NO MORE DIRTY DEALS (1993) * ½

Taimak (Bruce Leroy from The Last Dragon) hires a mechanic (the hilariously named Von Von Lindenberg) to soup up his motorboat.  (“I’ll make your boat go so fast, you’ll be whistling out your ass!”)  Von Von is jealous that Taimak lives in a mansion and has plenty of sunbathing women in bikinis at his disposal.  Von Von quickly gets so swept up in Taimak’s world of excess (which includes a romp with a stripper named Tequila) that he fails to realize he’s in fact a ruthless criminal.

No More Dirty Deals is one of those movies where an average Joe gets lured by money and beautiful women into a life of crime.  This sort of thing could’ve worked had Taimak’s world of luxury actually seemed intriguing.  Unless you have an unnatural affinity for speedboats, it’s hardly what I’d call tempting.  The sunbathing bikini babes and strippers aren’t THAT hot either.  David Jean Schweitzer’s direction is amateurish at best and there isn’t enough violence and T & A here to make up for the shoddy craftsmanship.  The action is sparse, and the finale is pretty weak too.

That said, there aren’t that many Taimak vehicles out there, so you’ve got to take what you can get.

Taimak isn’t bad in the scenes where he’s living up the glamorous life in his swanky mansion.  However, he just isn’t very convincing when he makes the switch over to maniacal crime lord in the second half of the picture.  (There are some moments where he seems to be channeling Rockwell in the “Somebody’s Watching Me” music video.)  Luckily, Von Von gives a decent performance as the poor dope who gets in way over his head.

You can sense the Miami Vice influence here.  There are a LOT of scenes of rich guys driving speedboats while rock music blares on the soundtrack.  If you can struggle past them, you might enjoy it.  

Speaking of music, the songs were provided by a band called “Stranger” and they aren’t bad.  (They sound like a bluesy version of AC/DC.)  I’m sure with a better movie behind them, they could’ve gone places.  Stranger (and Taimak) deserves better.

DANGEROUS OBSESSION (1990) ***

Brian (Dream On) Benben stars as a wisecracking Jewish private detective who listens to doo-wop and still lives with his parents.  He gets hired to investigate the death of a druggie evangelist and winds up falling in love with the head minister’s daughter (Debrah Farentino).  It seems that everyone who sleeps with her turns up dead.  Will Benben be next?

Dangerous Obsession simultaneously plays like a spoof of private eye movies and a goofy version of an erotic thriller.  It doesn’t do either of those things particularly well, but it remains watchable thanks to Benben’s entertaining performance.  His twitchy, wisecracking antics are reminiscent of Dustin Hoffman and he gets most of his laughs just from reaction shots.  He also has a lot of oddball quirks (like having a slot machine mounted to the dashboard of his car) that make him likeable.

The plot is interesting since it features a Jewish detective investigating a Catholic ministry.  Even though he’s been hired by the head of the church, he still is very much an unwanted outsider.  It’s a unique wrinkle that you wish had been explored a little deeper.  

There’s no telling if Dangerous Obsession would’ve been a classic private eye movie had it decided to play things straight.  It was released by Troma and there are moments that make it definitely feel like one of their films.  All I know is that that there are scenes here that you just won’t find in your average gumshoe flick.  I mean the part where Benben is tempted into a church by a topless femme fatale who holds him at gunpoint while a slob menaces him with a chainsaw just has to be seen to be believed.  

Chinatown it is not, but it is certainly a lot of fun.

AKA:  Mortal Sins.  AKA:  Divine Obsession.  AKA:  God’s Payroll.

THE LAST MOVIE STAR (2018) ****

Burt Reynolds famously appeared naked in the pages of Cosmopolitan, but his performance in The Last Movie Star might be the most naked he’s ever been.  He bares his soul in this film.  Although Burt may have argued he was more of a “star” than an “actor”, his performance here proves otherwise.  In a career full of wonderful performances, this ranks right up there with his best stuff. 

Burt plays an old movie star named Vic Edwards who gets an invitation to go to Nashville to pick up a lifetime achievement award.  When he gets there, he is dismayed to learn it’s nothing more than a bunch of hipster film buffs showing movies in the back room of a saloon.  He promptly gets drunk and tells everyone off before retreating to his hotel room.  The next day, he orders his driver Lil (Ariel Winter) to take him to the airport.  On the way there, he asks her to drive past his old neighborhood, so he can see the house he grew up in.  

Thus begins Vic’s journey of self-discovery.  Along the way, he comes to terms with his past, accepts his present, and learns to be hopeful for the future.  He even manages to impart some life lessons to Lil, who goes from seeing him as “some creepy old dude” to a sort of father figure and mentor.

The Last Movie Star was written and directed by Adam Rifkin as a love letter to Burt.  He’s stated that if Burt turned him down, he’d refuse to make the movie.  That makes sense, but I also think that only Rifkin could’ve told this particular story.  After all, we’re talking about the man who made The Chase, the closest anyone has ever come to replicating the feel and fun of Smokey and the Bandit.

