FIRST KILL (2017) **

Hayden Christiansen stars as a stockbroker who takes his son out hunting to kill his first deer.  While in the woods, they stumble upon a couple of bank robbers making a botched money exchange.  During the struggle, Christiansen kills one of the thieves in self-defense and the other one takes Christiansen’s kid hostage.  Naturally, the man he killed turns out to be a dirty cop, which gets him in all kinds of hot water with small town sheriff Bruce Willis.  Eventually, the two form an uneasy alliance to recover the money and save Christiansen’s kid. 

First Kill is yet another collaboration between Willis and DTV action vet Steven C. (Arsenal) Miller.  As far as their team-ups go, it’s not as nearly bad as the dull Marauders, nor is it quite as fun as the surprisingly entertaining Extraction.  Although Willis sits out most of the first act, he gets a fair amount of screen time throughout the rest of the picture.  He’s often accused of sleepwalking through his DTV films, but in this one he delivers a decent performance.  Sure, it’s far from his best work, but he doesn’t exactly phone it in either.  Even though Willis looks like he’s putting forth a commendable effort, his character is just too thin to really strike a memorable chord. 

Christiansen likewise fares okay in the lead.  He’ll probably always be in the shadow of Anakin Skywalker, but he shows evidence of having a decent enough DTV career path.  In fact, the early scenes where he and his son are hunting hold a bit of promise as the set-up is certainly strong enough.  It’s just that the ensuing hostage drama is rather boring, and Christiansen’s character’s stupid decision-making process hampers any and all of the potential suspense.  The big twist is predictable too, and Miller allows the finale to play out without much pizzazz.  

The last word on First Kill:  It’s certainly not the worst DTV time-waster Bruce has appeared in, but it’s inessential all the same. 

KILLER CROCODILE 2 (1990) **

A real estate developer is building a new resort in the same Caribbean swamp where the killer crocodile once roamed.  He promises all the toxic waste has been removed from the area, but a reporter (Debra Karr) is wary of his claims, so she teams up with the hero of the first movie (Richard Anthony Crenna) to find out the truth.  Before long, the now fully grown spawn of the original killer crocodile is on the loose and chowing down on would-be tourists. 

Even though this sequel has a shorter running time than the original, it feels even longer.  That’s because it’s chockfull of boring scenes that go nowhere and only get in the way of the killer croc doing his thing.  It also stinks that it takes half the running time for Crenna to show up.  I’m not saying he’s a great actor or anything.  What I am saying is that Karr will grate on the nerves for the first half of the picture.  When they finally get together, things improve somewhat.  The romantic banter between the two is terrible (The African Queen this is not), but Karr’s seduction scene is so patently ridiculous that it’s worth an extra Half Star in my book.  

This first chunk of the flick feels like a bunch of padding in search of a movie.  Flashbacks to the original also help to eat up a lot of screen time.  While many of the attack scenes lack the fun of the first film, the scene where the killer croc chomps down on some Catholic schoolboys is pretty funny. 

If you can get through the gratuitously padded first half, you’ll be rewarded with some seriously silly shenanigans.  The finale almost singlehandedly saves it.  The way director Giannetto De Rossi (the man who created the special effects for the crocodile in both the original and the sequel) cuts back and forth between shots of Crenna on top of the giant rubber croc to shots of an action figure attached to a bath toy crocodile is hilarious.  Oh, and if you thought your jaw dropped during the killer croc’s demise in the first movie, wait till you get a load of its death in this one.

I can’t say Killer Crocodile 2 is a “better” movie than the original.  It’s really slipshod in just about every department.  However, that last twenty minutes is something special.  I can’t really recommend either of them, but if you took the best parts from each film and edited them together into one hour-long YouTube video, you’d definitely have a classic on your hands. 

