TRAILER TRAUMA PART 4: TELEVISION TRAUMA (2017) ****

Garagehouse Pictures’ Trailer Trauma 3:  80s Horrorthon was the be-all end-all horror trailer compilation.  Clocking in at almost eight hours, it was a mindboggling collection of some of the best horror trailers the ‘80s had to offer.  Now the folks at Garagehouse are faced with a dilemma:  What to do for an encore?  How can one top the biggest trailer compilation of all time?

The answer is simple.  You go smaller.  A lot smaller.  

That’s right, Trailer Trauma Part 4:  Television Trauma is a collection of TV spots for some of the best exploitation movies known to man.  Most of the spots are only about a minute long (many are only thirty seconds), so the exploitation goodness comes at you fast and furious.  All your favorite genres are covered.  It begins with a lot of ads for Roger Corman’s New World films (everything from Women in Prison to Naughty Nurses) before heading into Italian horror (there are a lot of Dario Argento and Mario Bava titles), Godzilla movies, Kung Fu flicks, softcore comedies, and American horror.  

Many of your favorite films are here including The Toolbox Murders, Doctor Butcher M.D., and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  There’s also enough oddball curios and hard-to-find rarities (The Cremators, Big Zapper, and Summer Camp) mixed in throughout the collection.  The various rerelease trailers are also a lot of fun and it’s neat to see how they were often repackaged for double features (like the ones for Phantasm).  Among the entertaining double feature trailers are The Velvet Vampire/Scream of the Demon Lover, Beyond the Door 2/The Dark, and Curse of the Headless Horseman/Carnival Blood.  

The disc is an interesting reminder of what was deemed appropriate for television during the ‘70s and ‘80s.  Since the previews were all meant for television, they don’t feature any nudity, but they do contain grisly gory images that wouldn’t fly today.  Also note how various curse words are bleeped out while the N-Word is tossed around quite freely.  

I can’t say Television Trauma is as exhaustive and complete as its predecessor.  Speaking as a connoisseur of trailer compilations, I can say that using strictly television spots was a stroke of genius.  I can’t wait to see what they have up their sleeve for their next edition.

SEOUL STATION (2016) ***

I dug Yeon Sang-ho’s Train to Busan, so I decided to check out his animated prequel.  I’m usually not much for these anime things, but Seoul Station went down surprisingly smooth.  The realistic animation style was a big plus.  If they tried to stylize the zombie attacks and scenes of mass carnage, it wouldn’t have worked.  Doing it this way heightens the suspense.  Yes, parts of this are suspenseful.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a suspenseful cartoon.  That alone should be enough of a recommendation.

It begins innocently enough with a sick old homeless man.  Before long, he turns into a zombie and bites several other people, which spreads the zombie virus throughout the city.  During the chaos, a concerned man, desperately looking for his prostitute daughter, joins forces with her nerdy pimp to find her.

Train to Busan had an interesting class struggle in the midst of the zombie apocalypse.  Seoul Station’s metaphor is a bit more on-the-nose, but that’s kind of what makes it work.  (You can get away with symbolism and shit when you’re making a cartoon.)  Since the first survivors of the zombie plague are either homeless or prostitutes, they aren’t believed by the middle-class authority figures in charge.  Even when it becomes apparent what is going on, they aren’t trusted because of their low-ranking social status.

My only gripe is that the zombie stuff is a bit too dry.  Most of the attacks leave people with nothing more than a bite mark or two.  It really needed some juicy gore to put it over the top.  Other than that minor reservation, this is probably the best zombie cartoon I’ve ever seen.

LADY BIRD (2017) *** ½

I’d watch just about anything Greta Gerwig was in.  It’s only fitting that I’d also see this too, her solo directing debut, even though she doesn’t appear in it.  As far as teenage coming of age stories go, this is one of the best in recent memory.

