FLESH AND BULLETS (1985) ***

Flesh and Bullets was made by former pornographers and it shows.  The production is often cheap looking, the performances are uneven, and the music is funky.  That is to say, I had a pretty good time with it.

It’s basically Strangers on a Train, with healthy doses of sex.  Two divorced men meet in a casino bar (maybe it should’ve been called Strangers in a Casino) and commiserate with their shared experiences of being constantly hassled by their ex-wives for alimony.  They decide they should kill each other’s wife, that way there will be no suspicion cast upon them.  Complications ensue when they wind up hopping into bed (and consequentially falling in love) with the other man’s wife.

The set-up is briskly handled, and the unorthodox method of having multiple narrators, constant flashbacks, and unusual subplots (like the bank robbery opening) prevent things from becoming dull.  Of course, you could always call the narrative “clumsy” and/or “slipshod”, but when it winds up working despite itself, I like to call it “unorthodox”.  

I also got a kick out of seeing the guest stars Yvonne DeCarlo, Caesar Romero, Aldo Ray, and Cornel Wilde looking totally out of place.  I bet they filmed their scenes while on a coffee break from another movie.  DeCarlo and Romero are literally in it for a minute and I swear they shared the same costume.  (They both play judges.)  Ray and Wilde are in just two scenes, but their characters have no bearing on the plot, so it feels like they were only there for marquee value and to pad out the running time.

Robert Z’Dar shows up late in the game as a jealous boyfriend of one of the ex-wives.  It’s far and away the best performance of the movie.  You can also have fun spotting porn stars Sharon Kelly, Mai Lin (as a hooker who is so horny she gives it away for free), and William Margold turning up in small roles. 

AKA:  The Wife Contract.

HUNT FOR THE GOLDEN SCORPION (1991) * ½

An explorer (David Brandon) is almost assassinated in the Amazon jungle while looking for a valuable golden scorpion.  He gets word to his sister Mary (Christine Leigh) that he’s alright, and she heads on over to the jungle to find him.  Naturally, the bad guys immediately come after her, hoping she’ll lead them right to her brother.  She teams up with a rugged adventurer (Andy J. Forest) who agrees to help find her brother.

Hunt for the Golden Scorpion was director Umberto (Nightmare City) Lenzi’s next-to-last movie.  It’s a dull and lifeless jungle adventure that features none of the hallmarks of Lenzi’s best stuff.  A lot of the problem has to do with his listless handling of the dialogue scenes, all of which seem to drone on endlessly.  As you can probably imagine, all of this is about as much fun as an actual trek through the Amazon jungle. 

Halfway though, the film takes an odd turn and goes from being a jungle film to an all-out low-rent Exploding Hut action flick.  Lots of stuff goes boom in this section of the movie (which prevents it from being a total waste of time), but none of it is choreographed very well.  (At least the sound of gunfire and explosions will keep you from falling asleep.)  Had Lenzi upped the sleaze quotient a bit in this sequence, all of this might’ve been tolerable.  

Another debit is the cast of non-stars.  While they hit their marks and recite their lines without stumbling over them, none of them exude an iota of screen presence, chemistry, or charm.  Leigh is cute and all, but she’s no Bo Derek or anything.  

Some of the inane dialogue is good for a laugh.  I admit I chuckled when a reporter asked a noted explorer, “Do you do the Lambada?”, a reference that was already dated by the time this was released.  The best line of the movie comes when the base is under siege.  The villain calls the guard station and asks what’s going on.  Forest answers, “Nothing sir.  The men are just watching Rambo 3!"

WAR GODS OF BABYLON (1962) ***

King Sardanapalo (Howard Duff) conquers the city of Babylon and puts his baby-faced kid brother Shammash (Luciano Marin) in charge.  Mirra (Jocelyn Lane), a beautiful survivor of a nearby raid, is chosen to be Sammash’s servant girl and he falls madly in love with her.  However, she has eyes for his brother, which sparks a feud between them.

Jocelyn Lane is great in this movie.  With her long flowing crimson hair and pouty lips, she is reminiscent of Bardot, but has her own unique brand of sex appeal about her.  If it wasn’t for her beauty (not to mention her solid performance), the tension between the brothers would’ve been kind of blah.  Because she’s so gorgeous, you can see why two guys (brothers at that) would go to war over her.  The love triangle is surprisingly effective (each of her suitors are equally worthy of her affections), which gives the film a dramatic center that most Italian peplum lack.

