TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN GEED: THE MOVIE: CONNECT THE WISHES! (2018) ***

An evil alien robot is going through the galaxy destroying all intelligent life.  Naturally, its next stop is Earth.  It’s also trying to obtain “The Red Steel” which will make it all-powerful.  An alien princess is in possession of the Red Steel and bestows it upon Ultraman Geed to use it to fight the alien menace.  Along the way, he partners up with Ultraman Orb and Ultraman Zero who help him build character in the face of adversity. 

One of the things I enjoyed about the character of Ultraman Geed is that he’s kind of an asshole.  He sulks a lot and acts shitty to others when things don’t go his way.  This helps to make him a flawed hero and while it’s not exactly Shakespearian, it certainly helps to differentiate him from the other goody two-shoes incarnations of Ultraman. 

Likewise, the filmmakers didn’t set out to reinvent the wheel, but they peppered the flick with some amusing and entertaining elements.  I liked the sexual tension between the antihero “Juggler” and the square member of the team he flirts with by calling him “Daddy-San”.  Sure, it’s not quite a paragon of gay representation for these movies, but you have to take what you can get.  I also thought the alien princess’ pet protector was cute (he looks like a giant rainbow lion) without TRYING to be overly cutesy, which is a fine line. 

Of course, it helps when the fights are solid from top to bottom.  There’s a fun scene at an “illegal alien” camp (which is inhabited by aliens) that plays like a low-budget Ultraman version of the cantina scene from Star Wars.  There’s also a nice mix of normal-sized humans vs. aliens Kung Fu fights and giant Ultraman vs. colossal kaiju battles.  In short, Ultraman fans should have a blast with this one.

AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  Connect the Wishes!  AKA:  Ultraman Geed:  The Movie:  Connect Them!  The Wishes!

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRA FIGHT ORB: LET ME BORROW THE POWER OF FATHER AND SON! (2017) ****

Ultraman Orb and Ultraman Zero are on the trail of a dark presence moving from world to world.  Turns out, it’s an evil ghost sorcerer who has the ability to raise monsters from the dead. The only way Orb can stop him is to train with Zero and his father, the legendary Ultraseven who bestow upon him tremendous power. 

This is another one of those deals that started off as a web series but was edited into a short (thirty minutes in this case) movie.  Since the original episodes were shown in three-minute bursts, that means there is no shortage of monster mashing to be found.  Some rubbery looking monster or silver-faced fighter is getting the snot knocked out of them every three minutes or so.  The battles themselves are well done considering their brevity.  In short, it’s fucking awesome.

Sure, the villain is just a rehashed version of Belial, but he looks cool and resembles Darth Vader on steroids.  His monster minions are a nice mix of menacing and just plain goofy too.  Besides, the sheer amount of rubber suit baddies that the filmmakers were able to cram into a half-hour running time is kind of mind-boggling.  There are robots, mutant caterpillars, and even a giant chicken with what looks like a huge scrotum hanging out of its mouth.  When’s the last time you saw that in a movie?  That’s not even mentioning the fact that once the three OG Ultramen show up to lend the next generation a hand, things get even more badass.  

Bottom Line:  If you love giant monster battles and only have a half-hour to kill, Ultra Fight Orb:  Let Me Borrow the Power of Father and Son! is the one to watch.

AKA:  Ultra Fight Orb.  AKA:  Ultra Fight Orb:  I’m Borrowing the Power of Parent and Child.  

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN ORB: THE MOVIE: LET ME BORROW THE POWER OF BONDS! (2017) ***

Ultraman Orb is battling a giant monster on a deserted tropical isle when Ultraman Zero shows up to lend him a helping hand.  He says Ultraman Ginga and Ultraman Victory have disappeared and asks Orb to find them.  Meanwhile, Ultraman X gets separated from his host when he is sucked into a wormhole.  Orb follows suit and is soon, becomes a prisoner of the evil space witch Murnau who wants to turn the planet (and the Ultramen) into jewels. 

I kind of like this Ultraman Orb guy.  He has the ability to use these Pokémon type cards (these trading cards must’ve been big in Japan) to mix and match the powers of the previous Ultramen and combine them to make a brand-new Ultraman.  That slight reworking of the usual formula keeps the action just different enough to make the monster mashing feel somewhat fresh and gives Ultraman a variety of weapons at his disposal. 

