SANTA JAWS (2018) ** ½

A young comic book artist named Cody (Reid Miller) receives a magic pen for Christmas.  He uses it to draw his latest creation, Santa Jaws, and naturally, the shark (who of course wears a Santa hat) comes to life.  Before long, the shark begins eating his friends and family one by one.  It’s then up to Cody to save Christmas.

Santa Jaws could’ve easily been another dumb SyFy Channel Original, and well… it is.  However, it’s a little bit funnier than you’d expect.  There are enough clever and a few downright inspired moments here to make it worth a look.  Some of the funniest scenes come after the revelation that the shark can only be harmed by Christmas-themed weapons as it gets stabbed with a candy cane in its glowing eyes (which are red, like Rudolph’s nose).  

Let’s be real here.  Santa Jaws is still a SyFy Channel movie.  As such, for every legitimately funny bit, there’s at least one or two cheesy groan-inducing moments.  You also have to put up with a couple of useless subplots that get in the way of fun.  The most egregious being the scenes of the doofus comic book store owner using the pen to make himself a hot girlfriend and cool car.

I can’t help but think that Santa Jaws would’ve been a better fake trailer than an actual movie.  Still, I couldn’t help but chuckle when Santa Jaws grew a sharpened candy cane horn to impale its victims.  I mean the elf kill alone guaranteed it an extra Half-Star.  As far as revenge-themed Christmastime shark movies go, it’s better than Jaws the Revenge. 

AQUAMAN (2018) *** ½

Justice League was unfairly maligned, but it did offer a tantalizing glimpse of Jason Momoa as Aquaman.  Even if he was the fifth or sixth best thing about that film, and was saddled with some lame wisecracks, I was curious to see what this iteration of the character would look like if given his own adventure.  The secret of director James Wan’s success is that he treats the bizarreness of underwater Atlantean warfare seriously.  There’s no winking at the camera.  When someone rides a seahorse like an actual horse, it’s done in an offhand manner.  Like this shit happen all the time.  

The plot has Aquaman’s hothead half-brother King Orm (Patrick Wilson) going on a warpath to be named “Ocean Master”.  Once he holds the title, Orm can combine the armies of the seven seas to launch an attack on the surface dwellers.  Mera (Amber Heard) comes to dry land to plead with Aquaman to return to Atlantis and challenge Orm for the throne.  First, they must find a mythological trident, because whomever wields the trident, rules the sea.

Sounds silly, doesn’t it?  Wan, Momoa, and company don’t think so.  Sure, there’s some one-liners and quips along the way, but the threat of war is very real throughout the film.  Aquaman, like many reluctant heroes, uses humor to diffuse tense situations.  When the chips are down and the fate of the world (and ocean) are at stake, he’s all business.

Likewise, Wan is all business when it comes to doubling down on the wild, weird, mostly awesome visuals and action.  I mean where else are you going to see Dolph Lundgren as an underwater king?  Wan also gives us underwater dogfights, Atlantean gladiator battles, and sharks with fricking laser beams on their head.  It’s enough to make Dr. Evil weep tears of joy.

Aquaman takes inspiration from a wide array of sources.  It steals from The Phantom Menace, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Attack of the Crab Monsters, Humanoids from the Deep, Splash, and King Arthur.  With that kind of kitchen sink approach, it goes without saying that it’s going to be wildly uneven.  At 143 minutes, it’s overlong, kind of messy (the “B” plot of Black Manta’s quest for revenge is more involving that the whole duel for the throne storyline), and a bit waterlogged.  It’s also brimming with visual splendor, great performances, and tons of action.

Some may miss the innocent, square, and blonde version of Aquaman.  I can honestly say that I’m not a fan of the Sons of Anarchy look of this Aquaman.  That’s all surface though.  Beneath the tattoos and ratty beard lies a compelling character you can root for.  Momoa has loads of charisma and plenty of chemistry with Heard, which makes me genuinely intrigued to see what will happen in his next underwater adventure.

2018 Comic Book Scorecard:

Venom: ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp: ****
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies: ****
Avengers:  Infinity War: *** ½
Aquaman: *** ½
Black Panther: *** ½  
Deadpool 2: *** ½
Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse: ***
Accident Man: ** ½ 

DC Extended Universe Scorecard:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****
Man of Steel: ****
Aquaman: *** ½
Wonder Woman: *** ½
Justice League: *** ½
Suicide Squad: ***

BUMBLEBEE (2018) ****

It’s amazing what can happen when you make a Transformers movie with: 1) Heart.  2) Characters who act like human beings and have meaningful relationships with one another. 3) Crisp fight choreography. 4) Legitimate badass fist-pumping moments. 5) Characters who don’t act like they’re in a Michael Bay movie. 6) An ‘80s setting.

Now, I haven’t seen Transformers:  The Last Knight yet, but I feel confident in stating that Bumblebee is the greatest Transformers movie ever made.  With Travis (Kubo and the Two Strings) Knight at the helm, Bumblebee captures the wonder and awe of the robots in disguise that was sorely lacking in the other Michael Bay-directed entries.  It’s a love letter to the ‘80s, the same era that gave birth to the Transformers.  It’s also a loving tribute to the films of Steven Spielberg (who once again serves as executive producer), most notably E.T. 

