THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (2019) *

La Llorona, otherwise known as The Crying Woman, is a scary Mexican folktale.  She is a ghostly woman whose cries attracts young, wayward children.  Once she has them in her grasps, she promptly drowns them and disappears.

Her story has previously appeared many times on film.  The Curse of the Crying Woman is one of the greatest Mexican horror movies of all time.  Vengeance of the Crying Woman is a fun El Santo flick that makes good use of her legend.  This is a modern Hollywood gringo retelling for today’s audience.  That means it’s filled with lots of long scenes where people wander around darkened hallways before something jumps out at the camera, and there’s a shrill, piercing sting on the soundtrack.  Give me the good old Mexican movies any day.

Linda Cardellini stars.  You might remember her as Velma from the Scooby-Doo movies.  I think the only thing that could’ve saved this from being a total waste of time is if she lost her glasses and said, “Jinkies!” a bunch of times.

Anyways, she plays a CPS worker who saves some kids from a supposedly abusive foster home.  Really, as we all know, it’s The Crying Woman who’s doing all the abusing.  After the kids wind up dead, The Crying Woman sets her sights on Linda’s children.

And she would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

Most of the alleged suspense scenes are long, drawn out affairs.  Many are bathed in total blackness in lieu of actual atmosphere.  The same clichés are trotted out again and again, with only slight variations throughout the running time.  Just when you thought it can’t get any worse, they stoop to ripping off The Grudge with a scene where a ghostly pair of hands touch a character’s hair while they’re in the tub.  

Which country’s legends are you focusing on?  Mexico or Japan?  Pick a country and stick with it.

The clunky script also calls for characters to do stupid things in the name of suspense, only causing you to mutter “dumbass” under your breath at their sheer stupidity.  Like this one scene where the witch doctor tells someone don’t cross this line because The Crying Woman’s on the other side.  Seconds later, they do just that.  The make-up on La Llorona is cheesy too (she looks like something out of a Full Moon movie), which doesn’t help either.

If there is a silver lining, it’s the appearance of perennial That Guy Raymond Cruz turning up in a sizable role as the witch doctor who tries to cleanse the house of the evil.  Naturally, the family are so stupid that they don’t listen to anything he has to say, which ends up causing them more grief.  If Hollywood keeps making more movies this shitty based on the legend of La Llorona, all I have to say is weep for the future.  

AKA:  The Curse of the Weeping Woman.  

ARIZONA (2018) **

When the housing bubble burst in the early part of the century, many homeowners fell victim to predatory loans, became stuck with mortgage payments they could not afford, and wound up losing their homes.  Arizona is a darkly comic thriller that tries to tap into that frustration to fuel its plot.  It’s a novel and promising set-up, but unfortunately, the follow-through lands with a thud.

Danny McBride stars as a disgruntled homeowner about to lose his house.  He goes to the real estate office and confronts the realtor (Seth Rogen) who sold him his home and they wind up getting into a brawl.  During the scuffle, McBride accidentally kills the guy and is forced to kidnap another agent (Rosemarie DeWitt) who witnessed the whole thing to make her stay quiet.

It’s a great hook.  In fact, the opening twenty minutes or so would make for a terrific short film.  Think Desperate Hours meets The Big Short.  It’s just that the tension soon dissipates once the plot becomes more and more repetitive.  McBride does something stupid, DeWitt escapes, he has to recapture her, and another poor dope winds up dead.  There are only so many variations on this scenario you can do before it gets tiresome.  

First-time director Jonathan Watson does deliver one legitimately effective scene when DeWitt escapes McBride’s home, only to run through an eerily abandoned cul de sac full of empty houses.  It’s a good scene, but nothing in the next hour or so comes close to topping it.  The constant introduction of unnecessary supporting characters also helps break the tension when it really should be heating up.  I like many of the cast members (everyone from Luke Wilson to David Alan Grier turn up at some point).  It’s just every time the film cuts to their bit of side business it pokes a hole in the suspense.  