Your enjoyment of The Last Movie Star may depend largely on how much baggage you bring into it.  If you’re only a casual Burt Reynolds fan, you might find it to be a pleasant dramedy.  If you’re like me and worship at the altar of all things Burt, it will be a heartbreaking, devastating, exhilarating, and reaffirming experience.  That’s because Burt is mostly playing a thinly veiled version of himself.  When he is pouring his soul out about lost loves, career failures, and past regrets, he could just as easily be talking about himself.  Because of that, the film largely has a documentary vibe to it.  Rifkin’s style is unobtrusive, and the more personal moments feel more spontaneous than scripted.

The scenes of Reynolds and his buddy, played by Chevy Chase have a loose, off-the-cuff feeling about them.  They are so good together than you’ll wonder why someone didn’t think to put them in a movie sooner.  The heart of the film belongs to Burt and Ariel Winter.  They make for a mismatched team on the surface, but their chemistry together is truly something special.  Burt’s had a lot of memorable leading ladies over the years and Winter holds her own with the best of them.  There’s a scene where she rattles off a never-ending list of prescriptions she’s taken for depression while Burt patiently listens that is really touching.  

The standout moments come when Burt is transported into scenes from his two biggest hits, Smokey and the Bandit and Deliverance.  He tries to give his younger self advice (he tells the Bandit, “Slow down!”), although he’s fully aware that it’ll do no good.  Not only are these scenes fun to watch if you’re a Burt fan, it deftly does two things simultaneously:  It allows Burt to make peace with his past while reminding the audience of just how earthshattering a phenomenon he was back in the ‘70s.

Throughout the movie, Burt is unafraid to show his age.  He uses a cane and walks with a stoop.  He speaks a little slower, and his movements are often fragile (and sometimes painful to watch).  However, the old Burt is still there, razor sharp as ever.  The putdowns he makes under his breath are hilarious.  On the outset, The Last Movie Star seems like it’s about Burt saying goodbye.  By the end, we realize it’s a statement that he still has plenty left in the tank.

AKA:  Dog Years.

NEVER BACK DOWN 2: THE BEATDOWN (2011) ***

Michael Jai White stars in this DTV sequel that manages to be superior to the original in every single way.  Not only it is a terrific vehicle for White (who also directed), it has a genuinely involving story that focuses on several likeable characters.  By the time they all fight in the titular Beatdown, you’re not even sure who to root for.

White stars as Case, an ex-con MMA fighter who trains a handful of college-aged students.  A savvy promoter (Evan Peters, one of the only returning actors from the original) puts together an indie fight card that will be broadcast on the net.  Case’s students, who all have their own reasons for fighting, enter the tournament, train together, and learn to grudgingly respect one another.

What makes Never Back Down 2 so great is that we follow a handful of different characters who slowly grow on us over time.  Each fighter is on their own distinct path and bring different levels of emotional baggage into the octagon with them.  (One guy is dealing with the fact his father is gay, another is trying to make enough money so his mom can stop stripping, etc.)  In most of these things, we only follow the hero and the villain.  This little tweak on the usual formula makes the film unique and the fact that they all train together as a unit gives it a different flavor too.

The young cast members (some of which are actual MMA stars) are all strong, but the movie really belongs to White.  He centers the film and brings all the characters together, imparting wisdom with genuine heart, and kicking ass with authority.  He’s particularly good in the scenes where he deals with cops who perpetually harass him.  This is one of his best performances of all time.  White also does a fantastic job in the director’s chair.  He showcases all the fights and training montages with flair and doesn’t resort to the cheap camerawork and quick-cut editing that hampers most DTV action sequels.

If there is a problem, it’s with Chris Hauty’s script.  (He also wrote the first film.)  The way one character goes from being an awkward social outcast to a scenery-chewing villain in the third act is a bit cheesy, not to mention unbelievable.  Other than that, Never Back Down 2:  The Beatdown is proof that DTV sequels can outshine their theatrically-released, bigger-budgeted progenitors.  

AKA:  The Fighters:  Beatdown.

KUNG FU YOGA (2017) **

Kung Fu Yoga shows us a more mature side of Jackie Chan.  For starters, his character is named “Jack” Chan”, which sounds a lot more grown-up and adult.  Another sign of maturity:  He’s not afraid to play his age.  When Chan practices on a wooden man, he appears winded after the workout.  (Although he’s still juvenile enough to be seen with cartoonish spots over his head afterwards.)

Jackie… err… Jack is an archeologist who has invented a new spray that can immediately restore any ancient artifact.  A beautiful woman brings him an old treasure map to be restored.  Together, they discover the location of a lost treasure and go on an expedition to find it.  En route, they come face to face with a rival treasure hunter who wants to take it all for himself.

The opening sequence is a bizarre flashback involving Chinese and Indian warriors battling on a cheesy CGI battlefield.  The effects are really bad throughout the scene, which at times makes it look like a crappy video game.  Since it all leads up to a herd of elephants being knocked over like a bunch of dominos, I guess it’s okay.

