OOPS... THE FINAL TUBI CONTINUED... REVIEW (I SWEAR THIS TIME)

Maybe it was all those Ultraman flicks that tripped me up.  Perhaps it was the oddball numbering system on the Camp Blood movies.  Whatever the case, I somehow miscounted and only reviewed 364 movies on Tubi in 365 days instead of the promised 365.  If you bet against the house, I'd say you won on a technicality.  To make up for this grave oversight, I am going to give everyone a sneak peek of my latest book, Kung Fu Companion:  The Chopsocky Movie Guide with this review of Enemies Closer, which is available to stream on Tubi.  I hope you all can forgive me.  

ENEMIES CLOSER  (2014)  ** ½ 

It took nearly twenty years, but Jean-Claude Van Damme and his Timecop/Sudden Death director Peter Hyams finally reunited to make this solid actioner.  The twist this time out is that Van Damme’s actually playing the villain.  Although he doesn’t quite eclipse his villainous turn in The Expendables 2, it still remains one of his all-time best performances and his scenery-chewing is easily the best thing about the film.

An airplane full of heroin goes down in the water near the US/Canada border.  A group of mercenaries posing as Mounties (led by Van Damme) come on the scene looking for it.  Meanwhile, a Special Forces solider-turned-park ranger (Tom Everett Scott) is assaulted by a man (Orlando Jones) who holds him responsible for his brother’s death during the war.  Their beef is quickly put on hold when they cross paths with Van Damme and his men.  The two men then have to learn to work together in order to survive.

Hyams keeps things moving at a steady clip for the most part.    The film is rather engaging for a while, but it takes a nosedive in quality in the third act as the scenes of people running around in the dark quickly get repetitive and wear out their welcome.  (These scenes are often too dark to clearly make out the action.)  Another stumbling block:  It’s just plain odd seeing the usually good-natured Tom Everett (That Thing You Do) Scott and Orlando (Double Take) Jones trying to act tough.  I for one never thought I’d see the American Werewolf in Paris fight The Muscles from Brussels.  

Most of the fun comes from Van Damme’s hilarious off-kilter performance.  He goes way over the top and seems to be having the time of his life.  Sporting poofy red hair and a devilish grin, Van Damme minces around in a Mountie outfit and goes on and on about his pet political causes like veganism and pollution.  His maniacal laughter, erratic behavior, and deranged monologues (including one about a pet goose he had when he was a kid) in some ways make him a bit reminiscent of The Joker.  (Caesar Romero or Heath Ledger, take your pick.)  He also gets the best line when he says, “Think about our carbon footprints!  Think about the children!”

TUBI CONTINUED… WRAP-UP

So, what did I learn from watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days?  I learned it’s possible to have only one streaming service and be mostly content with the uh… content.  There’s some good stuff on Tubi, and there’s a lot of crap, but it’s MY kind of crap.  I don’t know if I can in good conscience cancel the various streaming services I pay for and chuck it all for Tubi, but it WOULD theoretically be possible to do so.  

Tubi, for my money, is the closest you can get to that old mom and pop video store feeling.  The kind that carried the weird kinds of crap the big names dare not rent.  Because of that, I will still continue to frequent Tubi, mostly because you just never know what kind of weird shit will turn up on there.  However, I don’t think I could do it on a daily basis again.  

Before I close the door on this column, I did a little data crunching and was surprised by the results.  You might not give a rip about these stats, but I kind of got a kick out of them.  

In the past year on Tubi I have watched…

365 movies in 365 days… including…

41 movies with the word “Massacre” in the title…

29 Ultraman movies…

27 Fake Amityville movies…

13 Lingerie Fighting Championships…

17 movies directed by Mark Polonia… and…

15 movies directed by Dustin Ferguson

Also, here’s the Ten Best and Worst Tubi Discoveries of the Year…

Ten Best: 

1. Lingerie Fighting Championships 31:  Booty Camp 2

2. Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion 

3. Lingerie Fighting Championships 28:  Sindependence Day

4. Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4 

5. Lingerie Fighting Championships 34:  United We Stand

6. L.A. AIDS Jabber 

7. Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty n’ Nice 

8. Lingerie Fighting Championships 30:  Born to Be Wild

9. Lingerie Fighting Championships 29:  A Hot Midsummer Night’s Dream

10. Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend 

Ten Worst:

1. All Jacked Up and Full of Worms

2. Bikini Hackers 

3. Cocaine Shark 

4. Werewolf Bitches from Outer Space

5. After School Special 

6. The Manson Family Massacre

7. Space Vampire

8. Savage Vengeance 

9. Mt. Misery Rd.

10. Amityville Hex 

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, Mitch… you just spent the last year of your life watching Tubi movies.  You should really take a break or seek psychiatric help.  And you know what?  I think I will take a break from streaming movies on a daily basis in 2024.  

