SCREAM 7 (2026) ***

Ghost Face(s) is on the loose once again.  This time they come after not only the O.G. Final Girl of the series, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) but her teenage daughter Tatum (Isabel May) as well.  Making it even harder to unmask the killers is the fact that they hide their identities behind AI technology. 

It took a while for me to get around to seeing Scream 7.  The early reviews were toxic, which was surprising, especially considering the fact that they brought Neve back to the franchise.  Maybe it was the low expectations, but I thought this was one of the best entries in the series. 

Maybe the hate was centered around the killers’ use of AI.  I know it’s low hanging fruit, but I thought it was implemented well enough.  I mean Ghost Face has always hidden behind a voice modulator.  Hiding his face behind AI that alters his appearance on Face Time calls just feels like the next step in the technological order. 

Having original screenwriter Kevin Williamson back to not only co-write the script, but direct was a no-brainer.  I’m actually surprised it took them so long to bring him back to the franchise.  He does a fine job behind the camera and delivers some solid suspense sequences.  The opening set piece (set at the original Scream house, which has been retrofitted into an Airbnb) gets the movie off to a strong start.  We also get fun stalk and slash scenes in a theater, behind a wall, and in a tavern.  Williamson also ups the gore too and gives us at least one applause worthy death that plays like a riff on the famous kill from My Bloody Valentine. 

The thing that makes the film work is that Sidney is once again front and center where she belongs.  It’s a nice change of pace from all that “passing the torch” crap they have been trying to sell us for the past few entries.  Just give her a daughter who’s a chip of the old block and have them kick Ghost Face’s butt together.  Williamson keeps it simple and the results are damned entertaining, especially for a seventh entry in a long running slasher series. 

OBLIVION (1994) ***

Longtime Incredible Hulk scribe Peter David wrote this low budget Sci-Fi western for Full Moon.  It’s got a great cast, some genuine laughs, and moves at a breezy pace.  It’s definitely one of the company’s better mid-'90s efforts. 

Andrew Divoff is Redeye, a snake-faced outlaw who takes over the titular futuristic Wild West town and kills the sheriff.  His son Zack (Richard Joseph Paul) comes to town, but since he’s an empath, he refuses to get involved.  Once Redeye and his gang take the pretty Miss Mattie (Jackie Swanson) hostage, Zach sets aside his nonviolent ways to kick some alien ass. 

Directed by Sam (Elvira’s Haunted Hills) Irvin, Oblivion is a rip-roaring good time.  The only fault I could find with his direction was that he goes a bit overboard with the slow-motion in some scenes.   It would’ve been different if he was doing a homage to Spaghetti Westerns or something, but it just seems like a way to draw out the action.  However, that’s just a minor drawback, all things considered. 

David’s script isn’t exactly “smart” but it is pretty clever.  I enjoyed the “futuristic” touches like a Wild West town having an ATM and the cowboys playing handheld video poker.  The funniest scene is when a somber funeral is interrupted by a bingo game in the next room.  The fun giant scorpion stop motion monsters by David Allen are cool too. 

The leads aren’t as good as the supporting cast but that’s perfectly acceptable, especially when everyone seems to be having a ball. Julie Newmar is a hoot as Miss Kitty, the madam of a brothel who still purrs like she’s playing Catwoman.  We also have Carel (Twin Peaks) Struycken as a psychic undertaker, Musetta Vander (who kind of resembles a Great Value Ornella Muti) as Divoff’s whip wielding dominatrix cowgirl sidekick, Meg Foster as a cyborg deputy, Star Trek’s George Takei as the town drunk, and Isaac Hayes as a trader. 

David’s script has plenty of solid one-liners too. One of my favorites came when Divoff told his slow-witted henchman, “I have hemorrhoids smarter than you!”  It’s Takei who gets the best line in the scene where he gets drunk on Jim Beam and says, “Jim, beam me up!”

AKA:  Aliens and Desperados.  AKA:  Alien Desperados.  AKA:  Welcome to Oblivion. 

ULTRAMAN: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS (1987) **

Hanna-Barbera teamed up with Tsuburaya Productions for this cartoon adaptation of the beloved Japanese superhero Ultraman for American audiences.  It’s kind of ho-hum, and it suffers from some needlessly Americanized aspects.  Still, Ultraman completists will want to check it out.

Three stunt pilots have a near death experience and are saved by aliens who fuse with their bodies to make them Ultramen.  Meanwhile, monsters from a distant nebula fall to Earth hidden inside of asteroids.  The pilots eventually embrace their new powers by doing battle with a plant monster in New Orleans, a robotic lizard in San Francisco, a clumsy dinosaur in Utah, and finally a monster that grows at an exponential rate in New York. 

