BAD ASSES ON THE BAYOU (2015) ***

Everyone’s favorite geriatric Bad Asses, Danny Trejo and Danny Glover get an all-expenses paid vacation to Baton Rouge to see their friend Loni Love get married.  She gets kidnapped on the eve of her wedding and the police do a piss-poor job of finding her.  It’s then up to the two Bad Asses to go into action to bring her back.

The change of scenery is a nice touch.  Really, we don’t need an excuse to get Trejo and Glover back together again, but it works just as well as any.  Their chemistry is as effortless as ever and the duo get plenty of laughs while foiling bank robberies, busting up a titty bar, and beating the snot out of the bad guys.  

Like the previous entries in the Bad Ass saga, Bad Asses on the Bayou has a nice blend of humor and genuine emotion.  Trejo is equally effective sticking a redneck’s head into a deep fryer as he is imparting wisdom to Love’s bullied brother.  Glover once again steals many scenes out from under Trejo.  He’s almost as good with Trejo as he was with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies, which is about as big of a compliment as I can give.

John Amos was an inspired addition to the team.  He plays Love’s father who joins the Bad Asses in the final act to get his daughter back from the kidnappers.  The promise of another sequel featuring the trio is teased at the end and I earnestly hope it comes sooner rather than later.

What’s amazing about this series is its consistency.  I can’t call Bad Asses on the Bayou a classic or anything, but it’s just as good as the first two.  If writer/director Craig Moss can keep cranking them out, I’ll gladly keep watching them.

Trejo gets the best line of the movie when he narrowly lands an airplane and says, “Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines!”

AKA:  Bad Ass 3:  Bad Asses on the Bayou.

THE CONDEMNED 2 (2015) ***

I watched The Condemned just because it had Stone Cold Steve Austin in it, but from what I remember, it was rather terrible.  This sequel stars Randy Orton (son of Cowboy Bob), a wrestler who was kind of after my time.  Although I’m unfamiliar with his ring experience, he makes for a decent enough leading man for a WWE DTV action sequel.

Orton plays a bounty hunter whose anxious team accidentally kills their target (Wes Studi) during a raid.  He gets two years’ probation and tries to spend his time staying out of trouble.  Naturally, he is dumbfounded when his former team members try to kill him.  As it turns out, they are all pawns in a bad guy’s scheme to pit his friends against Orton while the rich and elite place wagers on who will live and who will die.

The Condemned was set on an island prison where prisoners fought to be the last man standing.  This one couldn’t afford to film on an island, so it just features a lot of scenes of guys fighting each other in the middle of the desert.  As it turns out, the simplified premise is to the movie’s benefit as it makes for a tighter structure.

I should’ve never doubted a movie directed by Roel (Hard Target 2, The Man with the Iron Fists 2, 12 Rounds 2, Death Race 2, The Marine 2) Reine and written by Alan B. (Halloween 4, Rapid Fire, Wrong Turn) McElroy.  Admittedly, some of this is threadbare and routine, but there was one at least one scene that stands as the most hilarious/awesome/you-can’t-make-this-shit-up scenes I’ve seen in some time.  When Orton’s buddy hunts him in the desert, there’s a shot of his foot making a footprint in the sand.  Then, Orton rises out of the desert floor to jump on the guy and attack him.  

Why is this scene so hilarious?  Let us first ask a few simple questions, like:  A) How did Orton cover himself up with dirt so quickly? B) How was he able to smooth out the dirt so it looked like an even surface? C) How did he know the guy who was tracking him would walk through that very exact spot? D) How could he miraculously not have a speck of dirt on him in the very next shot?  All I can say is I live for moments like this.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part: 

Eric Roberts as Orton’s dad.  Is it weird I got a little choked up when Eric Roberts reconciled with his estranged son by joining him to take down an illegal gambling operation by brandishing a grenade launcher and blowing up their hidden fortress?  This is simply one of the greatest displays of paternal affection in cinema history.  I wish Eric Roberts was my dad.  That Emma Roberts is a lucky girl. 

The thing that makes Roberts’ role so great is that it wasn’t one of those one-day shoots that he does for most DTV movies.  This is a fairly sizable role, offering him a meaty character that has a surprisingly emotional story arc.  This is without a doubt one of Roberts’ best performances in a while. 