HOWEVER… that’s just another way of saying instead of streaming movies on a daily basis, I will be watching movies on a physical media format on a daily basis in 2024.  That’s right, folks.  I’ll be back on my bullshit next year (or… tomorrow) with a new movie-a-day column called Let’s Get Physical where I try to watch 366 movies in 366 days (it’s a Leap Year after all).  

Happy New Year, everyone!

TUBI CONTINUED… CAROUSH3LL (2023) **

Well, we’ve finally made it.  We’ve come to the end of the year-long Tubi Continued… column.  I don't want to pat myself on the back, but watching 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days is nothing to sneeze at.  Because of that, I wanted to finish out the series with a bang, so I picked a movie that I thought couldn’t miss, the third film in the CarousHELL saga, CarousH3LL.  I was wrong.

A rabbit carousel animal crashes an Easter party and kills everyone.  Meanwhile, Duke the killer unicorn carousel horse (the voice of Steve Rimpici) is trying to reconnect with his half-human half-horse son, Robbie.  A one-eyed killer (director Steve Rudzinski) with a grudge against Duke enters the fray and makes an uneasy alliance with the rabbit to take Duke down. 

I was a fan of the first film and, to a lesser extent, Part 2.  This one was a bit of a disappointment, but the first ten minutes are pure CarousHELL gold.  There’s a three-way sex scene where the killer rabbit and a couple go to town on each other that goes on for a long time.  (Note:  That’s not a criticism.)  This scene is made all the better since Jessa Flux looks smoking hot in and out of her sexy bunny cosplay.  Folks, this will probably go down as the sex scene of the year.  Too bad it’s all downhill from there. 

The big misstep is the sidelining of Duke for much of the action in favor of director’s eye patch-wearing character.  When Duke is front and center, it’s moderately fun.  When Rudzinski takes center stage, the film sinks.  Also, some long, dialogue-heavy flashback scenes are repeated twice for some reason.  (Most likely to pad out the running time.)  The switch away from carousel animals to sports team mascot types of characters late in the film feels like an attempt to capture the furry market too. There’s also a random wrestling scene that’s just sort of there. 

The kills this time around include decapitations, scythes entering various locations of the body, eye gouging, heart ripping, face chopping, and unicorn horn impalement.  Nothing cuts as deep as the onslaught of bad puns though. 

AKA:  CarousHELL 3.

TUBI CONTINUED… AIMEE: THE VISITOR (2023) **

From the looks of things, I thought this was going to be Charles Band’s riff on M3GAN, given his propensity for movies about killer dolls.  As it turns out, it’s a different animal altogether.  AIMEE isn’t a killer doll, but an AI program who, according to the opening title card, is the first AI generated actress in film history. 

A hacker named Keyes (Dallas Schaefer) receives a package containing a highly advanced AI named AIMEE.  She looks like a slightly more sophisticated version of one of those video poker dealers and basically acts like Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie.  (She even goes so far as to call Keyes, “Master”.)  AIMEE eventually falls in love with Keyes and protects him by killing FBI agents who try to hack into his system.  Naturally, when Keyes gets a flesh and blood girlfriend (Faith West), AIMEE becomes jealous and goes on a killing spree. 

AI is a very hot subject nowadays, and I’m sure there was a kernel of a good idea lurking somewhere in the script.  However, all the scenes of Keyes doing his computer hacker shit feels like something out of a ‘90s movie.  Likewise, the film itself resembles a throwback to Band’s old Full Moon movies like The Killer Eye.  That’s not exactly a bad thing, but I think the script could’ve used an upgrade.  Sure, there are some amusing bits here, like when AIMEE connects to a Roomba and turns it to a killing machine.  It’s just that it doesn’t help when most of the movie is devoted to interchangeable scenes of a guy talking to his computer monitor.  

Maybe if this was more in the vein of a Surrender Cinema movie it would’ve been more effective.  There are a couple of nude scenes (West looks particularly great), but if Band amped up the sexual tension, it could’ve been an OK updating of all those ‘90s Skinamax flicks.  (Essentially swapping out the VR gimmick for AI.)  I did like the part where AIMEE analyzed her master’s porn-watching data and created his “ultimate” fantasy though.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE BLACK RIDER (1954) ** ½

A shadowy figure in a black hood known as “The Black Monk” rides around terrorizing the citizens of a small English hamlet on a motorcycle during the full moon.  An intrepid reporter (and motorcycle enthusiast) investigates and is almost killed for his trouble.  That doesn’t deter him from digging and soon, he has a hunch the Black Monk isn’t a phantom after all, but a flesh and blood henchman for a den of smugglers hiding out in the town’s crumbling castle estate.  When the reporter’s girlfriend is kidnapped, he calls on the members of his local motorcycle riding club to help rescue her. 

