gets to do a lot of singing too (everything from hymns to showtunes).  It’s Matthew McConaughey who steals the movie though as the overly anxious prosecutor who’s ready to railroad Bernie.  What makes his scenes work is that the townsfolk are all on Bernie’s side, only because they all know just how much of a bitch MacClaine’s character was.  

Speaking of MacLaine, her character is the only real debit as she’s basically one-note.  It’s nothing she hasn’t done in other movies like Guarding Tess or Steel Magnolias.  Maybe if she wasn’t such an old biddy, it would’ve added some moral ambiguity to the picture.  As it is, you’re practically rooting for Bernie to shoot her from the get-go.  Still, that doesn’t detract too much from the overall fun of the movie.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

ADAPTATION. (2002) ***


Nicolas Cage stars in the dual role of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and his identical twin brother Donald in Spike Jonze’s offbeat, absurdist, uneven, but mostly engaging Adaptation.  Crippled by self-doubt and writer’s block, Charlie finds himself unable to adapt the book The Orchid Thief into a screenplay.  When all else fails, he injects himself and his various crises into the story.  That ultimately gets himself in hot water once he finally meets the book’s author (Meryl Streep) and the real-life title character (Chris Cooper).

The scenes of the painfully shy Cage attempting to navigate his everyday life pack a punch.  You really feel for him, especially when you see the people he perceives as lesser talents getting all the accolades while he struggles with his own work.  Cage gives two separate and distinct performances as the introvert Charlie and the gloriously oblivious Donald.  You can always tell who is who because everything from their posture to their mannerisms to their tone of voice is so specific and uniquely their own.  Even though the performances are somewhat exaggerated (heck, Donald is a fictional character to begin with), there is a nugget of truth that runs throughout both performances, which makes them engaging and sympathetic to the audience.

The sections devoted to Streep becoming closer to the subject of her book aren’t nearly as involving.  Both performers do a fine job (Cooper even won an Oscar for his performance), but they just don’t hit the emotional beats that Kaufman’s storyline does.  Once the two plots finally intersect, it’s admittedly fun seeing the way the movie embraces the very clichés that Kaufman has resisted.  However, it just misses sticking the landing.

Still, it’s fun seeing the cast giving such brave performances.  Heck, Susan Orlean, the author of The Orchid Thief must be a helluva good sport (or has a crappy lawyer) to allow herself to be portrayed the way she is here.  Fans of Jonze’s Being John Malkovich (which was also written by Kaufman) will enjoy seeing cameos from that film’s cast and crew, which adds to the surreal vibe of the movie.

Monday, February 10, 2020

HONKY TONK NIGHTS (1978) **


Carol (Head) Doda stars as a former stripper trying to make it big as a country singer.  Carol gets her big break after saloon owner Georgina Spelvin fires the headliner (Serena) after she’s nearly raped by the bar patrons.  Her opening night is ruined when the audience begins chanting, “Take it off!” and a drunk rips the chesty Carol’s top off.  She then tries to regain the courage to go back on stage and sing her heart out.

Honky Tonk Nights is a crude sexploitation flick that cashes in on the country and western craze of the late ‘70s.  Its chief asset is the solid cast of porn starlets and ex-strippers trying to “act” while still getting naked at the drop of a hat.  (Well, Georgina keeps her clothes on, unfortunately.)  I’m not sure if you’ll care about the characters or their various hardships, but Carol and Serena are nude so much throughout the movie that it’s hard to completely dismiss it.  

Director Charles Webb, a vet of dozens of XXX movies basically approaches the material as he would a typical hardcore flick.  He keeps the yakking to a minimum and gets to the sex in short order.  Webb even manages to spice up the not-terrible country singing by introducing a little nudity into the numbers here and there when he can.

Honky Tonk Nights moves at a relatively brisk pace for most of the scant seventy-minute running time.  Too bad things pretty much fall apart in the third act.  The needless subplots involving sabotage at a local stunt show and a crooked businessman trying to steal Spelvin’s bar out from under her bog things down considerably.  Still, as far as “real” movies from porno filmmakers go, you can do much worse.