Even though the film is from Hanna-Barbera, the animation itself looks closer to a typical Japanese anime.  It is kind of neat seeing the Japanese mythology tweaked for US audiences, as is the way they make use of American iconography.  (Ultraman bases are hidden inside of golf courses and Mount Rushmore.)  However, the Americanization takes away some of the uniquely Japanese aspects of the source material and as a consequence, it feels more like a watered-down imitation.  In an effort to make something more accessible, the producers have wound up making it more generic. 

The brash pilots (voiced by Michael Lembeck, Chad Everett, and Adrienne Barbeau) aren’t really endearing (I think Top Gun was a major influence here) and their comic relief robot companions are pretty annoying too.  Also, even though this was intended as a feature length standalone movie, it still feels like a bunch of episodes strung together, thanks to the fractured narrative.  That said, Ultraman:  The Adventure Begins is essentially a goofy cartoon meant for kids and maybe a dude in his forties shouldn’t be over-analyzing every little detail of it. 

AKA:  Ultraman:  USA.

ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS: BLOOD OF THE LEOPARD (1993) *** ½

Lin Chung (Tony Ka Fai Leung) is a benevolent soldier and Kung Fu expert.  His beautiful wife (Joey Wang) catches the eye of a sleazy lowlife who also happens to be the pampered son of a high ranking general.  Meanwhile, Lin Chung befriends an obnoxious but knowledgeable Kung Fu monk named Ru (Elvis Tsui) and the pair becomes inseparable.  After Chung is framed for an attempted assassination, he is punished and sent to the front line of battle.  While he is away, his wife is killed by her stalker.  Naturally, Chung and Ru go out for revenge. 

Based on the Chinese classic, The Water Margin (which had been filmed many times before), this ‘90s version of the historical Kung Fu epic has a little something for everybody.  There’s romance, comedy, drama, and of course, lots of action.  The various sword fights and Kung Fu battles are handled with a lot of pizzazz and feature some impressive and frenetic wirework.  We even get a couple of brief (but choice) gory moments as there is at least one memorable beheading scene and one semi-comic bit in which a guy is cut in half lengthwise. 

The dynamic between Ru, Ching, and his wife is what sets All Men are Brothers apart from similar action epics of the era.  There's a funny scene where the monk spends the night at our hero’s house and has a quiet Kung Fu duel with his host, so they won’t wake up his wife.  Her reactions aren’t too different from a wife who has to put up with her husband and his best drinking buddy.  Except instead of pounding cans of Budweiser, these guys just Kung Fu one another at all hours of the night.  Tsui gets some solid laughs as Ru and together with Leung, they make an amusing team.  Their camaraderie and chemistry helps make this one a real winner. 

AKA:  The Water Margin:  The True Colors of Heroes.  AKA:  The True Colors of a Hero.  AKA:  Waterside Story:  Heroic Character. 

THE LATE LATE LATE SHOW (199?) **

The Late Late Late Show is one of the lesser Something Weird compilations.  It’s mostly an assemblage of trailers for Eurospy movies (Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom), but it’s padded out with assorted odds and ends from various other genres.  There are ads for Westerns (The Fury of the Apaches, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Duel of Fire), Viking flicks (King of the Vikings), war pictures (Escape from Saigon), jungle movies (Prisoners of the Jungle), sword and sandal epics (Messalina, Hercules of the Desert), and swashbucklers (Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea).   

It ends with a short called The Gentleman in Room 6, which is told entirely in first person POV.  The gimmick is used to conceal the main character’s identity until the last shot, but you’ll probably figure out who it is long before then.

I certainly give it points for finding trailers for so many rare films.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve heard of, let alone seen any of the titles featured in this collection.  While I can’t say it’s great, it’s still worth a look, if only because there are more trailers for obscure movies here than you can shake a stick at.  I will say that “obscure” doesn’t necessarily translate into “entertaining”.  Most of the trailers are tepid at best, so fans of more exploitative fare might want to skip this one.  Some previews are heavily padded with publicity stills like Duel of Fire and Operation Gold Ingot.  Also, the biggest names here are Fernando Lamas, Eddie Constantine (who appears most frequently), and Aldo Ray, which adds to the obscure vibes. 