Kung Fu Yoga was directed by the great Stanley Tong, who’s directed some of Chan’s best stuff.  Although there are flashes of their old school brilliance here, there’s not quite enough to make the film worthwhile.  We get an OK car chase that starts off just fine but is undermined by a comic relief puking CGI lion.  Tong also gives us an Indian bazaar scene that involves magic ropes and sword swallowers that was done much better in Octopussy. 

I will say that the movie gets better as it goes along.  The scene where Chan’s assistants have to contend with some CGI hyenas works surprisingly well and the finale is solid.  I could've done without the Bollywood dance number at the end though (which I guess was to be expected since most of the action takes place in India).  Unfortunately, we don’t get any of Chan’s patented outtakes during the end credits, which is disappointing. 

SKYLINE (2010) **

I’m planning on watching Beyond Skyline in the near future, mostly because Iko Uwais is in it.  I don't want to be completely lost when that time comes, so I watched Skyline to get myself up to speed.  Sigh… the things I do for Iko Uwais.

I initially didn't want to see this because The Brothers Strause directed it.  If you don’t remember (and I wish I could), they’re the duo who directed the abysmal Alien vs. Predator:  Requiem.  Fortunately for me, Skyline is a heck of a lot better that that flick, although that's not saying much. 

Eric (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake) Balfour goes to visit his friend (Donald Faison) in L.A.  with his girlfriend (Scottie Thompson) in tow.  That night, blue lights rain down on the city and it doesn’t take the group long to realize they're in the midst of an alien invasion.  They do their best to survive as the aliens fly around and try to take over their minds and bodies.

Skyline plays sort of like a west coast version of War of the Worlds.  That’s right.  You guessed it.  This is another one of those Hide-from-the-Blue-Glowing-Tentacle-Alien-Robot movie. 

Most of the action is confined to one building which helps conceal the tiny budget.  I also liked that Faison’s character has two girlfriends and no one makes a big deal about their polyamorous relationship.  That’s about the only novel touch though. 

All of this is watchable, although it’s never engrossing.  You’ve seen it all before, and done better, I might add.  The aliens themselves are competently done, but like the movie itself, they’re derivative and forgettable. 

The Strause Brothers are in the FX business, so we know they have a handle the alien stuff.  When it comes to the characters, they pretty much drop the ball.  At least they’re more likable than the ones found in AVP:  R.  Then again, that covers just about every other movie on the planet.  

READY PLAYER ONE (2018) ****

Ready Player One sounds like it can’t miss, but properly making it come alive on screen is infinitely trickier than you’d think.  Only someone with the gifted touch of Steven Spielberg could’ve pulled it off.  What’s intriguing about the film is that it features only a handful of Spielberg’s directorial touches as his style is largely invisible throughout most of the movie.  Instead, he just lets his imagination loose and invites the audience along for the ride.

In the near future, most of the world’s population is plugged into the Oasis, a Virtual Reality simulator.  Its creator (Mark Rylance) has placed three Easter Eggs in the game and players spend most of their time trying to find them.  Wade (Tye Sheridan) is a loner who thinks he has a line on at least one of the Eggs.  The evil CEO of tech conglomerate (Ben Mendelsohn) wants the Eggs for himself and will stop at nothing to get them.

Based on the novel by Ernie Cline, Ready Player One relies heavily on pop culture nostalgia and video game references.  Even if Spielberg wasn’t able to secure the rights to the scores of characters that pop up in cameos during the games, it would’ve still been a treat.  Having them all fighting side by side is just the icing on the cake.  

I could make a running list of cameos, but I would not dream of spoiling the fun.  Imagine Who Framed Roger Rabbit combined with The LEGO Movie and that should give you an idea of how the various characters are integrated into the narrative.  Some are relegated to mere background players.  Others get jaw-dropping, fist-pumping, and/or standing-ovation-worthy moments to shine.  

This is guaranteed to be the most freeze-framed movie of all time once it hits home video.  The massive battle scenes feature hundreds of your favorite characters from video games, movies, and TV shows.  I watched it once and enjoyed it for the acting, plot, and sheer spectacle of it all.  Now I want to go back and just spot all the cameos lurking in the background.

The young cast is great, but the credit really goes to Mendelsohn for his turn as the slimy corporate villain.  He gives off a distinct Paul Gleason vibe and it’s a wonder they just didn’t use him for Mendelsohn’s avatar within the Oasis.  Without a formidable flesh and blood menace in the “real” world, the stuff inside the Oasis wouldn’t mean nearly as much.

Spielberg has made a lot of “grown-up” movies lately.  This one finds him back in his wheelhouse doing what he does best.  Even though he’s getting up there in age, this very much feels like a young man’s movie, and I’m not saying that because of all the pop culture stuff.  There are sequences here that crackle like some of his earliest, best stuff.  It is without a doubt one of the best films of the year.