A good chunk of the movie is devoted to regular-sized aliens and monsters.  That really isn’t a criticism, as the fight and chase scenes they have with our human league of heroes are still a lot of fun and even offer up a few laughs.  Once the action switches over to giant Ultramen battling kaiju, things really heat up.  There’s a great monster named Deavorik who is a total badass.  He looks like a robot version of Gamera and possesses machine gun arms which he uses to decimate cities.  The finale is a gigantic slobberknocker of the highest order and features some inventive camerawork.  You’d be surprised how much little touches like clever camera movement can breathe new life into something like this, but it certainly makes a difference.  Overall, this is one of the most entertaining of the latter-day Ultraman movies. 

AKA:  Ultraman Orb:  Lend Me the Power of Bonds!  AKA:  Ultraman Orb:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman Orb:  The Movie:  I’m Borrowing the Power of Your Bonds!

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN X: THE MOVIE: HERE HE COMES! OUR ULTRAMAN (2016) **

Maybe I got spoiled by watching a couple of solid Ultraman movies before this one, but Ultraman X:  The Movie:  Here He Comes!  Our Ultraman just didn’t measure up.  Nothing about it is out and out bad, but it lacks the punch of the last few entries.  Those flicks at least had the benefit of snappy pacing and non-stop monster mashing.  This one just feels padded (especially the opening) and the stuff that occurs in between the kaiju battles is disposable and forgettable.  It also doesn’t help that the human hero gets separated from his “X” transformation cube (it looks like an iPhone in a bulky case), which means he can’t turn into Ultraman for a good chunk of the movie. 

Things kick off with a recap of the Ultraman X TV show, which plays like a greatest hits compilation on fast forward.  Then the plot begins.  An asshole archeologist removes a sacred stone from a mountain, awakening a giant monster.  It’s then up to Ultraman to stop it.

There’s some really silly shit here, and that’s coming from the guy who defended the use of a flute sword in Ultra Fight Victory.  In one scene, a jet shoots cotton candy at the monsters.  I’m sorry, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.  That’s some Paw Patrol level shit, if you ask me. 

There’s also a comic relief alien doctor who helps the humans.  I joked in my Ultraman Ginga S review that the villain was collecting Ultramen like Pokémon cards, but this guy actually turns the data he collects on other Ultramen into actual trading cards!

Things perk up a tad during the finale when the original Ultraman shows up to aid in the fight.  However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s lame having a little kid controlling Ultraman Tiga.  Also, the arrival of the other Ultramen at the eleventh hour doesn’t give them a whole lot to do besides hastily fight a monster or two. They deserved more than extended cameos.

AKA:  Ultraman X:  Here He Comes!  Our Ultraman.  AKA:  Ultraman X:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman X:  The Movie:  Here Comes!  Our Ultraman.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRA FIGHT VICTORY (2015) ***

Ultraman Victory is just minding his business when he falls into a sinkhole and is attacked by a monster.  Another baddie shows up and steals Victory’s girlfriend’s necklace, which can give him supreme power.  The villain has also imprisoned Ultraman Ginga, which raises the stakes considerably.  Lucky for Victory, Ultraman Hikari gives him a magic flute that turns into a sword to aid him in his quest to stop the monster from awakening the evil emperor of the galaxy. 

Ultra Fight Victory is essentially three episodes of an Ultraman YouTube series edited together.  As such, the effects are a little chintzier compared to the other films made around the same time.  Most of the time, it’s just a bunch of people standing in front of an obvious green screen.  (It also looks like they reused footage from Ultraman Ginga S the Movie for the scenes where the Ultramen combine their powers.)  Despite being a smaller budgeted affair, it still manages to pack a lot of Ultraman brawls and monster fights into a short amount of time.  (It’s only thirty-eight minutes long.)  Some of the dialogue is priceless too.  My favorite line came when the villain sent his minions into battle by saying, “Go, terrible monsters!”

It helps that Ultraman Victory is a pretty cool customer.  He has a great power where he can change out his hand for limbs of monsters he’s previously defeated.  The fact that the objects he uses to summon his powers look suspiciously like Ultraman action figures makes it even funnier.  Even though he’s playing with toys most of the time, these toys are certainly more badass than the flute sword weapon, that’s for sure.  But heck, who am I kidding?  I even find the silly/stupid/cheesy shit like that in these movies endearing.  Besides, they’ve got to put something in there to appease the marching band fanbase.

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN GINGA S THE MOVIE: SHOWDOWN! THE 10 ULTRA WARRIORS (2015) ***

An evil alien is going around the galaxy defeating Ultramen and collecting them like Pokémon cards.  He brainwashes a beautiful princess, who has the power of using mirrors as prisons, into thinking the Ultramen are her sworn enemies.  The only two Ultraman left on their checklist are Ultraman Victory and Ultraman Ginga.  Eventually, Ultraman Zero joins the fight and together, they try to break the spell the villain holds over the princess.  

