U-571 (2000) ***

U-571 is a good, old-fashioned throwback to the WWII “Men on a Mission” movies that used to play non-stop on TBS back in the day.  It was also riding the coattails of a couple of then-current trends.  It’s a submarine movie like Crimson Tide, a boat-sinking movie starring Bill Paxton like Titanic, and the stuff with the seasoned veteran of the team being killed off halfway through is a lot like Executive Decision.   

During WWII, the Americans intercept a transmission that a German U-Boat is left off the coast in less than ship shape condition.  Paxton leads a team of men to intercept the ship posing as German mechanics so they can steal an Enigma coding device onboard the vessel which may be the key to turning the tide of the war.  Things do not go as planned and the men find themselves stranded aboard an enemy vessel fighting for their lives. 

The cast is solid, through and through.  We have Matthew McConaughey as the wet-behind-the-ears officer who isn’t ready to lead his men, Paxton as his hardass mentor, and Harvey Keitel as his trusty right-hand man.  As good as McConaughey and Paxton are, it’s Keitel who gets the best scene where he gives McConaughey a much-needed pep talk.  Heck, even Jon Bon Jovi is pretty good in this.   

The action and suspense is handled with efficiency by journeyman director Jonathan Mostow.  It’s not as good as his other films like Breakdown and Terminator 3, but it's an absorbing and entertaining war thriller all the same.  While it never quite kicks into overdrive, it has a number of effective sequences.  There are also more submarine movie cliches than you can shake a stick at, so fans of WWII sub action will be sure to enjoy it. 

The movie got a lot of flack at the time of release because it was in fact the English who recovered the Enigma coding device and not us Americans.  If you are a stickler for history, you might find all this hard to swallow.  If, however, you just want a gripping, entertaining war flick with a reliable cast, U-571 will fit the bill. 

FRIED BARRY (2021) ** ½

Barry (Gary Green) is a junkie who walks out on his family, shoots some heroin, and gets abducted by aliens.  They experiment on him and send him back home a little worse for wear.  He then stumbles around Cape Town getting into various (mostly sexual) misadventures.   

Fried Barry starts off like a cross between Requiem for a Dream and Fire in the Sky.  There are also moments that might make you think of Liquid Sky and Species 2 too.  If you can’t already tell, all of this is wildly uneven.  There are some really great stretches here that are immediately followed by some head-scratching sequences.  However, if you can make it through the weak patches, you’ll be rewarded with some truly oddball stuff.  The episodic nature of the whole thing may turn some viewers off, but it has enough weirdness here that it’s hard to completely dismiss. 

Everything is filmed in one of those newfangled styles I like to call “Carpenter Chic”.  The camerawork, music, and even the font used in the title sequence is very much inspired by John Carpenter.  That doesn’t quite enhance the overall experience, but I like it when filmmakers wear their influences on their sleeves. 

Fried Barry doesn’t quite click, but it certainly has some memorable set pieces and moments.  My favorite bit was the scene where he bangs a hooker who immediately goes into labor and gives birth, much to her pimp’s confusion.  There’s also an intermission that looks like something out of 2001, and an ending that, incredibly enough, blatantly rips off E.T.  Even though much of this is overly familiar, the film does manage to blaze a few new trails.  I mean we’ve seen plenty of alien anal probes before.  This flick gives us what might be the screen’s first penile probe.  So, it has that going for it. 

Fried Barry is based on a short film, which I haven’t seen.  If I had to guess, I’d say that writer/director Ryan Kruger took what he could from the short and just kept adding more quirky scenes at random till he got to a feature length running time.  Because of that, it plays more like a mix tape of ‘80s pop culture influences funneled into a druggie hang-out movie.  It’s often slipshod and messy, but I’ll be damned if parts of it don’t work.  I can’t quite recommend it, but I’m curious to see what Kruger will do next. 

