THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES (1961) * ½

Before Sergio Leone made the immortal Dollars trilogy, he cut his teeth directing this handsomely mounted, but painfully dull sword and sandal epic.  Rory Calhoun stars as a vacationing Greek warrior in Rhodes who is torn between two opposing factions who want to overthrow the corrupt king.  He really has no time for battles and revolutions as he’d rather just spend his time batting his eyes at Lea Massari.  Eventually, Calhoun gets mistaken as a rebel and is tortured, causing him to choose a side pretty darn quickly.

If you come to the party expecting to see Leone’s over the top style on display, you’ll be sorely disappointed by The Colossus of Rhodes.  Although the film looks like a million bucks, it’s shot, assembled, and presented in a very matter of fact way.  Leone does show a knack for corralling hundreds of extras, but the fireworks are an awful long time coming.  

While The Colossus of Rhodes looks better than your average Italian peplum adventure, the tension is nominal, the running time is bloated, and the pacing is sluggish.  Cowboy star Calhoun is sorely miscast as a square-jawed hero, which also doesn’t help.  It’s mostly boring and useless until the third act, when things liven up during the big coliseum action sequence, but by then, it’s too little too late. 

Leone fared much better with six guns and cowboy boots than with swords and sandals, that’s for damned sure. 

MUNSTER, GO HOME! (1966) **

I was never really a Munsters fan.  I was always more of an Addams Family kind of guy.  Still, I like Fred Gwynne, Al Lewis, Yvonne DeCarlo, and Butch Patrick enough to give this big screen version a whirl. 

Munster, Go Home! has Herman (Gwynne) learning he’s inherited a lordship.  He packs up the family and heads to England to sign all the necessary papers.  Naturally, his crooked relatives (who aren’t monsters by the way) try to scare him off.  When that fails, they set out to sabotage Herman’s race car, "Dragula" during the climatic hot rod race. 

Even though Munster, Go Home! is feature length, it still doesn’t have enough laughs to fill your average half-hour episode of the original show.  The comedic music and corny sound effects that try to punctuate the humor during the so-called funny parts don't help at all and only underscore the desperation of some of the gags.  The cast is certainly game (and Debbie Watson fares just fine as the new Marilyn), but the material is just too thin to really click.  It’s fun to see guys like John Carradine, Terry-Thomas, and Richard Dawson turning up in supporting roles, although none of them are really given anything worthy of their talents to do.  The only real laughs come from Gwynne and Lewis’ mugging.  (I enjoyed the Car 54, Where Are You? gag.)  If you wanted to see that, you could just watch an episode of The Munsters  instead and save yourself an hour or so.

TEEN TITANS GO! TO THE MOVIES (2018) ****

Ever since its debut in 2013, Teen Titans Go! has been my daughter’s favorite TV show.  I have spent countless hours in front of the tube watching it with her and have come to the conclusion that it is the most consistently hilarious show on television.  Its witty blend of irreverence, pop culture satire, and streak of black humor (several episodes end with characters dying and/or the world being plunged into darkness) never fails to impress me.  

Being of a certain age, I never saw the original Teen Titans cartoon.  Because of that, I bring no baggage to Teen Titans Go!  I can simply enjoy it for the madcap way it lampoons its characters, the DC universe, and comic book entertainment in general.  

Now, some people think there’s nothing worse than a beer snob, but they’re wrong.  There’s nothing worse than a Teen Titans snob.  They are the worst sort of DC fanboy.  They exist solely to bitch about Teen Titans Go and bemoan the fact that the old cartoon never got a proper finale.  I’ve been unfortunate enough to meet several of these cretins in real life.  The worst run-in was at our local Gamestop where the guy behind the counter said he wouldn’t sell my daughter a Teen Titans Go! toy because, “That show is an abomination and the only REAL Teen Titans show is the original.”  I just sort of blankly stared at him until he eventually relented, saying, “But I’ll let you buy it because you’re young and you don’t know any better.”  He tried to act like he was joking, yet the seething hatred in his voice was barely masked by his halfhearted attempt at minimal customer service.  

I wanted to beat the shit out of the guy.  How sad is your life that you have to belittle a young girl because her toy selection doesn’t align with your narrowminded pop culture mindset?  If he even bothered to watch the show, instead of refusing to engage with it because the animation style and tone were different than the one he was used to, he would’ve seen that Teen Titans Go! is one of the best satires of not only comic books, but modern pop culture as well.  

