JAMES BANDE 00 SEX (1982) **

This French porno spoof of James Bond starts off with a dude getting a blow job while working out on a rowing machine.  The funny this is he doesn’t stop working out.  He keeps rowing back and forth while the chick bobs up and down on his knob.  That’s what I call dedication to your workout regimen.  I have to admit, I couldn’t get into this scene because I kept thinking he was going to accidentally smack her in the back of the head while she was going down on him. 

Even though I had the benefit of subtitles, I am still hard pressed to remember the plot.  There is a meeting between super spy James Bande (Guy Royer) with his “M” like female superior who gives him his mission, but most of the time is spent on them having a three-way with her secretary.  (The unnecessary fly-eye lens during the blow job scene kind of ruins the fun.)

In one scene where he does some actual spying, he just looks through a pair of binoculars on a couch and sees a couple doing it.  He doesn’t even look out the window or anything.  He just holds them up to his eyes and we assume he’s got Superman vision or something.  Even better is the fact that it looks like the couple he’s spying on is in the same room!

The humor is pretty lame, like when Bande scuba dives and comes up for air in a bathtub where interrupts a woman who’s masturbating.  Another humorous scene has a pair of sunbathing ladies having a poolside lesbian session in broad daylight until they accidentally roll down the hill in the interlocked 69 position. 

I guess I could abide a James Bond porno spoof that wasn’t funny and didn’t really satirize the series directly if the sex scenes were hot, but they aren’t very good either.  One potentially steamy scene where Bande and a buddy bang a bimbo is ruined by close-ups of their constant mugging while she is going down on them.  The scene with the lesbians who become horny while playing a board game and proceed to 69 starts with promise, although it ends much too quickly to be very satisfying. 

The only memorable scenes happen at the very end.  The first is when the villain uses a gun on a captive female as a marital aid and the other… uh… comes when Bande disarms a henchwoman by cumming in her face.  (Which is blue for some reason.)  Sadly, oddball moments like these are few and far between. 

If you’re watching this to get off, you’ll probably wind up with a case of Thunderballs. 

AKA:  Clemintine.  AKA:  Clemintine 006.

SWAMP THING (1982) ** ½

After the success of Superman, DC tried to kickstart another comic book franchise, with mixed results.  While Swamp Thing isn’t exactly bad, it’s kind of an odd duck.  Despite the pedigree of horror maestro Wes Craven behind the camera, and a who’s who of genre vets in supporting roles, it never quite gels. 

Doctor Holland (Ray Wise) is performing experiments in the swamp when the evil Arcane (Louis Jourdan) steals his work and sets his lab (and Holland) ablaze.  In the fire, Holland’s formula grafts onto his body and turns him into the rubbery looking Swamp Thing.  Arcane wants the formula for himself, so he sets a trap for him by using Holland’s associate Cable (Adrienne Barbeau) as bait. 

Craven tones down his usual horror instincts and takes an overly comic books approach, which is only occasionally successful.  The comic book transitions are a little too on the nose, as if to wink to the audience and say, “Hey guys!  It's just like a comic book!”  Even the straightforward attempts at horror wind up being a little goofy and don’t really land.  Conversely, the score by Harry Manfredini works overtime trying to sound like a horror film, which doesn’t quite match the action on screen.  (It often sounds like outtakes from his score to Friday the 13th.)

The Swamp Thing suit often looks phony baloney too.  You can see the seams, and the rubber bends and bulges when he walks around.  He looks much better from afar and he takes on a Bigfoot kind of mystique when he runs around the swamp in long shots.  Maybe if he had been kept in the shadows, it might’ve been a different story, but in brightly lit scenes, it looks like a monster from a ‘50s movie.  The final Arcane monster is particularly silly looking. 

That said, it still remains reasonably enjoyable, even if the film never lives up to its potential.  Barbeau is fun as the spunky and resourceful heroine.  Craven’s Last House on the Left leading man David Hess makes a memorable impression as Jourdan’s right-hand man, as does Nicholas Worth as another one of his armed guards.  Jourdan makes for an appropriately smarmy villain, but it’s Reggie Batts (in his only film role) who steals the movie as Barbeau’s wisecracking sidekick. 

