PARADISE CITY (2022) ** ½

I’ve been kind of avoiding watching Bruce Willis’ final run of DTV films because it’s a little depressing seeing his slow and sad decline due to aphasia.  However, I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to see Bruce teamed with his Pulp Fiction co-star, John Travolta one last time.  Add the always reliable Stephen Dorff in the mix, and I’m all over it. 

Bruce plays a bounty hunter who is killed while trying to bring in a criminal.  His son (Blake Jenner) investigates and teams up with Bruce’s former partner (Dorff) to get to the heart of the matter.  Seems a shady businessman (Travolta) is running islanders off their land so he can make a big real estate deal.  Naturally, it’s up to Jenner and Dorff to stop him. 

Director Chuck (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3) Russell (who also helmed Travolta’s I am Wrath) is a step up from your average DTV hack, so this feels more like a theatrical release than some of Bruce’s other recent flicks.  Russell takes advantage of the sunny Maui locations, which also help enhance the production.  The plot and action lands somewhere between been-there-done that and perfectly acceptable, but the cast keep it afloat for the most part. 

Even though Willis and Travolta are all over the poster, it’s Dorff and Jenner who do the majority of the heavy lifting.  Heck, even Dorff is out of commission for a good chunk of the movie.  That means a lot of the film falls on Jenner’s shoulders, and while he is OK, the scenes where he is front and center are easily the weakest in the film.  It was, however, an unexpected pleasure to see DTV vet Branscombe Richmond popping up as a politician. 

Travolta has fun chewing the scenery.  He seems to be embracing his bald era, and he gives the movie a pulse when he’s on screen.  Bruce is doing the best he can under the circumstances, but he definitely seems to be struggling in some scenes.  He did have more screen time than I was expecting, and it’s fun seeing him interact with Travolta, however briefly. 

The plot twists are predictable, but Russell keeps things moving at a decent clip.  There are enough quirky touches here to keep you amused.  For instance, I liked the fact our hero turns to strippers to see what the word on the street is, seeing how bad guys often blab while getting lap dances.  There’s also nice little nod to Face/Off too.  Whether it was intentional or otherwise, I’m not sure. 

To sum up, if you’re reading a review of Paradise City, then you’re probably the kind of person who would watch it.  As recent DTV action flicks go, it’s a hair better than average.  Viewed as one of Bruce’s last films, it likewise trends higher than the rest of the pack.  Fans of Willis and Travolta who know what they’re getting themselves into should be pleased.

THE CONJURING: LAST RITES (2025) ***

The husband-and-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are now retired and trying to devote their time to their family.  They are called out of retirement when a family is tormented by a haunted mirror.  Since Lorraine previously tangled with the cursed object when she was pregnant eighteen years ago, that can only mean one thing:  It wants her daughter Judy (Mia Tomlinson). 

This is supposedly the “final” installment of the series, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  While it certainly feels like the end of the Warrens’ story, I have a feeling they will be able to squeeze more blood from this stone, especially considering this was the series’ biggest box office hit.  I mean, it ends with Ed handing the keys to the franchise to his new son in-law, so I imagine they filmmakers will pull some kind of Next Generation-type shit in the near future. 

Director Michael Chaves has been responsible for some of the worst (The Curse of La Llorona and The Devil Made Me Do It) and best (The Nun 2 and this installment) entries in the series.  While it does have more than its fair share of long scenes where people wander down darkened hallways investigating spooky noises and/or scary whispers, the film contains everything from possessions to ghosts to axe murderers, so it keeps you entertained the whole way through.  We also get a great puking scene, a cool bit with a giant Annabelle doll, and a funny moment where the Warrens are giving a lecture and people keep asking questions about Ghostbusters

Chaves also delivers some solidly executed sequences, such as a girl using a VCR to find the ghost in a home movie or when Judy is trying on a wedding gown in a room full of mirrors.  The scenes with the Warrens and their daughter are well-crafted too and give the film an emotional core the previous sequels lacked.  The moments fleshing out her relationship with her and her fiancé aren’t merely filler but help make us care about them.  Ed and Lorraine’s interactions are endearing too.  That’s partially because Wilson and Farmiga have been together for so long in these movies that you almost feel like you’re watching a real married couple by now. 