Since ‘tis the season, I thought about doing a brief run of Christmas movies for this column.  Instead, I just settled on picking one or two here and there.  Much to my surprise, Ultraman Ginga S the Movie:  Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Warriors is a Christmas movie, so I get to kill two birds with one stone.  (Well, it starts with a Christmas party that’s interrupted by an alien invasion, at least.)

The film clocks in at just over an hour long, so the Kung Fu battles, kaiju collisions, and monster mashing comes at a fast and furious rate.  Little time is spent on plot, and we only receive the barest wisps of exposition, which is appreciated in something like this.  In fact, I admired the movie’s brevity and its ability to compact the maximum amount of plot information with the minimum amount of storytelling. 

Plus, it’s just plain fun.  The finale where the imprisoned Ultramen are freed and must fight a gauntlet of their previous foes is a neat way to combine good old-fashioned men in rubber suit fights with shameless fan service.  The subplot where Ginga and Victory become handcuffed together in order to learn how to work as a team is pretty funny too.  We also get an amusing sequence where the villain turns the human heroes’ worst fears against them, which finds them being attacked by zombies, bugs, and uh… giant tomatoes?!?  I’m not sure if this was supposed to be a tip of the hat to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but it sure was hilarious. 

AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S:  Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Warriors.  AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S:  The Movie.  AKA:  Ultraman Ginga S Movie Showdown!  The 10 Ultra Brothers!  

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN SAGA (2012) ** ½

A while back, I was in the midst of a marathon of Ultraman movies.  I eventually had to take a break, mostly because I didn’t want to get too much of a good thing.  After seeing Godzilla Minus One, I got a hankering for more Japanese kaiju cinema, so I figured I’d try to watch the rest of the Ultraman flicks before the end of the year and the Tubi Continued… column came to an end. 

In the future, the only inhabitants of Earth are a group of hot chicks known as “Team U” who ride around on low-budget Transformers scrounging the deserted cities for supplies.  It turns out the evil Zetton was responsible for decimating the population and is looking to finish the job.  It’s then up to Ultraman Zero and Ultraman Cosmos to resurrect the fallen Ultraman Dyna to stop Zetton and save the planet. 

Some of the CGI is a little wonky, but the rubber suit monsters are charming.  The early fight scenes are fun, especially the moments when Ultraman is tossing monsters around and around like an Olympic shot-put thrower.  The finale is a tad disappointing though as there’s little variation on the fight scenes.  (There’s three Ultramen instead of two and the villain is a humanoid instead of a giant bug.)  The climax is fine, I suppose, but the film really needed something with a little more bombast to make for a thrilling conclusion. 

The humor is a bit hit and miss, but I did like the scene where Zero and his human host are feuding, which causes them to not synch properly, resulting in a pint-sized Ultraman.  I also dug the backstory of Zero’s host blaming Ultraman for not saving his parents, which is why he refuses to fight.  Little touches like that kept the usual formula from feeling stale, although the flick never quite goes into fourth gear.  All and all, Ultraman Saga is a solid, if unspectacular effort. 

TUBI CONTINUED… SANTA’S GOT STYLE (2022) **

Sometimes, if you highlight a movie on Tubi it will autoplay a scene if you leave the cursor on it for too long.  Usually, you just go about your business and move right along looking for a movie to watch.  Sometimes, the scene is so bonkers you just have to watch it in disbelief.  Sometimes, you even find yourself watching the film itself, even if it’s not something you’d ordinarily would want to see.  Such was the case with Santa’s Got Style. 

The scene selection in question features a handsome male model in a Santa beard, coiffed white hair, and designer suit walking into a department store in slow motion accompanied by a terrible rap song.  As he walks through the aisles, women stop dead in their tracks and salivate at the sight of him.  This scene alone was so funny that I decided I had to watch it in its proper context.  I mean, I’m a sucker for a stupid Christmas movie, especially this time of year.  Sad to say, the rest of the flick didn’t live up to this silly, but admittedly genuinely funny moment.  That said, it’s still far from the worst low budget Christmas movie you could waste your time on this holiday season. 

Kathryn (Planes, Trains, and Christmas Trees) Davis stars as Madison, the head of a department store who gets the missive from her superiors to create a new, hip, handsome “Stylin’ Santa” for their Christmas publicity campaign.  She reaches out to her friend Ethan (Well Suited for Christmas’ Franco Lo Presti), a former male model who runs a modeling agency, to find a handsome, stylish, Santa Claus.  When he can’t find any guys to fit the bill, he decides, as a joke, to put on a beard and show up anonymously as “Stylin’ Santa”.  Predictably, Madison loves the idea and wants him to head the campaign.  Since she has no idea it’s him, Ethan gives her a fake name and soon, he wows the ladies into coming into the store and maxing out their credit cards. 