Despite the casting of many comedic talents, this is more of a kidnapping-gone-wrong thriller.  I enjoyed seeing McBride turning his usual persona into something a bit more sinister.  Too bad his character is one-note and wears thin after the first half-hour.  It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Kaitlin Olson fares the best as McBride’s ex-wife who wants no part in his schemes.  It’s a shame she doesn’t stick around very long because she could’ve made the stay in Arizona more enjoyable.

HEART OF DRAGON (1985) **

Jackie Chan stars as Ted, a hotshot cop who spends most of his off-duty time caring for his childlike brother Dodo (Sammo Hung), who has special needs.  Keeping tabs on his brother is so exhausting that it makes Ted want to run away and join the Navy, so he doesn’t have to put up with Dodo’s shenanigans.  However, when Dodo is kidnapped by criminals, the dutiful Ted runs to his rescue.

Even though Jackie Chan is the star of Heart of Dragon, most of the screen time is devoted to Hung hanging around with a group of kids who act like an Asian version of The Little Rascals.  Their misadventures (going to a restaurant without being able to pay, coercing Hung into posing as a kid’s father when he gets in trouble at school, etc.) are OK, but it really comes at the expense of the action.  

Speaking of action, most of the Kung Fu stuff is limited to the beginning and end of the film.  Jackie gets a bombastic Ramboesque opening sequence that turns out to be nothing more than a training mission.  There’s also a good car vs. motorcycles chase scene that feels like something out of a Police Story sequel.  The finale, set in a building under construction, is more violent than your typical Chan movie, and involves him slicing people with machetes, stabbing them with crowbars, and shooting them in cold blood.  These events are rather shocking, and lack the carefree fun of his stunt-heavy best work.

Still, Jackie and Sammo are quite good together.  Easily the best scene in the movie is when Chan finds Hung’s tutor belittling him for his condition.  Even though many of the scenes of the brothers squabbling are unnecessarily maudlin, this moment when he stands up for his brother strikes the right dramatic balance that the rest of the film fails to achieve.  

Then, there’s the overlong and bizarre denouement featuring Chan going to prison for acting above the law.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before in an action movie, and with good reason too.  It just sucks the life out of the film and makes the last ten minutes a chore to get through. 

AKA:  First Mission.  AKA:  Heart of the Dragon.  AKA:  Powerman 3.

THE HUNTER (1980) ***

Steve McQueen stars in his final role as Ralph “Papa” Thorson, a down and out bounty hunter (loosely based on the real Thorson) taking every job he can to provide for his very pregnant girlfriend, Dotty (Kathryn Harrold).  In the process, he winds up making a lot of enemies, including a corrupt sheriff (Ben Johnson) and a psychotic speed freak named Mason (Tracey Walter).  While Papa is away in Chicago tracking down his next assignment, Mason kidnaps Dotty, and it’s up to the dad to-be to save the day.

Throughout his career, McQueen exceled at playing cool, collected, and badass characters, but this kind of loveable loser fits him like a glove.  He’s still adept in the ass-kicking department.  It’s just that when he does get the jump on his prey, it’s usually by the skin of his teeth.  I especially loved his interactions with his collar-turned-protegee, LeVar Burton.  (Whose role, as legend has it, was originally written for a dog!)  The funniest sequences revolve around McQueen’s inability to parallel park and drive stick shift, which is made even funnier if you know he was such a car nut in real life.

The film is breezy fun, but it’s also episodic to a fault.  It often feels lightweight and slight compared to many other McQueen vehicles, which is probably why it’s usually held in such low esteem.  That’s kind of what I loved about it though.  It almost feels like a pilot for a TV series (which makes sense since director Buzz Kulick was mostly known for his television work), almost like an updating of McQueen’s Wanted:  Dead or Alive, except he’s playing his age, often for comedic effect.  

Some scenes don’t quite work, and the tone sometimes is jarring.  For instance, there’s a Trans Am chase that feels like it came out of Smokey and the Bandit.  Even though it feels goofy and out of step with the rest of the movie, it does have a pretty funny punchline though.  Some parts are almost like a soap opera and then, there’s a big Dirty Harry-style chase in the very next scene.  Despite that, McQueen’s performance is able to hold it all together and keep you engrossed in the film, even when it begins to play like a hodgepodge of different genres.