SAKURA KILLERS (1987) ***

I’ve been having pretty good luck here lately watching any old movie that I randomly stumble upon on Tubi.  Sakura Killers kept the hot streak going.  The opening is great.  It features Ninjas attacking an office building, crawling up the wall like a Wacky Wall Walker, and stealing a vital videotape. (Beta, no less!)  Then, the action switches over to Chuck Connors practicing his golf game on his ranch.  The Ninjas try to sneak up on him, but little do they know he keeps a shotgun in his golf bag for occasions such as these, and he blows them away.   

What makes Connors’ character great in this is that he almost always is seen wearing a Brooklyn Dodgers hat and jacket.  If you’re a fan of the man, you’ll know that he really played for the team back in the day.  I’m not sure if we are supposed to believe he’s playing himself, but I’d like to think so.  He’s only referred to as “The Colonel”, so I guess anything is possible.  Then again, if that were true, he would’ve been packing a rifle in his golf bag instead of a shotgun, seeing as he is The Rifleman and all.   

Anyway, Chuck sends these two guys who look like the Sam’s Club version of Michael Dudikoff and Steve James from the American Ninja movies to recover the tape.  Whenever they hit a plot dead end, they call Chuck back at the ranch.  Basically, it’s all edited together like a Godfrey Ho cut-and-paste Ninja movie except it’s got Chuck Connors instead of Richard Harrison.  That is to say, it’s pretty awesome.  

Sakura Killers is packed with laugh-a-minute action for the first half-hour or so.  In that time, we get a homoerotic training montage. an ‘80s aerobicizing montage, and a Ninja training montage.  I must admit, the laughs get a bit sparser as the movie goes along.  The film especially lacks inspiration once Connors is sidelined from the action (although he does occasionally pop up to reiterate plot points and remind the audience who is top billed).  That said, there’s plenty of amusing bits along the way to make this a treat for fans of Ninja cinema.   

Such treats include a scene where our heroes inexplicably turn into Ninjas wearing gold and silver devil masks and defeat a henchman by slamming his balls into a tree trunk.  I think the best part though was the finale in which the villainous Ninja travels underground just like Bugs Bunny!  Then in the midst of battle, he uses Ninja Scarecrows (!!!) to confuse our heroes.  No matter what the film’s shortcomings may be, any picture that features a villain using Ninja Scarecrows is OK in my book.

FANNY HILL (1983) ***

Homeless virgin Fanny Hill (Lisa Foster from Cave Dwellers) is taken in by the madam of a brothel (Paddie O’Neil).  She sells Fanny’s virginity to an old codger, but she runs off with a young suitor.  When his father learns of the affair, he forbids the relationship, leaving Fanny to return to her life of sin.  Eventually, Fanny quits the establishment and winds up working for an upscale madam (Shelley Winters).  When one of her rich clients (Buck Rogers’ Wilfred Hyde-White) kicks off, he leaves Fanny a giant inheritance which allows her to reunite with her true love.   

The set-up is kind of long-winded and the stuff in between the nude scenes is mostly unfunny.  The budget is a bit higher than your typical ‘80s sexploitaton period comedy though, which helps.  The costumes are especially well done and make it feel like you’re watching a “real” movie rather than a bawdy Skinamax T & A flick.  

Fortunately, whenever Foster is front and center getting naked (which is often), Fanny Hill is a lot of fun.  Fanny takes baths, has lesbian encounters, and engages in various sexual misadventures.  One of her lovers has a horse-riding fetish, and whenever he doesn’t please her, Fanny resorts to seducing a young stablehand. There are also scenes of Fanny spying on other working girls, and even a little S & M thrown in there for good measure.  It’s a shame Foster only appeared in a handful of films because she has an engaging presence.  She later quit acting and began a career in visual effects, working on such films as Cliffhanger and Die Hard with a Vengeance.   

The supporting cast is a lot of fun too.  Oliver Reed is a hoot as the goofy lawyer.  His highly tweaked performance nearly reaches Nicolas Cage levels of weirdness.  Raising his voice to a high-pitched squeal, it often sounds like he was huffing helium just before cameras rolled.  (He kind of sounds like a British version of Popeye.)  I don’t know if the director just didn’t give a shit or if Reed was in the midst of a week-long drunk, but it’s pretty amusing to watch.  It’s also fun seeing Winters grinding out a paycheck in something like this, and Hyde-White is pretty funny as Fanny’s old rich john. 