Predictably, Ethan has the hots for Madison, but is afraid to tell her for fear of ruining their friendship.  Predictably, Madison falls in love with “Stylin’ Santa”, unaware it’s her friend behind the beard.  Predictably… ah hell you can figure it out for yourself. 

Most of this is lame and obvious.  (Yes, there’s a scene where Ethan and “Stylin’ Santa” have to be at the same function at the same time.) The big exception is the aforementioned slow-motion scene of “Stylin’ Santa” making all the ladies hot and bothered.  (Tubi really knew what scene to showcase for their autoplay menu.)  There’s a certain charm and a level of basic competence here, and I’m sure that alone will win over fans of low-budget sub-Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.  It definitely won’t win over any new fans to the genre, but it’s just silly enough to make for amiable background noise while you’re wrapping presents or entertaining guests at Christmastime. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXE TO GRIND (2015) ***

Debbie Rochon stars as aging Scream Queen who snaps when her director (and former lover) passes her over for a younger actress.  She then follows a bunch of promising starlets to the location of his latest film, a rundown mental hospital, and crashes the set.  Jealous that this new crop of actresses are stealing her limelight, she sets out to chop up the competition one by one with an axe. 

Usually, I hate it in movies when new characters are introduced accompanied with little tongue-in-cheek title cards, but the practice is done in a rather amusing fashion in Axe to Grind.  Not only are the B-movie actresses given little nicknames when they appear for the first time, we also get to see their prior film credits splashed onto the screen.  Many of these titles are good for a chuckle too.  (The titles include “Double D Terror”, “God Save the Scream Queen”, and “I Defecate on Your Grave”.)  In fact, I’d pay good money to see Debbie and some of her fellow co-stars in feature-length versions of those flicks.

Nobody plays sexy psychos like Debbie Rochon.  Although the premise is derivate, it’s a solid foundation for a Rochon vehicle.  The major draw here is seeing Debbie getting another chance to do what she does best, namely looking hot and hacking people up.  While Axe to Grind might not be up there with the lofty heights of her incredible performance in American Nightmare, she’s still a lot of fun to watch. 

It’s not all good news.  The pacing doesn’t exactly work like clockwork.  The subplot of the dim-witted hospital janitor assisting Debbie in cleaning up after her kills wasn’t really necessary, and the back-and-forth flashback structure kind of takes away from the immediacy of the situation.  However, whenever Debbie is front and center flipping her shit and swinging her axe (which is often), Axe to Grind is tons of fun. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXED TO PIECES (2020) ***

I know I’ve given Dustin Ferguson’s movies a lot of shit throughout this column, but every so often he squeaks out a winner.  As someone who’s sat through a bunch of bad Ferguson pictures, it pleases me to report Axed to Pieces is a lot of fun.  Ferguson nicely captures the look and feel of an old ‘80s shot-on-video horror flick.  From the scratchy video camera cinematography to the vintage outfits and hairstyles to the synthesized music, you’ll swear you’re watching a lost relic of the ‘80s and not a cheap movie made just a few years ago.  Sure, the modern phones are the obvious giveaway that it’s a newer film, but overall, this is about as close as you can get to the real thing without hopping into a time machine. 

A random lumberjack picks up an axe in the woods and becomes possessed by an evil spirit that commands him to kill.  He finds a chick aerobicizing in the woods and hacks her up.  Soon, more victims follow.  Finally, a guy whose mother was a victim of the axe murderer decides to go out into the woods to get revenge. 

Despite the archaic trappings of the film, the modern touches are equally fun.  This movie features a scene I’ve been waiting to see in a horror flick for a long time:  A moron walking aimlessly around is too busy playing Pokemon Go to realize a killer is standing right in front of him.  This flick isn’t perfect by any means, but it's worth watching just for this awesome sequence. 

Since this is a Dustin Ferguson movie, you just know there’s gonna be a lot of padding.  The biggest problem with the film is that many of the scenes of potential victims walking around the woods go on far too long.  Then again, if they didn’t, it would be thirty-five minutes long instead of fifty-two.  Still, as Ferguson joints go, Axed to Pieces is one of his best. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 666 (2023) ** ½

A goth chick (Jennie Russo) sacrifices her internet date at the grave of the axe maniac Freddy Palmer and performs a satanic ritual to bring the killer back to life.  Enter a group of goth girls who go to the beach to help their friend Kali (Stephanie Ward) get over a nasty breakup.  Naturally, her ex and his new girlfriend (who also happens to be Kali’s former best friend) both show up to spoil the goth girl getaway.  Before long, Freddy enters the picture sporting a newly acquired leather jacket and his trusty axe to further complicate matters. 