I’ve had other encounters with these so-called “fans” (mostly of whom are early twenty-somethings) who allege that the old show is the only REAL version and that the new version is for BABIES.  Again, if they’d actually watch it, they’d see there is a streak of dark humor through the show that adults can appreciate.  Maybe they’re just not mature enough to accept it on that wavelength.

Teen Titans Go! is my favorite show on television, so it’s only fitting I’d label Teen Titans Go! To the Movies as one of the best movies of the year.  Like the show, it’s a deft send-up of comic book characters (specifically the movie versions), but it also acts as something of a wish fulfillment.  If you ever wanted to see a Robin movie, this is your chance.  I know the Teen Titans are a team, but Robin is front and center nearly all the way through.  Since Robin is my favorite character in the show, this was good news for me.  If you’re more of a Cyborg/Beast Boy/Raven/Starfire fan, take heart.  Although they are pushed to the background somewhat, they are still given plenty of moments to shine.  (The scene where Cyborg goes back in time to prevent Aquaman’s origin story is one of the biggest laughs I’ve had in the theater all year.)

The plot revolves around Robin’s attempts to get his own movie.  A big shot director (the voice of Kristen Bell) tells him the only way to headline his own film is to take down his arch-nemesis, Slade (the voice of Will Arnett).  This set-up is ripe with potential and leads to a lot of hilarious in-jokes, potty humor, and pop culture references.

Probably the best part of the movie:  We finally get to see Nicolas Cage as Superman.  Well… at least hear him anyway.  He doesn’t disappoint either.  We can only imagine what he would’ve been like as Supes in his prime in Tim Burton’s famously canceled late ‘90s version of the character.  However, there’s enough proof here to suggest that he would’ve been awesome in the role.

Then there are the cameos.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it, but there’s at least one cameo that is guaranteed to put a smile on the most jaded Teen Titans Go! hater.  Even if the constant barrage of hilarity isn’t enough to sway them, they should at least get a smile from the post-credits sequence.

It doesn’t matter if I liked it or not.  It doesn’t matter if the anti-Teen Titans Goers flame the movie on the internet.  All that matters is my daughter was grinning from ear to ear the whole time, cackling throughout, and quoting the dialogue on the car ride home.  

If you are at all suffering from superhero fatigue, you should by all means check out Teen Titans Go! To the Movies.  Like Deadpool, the film gives the genre a kick in the pants (without the R-rated humor of course), but lovingly so.  If you’re a parent, there will be as much humor aimed at you as your child (if not more).  It’s definitely one of the funniest (and best) movies of the year.

Cyborg gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Save me from Gene Hackman’s real estate scam!”

THE EQUALIZER 2 (2018) ***

The Equalizer 2 isn’t quite as good as its predecessor for two main reasons.  The first is that the conclusion, set in a deserted beachside town during a hurricane, lacks the bone-crunching, stomach-churning, revenge-fueled antics of the Home Depot massacre of the original.  Instead, Denzel Washington just kind of takes out a small squad of soldiers singlehandedly.  The other quibble is that the villain’s identity is a foregone conclusion as most viewers will figure out who he is the moment he steps on screen.  

What is not predictable is the nuance, depth, and emotion Washington and returning director Antoine Fuqua bring to the early scenes of the film.  Most sequels take the “Bigger is Better” approach.  Fuqua is more interested in the quieter, character-driven moments.  Yes, the plot is largely about Washington going after the men who murdered his best friend (Melissa Leo).  It’s also about how Washington tries to connect a Holocaust survivor (Orson Bean) with his long-lost sister.  It’s also about Washington rescuing a young inner-city artist (Ashton Sanders) from a life of crime.  He also finds time to save a young girl from her gangster father as well as beat up a roomful of scumbag yuppies for raping an intern.  Washington brings unprecedented levels of gravitas to what, in lesser hands, could’ve been a disposable (and forgettable) revenge programmer.  He gives just as much here as he did in his Oscar-nominated (and winning) roles.

The best section of the film follows his daily routine as a Lyft driver.  Some of his interactions with his customers are raw, honest, and human.  What he says (or sometimes doesn’t say) to them impacts them greatly.  Again, Denzel’s excellent performance prevents things from turning into a big-screen version of Taxicab Confessions.  His most meaningful interaction though comes when he stops Sanders from going down a violent path.  (“’Man’ is not spelled ‘G-U-N’.”)

