SPENSER CONFIDENTIAL (2020) ***

As a fan of detective novels, I’m almost ashamed to say I’ve never read any of Robert B. Parker’s Spenser books.  I did, however, watch the awesome show Spenser for Hire starring the one and only Robert Urich with my old man back in the day.  This new adaptation of the character (which went straight to Netflix) doesn’t quite have the same feel to it, but it is nevertheless a solid Marky Mark movie.

Marky Mark stars as Spenser, a cop who goes to prison for beating up a corrupt superior.  On the day he gets out of jail, the dude he turned into a human punching bag gets murdered.  When a good cop confesses to the crime and commits suicide, Spenser smells a rat.  He then teams up with his new roommate Hawk (Winston Duke) to weave through the web of corruption that involves dirty cops, the Irish Mob, and machete-wielding gang members to clear the good cop’s name.  

The first half hour or so of Spenser Confidential is a little rough as it takes an inordinate amount of time to set up the plot and characters. Although the first act is kind of belabored, once we get to know the characters and the writing hits its stride, it becomes quite fun.  (It kind of reminded me of a television pilot in that respect.)  It also suffers from way too many irritating needle-drops on classic rock tunes during transition scenes.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about Marky Mark as Spenser.  He doesn’t really click until the murder plot kicks in.  From then on, he becomes as good of a Spenser as you could hope for.  He has a good rapport with Duke, who is probably the best thing about the movie.  There’s enough chemistry between the two for me to hope for a sequel, now that the cumbersome origin story is out of the way.  

The supporting players are expertly cast too and help give the picture a little more life and spark than you’d expect.  Alan Arkin is quite funny as Spenser’s crochety mentor, who practically steals the show, and Marc Maron makes a welcome turn as a nosy reporter (although you kind of wish his part was bigger).  I also enjoyed seeing Colleen Camp popping up as a trucker.

Director Peter Berg probably will never regain the heights of his directorial debut, Very Bad Things, but he does a decent job with this.  He lets the small character moments play out unrushed and keeps the camera still during the various fight scenes and shootouts.  While I wish the film overall was a bit tighter, I have to admit that by the time Spenser was bearing down on the bad guys in a jet-black semi-truck, I was having fun.

MIDNIGHT SPECIAL (2016) ****

Jeff Nichols’ Midnight Special is a quiet, patient, and powerful movie.  It doesn’t insult the audience’s intelligence by spelling everything out for them.  It unfolds like a fine novel, offering the viewer warm characterizations, uplifting moments, and genuine surprises along the way.  

Taken at face value, it is an amalgam of John Carpenter’s Starman, Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Mark L. Lester’s adaptation of Stephen King’s Firestarter.  There are moments here that freely borrows elements from all three pictures, but Nichols distills their best qualities into one package, and skillfully weaves them together into a wholly unique tapestry of road picture, family drama, and sci-fi wonderment.  

The set-up is simple.  Michael Shannon enlists the help of Joel Edgerton to rescue his son (Jaeden Lieberher) from the clutches of a cult who believes the boy is the ticket to their salvation.  Shannon knows of his son’s special gifts and is desperately trying to reunite him with his mother, played by Kirsten Dunst.  Meanwhile, the FBI is after them and the cult members are also in hot pursuit.  

Like Nichols’ previous collaborations with Shannon, Shotgun Stories and Take Shelter, Midnight Special is a movie about the power of belief and the courage to follow your convictions, even if it borders on fanatism.  I loved how driven both Shannon and Edgerton were that the kid is special and worth risking their lives for.  You don’t even necessarily have to show what makes him so special (although they don’t waste much time doing so) because Shannon and Edgerton believe it so much that you immediately find yourself believing as well.  You instantly get swept up with the characters and are rooting for them every step of the way.  

This is kind of a perfect movie.  The fact that it failed to find an audience at the box office goes to show that.  I can easily imagine someone stumbling upon it on cable and getting hooked into it.  You don’t find great movies.  Great movies find you.  Midnight Special is going to stick with me for a long, long time.