Like most Conjuring films, Last Rites runs on too long (well over two hours).  There’s also a scene with some CGI blood that looks hella fakey.  However, the dramatic meat is much stronger in this entry, which makes it a shade better than your average installment.  If Wilson and Farmiga bow out and make way for their daughter to take on the franchise, I’d say this would be a fine moment to do so gracefully.  I wouldn’t fault them for returning though. 

The Conjuring Universe Scorecard: 

The Nun 2:  *** ½ 

The Conjuring:  ***

The Conjuring:  Last Rites:  ***

Annabelle Comes Home:  ***

Annabelle:  Creation:  ** ½ 

The Conjuring 2:  **

The Nun:  **

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It:  * ½ 

The Curse of La Llorona:  *

Annabelle:  ½ *

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (2025) ** ½

The Silent Night, Deadly Night series has been generally fun, even if it's had more than its fair share of ups and downs.  The first remake was more entertaining than your typical rehashes and I honestly thought that was going to be the final word on the franchise.  Lo and behold, here’s another one, and just in time for Christmas, no less. 

This new Silent Night Deadly Night, is kind of a good news, bad news scenario.  For every thing the movie does right, it inevitably makes a misstep.  However, it has enough highlights to appease horror fans.  It’s not the merriest of Christmases to be sure, but no one should walk away feeling like they got coal in their stocking either. 

The framework of the remake is the same as the original.  When Billy (Halloween Ends’ Rohan Campbell) was a kid, he witnessed his parents murdered by a killer Santa Claus.  He then grows up to be a Killer Santa butchering people he deems “naughty”. 

This remake introduces an odd wrinkle into the proceedings.  This Billy is more like a mix of Dexter and Venom.  You see, in the original, he just “punished” those who were “naughty”.  As in, people who fucked.  In this one, he only murders out and out killers while being egged on by the gravelly voiced ghost of the Santa who also killed his parents. 

Those wanting an honest to goodness Killer Santa movie may be disappointed as there’s a lot of extra rigmarole gumming up the works.  That said, when the movie hits the sweet spot of gory carnage and inspired lunacy, it’s fun.  I’m thinking specifically of the over-the-top scene where Billy crashes a Nazi Christmas party (“Here’s to a white power Christmas!”) and hacks up racists with an axe.  It’s fun, silly, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen anything quite like it. 

The rest of the movie is a tad frustrating.  The scenes with Billy’s love interest, played by Ruby Modine (who incredibly enough, matches his crazy) isn’t bad, but you can see where their relationship is heading from a mile away.  The stuff with Billy contending with the voice in his head are hit-and-miss too, and the way they try to make him sympathetic doesn’t always work either.  (As fun as the aforementioned Nazi Christmas party is, it seems like much too easy of a way to have you side with Billy.)

The nods to the original series are fun.  (The use of one of the Christmas songs from the first movie got a big smile from me.)  It’s not great, but it’s ultimately no more uneven than the later sequels.  I guess it just comes down to what you want from a Killer Santa movie and/or Silent Night, Deadly Night remake.  If it wasn’t called Silent Night, Deadly Night or had it been a completely original film, I may have really dug it.  However, when you hitch your star to the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise, comparisons are going to be inevitable.  All that being said, this might be the case where I catch it on TV in a few years and, divorced from my expectations, I wind up enjoying it more the second time around. 

THE FANTASTIC FOUR: FIRST STEPS (2025) ***

The superhero team The Fantastic Four are about to welcome a new addition to their family when The Invisible Woman (Vanessa Kirby) finds out she’s pregnant.  The world stops on a dime when the Silver Surfer (Julia Garner) arrives and heralds the coming of Galactus (Ralph Ineson), an evil space entity what wants to devour Earth.  Mr. Fantastic (Pedro Pascal) and the team try to reason with Galactus, who offers them a compromise:  Hand over their unborn child and he’ll spare the planet. 