Christine (Saoirse Ronan) is a plucky teenage girl who attends Catholic School and insists on being called “Lady Bird”.  As she swims back and forth between social statuses at school, she tries to decide where to go to college.  Her mother (Laurie Metcalf) thinks she should hedge her bets and go to a local college, but Lady Bird, longing to leave Sacramento, secretly applies to some New York schools in hopes of escaping her hometown and eventually finding herself.

I can’t be sure about how much of the film is autobiographical for Gerwig (one look at her IMDB profile and you can spot some definite similarities), but Ronan captures a few of her mannerisms and the rhythm of her speech rather closely.  She does a terrific job at creating a realistic, flawed human character, and not a tired, cliched one that you’d see in most of these things.  Part of that is a testament to Gerwig’s writing, which is often hilarious.  (The awkward school assembly scene is the highpoint of the movie and is the best awkward school assembly scene since Donnie Darko.)  She also has a knack for painting vignettes of hometown life that are universal.  I’m sure there are a few scenes here that will hit close to home with many viewers, and it’s that pang of recognition that makes the film work.

The supporting performances are equally stellar.  You can probably start up the Oscar buzz for Metcalf as Lady Bird’s nagging (but sometimes, rightfully so) mother.  The scenes of her dishing out the tough love to Lady Bird will probably ring true for parents and children alike.  Tracy Letts does a great job as the Good Cop parent who always has a kind word or at least a few bucks for his daughter, even if he’s financially (and emotionally) struggling.  Manchester by the Sea’s Lucas Hedges delivers another realistic, three-dimensional performance as Lady Bird’s first love.

Gerwig hews a little too close to the usual teenage high school movie formula in some scenes.  There aren’t many surprising revelations here, but then again, this is coming from (someone who grudgingly refers to himself as) a grown-up.  I’ve already lived through this shit.  For the younger viewers out there, Lady Bird will assuredly hit home for them.  I’m sure a lot of likeminded teenage girls will see a little bit of themselves in the title character.

THE COMEBACK (1979) * ½

Jack Jones (the guy who sang “The Love Boat” theme) stars as an American musician who moves into an English mansion to work on his first record in six years.  In the mansion late at night he hears crying, then later, screaming.  Soon enough, he’s checking himself in to a mental hospital for exhaustion.  He’s not crazy though because someone wearing an old hag mask has been busy killing off his closest friends and family.  Naturally, they’re saving old Jackie boy for last.

Much of the suspense revolves around whether Jones is crazy or not.  I’d say a third of his time is spent worrying if his latest record's going to be a hit.  With his singing, I think it’s safe to say that it just isn’t in the cards.  Unless Lawrence Welk is hiring, I don't think his he’ll make his titular comeback. 

Director Pete Walker has a knack for taking a thin premise and stretching it to the breaking point.  With The Comeback, he takes something that wouldn’t have even cut it on an hour-long Hammer House of Horror and milks it for an ungodly one-hundred minutes.  I’ll say this for him:  He kicks things off with a rather gory murder sequence right at the beginning.  The problem is you’ve got to wait another hour for anything comparable to happen. 

Jones might be famous for singing “The Love Boat”, but a leading man he is not.  He just doesn’t have the charisma necessary to carry an entire movie.  Heck, Christopher Lee would have a hard time carrying this dog.

The supporting cast is pretty good though.  David (Bosley from Charlie’s Angels) Doyle does a fine job as Jones’ harried manager.  Superman 3’s Pamela Stephenson is quite fetching as Jones’ secretary/love interest.  It was also nice seeing Sheila Keith from Walker’s Frightmare turning up as the crotchety housekeeper.  Ultimately, none of them can save the movie, but they certainly give it their best shot.

AKA:  Hallucinations.  AKA:  Encore.  AKA:  The Day the Screaming Stopped.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: FRIGHTMARE (1975) ** ½

To avoid confusion with 1983's Frightmare (which starred Ferdy Mayne), Pete Walker’s Frightmare was retitled Frightmare 2 when it first hit video in the ‘80s, even though it had nothing to do with that film, not to mention the fact that it was made BEFORE it.  As someone who’s sat through plenty of Pete Walker movies in his time, I was prepared for the worst.  I’m happy to say that Frightmare might very well be his best, even if it isn’t really all that great.

