INCOMING (2018) * ½

Scott Adkins stars as part of a team of astronauts who torture the leaders of a terrorist group known as “The Wolfpack” aboard a space station orbiting the Earth.  Since the black site is in orbit, they’re not bound by earthly laws (“The Geneva convention doesn’t apply in space!”) and can do whatever the fuck they want to the prisoners.  A lady doctor (Michelle Lehane) comes to check on the condition of the prisoners and is appalled at their treatment.  When she sneaks in to one of the terrorist’s cell to hear the extent of the torture, he predictably overpowers her and unleashes his fellow prisoners.  He then takes over the space station with the intention of plummeting it into downtown Moscow.  Naturally, it’s up to Adkins to stop them.

Incoming is a cheap sci-fi actioner that wastes a moderately intriguing premise on a lot of dull dialogue scenes.  Despite the promising set-up, it’s a dark, dreary, and slow-moving slog.  The low budget doesn’t help either.  The minimal sets and special effects highlight the claustrophobia of the characters, but there’s more boredom here than suspense.

This is not an ideal use of Adkins’ talents by any stretch of the imagination.  The scenes of Adkins and his crew trying to survive get a pass because of his presence alone.  The stuff with the prisoners plotting their coup, on the other hand, is a chore to sit through.  None of the actors are convincing or menacing and their villainous monologues are dreadfully dull. 

It’s also painfully low on action, which is the ultimate kiss of death.  The film only occasionally remembers it’s a Scott Adkins movie when it briefly puts the tedium on pause for an intermittent knife fight or a Kung Fu skirmish.  Even these welcome surges of machismo (I did like when Adkins said, “Don’t fuck with America!” before slitting a terrorist’s throat) fall flat more often than not. 

ONE DAMNED DAY AT DAWN… DJANGO MEETS SARTANA! (1970) * ½

In the tradition of Frankenstein Meets Wolfman, Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo, and Bambi Meets Godzilla, two screen titans meet face to face for the first time.  Too bad Sartana is nowhere to be found.  I guess One Damned Day at Dawn… Django Meets Sheriff Ronson didn’t have the same ring to it.  

Ronson (Fabio Testi) is the new sheriff in town.  Unfortunately, the town in question is Black Town, a nasty hive of lawlessness presided over by the nefarious Bud Wheeler (Dean Stratford).  Django (Hunt Powers) rides in looking to settle an old score with Wheeler, and Ronson winds up getting caught in the middle.   

Django Meets Sartana starts off okay, but it hits a wall during the long dull flashback scene where Testi learns about his predecessor’s demise.  From then on, the film never quite gets back on track.  The action comes in occasional spurts, which doesn’t help.  There’s a cool arm-wrestling scene where Wheeler and Testi put lit candles on each side of the table and try to burn their opponent’s hand.  The eventual fight scene between Django and Sartana… err… Ronson is better than the action found elsewhere in the movie, although it’s still not that great.

The big problem with One Damned Day at Dawn… Django Meets Sartana! is that it takes them all damned day to meet!  Another debit is that neither hero can quite hold your attention in their separate storylines (although I would give Testi the slight edge).  Incredibly enough, they are somehow less engaging when they’re together.  

AKA:  Django Meets Sartana.  AKA:  Django and Sartana.

DEVIL IN MISS JONES (1973) ****

The incomparable Georgina Spelvin became a household name when she starred in this still-powerful classic of X-rated cinema.  She plays Miss Jones, a lonely soul who commits suicide and winds up going to purgatory.  Abaco (John Clemens), the guy who runs the show says it’s a shame she killed herself because she was a shoo-in for Heaven.  Knowing it’s not quite her time yet and that she’ll never get into the pearly gates, the virginal Jones begs to go back to earth and live a sinful life.  Her teacher (Harry Reems) shows her how to act as a real slut, and once she’s fully trained, Miss Jones gets it on with a cavalcade of sex partners before heading off to her final destination.  

Spelvin’s performance is the reason Devil in Miss Jones still holds the power to captivate audiences some 46 years after its release.  She gets into her role with a fervor few adult actresses have.  Spelvin gets down and dirty with the best of them and is especially hot whenever she’s talking dirty during sex (which is quite often). 