Likewise, the crisp direction by Silvio (Amuck) Amadio helps prevent War Gods of Babylon from becoming a standard-issue sword and sandal flick.  The scale is larger than your average Hercules movie and the sets and costumes look great.  Amadio does an especially good job on the finale when Duff draws the wrath of the gods, who flood the city.  The effects in this sequence are better than expected.  Sometimes the scale of the water crashing down on the walls of the castle is a little off, but the shots of people drowning in their own beds are startlingly effective. 

The most memorable scene though is when the two brothers go on a lion hunt.  The part where the lion attacks them is hilarious.  It’s obviously just a guy in a dime store lion suit.  Later, when they bring the carcass home, it’s the same suit, just with no one in it.

Silly lion effects aside, the severed heads are well done (for the time, that is).  We also get an arrow to the eye and a gnarly death involving some spikes.  These little bits of gruesome business weren’t necessary, but they help make War Gods of Babylon a better than average toga-fest.

AKA:  Apocalypse Over Babylon.  AKA:  7th Thunderbolt.

ENTER THE PANTHER (1982) **

A drunk strikes it rich when he discovers gold in his mine.  Some evildoers get wind of this and murder him.  Then, they try to trick his daughter into signing over the deed to the mine.  Luckily for her, Bruce Li is there to fight off the bad guys and protect her family’s share of the gold.

Enter the Panther is your typical chopsocky affair for the most part.  The dubbing, cropping, and sound effects are all out of whack, although not to the point where it becomes humorous (which is a shame).  Bruce does what he can, but he’s stuck playing a cookie-cutter hero type role in a thoroughly ho-hum actioner.  There’s a subplot where he is tempted by the charms of the slutty bad girl who is in cahoots with the villain, but he of course leaves her in favor of the old drunk’s virginal daughter.  Had Li fallen for the charms of the trollop, it would’ve at least made for an interesting dynamic. 

The ending is novel though.  During the finale, Li must fight off the bad guy’s henchman in a cemetery to buy time for the town officials to exhume the body of the old drunk.  While he’s keeping them busy, the doctor performs an autopsy on the body to confirm if he was poisoned or not.  You certainly don't see that every day.  However, the action itself is nothing to write home about, and the rest of the film is sorely lacking the energy of the final reel.

AKA:  Conspiracy.

SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY (2018) ****

Solo:  A Star Wars Story arrives five months after The Last Jedi, a film that left Star Wars fans polarized.  (I happened to love it.)  Solo:  A Star Wars Story is having the same kind of effect.  One thing is for sure, whenever the whiny fanboys bitch about a Star Wars movie on social media, it means the filmmakers are doing something right.  Solo is leaps and bounds better than the previous “Star Wars Story”, Rogue One and retains plenty of elements that made the original trilogy so much fun while offering us something unique at the same time.

The film’s success lies on the shoulders of Alden Ehrenreich.  A lot has been made about Donald Glover’s interpretation of Lando, but for me, Ehrenreich was the whole show.  Glover does a phenomenal job, don’t get me wrong.  It’s just that Ehrenreich had the unenviable task of living up to Harrison Ford.  The reason he pulls it off so well is due largely to the fact that he refuses to do an imitation.  Sure, there are moments where he captures some of Ford’s mannerisms and or speech patterns, but he’s playing Han Solo, not Harrison Ford.  There’s enough of the character you enjoyed in the previous films on display here, yet lots of wriggle room for Ehrenreich to carve out his own niche.  Ehrenreich, who already showed a knack for standing out in ensemble pieces like Hail, Caesar and Rules Don’t Apply, likewise doesn’t get lost in the shuffle of the various aliens and special effects and commands your attention throughout the picture.

Part of the fun is seeing how screenwriters Lawrence and Jonathan Kasdan borrow tropes from westerns, war movies, and various other genres and graft them into the space setting.  Throughout the film, you’ll catch glimpses that may remind you of The Godfather 2, The Defiant Ones, Paths of Glory, and The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.  I mean, what can you say about a movie that starts off like Oliver Twist and ends like an episode of Maverick, other than, it’s awesome.

Yes, there are parts that are callbacks (callforwards?) to the original film.  However, like the cherrypicked genre moments, they are organically woven into the narrative in such a way that they don’t feel like gratuitous fan service (which is one of the problems I had with Rogue One).  There is at least one cameo that will make Star Wars fans stand up and cheer.  Whether or not Disney will follow through with giving this character a new storyline in coming films remains to be seen.  I'm just glad to know they’re still there lurking on the edges of the galaxy.