Only you know for sure if you can stand an hour or so of ho-hum espionage trailers.  The problem is that there is a sameness to many of the trailers (including the use of similar fonts and the same announcer’s voice frequently reappearing), which makes the hour-long running time feel a bit longer.  If, however, you do have a very particular itch to scratch, then The Late Late Late Show is just the salve you’re looking for. 

The complete trailer list is as follows:  The Fury of the Apaches, Danger in the Middle East, To Catch a Spy, Agent of Doom, M.M.M. 83, X-Ray of a Killer, Lost Treasure of the Aztecs, Eyes of the Sahara, Dangerous Agent, King of the Vikings, Duel of Fire, Walls of Fear, Stranger from Hong-Kong, Killer Spy, Secret File 1413, Operation Gold Ingot, Escape from Saigon, Headlines of Destruction, The Black Monocle, Death Pays in Dollars, Sergeant X of the Foreign Legion, Nest of Spies, Prisoners of the Jungle, Messalina, Hercules of the Desert, Sea Fighters, Destination Fury, Prisoner of the Iron Mask, Musketeers of the Sea, and The Gentleman in Room 6. 

ART OF WAR (1978) **

A guy moseys into town and befriends two fugitives.  When a slaver murders their favorite street vendor in cold blood, they team up with the cook’s son to get revenge.  Adding to the urgency of the situation is the fact that our hero’s fiancée has also been kidnapped by the slaver. 

The comedy portions of Art of War are brutally unfunny and are often a chore to get through.  In an especially unbelievable scene, one of the comic relief sidekicks plays a trick on our hero and pisses on his head.  This of course makes them best friends.  What the actual fuck.  In most Kung Fu movies that would normally get the guy a first-rate ass-kicking, but here it’s a heartwarming scene of male bonding. 

The fight scenes are… fine.  They wouldn’t make or break the movie one way or the other anyway.  They certainly would’ve played better without all the comedy sound effects.  In fact, the fights feel secondary to all the comic relief shenanigans.  (The guys all have goofy names like Plum Flower, Crazy Sabre, and Wild Chicken, if that gives you an idea of what we’re dealing with here.)  Plus, the subtitles on the copy I saw were small, blurry, and hard to read (especially when they appear on top of a white background), which didn’t help matters at all. 

Still, I have a rule, and that’s if a movie can show me something I’ve never seen before, I can’t judge it too harshly.  Art of War has at least one jaw-dropping scene that’s worthy of praise.  I’m talking about the part where the street vendor is killed.  The villain takes a bite of chicken and finds a bone in it.  Disgusted, he spits the bone out and it impales the guy in the middle of the forehead, killing him instantly.  The rest of the flick ain’t so hot, but that scene is finger-licking good. 

AKA:  Kung Fu Means Fists, Strikes and Swords.

LAST REVENGE OF THE DRAGON (1978) **

A brash Kung Fu fighter can’t wait to step in the ring with the champ (Bolo Yeung), so he mops the floor with him at the press conference for everyone to see.  The embarrassed promoter, who happens to be a feared underworld figure, retaliates by having the fighter’s brother severely beaten.  This sets off a chain of increasingly violent reprisals between the two families.  The families eventually decide to settle the matter with an old school karate match. 

Last Revenge of the Dragon suffers from way too much soap opera drama with our hero’s family.  The brother character alone has one too many subplots as he has a problematic drug habit AND a white girlfriend his family doesn’t approve of.  Either of these subplots would’ve sufficed.  Having both just slows things down.  (If it was the main character who had all that drama going on, I might’ve felt differently.)  On the plus side, the scene where the brother tries to detox from weed is some Reefer Madness type shit. 

It’s a shame the film is overburdened with so much family drama because the fights themselves are pretty decent.  (I liked the scene where the hero’s brother in-law grabs a bat to avenge his disgraced daughter.)  I just don’t think the plot with two rival families lent itself to the Kung Fu genre.  It probably would’ve worked better as a straight gangster picture.  It’s especially a shame that Bolo disappears so early into the film because he’s really the only one in the cast that has an intimidating presence.  

For everything the movie does right, it has at least one lumbering subplot with the family that gets in the way.  The finale where our hero rides his motorcycle into the rival family’s dojo is admittedly cool.  I just wish we didn’t have to sit through the bullshit with his siblings’ out of control gambling, drug addiction, reckless partying, relationship woes, parenting problems, etc. to get to it. 

AKA:  The Big Family.  AKA:  The Godfather’s Kung Fu Family.  AKA:  Wu Tang Gambinos.  AKA:  Last Challenge of the Dragon.