Folks, I didn't know I needed a WWE DTV sequel with a grenade launcher-toting Eric Roberts in my life, but here we are.

RAMPAGE (2018) ***

The Rock plays a primatologist whose best friend is an albino ape named George.  When genetic material literally falls from the sky, George comes into contact with it and begins growing exponentially.  Pretty soon, a giant crocodile and a mutant wolf (who can also fly) begin stomping on Chicago and only The Rock can stop them.

Rampage is based on the old ‘80s video game, which of course was itself a throwback to King Kong vs. Godzilla (with a giant wolf thrown in for good measure).  As a fan of the game, I was a little dismayed that the monsters didn’t turn into naked humans when they were slain, but other than that, it’s a good enough interpretation.  The monsters climb buildings, eat people, and beat the crap out of each other.  If only it didn’t take so long to get around to the good stuff.

Like a Godzilla movie, you can’t judge Rampage for its sometimes-unnecessary dialogue scenes.  The cast infuses the film with a weird energy that prevents these scenes from getting too dull.  Jeffery Dean Morgan is a lot of fun as the shady government agent who’s a cowboy at heart.  Malin Akerman is a hoot as the evil corporate villain responsible for unleashing the monsters.  Resembling Cameron Diaz playing Cruella de Vil as an ‘80s yuppie, she chews the scenery as much as the monsters do.  (I also loved the fact that she kept the old Rampage arcade cabinet in her office.)

In addition to King Kong vs. Godzilla, the movie also slyly steals from Aliens (the scene where Joe Maganiello’s SWAT team gets taken down one by one by Ralph, the wolf), The Blob (the scene where George comes into contact with the serum), and Mission:  Impossible (the scene where The Rock escapes a crashing airplane).

The best moments come early on when The Rock cares for George.  The bond between the two is genuine and it gives the movie an unexpected emotional core.  It’s particularly funny when they bust each other’s balls via sign language.

The second act where Morgan mobilizes his men and the monsters make their way to Chicago is a bit pokey.  This stuff could’ve benefited from some tighter editing.  Once they reach the city, the gloves come off and the monster mashing is full of carnage, extensive destruction, and fun.

TAINTED (1998) ** ½

J.T. (Sean Farley, who also wrote the screenplay) is a video store manager who wants to see a midnight show of Blade Runner with his buddy Ryan (Greg James).  Their ride bails on them, so J.T. convinces his new employee, Alex (Dusan Chekvala) to give them a ride.  On the way to the theater, Alex’s car breaks down and he goes to his ex-girlfriend Adia (Tina Kapousis) for help.  They learn Alex is a vampire when some street thugs try to mug them.  He convinces them he’s just your average guy with no intention of harming humans unless they really deserve it.  When they arrive at Adia’s house, they discover her new boyfriend Slain (Jason Brouwer) is a vampire who’s scheming to taint the city’s blood supply with vampire blood.  The three friends then set out to stop him. 

As someone who’s seen a lot of low budget vampire horror comedies in their time, I can honestly say that you can do a lot worse than Tainted.  It’s very much a ‘90s time capsule, which makes it oddly endearing.  It was obviously influenced by Pulp Fiction, Clerks, and Swingers as the characters have long comic monologues filled with pop culture references and/or revolve around incidental sex and relationship humor.  Some of these monologues are long-winded and not especially funny.  Some are pointed, but too long and unpolished.  Many of them are right on the money and good for a few laughs.  While most of the actors are adept at delivering their monologues, Farley clearly saved the juiciest dialogue for himself.  He’s often very funny and his agitated delivery reminded me of Glenn Howerton from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  

The problem is that Tainted clocks in at one-hundred-and-five minutes.  There’s no real reason for it to be that long.  This could’ve been a breezy eighty-minute movie if director Brian Evans had been disciplined enough to whittle down some of the lesser monologues and endless scenes of the characters walking.  As it is, it’s not bad as far as overlong Troma releases go. 

Oh, and those sexy vampire girls on the cover are nowhere to be found in the movie itself.