Ehrenreich has the right blend of cocky swagger and effortless cool the part requires.  He looks great standing next to a Wookie and is as quick with his wit as he is with a blaster.  I for one am on board for more solo Solo movies.  

I AM YOUR FATHER (2015) ** ½

I am Your Father is Toni Bestard and Marcos Cabota’s documentary on David Prowse.  He was an English bodybuilding champion who drew steady work in the Hammer horror films of the ‘70s, gained fame as the “Green Cross Man” in England, and had a memorable bit part in A Clockwork Orange.  In 1977, everything changed for Prowse when he became immortal for playing Darth Vader in Star Wars.

Prowse was always a bit miffed for not being able to provide the voice for Vader.  I mean, he though it wasn’t his voice in the finished product, he still had to memorize all his dialogue and deliver it on set.  That feeling was exacerbated six years later when George Lucas opted for a “classically trained” actor for Vader’s big unmasking scene in Return of the Jedi.

Prowse’s penchant for having loose lips to the press also caused friction between he and Lucas.  When Prowse allegedly blabbed they were killing off Vader, Lucasfilm effectively shunned him.  In the ensuing years, the still good-natured (for the most part) Prowse was reduced to playing the convention circuit, but was never invited to an official Star Wars con. 

The film is at its best when getting to know the man behind Vader’s mask.  It’s fun seeing Prowse hobnobbing with the likes of Lou Ferrigno and Jeremy Bulloch at conventions and hearing his family’s reaction to his fame.  It’s decidedly less effective when director Cabota worms his way into the spotlight.  I think the movie would’ve been just fine without all his on-camera fanboy gushing.  Who were you trying to make a documentary on?  Prowse or yourself?

I think it’s neat that Cabota tries to recreate the end of Jedi with Prowse in full makeup, giving him a chance to play the big scene he never got to do.  However, Lucasfilm blocks using the footage in the film.  So, what's the point?  The mock-up of Prowse in the Jedi burn makeup is cool, but since the finished scene isn’t in the documentary we can only imagine what Prowse’s acting would’ve been like.  Because of that, we never find out if he had the chops to pull the scene off (which is kind of the whole point); bringing us right back where we started.  It’s frustrating to say the least. 

WIZARDS OF THE DEMON SWORD (1991) **

Fred Olen Ray was a day late and a dollar short when he made this dumb barbarian comedy.  It was released (by Troma) well after the sword and sandal craze of the ‘80s had died down.  Fans of Ray’s work will find some sources of amusement here, but for the most part, Wizards of the Demon Sword fails to deliver in just about every department.

Ulric the Elder (Russ Tamblyn) is entrusted with a magic sword.  The evil Lord Khourda (Lyle Waggoner) imprisons Ulric with the intention of using the sword for his own devious purposes.  Ulric’s daughter (Heidi Paine), whose blood is the key to activating the sword, teams up with a rugged warrior named Thane (Blake Bahner) to rescue him. 

Wizards of the Demon Sword goes down a lot smoother if you refuse to take it seriously.  This movie contains some of the least convincing barbarian actors since Deathstalker 3.  Hoke (The Sidehackers) Howell is embarrassing as “The Seer of Roebuck” (get it?).  His phony beard and wig don’t do him any favors either.  Waggoner is woefully miscast as the villain.  Are we supposed to believe Wonder Woman’s boyfriend is an evil sorcerer?  I think not.  I also had a hard time buying Tamblyn as a wizard.  It was fun seeing Jay Richardson as Waggoner’s right-hand man, although he seems more like a Mafia henchman than a sorcerer’s assistant.  Michael Berryman is pretty good as a thief, but even though he’s featured prominently on the video box, he's only in it for like a minute.

I could excuse the dumb humor and anachronistic dialogue.  However, the awful sword fights and strange casting decisions ultimately sink it.  What can you say about a hero that’s so lame he's got to subcontract another hero to help him save the damsel in distress?

Of the cast, Lawrence Tierney fares best as a rascally slave trader.  The slave auction scene is far and away the best part of the entire film.  (Although the briefly seen stop-motion dinosaur effects are well done.)  It’s only in this sequence where Ray successfully blends the humor and barbarian genre clichés.  My favorite moment was when Tierney pulls off a slave girl’s top and says, “Take a look at that treasure chest!”