LABYRINTH OF DEATH (1989) ***

Labyrinth of Death is an odd but enormously entertaining horror comedy Kung Fu flick.  It’s apparently a sequel to a movie I’ve never seen called Mystery of Chess Boxing, which is probably why it didn’t make a lot of sense to me.  Fortunately, the filmmakers know that a movie doesn’t have to make sense if the action never lets up.  I can even forgive it for being called Labyrinth of Death even though it doesn’t feature a labyrinth of death.  

Evil King is a big-toothed vampire who goes around attacking people.  He is trapped by a beautiful swordswoman in a cave where she also hides a kind vampire family who are misunderstood by the neighboring village.  Seven hundred years later, a priest accidentally awakens them from their slumber. His granddaughter knows the family aren’t evil and sets out to protect them from both her grandfather and the Evil King. 

One thing is for sure, this flick is never boring as it contains non-stop action.  Usually when I say, “non-stop action”, it’s a generalization, but in Labyrinth of Death there is hardly a single dialogue scene that doesn’t involve fighting or at least vampires hopping around.  The fight scenes are fast paced and frantic and feature some wacky wirework and cheesy choreography.  In fact, the only scene that didn’t feature any Mung Fu is the part where the grandpa plays mahjong with some vampires.  The comedy fights with the little kid vampire are amusing too.  (There’s a scene where he pisses and farts on his attackers.)  The running joke where every time someone accidentally grabs the vampire mom’s boob, her husband hops over and smacks her is a bit weird though. 

The effects are pure cornball, but they add to the goofy vibe.  The colorful lightning, light swords, and glowing crossbows the characters use are definitely low rent, yet they are a lot of fun.  The villain’s lair set is cool too.  The poorly translated subtitles are good for a laugh as well.  My favorite line was, “Unmatured kid!  Try your best power!”

AKA:  Vampire Strikes Back.  AKA:  Chess Boxing Matrix.  AKA:  Chivalric Tornado.  

MONSTER MANIA (1997) ***

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark introduces this hour-long special devoted to classic monster movies.  Jack Palance acts as host (he appears on a colorful mad scientist lab set) and narrates over clips of films from various eras.  While there are some obvious exclusions, they do manage to cover a lot of territory in a short amount of time.  Palance discusses films from the silent era (Thomas Edison’s Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and Nosferatu), the ‘30s (Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, etc.), the ‘40s (The Wolf Man, Return of the Vampire, The Phantom of the Opera, etc.), the aliens of the ‘50s (It Came from Outer Space, War of the Worlds, Invaders from Mars, etc.), Hammer horror (Horror of Dracula, The Mummy, The Curse of Frankenstein, etc.), the Poe adaptations of the ‘60s (House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Masque of the Red Death, etc.), the ‘70’s (The Omega Man, The Exorcist, The Omen, etc.), spoofs (The Phantom of the Paradise, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Young Frankenstein, etc.), Sci-Fi monsters (Alien, Predator, The Fly, etc.), slashers (Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street), and the revival of classic monsters from the ‘90s (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Wolf, etc.)  There are also segments devoted to Lon Chaney, how television in the ‘50s introduced monster movies to a new generation of fans, and the merchandising of classic movie monsters. 

Originally airing on American Movie Classics (back when they actually showed movies that were American classics), Monster Mania doesn’t exactly break any new ground.  If you’ve seen similar documentaries/clip show packages, you’ll probably be familiar with all the titles being discussed.  They also resort to using clips from trailers to save money.  That’s not the worst thing in the world as the trailers are fairly iconic in their own right (like Bela Lugosi presiding over the preview for Mark of the Vampire).  I did find it odd that they showed clips of Dracula’s Daughter but not Bride of Frankenstein. 

While Monster Mania may be far from the definitive classic horror documentary, it remains a fun trip down memory lane.  Palance’s sincere intonation adds gravitas to the proceedings, although he isn’t above making a quip every now and then.  (Like when he calls The Wolf Man “the scariest and hairiest monster of all time!”)  Besides, I never pass down an opportunity to see Elvira, especially in something like this, even if it’s only briefly. 

DARK MISSION: FLOWERS OF EVIL (1988) **

I watched this movie just because it had Brigitte Lahaie in it, but I had no idea it starred the two Chrises.  Middling cinephiles will probably ask, “Which two Chrises?  Pine?  Evans? Hemsworth?”  The real ones know who I’m talking about… Lee and Mitchum!

Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent by his boss Richard Harrison to find Christopher Lee in South America.  Seems he was a former lieutenant for Castro and has now set himself up as a drug kingpin.  Trouble brews when Mitchum starts romancing Lee’s daughter (Cristina Higueras). 