KILLER CROCODILE (1989) **

A bunch of ecologists head into a swamp to investigate reports of toxic waste dumping.  They soon discover the toxic waste has caused a crocodile to grow to ridiculous size, and it wastes little time turning the eco-friendly eggheads into a hot lunch.  They turn to the local bigwigs for help, but since they’re all corrupt, they only want to keep a lid on things.  Eventually, the environmentalists turn to a crusty big game hunter to help take out the killer croc. 

Killer Crocodile is a gloriously dumb Jaws clone that unfortunately is only intermittently amusing.  Although there are some obvious thematic similarities between the two pictures, the place the film really rips off Jaws in is the music department.  Composer Riz Ortolani is known for his often-beautiful scores, but here, he just blatantly steals most of John Williams’ theme to Jaws with only minor variations. 

There are some fun bits to be sure.  Director Fabrizio (the Thunder Warrior trilogy) De Angelis isn’t above showing the croc in all his rubbery glory, which certainly helps.  The opening unrelated croc attacks are cheesy, and the ending is flat out stupid, and I mean that in the best way possible.  Too bad much of the movie is so sluggishly paced.  

The scenes of the ecologists trying to convince the local honchos the creature should be protected are a tad surprising though.  This is the only unpredictable stretch of the movie.  It might’ve been memorable if the heroes successfully campaigned to keep the monster alive.  It wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, but it would’ve set it apart from the glut of other killer animal flicks.  Luckily for the audience, the characters eventually come to their senses and decide to kill the sucker. 

Despite that novel little twist, there’s just too many lulls in the action to make Killer Crocodile recommended.  Fans of Animals Gone Amuck movies and/or Italian horror hounds are sure to find something of value here.  It’s just that the highlights are few and far between.

AKA:  Murder Alligator.

RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL (2019) **

Running with the Devil is Traffic Lite.  (Or is that Lite Traffic?)  It’s a multi-character dramatization of the world of drug trafficking that contains multiple plotlines that occasionally intersect.  We follow the growers in Columbia, the kingpins in America who import it over the border, the dealers and users on the street, and the federal agents who are trying to bust them. 

After an hour or so of back and forth between characters on both sides of the law, something of a plot begins to form when a street-level hood (Laurence Fishburne) and a high-end importer (Nicolas Cage) team up to deliver a shipment.  Predictably, they soon learn they can’t trust each other.  I like both actors very much, but unfortunately, this potentially potent pairing fizzles quickly as the duo unceremoniously and abruptly go their separate ways. 

All this is kind of by the numbers.  The fractured narrative isn’t especially involving, and the film only gets more muddled as it goes along.  (The final reel is particularly choppy.)  What’s more, you have to contend with a lot of annoying title cards that pop up on screen every time a new character is introduced with nicknames like “The Cook”, “The Man”, and “The Agent in Charge”.  This is a trend that seldom works in goofy DTV action flicks and it seems out of place in a well-intentioned (though severely lackluster) DTV drama.

The good cast keeps you watching.  Leslie Bibb does a fine job as the Fed fighting a futile war, Fishburne is a lot of fun as the wild-eyed dealer with big-time ambitions, and Clifton Collins, Jr. lends some depth to the flimsily written role of a drug farmer.  Most of us will pop this on because of Nicolas Cage, but sadly, he is way too subdued to make it all worthwhile.  His bland character is firmly rooted in Cage’s Everyman Schlub Mode.  Walking with a stoop, wearing glasses, and flatly delivering his lines, Cage kind of gets lost in the shuffle among the countless other bit players and guest stars. 

If you’re looking for Cage’s usual high energy theatrics, you will no doubt be disappointed.  However, you may enjoy Fishburne’s flamboyant performance.  He is by far the most memorable character in the bunch and is clearly having a blast with his sleazy character.  However, whenever Fishburne isn’t on screen, Running with the Devil is running on empty.