Let’s face it, we all came to see Denzel kick ass, not impart life-changing wisdom.  We still get scenes where he times himself while beating up a gang of thugs (although not as many as I was anticipating), reconstructs crime scenes with his mind, and improvises elaborate ways for bad guys to come to an untimely end.  I just wish Fuqua had added a little extra sizzle to the finale.  If there were one or two more quality deaths in the third act, The Equalizer 2 would’ve stood shoulder to shoulder with the original.

Nevertheless, it does contain at least one scene that will go down as an all-timer in the history books.  It’s the scene where Denzel gets revenge on the rapist yuppies.  They underestimate him by assuming he’s just your typical Lyft driver and try to beat him up.  Naturally, he mops the floor with them.  He picks the most vulnerable one out of the group and tells him he’ll let him live if he turns himself into the cops… AND he has to give Denzel a positive review on Lyft!  Folks, it is my sincere hope that “I expect a 5 Star rating!” will become Denzel’s “I’ll be back”.  The way he sells the line with unflinching deadly seriousness is one of the funniest and most crowd-pleasing things I’ve seen at the movies all year.

ZAN KING OF THE JUNGLE (1972) **

Before he was in the immortal Blood Freak, Steve Hawkes starred in this cheap Tarzan rip-off as Zan.  Because of his muscular build, Hawkes seems more like Hercules than Tarzan.  Sure, he makes a Tarzan-esque yell, rides on an elephant, swings from a vine, and has a talking parrot for a pet, but he also hurls boulders, lifts heavy gates, and spends a lot of his screen time sleeping; just like Hercules.  That’s not really a criticism; merely an observation.

After Zan saves a beautiful Amazon woman from being sacrificed by a native tribe, he is shot by a poacher.  A drunk prospector nurses him back to health and Zan repays his kindness by giving him gold from a nearby grotto.  When the hunters learn he’s got gold, they kill the prospector and steal his loot.  Zan then sets out to stop the murderers and protect the prospector’s sexy daughter.

Directed by Manuel (The Swamp of the Ravens) Cano and co-written by Umberto (Cannibal Ferox) Lenzi, Zan King of the Jungle is a ho-hum Tarzan knockoff in just about every respect.  One major stumbling block is the fact that Zan kind of gets lost in his own movie.  There are just way too many supporting characters competing for screen time for Hawkes to really make an impression.  In addition to the drunken prospector, there’s a guide (who’s also a drunk) that takes on most of the romantic lead-type of duties.  Even though the heroine is hot, Hawkes seems more interested in the Amazon queen, even though their relationship is extremely platonic.  If they were trying to really capture the flavor of the old Tarzan movies, they should’ve given him a more traditional Jane type of leading lady to play against.

There is at least one memorably nutty scene worth mentioning.  It comes when Zan swims into the underwater grotto to find the gold and participates in a no holds barred cage match with a gorilla (or more precisely, a guy in a gorilla suit).  This scene is a lot of fun and is easily the best part of an otherwise forgettable jungle picture.

Cano and Hawkes later reteamed for a sequel, Tarzan and the Brown Prince. 

AKA:  Tarzan in the Golden Grotto.  AKA:  King of the Jungle.

PUSHED TO THE LIMIT (1992) **

Mimi Lesseos stars as Mimi, a spunky women’s wrestling champion.  Her cokehead brother insults a drug kingpin (Eidan Hanzai) during a drug deal and is promptly killed.  The kingpin just so happens to be the head of an illegal underground kumite fighting tournament.  Naturally, Mimi signs up to fight in order to get revenge. 

Pushed to the Limit is a below average underground fighting tournament movie in just about every way.  The shoddy production values are akin to an early Gary Daniels movie (I’m thinking specifically of American Streetfighter) and the staging of the various fight scenes are uninspired.  The choreography itself isn’t bad, but the bland way director Michael Mileham presents the brawls leaves something to be desired.

The film’s secret weapon is Mimi's energetic and vivacious screen presence.  Her effervescent performance helps elevate Pushed to the Limit from the usual low budget kickboxing dreck.  Lesseos’ earnest line readings of the corniest dialogue (which she wrote herself by the way) like "Vern, try me. I'm pushed to the limit!" is sure to leave a smile on your face.  Vern (Verrel Lester Reed, Jr.) is her manager by the way.  Reed is also likeable and plays his character like a cross between Morgan Freeman and Burgess Meredith in Rocky.  With the right director, this pair could’ve been a lot of fun to watch.  Too bad Mileham’s clunky handling of the action ultimately sinks it.