AKA:  Sex, Lies and Renaissance.  

WITHOUT REMORSE (2021) **

Amazon had a hit with that Jack Ryan TV show, so they doubled down on the Tom Clancy by greenlighting this movie.  I’ve never seen the Jack Ryan show, so I can’t say whether or not it will be connected, but it definitely feels more like a TV show than a real motion picture.  That’s not a knock really against the flick.  It’s just that it doesn’t feel all that cinematic.  The overly familiar plot and underwhelming action only highlight that fact. 

Michael B. Jordan stars as John Kelly, a Special Forces soldier whose wife and unborn child are murdered in a hit intended for him.  He soon goes out for revenge on the people responsible.  With a set-up like that, this should’ve played like gangbusters, but Sicario 2 director Stefano Sollima just sort of phones it in when it comes to the action.  There’s nothing terribly wrong with it, mind you.  He keeps the camera still, which is always a plus.  However, there’s nothing here that will get your fist pumping.  

I’m a sucker for a good revenge movie, but somehow, it all just sort of fizzles out.  There are moments here that not only crib from Death Wish, but also Mission:  Impossible (the scenes where Jordan’s team members are bumped off) and Bronson (there’s a prison cell fight where Jordan single-handedly takes on a bunch of guards).  These moments are competently handled.  It’s just you’ve seen it all before and done better elsewhere. 

Without Remorse also pales in comparison to the other Clancy adaptations that came before.  Those films carried themselves with a bit more self-importance, even if they were just dressed up action movies for dads. This one drops the pretension, but it fails to deliver on the fun.   

Jordan delivers a strong performance.  He deserves much better.  His Fantastic Four co-star Jamie Bell also shows up playing a two-faced CIA agent, but he looks more like a geeky intern than a two-faced government official.  Heck, even the usually-game Guy Pearce looks kind of bored. 

I guess this is like the monkey paw version of an action movie.  Every time I see an action flick filled with jerky camerawork and ADD editing, I groan. Here’s one in which the action is captured in a competent and clear manner, but the film itself is inert and by the numbers.  It also doesn’t help that it doesn’t have a big finale to give its hero a proper send-off.  Make sure you stick around for the Avengers-style set-up for a sequel.  I won’t be holding my breath for it to come to fruition, that’s for sure.  

This movie has been in the works for a while.  I remember it first being announced around the same time Clear and Present Danger was released.  (Jordan is playing the same character Willem Dafoe played in that flick, and who was later portrayed by Liev Schreiber in The Sum of All Fears.)  If the final product is any indication, Without Remorse probably deserved to stay on the back burner.

IMPULSE (1974) ***

William Grefe, the man who made Sting of Death, the greatest Jellyfish Man movie of all time, directed William Shatner in a horror movie?  How am I just now learning about this?  As fun as a lot of Grefe’s down and dirty filmography is, this one just rocketed up to the number one spot as my favorite. 

The opening is legitimately off-putting and creepy.  A young boy catches his promiscuous mother making whoopee with a randy soldier (played by none other than William Kerwin from Blood Feast).  When he grabs the kid and tries to force him on his own mother, the boy grabs a samurai sword (!) and runs it into the john’s abdomen.   

That boy grows up to become William Shatner!  He is a modern-day Bluebeard who marries and kills for money.  When his latest girlfriend catches him with another woman, Shatner snaps and strangles her.  He then sets out to put the moves on his latest victim.  Her precocious daughter immediately knows he’s a loon and naturally, no one believes her.   

Shatner overacts to the hilt.  If you thought he was hammy on Star Trek, wait till you see him here.  He’s an out and out suckling pig in this one.  My favorite scene comes when he picks the daughter up hitchhiking and runs over a dog with her in the car.  The way he hysterically reassures her, “It’s okay, they lick their wounds” is downright amazing.  Seeing him regressing to a childlike state and blubbering, psychotically is a real treat too.   