I know it’s called “Dark” Mission, but why keep the beautiful Brigitte in the shadows for 2/3 of the movie?  She plays Mitchum’s contact who has a knack for remaining cloaked in darkness while delivering her messages.  At least she performs her big dramatic scene while wearing a string bikini.  She also looks the part while playing Rambo in her jungle action scenes, although it’s ultimately too little too late. 

That’s the big issue with the film.  Though the cast is great, the film itself is painfully low on action.  The side jaunt to a mental hospital where Higueras witnesses the impact of drugs on young people firsthand really slows things down to a crawl.  The final battle sequence is also incomprehensibly edited to boot, and the aspect ratio changes in nearly every single shot, which gets annoying.  (It leads me to suspect Franco probably poached the helicopter scenes from another movie.)

As for the two Chrises, Mitchum equips himself as well as could be expected and Lee lends the film a touch of dignity and class it probably didn’t deserve.  Most of the fun comes from seeing the usually reserved Harrison acting up a storm.  He goes hilariously over the top during the scenes where he chews out Mitchum. 

It’s mostly an unruly hodgepodge, but Dark Mission:  Flowers of Evil might make for lightweight, undemanding entertainment for fans of either Chris.  

AKA:  Dark Mission:  Evil Flowers.  AKA:  Dark Mission.  AKA:  Columbian Connection.

TEENAGE TURMOIL VOL. 1 (2000) ***

Something Weird presented this collection of industrial shorts from the ‘50s aimed at and centered around teenagers and prospective juvenile delinquents.  Some of these may be familiar to fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  While the shorts themselves vary in entertainment value, you can still get a kick out of the antiquated advice and outdated attitudes. 

“Make Way for Youth” (narrated by Melvyn Douglas) is about a boy who dies in a gang fight.  His father is the editor of the paper and writes an open letter stating that racism and prejudice was the true cause of his son’s death.  The town decides to give the teens their own “youth council” so they can address their issues pertaining to them. 

This one starts out okay, and the delinquent riot is well done.  However, from there it quickly becomes a teenage version of C-SPAN.  I did like the part where they called “an emergency wiener roast meeting”.

“The Cool Hot Rod” has a young hot rodder moving to a small town.  Almost immediately, he gets busted for speeding.  Instead of facing a courtroom of adults, he is sentenced to a traffic school run by other teenagers who enlighten him in the ways of safe driving. 

This one is fairly solid.  Like the last short, it’s set in an odd town where the teens seemingly have as much power and control as the adults.  There are also cameos by racing stars of the day, but I bet you’ve never heard of them. 

“Making the Most of Your Face” follows the exploits of three teenage girls who try to make themselves more presentable.  Their Home Economics teacher (who also acts as narrator) helps them initiate skincare regimens, find hairstyles that complement their face shape, and apply make-up. 

This one is short and sweet and the narration is full of howlers.  I especially liked the blunt way the narrator laid it on the line for poor Mary:  “Mary’s skin needs CARE!”

“What to Do on a Date” finds the shy Nick asking Kay out on a date to a scavenger sale.  Once there, he and his friend try to come up with more places to take his gal. 

Most of the fun from this short comes from what an awfully awkward dullard Nick is.  I also got a big laugh from when he suggested taking Kay to a weenie roast.  Something tells me he’s going to have to wait a long time before Kay will ever look at his weenie, let alone roast it. 

In “What About Juvenile Delinquency”, a boy quits a gang when he learns his fellow members beat up his father.  He is then invited to speak at an emergency meeting about juvenile delinquency. 

This is another one that’s pretty entertaining, mostly because of the contrived plot and maudlin acting.  Add to that the fact that many of the so-called teenagers look about forty, and you have yourself a recipe for cheesy goodness.  Too bad the ending is an open-ended cop-out. 

The next short, “The Show Off” is about Jim, a smart aleck and class clown.  His hijinks soon give the entire junior class a bad rap.  The class representatives are soon tasked with dealing with the situation.  

It’s funny how bent out of shape the adults get when Jim hoists a sign that says, “Yea Juniors”.  Imagine if he did something you know, shocking.  Like the previous short, it all ends with an unsatisfying “what would YOU do?” cop-out, which is disappointing. 

The final filmstrip is “The Innocent Party”.  Don and his pal pass up a chance to see a movie (Rio Bravo) to go out on the town with some girls with loose morals.  Don winds up catching syphilis, much to the horror of his best gal, Betty. 

