MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1996) *

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders almost feels like a pilot for an unsold TV show.  If that was indeed the intention, it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up, what with its limited production vales and amateurish acting.  It contains two tales slapped together in such an incoherent way that it plays like two completely different episodes strung together.  

Merlin the wizard (George Milan) opens a store (that has trolls lurking nonchalantly in the background) in the big city.  One day, his shop is visited by Jonathan Cooper (John Terrence), a guy who reviews stores.  (If this whole movie reviewing thing goes belly up, maybe I can give reviewing stores a try.  Then again, this was made in the days before Yelp, which is pretty much the same thing.)  Cooper doesn’t believe Merlin is the real McCoy, so the wizard gives him his spell book.  Copper takes the book home and tries some spells.  Before long, he’s barbecuing his cat with magical fire breath.  As we all know, the more of Merlin’s magic you use, the older you get.  The fact that Cooper has an infertile wife helps tip-off the obvious and dumb conclusion. 

The second story is just an edited version of The Devil’s Gift.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically the Stephen King story, The Monkey done with a meager budget.  Since Merlin director Kenneth J. Merton also directed The Devil’s Gift, its inclusion here seems even more desperate.  The fact that The Devil’s Gift was made in 1984 is painfully obvious as the footage doesn’t match the insert shots of Merlin tracking the monkey down.  The Devil’s Gift was fucking awful to begin with and having it tacked on in such a clumsy manner adds to the overall pain levels.

Oh, and did I mention the whole thing is narrated by Ernest Borgnine?