The action is great.  Heck, the first five minutes outclasses anything we’ve previously seen in a Transformers movie.  The Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robot battles pretty much gives you everything you’ve wanted to see from these films since the beginning.  Transformers get beaten up, tossed around, transform, and come back for more.  

Another thing I loved:  When Bumblebee transforms, you can actually see where all the moving parts go.  In the past movies, it just seemed like a rushed blur.  Either that, or a small truck would suddenly turn into a giant robot that looked like it would never occupy the same space.  Again, Knight nails something so deceptively simple, but it makes a big difference when you see it on screen.

The film is essentially a tale of a girl and her robot.  Bumblebee comes to Earth at the behest of Optimus Prime to establish a new Transformer base of operations.  Along the way, he meets the spunky Charlie (Hailee Steinfeld) who is still hurting from the loss of her father.  Together, they form a strong bond and work as a team to fight off the incoming army of Decepticons.  

Believe it or not, but it makes a difference when you have characters that act like real people in a Transformers movie.  Even the broadest characterizations are somewhat grounded in reality.  Sure, Steinfeld’s family seem like something out of an ‘80s sitcom, but they are far removed from the annoying cartoon family in the other movies. 

Steinfeld is terrific.  You really grow to feel for her as the film goes on.  There’s a real bond between her and Bumblebee and there are scenes between them that are genuinely touching.  Even the stuff with John Cena as a soldier trying to bring down the Transformers is well-rounded and multi-dimensional.  He also gets the best line of the movie when he tells his superior, “They’re called Decepticons. Isn’t that a red flag?”  

THE MULE (2018) ****

Clint Eastwood returns to the screen in fine fashion with this gripping tale of how a ninety-year-old horticulturist turns into a mule for the Mexican drug cartel.  It’s an unlikely (but true) story, but the way Eastwood’s assured direction allows the plot to unfold is spellbinding.  That, coupled with a terrific performance from Clint, makes for one of the best movies of the year.

Clint plays the character of Earl with a wry twinkle in his eye.  This isn’t the same squinty Clint we’re used to seeing.  Sure, Earl rattles off some decidedly un-PC language (as he did in Gran Torino), but his heart is in the right place.  I mean nobody decides to up and become a drug mule.  When he does so, it’s coming from a good place.  He’s spent decades putting work ahead of his family.  This is his way of making things right.  Besides, at ninety, he doesn’t have much time left and he needs the money fast.

The early scene of Earl in his element is key.  We see him at a flower convention receiving an award, flirting with old ladies, schmoozing with the competition, and throwing his money around.  We flash forward a dozen years later, when the flowers and money have all dried up.  He wants to find a way back into his family’s life.  He’s a cautious driver and never had a ticket in seventy-five years.  Why not run drugs for the cartel?  

After a few runs, Earl is rolling in the dough and makes the mistake of throwing his money around.  How much is he pulling in?  Well, when his local VFW has a grease fire in the kitchen, not only does Earl pay for the damages, he’s able to renovate the place AND get Mollie B. Polka to play at the grand re-opening!  We’re talking some serious cash here.

Earl is such a likeable guy that he immediately wins over the drug dealers.  He even asks about their family and tries to impart words of wisdom to them.  The big cheese (Andy Garcia) even invites him to his mansion for a big shindig where Earl has a threesome with two hot babes.  (Oh, it’s his second threesome of the movie by the way.  Drug mules apparently get a LOT of action; even if they are ninety.)  Heck, even when the goons rough Earl up, they sort of feel bad about it.  It’s just a testament to the sharp writing and Clint’s deft performance that Earl remains someone you root for, even if you don’t quite agree with his job description or what comes out of his mouth.

The supporting cast is superb.  There are no small parts or actors here.  Bradley Cooper is excellent as the DEA agent trying to take down the cartel, and Laurence Fishburne is equally fine as his stern, but supportive boss.  Cooper has a lot of fine moments with his partner, Michael Pena, who gets a few laughs and steals a couple of scenes along the way.  Dianne Wiest, Taissa Farmiga, and Alison Eastwood (playing who else?  Clint’s daughter) all do a great job as Earl’s long-suffering family.

The movie really belongs to Clint.  I was hoping Gran Torino would’ve been his last acting role because it served as a perfect summation of his acting career.  The Mule, like the title character himself, shows he’s still full of surprises.

TRUCKER’S WOMAN (1975) * ½

Mike Kelly (Michael Hawkins) is an honest hardworking trucker.  When Mike’s father, who is also a trucker, dies under mysterious circumstances, he begins doing some digging.  He also starts to organize the truckers, which makes his crooked boss nervous.  He gets Mike busted on phony charges, but with the help of a concerned detective, he sets out to solve his father’s murder and put a stop to the company’s illegal operations.

