TAINTED (1998) ** ½

J.T. (Sean Farley, who also wrote the screenplay) is a video store manager who wants to see a midnight show of Blade Runner with his buddy Ryan (Greg James).  Their ride bails on them, so J.T. convinces his new employee, Alex (Dusan Chekvala) to give them a ride.  On the way to the theater, Alex’s car breaks down and he goes to his ex-girlfriend Adia (Tina Kapousis) for help.  They learn Alex is a vampire when some street thugs try to mug them.  He convinces them he’s just your average guy with no intention of harming humans unless they really deserve it.  When they arrive at Adia’s house, they discover her new boyfriend Slain (Jason Brouwer) is a vampire who’s scheming to taint the city’s blood supply with vampire blood.  The three friends then set out to stop him. 

As someone who’s seen a lot of low budget vampire horror comedies in their time, I can honestly say that you can do a lot worse than Tainted.  It’s very much a ‘90s time capsule, which makes it oddly endearing.  It was obviously influenced by Pulp Fiction, Clerks, and Swingers as the characters have long comic monologues filled with pop culture references and/or revolve around incidental sex and relationship humor.  Some of these monologues are long-winded and not especially funny.  Some are pointed, but too long and unpolished.  Many of them are right on the money and good for a few laughs.  While most of the actors are adept at delivering their monologues, Farley clearly saved the juiciest dialogue for himself.  He’s often very funny and his agitated delivery reminded me of Glenn Howerton from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  

The problem is that Tainted clocks in at one-hundred-and-five minutes.  There’s no real reason for it to be that long.  This could’ve been a breezy eighty-minute movie if director Brian Evans had been disciplined enough to whittle down some of the lesser monologues and endless scenes of the characters walking.  As it is, it’s not bad as far as overlong Troma releases go. 

Oh, and those sexy vampire girls on the cover are nowhere to be found in the movie itself.