Directed by Wolf (Village of the Damned) Rilla, The Black Rider is an engaging and breezy little thriller that owes a lot to the Old Dark House mysteries of the ‘30s and ‘40s.  You know, the ones where spies posed as monsters to keep snoopers away.  Except instead of an Old Dark House, it’s an Old English Town.  It was made around the same time as The Wild One, so having a motorcycle-riding hero was still something of a novelty.   

In fact, it also reminded me a little of the Juvenile Delinquent genre as it’s an impassioned plea by motorcycle riders for acceptance by the public.  Sure, the Black Monk is a bad guy, but all the other riders in the film are portrayed as easygoing guys who ride for recreation and sport.  Half the movie is spent on the reporter trying to prove to his future father in-law (and editor) that motorcyclists are people too.  There are times where it almost feels like pro-motorcycle propaganda financed by the British Motorcyclists’ Administration parading as a thriller. 

Most of this is goofy, but I kinda dug it.  It’s only an hour long and Rilla keeps things speeding along.  I can’t lie and say the mystery is gripping and the performances are engaging.  What I can say is that it’s a silly, semi-entertaining oddity. 

TUBI CONTINUED… SEASON’S GREETINGS II (2019) **

I never saw the original Season’s Greetings (alas, it’s not on Tubi), but if this column has taught you anything about me, it’s that I will readily watch a sequel even though I’ve never seen the first film in the series. 

A schlub in an ugly Christmas sweater sits by a fireplace and relates three tales of Yuletide terror to the audience.  First up is “The Manger” (**).  A young alcoholic woman is on the run from a cult of bird-women Satanists.  She eventually decides to stop running and confront them on Christmas, the day that their “new messiah” will be born. 

This tale isn’t exactly a short story.  It feels more like a scene that was taken from another movie.  It’s not bad or anything.  It just seems like you’ve channel surfed into the last fifteen minutes of something.  There is a semi-twist at the end, although it feels more like a foregone conclusion than anything.  The sight of sexy Satanic lesbian bird women is pretty memorable though. 

The next story is “Merry Fucking Christmas” (**).  When a woman finds her sister has been sleeping with her boyfriend, she decides to spend Christmas at an airbnb.  Little does she know a killer has snuck into the house to spread a little Christmas fear. 

Whereas The Manger felt like an isolated scene from a movie, this feels like an entire film compacted into fifteen minutes.  It’s not very original or memorable, but it is at the very least competent and well made.  Too bad the ending is so abrupt.  (Maybe that was supposed to be the “twist”.)

“The Naughty List” (***) is the final tale.  Santa gets fed up with seeing the same names on the Naughty List year after year, so he sends an elf to take care of business.  The elf crashes a Christmas party full of foul-mouthed delinquents and sets out to cross them off the Naughty List for good. 

The set-up is fun, and it wastes no time diving into its simple, but entertaining premise headfirst.  Although the elf seems to be clearly modeled on Art the Clown from Terrifier, he’s still sort of amusing.  His choice of Christmas-themed weapons is often good for a laugh too.  (My favorite was the snowflake decorations that doubled as Ninja stars.)  Santa gets the best line of the movie when he tells the elf, “I want you deck the halls… with blood!” 

TUBI CONTINUED… TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (1987) * ½

Tales from the Quadead Zone is an hour-long shot-on-video anthology horror flick from Chester Novell Turner, the director of the infamous Black Devil Doll from Hell.  The “Wraparound” (**) has a mother telling her invisible ghost son stories from the titular tome. 

The first tale is “Food For?” (*).  A poor family with many mouths to feed have to fight each other for measly portions at the dinner table.  One day, junior gets pissed about having to fight his kinfolk for bologna sandwiches and grabs a shotgun and guns down the competition. 

This is a very strange story that feels unfinished.  The hook is intriguing enough, but it goes nowhere fast.  Plus, the ending is a total rip-off as we only learn of the family members’ fates by an onscreen text. 

Next is “The Brothers” (* ½).  A guy gets his friends to help steal his brother’s corpse from the morgue.  He then uses the opportunity to yell at his older brother’s body for all the shit he did to him while he was alive.  As one final indignity, he plans to bury his brother in the basement dressed as a clown.  But will the clown get the last laugh?

