La
Llorona, otherwise known as The Crying Woman, is a scary Mexican folktale. She is a ghostly woman whose cries attracts
young, wayward children. Once she has
them in her grasps, she promptly drowns them and disappears.
Her
story has previously appeared many times on film. The Curse of the Crying Woman is one of the
greatest Mexican horror movies of all time. Vengeance of the Crying Woman is a fun El Santo
flick that makes good use of her legend. This is a modern Hollywood gringo retelling for today’s
audience. That means it’s filled with
lots of long scenes where people wander around darkened hallways before
something jumps out at the camera, and there’s a shrill, piercing sting on the
soundtrack. Give me the good old Mexican
movies any day.
Linda
Cardellini stars. You might remember her
as Velma from the Scooby-Doo movies. I
think the only thing that could’ve saved this from being a total waste of time
is if she lost her glasses and said, “Jinkies!” a bunch of times.
Anyways,
she plays a CPS worker who saves some kids from a supposedly abusive foster
home. Really, as we all know, it’s The
Crying Woman who’s doing all the abusing.
After the kids wind up dead, The Crying Woman sets her sights on Linda’s
children.
And
she would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
Most
of the alleged suspense scenes are long, drawn out affairs. Many are bathed in total blackness in lieu of
actual atmosphere. The same clichés are
trotted out again and again, with only slight variations throughout the running
time. Just when you thought it can’t get
any worse, they stoop to ripping off The Grudge with a scene where a ghostly
pair of hands touch a character’s hair while they’re in the tub.
Which
country’s legends are you focusing on?
Mexico or Japan? Pick a country
and stick with it.
The
clunky script also calls for characters to do stupid things in the name of
suspense, only causing you to mutter “dumbass” under your breath at their sheer
stupidity. Like this one scene where the
witch doctor tells someone don’t cross this line because The Crying Woman’s on
the other side. Seconds later, they do
just that. The make-up on La Llorona is
cheesy too (she looks like something out of a Full Moon movie), which doesn’t
help either.
If
there is a silver lining, it’s the appearance of perennial That Guy Raymond
Cruz turning up in a sizable role as the witch doctor who tries to cleanse the
house of the evil. Naturally, the family
are so stupid that they don’t listen to anything he has to say, which ends up
causing them more grief. If Hollywood
keeps making more movies this shitty based on the legend of La Llorona, all I have
to say is weep for the future.
AKA: The Curse of the Weeping Woman.
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