For a movie with the subtitle “First Steps”, it sure gets off to a shaky start.  Since there’s already been four Fantastic Four films, this new version is keen on not rehashing a lot of the previous versions (although it features the same basic story as Rise of the Silver Surfer) or lingering too long on an origin story (which is wrapped up in a brief 60 Minutes-style TV special at the beginning of the film).  That is a bit of a mixed blessing though as the first act often feels like it’s moving in fast forward.  It would’ve been nice to let things breathe a little bit while we were getting to know these iterations of the characters. 

Once the team’s baby Franklin is introduced, the movie improves.  Thanks to the increased stakes, the film becomes rather engrossing.  Kirby is especially good once her motherly instincts kick in, and her speech to an angry mob lands surprisingly well.  Joseph Quinn is solid as The Human Torch, who is allowed to be kind of smart in this one while still keeping his smartass posture.  Ebon Moss-Bachrach is pretty good too as The Thing, and I liked his scenes with Natasha Lyonne, even if they weren’t fleshed out all that well.  Pascal is fine as Mr. Fantastic.  He captures the egghead side of his personality well enough, but he still feels a bit miscast even if he isn’t necessarily bad in the role. 

Despite some quibbles, there is plenty to enjoy here.  The scene where Sue used her invisibility powers to show Reed their baby growing inside her was surprisingly moving.  I also liked how The Thing called Reed “Stretch”.  The retro futurism of the film might be its biggest selling point.  The fact that it’s set in the ‘60s makes the inventions in the Baxter Building look like something out of those old “Kitchen of Tomorrow” cartoons, and the inclusion of the team’s robot pal H.E.R.B.I.E. was an amusing addition.  Not only does the movie take place in the ‘60s, it’s set in an entirely different Multiverse, which allows it to do its own thing without being tied heavily to the MCU stuff. 

Sure, I could nitpick here and there.  I honestly wasn’t crazy about the new Silver Surfer or the fact that Reed sports a Clark Gable mustache, but that’s mere surface stuff really.  I for one missed the goofy tone and humor of the ‘00s versions, but this is a perfectly acceptable redo. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Fantastic Four:  First Steps:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Thunderbolts*:  ** ½ 

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Once again, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast.  The subject was the Debbie Rochon yuletide horror flick, Santa Claws, but naturally I used the opportunity to talk about my favorite Christmas horror classic, Elves!  Give it a listen here:  DTVC Podcast 241, "Santa Claws… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts

THE HEAD MISTRESS (1968) ****

An old gardener at an all-girls school retires.  A young stud named Mario (Victor Brandt) replaces him and pretends to be a little on the slow side to get the job.  Really, he just wants to get an eyeful of all the young maidens running around the school grounds.  Meanwhile, the sexy head mistress (Marsha Jordan) is busy making time with the student body… and what a body these students have!

From the kings of sexploitation writer/producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman and director Byron (A Smell of Honey, a Swallow of Brine) Mabe, The Head Mistress is an enormously fun bit of ‘60s skin.  From the outset, it looks like it’s going to be one of those “respectable” pictures that actually has a plot and actresses in period costumes.  Fortunately for the audience, those costumes don’t stay on the actresses for very long.  In fact, part of the fun is seeing how thoroughly unrespectable the movie becomes the further it goes along. 

Marsha (Prison Girls) Jordan is a blast as the title character.  She’s great in her tender scenes while she’s seducing her students (we never see anyone attend class, but that’s beside the point), but once she gets all hot and bothered and starts tying them up and whipping them, look out!  Invitation to Ruin’s Julia Blackburn (billed humorously as “Bermuda Schwartz”), Gee Gentell (who has a hot bubble bath scene), and Samantha Scott all make memorable impressions as the nubile coeds. 

The T & A is quite special.  Schoolgirls have sex, take baths, have picnics while topless, take literal and figurative rolls in the hay, and generally spend a lot of time with their goodies on display.  Also, there’s quite a bit of foot stuff here for fans of that kind of action. 