MOTORCYCLE GANG (1994) **

Showtime’s Rebel Highway series was founded upon a great idea:  Take some talented directors, give them a small budget, and let them remake an old AIP movie any way they wanted.  As promising as the concept was, the results could be uneven at times.  Motorcycle Gang, directed by John (Red Dawn) Milius was one of the weakest Rebel Highway efforts.

Gerald (Major Dad) McRaney gets a new job in California, so he, his wife (Elan Oberon), and daughter (Carla Gugino) embark on a long road trip.  They stop at a little roadside restaurant where Gugino locks eyes with a biker (Jake Busey) who leads a gang of murderous, dope-shooting motorcyclists.  Busey becomes instantly smitten, and he kidnaps Gugino and takes her down to Mexico to have his way with her.  McRaney follows in hot pursuit to rescue his daughter and get revenge on the scummy bikers. 

I know this is a low budget remake of a low budget exploitation flick, but I was expecting more from this cast and director.  Even though Motorcycle Gang is a remake of the ‘50s movie, it feels more like a retread of the biker films of the ‘60s than anything else.  McRaney, Busey, and Gugino all have their moments and make the best of their thinly written characters; yet fail to make the drama really come alive.  The clunky dialogue ("You looking for trouble, daddy-o?") doesn’t exactly help matters either.

The family drama is middling and the sections involving Gugino’s kidnapping are curiously uninvolving and free of tension.  The film is at its best early on when Busey and his gang are riding around causing havoc.  The finale, where McRaney finally takes his revenge, offers up some OK exploitation thrills too.  It’s just that it’s an awful long time coming.

Milius also directed Busey’s dad, Gary in Big Wednesday.  

WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR? (2018) *** ½

In the early ‘60s, Fred Rogers ditched the seminary for a career in public television.  It’s hard to imagine what the world would’ve been like if he went into the priesthood.  He certainly got his message of positivity to a wider audience on PBS than in any church.  As a person who was practically raised in front of a TV, some of my earliest memories of television come from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.  Because of that, I felt it was my duty to see this documentary in the theater.

Mr. Rogers’ secret was that he didn’t look down on children.  He treated them as an equal.  Even though they were small, he realized their feelings and emotions were as big as any adult’s.  This seems simple and obvious now, but in the ‘60s, it was something of a radical approach.

He also tackled important, often painful subjects in a frank way.  Bobby Kennedy’s recent assassination was dealt with in a truthful and straightforward manner that young and old could understand and appreciate.  The amazing thing is that the messages from his earliest shows are still relevant today, over fifty years later.  (King Friday wants to build a wall.)  

We also see Rogers singlehandedly saving public television as we know it.  In the late ‘60s, Nixon wanted to drastically slash public television’s budget.  Rogers’ impassioned plea was so moving that the curmudgeonly senators all but place the money in his hands.  That just goes to show what a positive effect the man had on not just kids, but adults too.

The film acknowledges the fact that Rogers more or less became an old stick in the mud in his later years.  That probably had more to do with the way the world had grown more cynical to his teachings over time.  However, his influence left a mark on generations to come and won’t be forgotten any time soon. 

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 3: SUMMER VACATION (2018) ***

It’s not as consistently amusing or as clever as the second film in the franchise, but Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation remains fun, lightweight entertainment.  My daughter, who is obsessed with monsters, said it was in her top five films of all time.  Because of that simple fact, it’s hard to be too critical of it.

Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation is just like the other films in the series, except on a boat.  It plays like a flip-flop of the original.  This time out, Dracula (the voice of Adam Sandler) is the one hiding a potential relationship with a human from his family.  The object of his affection:  A chipper cruise director (the voice of Kathryn Hahn) who just so happens to be a descendent of Dracula’s arch-nemesis, Van Helsing.

Some of the gags fall flat, but there are a couple of sequences that will leave you laughing.  I loved all the stuff with Blobby and his newfound son (and eventual dog).  The scene with the gremlins is the comedic highpoint though.  Although these guys don’t get a whole lot of screen time, they up and steal the movie.  I sincerely hope they get their own spin-off in the near future.

The stuff with Dracula and his daughter (the voice of Selena Gomez) is basically recycled material from previous entries.  I also wish Drac’s buddies like Frankenstein (the voice of Kevin James), The Wolf Man (the voice of Steve Buscemi), The Invisible Man (the voice of David Spade), and The Mummy (the voice of Keegan-Michael Key) had more to do.  That said, there’s enough chuckles here to keep your interest.  If you’re a monster-obsessed kid, you’ll probably add an extra star to the *** rating.

MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1996) *

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders almost feels like a pilot for an unsold TV show.  If that was indeed the intention, it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up, what with its limited production vales and amateurish acting.  It contains two tales slapped together in such an incoherent way that it plays like two completely different episodes strung together.  

Merlin the wizard (George Milan) opens a store (that has trolls lurking nonchalantly in the background) in the big city.  One day, his shop is visited by Jonathan Cooper (John Terrence), a guy who reviews stores.  (If this whole movie reviewing thing goes belly up, maybe I can give reviewing stores a try.  Then again, this was made in the days before Yelp, which is pretty much the same thing.)  Cooper doesn’t believe Merlin is the real McCoy, so the wizard gives him his spell book.  Copper takes the book home and tries some spells.  Before long, he’s barbecuing his cat with magical fire breath.  As we all know, the more of Merlin’s magic you use, the older you get.  The fact that Cooper has an infertile wife helps tip-off the obvious and dumb conclusion. 

The second story is just an edited version of The Devil’s Gift.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically the Stephen King story, The Monkey done with a meager budget.  Since Merlin director Kenneth J. Merton also directed The Devil’s Gift, its inclusion here seems even more desperate.  The fact that The Devil’s Gift was made in 1984 is painfully obvious as the footage doesn’t match the insert shots of Merlin tracking the monkey down.  The Devil’s Gift was fucking awful to begin with and having it tacked on in such a clumsy manner adds to the overall pain levels.

Oh, and did I mention the whole thing is narrated by Ernest Borgnine?  

TRANCERS 5: SUDDEN DETH (1994) **

If you don’t count the long-winded recap of Trancers 4, or the opening and end credits, Trancers 5:  Sudden Deth only clocks in at about hour.  It feels much longer though.  There’s nothing sudden about this Deth.

Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is still trapped in another dimension, one that resembles our Medieval times.  This time out, he must go and retrieve the magical “Tiamond” the only thing that has the power to send him back to his own time.  Naturally, he must go to the “Castle of Unrelenting Terror” to find it.

The opening prologue is dull and gets the movie off to a rocky start.  It’s also plagued with wonky plot devices (the bad guy is resurrected out of a painting), cheap effects, and too many supporting characters that get in the way of Tim Thomerson doing his thing.  The Army of Darkness influence, which was hinted at in Part 4, is really prevalent in this installment.  Jack goes on a quest to find the only thing that can bring him back home, speaks present-day (or in his case, futuristic) slang to tell off an adversary, and faces off against an evil version of himself.  Thomerson does what he can, but other than seeing Deth ride a horse, there’s not a whole lot new for him to do.  

I know this was filmed back-to-back with 4, but there was barely enough worthwhile material here for one movie, let alone two.  Like all the films in the series, Trancers 5 has its moments (as when Deth inexplicably finds himself surrounded by beautiful women).  These fleeting bits of amusement aside, it’s definitely on the lower end of the Trancers scale.  

AKA:  Future Cop 5:  Sudden Deth.

WOLF DEVIL WOMAN (1982) *** ½

Wolf Devil Woman ranks right up there with Super Infra-Man for sheer bug nuts insanity.  It often feels like an entire season of a TV show edited down into one ninety-minute feature.  Stuff happens so fast that it will make your head spin and you never know what’s going to happen at any given moment.  That’s code for I loved every minute of it.

A couple are cornered by a guy in a bad Halloween costume at the top of a mountain.  To save their baby’s life and prevent themselves a shameful death, they stab each other with their swords and cause an avalanche by repeatedly banging their heads against the ice!  The baby gets swept away by the snow and she is eventually found by a pack of wolves that raise her as their own on an ice set that looks like it took its decorating cues from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.  

(Folks, do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see Wolf Devil Woman right this minute.)

The evil Devil (who looks like a cross between a KKK member, Sho Nuff from The Last Dragon, and Freddy Krueger) is causing havoc using magic to freeze people’s blood. The Old Master knows the only thing that can defeat him is some thousand-year-old ginseng, so he sends his pupil named (wait for it…) The Young Master to find it.  He and his pal Rudi stumble upon the Wolf Woman dressing in wolf skin.  They think she’s a real wolf and accidentally injure her in self-defense. 

There’s a great scene where the Young Master tries to make amends.  He notices Wolf Woman has a hunch and cracks her back for her.  There’s even a Street Fighter-style X-ray shot of her spine being straightened.  Pissed, she bites his wrist.  Since he kinda feels bad for performing an illicit chiropractic procedure without her consent, he LETS HER CHEW ON HIM.