THE WOMAN WHO SINNED (1991) **

I’m guilty of watching something solely because it features a certain actor or actress I’m fond of.  This one has several.  We have Tim Matheson, Claudia Christian, Michael Dudikoff, John Vernon, and the late, great Dick Miller.  As an added bonus, it stars TV soap opera legend Susan Lucci, whom I’ve always admired.  Their combined talents aren’t quite enough to elevate this otherwise standard issue TV movie, but I’m still kind of glad I watched it. 

Lucci is accused of killing her best friend.  The problem is, she was cheating on her husband (Matheson) with a hunky, but unstable photographer (Dudikoff) at the time.  When he mysteriously disappears, it leaves Susan without an alibi, making her the prime suspect.  With her court date rapidly approaching, she’s forced to play amateur detective to prove her innocence. 

After a strong set-up, The Woman Who Sinned slowly devolves into a routine TV Movie of the Week thriller.  It suffers from the typical pacing problems that are inherent in these sorts of things, and the plot is pretty predictable too.  We do get one clever edit that announces the untimely death of a character, but for the most part, it’s forgettable in just about every way. 

The film remains watchable thanks to the more than capable cast.  Lucci adeptly carries the movie with her charismatic presence.  She is especially good in her domestic scenes with Matheson, who does a fine job in the thankless husband role.  Their chemistry together helps make their flatly written domestic scenes bearable.  Dudikoff makes for a decent psycho, although the confines of the TV Movie of the Week genre prevent him from really sinking his teeth into the role.  While it’s nice to see Vernon and Miller popping up, I wish had more to do.  Still, their very appearance helps to set The Woman Who Sinned apart from its Made for TV contemporaries. 

AKA:  Mortal Passion.

GRAND ISLE (2020) *

Nicolas Cage hires an out of work ex-military man played by Luke Benward to fix his fence.  A hurricane hits while he’s in the midst of repairs and the hapless handyman finds himself stuck in Cage’s unwelcoming abode for the night.  While there, he must contend with Cage’s vamp of a wife (KaDee Strickland from Anacondas:  The Hunt for the Blood Orchid) who is dead set on putting the moves on him.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long for Cage to make his own proposition to Benward:  $20,000 to off his wife.

Grand Isle is a humdrum, dreary, and lifeless Southern Gothic thriller.  The pacing is inert, the situation is improbable, and the tension is nil.  It takes place mostly in one location, although that seems less like an attempt at claustrophobic atmosphere and more like a cost-effective way to keep the budget in check.

Even though Grand Isle graces us with the presence of a white trash mulleted Nicolas Cage, he curiously manages to underplay the role, which yields little entertainment value.  Even surefire can’t-miss lines like, “So, uh, tell me how long has it been since you had your, uh, COCK sucked?” never really register because he doesn’t seem Cagey enough to make it work.  And trust me, if ever a movie needed some Cagey weirdness, it’s this one.  

You know it’s bad when Kelsey Grammer chews more scenery than Nicolas Cage.  Sporting a thick southern drawl, Grammer shows up as a lawyer in the film’s tiresome framing device.  (It’s one of those “character relates flashbacks from a police holding cell” movies.)  Strickland is nice to look at and all, but she is woefully miscast as the southern belle with a screw loose.  It also doesn’t help that Benward is so goddam bland that he blends in with the wallpaper.  The scenes where Strickland tries to seduce him just lie there because there isn’t a hint of chemistry between them.  

I’m not saying Cage has to chew the scenery in every movie in order for it to be considered praise-worthy.  What I am saying is that if he’s starring in something as bad as this one, his hyperbolic histrionics will at the very least give the film a crutch to lean on when the going gets rough.  And brother, is the going ever rough in Grand Isle.

AKA:  Trapped.

THE KILLING HOUR (1983) ** ½

A serial killer with a penchant for handcuffing his victims is on the loose.  As the detectives on the case look for clues, a trashy TV host named Mac (Riptide’s Perry King) exploits the murders for ratings.  Meanwhile, a clairvoyant art student (Elizabeth Kemp) discovers she has the power to draw pictures of the murders before they happen.  She soon becomes torn between helping the cops with their investigation and appearing on Mac’s show to help draw out the killer. 

