HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 3: SUMMER VACATION (2018) ***

It’s not as consistently amusing or as clever as the second film in the franchise, but Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation remains fun, lightweight entertainment.  My daughter, who is obsessed with monsters, said it was in her top five films of all time.  Because of that simple fact, it’s hard to be too critical of it.

Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation is just like the other films in the series, except on a boat.  It plays like a flip-flop of the original.  This time out, Dracula (the voice of Adam Sandler) is the one hiding a potential relationship with a human from his family.  The object of his affection:  A chipper cruise director (the voice of Kathryn Hahn) who just so happens to be a descendent of Dracula’s arch-nemesis, Van Helsing.

Some of the gags fall flat, but there are a couple of sequences that will leave you laughing.  I loved all the stuff with Blobby and his newfound son (and eventual dog).  The scene with the gremlins is the comedic highpoint though.  Although these guys don’t get a whole lot of screen time, they up and steal the movie.  I sincerely hope they get their own spin-off in the near future.

The stuff with Dracula and his daughter (the voice of Selena Gomez) is basically recycled material from previous entries.  I also wish Drac’s buddies like Frankenstein (the voice of Kevin James), The Wolf Man (the voice of Steve Buscemi), The Invisible Man (the voice of David Spade), and The Mummy (the voice of Keegan-Michael Key) had more to do.  That said, there’s enough chuckles here to keep your interest.  If you’re a monster-obsessed kid, you’ll probably add an extra star to the *** rating.

MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS (1996) *

Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders almost feels like a pilot for an unsold TV show.  If that was indeed the intention, it’s easy to see why it wasn’t picked up, what with its limited production vales and amateurish acting.  It contains two tales slapped together in such an incoherent way that it plays like two completely different episodes strung together.  

Merlin the wizard (George Milan) opens a store (that has trolls lurking nonchalantly in the background) in the big city.  One day, his shop is visited by Jonathan Cooper (John Terrence), a guy who reviews stores.  (If this whole movie reviewing thing goes belly up, maybe I can give reviewing stores a try.  Then again, this was made in the days before Yelp, which is pretty much the same thing.)  Cooper doesn’t believe Merlin is the real McCoy, so the wizard gives him his spell book.  Copper takes the book home and tries some spells.  Before long, he’s barbecuing his cat with magical fire breath.  As we all know, the more of Merlin’s magic you use, the older you get.  The fact that Cooper has an infertile wife helps tip-off the obvious and dumb conclusion. 

The second story is just an edited version of The Devil’s Gift.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s basically the Stephen King story, The Monkey done with a meager budget.  Since Merlin director Kenneth J. Merton also directed The Devil’s Gift, its inclusion here seems even more desperate.  The fact that The Devil’s Gift was made in 1984 is painfully obvious as the footage doesn’t match the insert shots of Merlin tracking the monkey down.  The Devil’s Gift was fucking awful to begin with and having it tacked on in such a clumsy manner adds to the overall pain levels.

Oh, and did I mention the whole thing is narrated by Ernest Borgnine?  

TRANCERS 5: SUDDEN DETH (1994) **

If you don’t count the long-winded recap of Trancers 4, or the opening and end credits, Trancers 5:  Sudden Deth only clocks in at about hour.  It feels much longer though.  There’s nothing sudden about this Deth.

Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is still trapped in another dimension, one that resembles our Medieval times.  This time out, he must go and retrieve the magical “Tiamond” the only thing that has the power to send him back to his own time.  Naturally, he must go to the “Castle of Unrelenting Terror” to find it.

The opening prologue is dull and gets the movie off to a rocky start.  It’s also plagued with wonky plot devices (the bad guy is resurrected out of a painting), cheap effects, and too many supporting characters that get in the way of Tim Thomerson doing his thing.  The Army of Darkness influence, which was hinted at in Part 4, is really prevalent in this installment.  Jack goes on a quest to find the only thing that can bring him back home, speaks present-day (or in his case, futuristic) slang to tell off an adversary, and faces off against an evil version of himself.  Thomerson does what he can, but other than seeing Deth ride a horse, there’s not a whole lot new for him to do.  

I know this was filmed back-to-back with 4, but there was barely enough worthwhile material here for one movie, let alone two.  Like all the films in the series, Trancers 5 has its moments (as when Deth inexplicably finds himself surrounded by beautiful women).  These fleeting bits of amusement aside, it’s definitely on the lower end of the Trancers scale.  

AKA:  Future Cop 5:  Sudden Deth.

WOLF DEVIL WOMAN (1982) *** ½

Wolf Devil Woman ranks right up there with Super Infra-Man for sheer bug nuts insanity.  It often feels like an entire season of a TV show edited down into one ninety-minute feature.  Stuff happens so fast that it will make your head spin and you never know what’s going to happen at any given moment.  That’s code for I loved every minute of it.

A couple are cornered by a guy in a bad Halloween costume at the top of a mountain.  To save their baby’s life and prevent themselves a shameful death, they stab each other with their swords and cause an avalanche by repeatedly banging their heads against the ice!  The baby gets swept away by the snow and she is eventually found by a pack of wolves that raise her as their own on an ice set that looks like it took its decorating cues from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.  