This segment is plagued with poor audio as much of the dialogue is hard to hear or just plain unintelligible.  The scene where the protagonist is alone with his brother’s corpse and has a sort of half-assed therapy session with it had potential, but it doesn’t really go anywhere.  Although this tale gets points for general weirdness, it just doesn’t work overall. 

The final tale, “Unseen Vision” (* ½) feeds back into the wraparound story.  The mother is interrupted from reading her ghost son another story when her abusive husband comes home and attacks her.  She kills him in self-defense and then takes her own life to be with her son in the afterlife. 

Handled the right way, this could’ve been a tragic and powerful story.  Too bad the acting is so amateurish.  I did like the negative vision effects for the ghosts, but ultimately, it’s just too dreary to be totally successful. 

The biggest issue with Tales from the Quadead Zone is that the three stories have no real meat on them.  Anthology horror flicks should have a twist ending, or at the very least be atmospheric.  The second story comes closest to meeting that criterion, but it’s still not very good.  Plus, there’s nothing here approaching the sheer lunacy of Turner’s jaw-dropping Black Devil Doll from Hell.  Turner was also responsible for the terrible theme song that sounds like Yoda rapping. 

TUBI CONTINUED… HALLUCINATIONS (1986) ***

John (co-director John Polonia) and Mark (co-director Mark Polonia) are two brothers whose friend Tood (co-director Todd Michael Smith) comes to their house for a sleepover.  Before long, they are having strange dreams and hallucinations.  Are these hallucinations real, or are they merely figments of their imaginations?

Because of the hallucinatory nature of the film, that means the filmmakers can get away with a lot of weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  We also get a lot of grossness for grossness’ sake, too.  The hallucinations include people puking blood, vomit to the face, machete to the neck, torture via a guy with a pillowcase over his head, a demon baby attack, a giant slug in the shower, and a killer wearing Freddy Krueger inspired make-up.  (I could’ve done without the scene where a chainsaw takes on a life of its own and chops up the family cat though.)  The best scene finds a Christmas elf decoration coming to life and… well… I won’t spoil it. 

Yes, this is yet another Polonia Brothers Shot-on-Video flick.  (This was their second in a long line of low budget features).  As someone who has watched a lot of bad Polonia Brothers movies this year, it gives me great pleasure to find one that’s a surprising amount of fun.  It’s only an hour long, and there’s no shortage of gore or DIY scenes of horror here.  Actually, by all the scenes of them clearing their driveway, it looks like something that a bunch of friends would make at home on a snow day, which of course, is part of the charm.   Plus, the occasional static and tape rolls help recreate the feel of watching it on VHS, which is nice.  If on the off chance you do get bored before the end, you can have fun trying to figure out what happened to one of the brothers’ mustaches in the third act.  

TUBI CONTINUED… KARPENTER (2017) ***

An axe murderer named Karpenter (Tim Nydell) escapes from a mental institution the night before Halloween.  He then strolls into a small town and begins hacking women up with his trusty axe.  Afterwards, he sets his sights on a Halloween party that offers up plenty of axe fodder. 

If you can’t already tell by the title and premise, this is pretty much a tribute to John Carpenter’s immortal classic Halloween.  Director Christian Ackerman has definitely studied Carpenter’s playbook, but also sprinkles in a couple of unique touches as well.  Most of the kills occur offscreen, but we do get a couple of pretty good decapitations, a fire poker in the eye, and a face gets ripped off.  It’s all fairly standard stuff, and yet it remains a thoroughly entertaining exercise all in all. 

Look, I’m not going to go out on a limb and say it’s perfect.  The filmmakers kind of overdo it with all the drone shots (a trend that crops up more and more in these low budget slashers) and there’s too much unnecessary slow motion.  On the plus side, it’s only an hour long (actually, it’s closer to forty-five minutes if you don’t count the extended closing credits complete with outtakes and bloopers) and has no qualms about getting right down to business. 

The thing that really elevates this from the glut of similar slashers clogging up my algorithm on Tubi is its sense of humor.  Some of the comedic moments work surprisingly well.  The best sequence is a clever subversion on the old standby, the shower scene.  I don’t want to spoil it for you because it results in the biggest laugh of the movie, but definitely keep an eye out for it.  (The constant merengue music on the soundtrack just adds to the WTF factor.)  Touches like that make Karpenter a cut above the rest.

TUBI CONTINUED… DEMONOIDS FROM HELL (2023) **

A bunch of friends sneak into a haunted house amusement after hours and make fun of all the cheesy props.  They then perform a black magic incantation and awaken a bunch of cheap hand puppets… I mean… monsters.  Flash forward ten years later.  Two gal pals move into an apartment together and invite their boyfriends over for a party.  It’s not long before the Demonoids crash the party and chomp their way through the guest list.  From there, they set their sights on terrorizing a dimwitted security guard. 

