VOYAGE INTO SPACE (1970) ***

If you are unfamiliar with Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot, it was one of the better giant robot TV shows to come out of Japan.  After the show ran its course, AIP pasted together a couple of episodes, dubbed it into English, and packaged it as a TV movie called Voyage into Space… Despite the fact that nobody voyages into space. 

Johnny is a little boy who along with a secret agent “U3” stumbles upon a giant robot (named… uh… “Giant Robot”) in a hidden lair.  Johnny takes command of the robot and orders it to go into battle with the "Gargoyle Gang", a bunch of space Nazis who work for Emperor Guillotine.  Johnny and Robo are then made members of “Unicorn”, a top-secret agency who thwart alien attacks.  Along the way, “Giant Robot” does battle with a tentacled sea monster, a giant bowling ball, a killer plant, a big dog monster with silver dreadlocks, and a huge eyeball before taking on Emperor Guillotine, Mano y Roboto. 

Giant Robot is a cool dude.  He kind of looks like a mix of Ultraman, the Golem, and King Tut.  The battles are a lot of fun too, and the effects run the gamut from delightfully silly to straight-up horrible.  And by “straight-up horrible”, I mean I freaking loved it. 

A lot of this plays strictly as juvenile wish fulfillment.  If you start asking questions like “where’s Johnny's parents” or “shouldn’t Johnny be in school today” or “why is Johnny taking a cruise by himself” or “how can Johnny fly a jet pack with zero instructional training”, you won’t last ten minutes with this thing.  The “entire TV series condensed into ninety minutes” pacing is sometimes erratic too, but that also means you don’t have to wait long till the next giant robot battle. 

One thing that sets this film/show apart from the rest of the pack is the high level of violence.  There are lots of shootouts and henchmen often get mowed down by the heroes’ gunfire.  Heck, even Johnny gets shot at one point.  I can’t think of many other kid’s shows that have the balls to shoot their juvenile lead.  (Even if it was all a ruse to trick the villains.)  All in all, Voyage into Space is great fun. 

ALIEN: ROMULUS (2024) * ½

The Disney-produced Alien:  Romulus is reminiscent of the Disney-produced Star Wars movies.  It feels like it was made to milk an IP first and tell a story second.  And by “tell a story” I mean “rehash a lot of the past films and sprinkle in generous portions of fan service”.  The new Star Wars films worked, mostly because they were able to create memorable new characters.  This new Alien flick has no such luxury. 

The film takes place in between Alien and Aliens.  I only mention the timeline because the movie is keen to remind you about it too as these are the films that it is heavily referencing.  (There are also nods to Prometheus and most surprisingly, Alien:  Resurrection.)  However, it brings nothing new to the table but rehashed leftovers and unnecessary fan service.  (The callbacks and call forwards elicit more groans than anything.)

A team of young scavengers decide to steal from a derelict ship.  Naturally, the ship belongs to “The Company” and it just happens to be crawling with facehuggers.  Before long, they are latching onto the crew, who quickly give birth to Aliens. 

Not only is director and co-writer Fede Alvarez ripping off the first two Alien movies, he’s doing a riff on his own flick, Don’t Breathe.  Instead of thieves foolishly breaking into a house and getting more than they bargained for, it’s thieves foolishly breaking into a spaceship and getting more than they bargained for.  This isn’t bad in theory, especially since I consider Don’t Breathe to be a modern classic.  It’s just that the whole movie feels stale, and Alvarez is unsuccessful at finding ways to tweak the old cliches.  The gratuitous fan service further takes you out of the movie and the inclusion of a surprise character from a previous installment is baffling and shoddily handled. 

Oh, and if you thought the characters in Prometheus were dumb, wait till you see this.  Heck, the people in this movie come perilously close to making the characters in AVP:  Requiem look like Harvard grads.  I can typically forgive idiocy in horror movies, but it’s hard to turn a blind eye when they are insufferable idiots like the ones found here. 

The best part of the film winds up being the most frustrating.  Without spoiling things, I’ll just say that trying to connect things back to Prometheus was an ambitious touch.  It’s just that it occurs at the eleventh hour, and there’s no way to properly flesh out the ideas it sets in motion.  In turn, we wind up with a finale that not only feels rushed and tacked on, but one that feels woefully underwhelming too.  (It tries to mix the goo of Prometheus with the oddball oddities of Resurrection with inept results.)