A married couple are found guilty of cannibalism and are committed to an insane asylum.  Years later, the court releases them, and their daughter Jackie (Deborah Fairfax) makes secret frequent visits to their home in an effort to keep them sane.  Meanwhile, her younger sister (Kim Butcher) has no idea they’re still alive.  While she runs wild as part of her boyfriend’s biker gang, Jackie’s well-meaning (but doomed) boyfriend (Paul Greenwood) tries to help the family and winds up becoming a hot lunch.

Walker has a knack for taking the simplest of plots and making them more laborious than necessary.  Frightmare is no exception, but it’s made tolerable thanks to the solid performances.  Fairfax is especially great as the sister torn between condoning cannibalism and embracing a normal life.  It’s Sheila Keith who steals the movie though as the cannibalistic senior citizen.

Keith dispatches her victims in a variety of ways.  From power drill, to red-hot poker, to pitchfork.  It’s just a shame that Walker takes almost forever to get to the good stuff.  There are still a number of effective sequences here.  You just wish that Walker hadn’t been trying to be so damned proper and respectable.  If he was willing to let his hair down and allow things to get a little nasty, Walker might've had a minor classic on his hands.  As it is, Frightmare remains a moderately effective, if a bit staid chiller. 

AKA:  Cover Up.  AKA:  Once Upon a Frightmare.  AKA:  Frightmare 2.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE FLESH AND BLOOD SHOW (1974) **

Here’s another dull Pete Walker offering.  At least this one has a little bit of skin and a touch of atmosphere.  The opening title card says the end of the film was filmed in 3-D.  (Walker previously did The Four Dimensions of Greta using the same format.)  Unfortunately, I only saw it in 2-D.

A pair of horror actresses get roles in a play called The Flesh and Blood Show at a previously abandoned theater on a pier.  To save on lodging, the cast sleep inside the theater at night.  Predictably, someone starts bumping off the cast members.  

Walker gets some mileage out of the creepy setting.  The scenes of people walking through the corridors of the darkened theater are moderately suspenseful.  Most times though, there’s never really much of a payoff.  The pacing tends to dawdle and the tension sputters out towards the end, which is exactly when it should be heating up.  It also takes a while for the bodies to pile up and even then, it’s not much of a body count.

At least there’s plenty of skin to go around.  There’s definitely more flesh than blood on display here.  Some will be happy with that ratio while others may feel shortchanged.  

The killer gets the best line of the movie during his Shakespearean rant where he vents about his disdain for his victims and calls them, “EXCREMENT!” 

DIE SCREAMING MARIANNE (1971) *

Director Pete Walker’s Die Screaming Marianne starts off with a great opening title sequence that looks like something out of a James Bond knockoff.  Susan (Straw Dogs) George go-go dances wildly in front of a blood red background, flailing her arms around admirably.  Sadly, it’s all downhill from there.

George is on the run from her scheming father, a crooked judge.  She gets picked up hitchhiking by a helpful motorist who almost immediately proposes to her.  George accepts, but she soon runs off (again) and shacks up with his best friend.  This gets her groom so mad that he teams up with George’s father to get force her to return home so they can wriggle a hefty inheritance out of her.

Die Screaming Marianne is a slow moving and monotonous affair.  Although it was sold as a horror movie, nothing remotely horrific happens.  The family strife and double crossing is dull, and the pacing is painfully slow.  The title is a rip-off too because Marianne doesn’t die.  In fact, I don’t ever remember hearing her scream either.

Walker tries to bring some exploitation elements into the film, but he seems too prudish to really rock the boat.  The sex scenes are all very tame, and there’s an incestual angle that never pays off either.  Despite the great opening, that’s about as naked as George gets.  I’m not saying she had to get naked, of course, but if she did, it might’ve given this damned movie a reason to exist.

AKA:  Die Beautiful Marianne.