(Seriously, see this movie.  It’s free on Amazon Prime.  It won’t cost you a thing) 

After a while, she gets over that whole back-straightening thing and the Young Master teaches Wolf Woman to talk.  Their language lessons offer up some of the biggest laughs in the movie.  First, he makes her say, “okay”.  Now I believe that’s a word she could say on her first try mastering the English language.  I also believe “snow” would be a decent enough word to learn the second time out.  Then, the Young Master makes her say, “hibiscus”!  I’m no linguist, but that seems like a pretty advanced word for the first day of language lessons if you ask me. 

When Rudi lets slip that they were the ones who accidentally killed her mother, Wolf Woman dyes her hair white with her mind and freaks out.  Young Master and Rudi decide to leave Wolf Woman be, but Devil captures Young Master and turns him into one of his slaves.  He also shows him his collection of zombies.  When he asks why he has them, Devil responds, “This is just an eccentric hobby!”

(Honestly folks, I’m not doing this movie justice.  You need to see it for yourself.)

Wolf Woman gets over the fact that Young Master killed her mother quickly enough and sets out to rescue him.  By that I mean she goes swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan.  Did I miss something?  She was raised by wolves, not monkeys, right?  Are wolves known for their swinging prowess?

Then there’s the scene reminiscent of Splash where she goes to a restaurant and tries to eat properly for the first time.  The sight of Wolf Woman dressed up like and acting not too far removed from Kate Bush is one I won’t soon forget.  When she can’t pay, the owners try to string her up, but she’s saved by Rudi and the Old Master.  They then team up to save Young Master from clutches of the Devil.

(Honestly, turn back now or you run the risk of learning about the scene where Wolf Woman plays Whack-a-Mole with Ninjas in the sand, except she cuts their heads off instead of hitting them with a mallet.)

The finale is incredible too.  Devil confronts The Young Master and sets him on fire.  Remember the hilarious fire animation used on the Human Torch in Roger Corman’s version of The Fantastic Four?  The fire animation in Wolf Devil Woman is even worse.  Just when you stop laughing at that, Wolf Woman bites a chunk out of her arm and PUTS OUT THE FIRE with her own arterial spray!  Incredible.

I’d also like to point out that Wolf Devil Woman is one of the rare ‘70s Kung Fu movies directed by a woman, Ling Chang.  She also helmed the sequel, which appeared the following year.  That one ISN’T on Prime, but I hope to track it down in the near future.  

(Okay, now that the whole thing’s been spoiled for you, you should definitely go and check it out anyway.  You can thank me later.)

AKA:  Venus the Ninja.  AKA:  Wolfen Queen.

THE MEDUSA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1963) ** ½

Before making memorable appearances in WTF Ninja movies and low budget Spaghetti Westerns, Richard Harrison cut his teeth on a few Italian peplum adventures.  This one was directed by none other than Alberto De Martino, the man who would later go on to make the unbelievable Puma Man.  While The Medusa Against the Son of Hercules never quite achieves the lunacy of that flick, it does offer up a few cool monsters and some decent sword and sandal shenanigans.

Harrison stars as Perseus (who is in fact the son of Zeus, not Hercules, but never mind), a loner who has a little fawn as a friend.  The heartless Galinor (Leo Anchoriz) kills the deer during a hunt to impress his fiancée Andromeda (Anna Ranalli), which enrages Perseus.  This leads to a series of contests between the two, with the victor getting Andromeda’s hand in marriage.  When Galinor realizes Perseus is the legendary figure prophesized to overthrow the kingdom, he frames him for murder.  Perseus then joins the opposing king’s army, who as it stands are woefully outnumbered.  It’s then up to Perseus to defeat the Medusa so her legions of stone victims (who are also conveniently soldiers) will return to life and get in the fight.

The monsters, created by Carlo Rambaldi, are easily the best part of the movie.  I liked the “dragon”, even though it looked less like a dragon and more like the Loch Ness Monster.  It’s cool when you take the low budget into consideration (until you see the whole body in one shot, that is).  The Medusa is even better.  Rambaldi deviated from the commonly accepted design, but that helps to make the monster memorable.  It’s not a woman with snakes for hair like we’re used to.  It looks more like one of the monsters from The Green Slime.  It’s big and green with one glowing yellow eye and surrounded by a mass of tentacles.  (It kind of looks like some pissed-off mutant broccoli.)  