The Killing Hour opens with a string of murder set pieces that feel like they came out of an Italian giallo.  These sequences are strong and help to grab your attention, but the rest of the movie is sort of dawdling.  It helps that the film is populated with quirky characters.  The cop (Norman Parker) who vies with King for Kemp’s affections is pretty memorable.  When he isn’t searching for the killer, he’s at the local comedy club polishing up his stand-up act.  (He does a lot of lousy impressions too.)  I also enjoyed Kenneth McMillan as the cranky police captain, who in a funny scene hassles a coroner for a Band-Aid. 

The film is decidedly less entertaining when it becomes a love triangle between Parker, King, and Kemp.  Also, the murders that occur later in the picture aren’t nearly as stylish or effective as the ones that kicked things off.  However, the draggy middle section is somewhat redeemed by the decent twist ending, although the final confrontation with the killer leaves something to be desired. 

This was director Armand Mastroianni’s follow-up to He Knows You’re Alone.  You can see him building on and expanding upon the themes from that film as it feels like grown-up version of a slasher movie masquerading as cop thriller.  (Or vice versa.)  It doesn’t quite work as either, but the cast is strong enough to keep you watching.  Both King and Parker are quite good in the two leads and the supporting cast is better than you’d expect from this sort of thing.  Kemp is really the only weak link as her character feels more like a plot device than an actual human being.  

Despite its flaws, The Killing Hour isn’t a bad way to kill some time.

AKA:  The Clairvoyant.  AKA:  The Killing Kind.  AKA:  American Killing.

RICK SLOANE DOUBLE FEATURE

HOBGOBLINS  (1988)  *

Hobgoblins is the worst Gremlins rip-off of all time, and this is coming from someone who has a soft spot in their heart for Gremlins rip-offs.  It makes Critters seem worthy of a Criterion release in comparison. 

A night watchman at a movie studio discovers the titular beasties while making his rounds.  These little furry monsters make their victims live out their wildest fantasies before killing them.  He stupidly lets them escape from the studio vault, and his friends almost get killed by the little boogers.  The Hobgoblins then take over his uptight girlfriend, who suddenly has an urge to strip at a sleazy club called “Club Scum”.  He and his buddies have to rescue her before she becomes the next casualty of the cretinous creatures.   

Writer/director Rick Sloane has made a career out of making crummy low budget movies.  I can’t say I hate everything he’s done.  I’m one of the staunchest defenders of Vice Academy you’re likely ever to find.  However, trust me when I say that Hobgoblins is among his all-time worst.

If Slone concentrated his efforts on the monsters themselves, it might’ve worked.  Unfortunately, he spends an inordinate amount of time on the annoying teenage characters and their allegedly humorous shenanigans.  The leads are amateurish, shrill, and get on your nerves almost instantly.  The only memorable cast member is Duane Whitaker (who would later to go on to have an infamous part in Pulp Fiction), who plays “Road Rash”, the Club Scum bouncer.  

Even as a fan of Gremlins cash-ins, I have to say Hobgoblins fails on just about every level.  There are just too many scenes here that run on forever and have little to no payoff.  (The extended garden tool duel scene being a prime example.)  The exorbitant exposition in the pre-credits scene could’ve also been trimmed down or taken out altogether.

It’s a shame too because the monsters are kind of cute.  They’re easily the best thing about this turd.  The fact that they are hand puppets is painfully obvious more often than not, but I’ve certainly seen worse creatures, that’s for sure. 

AKA:  Goblins.