Ultimately, I think Jim Wynorski embraced the camp factor much more successfully with the sequel, The Return of Swamp Thing.  (The Swamp Thing suit looked a lot better in that one too.)  The TV series which soon followed did a better job with the horror elements and mood.  This one sort of falls in between those efforts in terms of tone.  Overall, it’s not one of Craven’s best, but it’s an interesting enough attempt of a horror master trying to go mainstream. 

Kudos to the folks at MVD for releasing the mythical unrated version.  This edition contains some extra nudity from not only Barbeau but a few random belly dancers as well.  It’s nothing to get your heart racing or anything, but it at least gives the film a bit more edge. 

HEAVY METAL (1981) *** ½

Ivan Reitman produced this dazzling, sophomoric, and fun animated adaptation of the popular magazine.  Like most anthology movies, some segments are better than others.  However, there isn’t a bad story in the bunch.  Of course, the copious amounts of animated T & A doesn’t hurt either.

The wraparound segments, entitled “Soft Landing” (***) are probably the weakest part, but they’re still pretty good.  An astronaut brings a glowing orb home as a gift for his daughter.  After vaporizing dear old dad, the orb tells the girl about its previous incarnations. 

“Harry Canyon” (***) is the first official story.  The eponymous cab driver ekes out a living in futuristic New York City.  His world is turned upside down when he meets a woman whose father discovered the orb.  She’s on the run from sinister agents who want the orb and Harry tries to help her out of a jam. 

This segment has a fun, futuristic film noir feel.  (Harry’s hardboiled narration would be at home in a ‘40s detective movie.)  The voice acting by Richard Romanus is good and the New York cityscape looks cool, but the ending kind of fizzles out. 

The next sequence is “Den” (****).  A nerdy boy gets whisked away to another planet by the orb.  The kid transforms into a bald barbarian and sets out to rescue (and bed) a hot, perpetually naked woman. 

This one is the best of the bunch.  It has a perfect measure of self-parody while still giving fans what they want to see, namely cool monsters, gore, and naked chicks.  John Candy’s voice work is terrific in this and his running commentary on the action is often hilarious. 

“Captain Sternn” (***) follows.  It’s a courtroom drama about a slimy space captain on trial for numerous offenses.  He thinks a key witness (who is possessed by the orb) will help him out of his jam, and he’s right… to a point.

This one isn’t quite as strong as the other segments.  It’s kind of slight and lightweight.  On the plus side, the ending is a lot of fun, and John Vernon is great as the voice of the grouchy prosecutor. 

Then, it’s horror-tinged “B-17” (****).  An American bomber takes on enemy fire during a mission.  When one of the pilots goes to assess the damage, he is horrified to learn that a green glowing light has turned his fallen comrades into skeletal zombies. 

This segment, written by Alien’s Dan O’Bannon, is a wonderful mood piece.  It’s scary and atmospheric and would fit right at home in an episode of Tales from the Crypt.  It’s also just different enough from the other stories to feel like a breath of fresh air. 

“So Beautiful and So Dangerous” (***) is next.  A Pentagon secretary is abducted by aliens flying around in a smiley face spaceship.  A horny robot quickly turns her on to the joy of automaton lovemaking, but will their relationship be able to stand the test of time?

This story is lightweight, but it gets plenty of big laughs.  That’s largely due to John Candy’s voice acting as the Casanova droid.  Harold Ramis and Eugene Levy are pretty funny as the drug-addled aliens, but their scenes almost feel like they came out of another sequence entirely. 

The final story is “Taarna” (***).  A green goo turns a guy into an evil dictator, and he sets about to take over the planet.  The people’s last hope is a brave (and half naked) warrior woman who flies around in a pterodactyl. 

Trippy visuals and sexy women highlight this tale.  It more or less gives you everything you want from something like this.  The only downside is it runs on a bit too long. 