GERRY (2003) *** ½

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THE ART OF SELF-DEFENSE (2019) ***

Jesse Eisenberg stars as Casey, a meek accountant who is accosted and mugged on a dark street.  After healing from his injuries, he decides to take up karate lessons to learn how to be more masculine and protect himself.  He excels at rudimentary karate and quickly moves up to the rank of yellow belt.  His Zen-like instructor (Alessandro Nivola) takes a shine to Casey and invites him to attend his “night class”, which is much more strenuous, deadly, and possibly illegal.  

The Art of Self-Defense reminded me a bit of Observe and Report as both films contain the same brand of dark humor.  Both also deal with men wrestling with possible mental illness working a job they are unfit to be employed.  There’s also a bit of Fight Club in there as well, as the movie starts out as primarily about fighting, but then takes a foreboding turn in the second act where the characters stop grappling and begin focusing their energy to criminal endeavors.  (Minus the satire though.)  

Eisenberg is ideally cast as the hero.  It’s fun seeing his transformation from introverted geek to alpha male.  It’s Nivola who steals the movie though.  He kinda looks like Armand Assante channeling Bruce Springsteen as the ultra-masculine, self-absorbed, and potentially whack-a-doodle “Sensei”.  He totally disappears into the role and chews the scenery while issuing hilarious monologues about what it means to be a man and the importance doing masculine things.  I know one thing:  If they ever reboot Karate Kid 3 with Nivola in the Terry Silver role, they’d have my $15.

After a rather flawless first half-hour, the film kind of falters once it becomes clear that Nivola is a nut and his night class is a front for his sociopathic tendencies.  Once he starts playing his students against each other and pushing them into illegal extracurricular activities, the fun slowly drops out of the movie.  Naturally, this all leads up to a final confrontation between Nivola and Eisenberg which manages to be surprising, frustrating, but fitting at the same time.  I can’t quite say The Art of Self-Defense is a great movie, but there are enough flashes of brilliance, especially in the early going, to make it a champion.

BOOKSMART (2019) * ½

Booksmart is essentially a female version of Superbad.  That isn’t the worst idea for a movie, but unfortunately, it’s a tone-deaf, clunky, and often times unbearable chore to sit through.  That’s mostly due to the insufferable batch of unlikeable screechy characters that we’re stuck with for 102 painful minutes. 

The film follows the time-honored high school comedy tradition of having two outcast best friends (Kaitlyn Dever and Beanie Feldstein) trying to get laid on the last night of school.  The big difference is that we have two women as our leads and one of them is a lesbian.  This could’ve worked, but there seems to be more of an emphasis on humiliation and heartbreak than anything, which runs against the grain of the silly early scenes.  

Those allegedly comedic scenes feel especially belabored and drawn out.  Working on the conceit that the girls don’t hang out with the popular kids, therefore have no idea where the party is, they must travel from lame party to lame party looking for the big kegger where all the cool kids are at.  All this does is eat up a lot of screen time, and worse, isn’t very funny.  (I think it was about the time the characters were using Harry Potter shit for pick-up lines that I started to mentally tap out.)

All Booksmart really did was make me feel old.  High school is a lot different now than when I went, that’s for sure.  Even though what the girls go through was far removed from my own experiences, the film does very little to make you care about them.  Movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Edge of Seventeen, while vastly different from my days of a teenager, still managed to engage and inform, while giving you characters you could relate to.  This movie has none of that.  

Even worse, is when it finally looks like the gay character has found a compatible match, she winds up vomiting all over her, which just seemed needlessly cruel.  First-time director Olivia Wilde handles these scenes of embarrassment and exclusion without much finesse, which makes them even more uncomfortable to watch.  The pacing especially drags in the second act as Wilde lumbers from one unfunny scene to another without much energy.  

The only real fun comes from a bizarre stop-motion drug trip scene in which our heroines are inexplicably transformed into Barbie dolls.  This sequence has a spark and edge to it that’s missing throughout the rest of the film.  Wilde’s husband, Jason Sudeikis is also good for a laugh or two as the dopey principal, but for the most part, Booksmart is rather witless.