This is the only color short in the bunch and features a few of the same actors from some of the other shorts.  The adult subject matter also helps make for a good change of pace.  All in all, it’s an entertaining (if downbeat) way to end the compilation. 

I BURN ALL OVER (1979) ***

Brigitte Lahaie and her boyfriend Didier Aubriot go to a disco where he picks up Susan Hemingway.  He takes her back to their hotel where they have a three-way.  Afterwards they knock poor Susan out and sell her into slavery.  When the couple learns Hemingway is the daughter of a millionaire, they set out to re-kidnap her and collect a ransom for themselves. 

Jess Franco’s I Burn All Over isn’t as cheap as some of his other productions.  It does however start off with a memorable cost-cutting move as the opening credits are spoken aloud by narrators with echoed voices.  That way, Franco didn’t have to pay someone to use a title generator.  (Ironically, the trailer is nothing but the title with a narrator speaking over it as no footage from the film is ever shown.)

Your movie doesn’t really need a budget though when you have Brigitte Lahaie.  She looks incredible throughout and delivers a solid performance as well.  Franco is smart enough to know if she has to have a monologue that’s important to the plot, you might as well have her deliver it while totally nude. 

In general, the scenes with Lahaie are the most entertaining, but the sequences with Hemingway in the orgy den have their moments.  The first time she is thrown into the bowels of the slave pit and the drug-addled captives converge on the new recruit to give her a test spin is certainly hot.  There’s also a random scene where a woman bangs her own reflection in the mirror. 

I Burn All Over has a decent twist ending, but I was a little disappointed how Lahaie’s character was so abruptly and unceremoniously removed from the narrative.  That shouldn’t stop the Franco faithful from checking it out though as it has all the obligatory camera zooms of a woman’s crotch you could ask for in an Uncle Jess movie.  Many of the numerous sex scenes flirt with XXX territory too, which doesn’t hurt either. 

It’s Aida (Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun) Vargas as the madam who gets the best line of the movie when describing Hemingway: “Her cunt is like a passion fruit!”

EDGE OF FURY (1978) ***

Bruce Li stars as a chauffeur to a wealthy businessman.  When his employer is executed for drug smuggling, Bruce remains loyal to the family, if only to look after his boss’s young son.  Bruce comes into possession of an amended version of his boss’s will and soon, everyone comes after Bruce trying to get their hands on it. 

Even though Edge of Fury takes place in modern times, its themes of honor and loyalty would feel right at home in a period Kung Fu movie.  I liked how Bruce still had his boss’s back after he went to jail, even if it lost him the respect of the community, who see him as being guilty by association.  You know, resonant thematic material is great and all, but it’s not really worth a whole lot unless Bruce is kicking ass.  I’m happy to report the movie contains plenty of scenes of Li doing just that. 

Most of the fights involve Bruce taking on several henchmen at the same time, including one nicely choreographed sequence atop of a stack of shipping containers.  He also has a memorable brawl when he beats up a gang of thugs for talking shit about his sick mother.  He gives a good performance too (he even cries at one point), which is something I wasn’t expecting.  Heck, even the little kid is amusing.  In most of these things, the child actors act like little brats, but the scene where he catches his stepmom kissing a villain and proceeds to kick their butts is a lot of fun. 

If Edge of Fury has a fault, it’s that the final showdown isn’t quite as exciting as the fight scenes that came before.  It also suffers from an abrupt ending, although you can say that about plenty of other Kung Fu flicks of the era.  Those quibbles aside, this remains one of Li’s best efforts and fans of the man should absolutely check it out. 

AKA:  Hong Kong Connection.

THE TRUE STORY OF THE NUN OF MONZA (1980) **

Sister Virginia (Zora Kerova, who is probably best known as the actress who was hung up on hooks in Cannibal Ferox) is elected to the position of Mother Superior of her convent.  Meanwhile, a horny nobleman (Mario Cutini) conspires with a disreputable priest (Franco Garafalo) to get into her pants.  After the rich dude rapes Virginia, she eventually winds up falling in love with the guy (it’s one of those deals).  Trouble brews when she becomes pregnant and the nobleman and the priest try to cover the scandal up. 

The True Story of the Nun of Monza tells a story that has been told many times before, but this time it’s told by Bruno Mattei. Because of that, you probably already know what (not) to expect. 

