MAX STEEL (2016) *

Movies have taught me a lot of things.  Probably one of the most important lessons I have learned is that if your father dies while performing a top-secret experiment and his former partner shows up offering you the world, you should probably run in the opposite direction.  This Max Steel guy obviously doesn’t watch as many movies as I do.

The plot of Max Steel is Mattel saw how much money Hasbro was making with the Transformers movies and tried to cash in with a film version of a toy I never heard of.  Too bad it followed the Jem and the Holograms business model with its low-tech vibe and ever lower budget.  (Right down to the annoying robot sidekick.)  It’s also similar in many ways to the recent Power Rangers flick as it’s a dark, dour, and grim affair.  Like that film, it keeps finding excuses to keep Max out of his power suit during its action sequences to further skimp on the budget. 

I’ve always been a believer that Maria Bello and Andy Garcia are two actors incapable of giving bad performances.  Max Steel is a movie that puts my beliefs to the test.  It’s not that they don’t try, it’s that the material is so inert that they are rarely ever given an opportunity to exhibit any sign of a pulse.  Ben Winchell, who plays Max, resembles a low-key Taylor Lautner.  He looks the part and all, but he has almost no screen presence.  

Director Stewart (Sorority Row) Hensler has no real discernable style.  He stages everything in a drab way that prevents the film from gathering any momentum.  The confusing editing, especially early on with all the flashbacks, also adds to the movie’s woes. 

The action is non-existent too.  Whenever something looks like it’s going to happen, things come to a grinding halt with no resolution.  The final fight is so darkly lit that you can’t tell what’s going on.  It also doesn’t help that the super suits the hero and villain wear look like a clunky combination of Power Ranger and Iron Man cosplay.  I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Max Steel is almost entirely made of recycled material.  It deserves to be thrown in the recycling bin, that’s for sure.  

FEMALE CHAUVINISTS (1976) **

At a meeting of hardcore feminists, the lesbian leader, Ms. Fullabull (Nancy Field) proclaims, “Recruit the young!  The prepubescent young!”  The feminists then take to the streets to protest men and their chauvinistic behavior.  When they refuse to let a transvestite join their ranks, a photographer sets out to expose the feminists as frauds.  He gets his friend, Boopsie (Roxanne Brewer), a spitfire redhead, to join their ranks while he tries to get incriminating pictures.  While Boopsie prowls around Fullabull’s swanky home (complete with pool) looking for evidence, the photographer’s friend Vince (Rick Dillon) pretends to be a deaf-mute to infiltrate the camp.  It doesn’t take long before he’s converting the lesbians with his lovemaking prowess in an effort to expose them as sex-crazed hypocrites.  

Directed by Jourdan (Sex Wish) Alexander, Female Chauvinists is a slipshod, wildly uneven affair.  If you’re watching it to get off, it’s highly unlikely you’ll enjoy it as the hardcore footage is interspersed sporadically throughout the film.  Not only that, but the majority of the XXX stuff is brief and not very erotic.  The highlights are few and far between too.  The scene where the feminists have a group masturbation session with Dr. Pepper bottles is pretty great, and I did like the scene of the massively stacked Brewer riding horseback in the nude in slow motion.  

The humor is alternately corny and legitimately funny.  There’s a dream scene where the girls hold up a “sperm bank” (it’s just a couple of dudes jerking off in the woods) that works, and some of the dialogue is good for a laugh or two.  (Like when Ms. Fullabull says, “It may be a dog eat dog world out there, but it’s a pussy eat pussy world around here!”)  These few humorous moments aside, it just all runs out of steam long before the end credits roll.  The laughs dry up about halfway through as the third act mainly consists of one crudely edited hardcore scene after the other.

Still, the movie is marginally worth watching due to the performance of the buxom Brewer.  It’s also fun seeing Uschi Digart as a feminist named Pussy.  She even gets a lesbian scene with Brewer, although it’s marred by shitty camerawork, a lack of hardcore footage, and some awful dubbed-in moaning.  

AKA:  Pussy Brigade.  

THE IMMORAL THREE (1975) ***

Jane (Cindy Boudreau) is strangled to death while sunbathing on a balcony.  At her funeral, Jane’s three long-lost daughters, Sandy (Sandra Kay), Nancy (Michelle Marie), and Ginny (also played by Boudreau) meet for the first time.  They also learn their mother (whom they never met) was a special agent who slept with and killed enemy agents.  That means her daughters were “occupational side effects”.  Jane’s will states the three girls need to team up and find her murderer before they can collect the three-million-dollar inheritance.  They are given a list of four suspects and set out to determine which one is the killer.  