THE VISITANTS  (1986)  ½ * 

A nerdy teen discovers his weird neighbors are actually aliens.  Desperate for a good grade in science class, he steals their ray gun and gives it to his teacher to study.  Naturally, his extraterrestrial neighbors want it back.  They eventually wait for Halloween night to retrieve the gun so they can move about the neighborhood freely without being noticed. 

The Visitants is Rick Sloane’s riff on ‘50s Sci-Fi movies, done with zero style, wit, or budget.  Man, if you thought Sloane’s Hobgoblins was bad, wait till you get a load of this.  It’s not nearly as blatantly obnoxious as that film was.  In fact, it’s a lot more innocuous, which is somehow even worse.  Even though Hobgoblins was awful, at least stuff happened in it.  This on the other hand is boring and forgettable.  The film lumbers on for a painful 92 minutes, and just when it feels like it’s wrapping things up, it continues on for another ten agonizing minutes.  

I know this is an early entry in Slone’s oeuvre, so I guess I should be kind of lenient as it’s obvious the man was still learning his craft (although whether he ever truly mastered it is up for debate).  However, even early on in his career, his shortcomings are evident.  As with Hobgoblins, there’s a lot of padding.  The opening sequence runs on far too long. and there’s a Halloween party scene that feels like it goes on for an eternity.  The actors are even worse than the ones in Hobgoblins (if you can believe it), with the teenage characters being particularly annoying.  The humor is also weak, even by Sloane’s low standards, and the finale is awful.  The alien creature is especially pathetic.  (The rubber mask rattles around on the actor’s head.)

In short, I can’t say I’ll ever again work up the courage to revisit The Visitants.

DOMINO (2019) *

Brian De Palma is one of my favorite filmmakers of all time.  Even his misses are usually more interesting than most director’s best stuff.  The same can’t be said for his latest effort, Domino.  I can’t quite say it’s De Palma’s worst movie, but it’s definitely his most lackluster (and boring).

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau stars as a Copenhagen cop who accidentally leaves his gun at home when he goes on duty.  Because of his forgetfulness, his partner is killed and the murderer (Eriq Ebouaney) escapes.  He naturally vows to avenge his partner’s death.  The only problem is the killer just so also happens to be doing the dirty work for a shady CIA man (Guy Pearce) who will stop at nothing to make sure his asset is well protected.

It’s always fun to see De Palma channeling Hitchcock.  Domino kicks off with a blatant copy of Vertigo in which the hero hangs by his fingernails from a high rooftop.  On paper, this should’ve been gangbusters, but the execution feels tired, as if De Palma is only going through the motions.  Even his trademark use of split screen is a bust here, mostly due to the fact that one half of the screen looks like something out of a first-person video game.  Likewise, the score feels like a pale imitation of past Hitchcock scores.  To make matters worse, the music is often halfhearted and rarely matches the action on screen. 

It also doesn’t help that Coster-Waldau makes for an incredibly bland lead.  Looking like a budget version of Aaron Eckhart, he sleepwalks through most of the movie.  The only spark comes from Pearce whose dirty CIA character feels like he came out of an entirely different (better) thriller. 

Mostly though, Domino falls down because it’s so dull and slow moving.  The action is piss-poor too.  Although the set-up holds promise, things only get worse as the film plods along.  The second half is particularly dire, and the finale is laughably bad.  Even the most ardent De Palma devotees may have a hard time defending this one.

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965) *

A little boy named Sonny falls asleep while his mother reads him a bedtime story.  He then sleepwalks into an oversized book of fairy tales and winds up in a parade balloon warehouse where he meets (among other things) talking balloons, watches ballerinas, and participates in a western square dance.  Sonny soon finds himself out on the street watching a very long Christmas parade full of odd balloons, floats, and (too many) marching bands.

Fun in Balloon Land is a very strange ‘60s oddity that seems to be made for children, but in reality, it’s stealth propaganda for balloon manufacturer Giant Balloon Parades, Inc.  Although it’s less than an hour long, it feels much longer than that.  It’s pretty terrible in just about every way imaginable, and yet there are so many weird and disturbing images here that it’s hard to look away.