Axegrinder III had a plethora of BBW’s in the cast.  This one has more goth girls per square inch than any movie since The Craft.  There’s even a goth girl catfight.  I think they should’ve called it Axegrinder Goth Goth Goth.  If you have a fetish for goth chicks, feel free to add a Half-Star to the rating. 

The intentional humor works more often than not too, although a little of the weaselly “goth lord” Corbin (Jameson Duross) goes a long way.  The highlight is a sex scene so bizarre that it even turns the killer off, which I believe could possibly be a cinematic first.  (It begins with seduction via pinecone.)  This is followed by a much more traditional lesbian (and hot) goth girl tryst in a cemetery.  I also dug the random Curious Dr. Humpp reference where Russo tells the killer, “Use my body to keep you alive!” as she disrobes.  (Although the filmmakers probably thought they were referencing Rob Zombie.)

The gore is solid for the most part.  A guy’s dick is ripped off and shoved down his throat, there’s some gut ripping, a chainsaw is plunged into a stomach, and hands are cut off.  What more could you ask for, really?  It’s not great, but as far as “666” sequels go, you can do plenty worse. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 5: BLOOD VENGEANCE (2022) ** ½

After the slaughter of her cellmates by the psycho axe murderer Freddy Palmer, Cassie (Andrea Martina) has been stewing in a mental ward.  Unjustly blamed for the murders, she awaits sentencing, but is able to escape to a nearby warehouse where an all-girl rock band is practicing.  They vow to help clear her name and take her back to the woods to collect evidence on the killer.  Of course, Freddy has escaped from the government lab and is stalking the forest once again. 

This is another one of those deals that feels like it could’ve been one decent ninety-minute movie, but the filmmakers cut it in half and padded everything out with redundant scenes from the previous installments and turned it into two flimsy flicks.  This one kicks off with the last five minutes of Part 4 and there’s a long stretch where our heroine relates a bunch of flashbacks to the rock band.  I will say that when Axegrinder 5 is focused on showing new material, it works rather well.  I especially dug the all-girl rock band angle as it makes the film feel like an episode of Josie and the Pussycats directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis. 

The film’s attempts at intentional humor often fall flat.  The stuff with the weirdo flower-eating cousin (perhaps a nod to the original Little Shop of Horrors?) is lame.  The gore is OK though.  We get assorted axing, gut spilling, heart ripping (and eating), hand hacking, and decapitation.  Alas, the CGI blood splatters were unnecessary, seeing how the kills were already kind of juicy to begin with. 

The performances are solid this time around.  Martina once again essays the Final Girl role with aplomb, and Kaitlyn Furey is fun as the leader of the rock n’ roll band.  (Especially when she tries to “seduce” the killer.)  it was also nice seeing Veronica Ricci returning as the sexy psychic “Claire Voyant”, although I wish she had a little bit more to do.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER 4: SOULS OF BLOOD (2022) **

This sequel comes from Camp Blood 8 director Dennis Devine.  Porn star Sally Mullins (also in Camp Blood 8) is a scientist studying the regenerative properties of Freddy, the Axegrinder killer.  She decides to conduct a field study and lets him loose in his old backwoods stomping grounds.  Meanwhile, a counselor takes a group of female prisoners into the woods for an outdoor Christian camping therapy trip.  It’s only a matter of time before they run afoul of the bloodthirsty killer. 

Axegrinder 4 has a decent gimmick.  Since the women are all prisoners, they have ankle monitors that will shock them if they get too far away from the guard.  Naturally, the guard is one of the first victims, so the prisoners can only run so far away from the killer. 

When the film is concentrating on this plotline, it works rather well.  However, the scenes with the mad scientists are decidedly less effective, even with Mullins’ constant mugging.  The denouement also runs on way too long.  It’s almost as if the flick felt compelled to wrap up a lot of plot threads that really didn’t need wrapping up.  Had the filmmakers cut down the last fifteen minutes or so, it would’ve easily gotten ** ½.  Instead, it just unnecessarily spins its wheels long after the climax.  That said, any movie that starts off with sexy lesbians playing tag and features Veronica Ricci as a scantily clad psychic can’t get any less than ** in my book. 