Early on in Doris Wishman’s The Immoral Three, one of the characters mention in passing that Jane was known as “Agent 73”.  That means this is actually an under the radar sequel to Double Agent 73!  All I have to say is that Cindy Boudreau is no Chesty Morgan, but then again, who is?  While she may not have Chesty’s impossible bustline, unlike Chesty, Boudreau can recite intelligible dialogue, which helps.  I guess.  There’s no camera boob gimmick this time out though, which is a little disappointing.  

The good news is, this is a Doris Wishman movie through and through.  It may not be up to the dizzying heights of Wishman’s classics like Double Agent 73, Let Me Die a Woman, and Deadly Weapons, but The Immoral Three has enough moments of WTF (Wishman’s Type of Filmmaking) to make it worthwhile.  There’s the oddball plot.  Misogyny.  Murder.  Nudity.  Shots of people walking slowly towards the camera.  And of course, random shots of feet.  As a bonus, the flick features what has to be the most inexplicable use of a xylophone found on a soundtrack.

The Immoral Three is one of Wishman’s better put together films.  Sure, it kind of drags around the halfway mark, but her Kitchen Sink approach assures you’ll be riveted.  While most of this plays like some sort of sexed-up mash-up of Charlie’s Angels and Mission:  Impossible, some scenes feel like a prototype for a slasher movie with a black-gloved killer stabbing people.  We also get a not-bad double twist ending.

The main draw will be the shit-ton of nudity.  The lovely ladies in the cast get naked at the drop of a hat.  Whether getting changed, skinny-dipping, or having sex (willingly and otherwise), there’s never a shortage of skin on screen.  

The nuttiest scene comes when Kay simulates fellatio with a banana to arouse a potential suspect.  When she goes down on him, Wishman superimposes shots of Kay sucking the banana over his face, which scores maximum laughs.  While I can’t say The Immoral Three lives up to the promise of Double Agent 73, moments like these assure exploitation fans will have loads of fun with it.

AKA:  Hotter Than Hell.  

FINAL IMPACT (1992) ***

Lorenzo Lamas stars as a former kickboxing champion slumming on the strip club circuit, fighting matches just before the oil wrestling main attraction.  A young, idealistic student (Michael Worth) wanting to make a name for himself comes to Lorenzo to pay homage.  After busting the kid’s balls a bit, Lamas eventually takes him under his wing so he can beat the fighter who stripped him of his belt.  

On the surface, Final Impact is a generic kickboxing movie.  If you look deeper, you find it’s a character study of how a man’s shortsighted quest for revenge winds up costing him everything.  I love stories about a stubborn ass man sticking to his guns, living life on his terms, and refusing to accept his situation until the last possible moment.   Sure, the sports genre clichés are overly familiar, and the fight choreography is nothing to brag about, but there’s plenty of quirky character moments here that help to make it memorable.

I knew Final Impact was going to be special the moment Worth beat a guy in the ring, pumped his fist, then pointed at Lamas and said, “I’m invincible!”  Later, back at the motel, Worth gets jumped by two guys in front of a Dr. Pepper machine.  Lamas intervenes and says, “Nobody’s invincible!”  What makes this scene so great is Lamas’ deadpan delivery… and the fact that he’s wearing a leather vest and no undershirt.  I know it doesn’t sound like much to hear me tell it, but I must’ve replayed this scene like three times, rolling in laughter each time.

Then of course there’s the great scene where Lamas gets drunk, breaks into the arena, and crawls into the empty ring where he falls to his knees and screams while flashbacks of his crushing defeat play out.  I’m not going to lie, the moment late in the third act when Lorenzo arrives at his big lifechanging realization, it’s unexpectedly powerful.  In lesser hands, a line like, “Winning isn’t about getting even.  It’s about being true to yourself!” would elicit chortles.  To hear Lamas tell it, it’s a heartbreaking punch to the gut.  

I can’t say this is Lamas’ best performance because that’s easily Snakeeater.  What I can say is he’s incredibly earnest, heartfelt, and genuine.  He hits the dramatic notes with surprising authority, but still looks funny with no shirt and cowboy hat while being belligerent too. What I’m saying is, Lorenzo Lamas is awesome.

VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS (1961) **

Cesare (National Lampoon’s Animal House) Danova and Sean (My Chauffeur) McClory star as two feuding men whose duel is interrupted by a comet crashing to earth.  They awaken to find themselves in a strange surrounding and eventually figure out they’ve somehow been swept away on the passing comet.  They soon put their differences aside and go exploring.  The two men wind up getting separated and find themselves on opposing sides of a caveman tribal war. 

Based on a story by Jules Verne, Valley of the Dragons earns points for not wasting any time getting the show on the road.  It kicks things off in fine fashion with the scene of the comet literally sweeping Danova and McClory off their feet.  It doesn’t take long to get bogged down from there though.  The caveman scenes are slowly paced and the final dinosaur battle (that’s right, they’re not even dragons), which is nothing more than lizards with fins glued onto their backs, goes on far too long.  