The most uncomfortable moment comes when Sonny is running around the “underwater” section of the balloon warehouse where he encounters a giant talking lobster.  What makes this scene upsetting isn’t the constant sound of water gurgling on the soundtrack to remind us we’re underwater (although no attempt was made to represent it visually).  What’s disturbing is the fact that Sonny is wearing very tight, very short gold lame shorts, and nothing else the entire time.  

Most of the running time is devoted to the parade scene.  Here, a drunk sounding woman with a thick Philly accent narrates the action, recites nursery rhymes, and hurls out perplexing non-sequiturs as the parade goes by.  Imagine watching a dime store version of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade narrated by your drunk aunt and you might have some idea of what to expect.  Then again, that still might not be enough to prepare you for such WTF floats as “The Marrying Turkey”.  

Speaking of which, yes, Fun in Balloon Land is a turkey all right, but it’s not one I’ll forget any time soon.

SHOCKING DARK (1989) *

At a time when ripping off James Cameron’s The Abyss was all the rage, Italian schlock director Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei took it upon himself to rip-off not one, but TWO of Cameron’s other movies.  You might not believe it, but Shocking Dark is Mattei’s blatant low budget rip-off of Aliens and The Terminator.  If only Mattei tossed in some flying piranha as a tribute to Cameron’s Piranha 2, he could’ve made it a hat trick. 

Instead of going to a distant planet to fight monsters, like in Aliens, a group of soldiers go into the caverns of Venice on a rescue mission.  The only survivor is a little girl (Dominica Coulson) who latches onto the head researcher Sara (Haven Tyler) in a way very reminiscent of Newt and Ripley in Aliens.  It doesn’t take long for the creatures to start picking off the soldiers, but Sara soon finds herself with another problem to contend with:  A murderous android who has infiltrated their group.

There are many moments here that egregiously copy from Aliens.  We have a scene where the soldiers find humans cocooned into the wall (it looks like dime store Halloween cobweb decorations), a part where the Ripley and Newt copycats are stuck inside a locked room with a murderous alien, and a sequence where the troops use a tracking device (it looks like a pocket calculator) to find the monsters.  A lot of these bits are ripped off beat by beat from Aliens.  The big difference here is that it sucks big time.

While the bad movie lover in me loved seeing Cameron’s work so mercilessly aped, the fact of the matter is most of this is just too boring to work as an effective rip-off.  Haven Tyler is no Sigourney Weaver either.  Heck, her character is often frightened and needs the men in the group to constantly save her.  The rest of the acting is awful, and the hyperventilating histrionics and terrible dialogue aren’t even loopy enough to muster any so-bad-it’s-good laughs.  The production design is crummy too as most of the movie takes place in a series of boiler rooms and basements, and the monsters are inconsistent, non-threatening, and thoroughly stupid looking.  (They all look like props left over from other movies that have been hastily repurposed.)

That’s not even bringing up the Terminator rip-off aspects, which are half-assed at best and are relegated to the last twenty minutes or so of the movie.  Plus, you also have to deal with the annoying kid who screams, “Sara!” every forty-five seconds or so.  Speaking of annoying, there’s also a constant beeping sound effect that plays throughout the film that sounds like a dump truck backing up.  

In short, Shocking Dark deserves to be nuked from orbit.  It’s the only way to be sure.

AKA:  Terminator 2.  AKA:  Alienators.  AKA:  Aliens 2.

THE SEARCH FOR WENG WENG (2014) ***

Australian video store owner Andrew Leavold’s obsession with Weng Weng, the diminutive star of such WTF Filipino exploitation films as For Y’ur Height Only and The Impossible Kid, leads him to travel to Manila to find out the story of Weng’s rise and fall.  Early in his journey, Leavold learns Weng passed away some time ago, but undeterred, he presses on.  As chance would have it, he bumps into the editor of Weng’s films in a parking lot, and he just so happens to know where all the old timer Filipino stuntmen hang out.  There, he finds many of Weng’s former costars and directors, all of whom are more than eager to tell all about his story.