Demonoids from Hell is, of course, Dustin (Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors) Ferguson’s riff on the ‘80s cult classic, Ghoulies.  There’s even a Demonoid in the toilet scene.  Unfortunately, unlike Ghoulies, the Demonoids talk and crack jokes and frankly, none of it is very funny.  (Maybe that was a tip of the hat to Ghoulies 4?)  The attack scenes are weak too and the gore, aside from a scene where some fingers are chomped off, is lightweight. 

The good news is it’s less than an hour long.  Even then, there’s still padding in the form of a horror movie hostess (Malovia’s Movie Matinee) popping up for intros and intermission breaks, pointless news report scenes, and an obscenely long end credits sequence.  

The fractured narrative is probably the oddest thing about it.  The opening sequence looks like it was actually filmed ten years prior, and the stuff with the coeds feels like it should’ve been much longer.  Also, the security guard’s stuff feels like scenes from a prospective sequel.  Like most of Ferguson’s movies, it comes off feeling like it was cobbled together.  At least this time, the flick has some charm, and it moves at a reasonable clip.  You can say a lot about Demonoids from Hell, but I’ve certainly seen worse Ferguson films this year, that’s for sure. 

TUBI CONTINUED… THE LIONESS (2019) * ½

Megan (Lacey Hartselle) is a stripper who lives in an apartment with a bunch of other strippers who mostly just sit around and complain about their lives to one another.  When they’re not doing that, the ladies think up new stripper names, have flashbacks to their crummy past, and try to figure out how they’re going to support their families.  At the club, some money goes missing and soon, everyone is a suspect.  We eventually learn Goldie (Gabriele Orebaugh) is the culprit and she brings down a world of shit on the other girls seeing as the money belonged to the Mob and all.  She and Megan then make a run for it, but can they trust one another? 

The constant breaking of the fourth wall sort of makes this feel like a stage play adaptation, and for all I know, it probably is.  However, the strippers don’t have anything substantial to say to the camera as their monologues are amateurishly written and painfully performed.  It certainly does little to endear them to the audience.

Speaking of underwhelming audience experiences, it's also frustrating that the stripping scenes feature no nudity.  Heck, the strippers don’t even really dance.  They just pout and slowly circle around the pole.  Even worse is the fact that the stage is just a stripper pole in front of a tinsel curtain.  What can you say about a movie about strippers that can’t even afford to film in a real strip club?  I know they were going for a theatrical feel with all the monologues and shit, but that strip club set wouldn’t cut it in an Off-Off-Off Broadway play.  

Even though the fourth-wall breaks are kind of annoying, that storytelling device is still somewhat novel in something like this.  Once the plot focuses on the missing money and the girls going on the lam, it becomes rote and boringly predictable.  All in all, The Lioness has very little bite.

TUBI CONTINUED… INVISIBLE ENEMIES (1997) **

Invisible Enemies begins in 2024 (hey, that’s just a few days away!) with Jackson (played in the future by Jan Van Sickle) relating a flashback to his son.  You see, back in his college days, Jackson (played in his youth by Jason Guess) stumbled upon an old pair of glasses while walking around campus.  When he put the glasses on, he found he could see into other people’s lives (he mostly just sees them arguing and generally acting shitty to other people).  Eventually, he learned the glasses belonged to none other than the Devil himself (who talks in a Freddy Krueger voice).  Naturally, the Devil goes after his hard-partying sister and it’s up to Jackson to save her. 

This isn’t great by any stretch of the imagination, but I liked the ‘90s aesthetic.  The sight of ladies wearing combat boots with sundresses and black choker necklaces just does something to me, I guess.  Even though the set-up is promising, things get real Jesus-y, real quick.  Not that it matters much.  I mean, you’re talking to the guy who watched the whole Thief in the Night tetralogy a few months ago for this column.  

The opening is solid, but Invisible Enemies ultimately winds up feeling like something you’d be forced to watch at a church youth group lock-in.  Fortunately, it’s short (thirty-seven minutes), moves at an acceptable pace, and doesn’t wear out its welcome.  (It almost feels like a pilot for a Christian horror TV series that didn’t get picked up.)  At least the scenes of the translucent Devil tormenting the sister at a rave are good for a laugh. 

Van Sickle gets the best line of the movie when he describes his life as a “Slow-motion swan dive into the toilet”.  That doesn’t exactly describe the movie, thankfully.  Just don’t expect anything close to being “good” though. 