(Folks, do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see Wolf Devil Woman right this minute.)

The evil Devil (who looks like a cross between a KKK member, Sho Nuff from The Last Dragon, and Freddy Krueger) is causing havoc using magic to freeze people’s blood. The Old Master knows the only thing that can defeat him is some thousand-year-old ginseng, so he sends his pupil named (wait for it…) The Young Master to find it.  He and his pal Rudi stumble upon the Wolf Woman dressing in wolf skin.  They think she’s a real wolf and accidentally injure her in self-defense. 

There’s a great scene where the Young Master tries to make amends.  He notices Wolf Woman has a hunch and cracks her back for her.  There’s even a Street Fighter-style X-ray shot of her spine being straightened.  Pissed, she bites his wrist.  Since he kinda feels bad for performing an illicit chiropractic procedure without her consent, he LETS HER CHEW ON HIM.

(Seriously, see this movie.  It’s free on Amazon Prime.  It won’t cost you a thing) 

After a while, she gets over that whole back-straightening thing and the Young Master teaches Wolf Woman to talk.  Their language lessons offer up some of the biggest laughs in the movie.  First, he makes her say, “okay”.  Now I believe that’s a word she could say on her first try mastering the English language.  I also believe “snow” would be a decent enough word to learn the second time out.  Then, the Young Master makes her say, “hibiscus”!  I’m no linguist, but that seems like a pretty advanced word for the first day of language lessons if you ask me. 

When Rudi lets slip that they were the ones who accidentally killed her mother, Wolf Woman dyes her hair white with her mind and freaks out.  Young Master and Rudi decide to leave Wolf Woman be, but Devil captures Young Master and turns him into one of his slaves.  He also shows him his collection of zombies.  When he asks why he has them, Devil responds, “This is just an eccentric hobby!”

(Honestly folks, I’m not doing this movie justice.  You need to see it for yourself.)

Wolf Woman gets over the fact that Young Master killed her mother quickly enough and sets out to rescue him.  By that I mean she goes swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan.  Did I miss something?  She was raised by wolves, not monkeys, right?  Are wolves known for their swinging prowess?

Then there’s the scene reminiscent of Splash where she goes to a restaurant and tries to eat properly for the first time.  The sight of Wolf Woman dressed up like and acting not too far removed from Kate Bush is one I won’t soon forget.  When she can’t pay, the owners try to string her up, but she’s saved by Rudi and the Old Master.  They then team up to save Young Master from clutches of the Devil.

(Honestly, turn back now or you run the risk of learning about the scene where Wolf Woman plays Whack-a-Mole with Ninjas in the sand, except she cuts their heads off instead of hitting them with a mallet.)

The finale is incredible too.  Devil confronts The Young Master and sets him on fire.  Remember the hilarious fire animation used on the Human Torch in Roger Corman’s version of The Fantastic Four?  The fire animation in Wolf Devil Woman is even worse.  Just when you stop laughing at that, Wolf Woman bites a chunk out of her arm and PUTS OUT THE FIRE with her own arterial spray!  Incredible.

I’d also like to point out that Wolf Devil Woman is one of the rare ‘70s Kung Fu movies directed by a woman, Ling Chang.  She also helmed the sequel, which appeared the following year.  That one ISN’T on Prime, but I hope to track it down in the near future.  

(Okay, now that the whole thing’s been spoiled for you, you should definitely go and check it out anyway.  You can thank me later.)

AKA:  Venus the Ninja.  AKA:  Wolfen Queen.

THE MEDUSA AGAINST THE SON OF HERCULES (1963) ** ½

Before making memorable appearances in WTF Ninja movies and low budget Spaghetti Westerns, Richard Harrison cut his teeth on a few Italian peplum adventures.  This one was directed by none other than Alberto De Martino, the man who would later go on to make the unbelievable Puma Man.  While The Medusa Against the Son of Hercules never quite achieves the lunacy of that flick, it does offer up a few cool monsters and some decent sword and sandal shenanigans.

Harrison stars as Perseus (who is in fact the son of Zeus, not Hercules, but never mind), a loner who has a little fawn as a friend.  The heartless Galinor (Leo Anchoriz) kills the deer during a hunt to impress his fiancée Andromeda (Anna Ranalli), which enrages Perseus.  This leads to a series of contests between the two, with the victor getting Andromeda’s hand in marriage.  When Galinor realizes Perseus is the legendary figure prophesized to overthrow the kingdom, he frames him for murder.  Perseus then joins the opposing king’s army, who as it stands are woefully outnumbered.  It’s then up to Perseus to defeat the Medusa so her legions of stone victims (who are also conveniently soldiers) will return to life and get in the fight.