Axegrinder 4 also suffers from a lot of padding.  There are flashback scenes from the first three flicks and a blooper reel too.  In addition, the kills are kind of ho-hum this time around as the only highlights come when Freddy cuts off a girl’s foot (that still has her ankle monitor attached) and delivers a backbreaker wrestling move on another gal.  Even though I might not have been “axing” for more, Devine delivered an immediate sequel the same year.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEGRINDER III (2022) ***

Tubi didn’t have Axegrinder 2, so I just jumped right ahead to 3.  My expectations were in the toilet since the original was so bad.  Much to my surprise, I really dug this one.

The high-tech security system at the mental institution goes on the fritz, allowing all the loonies to escape.  Freddy, the psycho axe killer returns home to discover a couple is now living in his old house.  He then takes after them with an axe to reclaim his property. 

The film features a solid cast for this sort of thing.  The director of Manos Returns, Tonjia Atomic shows up as the star of the security system commercial.  Speaking of Manos, the star of the original Manos, The Hands of Fate, Jackey Neyman Jones also turns up as a documentary host.  While her role is little more than an extended cameo, it nice that she graced the film with her Z-Movie legacy.  It was also fun seeing Mel Heflin, a veteran of the Camp Blood series, popping up for a bit. 

Sure, Axegrinder III is guilty of padding.  It opens with flashbacks to the first movie and has long scenes of people watching TV.  Since most of the shows they watch feature chicks modeling naked and/or showering, it’s okay by me. 

Oh, and if you like your ladies on the thicc side, this movie will be right up your alley.  They have no qualms with getting naked too.  There’s even a hot tub three-way with an extra-large throuple.  If you’re a fan of BBW’s, you’ll definitely want to add an extra Half-Star to the rating.  (There are also lots of scenes of people eating hotdogs for whatever reason.) 

This one is a little different than the original in that the killer doesn’t wear a clown mask.  Instead, he just pulls the brim of his baseball cap down over his face, kind of like the killer in the Prom Night remake.  It also takes him about half the movie to finally use his trusty axe.  Most of the time, he strangles, stabs, and hammers people.  That’s not really a criticism, but merely an observation.  Either way, it’s still a big improvement over the original.  The highlight comes when an influencer chains herself to a tree to protest deforestation and gets offed by the killer.  The theme song, which sounds inspired by the “Disco Jason” theme from Friday the 13th 3-D, is really groovy, too.

TUBI CONTINUED… 2 YOUNG 2 DIE (2006) *

After seeing his parents brutally murdered by men in clown masks, a little boy grows up to be a psycho axe murderer.  Years later, a bunch of dumb teens go out into the woods for some drinking and fornicating.  Little do they know they are camping in the killer’s backyard, and he’s got a very big axe to grind with them. 

This is another one of those “bait and switch” Tubi titles.  After watching Axemas, I decided to watch a bunch of movies with the word “Axe” in the title.  This one pretty much screwed everything up right out of the gate as it’s listed as “Axegrinder” on Tubi, but the actual on-screen title is “2 Young 2 Die”.  I don’t know why anyone would swap out the perfectly reasonable sounding Axegrinder with a lame-ass title like 2 Young 2 Die.  Maybe they were trying to cash in on 2 Fast 2 Furious.  Who knows? 

The opening kill scene in the forest is in bad taste where the murderer rescues a jogger from being raped and then promptly kills her.  The other kills lack imagination, suspense, or basic competence.  The rest of the movie is like that, too:  Derivative, dull, and not very effective.  Heck, it’s not even fun in a cheesy way.  It’s not particularly original either (not that originality is necessarily something that’s required to enjoy a low-budget slasher like this).  I mean the killer’s name is “Freddy” for God’s sake.  Uh, guys… I think that name was already taken.

The filmmakers try for a Tales from the Crypt-type ending, but it just doesn’t stick the landing.  The only worthwhile sight is the constant slow-motion shots of the Final Girl’s bosom bouncing up and down as the evades the killer in the third act.  Then again, I can’t completely hate any movie that features a character named “Laura Gemser”. 

AKA:  Axegrinder.  AKA:  Kissed by an Axe.  AKA:  Left 2 Die.

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEMAS 2: BLOOD SLAY (2018) **

One year after the Christmastime murders, a new psycho Santa (Drew Marvick from Pool Party Massacre) is stalking the hallways of the storage unit facility.  Sarah (Ashley Campbell), the sole survivor of last year’s terror, is still haunted by the ghost of her boyfriend (Dillon Weishuhn), who nearly sold her out to the killer Kris Kringle.  She tries to put the incident in her rearview mirror, but fate has something sinister in store for her. 