HOUSE OF SHADOWS (1976) * ½

An orphan (Leonor Manso) goes looking for a lost dog and follows it to a creepy old mansion where she witnesses a murder.  As it turns out, the woman she saw has already been dead for twenty years.  She slowly becomes obsessed with her and begins to suspect she's been possessed by the dead woman’s spirit.

Most of House of Shadows is devoted to long scenes of our heroine walking around dark corridors with a flashlight as she investigates weird noises or looks for lost dogs.  If you can’t already guess, this gets tedious quickly.  The laborious, narrated flashbacks are even duller and pretty much stops the movie on a dime every time Manso delves back into the past.  

At least director Richard Wullicher delivers a fairly atmospheric opening sequence.  The climax, though predictable, also has a healthy dose of gothic doom and gloom.  Too bad everything in between is such a dreary, slow-moving, slog.  We do get a nifty scene in which a guy in a wheelchair is placed on a train track, but these murder set-pieces are too few and far between to save the movie.

Manso makes for an OK leading lady.  She certainly fares better as the present-day incarnation of the character than as her ancestral counterpart.  (She looks a bit lost in her period garb.)  Yvonne (The Munsters) De Carlo gets to chew the scenery a bit as Manso’s ward, although not as much as you’d probably expect.  John (Psycho) Gavin is also around as the boring love interest who isn’t given very much to do.

CODE NAME VENGEANCE (1989) **

A young prince and his mother are kidnapped by a terrorist (James Ryan).  America wants to protect her interests in the prince’s nation, so Don Gordon sends mercenary prisoner Robert Ginty on a rescue mission.  Along the way, he picks up his old mentor (Cameron Mitchell) to join the team as his explosives expert and together, they set out to rescue the prince.

Code Name Vengeance was directed by David Winters without any real sense of style.  The action scenes are plentiful and lots of stuff goes boom.  However, the staging of these sequences leaves a lot to be desired.  The pacing is also slow and sluggish, especially in the middle section of the film.  The script is painfully predictable too and you can spot every single plot twist coming from a mile away.  (Seriously, would YOU trust a mission masterminded by Don Gordon?)

The cast has all seen better days, but they’re the only real reason to watch it.  Ginty isn’t bad, and he escapes the flick with his dignity more or less intact.  It’s just unfortunate that the quality of the movie is closer to Warrior of the Lost World than The Exterminator.  He does get a good love scene with Shannon Tweed, who plays a sexy helicopter pilot.  Tweed looks great topless, but honestly, the film really needed one or two more of these scenes to make it worthwhile.  Mitchell provides some spark as the crusty old mentor, although his mildly amusing antics aren’t nearly enough to salvage the picture.

Winters and Mitchell teamed up the next year for the hilarious Space Mutiny.

AKA:  Code Name Hellfire.

BAD ASSES (2014) ***

Danny Trejo returns as the elderly ass-kicker, Bad Ass.  This time, he’s out to avenge the death of his young boxing protegee who was killed by a bunch of drug dealers.  Aiding him in his quest is a crotchety old liquor store owner and former hockey player (Danny Glover) who, despite his advanced age can still throw down.

The first Bad Ass had a distinct Death Wish type of vibe in its second half and Bad Asses picks up the baton nicely.  This is a rather straightforward revenge picture that gives Trejo plenty of moments to shine.  My favorite bit was when he tortured a college drug pusher (played by Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire!) by shoving an oscillating fan onto his nether regions and saying “Mazel Tov!”

The addition of Danny Glover was inspired and keeps this sequel from getting stale.  Some of the best scenes in the movie just contain the Two Dannys busting each other’s balls.  Glover has a lot of chemistry with Trejo and is often very funny.  Heck, he just about steals the whole movie from Trejo!  Glover without a doubt proves once again that he is definitely not getting too old for this shit.

The casting of the villain was inspired.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen Andrew Divoff in a major role, so it was good seeing him playing the slimy Argentinian villain.  I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want to see Danny Trejo square off against the Wishmaster?

Bad Asses also continues the tradition of using footage from another movie in its climax.  In this case, it’s Narrow Margin.  Most times when a film does this, it reeks of desperation, but somehow when the Bad Ass series does it, it comes off as weirdly endearing.

AKA:  Bad Ass 2:  Bad Asses.