SANTO VS. THE TELEVISION KILLER (1981) **

A criminal in a black luchador mask known only as “Magnus” appears on television and broadcasts himself kidnapping a young woman.  El Santo naturally pitches in to help bring the mysterious masked villain down.  Meanwhile, an ambitious reporter, set firmly in the Lois Lane mold, wants the scoop and begins investigating Magnus’ whereabouts.  When she winds up kidnapped too, it’s up to El Santo to rescue her.  

Santo vs. the Television Killer has a good hook, but the follow-through is inconsistent.  Overall, it’s a serviceable entry in the long-running series and features a villain with just enough flair to be memorable.  It’s just a shame the pacing bogs down severely whenever El Santo isn’t on screen.  There isn’t a ton of action either and what action we do get doesn’t rank highly compared to El Santo’s other adventures.  (It’s obvious they used a much thinner stunt double for El Santo in some scenes.)

At least the wrestling scenes are lively.  In the first match, El Santo fights as part of a tag team in a crowded arena.  His second match takes place in a much smaller venue, but the action is briskly paced.  It’s in this sequence in which the filmmakers fall back on the old cliché of having the villain ordering an assassination attempt on El Santo while he’s wrestling in the ring.  As far as the musical numbers go, El Santo watches a blond country singer perform two songs, both times backed by a not-bad mariachi band.  

It’s worth mentioning that the lady reporter character handles herself capably during the action scenes.  She even rides a motorcycle at one point.  It’s far from progressive or anything, but it’s nice seeing a character like that who isn’t merely a damsel in distress (although she does get kidnapped in the finale).

AKA:  Santo vs. The T.V. Killer.  AKA:  Santo vs. the Killer of T.V.

BLOOD OF THE VAMPIRES (1971) * ½

Eduardo (Eddie Garcia) and his sister Leonore (Amalia Fuentes) return to their ancestral home to visit their father on his deathbed.  The old man gives strict instructions to burn the house to the ground upon his death, which understandably upsets his children.  As it turns out, he’s got his reasons.  You see, his wife is a vampire and he’s getting tired of chaining her up in the basement at night and whipping her, so she’ll behave.  The way he sees it, it’s better to just burn it down and be done with her.  Naturally, when Eduardo learns his mother is still alive (sort of), he runs downstairs to see his mommy dearest, and she winds up putting the bite on him.  Before long, he’s going around biting everyone in the jugular.

Blood of the Vampires kind of feels like a Pilipino version of Dark Shadows.  Unfortunately, Gerardo (Terror is a Man) de Leon’s lethargic direction makes it feels more like a dreary soap opera than a horror flick for much of its running time.  Some unintended laughs can be had by the sloppy dubbing, but for the most part, this is a long, dull slog.  The gratuitous use of actors in blackface for the servant roles makes it feel even more dated than it already is.  

The opening scenes hold promise.  The reveal of the mother resting in her coffin is rather effective.  Once Garcia gets his fangs though, the movie becomes a repetitive bore.  It also has way too many false endings for any rational mind to handle.  Just when you think it’s about to wrap up, Garcia finds another person’s neck to chomp.  Still, Blood of the Vampires features what I think is the screen’s only swordfight between a vampire and a ghost, so I guess it has that going for it.

AKA:  Curse of the Vampires.  AKA:  Whisper to the Wind.  AKA:  Creatures of Evil.  

THE VENGEANCE OF THE CRYING WOMAN (1974) ** ½

**NOTE:  Today is the 36^th anniversary of the death of El Santo, and I dedicate this review to his eternal memory.  Viva El Santo!

The Vengeance of the Crying Woman offers a slight variation on the established Lucha Libre formula.  This time, instead of El Santo’s sidekick being a masked Mexican wrestling colleague, it’s boxer Mantequilla Napoles lending him a hand.  While it’s nothing revolutionary or anything, Napoles’ boxing sequence is a nice change of pace, especially if you’ve sat through as many of these things as I have.  

A kindly old professor asks El Santo and Mantequilla to help him look for a treasure that once belonged to the legendary “Crying Woman”.  Since the professor wants to donate the gold to local children’s charities, El Santo readily agrees.  He and Mantequilla accompany the professor to a cave that houses the crypt of the now mummified Crying Woman.  When they remove a priceless necklace from the tomb, they accidentally resurrect the Crying Woman, who goes around terrorizing the children in town.  Meanwhile, a nefarious gangster (played by frequent El Santo director Rene Cardona, Sr.) wants to get his hands on the treasure and sends his goons out to hassle El Santo.