TUBI CONTINUED… I WAS A TEENAGE SERIAL KILLER (1993) ** ½

Mary (Kristin Calabrese) is a teenage hooker who gets fed up with taking men’s shit and decides to get revenge by killing all the scumbags that do her wrong on a daily basis.  Mary’s methods of disposal include shooting, poisoning, and strangling.  Eventually, she runs into a male serial killer, and while I wouldn’t say they “fall in love”, he proves to be someone she can play house with.  (And by “play house with”, I mean “murder scumbags with”).  But will her happiness last?

I Was a Teenage Serial Killer was the low budget short film debut of director Sarah Jacobson.  It’s very rough and amateurish in places, but there are certainly moments here that work.  There are times where it feels kind of like a black and white gender swapped version of Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer, but with a punk rock DIY attitude and sense of humor.  The scene where Mary kills a guy during sex for removing his condom is rather effective, and also contains some surprising nudity.  Too bad a lot of the shots (both in this scene and elsewhere in the movie) are out of focus. 

The film is only twenty-five minutes long, but it manages to pack in a surprisingly high body count in that short amount of time.  Although the death scenes aren’t overly gruesome, they are fairly bloody.  Jacobson’s stabs at humor (pun possibly intended) are successful maybe half of the time.  It helps that Calabrese has a likeable screen presence about her.  She makes Mary’s final confession scene heartfelt, even if some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose.  

Sure, I Was a Teenage Serial Killer is pretty uneven.  However, it does have what is probably the only death by Dustbuster scene in cinema history.  Because of that, I’d say it’s worthy of your time. 

TUBI CONTINUED… FEEDERS 3: THE FINAL MEAL (2022) **

After a twenty-four year wait, director Mark Polonia finally returns with the third chapter in the Feeders franchise.  It starts with a spoof of Plan 9 from Outer Space with horror movie host Mr. Lobo doing a riff on the Criswell opening.  Basically, he’s just apologizing to the audience upfront and stating the movie’s “not bad, just misunderstood”. 

Yes, Polonia goes “meta” this time out.  

A director is making a low budget movie about the original alien invasion.  To adjust for the times, he makes the leads women (amusingly called “female Derek” and “female Bennett”).  That means we get to see recreations of scenes from the first movie while the actors and crew members make snide comments about the chintzy production design and dialogue.  This portion of the movie is the most fun.  Too bad there’s too many other subplots and unnecessary characters (everyone from an FBI agent to a German scientist) that get in the way.  In fact, I’m not sure it wouldn't have worked better as an anthology, seeing how the various plotlines never really intersect in a meaningful way. 

The last one took place on Christmas.  This one is set at Halloween.  It’s a shame that Polonia doesn’t take advantage of the holiday the same way he did with Part 2.  There’s a fun scene where the aliens are mistaken for trick-or-treaters, but it seems like Polonia could’ve gotten more mileage out of the situation.  

And like Part 2, it’s heavily padded.  There’s not one, but TWO prologues (the Mr. Lobo sketch and another intro about the vastness of space), long news report scenes, long flashbacks to the first movie (in addition to the recreations in the movie within a movie), flashbacks to the second movie, and an intermission featuring two other horror movie hosts (Count Gore and Marlena Midnite).  The CGI upgrade on the UFOs effects look as good as you could hope for from a Polonia flick.  The aliens themselves are still done in the old school manner, but somehow look even worse than they did in the ‘80s.  (Unless that’s supposed to be the joke.)

TUBI CONTINUED… FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998) ***

Originally, I was going to try to do a Twelve Days of Christmas type of thing for the Tubi Continued… column, but since I was running behind, I instead just started watching as many short movies as possible in order to finish watching 365 movies in 365 days.  Despite that, I was still able to work in a few Xmas movies like Axemas, Santa’s Got Style, and this surprisingly fun Christmas-themed sequel. 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, extraterrestrial feeders are stirring and kill a woman wearing an ugly blouse.  Mark Polonia is the star, his upper lip filled with thick hair, and he sees crappy looking UFOs flying through the air.  When all of a sudden, there arose such a clatter. The audience gasps when they see what was the matter:   To what to their wondering eyes did appear, but the miniature monsters attacking Santa Claus and his reindeer!

I was flat-out shocked how much I enjoyed this, especially seeing how bad the original was.  It’s still no classic or anything, so let’s get the bad news out of the way first.  The kills this time around are pretty weak and mostly just involve victims spitting up blood.  The feeders themselves look better (sorta) but lack the charm of the monsters in the first flick.  It’s also padded with flashbacks to Part 1, scenes of kids watching cartoons, and women wrapping presents.  There are also long chunks of middling material in between the highlights. 