The opening scene is sure to raise some eyebrows though as graphic shots of horses fucking are intercut with scenes of a nun being consecrated.  This is about as crazy as the movie gets, sadly.  (Don’t worry, there’s no Emanuelle in America-style of equestrian hijinks here.)  That said, the film does at least have enough skin to make it watchable.  One scene involves a nun being whipped for having a dream about blowing the Lord and savior.  I also dug the part where Virginia does penance by wearing a bra padded with thorns.  The occasional orgy scene doesn’t hurt either. 

These moments don’t amount to much in the long run, however.  Unfortunately, Mattei and screenwriter Claudio (Troll 2) Fragasso can’t seem to bring it all together in a satisfying way.  The dramatic portions are especially pokey and the political maneuvering and double crossing between the nuns and priests is kind of dull.  It all ends with deceit, double crossing, and eventually murder, but you might find yourself tuning out by then.  To his credit, Mattei does deliver a gnarly scene where rats are found feasting on a nun’s corpse. 

WRESTLING WOMEN USA! (2001) ***

Before Lingerie Fighting Championships, before mud wrestling, and even before G.L.O.W., there were female grapplers on Saturday Night Wrestling.  This compilation from Something Weird features six matches from the early days of women’s wrestling.  While it isn’t “weird” exactly, it’s certainly something.

First up is a bout between Lili Bitter and June Byers and it features a nice mix of body slams, hammerlocks, and hair tosses.  Next, Cora Combs locks horns with Lorraine Johnson in a match complete with headlocks, hip tosses, and full Nelsons.  The match between Clara Mortenssen and Rita Martinez eschews the typical play by play commentary in favor of dialogue by two fans over the match.  (They sort of sound like Amos ‘n Andy.)  It doesn’t help that the match itself is mostly confined to the mat as it involves lots of leg locks and scissor holds.  The two bleacher bums continue their conversation throughout the next match between “The Blonde Ballerina” and June O’Day.  Their banter is annoying once again, but at least there is a decent amount of action in the match. 

The bout between Ella Walldeck and Jane Mull is a lot of fun as it is full of reversals, dirty tricks, and fast paced action.  Curiously, it’s a two out of three match but only one round is shown. The final match is a tag team bout.  Betty Hawkins and Carrie Majors square off against Ida May and Violet Vian.  It’s probably the liveliest match in the collection and features lots of unsportsmanlike conduct.  However, as with the previous match, only one of the scheduled three falls is shown. 

For fans of moldy relics of sports history, Wrestling Women USA! will scratch a very specific itch.  Even as a fan of this sort of thing, I kind of wish the presentation was a bit better.  The camerawork is static for the most part, but that’s just how it was back in those days.  (The camerawork during the Blonde Ballerina match isn’t bad though.)  The fact that these matches have been preserved as well as they have is what’s really important.  Despite its shortcomings, some of the bouts manage to be quite fun. 

AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes of the Fifties Vol. 1.  AKA:  Wrasslin’ She-Babes Vol. 1. 

IMAGES IN A CONVENT (1979) *** ½

Isabella (Paola Senatore) is a spoiled Countess who is squirreled away inside a convent to keep her from getting it on with her pervert uncle.  She’s only there for a hot minute before she’s flashing her boobs at the Mother Superior.  Meanwhile, the horny Sisters that inhabit the convent begin fooling around with one another.  Are they naturally naughty nuns or are they being influenced by a sinister Satanic statue that stands in the courtyard of the convent?  Sexual tensions flare further when a wounded man arrives on the scene seeking shelter (and sex). 

Images in a Convent is a tawdry and highly entertaining entry in the Nunsploitation genre.  The all-time maestro of Italian sleaze, Joe D’Amato was at the helm of this bad boy, and his unmistakable fingerprints are all over the material.  The scenes of the nuns flagrantly breaking their vow of chastity by tossing off their habits and getting down and dirty with each other are a lot of fun.  The highlight (for me anyway) came when the Mother Superior whips a nun and then licks her wounds.  In addition to the scenes of the sapphic sisters gleefully doing the horizontal mambo, D’Amato also delivers some XXX action during the scene where a pair of thieves have their way with a nun in the woods. 

The stuff that holds the sex scenes together is less engaging.  The worst thing I can say about the movie is that the whole thing feels episodic.  Thankfully, those episodes that contain hot nun on nun action are well worth watching. 

The only name I recognized in the credits was Donald (Doctor Butcher M.D.) O’Brien, who plays a priest who shows up late in the game to perform an exorcism on the entire convent.  (There’s even a generic sounding knockoff of “Tubular Bells” that accompanies him in a few scenes.)  Although I didn’t really know the ladies in the cast by sight (many of whom also appeared in Emanuelle in America for D’Amato), they are all quite good, especially during the epic nun free for all that concludes the picture. 