Overall, Heavy Metal is a lot of fun.  It gleefully caters to adolescent fantasies and features copious amounts of gratuitous violence and T & A.  Although the soundtrack is quite good, there’s only one song in there that I’d consider “Heavy Metal”.  (Journey’s “Open Arms” is about the farthest thing you can get to heavy metal.)  Still, that’s a minor nitpick as the movie more or less… uh… rocks. 

Heavy Metal 2000 followed nineteen years later. 

D'WILD WILD WENG (1982) *** ½

You loved him in For Your Height only playing the diminutive Secret Agent 00.  Now, everyone’s favorite two-foot nine Pilipino action star Weng Weng is back, this time in the outrageous Kung Fu Western, D’Wild Wild Weng.  Of all the Weng Weng movies I’ve seen, this one might be my favorite. 

Weng stars as Mr. Weng, who along with his Kung Fu fighting pal, Gordon (Max Laurel) are on their way to Santa Monica.  They soon learn the place is overrun by the evil Sebastian (Romy Diaz) and his gang of ruffians.  It then falls on Mr. Weng and Gordon to liberate the town. 

There are some things I never thought I’d see in my lifetime but can be found in this movie:  A remake of The Magnificent Seven starring a little person.  (It’s more like The Magnificent 1 ½.)  A flashback told by a man with no tongue.  A Native American tribe comprised of little people.  Folks, this movie has everything:  Mexican banditos dressed like Slow Poke Rodriguez, Ninjas, and an ending that features the hero sneaking into the enemy camp when his sidekick throws him over the wall like a human lawn dart.  Also, Weng Weng has Kung Fu training montages set to mariachi music. 

And get this:  Weng Weng SINGS!  Remember that scene in For Your Height Only when Weng Weng flew around using a jet pack?  Well, somehow this scene manages to be even more unbelievable. 

D’Wild Wild Weng exists in a weird time warp, which adds to the charm.  At first, it looks like it’s set in the Old West, but about halfway through we see someone riding around in a dune buggy.  The fact that Samurais and Ninjas are also in league with the villain just adds to the WTF factor. 

Once again, Weng Weng throws himself into his fight scenes with gusto.  He kicks lots of ass as he uses his height difference to his advantage.  He even performs his own crazy stunts (where could they possibly find a double?), which gives many of his scenes a Jackie Chan kind of vibe.  Sure, the film starts to stall here and there in the second act, but overall, this is a jaw-dropping good time. 

THEY CALL ME SUPERSEVEN (2016) ** ½

They Call Me Superseven is a mildly amusing spoof of ‘60s superhero and spy movies.  In fact, the hero, Superseven (Jerry Kokich) dresses exactly like Superargo from Superargo and the Faceless Giants.  The film is separated into “acts” that make it feel like chapters from an old Saturday morning serial, but it’s actually taken from episodes of a web series that I somehow missed. 

Superseven is a secret agent for T.H.E.M. out to recruit the sexy Sandra West (Olivia Dunkley) for the organization.  Together, they set out to stop the evil crime syndicate T.H.E.Y.  When T. H.E.Y. kidnaps Sandra, it’s up to Superseven to rescue her.  Oh, and did I mention that in addition to being a super spy, he’s also a part time actor and singing star? 

Since El Santo was one of the inspirations for our hero (and also appears on a TV), there is talk about Superseven previously fighting werewolves, vampires, and zombies.  Honestly, I would’ve rather seen that instead of watching him in a low budget spy comedy, but that’s just personal preference talking.  Overall, it’s not bad and has some entertaining moments, but even at eighty-one minutes, it still feels padded as it has a few unnecessary flashbacks and dream scenes. 

Kokich, Dunkley, and Anne Leighton who plays Sparky, Superseven’s faithful mechanic (and gadget maker) are all quite good and their performances help make up for some of the budgetary lapses.  I also liked how they incorporated footage from the old Superargo movies for some of the action scenes.  The finale, where he fights the villainess “Thunderpussy” (Michelle Jubilee Gonzalez) and her sexy henchwomen at Bronson Canyon is fun too.  (Superseven’s absolute refusal to say her full name gives the movie its biggest laugh.)