I will say the practical Alien effects are quite good.  It’s just a shame we never get to see much of the carnage it creates.  The Alien has always been a fascinating creature, mostly because of its life cycle.  With a script like this, it’s clear Romulus should’ve stayed in the incubation phase. 

KILLING VS. THE FLYING MAN (1967) *** ½

After loving Killing in Istanbul, I was eager to check this sequel out.  Amazingly, it’s only forty-eight minutes long.  Even more incredible is the fact that half the running time is devoted to a recap of the first movie!  In fact, I’m not even sure you need to see the original (although I highly recommend it) in order for this to work.  If anything, it plays like one of those condensed feature length versions of old serials (which makes sense since this already draws heavily from those films, especially given the cliffhanger ending of the original). 

As for the new scenes, it’s all pretty standard stuff.  Our hero… uh… Superhero, goes to a remote island to save his family and friends from the clutches of master criminal, Killing.  Superhero must also stop his arch nemesis from threatening the world with his deadly death ray. 

The addition of a comic relief boat captain was unnecessary, but Killing remains as cool and intimidating as ever (and his ever-expanding roster of eye candy are hot too).  Add that to the rapid pace, and it all makes for a zippy good time.  Not to mention the Rat Pfink a Boo Boo level production values (the three-second flying scene is a hoot), which once again gives the film a DYI charm. 

The most baffling thing though is the ending.  It seems like it’s setting the table for another entry where Killing will swindle a princess out of her jewels, accompanied by a series of production photos and narration.  Then, the narrator tells us (Spoiler) Killing and Superhero had a big fight and Killing fell to his death!!!  I don’t know if the ending was filmed and lost, or if it was never filmed at all.  One thing is for sure, it makes for a nutty fucking third act (of a movie that’s basically a third act to begin with). 

Maybe one day someone will do a “Phantom Edit” version and edit the two films into a ninety-minute whole.  (Alternatively, someone could probably make a great “serial” cut with chapter headings and cliffhanger endings.)  Till then, you can still enjoy these immensely entertaining and captivatingly surreal films.  You’ll be hard-pressed to find a better way to spend forty-eight minutes, that’s for sure. 

AKA:  Kilink vs. the Flying Man.  AKA:  Kilink vs. Superman.

GIANT HERMAPHRODITE HEROINE: PLANET WOMAN (2010) ****

Aliens land on Earth and send giant monsters to stomp on Tokyo.  Luckily, Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine is there to kick their butt.  The evil alien leaders then decide to turn into giants themselves and do battle with our overgrown, androgynous heroine.  After defeating her in combat, they shrink her down and bring her back to their ship where they learn she’s been keeping a shocking secret (well, from the audience at least). 

My quest for bizarre Tokusatsu entertainment has led me to some strange places.  This might be the strangest.  The surprising thing about Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman is that the effects are excellent.  The model cities are extremely well done given the budget and the costumes are equally impressive.  Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine herself is basically a riff on Ultraman, complete with chest timer and an off-brand Spacium Beam, and the costume in a fairly close knockoff. 

Oh, and did I mention this is actually a porno?  I honestly didn’t think it would go as far as it did, seeing how the first half of the movie is mostly spent on fetishized scenes of a giantess struggling against a dominant man in a rubber suit while the camera closes up on her butt.  Things get down and dirty in the second half though as we get a long bondage scene, and when there is penetration, the offending body parts have been blurred out.  I have a suspicion it was all faked though.  I mean the rubber monster costumes were more convincing than the rubber wang.  

Once the film “goes there”, you will either turn it off or do like I did and continue to watch in stunned disbelief.  And you know what?  It’s been a while since a movie put me in a state of stunned disbelief.  Because of that, I can’t help but give this nutty masterpiece the highest rating possible. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE FLAMING URGE (1953) * ½

FORMAT:  VHS

People online complain incessantly about “Nepo Babies”, famous people who more or less own their career to their even more famous family members.  I hate to break it to them, but that isn’t exactly a new phenomenon.  Just look at The Flaming Urge.  It stars the son of silent comedy legend, Harold Lloyd, the aptly named Harold Lloyd Jr.  Do you think he could’ve landed this role without his name recognition?  Based on his performance here, probably not. 

Lloyd stars as Tom, a meek guy who moves into a small town and gets a job in a department store.  Tom has a problem though.  Every time he hears a fire alarm, he runs off to watch the firemen put out the blaze, even if it means leaving his job unattended.  Luckily, his boss is a fellow “fire chaser” and tries to break the young man of his habit.  However, when a rash of fires break out, Tom is suspected of arson, thanks to his obsession with fires.  He then sets out to prove his innocence. 

