WARLORDS OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY (1982) * ½

“After the Oil Wars”, Corlie (Annie McEnroe) escapes the clutches of the post-apocalyptic warlord, Straker (James Wainwright) and his armor-plated truck.  She takes up with a motorcycle-riding loner named Hunter (Michael Beck), which sends Straker in a tizzy.  He then sends his goons after Hunter and they proceed to get their butts whipped.

Warlords of the Twenty-First Century isn’t the worst of the post-apocalyptic action movies that came out in the wake of Mad Max, but it definitely belongs on the lower rungs of the genre.  I will praise director Harley Cokliss on the camerawork, which is often quite good, especially during the high-speed chase scenes.  Too bad the rest of the movie is so slow moving and not very exciting.

It doesn’t help that Hunter isn’t much of hero.  Beck isn’t given much to do, except to ride around on a motorcycle while wearing a goofy helmet.  He isn’t bad or anything, it’s just that he gets lost in the shuffle of his own movie.  If anything, Warlords of the Twenty-First Century is just further proof that Beck isn’t much without someone like James Remar (or heck, even Olivia Newton-John for that matter) backing him up.  The flick also suffers from the oddly low key villain turn by Wainwright, who underplays the character’s wickedness a bit too much.

As far as motorcycle-themed post-apocalyptic action flicks go, I’d say you’re better off with something like Warrior of the Lost World than this dull, lethargic, and forgettable programmer.

AKA:  Battle Truck.

RULES DON’T APPLY (2016) *** ½

This was a big box office dud for Warren Beatty (bigger than Ishtar in some regards), but Rules Don’t Apply is a sweet and absolutely winning comedy drama that is anchored by some great performances.  The chemistry between Alden Ehrenreich and Lilly Collins, who play star-crossed lovers who both work for Howard Hughes, is genuine.  Ehrenreich in particular is excellent and I for one can’t wait to see how he’ll fair playing a young Han Solo.  

However, it’s the dynamite performance by Beatty as the eccentric Howard Hughes that dominates the film.  He is clearly having a blast playing the increasingly crazy billionaire.  Beatty gets a lot of mileage out of Hughes’ bizarre quirks and his antics are often fun to watch.  

Yes, the love triangle that develops between the three leads is predictable.  Yes, you can already probably guess how it all will turn out.  Still, the charm and wit in which Ehrenreich, Collins, and Beatty play their characters really resonates with the audience.  The supporting cast, which includes Martin Sheen, Annette Bening, and Matthew Broderick is also stellar.

Overall, Rules Don’t Apply is much more successful at capturing the nostalgia, glamour, and romanticism of the Golden Age of Hollywood than La-La Land.  While that film felt like it was pre-fabricated and homogenized, Beatty captures Tinsel Town in a much more interesting and captivating way.  Also, Collins’ title song is a heck of a lot better than the ones Emma Stone sang, that’s for sure.

BACK FROM THE DEAD AND READY TO PARTY

After dealing with various blogging problems, not to mention the recent death of my laptop, it seemed like The Video Vacuum was going to be yet another movie blog that unceremoniously bit the dust.  Fear not, VV fans, for like the mighty Phoenix, I’ve returned from the ashes to continue to review more celluloid masterpieces and disasterpieces.  Even though I was without a laptop for a few months, I kept up with the movie reviews, which I hope to post here and there until I eventually get caught up.  I hope you all will enjoy them.  Until then, you can still check out my old reviews from LiveJournal here: http://thevideovacuum.livejournal.com/ and continue following me on Letterboxd (https://letterboxd.com/TheVideoVacuum/) and on Twitter (https://twitter.com/TheVideoVacuum).  Thanks to all the loyal fans of the Vacuum for your unending support.

See you at the movies,

Mitch

NEWS AND NOTES

Hey everyone. I guess you can tell I haven’t been around a lot as of late.  I’ve had some problems with LiveJournal lately and to make a long story short, I packed up my bags and went to Blogger for a spell.  I didn’t really like that all that much either, so as of now, I’m kinda in between blogs until I figure out what I want to do.  In the meantime, I’m going to dust off my old Letterboxd account and use that as my temporary home for my reviews.  So if you want to see what I’m up to nowadays, you can find me here:  https://letterboxd.com/thevideovacuum/

SUICIDEGIRLS: THE RELAUNCH (2015) ** ½

Although the SuicideGirls movies are never all that great, I still continue to check them out, mostly because they remind me of those old Centerfold shoots you’d use to see on The Playboy Channel (except with a lot more tattoos and piercings).  There’s something to be said for a film franchise that is nothing more than a series of interludes where women disrobe in front of the camera, occasionally interrupted by dull getting-to-know-you shit.  This isn’t the greatest SuicideGirls flick, but it is the latest, so that counts for something.