The monsters, created by Carlo Rambaldi, are easily the best part of the movie.  I liked the “dragon”, even though it looked less like a dragon and more like the Loch Ness Monster.  It’s cool when you take the low budget into consideration (until you see the whole body in one shot, that is).  The Medusa is even better.  Rambaldi deviated from the commonly accepted design, but that helps to make the monster memorable.  It’s not a woman with snakes for hair like we’re used to.  It looks more like one of the monsters from The Green Slime.  It’s big and green with one glowing yellow eye and surrounded by a mass of tentacles.  (It kind of looks like some pissed-off mutant broccoli.)  

After all the monsters are slain, it becomes rather ordinary very fast.  Other than the monsters and a Robin Hood-inspired archery contest, there isn’t much here to separate it from countless other ‘60s peplum adventures.  All in all, it's a decent toga fest, especially if you’re a fan of Harrison.  The theme song (which sounds like it came out of a western) is badass too.

AKA:  Perseus the Invincible.  AKA:  Valley of the Stone Men.  AKA:  Perseus Against the Monsters.  AKA:  Medusa vs. the Son of Hercules.

SALT AND FIRE (2017) **

Michael Shannon stars as the CEO of a high-profile company responsible for a catastrophic ecological disaster.  Veronica Ferres is an ecologist sent to access the damage.  Since Shannon is clearly nuts, he kidnaps her and a series of mind games between the two escalate.

Ferres’ plan is to get Shannon talking.  The thought is, the more he talks the more he'll let his guard down.  Fortunately for the audience, he talks a lot.  Shannon has a way with writer/director Werner Herzog’s dialogue.  He nicely captures the quizzical nature and eccentric rhythms of Herzog’s speech while very much keeping the character uniquely Shannon.  Whether he’s talking about broken down trains or pontificating on parrots, he really keeps your attention with his offbeat performance.

If only the narrative wasn’t so frustrating.  The first half in which Ferres is taken hostage is much stronger than the second.  It’s here where she is forced to play mother hen to a duo of blind boys and help them make their way through a seemingly endless salt flat.  Sure, this sequence is filled with some glorious looking cinematic compositions, but it also happens to be extremely heavy-handed, contrived, and ultimately boring.

In fact, the whole thing more or less falls apart once Shannon disappears.  Without his oddball charisma, Salt and Fire fails to generate much interest.  Ferres does what she can, but she just isn’t engaging enough to make the Shannon-less passages work.  You know you’re in trouble when her most memorable scene comes from waiting for her luggage at the airport.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP (2018) ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp is one of the best of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies.  There is lots of imagination on display and plenty of fun to be had.  Not only is it chockful of inventive action sequences, there’s also tons of heart.  In a summer full of dazzling special effects, big-budget sequels, and costumed superheroes, it’s nice to find one that engages the heart as much as it does the eyes.

It’s also refreshing when the fate of the world isn’t always at stake.  Nope, this time out, Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) is just trying to help his former partner The Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) rescue her mom (Michelle Pfeiffer) from the Quantum Zone.  Since he’s supposed to be home under house arrest (thanks to his participation with Captain America in Civil War), Scott has to do some tricky maneuvering.  It’s hard enough to fight bad guys and find items to piece together a machine that can send people into a parallel universe.  Imagine doing all of that without tripping your ankle monitor.

Because of Scott’s constant juggling of family, loyalty to his friends, superhero obligations, and need to be back home in time for his court-mandated check-ins, Ant-Man and the Wasp feels closers in tone and spirit to the Spider-Man movies than the overstuffed Avengers-style of spectacle.  (There’s also a bit of Iron Man 3 here as Scott’s new prototype suit has a bunch of glitches that pop up at inopportune times.)

Another refreshing tactic:  Scott is practically the third wheel in his own movie.  A lot of the heavy lifting goes to The Wasp and her dad, the original Ant-Man (Michael Douglas).  Most of the scientific gobbledygook goes over Scott’s head, leaving him ready to quip away at the drop of a hat.  Because of that, Rudd has plenty of opportunities to shine, even if he has to defer to the experts on most occasions.  

I also found the villain, Ghost (Hannah John-Kamen) quite interesting.  Her aim is self-preservation, not world domination.  She’s willing to achieve that at any cost, which makes her a threat, and her singlemindedness makes her oblivious to the fact that the people she’s fighting against are more than capable of helping her.  

There are so many moments to treasure.  The action involving oversized Pez dispensers and salt shakers are a joy and the bit where The Wasp shrunk a motorcycle down to size while the rider was going at top speed was inspired.  We also get a Bullitt-style car chase with miniature cars!  The laughs are plentiful too.  The sight of Rudd shrunk down to junior size and running around a school trying not to get caught by a teacher is one I won’t soon forget.  My favorite moment though was the makeshift drive-in (showing Them of course).  Also, more movies should include scenes where Michael Pena is injected with truth serum.

All this AND Walton Goggins TOO?  It’s almost as if director Peyton Reed picked my brain and put everything I always wanted to see in an Ant-Man movie into Ant-Man and the Wasp.  Not only is it one of the best MCU films ever made, it’s the best picture of the year.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 
Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

2018 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

Ant-Man and the Wasp: ****

Avengers:  Infinity War: *** ½

Black Panther: *** ½

Deadpool 2: *** ½

Accident Man: ** ½