Georgina does every sexual act you’d want to see an actress do in an adult film. She even does a few you might not want to see.  She makes love to herself with an enema hose, sticks grapes and bananas in her pussy, and in the film’s craziest scene, sucks off a snake!

This is truly a fearless performance.  It’s Spelvin’s go-for-broke acting that helps Devil in Miss Jones transcend the porno genre.  There are no half measures here.  Spelvin really put it out there for the world to see (in more ways than one).  It also doesn’t hurt that Gerard (Deep Throat) Damiano gives the film a touch of class with a few artsy bits here and there.  

Few classics of the genre really hold up to the test of time.  This is one of them.  I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.  (Yes, as a porn scholar, I have always been slightly ashamed I hadn’t seen it.)  The sequels got more outlandish as time went on, but for sheer sensuality, the original is hard to beat.

STANDOFF (2016) *** ½

Standoff has a thin, but admittedly gripping premise.  An assassin (Laurence Fishburne) chases a young girl (Ella Ballentine) who saw him perform a hit to the two-story farmhouse owned by the reclusive Carter (Thomas Jane).  Guns are drawn, shots are fired, and the two men lay at opposite ends of the stairwell bleeding; waiting for the other to make the next move.  

I’m a sucker for one-location movies.  I like seeing if the filmmakers can keep up the suspense out of what’s an essentially three-person play.  Part of the fun of Standoff is marveling how first-time director Adam Alleca (who wrote the Last House of the Left remake) is able to keep the premise crackling right along.  Just when you think he’s milked the plot for all it’s worth, he introduces a new wrinkle into the mix to keep you on your seat.

It also helps that the two leads are perfectly cast.  Jane always excels at these down and out types of roles, and this is no exception.  His character is a good man trying to do the right thing, even if it might get him killed, and because of his simple, heartfelt motivation, we instantly care about him.  Many actors would’ve had a hard time with the thinly written killer role, but Fishburne is more than up to the challenge making the character sinister yet entertaining to watch.  Seeing how the two men react to one another’s unexpected resourcefulness, especially when it becomes clear that Jane is more than just your average farmer, is yet another reason why Standoff stands heads and shoulders above your typical low budget actioner.  The performers find a lot of nuance in their characters and flesh them out to become fully three-dimensional, an impressive feat considering they spend a lot of time spouting exposition and barking orders.  Their final scenes even manage to be unexpectedly moving.

Alleca gets excellent mileage from the slim premise, (mostly) single setting, and the sterling performances.  The suspense only occasionally slows during the unnecessary scenes of a wet behind-the-ears deputy investigating Fishburne’s whereabouts.  These brief scenes could’ve easily been trimmed, and no one would’ve noticed.  When it stays on the staircase, Standoff stands out. 

ANGEL HAS FALLEN (2019) ***

Gerard Butler returns for his third go-round as the unstoppable, unflappable secret service agent Mike Banning.  In Olympus Has Fallen, the bad guys attacked The White House.  In London Has Fallen, they attacked… well… London.  This time out, the bad guys take the fight to Banning himself, framing him for the attempted assassination of the President (Morgan Freeman) and the death of his entire team.  It’s then up to Banning to clear his name and take down the elaborate conspiracy threatening to bring the nation to the brink of war.  

Angel Has Fallen is interesting as far as action sequels go.  Most opt for the bigger-is-better approach.  This one is content to take a more intimate look at its character and see what makes him tick.  Rarely to we get to see an action hero age appropriately or have realistic, humanizing problems, which is the real secret of the film’s success.  How many third entries in action franchises make social commentary… okay, so maybe that’s going too far… address such issues as opioid addiction, adequate concussion protocols, open carry policy, PTSD, and Russian collusion all within a two-hour span?  Seeing the filmmakers pay lip service to these issues helps to make Banning less of a Superman and more of a regular joe (compare his character development here to London Has Fallen where his big character scene was… putting together a crib) is novel enough to excuse some of its shortcomings.  