There’s plenty of atmosphere to go around, but the various subplots never really mesh.  Although there are highlights to be sure, The Vengeance of the Crying Woman often feels like three movies randomly stitched together.  The scenes of the windswept villainess are striking and strangely beautiful, but the stuff with the gangsters is just kind of routine.  While it’s fun to see Cardona Sr. as the gangster villain, his plotline never really intersects with the Crying Woman in a meaningful way.  Also, it’s a big letdown that neither El Santo nor Mantequilla battle the titular terror.

It’s a shame too, because this is one of the better looking El Santo movies.  I especially loved the Scooby-Doo style scenes of the girls walking around the caves with flashlights.  The shots that alternate from night to day also give the horror sequences a bit of an Ed Wood vibe, which put a smile on my face.

The wrestling sequences look really cheap too.  Both of El Santo’s matches (not to mention Mantequilla’s fight) take place in a ring that is set in front of a blue background with not a fan in sight, only the sound of a crowd.  The fights that occur outside of the ring are solid though.  The sequence where El Santo and Mantequilla get jumped in an alley by a dozen or so of Cardona’s men is the action highlight.

It’s the creepy Crying Woman who steals the movie though.  Her sequences are among the most atmospheric in the entire El Santo series.  Too bad her character almost seems more like an afterthought than an honest to goodness villainess.

AKA:  The Revenge of the Crying Woman.

MITCH ON THE DTV CONNOISSEUR PODCAST

This week, I was a guest on Matt’s DTV Connoisseur Podcast.  We had a great talk about all things Dolph Lundgren, including my in-depth thoughts on Altitude.  Our Dolph discussion can be found here: https://www.talkshoe.com/episode/8308715?fbclid=IwAR2ZQf92_CtPZzqm5DC1JEqN_UJcw4BZzNf2sgiW_WC4RyJA0aS5kE1fJ3Q

NIGHTMARE AT NOON (1988) **

If Mutant left you wanting to see another movie where Wings Hauser and Bo Hopkins team up to save a small town from a zombie outbreak, then Nightmare at Noon has you covered.  In addition to Video Vacuum favorites Wings and Bo, we have Brion James as the albino villain, Friday the 13^th Part 4’s Kimberly Beck as Wings’ infected wife, Laserblast’s Kim Milford as… well… somebody, and George Kennedy as the sheriff.  Now, I know what you’re thinking:  SHOULDN’T BO HOPKINS BE THE SHERIFF?!? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF OPERATION IS DIRECTOR NICO MASTORAKIS RUNNING?!?

The plot has Wings and Kimberly driving across the desert on their vacation.  Along the way, they pick up Bo hitchhiking and decide to stop off in a small town for some breakfast.  That of course just so happens to be the place where Brion James has tainted the water supply so he can monitor what happens when everybody turns into green-faced, kill-crazy, super-strong, mindless killers who bleed green and are annoyingly hard to kill.

Nightmare at Noon would make a good double feature with Mutant as it often feels like a sloppy remake of that flick.  It’s more like The Crazies than Night of the Living Dead and contains way more action than horror as the emphasis is on stunt work (there are shootouts, car chases, and motorcycle crashes aplenty), rather than the zombies.  Leave it to Mastorakis to take a fairly straightforward idea and make it just plain weird.  

Nightmare at Noon certainly has its moments, most of which come from watching the cast bounce of each other.  Hopkins’ knack of saying the word “shit” as three syllables is exploited to its fullest.  Although he and Hauser make for a great team, it’s hardly one of Wings’ best performances.  You know Wings is going to be a bit subdued in this one when one of his first lines is, “I hate microwaved croissants!”   

After an OK set-up and a chaotic middle section, the movie kinda runs out of steam in the third act.  Once the action goes beyond the town limits and Hopkins tracks James on horseback through the desert, the film becomes increasingly dull.  To make matters worse, Wings disappears from the last third of the picture and the elongated helicopter chase that serves as the climax is utterly pointless.

Still, this is the only movie I know of in which a doctor jabs an infected person with a tranquilizer and then blows on the syringe like a cowboy with a pistol, so it has that going for it.

AKA:  Death Street, USA.  AKA:  Maniac City.

THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER (2017) **

Colin Farrell stars as Dr. Murphy, a heart surgeon who forms a strange bond with an awkward teenager named Martin (Barry Keoghan) whose father died on his operating table.  Dr. Murphy welcomes the boy into his home with open arms and gives him extravagant gifts.  His family also takes to the kid, even if their relationship seems a tad inappropriate.  Soon, Dr. Murphy’s son is struck by an inexplicable bout of psychosomatic paralysis.  As his condition worsens, his daughter is also stricken by the disease.  Are their ailments just unfortunate occurrences, or are they somehow linked to Martin’s presence?   

Yorgos Lanthimos’ The Killing of a Sacred Deer sort of has a Kubrickian feel.  It’s populated with cold and detached characters, contains a lot of “Eye of God” camerawork, is full of slow zooms, and features a droning soundtrack.  Lanthimos also utilizes odd camera angles during the long tracking shots to put audience in a state of unease. 