After all the monsters are slain, it becomes rather ordinary very fast.  Other than the monsters and a Robin Hood-inspired archery contest, there isn’t much here to separate it from countless other ‘60s peplum adventures.  All in all, it's a decent toga fest, especially if you’re a fan of Harrison.  The theme song (which sounds like it came out of a western) is badass too.

AKA:  Perseus the Invincible.  AKA:  Valley of the Stone Men.  AKA:  Perseus Against the Monsters.  AKA:  Medusa vs. the Son of Hercules.

SALT AND FIRE (2017) **

Michael Shannon stars as the CEO of a high-profile company responsible for a catastrophic ecological disaster.  Veronica Ferres is an ecologist sent to access the damage.  Since Shannon is clearly nuts, he kidnaps her and a series of mind games between the two escalate.

Ferres’ plan is to get Shannon talking.  The thought is, the more he talks the more he'll let his guard down.  Fortunately for the audience, he talks a lot.  Shannon has a way with writer/director Werner Herzog’s dialogue.  He nicely captures the quizzical nature and eccentric rhythms of Herzog’s speech while very much keeping the character uniquely Shannon.  Whether he’s talking about broken down trains or pontificating on parrots, he really keeps your attention with his offbeat performance.

If only the narrative wasn’t so frustrating.  The first half in which Ferres is taken hostage is much stronger than the second.  It’s here where she is forced to play mother hen to a duo of blind boys and help them make their way through a seemingly endless salt flat.  Sure, this sequence is filled with some glorious looking cinematic compositions, but it also happens to be extremely heavy-handed, contrived, and ultimately boring.

In fact, the whole thing more or less falls apart once Shannon disappears.  Without his oddball charisma, Salt and Fire fails to generate much interest.  Ferres does what she can, but she just isn’t engaging enough to make the Shannon-less passages work.  You know you’re in trouble when her most memorable scene comes from waiting for her luggage at the airport.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP (2018) ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp is one of the best of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.  There is lots of imagination on display and plenty of fun to be had.  Not only is it chockful of inventive action sequences, there’s also tons of heart.  In a summer full of dazzling special effects, big-budget sequels, and costumed superheroes, it’s nice to find one that engages the heart as much as it does the eyes.

It’s also refreshing when the fate of the world isn’t always at stake.  Nope, this time out, Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) is just trying to help his former partner The Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) rescue her mom (Michelle Pfeiffer) from the Quantum Zone.  Since he’s supposed to be home under house arrest (thanks to his participation with Captain America in Civil War), Scott has to do some tricky maneuvering.  It’s hard enough to fight bad guys and find items to piece together a machine that can send people into a parallel universe.  Imagine doing all of that without tripping your ankle monitor.

Because of Scott’s constant juggling of family, loyalty to his friends, superhero obligations, and need to be back home in time for his court-mandated check-ins, Ant-Man and the Wasp feels closers in tone and spirit to the Spider-Man movies than the overstuffed Avengers-style of spectacle.  (There’s also a bit of Iron Man 3 here as Scott’s new prototype suit has a bunch of glitches that pop up at inopportune times.)

Another refreshing tactic:  Scott is practically the third wheel in his own movie.  A lot of the heavy lifting goes to The Wasp and her dad, the original Ant-Man (Michael Douglas).  Most of the scientific gobbledygook goes over Scott’s head, leaving him ready to quip away at the drop of a hat.  Because of that, Rudd has plenty of opportunities to shine, even if he has to defer to the experts on most occasions.  

I also found the villain, Ghost (Hannah John-Kamen) quite interesting.  Her aim is self-preservation, not world domination.  She’s willing to achieve that at any cost, which makes her a threat, and her singlemindedness makes her oblivious to the fact that the people she’s fighting against are more than capable of helping her.  

There are so many moments to treasure.  The action involving oversized Pez dispensers and salt shakers are a joy and the bit where The Wasp shrunk a motorcycle down to size while the rider was going at top speed was inspired.  We also get a Bullitt-style car chase with miniature cars!  The laughs are plentiful too.  The sight of Rudd shrunk down to junior size and running around a school trying not to get caught by a teacher is one I won’t soon forget.  My favorite moment though was the makeshift drive-in (showing Them of course).  Also, more movies should include scenes where Michael Pena is injected with truth serum.