Was “fire chasing” a real thing back in the day?  I mean everyone has their thing, but it just seems odd.  It particularly seems like a really niche ailment to base an entire movie on.  Much of the problem lies with the supporting characters, who all seem to understand Tom’s problem and go out of their way to help him.  It just all rings false and even worse, zaps the film of any potential drama it might’ve had.  It also doesn’t help that a random ass Irish tenor breaks into song halfway through, stopping the already lethargic movie dead in its tracks. 

Lloyd isn’t exactly leading man material either.  He looks and sounds like his old man though.  Fortunately, he doesn’t try to ape his dad’s brand of physical comedy, or things might’ve been even more painful. 

LUCKY BASTARD (2014) ***

How Betsy Rue didn’t become a bona fide Scream Queen is one of the greatest mysteries in recent cinema history.  After her stunning performance in My Bloody Valentine 3-D you would’ve thought she’d become a household name.  (Well, she IS a household name in the Lovell household.)  Sadly, for whatever reason that didn’t happen.  However, she did manage to find time to appear in this surprisingly not bad Found Footage horror flick set in the porn world. 

Betsy stars as Ashley Saint, a porn star hesitant to appear on the “Lucky Bastard” website where fans get to live out their fantasy by fucking a real porn star.  When the nerdy uptight fan (Jay Paulson) winds up shooting his wad too early, he is roundly humiliated by the crew.  He then sets out to get revenge. 

I’ve never been much for the Found Footage genre.  However, one surefire way to get me to watch your Found Footage movie is to put Betsy Rue in there.  Heck, making it a mock porno doesn’t hurt either.  (The fact that it was produced by Jim Wynorski is another bonus.)  It also helps that it moves fast and that there are a variety of cameras that the footage is culled from so we aren’t always relying on shaky-cam bullshit to tell the story. 

At the heart of the film is Rue who gives a great performance.  Not only can she play sexy and alluring, but she is also quite good during her more vulnerable scenes.  As with My Bloody Valentine, she does some of her best acting while completely naked.  She also kicks ass when she has to, and she keeps you watching even when the film is more or less going through the motions.  Don McManus also delivers a fine performance as the asshole film director who pushes his amateur star over the edge. 

KILLING IN ISTANBUL (1967) ****

This is the movie that put Turkish B movies on the map.  Apparently, Turkey is lax when it comes to copyright infringement laws, so their movies tend to blatantly steal from American cinema.  However, the way they adapt the material can often be straight-up nutty (as anyone who’s seen 3 Giant Men can attest).  That said, Killing in Istanbul is quite simply a fantastic hodgepodge of horror, crime, and superhero movies. 

Kilink (Yildirim Gencer) is a dastardly supervillain who wears a skintight skeleton leotard and skull mask.   He was a popular character in Italian comics, but something tells me that nobody bothered to pay for the rights to feature him in this movie.  Kilink kills a professor and steals his formula, which will allow him to rule the world.  While the professor’s son mourns over his grave, a wizard appears and grants him the power to turn into a superhero (uh… who’s name is… uh… “Superhero”) whenever he says the magic word, “Shazam”!  He then battles Kilink to avenge his father’s death and save the world. 

What I love about this movie is the way it simultaneously steals from other sources but manages to find a way to completely make it its own.  Yes, it blatantly rips off the Captain Marvel serial.  However, the costumed hero is actually a mash-up of Superman and Batman.  Speaking of serials, Kilink himself is basically a riff on the old Crimson Ghost serial.  Instead of a skull head and hooded body, he wears a skintight outfight that feels equal parts scary and sexy.  The way he seduces women in particular is kind of creepy.  Oh, and the theme song is just needle drops on old James Bond soundtracks, which adds to the fun. 

The movie’s biggest asset is that it moves like lightning.  That has something to do with the choppy print, but it often feels like someone took all the dull parts out and just left in the good stuff.  Not only do the fight scenes occur at a zippy pace, the dialogue scenes whizz by too.  The breakneck action also helps the film harken back to the old timey serial days, except you don’t have to wait a week to see how Kilink (who is really more of the main character after all) will get out of his latest jam. 

Oh, and the scenes where “Superhero” flies are fucking terrible.  And by “fucking terrible” I mean “I loved every second of it”. 

Some may be put off by the non-ending, but that’s okay because the sequel, Kilink vs the Flying Man picks things up right where this one left off. 

AKA:  Kilink in Istanbul.