The combination of the deliberate pace, aloof characters, and off-putting subject matter eventually take its toll.  While I applaud the director and performers’ commitment to tone, it doesn’t exactly make it a fun ride.  The film is better in the first half when we don’t quite know the score as Lanthimos effectively doles out information sparingly.  However, it’s decidedly less effective once all the cards have been played.  After a long slog, the movie eventually lumbers towards an unfulfilling finale, which isn’t exactly worth the slow burn. 

There are a few bright spots along the way.  I especially liked the bedroom game Farrell and his wife (Nicole Kidman) play.  There’s no explanation or kink-shaming to their little tryst, and I kind of dug that.  It’s Alicia Silverstone (yes, THAT Alicia Silverstone) who steals the movie as Keoghan’s horny mother who has a finger-sucking fetish.  These moments are amusing, but there aren’t enough of them to make The Killing of a Sacred Deer worth sacrificing two hours of your time. 

THE 2019 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Friends of The Vacuum.  It’s time once again for The 13^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  It’s a most cherished time indeed.  It’s a time when we get to see who fed it and who ate it in the world of cinema.  Today, I’ll be naming the nominees of the prestigious Viddies, and in a week or so (you know, when that OTHER award show is happening), I’ll announce the winners.  So, without further delay, here are your nominees for this year:  

Best Picture

Dolemite is My Name

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Rambo:  Last Blood

Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker

3 from Hell

Worst Picture

Black Christmas

Godzilla:  The Planet Eater

In the Tall Grass

Trading Paint

Triple Frontier

Best Director

J.J. Abrams (Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker)

Craig Brewer (Dolemite is My Name)

Martin Scorsese (The Irishman)

Quentin Tarantino (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)

Rob Zombie (3 from Hell)

Best Actor

Leonardo DiCaprio (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)

Jake Gyllenhaal (Velvet Buzzsaw)

Eddie Murphy (Dolemite is My Name)

Joaquin Phoenix (Joker)

Brad Pitt (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)

Best Actress

Karen Gillan (Avengers:  Endgame)

Linda Hamilton (Terminator:  Dark Fate)

Scarlett Johansson (Marriage Story)

Margot Robbie (Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood)

Sheri Moon Zombie (3 from Hell)

Best Horror Movie

Crawl

Godzilla:  King of the Monsters

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

3 from Hell

Velvet Buzzsaw

Worst Horror Movie

Black Christmas

Doctor Sleep

Godzilla:  The Planet Eater

In the Tall Grass

Pet Sematary

Best Action Movie

Cold Pursuit

Fast and Furious Presents:  Hobbs and Shaw

John Wick:  Chapter 3:  Parabellum

Rambo:  Last Blood

Shaft

Best Comic Book Movie

Alita:  Battle Angel

Avengers:  Endgame

Captain Marvel

Joker

Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans

Best Sci-Fi Movie

Alita:  Battle Angel

Avengers:  Endgame

Captain Marvel

Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker

Terminator:  Dark Fate

Best Sequel

Avengers:  Endgame

Rambo:  Last Blood

Shaft

Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker

3 from Hell

Best Drama

Dragged Across Concrete

The Irishman

Joker

Marriage Story

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Best DTV/Streaming Movie

Dolemite is My Name

The Irishman

Marriage Story

Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans

Velvet Buzzsaw

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie

Godzilla:  The Planet Eater

The Highwaymen

In the Tall Grass

Triple Frontier

Trading Paint

Best Kids’ Movie

The Addams Family

Dumbo

The LEGO Movie 2:  The Second Part

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Teen Titans Go! vs. Teen Titans

Best Fight Scene

Godzilla vs. Ghidrah in Godzilla:  King of the Monsters

Kylo Ren vs. Black Widow in Marriage Story

Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Kylo Ren and Rey vs. The Emperor in Star Wars:  Episode IX:  The Rise of Skywalker

Best Scene I Could Not Make Up

Jeff Fahey playing a grizzled cowboy cyborg with a pack of pet robot hunting dogs in Alita:  Battle Angel

John Wick putting two dozen knives into the same guy in John Wick:  Chapter 3:  Parabellum

Cliff Booth vs. Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Cliff Booth vs. the Manson Family in Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Rambo pulling out a man’s collarbone in Rambo:  Last Blood

Best Dialogue

The Fanatic for “I can’t talk long.  I got to poo.”

Joker for “My mom died.  I’m celebrating.”

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood for “Anybody accidentally kills anybody in a fight, they go to jail.  It’s called manslaughter!”

Rambo:  Last Blood for “You can’t change.  All you can do is put a lid on it”

Shaft for “Can’t we just send him a tersely worded text?”