Most of this is laughable and cheap.  You can get some amusement from seeing elephants covered in fur being passed off as mastodons and forced perspective shots of anteaters and armadillos.  Fans will also have fun spotting the wholesale swiping of footage from One Million B.C., King Dinosaur, and even Rodan being recycled for the action sequences.  The spider monster from Cat-Women of the Moon is even reused briefly.  The skull-faced Neanderthal men are kind of creepy too, but for the most part, the overreliance on stock footage and the soggy pacing in the second half ultimately sink this Valley.

AKA:  Prehistoric Valley.  

RAW TALENT (1984) ***

Raw Talent begins with a warning that states the film contains “Subliminal Suggestions”.  Turns out there are flashes of the word “Masturbate” during one of the sex scenes.  If that doesn’t tip you off this is going to be special, the opening scene will.

Jerry Butler is a struggling actor working in a diner.  An old bitchy customer comes in ten minutes before closing time wanting a turkey sandwich.  After belittling Jerry, he goes in the back, whips out his dick, and fucks the roasted turkey until he cums in her sandwich.  

Yes, this movie is as awesome as it sounds.

Jerry learns his co-worker (Joey Silvera) is a porn star and decides to visit the set.  The icy director (the great Lisa DeLeeuw) constantly berates Silvera as he tries to fuck on film.  There’s a hilarious bit when Joey goes down on an actress and accidentally drops his gum on her pubic hair.  It gets stuck in her pubes, and the make-up lady has to cut it out with scissors (and shave her).  When Joey experiences premature ejaculation, Jerry takes over and proves he’s got the stuff to be a star.  

Later, at a party, he bangs DeLeeuw, but she doesn’t want him to cum on her.  She tells him to cum on the plant, which of course, turns out to be a cactus and he winds up injuring himself.  (“I pricked my prick!”)

Did I mention this movie is awesome?

This is followed by a scene where Butler gets attacked by muggers and he fights them off using his Kung Fu moves.  The fight is so exaggerated and over the top that at first, you may think it’s part of a scene he’s filming for a movie.  Nope, it’s just part of his everyday life.  Incredible.  

Jerry eventually finds work on a soap opera.  When it comes out he’s an ex-porn star, he gets fired.  He learns DeLeeuw told the press about his porno past and ruined career, and he gets his revenge by shoving her face in the bidet and sodomizing her.  

The story jumps around a lot in the third act.  It’s here where Jerry goes to jail and gets released in the span of a jump cut.  He also gets a girlfriend in the same amount of time.  When he catches her fucking Ron Jeremy, it leads to an all-out Kung Fu battle between Jeremy and Butler!  Clearly modeled on Enter the Dragon, with Butler “WAAAAHing” and “WOOOOing” like Bruce Lee, the choreography is surprisingly competent, and the two stars give it their all.  In the end, Butler has to fight another actor (literally) for a coveted role.  

It’s not perfect, but Raw Talent is one of those ‘80s pornos that is justifiably legendary.  Don’t be dismayed that I basically told you all the highlights, because trust me, that won’t do it justice.  You’ve got to see this thing to believe it.  Even then, I can’t guarantee you’ll believe your eyes.

DeLeeuw gets the best line of the movie when she tells Silvera:  “Pussies are like English Muffins.  You got to spread them to get to all those nooks and crannies!”

VENDETTA (2015) **

Dean Cain stars as a detective who arrests a notorious criminal played by WWE superstar Paul “Big Show” Wight.  Big Show gets out of jail and murders Cain’s pregnant wife and goes right back to prison.  Cain goes crazy and gets himself thrown in jail to get revenge on Big Show.  He soon learns Big Sexy is running his vast criminal empire out of prison with the help of dirty prison guards.  Before going through with his vendetta, Cain first dedicates himself to tearing down Big Show’s operation from the inside.  

Vendetta is a WWE movie from directors Jen and Sylvia (Dead Hooker in a Trunk) Soska.  This is actually their second go-round directing WWE flicks after helming the Kane horror sequel See No Evil 2.  There’s been a lot of talk lately about the need for more women directors.  I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.  It’s just that the Soskas’ unique talents are wasted on this generic WWE actioner.  The Soskas trot out the usual prison clichés and handle all the brawls, riots, shivs, etc. efficiently enough and direct the action in a competent manner.  However, there’s nothing here that really grabs you either and you’ll probably find yourself forgetting most of it soon after you watch it.  

Cain does a fine job in the lead.  The former Superman does a decent slow burn.  He probably deserves better gigs than this and the occasional talking dog movie.  Big Show handles himself quite well.  He has considerable screen presence and makes for a formidable foe.  Ultimately, both men are let down by the no-frills screenplay, which never quite gets itself into gear.