WOLF DEVIL WOMAN (1982) *** ½

Wolf Devil Woman ranks right up there with Super Infra-Man for sheer bug nuts insanity.  It often feels like an entire season of a TV show edited down into one ninety-minute feature.  Stuff happens so fast that it will make your head spin and you never know what’s going to happen at any given moment.  That’s code for I loved every minute of it.

A couple are cornered by a guy in a bad Halloween costume at the top of a mountain.  To save their baby’s life and prevent themselves a shameful death, they stab each other with their swords and cause an avalanche by repeatedly banging their heads against the ice!  The baby gets swept away by the snow and she is eventually found by a pack of wolves that raise her as their own on an ice set that looks like it took its decorating cues from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.  

(Folks, do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see Wolf Devil Woman right this minute.)

The evil Devil (who looks like a cross between a KKK member, Sho Nuff from The Last Dragon, and Freddy Krueger) is causing havoc using magic to freeze people’s blood. The Old Master knows the only thing that can defeat him is some thousand-year-old ginseng, so he sends his pupil named (wait for it…) The Young Master to find it.  He and his pal Rudi stumble upon the Wolf Woman dressing in wolf skin.  They think she’s a real wolf and accidentally injure her in self-defense. 

There’s a great scene where the Young Master tries to make amends.  He notices Wolf Woman has a hunch and cracks her back for her.  There’s even a Street Fighter-style X-ray shot of her spine being straightened.  Pissed, she bites his wrist.  Since he kinda feels bad for performing an illicit chiropractic procedure without her consent, he LETS HER CHEW ON HIM.

(Seriously, see this movie.  It’s free on Amazon Prime.  It won’t cost you a thing) 

After a while, she gets over that whole back-straightening thing and the Young Master teaches Wolf Woman to talk.  Their language lessons offer up some of the biggest laughs in the movie.  First, he makes her say, “okay”.  Now I believe that’s a word she could say on her first try mastering the English language.  I also believe “snow” would be a decent enough word to learn the second time out.  Then, the Young Master makes her say, “hibiscus”!  I’m no linguist, but that seems like a pretty advanced word for the first day of language lessons if you ask me. 

When Rudi lets slip that they were the ones who accidentally killed her mother, Wolf Woman dyes her hair white with her mind and freaks out.  Young Master and Rudi decide to leave Wolf Woman be, but Devil captures Young Master and turns him into one of his slaves.  He also shows him his collection of zombies.  When he asks why he has them, Devil responds, “This is just an eccentric hobby!”

(Honestly folks, I’m not doing this movie justice.  You need to see it for yourself.)

Wolf Woman gets over the fact that Young Master killed her mother quickly enough and sets out to rescue him.  By that I mean she goes swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan.  Did I miss something?  She was raised by wolves, not monkeys, right?  Are wolves known for their swinging prowess?

Then there’s the scene reminiscent of Splash where she goes to a restaurant and tries to eat properly for the first time.  The sight of Wolf Woman dressed up like and acting not too far removed from Kate Bush is one I won’t soon forget.  When she can’t pay, the owners try to string her up, but she’s saved by Rudi and the Old Master.  They then team up to save Young Master from clutches of the Devil.

(Honestly, turn back now or you run the risk of learning about the scene where Wolf Woman plays Whack-a-Mole with Ninjas in the sand, except she cuts their heads off instead of hitting them with a mallet.)

The finale is incredible too.  Devil confronts The Young Master and sets him on fire.  Remember the hilarious fire animation used on the Human Torch in Roger Corman’s version of The Fantastic Four?  The fire animation in Wolf Devil Woman is even worse.  Just when you stop laughing at that, Wolf Woman bites a chunk out of her arm and PUTS OUT THE FIRE with her own arterial spray!  Incredible.

I’d also like to point out that Wolf Devil Woman is one of the rare ‘70s Kung Fu movies directed by a woman, Ling Chang.  She also helmed the sequel, which appeared the following year.  That one ISN’T on Prime, but I hope to track it down in the near future.  

(Okay, now that the whole thing’s been spoiled for you, you should definitely go and check it out anyway.  You can thank me later.)

AKA:  Venus the Ninja.  AKA:  Wolfen Queen.