I had a lot of fun with the original Axemas, but it pains me to say that this one is a bit of a disappointment.  The kills this time out are kind of weak, the lone exception being the fun Christmas tree impalement scene that kicks off the movie.  The rest of the time, the murders are just a series of interchangeable axings, or (even worse) happen offscreen. 

The first film almost played like a condensed version of a holiday slasher with only the good (or most important) parts intact.  This one is slightly longer (thirty-three minutes), but even though the running time is brief, it still drags quite a bit (especially in the early scenes where Campbell is trying her hand at dating again).  I think if they had edited Part One and Two back-to-back, it would’ve made for one (mostly) good (almost) feature-length movie. 

The ghost subplot doesn’t really work and eats up some major screen time, but at least the filmmakers were trying this angle a few years before the Scream reboot.  The best sequence is the news report scene that amusingly parodies Jaws.  While this scene scores some good laughs, unfortunately, that’s about the only touch of humor this installment contains.  I wish there was more of that same spirit throughout the film.  Still, as Christmas-themed slasher sequels go you can do much worse than Axemas 2. 

TUBI CONTINUED… AXEMAS (2017) ***

David (Dillon Weishuhn) works at a storage unit facility and invites his girlfriend Sarah (Ashley Campbell) and some friends to his job for an after-hours Christmas party.  Little do they know there’s also a killer in a Santa suit roaming the corridors.  Since the place is on lockdown until morning, that means the friends will have to do all they can to survive the not-so silent night. 

Axemas is only twenty-five minutes long, and makes for some easy, breezy holiday horror viewing.  It gets right to the point, with an expedited set-up and a no-nonsense approach.  The mazelike corridors of the storage facility make a great location for something like this too.  Campbell also proves to be a strong Final Girl, as she is more than capable of going toe to toe with the killer Saint Nick.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed Axemas, I have to say, it all feels a bit too rushed.  The kills just sort of happen, and while the murder sequences are appropriately bloody and/or funny (Santa shoves a pole through a pair of lovebirds and quips “Welcome to the North Pole!”), they probably would’ve worked better with more of a suspenseful build-up.  While I applaud the desire to get right to the action, it just makes me wonder if there could’ve been a solid seventy-five-minute version of this somewhere in the editing room.  

I know, I know.  Usually, I am all for shorter running times, but that’s only if the movie is painful or inept.  Axemas, on the other hand, offers up a reasonable amount of fun and boasts some unexpected directorial touches.  (There’s a solid split-screen sequence.)  This is one of the rare occasions where a holiday slasher left me wanting more, but in a good way.  Luckily for me, there’s a sequel, so I guess I know what I’ll be reviewing next.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE 50 WORST MOVIES EVER MADE (2004) **

The 50 Worst Movies Ever Made sounds like something that would be right up my alley.  However, it’s only an hour long, so they basically spend a minute or so on each movie, which is disappointing.  (Some only get about fifteen measly seconds.)  It doesn’t help that the narration pretty much amounts to a couple of snarky soundbites about the film, and only a few clips from each flick are shown.  Ultimately, it’s more than a countdown than a documentary.  If you actually want to know something about the movies themselves than just superficial fluff, you’ll be severely disappointed.  As background noise for a party, I guess it wouldn’t be too bad.  

The list tries to give us a mixture of box office bombs (Ishtar, Howard the Duck, Xanadu), films that are “So bad, they’re good” (Robot Monster, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, Robot vs the Aztec Mummy), and ones that are just plain bad (Mesa of Lost Women, They Saved Hitler’s Brain, Leonard Part 6).  Sadly, you know you’re in trouble when they put Glen or Glenda at number 50.  That picture is actually quite fascinating, despite its technical limitations.  Many of the other films chosen are just low budget drive-in flicks that aren’t actually bad (The Crawling Hand, J.D.’s Revenge, The Killer Shrews).  Well… at least I like them.  Most of the clips were just taken from the trailers, so it makes me wonder if it would’ve just played better as a trailer compilation without all the unnecessary commentary.  

Some of the trivia tidbits will be old hats for bad movie fans.  (Phil Tucker, the director of Robot Monster attempted suicide after the movie was panned, Pia Zadora made her acting debut in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Smokey and the Bandit 3 was originally going to be called Smokey is the Bandit, etc.)  While there are worse ways to kill an hour, this “documentary” makes the cardinal sin of mistaking “B movies” for “bad movies”.  In fact, the only movies I would consider bad enough for a list like this were They Saved Hitler’s Brain, The Great Alligator (AKA:  Big Alligator River), Xanadu, and The Wild Women of Wongo.  Again, I wouldn’t go so far to call this terrible, but it’s more irritating than enlightening, especially when they’re dissing movies that are legitimately badass (Galaxy of Terror, The Crippled Masters, Bloodsucking Freaks).  Weirdly, there’s a lot of Jack Hill movies (The Swinging Cheerleaders, Spider Baby, and Sorceress) here that don’t belong anywhere near this list.  