That said, there are two sequences that will be burned into my memory for years to come.  The first comes when the feeders attack Santa Claus while he’s flying his sleigh.  And no, I don’t mean a guy dressed as Santa Claus.  I mean the real McCoy.  Jolly Saint Nick himself (and his elf RIP).  This scene taken on its own terms (even if it doesn’t exactly take the fullest advantage of the idea) is worth an extra Half-Star. 

The second scene comes when Santa takes his revenge on the aliens.  If you ever wanted to see Kris Kringle go Charles Bronson on a bunch of clay puppets, Feeders 2:  Slay Bells has you covered.  This scene, like the sleigh attack is worth an extra Half-Star.  I can’t say it will replace Santa Claus Conquers the Martians as the definitive Santa vs. Aliens movie, but it does have some big laughs waiting for you under the tree. 

TUBI CONTINUED… FEEDERS (1996) * ½

Feeders is an early Polonia Brothers effort.  They’ve made some bad ones in their time, but boy, is this one ever rough.  They made it before they perfected their craft (“perfected” is totally not the right word… but… oh well…) and there are some moments that are spectacularly inept.  That might sound like pure gold to Bad Movie aficionados (and, admittedly, the flick has its moments), but it’s rather painful at times.

Aliens land in a small town and run around the forest.  Derek (co-director Jon McBride) and Bennett (co-director John Polonia) are two friends on a road trip who go camping in the nearby woods.  Eventually, they come face to face with the hungry aliens. 

I am usually halfway forgiving about things like budgetary limitations when I review Shot-on-Video horror flicks, but… man.  This one was rough.  Sure, it was shot on video, but so was your cousin’s piano recital in 1989, and I don’t think I’d want to watch that.  The special effects for the UFO look like something out of a Commodore 64 game, and the rubbery aliens are good for a laugh.  The negative vision POV shots of them scurrying around get old real fast though. 

I thought this was going to be the Tubi movie that finally made me crack mentally.  Fortunately, things improved once the little critters started burrowing their hungry maws into unsuspecting people.  The gore in these scenes is okay, and the greenscreen severed head is particularly hilarious.  That still doesn’t excuse all the long dull walking scenes and the score that will put you to sleep.  The best special effect though is the use of the Polonia twins, John and Mark playing the hero and his evil double. 

Co-director (that’s right it took three people to cobble this mess together) McBride was also responsible for the much better SOV efforts, Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre. 

TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER ZERO-ONE: REAL X TIME (2020) **

An AI intelligence with a severe God complex wants to destroy the world in no less than sixty minutes.  The only people who will be spared are his faithful, creepy, cult-like servants.  Naturally, the only one who stands in his way is Kamen Rider Zero-One.  When he gets sidelined by the baddie, other Kamen Riders step up to lend him a hand. 

Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time has a solid gimmick of taking place in real time.  Even though it’s only eighty minutes long, it makes clever use of flashbacks and/or showing events that are happening concurrently to open the narrative up just a bit.  The filmmakers even use a little timer at the bottom of the screen during some scenes to keep things honest, a touch I appreciated.  (It also helps to let you know just how much time is left in the movie, so you don’t have to keep on hitting the “Display” button.)

That said, like Kamen Rider:  Heisei Generations Forever, it has way too many characters and too much cutting back and forth between them.  It starts off in fine fashion with a neat opening sequence, but it quickly gets bogged down afterwards even with a semi-streamlined plot.  At least there’s more motorcycle action this time around, including a fun chase scene that is done in one long take.  

Another goofy touch is that all the Kamen Riders’ weapons and shit look like cheap toys.  (I guess they were taking a page from the Ultraman playbook.)  While it’s not exactly great, it still has a few random weird asides (like the guy with literal abs of steel) to keep you sort of invested.  Fans will surely eat it up, but honestly, Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real x Time needed a bit more up its sleeve to be worthwhile for non-Kamen Rider enthusiasts. 

AKA:  Kamen Rider Zero-One:  Real Time.  AKA:  Kamen Rider:  Zero-One:  The Movie:  Real x Time.

TUBI CONTINUED… KAMEN RIDER: HESEI GENERATIONS FOREVER (2018) * ½

After watching a shitload of Ultraman movies, I decided to keep the Tokusatsu train going by watching some Kamen Rider movies.  I have to admit before starting this review that I’m not well-versed in Kamen Rider lore.  I’ve enjoyed episodes of the original series and dug the new Shin Kamen Rider, but I haven’t seen any of the more recent shows.  That probably explains why I was so goddamned confused watching this. 