The whole “premise” (and I use that term loosely) is that the SuicideGirls website has become old and outdated.  Because of that, the people in charge want to relaunch the website.  In order to do so, they have to come up with a lot of new content.  That’s where the endless scenes of tattooed trollops disrobing come in.

The stripping scenes themselves are hit-and-miss.  The good news is that even if there is a sequence that doesn’t work, there’s another one nipping close behind.  The best sequence features Quinne, a busty babe who does a poolside striptease while all her friends chill out in the background.  She definitely has a way with the camera and her coy innocence is a nice compliment to her overabundance of tattoos.  I also dug the scene of two bikini babes having a topless water gun fight.  Some of the music during the stripteases is a tad annoying, but hey, that’s why the MUTE button was invented.

I could’ve done without all scenes of the girls brainstorming new ideas for photo shoots, publicity stunts, and merchandising.  Many of these scenes feel phony and and/or over-rehearsed.  Since they’re nothing more than filler, these interludes make for a perfect place to go get a sandwich, grab a beer, or fold some laundry.  Trust me, you won’t miss anything.

THE RAGE OF WIND (1973) **

During the Japanese occupation of China, there is an increased tax on the local fisherman, which causes much strife.  The Japanese also go around beating the tar out of hapless fisherman, just to throw their weight around.  Chen (Shanghai Massacre) Sing is a Chinese boxer who returns to his home in China with his Caucasian bride in tow.  He killed a guy in the ring back in America, so he vows never to use his fists again.  If you can’t already predict, the Japanese push him to his limit until he breaks his promise and starts kicking ass again.

The Rage of Wind isn’t bad, but it suffers from some considerable lulls in the action.  Most of the lulls are devoted to showing how bad the Japanese were.  They’re pretty much assholes in this.  They hassle random passersby and hang up dead people as a warning to others.  These sequences are necessary I suppose.  However, they do have a tendency to get repetitive after a while.

Once Chen finally says enough is enough, the action is decent, although it’s really nothing out of the ordinary.  The finale where he fights the villain on the beach and does some Steven Seagal moves while waves crash in the background is OK, but it’s just a day late and a dollar short. 
 

The plot is standard issue and the fights are mostly unmemorable.  What is memorable is the music score.  And by “music score”, I mean that they just steal Isaac Hayes’ music from Shaft at inappropriate times.  Sadly, they don’t use any of the vocals.  If there was a part where Hayes sang, “They say this cat Chen is one bad mother…” it might have been all worthwhile.  Alas, it was not to be.

SWISS ARMY MAN (2016) * ½

 

 

I had no idea that The Beach Boys biopic Love and Mercy was part of the Harry Potter Extended Universe.  It seems like an unlikely pairing, but you know me.  I’ll watch just about anything.  Since everyone was falling all over themselves to praise Swiss Army Man, I thought I’d check it out. 

I wish Harry Potter could cast a spell on me so I’ll forget I even saw it.

This is the story of how Brian Wilson got shipwrecked and became the original Beach Boy.  One day while in the midst of a suicide attempt, he decides to befriend the bloated, farting corpse of Harry Potter.  Desperate for company, he keeps the dead wizard around and at various times uses him as a jet ski, a water fountain, a razor, and a projectile gun to kill small animals. 

 

I know what you’re thinking.  There is no way a corpse can do all of that.  However, since this is Harry Potter’s corpse, it can do magic and shit.

The premise is unlikely, but there are stretches where it works.  The early scenes are full of promise and there are a handful of funny scenes.  Most of it goes out the window once Harry Potter’s dead body inexplicably starts talking. 

All of this seems more like a calculated oddity than the genuine article.  Take for instance the scene where Harry Potter gets a magic boner that takes on a life of its own.  Even the King of Filth, John Waters would’ve probably written this scene out because it’s just too dumb.  Or the scene in which Brian Wilson dresses up in drag to teach the corpse about dating. 

The ending may come as a surprise to some people.  I had it figured out pretty early on.  I mean in Love and Mercy we learned that Brian Wilson had a long history of mental illness.  All this movie does is confirms just how far gone he really was.

I’m not sure how this all fits into the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them series.  Or maybe this is in fact secretly The Deathly Hollows Part 3.  I guess you’d have to find someone at a Harry Potter convention to get an answer to that one.