All this AND Walton Goggins TOO?  It’s almost as if director Peyton Reed picked my brain and put everything I always wanted to see in an Ant-Man movie into Ant-Man and the Wasp.  Not only is it one of the best MCU films ever made, it’s the best picture of the year.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 
Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

2018 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

Ant-Man and the Wasp: ****

Avengers:  Infinity War: *** ½

Black Panther: *** ½

Deadpool 2: *** ½

Accident Man: ** ½ 

TRANCERS 4: JACK OF SWORDS (1994) **

Future Cop Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) has finally fulfilled his mission of wiping the Trancers out.  He now acts as sort of a variation on Jean Claude Van-Damme’s role in Timecop, going through time and making sure no one alters history.  When an alien sabotages his transporter, Deth winds up in Medieval times (the age, not the restaurant) and must do battle with a new batch of Trancers.

Written by Peter David (most famous for his spectacular run on The Incredible Hulk comic) and directed by David Nutter (who went on to helm Disturbing Behavior), Trancers 4:  Jack of Swords is at its best during its futuristic segments.  I liked the scenes with the sexy Q-like Lyra (Stacie Randall) who gives Jack his new gadgets, and the part where he makes a lamp out of his former android partner is good for a laugh.  The barroom scene is the best part of the whole movie and really gives Thomerson an opportunity to shine.  When the bartender asks how he wants his Scotch, he says, “Intravenously!”  

Once things switch over to Medieval times, it becomes a ho-hum variation on Army of Darkness.  It doesn’t help that this new batch of vampire-like Trancers feel like holdovers from a Subspecies movie.  The bland performance by Clabe Hartley as the weak villain further hampers things.  The abrupt anti-climactic ending, which is mostly just there to set up the sequel (which was filmed back-to-back with this), is unsatisfying too.

I was also a bit perplexed by how the Trancers went from zombies in the first movie to brain dead soldiers in the last one to vampire-type creatures with British accents in this entry.

If anything, Tracers 4 offers us Thomerson’s best performance as Jack Deth since the first one.  The bit where his “Long Second” watch malfunctions and makes him go in slow motion gives us a taste of Thomerson’s comedic gifts.  Unfortunately, even Thomerson’s game performance is unable to salvage this uneven entry.

AKA:  Future Cop 4:  Jack of Swords.  AKA:  Trancers 4:  Angel of Deth.  AKA:  Trancers 4:  Journeys Through the Darkzone. 

AFRICA EXPRESS (1975) ***

John Baxter (Giuliano Gemma) runs a trading operation with his best friend, a chimp named Biba (herself).  He bumps into a beautiful nun named Madeleine (Ursula Andress) and helps her escape the clutches of the evil Robert Preston (Jack Palance), a slimy cuss who specializes in selling poached ivory.  Since Baxter already cheated Preston at cards, Preston is all-too eager to get his mitts on them.  Naturally, Baxter finds himself smitten with Madeleine, which presents its own set of problems.

Africa Express sort of plays like a modernized version of the Clint Eastwood flick Two Mules for Sister Sara as Gemma comes to the aid of a woman who may or may not be a nun.  What’s amazing is that it managed to predate Clint’s Every Which Way but Loose by three years as both films feature a hero with a simian best friend.  Surprisingly enough, it’s enormously entertaining and contains its fair share of laughs.  It’s an affable and likeable ramshackle comedy-adventure that’s just a little bit better than you expect it to be at nearly every turn.  

There are a number of winning moments here.  The early scene where Biba helps Gemma cheat Palance at cards immediately sets the playful tone.  I also liked to part where Gemma tries to remove a chief’s infected tooth by tying it to the back of his truck.  I can’t say it’s high art or anything, but it’s hard to resist a movie that features Ursula Andress as a nun who knows Kung Fu.

The enormously appealing performances help to make Africa Express a smooth ride.  Giuliano Gemma makes for an ideal leading man.  He’s handsome, funny, and doesn’t take himself too seriously.  He’s also capable of holding long conversations with a chimp and making it all seem natural and causal.  It’s harder than it looks, folks.  Andress is also a lot of fun and looks spectacular while dressed in her nun’s habit.  If you have a nun fetish, you’ll probably just want to go ahead and add an extra star to the rating.  Palance makes for a formidable villain.  When he’s not busy chewing the scenery, he chews on his pipe for maximum sinister effect.

I could point out that some of the action isn’t staged particularly well, but it would be a moot point since director Michele Lupo is going more for laughs than actual thrills.  While many of the fight scenes and car chases are played for comedic effect, they succeed in getting laughs more often than not.  The ending is unexpectedly touching too.  Gemma’s earnest performance in the final moments helps to end things on a perfect bittersweet note.  

All three leads reappeared in a sequel, Safari Express the next year.

AKA:  Tropical Express.