I didn’t realize this was actually part of a web series when I sat down to watch it.  In fact, it’s actually the final chapter in a trilogy of features that have been edited together.  That explains why the flashback montage has a bunch of scenes not in the movie.  Quite honestly, it’s not like you’re missing much if you haven’t seen the others.  While They Call Me Superseven is fairly enjoyable, it’s missing a certain spark to make it truly a worthwhile satire.  That said, if you’re a fan of the kinds of movies being spoofed, you’ll probably enjoy it about as much as I did. 

FUTURE ZONE (1990) ** ½

David Carradine returned (this time with an earring) for this uneven, but mildly entertaining sequel to Future Force.  He gets saddled with a young hotshot partner played by Ted Prior (brother of the director, David A. Prior) and together they investigate a bombing.  Ted has a Big Secret he’s just dying to tell David, but I’m sure you’ll figure out what it is before the second reel. 

The screenwriters mixed in a little bit of Terminator-style time travel for this one, although they never really take full advantage of the potential.  Also, where the Hell is the “Future Zone” of the title?  Did they just call it that because they thought it sounded cool?  (Admittedly, it kinda does.)

Carradine and Prior have an easygoing chemistry with one another and the film is at its best when they are on screen together.  The highlight comes when they have a big brawl, which is sort of their version of the They Live alley fight scene.  Sadly, Carradine’s solo scenes aren’t as much fun as they lack the silly charm of the original.  The great Charles Napier pops up too as a crooked politician, even though he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Carradine’s real life wife, Gail Jensen also appears playing his on-screen spouse. 

Even though this sequel has more Sci-Fi elements, the budget feels cheaper this time around.  Once again, Carradine has the Power Glove that shoots lightning, but he keeps it locked up for much of the picture.  Although the glove scenes are limited to the opening and closing action sequences, it does blow up a helicopter in the end, so there’s that. 

Even though it falls short of its predecessor in nearly every way, Future Zone remains a fitfully amusing good time.  The scant seventy-nine minutes running time helps, and Prior keeps the action moving so that you never really have time to linger on the film’s flaws.  The hilariously overwrought score is good for a few laughs too. 

AKA:  Future Force 2.

FUTURE FORCE (1989) ***

In the near future, crime is out of control.  The government creates a private police force called Civilian Operated Police Systems (C.O.P.S. for short) to deal with the chaos.  That means cops like David Carradine are now basically a cross between an independent contractor and a bounty hunter.  

Really, the long-winded exposition is just an excuse to give us Wild West style shootouts on regular looking city streets rather than one horse towns, or sometimes in titty bars instead of old timey saloons.  Oh, and did I mention Carradine wears a Power Glove-inspired gauntlet that shoots lasers?

Anyway, the plot has a news anchor who is about to do a story on the crooked head of the C.O.P.S.  He doesn’t like that she’s been poking her nose in his illegal affairs, so he rigs the system and puts a bounty out on her.  Carradine arrests her, and soon after, not only are the bad guys after them, but so are all the C.O.P.S. who are looking to collect the bounty. 

Directed by David A. Prior for Action International Pictures, Future Force is silly fun.  Couple the Power Glove rip-off with Carradine’s trademark world-weariness and deadpan delivery, and you have a recipe for a breezy and cheezy beer and pizza movie.  It almost plays like a futuristic version of Wanted:  Dead or Alive and has some truly funny touches along the way (like the head of one of the crime syndicates being a priest).  I also dug the fact that all the C.O.P.S. dressed like extras from a biker movie. 

The highlight of the hilarity comes at the climax when Carradine battles Mr. Clean himself, Robert Tessier in a junkyard.  Down but not out, Carradine grabs the remote on his Power Glove and makes it fly around by itself and beat Tessier to a pulp.  In a word… Cinema. 

Carradine equips himself nicely here.  It’s hard to think of many actors who could sell this sort of silliness with a straight(ish) face and make it work.  Tessier (in one of his final roles) is also fun as the villain’s right-hand man.  Also in the mix is Fred Olen Ray regular (and ex-wife) Dawn Wildsmith, as the lone C.O.P. who remains loyal to Carradine. 

A sequel, Future Zone followed the next year. 

AKA:  C.O.P.S.