If the movie was merely content on being a skin showcase, it still would’ve been highly recommended.  However, it becomes increasingly unhinged in the second half and it’s here where The Head Mistress really shines.  One insane bit has a co-ed learning she’s pregnant and hanging herself.  Then, one of her classmates finds the body hanging there and… uh… let’s just say she proceeds to get intimate with her.  Fortunately, the camera cuts away before it gets icky, but the mere suggestion of what’s going down is rather jaw dropping. 

There’s even a surprising bit of gore too.  I mean wait till you learn why the movie is called The “HEAD” Mistress.  It might not be what you’re picturing.  I totally didn’t think it would venture into Evil Dead type territory, especially when it played like your average skin flick in the early going.  Then again, that’s one of the many joys of the movie.  You never know where it’s going next.

Also amusing is the fact that the two main male characters are named Mario and Luigi!

In short, fans of ‘60s sexploitation are sure to give The Head Mistress high marks. 

AKA:  The Head Lady.

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 2: WHAT KEEPS PARENTS AWAKE AT NIGHT (1975) ** ½

A reporter appears on camera and tells the audience the producers had no intention of making a sequel to Schoolgirl Report but the “overwhelming response from viewers” forced them to make another one.   As before, the film is broken up into several “fictionalized” vignettes.  There’s also man on the street interviews sandwiched in between the vignettes where women are asked about their sexual mores and preferences.

Segment  #1 (***):  Sexy schoolgirls tease their science teacher while he does a lesson about how friction between two bodies causes a “tingly sensation”.  They then set out to blackmail and seduce him.  This sequence has a fun and playful set-up, and the ladies are quite sexy (and funny) too.  However, it all ends on a tragic note. 

Segment #2 (***):  Some teens explore their blossoming sexuality in a barn before they get busted by a cop.  This one has a nice blend of the awkwardness and innocence that’s inherent in sexual exploration.  Unfortunately, like young love itself, it climaxes abruptly. 

Segment #3 (** ½):  Two teenage girls say, “Fuck school!  We want to be free!” and run away from home.  They soon learn they have to use their bodies to survive on the streets.  Despite a promising start, there’s not much of an ending to this segment. 

Segment #4 (** ½):  This sequence is a humorous affair.  A young couple try to lose their virginity in the woods when a farmer steals their clothes.  This one is short and sweet.  Maybe too short as the ending just sort of fizzles out. 

Segment #5 (**):  A girl is brought home by two degenerates who shoot her up with heroin and rape her.  This segment is brief and depressing, but there is at least one great line of dialogue when the hoods shoot up smack and say, “Whoever invented this should get a medal!”

Segment #6 (***):  A teen is tricked into posing nude for a photographer.  (“Half-dressed is porn.  Total nudity is natural!”)  Later her friends follow suit.  This one is a return to the more playful segments earlier in the film.  The photo shoot scene is fun and even a bit arty too. 

Segment  #7 (***):  A young girl is set up by her friends to lose her virginity to a real “stud” who winds up being a virgin too.  Meanwhile, the other girls try to bribe a cabbie into stripping.  Here's another sequence that finds the right blend of innocence and sexy fun that I wish was more prevalent throughout the film. 

Segment #8 (** ½):  A teen girl seduces her math tutor.  When her father catches them in the act, he has him thrown in jail.  She then attempts suicide.  While this is the darkest entry, it ends with a plea for tolerance and understanding when it comes to girls experimenting with their sexuality, which softens the blow a bit. 

Segment #9 (** ½):  This one is not exploitative and plays like a German version of an American After School Special.  The parents of a teenage girl freak out when they learn she’s pregnant.  Once the baby comes, they have embraced their role as grandparents.  Although it's kind of sweet, it makes for a disappointing ending.  I guess with so much excess here, the filmmakers wanted to end things on an upbeat note. 

AKA:  Schoolgirl’s Report ’75.  AKA:  Schoolgirls’ Report:  Why Parents Lose Their Sleep.  AKA:  Further Confessions of a Sixth Form Girl.