The biggest shortcoming has to be the lack of insane action sequences, which was London’s bread and butter.  This one has a silly drone strike sequence, and one or two inventive moments of Banning dispatching bad guys, but it pales in comparison to the previous entries in the series.  While I appreciate the attempts to ground Banning, grounding the action was a slight miscalculation on director Ric Roman Waugh’s part.  Since the man got his start directing the Shannon Whirry erotic thriller Exit, I’m able to cut him a little slack.

The upshot is that Nick Nolte comes along in the second half to give the movie a shot of adrenaline as Banning’s crazy old man who lives alone off the grid on a mountaintop to avoid the government.  You have never seen anyone act so grizzled in your life.  With his scraggly beard, crochety demeanor, and gravelly voice, he singlehandedly steals the picture.  New cast members such as Danny Huston, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Piper Perabo (replacing Radha Mitchell as Banning’s wife) get considerably less to do, but it hardly matters as Nolte and Butler’s verbal sparring gets so many laughs.

SUBLIME (2007) **

George (Tom Cavanagh) is a well-to-do businessman who seemingly has it all.  A nice house, a steady job, and a family that loves him.  On the day after his fortieth birthday, he goes to the hospital for a routine colonoscopy.  Much to his horror, there are several complications, not to mention more unnecessary (and/or botched) surgeries.  While trapped in his hospital bed, George begs his sexy day nurse (Kat Coiro) and the stern male nurse (named “Mandingo”, played by Welcome Back Kotter’s Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs) for answers, but they seem unwilling (or unable) to help.

Done right, this might have worked as a parable for middle-aged men’s fears about growing old and their reluctance to have age-appropriate medical exams.  The problem is that at nearly two hours, it’s way too long and drawn out to really work.  Rod Serling would’ve wrapped this thin premise up in a half hour on The Twilight Zone.  That’s not to say there aren’t one or two effective moments here.  (The big reveal of an unnecessary surgery would’ve made for a decent short film in its own right.)  However, there are just way too many supporting characters and flashbacks to a birthday party that get in the way.

Director Tony (Otis) Krantz tries to go for a Jacob’s Ladder type of mindfuck, but he lacks the panache or the unsettling imagery to properly pull it off.  It’s not a total loss because he does spring an occasional interesting wrinkle here and there that helps to occasionally inspire hope.  (The opening moments nicely capture the gallows humor patients resort to in an effort to hide their nervousness and uncertainty about going in for a delicate operation.)  The ending is kind of predictable, although if handled just so it might’ve been worthwhile.  As it turns out, the big reveal just kind of happens, which leaves something to be desired.  

A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD (1970) ***

Anthony Steffen stars as Joe Clifford, an actor in the Wild West who inherits a goldmine from his deceased grandfather.  When he goes to collect, Joe finds his grandfather’s close friend is now in control of the mine.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened and against the odds, Joe sets out to get revenge and reclaim the family goldmine.  What the bad guys don’t realize is that not only is Joe a skilled actor, he’s also a heck of a crack shot and has a knack for worming his way out of tight situations. 

Despite the unassuming title, A Man Called Joe Clifford is a little bit better than it has to be at nearly every turn.  Usually with Spaghetti Westerns, we just want some mindless violence, a cool antihero, and a badass theme song.  You get all that with Joe Clifford, and then some.  

The cool opening scene perfectly sets the tone.  Joe performs Hamlet in front of a crowd before blowing away a bunch of guys.  It’s especially funny because he starts out with, “To be or not to be” before the awesome Spaghetti Western theme cuts in and drowns out the rest of the soliloquy.  This was probably done to save dubbing expenses (or maybe not bore the audience with a lot of Shakespeare before getting down to the action), but it sure is cool.

Steffen is plenty cool as the calculating Clifford.  I particularly liked his use of theater costumes and make-up to disguise himself in order to get the drop on the bad guys.  The final act is where Joe really endears himself to the audience when he uses an assortment of dirty tricks and booby traps that would make Wile E. Coyote proud to turn himself into a one-man army.  

If you aren’t already a fan of Spaghetti Westerns, I can’t say A Man Called Joe Clifford will convert you.  For someone like me who’s sat through dozens of bad ones, I can appreciate one that colors outside the lines a bit.  Because of that, it’s worth getting to know A Man Called Joe Clifford.

AKA:  Apocalypse Joe.  AKA:  A Man Called Apocalypse Joe.