LOVE CAMP (1981) ****


Love Camp is one of Laura Gemser’s best movies, which is really saying something.  Although she looks breathtaking as usual, much of the credit has to go to Christian Anders, who was a one-man wrecking crew on this flick.   He stars, wrote, produced, directed, performed the music, and even sings the theme song, “Love, Love, Love”.  As far as theme songs from Laura Gemser films go, it’s no “Run, Cheetah, Run”, but it’s a decent little toe-tapper.  There are also two other numbers that have to be seen to be believed.  I guess what I’m getting at here is, this is the best rock n’ roll Kung Fu sex cult fake Emanuelle musical of all time.

Anders plays Dorian, who recruits new members for his love cult by singing “Love, Love, Love” on a beach, putting leis around young girls’ necks, and kissing them on the cheek.  Patricia (Simone Brahmann) is a Senator’s daughter who quickly falls under Dorian’s spell.  Dorian’s goddess is “The Divine One” (the one and only Laura Gemser) who wants to bring Patricia into the fold and steal all her money so she can set up a new, expanded sex cult.  

You see, the place is in financial straits, and in order to fund their operations, Dorian keeps a few girls in a makeshift bordello where customers give “donations” to the cult in exchange for sex.  Meanwhile, inside the walls of the camp, cult members play Ring Around the Rosie naked, paint nude figure models, hold rock concerts, and even practice karate!  Gemser’s real-life husband Gabrielle Tinti is the police inspector working undercover as a cult member who’s trying to bust Gemser and shut the place down.

We all know Gemser is one of the screen’s greatest sex goddesses, but in Love Camp she actually gets to play one.  I especially loved the scene when a couple announces they're monogamous, and the irate Gemser has them whipped!  Later on, when she feels she has failed her God, she even whips herself!  That’s dedication!  Another thing that makes her an ideal goddess is that whenever one of her followers wants to make love to her, she readily plops down and lets them go to town!  Man, give me some of that old-time religion!  That’s not even mentioning the great final scene when she literally goes out with a bang!

Even if Love Camp was nothing more than wall-to-wall fucking and non-stop scenes of Gemser getting naked (which is exactly what it is), it would still be enormously entertaining.  The thing that elevates the film into the ranks of the greatest fake Emanuelle movies of all time is the kitchen sink approach.  The inclusion of the then ripped-from-the-headlines Jim Jones plotline is just macabre enough to give the picture an extra dimension of sleaze.  Then, there are the full-on rock n’ roll numbers that are equal parts patented ridiculousness and flat-out awesomeness.  I guarantee your jaw will drop more than a few times while watching this one.

What I’m getting at is, this is yet another gem from Gemser.  Any Gemser fan worth their salt will want to check it out immediately.  If you’ve never heard of Gemser or seen a fake Emanuelle movie, I highly recommend Love Camp.  It just might change your religion.

AKA:  Divine Emanuelle.  AKA:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Divine Emanuelle:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Death Goddess of the Love Camp.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

THE TOP TEN FILMS OF THE DECADE


1.     mother!

2.     The LEGO Batman Movie

3.     The Expendables 2

4.     Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

5.     Mad Max:  Fury Road

6.     Creed

7.     Creed 2

8.     The Raid

9.     The Nice Guys

10.  Killer Joe

THE TOP TEN FILMS OF 2019


1.     Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood 

2.     Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker 

3.     Dolemite is My Name

4.     3 from Hell 

5.     Rambo:  Last Blood 

6.     Marriage Story 

7.     Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark 

8.     Shaft 

9.     Avengers:  Endgame

10.  Cold Pursuit 


Runner-Up:  The Irishman

THE 2019 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS… AND THE WINNERS ARE…


Okay, moviegoers.  This is it.  Everyone’s favorite day of the year.  You might be thinking I’m talking about that OTHER awards show, but you’re wrong.  We’re talking of course about The 13th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  Unlike most awards show, there’s no filler.  No forced celebrity banter.  No musical numbers.  No annoying acceptance speeches.  Just the best of the best going head to head.  Without further ado, here are your winners…

Best Dialogue

And the nominees are…

The Fanatic for “I can’t talk long.  I got to poo.”
Joker for “My mom died.  I’m celebrating.”
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood for “Anybody accidentally kills anybody in a fight, they go to jail.  It’s called
manslaughter!”
Rambo:  Last Blood for “You can’t change.  All you can do is put a lid on it”
Shaft for “Can’t we just send him a tersely worded text?”

