LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUBMARINES (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Submarines is another one of those generic action flicks from Nu Image’s “American Heroes” DTV line.  A disgraced American submarine captain and his crew are on their way home to be court martialed for colliding into another sub.  Meanwhile, terrorists seize control of a Russian sub and naturally, it’s up to our hero to save the day. 

There’s no way around it:  Submarines is bad.  Now, I’ve never been much of a submarine movie guy to begin with.  I mean, even something like The Hunt for Red October doesn’t do a whole lot for me.  Heck, I’ve never really been one for Battleship either.  And by “Battleship”, I mean the board game, not the movie based on the board game.  I mean, who am I kidding?  Even the Battleship movie sucked.  But I digress. 

Even if you are a die-hard submarine movie fan you may find it difficult to sit through this one as it’s pretty bottom of the barrel in just about every way.  From the generic title to the paper-thin characters to the overuse of stock footage (it looks like a lot of the sub footage was taken from either The Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide or both), it doesn’t take long for this snoozer to sink.  

This was the third American Heroes movie I have watched for this column, and it’s far and away the worst.  Special Forces and Air Marshal, while no means classics, certainly had their moments and were slightly better than expected.  Those films at least had signs of a heartbeat and little sparks of energy here and there.  Submarines on the other hand, is a case of what you see is what you get.  I’m sure you can already tell by the generic DVD box it’s going to be less than smooth sailing.  (Okay, enough with the nautical puns.)