The Search for Weng Weng works not only as a heartfelt tribute to the smallest star of the big screen (at 2’ 9”, he’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for shortest leading man), but it’s also a bizarre and sometimes surreal documentary in its own right.  Much of the fun comes from seeing how sheer dumb luck keeps propelling Leavold forward on his filmmaking quest.  He even winds up getting a face to face interview with former Filipino First Lady, Imelda Marcos, who had Weng as her guest many times.  (She even invites the documentary crew to visit her husband's perfectly preserved corpse in the family crypt!)  

The biggest takeaway from all this (which is also evident in Weng’s films) is that Weng had a genuine screen presence and charisma.  Yes, the productions were often slipshod, and many of the jokes were aimed at him, but he did a great job within the confines of those movies, which had their own unique quirky charm.  Plus, Weng did all his own amazing stunts!  I mean, of course he did.  At 2’ 9”, who could possibly double for him?  The Search for Weng Weng is further proof good things come in small packages.

THE LEGEND OF THE RED DRAGON (1994) ***

I always say, “If you have to steal, steal from the best”.  Well, The Legend of the Red Dragon opens with a scene that directly rips off Lone Wolf and Cub!  That right there was a clue this movie was going to kick some ass.

Jet Li returns home and finds his family murdered.  The only survivor of the slaughter is his little baby.  Knowing he’ll be on the run from his enemies for the rest of his life, Jet gives the kid a choice:  The sword or his toys.  If his son chooses the toys, that means he’s too young to follow him on his adventure.  If he chooses the sword, that means the kid is ready for a life of violence and mayhem.

He wisely chooses the sword. 

Almost immediately, they are jumped by Ninjas.  An all-out badass brawl ensues, culminating with an awesome fight scene where Jet squares off against the villain, who is brandishing a giant flaming timber.  It’s truly an applause-worthy sequence and a heck of a way to kick off a Kung Fu flick. 

After that, Jet takes the kid and hides out from his enemies.  Unlike Lone Wolf and Cub, he doesn’t push the tyke around in a booby-trapped, heavily armored baby carriage.  Instead, a few years pass, and he and his son (who has religiously trained with his father over the years to become something of a Kung Fu expert himself), travel through the countryside incognito.  Facing starvation, the proud Li lowers himself by accepting work as a bodyguard for a rich braggart as a way to put food on the table.  His new boss is about to marry a woman who only wants to steal his riches. Naturally, she and Jet kind of develop a thing for each other.  Before long though, Jet’s enemies show up looking for him and his kid, leading to more Kung Fu madness.

The Legend of the Red Dragon contains many wild, energetic, and memorable fight scenes.  Among my favorites, Jet’s fight with his master’s fiancée (who uses knitting needles, thread, and measuring tape as weapons) and his son’s brawl with a bunch of streetwise brats.  The villain is also something else.  He rides around in a metallic death machine that looks like something from Wayne Enterprises.  There’s even a scene where he rips a dude in half.  LENGTHWISE.  WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

Unfortunately, the movie starts to run out of steam as it enters the third act.  I mean it couldn’t possibly maintain the energy of the early action sequences, but it certainly tries.  Also, the action in some sequences is so hectic that it becomes a bit numbing after a while.  A lot of the humor falls flat too (like when the master’s future mother in-law accidentally doses herself with aphrodisiac).  Those qualms aside, The Legend of the Red Dragon is a rip-snorting buffet of asskickery.  Any Jet Li fan worth their salt should check it out.

AKA:  The New Legend of Shaolin.  AKA:  Master of Shaolin.  AKA:  Legend of the Future Shaolin.  AKA:  The Legend of Red Dragon.  AKA:  Legends of Shaolin.  