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2U (2019) * ½

There’s a scene about halfway through Happy Death Day 2U where the heroine Tree (Jessica Rothe) says, “I am so done with this shit.”  After watching this back to back with the original, I was starting to feel the same way. 

It begins with a minor character from Happy Death Day finding himself experiencing the same time loop that Tree was stuck inside.  After a lot of longwinded exposition and boring scenes of characters spouting unending scientific gobbledygook about alternate dimensions and multiverses, Tree winds up stuck in a parallel universe that almost (but not quite) resembles her own.  Unfortunately, that means she is still stuck in a perpetual loop where gets killed on a daily basis.  It’s then up to her boyfriend and his team of science nerds to send Tree back to her own time before the psycho in the baby mask finishes her for good.    

The first thing you notice about Happy Death Day 2U is that Rothe looks considerably older than she did in the first movie.  I don’t know if this was done on purpose.  I guess it makes sense since she’s literally been through Hell dozens of times.  My guess is that you can only make a thirtysomething actress look like a college student for so long.

Like its predecessor, Happy Death Day 2U rips off Groundhog Day once again.  This time, it’s even more blatant, especially in the scene where Tree kills herself over and over again.  (Right down to the bathtub suicide.)  At least these moments have some blood (like the woodchipper scene), unlike the bone-dry original.  The movie doesn’t stop at ripping off Groundhog Day.  It also borrows from Halloween 2, lifts the killer reveal from Scream, and the score blatantly steals from Back to the Future. 

Overall, Happy Death Day 2U is more chaotic and less cohesive than the first movie.  Clocking in at a whopping 100 minutes, it’s also overlong to boot.  Still, I’d say it’s slightly better than the original, if only because the scenes of Tree reconnecting with her dead mother hit an emotional chord that was sorely missing the first time around.  It doesn’t completely redeem the character of Tree (who’s just as annoying as she was in Part 1), but it does show that Rothe has a bit more range than you might have originally thought.

AKA:  Happy Birthdead 2 You.

HAPPY DEATH DAY (2017) *

Happy Death Day is a slasher version of Groundhog Day.  That premise is so idiotic and yet so simple that you can imagine a creatively bankrupt Hollywood exec hearing the pitch and then greenlighting it immediately.  The problem is, it’s all pitch and no movie.  

A thoroughly annoying college student (Jessica Rothe) wakes up on her birthday and is killed by a stalker wearing a baby mask.  She then wakes up on the same day and is forced to relive her murder again and again.  Each time she tries to outrun her destiny, the jackass baby face is still is somehow able to kill her.

I can’t believe this became a big hit and spawned a sequel.  Like I said, it’s so idiotic and simple that it just stands to reason that it would clean up with the teenage bubblegum crowd that wouldn’t know a real horror movie if it bit them.  I guess the premise could’ve been tolerated if the gore factor was jacked up or there was a bunch of nudity.  As it is, it’s another one of those watered-down PG-13 deals, so the kills (which almost always revolve around Rothe) are bloodless and weak, and the only nude scene is shown from the back.  

Much of the problem is due to Rothe, who kind of resembles an off-brand Bella Thorne.  Her character is so unlikeable, you’re actually rooting for her to get offed.  Unfortunately, the movie can’t even deliver on that because the kills are like something out of a CW show.  

I mean, her character’s name is “Tree” for fuck’s sake.  At first, I thought it was a nickname.  Like she was an ecology nut.  Or perhaps it was short for something, but no.  Her name is fucking Tree.  I think the moment that cemented my hatred of her came when the characters discuss Groundhog Day and she has no clue what they’re talking about.  She deserved a gruesome death just for that.  

I’m not saying ripping off Groundhog Day is the worst idea in the world.  Remember when Edge of Tomorrow did the same thing?  In that instance, it was all good because that movie took the inspiration and did something novel with it.  No such luck with Happy Death Day.  The filmmakers take an already slim idea and then do absolutely jack shit with it.  There’s even a scene where the filmmakers try to redeem Tree by having her do good deeds for the people she sees every single day, but it comes off less as a moment of character redemption and more like, “Hey, what part of Groundhog Day haven’t we ripped off yet?  Oh yeah, that part where Bill Murray starts doing good deeds.”  The ending is also painfully predictable, which only adds to the feeling of interminable agitation.