And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!

Best Scene I Could Not Make Up

And the nominees are…

Jeff Fahey playing a grizzled cowboy cyborg with a pack of pet robot hunting dogs in Alita:  Battle Angel
John Wick putting two dozen knives into the same guy in John Wick:  Chapter 3:  Parabellum
Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Rambo pulling out a man’s collarbone in Rambo:  Last Blood

And the winner is… Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!

Best Fight Scene

And the nominees are…

Godzilla vs. Ghidrah in Godzilla:  King of the Monsters
Kylo Ren vs. Black Widow in Marriage Story
Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Kylo Ren and Rey vs. The Emperor in Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker

And the winner is… Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!

Best Kids’ Movie

And the nominees are…

The Addams Family
Dumbo
The LEGO Movie 2:  The Second Part
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans

And the winner is… Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark!

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie

And the nominees are…

Godzilla:  The Planet Eater
The Highwaymen
In the Tall Grass
Triple Frontier
Trading Paint

And the loser is… In the Tall Grass!

Best DTV/Streaming Movie

And the nominees are…

Dolemite is My Name
The Irishman
Marriage Story
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans
Velvet Buzzsaw

And the winner is… Dolemite is My Name!

Best Drama

And the nominees are…

Dragged Across Concrete
The Irishman
Joker
Marriage Story
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!

Best Sequel

And the nominees are…

Avengers:  Endgame
Rambo:  Last Blood
Shaft
Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker
3 from Hell

And the winner is… Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker!

Best Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Alita:  Battle Angel
Avengers:  Endgame
Captain Marvel
Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker
Terminator:  Dark Fate

And the winner is… Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker!

Best Comic Book Movie

And the nominees are…

Alita:  Battle Angel
Avengers:  Endgame
Captain Marvel
Joker
Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans

And the winner is… Avengers:  Endgame!

Best Action Movie

And the nominees are…

Cold Pursuit
Fast and Furious Presents:  Hobbs and Shaw
John Wick:  Chapter 3:  Parabellum
Rambo:  Last Blood
Shaft

And the winner is… Rambo:  Last Blood!

Worst Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Black Christmas
Doctor Sleep
Godzilla:  The Planet Eater
In the Tall Grass
Pet Sematary

And the winner is… In the Tall Grass!

Best Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Crawl
Godzilla:  King of the Monsters
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
3 from Hell
Velvet Buzzsaw

And the winner is… 3 from Hell!

Best Actress

And the nominees are…

Karen Gillan (Avengers:  Endgame)
Linda Hamilton (Terminator:  Dark Fate)
Scarlett Johansson (Marriage Story)
Margot Robbie (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Sheri Moon Zombie (3 from Hell)

And the winner is… Sheri Moon Zombie!

Best Actor

And the nominees are…

Leonardo DiCaprio (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Velvet Buzzsaw)
Eddie Murphy (Dolemite is My Name)
Joaquin Phoenix (Joker)
Brad Pitt (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)

And the winner is… Brad Pitt!

Best Director

And the nominees are…

J.J. Abrams (Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker)
Craig Brewer (Dolemite is My Name)
Martin Scorsese (The Irishman)
Quentin Tarantino (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)
Rob Zombie (3 from Hell)

And the winner is… Quentin Tarantino!

Worst Picture

And the nominees are…

Black Christmas
Godzilla:  The Planet Eater
In the Tall Grass
Trading Paint
Triple Frontier

And the loser is… In the Tall Grass!

Best Picture

And the nominees are…

Dolemite is My Name
Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood
Rambo:  Last Blood
Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker
3 from Hell

And the winner is… Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood!

It looks like Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood is the big winner with seven Viddie Awards!  I’ll be sure to post my complete Ten Best Films of the Year List, as well as my Ten Best Films of the Decade List soon.  Thanks to everyone who supports, reads, and influences this site on a day-to-day basis.  I can’t wait to see what next year brings us!