In short, Uncle Joe certainly blessed fans of sleazy cinema when he made Images in a Convent.

STORY OF A CLOISTERED NUN (1975) ** ½

Story of a Cloistered Nun begins with a scene where two babies are married to unite their family’s interests.  I’ve heard of relatives playing matchmaker before, but this is ridiculous. 

One of the babies grows up to be the headstrong Carmela (Eleonora Giorgi), who rejects being betrothed without her consent.  Her family then has no recourse but to send her off to a nunnery.  As soon as she walks in the door, the nuns are eagerly ripping her clothes off and pawing at her.  Despite this, Carmela eventually gets used to her surroundings.  Meanwhile, the horny Sister Elizabeth (Catherine Spaak) has special privileges like the ability to sneak men into the convent for a little hanky-panky and hold late night costume parties.  Elizabeth takes a shine to the new nun, but when Carmela rebuffs her advances, Sister Elizabeth sets out for revenge. 

Story of a Cloistered Nun has its moments, but it kind of stops and sputters in between the good stuff.  There’s a decent whipping, some female cross dressing, and a great scene where a nun sasses Mother Superior (Suzy Kendall from The Bird with the Crystal Plumage) and she punishes her by making the sister clean the floor with her tongue.  Some viewers (okay, maybe just me) would’ve probably been happier if the sleaze quotient had been cranked up a notch.  I mean there’s some blasphemous stuff here (like a nun having a baby), but nothing you have to say three Hail Marys for after the movie’s over. 

Giorgi has several nude scenes, which helps, but Kendall is kind of wasted.  Likewise, Spaak is kind of fun, although she never quite gets the opportunity to play up her character’s sinning ways to the hilt.  Then again, this might be the only Nunsploitation movie I’ve seen that rips off Spartacus, so it has that going for it. 

AKA:  Diary of a Cloistered Nun.  AKA:  The Diary of a Closeted Nun.  AKA:  Unholy Convent.  AKA:  Love Story of a Nun.

CRISTIANA DEVIL NUN (1972) ** ½

The opening scene where Cristiana (Toti Achilli) is making love to her boyfriend Luca (Gerardo Rossi) on an airplane is pretty wild.  Characters entering the “Mile High Club” in movies isn’t exactly something new.  However, most characters opt for the privacy of the lavatory.  Here, Cristiana and her man plow away openly in their seats while the other passengers root them on.  One guy even times them!  Incredible. 

But wait, it gets better.  After their roll in the hay, the plane experiences turbulence and goes into a nosedive.  Cristiana grabs the nearest nun she can find and vows to give up her sinning ways and enter a convent if God will save the plane.  Wouldn’t you just know it?  That’s exactly what happens. 

True to her word, Cristiana heads off to a convent.  It doesn’t take long though for her to regret her decision, and soon she’s hooking up with a horny nun named Leonora (Satanik’s Magda Konopka).  Eventually, Luca comes looking for Cristiana, but Sister Leonora manages to turn his head, which leads to heartbreak.  Cristiana then flees the convent and plows headlong into a life of sin. 

The title is sort of a misnomer because Cristiana really isn’t a “devil” nun, she’s more of a horny nun.  Then again, the title was probably changed to cash in on the then-scandalous hit The Devils, which was also about horny nuns.  Of the naughty nun scenes, one of my favorites was the part where Cristiana and her lover find a way to make love in the bell tower and keep the bells ringing while they’re knocking the boots.  There are also some hardcore insert shots that help spice the sex scenes up. 

Fans of Nunsploitation movies (like me) will be disappointed by the third act though.  It’s here where things kind of run out of gas.  While it still features a fair amount of sleaze, it just doesn’t have the same kick to it as the hour that preceded it.  That’s mainly because Cristiana leaves the convent and heads off to be a sex worker like her mother.  Again, there’s plenty of T & A during this stretch of the film.  It’s just that it was a lot more fun when our heroine was in the habit, if you catch my drift.  The overwrought theme song is good for a laugh though. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Toti Achilli’s only film role.  (If IMDb is to be believed.)  She is excellent and doesn’t miss an opportunity to bare all.  She also has genuine chemistry with Konopka, who is quite good too.  At least Achilli got to show her stuff in this flick, so because of that, we should count our blessings. 

AKA:  Our Lady of Lust.  AKA:  Life of a Nympho.  AKA:  Loves of a Nymphomaniac.  AKA: Loves of a Nympho.