AKA:  Happy Birthdead.  AKA:  Half to Death.

CROCODILE (1981) *

I’ve seen a lot of bad Jaws rip-offs in my day, but Crocodile just may be the worst one of them all.  It was produced by Dick (Pieces) Randall, who re-edited and rereleased a Thai killer crocodile flick called Crocodile Fangs on an unsuspecting public.  Somehow, he managed to make it even more incomprehensible.

A hurricane caused by atomic testing ravages a seaside resort.  The storm awakens a giant crocodile that begins gobbling up tourists left and right.  A doctor quits practicing medicine when his entire family is wiped out by the killer croc.  Eventually, he and his buddy get help from a local fisherman to finally stop the crocodile’s reign of terror.

The editing in this movie ranks among the worst in film history.  The attack scenes are especially inept.  First, we see a swimmer or a duck or something splashing in the water.  Then, the editor cuts to a crocodile blinking.  Next, we see the same bather or what have you frolicking around before they are promptly killed by a jump cut.  

The disaster movie-inspired hurricane scenes are even worse.  The shots of piss-poor grass hut models being overran by cascading water are a complete joke.  I did get a laugh though when the locals get killed by the ensuing typhoon, which is to say they just open their front door and get hit in the face with a bucket of water.  

Then there’s the ending.  It features incongruous shots of men in a boat, a toy boat in a bathtub, a fake rubber crocodile, and nature footage of a croc swimming around somewhere.  Finally, there’s a big explosion (READ:  There is a moderate splash in the water), and the movie slowly winds down trying in vain to gaslight us into thinking something actually happened.  

The whole movie is like that.  There are long scenes where nothing happens (the nighttime scenes are so dark you can’t make anything out), and when it finally does, the editing is so schizoid that your brain can’t even process it.  This is especially true whenever the filmmakers try to make the crocodile look enormous by having a regular crocodile walk through a shitty model set.  Then, the next time we see it, it’s nothing but nature footage of a croc, so it just looks regular size.  It’s as if each successive shot makes less sense than the one that came before it.

Since this is a Jaws rip-off, there are all the scenes that you’d expect to see from the subgenre.  (POV shots of the beast slowly inching toward unsuspecting swimmers, a crotchety fisherman agreeing to help catch the beast, shots of the water turning red whenever someone is eaten, etc.)  However, when it’s trying to do its own thing, the film is usually pretty funny.  I admit, I got a big laugh from the part when some divers tried to catch the croc by using a giant bear trap that looked like something out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.  

Those silly moments are few and far between though.  Most of Crocodile is a senseless, depressing, and inexcusable bore.  Put in another way, it’s a giant croc of shit. 

AKA:  Bloody Destroyer.  AKA:  Giant Crocodile.    

THE MARK OF ZORRO (1920) ****

When I was a kid, I was weaned on Zorro reruns on The Disney Channel.  (Remember when The Disney Channel played cool shit like that and not the hot garbage they show now?)  As I grew up, I enjoyed the Antonio Banderas movies just as much, if not more.  Somehow, I never saw Douglas Fairbanks as the original Zorro.  I mean, I saw Zorro, the Gay Blade and even The Erotic Adventures of Zorro, but not the original.  Since I enjoyed Fairbanks in The Thief of Bagdad a few months ago, I figured to give this one a shot.  

This is about the purest hit of swashbuckling action you could hope for.  It moves like lightning and the swordfights, feats of derring-do, and stunt work are jaw-dropping.  Never mind the fact this movie is a hundred years old.  It rocks and it rocks hard.  

Captain Ramon (Robert McKim) is obsessed with capturing the masked man Zorro who goes around avenging wronged Native Americans who have been abused at the hand of the Captain’s men.  He tells of his inability to best Zorro to the rich bachelor Don Diego (Fairbanks) blissfully unaware that Diego is in fact Zorro.  Meanwhile, Diego’s father pushes him into an arranged marriage with Lolita (Marguerite De La Motte) who finds him to be a cold fish.  Zorro on the other hand, she has the hots for.  When Lolita and her family are imprisoned by the Captain, Zorro springs into action to save them.