Parts of Impulse are kind of slow and/or resemble a Made for TV movie, but it has a real nasty streak at times and a handful of memorable set pieces.  (It would make a great double feature with Scream for Help.)  There’s a great murder sequence set inside a car wash, an amusing scene in a funeral home, and the ending is a lot of fun too. 

It may not be perfect, but where else are you going to see Captain Kirk being intimidated by Odd Job from Goldfinger?

NEXT OF KIN (1982) **

Linda (Jacki Kerin) receives word her mother has died.  She inherits the old gal’s nursing home and decides to take it over.  Before long, the ancient residents start kicking the bucket.  Is it just old age, or is something more sinister going on? 

Well, you have to wait a LONG time to find out.   

Next of Kin (which should not be confused with the far superior Patrick Swayze action flick from 1989) is one of those slow burn kinds of horror movies.  While it isn’t very successful, at least director Tony Williams provides some rather dazzling camerawork during the slow stretches (of which there are many) to make the events seem more interesting than they actually are.   

Williams also cribs from everything from Diabolique to The Changeling to Don’t Look Now to ‘Salem’s Lot.  These little visual cues are fun for film snobs.  However, when they are pieced together, it doesn’t amount to a whole heck of a lot.   

Slow burns are a tricky thing.  If the finale comes off like gangbusters, all is forgiven.  On the other hand, if you don’t stick the landing, the audience will be asking for a refund.  This one kind of falls somewhere in between.  The climax isn’t bad.  In fact, there are parts of it that really work.  Ultimately, it just isn’t enough of a payoff to justify the slower-than-slow set-up. 

Part of the problem is the setting.  I mean a nursing home just isn’t an ideal location for a horror movie.  Why have a bunch of old geezers running around when you could’ve had this take place at a summer camp for nubile horny camp counselors?  I appreciate that Williams was trying to think outside of the box and all, but there’s a reason why the typical horror formula works best with sexed-up teens instead of crusty codgers.   

Kerin does a good job as the waifish heroine.  She kind of has a Nastassja Kinski quality about her that’s appealing.  John (Wolf Creek) Jarratt lends fine support as her boyfriend, even though it’s a mostly thankless role.  Neither performer is quite able to salvage the film though.  

AKA:  Hell House.

BACKSTREET JUSTICE (1994) ** ½

Linda (Crocodile Dundee) Kozlowski stars as a tough private investigator who is hired by the residents of a Pittsburgh slum to catch a serial killer.  She eventually discovers it is the work of dirty cops who are in cahoots with a shady land developer who is trying to devalue the property so he can buy it up at bargain prices.  The cops behind the plot just might also be the ones who disgraced her father’s good name years ago, which gives Linda an added incentive to bring the bad guys down.   

Kozlowski makes for a solid lead.  If you only know her from the Crocodile Dundee movies, you might think she’s been miscast as a karate-kicking vigilante, but she equips herself just as well as can be expected.  The supporting cast is a lot stronger than it needs to be, which helps keep you invested, even when the film starts to spin its wheels.  Hector Elizondo does a fine job as Kozlowski’s mentor, Paul Sorvino chews a lot of scenery as the stereotypical Yelling Captain, and John Shea is a sturdy enough romantic lead for this kind of thing.   

Backstreet Justice makes for a serviceable, if maybe a bit forgettable way to kill ninety minutes.  It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, but it gets the job done for the most part.  Although things tend to get a tad plot-heavy at times (especially in the second act), Kozlowski’s feisty performance ensures you won’t be bored.  

Overall, this is slightly better than your average lady avenger flick.  Sure, it could’ve used a bit more action, a little less exposition, and a heavier concentration of exploitation elements to really put it over the top.  (Kozlowski does get a pretty good nude scene though.)  However, undiscriminating fans of ‘90s vigilante actioners should be moderately entertained by Kozlowski’s crimefighting shenanigans. 

AKA:  Dead Wrong.