Oh, have you noticed how I haven’t even mentioned the trucker’s woman yet?  That’s because the bulk of Trucker’s Woman is devoted to a lot of boring trucker drama.  Hawkins spends most of his time butting heads with The Man and trying to stamp out corruption.  It’s not exactly the Good Ol’ Boy flick you would like it to be as the car chases are minimal and what action we do get is poorly staged.

I guess we should spend a LITTLE time talking about the trucker’s woman in Trucker’s Woman.  She’s played by Mary Cannon, who seems like an engaging enough actress.  At first, it looks like she’s going to be just another sexy blonde in a red sports car, but she proves to be more than a match for Hawkins.  Her best scene comes when she strands him in a parking lot nude.  Since Hawkins isn’t much of a hero, that makes Cannon by far the best performer in the movie.  Her scenes are the most memorable, even if her character arc is completely predictable.

Overall, there just aren’t enough exploitation thrills here to live up to the title.  We get a few sex and shower scenes, but not there’s not nearly enough skin to make up for the dreary, slow moving plot.  To make matters worse, Doodles Weaver provides the awful comic relief and drags down just about every scene he’s in.

AKA:  Truckin’ Man.

THE IRON DRAGON STRIKES BACK (1979) **

Bruce Li goes scuba diving with some friends and finds a cache of gold.  He suggests they leave it right where it is and not get involved.  One of his friends doesn’t heed his warning and takes it for himself.  He gets caught trying to fence the loot and a gang of Vietnamese villains soon follow in hot pursuit.  It’s then up to Bruce to settle the matter with his fists and feet.

The Iron Dragon Strikes Back was directed by Kuei Chih-Hung, who’s best known for his comedies (like Coward Bastard) and horror movies (like The Boxer’s Omen).  Usually, whenever he makes a more “typical” Kung Fu picture, the results are often uneven.  This is no exception.

The plot takes a while to gather momentum, but once it starts, the action is virtually non-stop.  Ordinarily that would be good news.  However, the fight scenes themselves leave something to be desired.  Most of them are lively.  Others border on chaotic.  I’ll admit, there are a handful of good moments here (like when Bruce does some fancy gymnastic work or when an actor uses a real weapon during filming).  It’s just that the repetitive nature of the fights soon become numbing.

There’s a nasty streak to the film that’s dark and weird enough to make it memorable.  I mean the scene where the bad guys grab Bruce’s buddy and literally hook his ass up to a car battery is a pure slice of Chih-Hung insanity.  However, that’s not quite enough to push this one into the win column.

AKA:  The Gold Connection.  

MOM AND DAD (2018) ****

Mom and Dad is basically Night of the Living Parents.  It seems like the start of an idyllic school day when without warning, parents around the globe snap and kill their kids.  It’s not one of those Biblical things, I don’t think.  It’s not one of those meteor showers deals either.  Or global warming.  It just happens.

I know every parent feels like strangling their kid, especially once they become a teenager, but this is ridiculous.

For Anne Winters and Zackary Arthur, that means trouble.  Why?  Because their mom and dad are played by Nicolas Cage and Selma Blair.  

People talked up Mandy all year saying how great it was, but this just blows it out of the water.  Cage, whether singing the hokey pokey or giving tweaked line readings of simple compound words like “motherfucker”, is badass.  This is truly one of his best performances in a long time. 

We all know how crazy Cage can get when he goes into a full-on Cage Rage (and he does so once again here), but Blair is the real revelation.  She firmly sheds her “good girl” image, first by playing it up like it’s a typical Blair performance and then getting down and twisted with it.  We’ve seen Cage go nuts before.  One of the many joys of the movie is that Blair keeps up with him and never misses a beat.

What makes their performances so great are the little flashbacks that hammer home the stress, frustration, and heartbreak that go into being a parent.  Cage and Blair were people once living their own lives.  Now, they’re just somebody’s parents.  Their children basically erased their identity and have dominated their very existence.  There’s a ring of painful truth to that.  When they go after their young, I can’t say we’re rooting for them, but we see where they’re coming from. 

Right from the ‘70s-style opening credits sequence, you know you’re in for something special.  Directed by Brian Taylor of Neveldine/Taylor (Crank) fame (who also directed Cage in Ghost Rider:  Spirit of Vengeance), Mom and Dad is one gloriously fucked-up movie.  It commits to its zany premise wholeheartedly, going the whole nine yards every step of the way.  The scenes of the kid-killing carnage sweeping the town are fun, but it’s even more effective once the gears shift and the film becomes a taut home invasion thriller in the end and a damn fine one.

Oh, and kudos to the person who dreamt up casting Lance Henriksen as Cage’s dad. 

In a crisis, one’s natural inclination is to get in touch with their parents to reassure them everything’s going to be okay.  Mom and Dad cleverly subverts that instinct and turns it into something truly harrowing.  Taylor takes the most heinous act imaginable and makes it all horrifying, hilarious, and dare I say, somewhat touching.  This is truly a special movie; one of the year’s best.

Oh, and bonus points for having Dr. Oz be the one to explain the plot.