HAPPY DEATH DAY (2017) *

Happy Death Day is a slasher version of Groundhog Day.  That premise is so idiotic and yet so simple that you can imagine a creatively bankrupt Hollywood exec hearing the pitch and then greenlighting it immediately.  The problem is, it’s all pitch and no movie.  

A thoroughly annoying college student (Jessica Rothe) wakes up on her birthday and is killed by a stalker wearing a baby mask.  She then wakes up on the same day and is forced to relive her murder again and again.  Each time she tries to outrun her destiny, the jackass baby face is still is somehow able to kill her.

I can’t believe this became a big hit and spawned a sequel.  Like I said, it’s so idiotic and simple that it just stands to reason that it would clean up with the teenage bubblegum crowd that wouldn’t know a real horror movie if it bit them.  I guess the premise could’ve been tolerated if the gore factor was jacked up or there was a bunch of nudity.  As it is, it’s another one of those watered-down PG-13 deals, so the kills (which almost always revolve around Rothe) are bloodless and weak, and the only nude scene is shown from the back.  

Much of the problem is due to Rothe, who kind of resembles an off-brand Bella Thorne.  Her character is so unlikeable, you’re actually rooting for her to get offed.  Unfortunately, the movie can’t even deliver on that because the kills are like something out of a CW show.  

I mean, her character’s name is “Tree” for fuck’s sake.  At first, I thought it was a nickname.  Like she was an ecology nut.  Or perhaps it was short for something, but no.  Her name is fucking Tree.  I think the moment that cemented my hatred of her came when the characters discuss Groundhog Day and she has no clue what they’re talking about.  She deserved a gruesome death just for that.  

I’m not saying ripping off Groundhog Day is the worst idea in the world.  Remember when Edge of Tomorrow did the same thing?  In that instance, it was all good because that movie took the inspiration and did something novel with it.  No such luck with Happy Death Day.  The filmmakers take an already slim idea and then do absolutely jack shit with it.  There’s even a scene where the filmmakers try to redeem Tree by having her do good deeds for the people she sees every single day, but it comes off less as a moment of character redemption and more like, “Hey, what part of Groundhog Day haven’t we ripped off yet?  Oh yeah, that part where Bill Murray starts doing good deeds.”  The ending is also painfully predictable, which only adds to the feeling of interminable agitation.

AKA:  Happy Birthdead.  AKA:  Half to Death.