A green cyclone brings a little boy to Earth.  He is pursued by an evil “Time Jacker” and it’s up to various Kamen Riders to save him.  The problem is, after they’ve been on Earth too long, they develop amnesia and forget they’re really grasshopper-powered motorcycle-riding superheroes.  The Kamen Riders must regain their memories and eventually team up to take the bad guy down. 

Imagine if you tried to watch Spider-Man:  No Way Home and you were only familiar with the ‘60s cartoon show, and that might give you an idea of how I felt watching this.  I mean, No Way Home at least tries to set everything up for the audience on the off chance they didn’t see the originals.  This one does little to catch newcomers up to speed.  Because of that, the only thing you have to hang your hat on are the fight scenes. 

Even the fights are lackluster and unsatisfying though.  Most of the problem stems from having too many Riders wearing ever-evolving armor.  Because of that, it gets hard to tell who’s who.  Likewise, the fights themselves are interchangeable and unmemorable too.  (I did like the one fight that featured Batman-style cartoon bubbles though.)

Once we finally get an explanation of what’s going on, it’s depressingly juvenile, even for a movie about guys in bug suits who ride motorcycles.  And to make matters worse, there’s very little of that either.  We finally do get some motorcycle action near the end, but by then, it’s too little too late.  Like the amnesiac characters in the film, you’ll probably have no memory of what just happened after you watch it. 

TUBI CONTINUED… IN SEARCH OF AN ULTRAMAN! INVASION FROM ANOTHER SPACE! (2021) * ½

With In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space!, I have now come to the final Ultraman “movie” on Tubi.  I use the word “movie” very loosely.  Like some of these Ultraman flicks I’ve reviewed, it’s only a half-hour long.  However, it’s not an official Ultraman movie, but more of a fan film that somehow managed to be uploaded to Tubi. 

You know, “Fan film” may not even be the right word for it.  It looks more like a YouTube show.  It also has the look of something that was made during the pandemic as the whole thing resembles a Zoom call.  I know people had a lot of downtime on their hands then, and I’m glad they did something creative with their time, but still…  This is pretty bad.  

A scruffy-looking scientist scrambles the feed and breaks in with an emergency broadcast to inform the world that an alien attack is imminent.  He says that his agency is desperately trying to contact Ultraman to save Earth, but so far, they have had no success reaching him.  Meanwhile, irritating “experts” and news anchors provide updates on the impending invasion. 

Even though In Search of an Ultraman!  Invasion from Another Space! Is only thirty-four minutes long, it feels at least four times that length.  The banter between all the talking heads is particularly excruciating (especially the scientist with a terrible German accent).  To make matters worse, it’s padded out with multiple scenes of someone playing with Ultraman toys.  If you’re going to do shit like this, it should at least… you know… be funny.  If you do manage to somehow sit through it all, you will be rewarded with an OK cameo that (just barely) justifies this whole thing’s existence.  For the most part though, it feels like a cheap and annoying YouTube video that you definitely would not “Like” or “Subscribe”. 

TUBI CONTINUED… ULTRAMAN R/B THE MOVIE: SELECT! THE CRYSTAL OF BOND (2019) ***

Ultraman R/B is different than the other Ultraman iterations in that they are a set of brothers who turn into Ultramen whenever their world is threatened.  However, it’s been a year or so since their last battle and they are starting to think about what the future holds for unemployed superheroes.  That changes when there’s an alien attack and they have to suit up once again.  Ultraman Geed also shows up to lend a hand, but things go from bad to worse when R’s goth friend is turned into a giant monster. 

There’s more intentional humor this time out, which is a problem because the bulk of it just isn’t funny.  The comic daydreams and sitcom situations (like when R/B and their father spy on their sister when she goes out on a date) don’t really work, and don’t score any laughs to speak of.  Then again, these scenes don’t exactly grate on your nerves either, which I suppose is a small victory.  At least the comic relief shit dries up once the monsters attack.  Plus, the film’s heart is in the right place, and the family dynamic helps to give this one a little bit different flavor than the previous Ultraman efforts. 

Fortunately, the monster brawls are a lot of fun and are well-worth the wait.  The monsters look appropriately old school (albeit with a few CGI enhancements here and there), which is to say they are rubbery and silly.  As with Ultraman Orb:  The Movie, the film contains some clever camerawork that opens things up a little bit, and the finale (which feels like an Ultraman version of the Flash scenes in the Justice League movie) is legitimately cool.  Also, the arrival of an Ultrawoman was a long time coming, and helps make this entry kind of progressive… I guess. 

AKA:  Ultraman R/B:  Select!  The Crystal of Bond.