There is no fat on this thing whatsoever.  It is wall to wall action with the barest minimum of plot development.  That works in the movie’s favor.  Because of that, we learn about the characters not through dialogue or plot devices, but through their deeds.  The action itself is breathtaking, funny, and rousing, and the romance comes naturally from the two leads’ chemistry.  

You can see how this movie inspired everything from Batman to The Lone Ranger to The Dread Pirate Roberts.  Fairbanks cuts such a dashing figure that his Zorro deserves mention alongside those iconic characters.  You can also imagine the creators of Superman taking a page from Zorro’s secret identity here as Don Diego is a bit of a dork.  He’s always fatigued, doing magic tricks, or making shadow puppets, which easily makes him more like Clark Kent than Bruce Wayne.  

Also, we have to talk about how progressive this movie is.  Nearly every single western at the time and for decades to come portrayed Native Americans as villains or stereotypes.  Zorro sticks up for them, which is refreshing.  He also protects victims of sexual harassment and teaches their attackers a lesson.  Heck, when he rescues the damsel in distress he even lets HER give him a kiss, which tells us he knows a thing or two about consent.  Dude, Zorro is woke as fuck.  And this was a hundred freaking years ago.  

What elevates Fairbanks’ Zorro into the upper echelon of movie heroes is the way he inspires the people around him to take action against the villains.  He doesn’t just do good.  He inspires others to greatness.  That right there is the true mark of a hero.

BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN (1925) *** ½

During quarantine, I’ve devoted most of my movie-watching time to lightweight, disposable entertainment.  (Aside from the occasional downbeat and depressing flick like Tetro and The Nightingale, that is.)  Looking back, I should’ve spent that time on films I SHOULD have seen by now, but somehow haven’t.  I’m not going to make a fulltime column about it or anything, but going forward, I will try to try and catch up on some of the all-time cinema classics that have somehow escaped me all these years.  

We start by going all the way back nearly a hundred years with Sergei Eisenstein’s highly influential Battleship Potemkin.  This is one of those movies that’s been copied so many times over the years that I’ve seen not only the movies that have ripped it off, but also the movies that ripped off the rip-off.  (For example, I’ve seen The Untouchables, which rips off the iconic Odessa Steps sequence from this flick AND Naked Gun 33 1/3, which parodies the scene in The Untouchables, but I’ve never seen the original.)  How did it stack up?  Let’s see!

First, a quick plot rundown.  Russian sailors grow increasingly dissatisfied with their untenable work environment aboard the titular vessel.  Things come to a boiling point when they’re expected to eat maggot-ridden meat.  When the captain threatens to shoot the men for not eating their inedible food, the sailors stage a revolt.  One sailor dies during the mutiny and the incident sparks the people of Odessa to call for a revolution.

The first thing we notice about Battleship Potemkin is that if you strip away the black and white and subtitles, it’s a very modern looking film.  The editing is much tighter and refined than most of the silent films of the era.  There’s a rhythm to the editing that most pictures of the time lacked which helps makes the mutiny scene quite suspenseful.    

The vast crowd sequences are also impressive.  There was no CGI back then.  Nope, Eisenstein had to corral hundreds of extras and capture it all on film, which gives these scenes an added dimension of awe. 

Then there’s the Odessa Steps sequence.  It’s as every bit as good as its reputation.  Not only is it surprisingly suspenseful (even if you are already familiar with the basic beats of the scene), it’s surprisingly bloody (for the time) too.  

The problem is, after that scene, the movie continues on for a good fifteen minutes or so.  While the conclusion is fitting, it’s nowhere near as suspenseful or memorable as the Odessa Steps sequence.  There’s a reason why filmmakers rip that scene off and not the finale.  Still, despite the lukewarm climax, Battleship Potemkin remains a quintessential building block in the foundation of the language of cinema.  For that alone, movie buffs are sure to enjoy it.

AKA:  Potemkin.  AKA:  The Armored Cruiser Potemkin.