THE GENERAL (1926) ***

Buster Keaton stars as a man who tries to enlist in the Confederate Army and is denied because his services as a train engineer are considered too valuable to let him go to war.  When his best girl (Marion Mack) is kidnapped by Yankee spies, he hops in his train and tries to get her back.  He succeeds, and together, they head for home in his trusty locomotive with the Northern Army breathing down his neck.

I’m familiar with the works of silent comedy legends Charlie Chaplin and Harold Lloyd, but somehow, I haven’t seen any of Buster Keaton’s films.  I had always heard The General was a great movie, and yet I just never got around to seeing it.  I thought I’d rectify that, seeing as I really could use a good laugh these days.  Even though I had always wanted to see the flick, I didn’t really know much about the plot.  I was a little taken aback by the Confederacy angle, especially given the current circumstances.  I guess it’s just a case of poor timing. 

I know there are probably many people out there who won’t watch this because the hero is Confederate, and that is okay.   Then again, there are probably just as many people who won’t watch it just because it’s a silent movie.  That’s unfortunate too, because while I didn’t like it quite as much as some of Chaplin and Lloyd’s stuff, it’s full of laughs, terrific stunt work, and some amazing set pieces. 

You can see The General’s influence throughout cinema history.  Keaton performs some leaps and bounds here that probably inspired Jackie Chan.  The scene where he narrowly avoids the shit thrown at him by the villains is very much like a Looney Tunes cartoon.  It’s also easy to imagine George Miller taking notes while watching this as the action in both Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and Mad Max:  Fury Road owe a huge debt to this film. 

The train chase scenes occur at a breathless pace.  What makes them particularly noteworthy is that most of the action takes place on a speeding train as it’s barreling down a set of railroad tracks.  It’s ingenious how the film piles up the peril and Keaton is somehow always able to slip out of danger. 

The General is not a perfect movie though.  Even at 78 minutes, it feels much too long.  The final battle sequence between the North and South was superfluous and pales next to the railroad chase scenes.  However, the exploding bridge scene is a jaw-dropper.  I mean, they really blew up a bridge while a speeding train was on the tracks, and it is nothing short of spectacular.  Seriously, fuck CGI. 

US (2019) ***

Lupita Nyong’o stars as a woman who had a traumatic incident in a funhouse as a child.  Years later, she and her family vacation in the same seaside resort town and are besieged by creepy mirror image versions of themselves.  They try to escape, but soon discover they can’t outrun their deadly doubles forever.

Us is Jordan Peele’s follow-up to his smash hit Get Out.  I must say I liked it even more than Get Out.  While that film had promise, it ultimately felt like an overlong Twilight Zone episode.  Us has some of the same weaknesses that flick had (it runs on too long and suffers from a predictable twist ending), but unlike Get Out, Us has a handful of genuinely suspenseful sequences, some big laughs, and a creepy atmosphere that surrounds the entire picture. 

Overall, Us is probably about twenty minutes too long (it’s nearly two hours), but when it hits its sweet spot, it’s a crackling good time.  The middle section of the film is gripping as Hell as it brims with tension as the family fights back against their disturbed doppelgängers.  The scene where they take refuge with a family friend is equally intense and contains at least one big belly laugh courtesy of an Alexa type device.  

The cast are all strong and do a fine job playing both their evil twins and their normal selves.  Lupita is particularly good in the lead, and Winston (Spenser:  Confidential) Duke has several funny moments as her disbelieving husband.  Elisabeth (The Invisible Man) Moss also gets a memorable scene when her psychotic double flips her shit.

Peele once again shows he is a filmmaker who is unafraid to take the horror genre into new places.  At first glance, there’s not as much social commentary here as there was in Get Out.  Then again, those scenes of the family sitting around the TV watching in shock as the world goes to Hell in a handbasket hit kinda close to the mark these days.