AKA:  The 50 Worst Movies of All Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… BIRTHRIGHT (1951) ** ½

This was recommended to me since I watched Because of Eve.  Because the world needs more syphilis dramas, I decided to check it out.  I have to say, I liked the opening where a friendly sounding narrator says, “Many people gave their time to help tell this story,” before introducing the cast.  We soon learn this isn’t some kind of folksy, homespun, Our Town-style opening, but rather an upfront apology to the audience for all the amateurish acting we’re about to see. 

Chicken farmer John (Boyce Brown) goes into business with his crusty father-in-law, who blames him for everything that goes wrong on the farm.  He also has to deal with nagging wife Liza (Marjory Morris) and his insufferable mother-in-law.  In an effort to get away from all their pestering, John goes out for a night on the town and has a one-night stand with a waitress named Nell (Paula Haygood), who unbeknownst to her, has syphilis.  Flash-forward a few months, and Liza is expecting.  Nell, desperate to find John, finally tracks him down to let him know he’s been infected.  But will it be enough notice to prevent the baby from being born with syphilis?

Birthright was made with good intentions in Athens, Georgia to help inform and educate southern folk about the importance of syphilis detection and treatment.  Of course, the filmmakers had to throw a little skin in there just to get people in the door.  That’s well and good, but I think it’s kind of shitty that they throw a lot of blame on the wife for not going to the doctor sooner.  I mean Jesus, that’s nowhere near as bad as, say, her husband having a one-night stand and bringing home VD.  In fact, the husband gets off the hook so easily for his infidelity that it’s almost insulting.  Not to mention the fact that a potential source of drama goes untapped as he’s almost immediately forgiven for all wrongdoing.  Director Bill Clifford does a good job addressing the ticking timebomb aspect of treating the baby as soon as possible though.   

There is a funny scene where the waitress learns she has syphilis and is informed to contact her previous sex partners.  The nurse even says, “If they’re married, they will probably make their wives sick with syphilis”!  I’m not sure how true this all rings, but it’s a hilarious way to hammer home a plot point.

As an “Adults Only Roadshow Attraction”, Birthright hits its marks.  If you were left frustrated by the brief, unflattering, and unsexy glimpse of Haygood topless (she looks like a deer in headlights) early in the picture, don’t fret.  Hang in there because the “square up” reel is pretty gnarly.  The last ten minutes is a birth of a baby scene that has a novelty of the kid being breech.  That means instead of coming out headfirst, it’s birthed butt first, which requires extra maneuvering by the obstetrician.  Sure, it’s not quite enough to make it all worthwhile, but it’s at least something. 

TUBI CONTINUED… WOWZERS (2019) **

Jaqueline (Sam Fox) kills her husband, who may or may not have deserved it.  Haunted by strange dreams, she runs off to a den of inequity called Wowzers ran by the strange Mr. Dimms (Sam Ball) who openly complains about his inability to cum.  When Jaqueline meets another lost soul named Kayla (Sarah Jo Marson), they decide to run away together.  That is, until the mysterious proprietor offers to give her the answers she’s been so desperately seeking. 

Visually, Wowsers is a lot of fun to look at.  There are shots and scenes here that might remind you of David Lynch, Terrence Malick or Jonathan Glazer.  Some sequences feel completely alien, yet eerily familiar.  Imagine if Mulholland Drive and Cafe Flesh had a mutant baby, and that only halfway describes it. 

That last paragraph may have you chomping at the bit to see Wowzers but be warned.  It ain’t all that great.  Since it’s only thirty-eight minutes long, it’s hard to get your bearings or have time enough to figure out what it all means.  (Or if it means anything, really.)  The dream sequences take up a lot of the running time and they alternate between pointlessly arty and frustratingly vague.  Granted, there is some memorable imagery here (like the sexy nun dominatrix), but writer/director Ace Thor’s script is much too flimsy to support his admittedly interesting visuals.  Ultimately, it’s much too abstract to be satisfying as a narrative, and too thin to really be “about” anything in particular. 

Fox is pretty good in the lead and looks great in a skintight latex catsuit.  If only her character had more to go on, we might’ve been able to see what she was really capable of as an actress.  Marson also makes quite a impression in her short amount of screen time.  Maybe next time out, they’ll both land a vehicle worthy of their talents.