CROCODILE (1981) *

I’ve seen a lot of bad Jaws rip-offs in my day, but Crocodile just may be the worst one of them all.  It was produced by Dick (Pieces) Randall, who re-edited and rereleased a Thai killer crocodile flick called Crocodile Fangs on an unsuspecting public.  Somehow, he managed to make it even more incomprehensible.

A hurricane caused by atomic testing ravages a seaside resort.  The storm awakens a giant crocodile that begins gobbling up tourists left and right.  A doctor quits practicing medicine when his entire family is wiped out by the killer croc.  Eventually, he and his buddy get help from a local fisherman to finally stop the crocodile’s reign of terror.

The editing in this movie ranks among the worst in film history.  The attack scenes are especially inept.  First, we see a swimmer or a duck or something splashing in the water.  Then, the editor cuts to a crocodile blinking.  Next, we see the same bather or what have you frolicking around before they are promptly killed by a jump cut.  

The disaster movie-inspired hurricane scenes are even worse.  The shots of piss-poor grass hut models being overran by cascading water are a complete joke.  I did get a laugh though when the locals get killed by the ensuing typhoon, which is to say they just open their front door and get hit in the face with a bucket of water.  

Then there’s the ending.  It features incongruous shots of men in a boat, a toy boat in a bathtub, a fake rubber crocodile, and nature footage of a croc swimming around somewhere.  Finally, there’s a big explosion (READ:  There is a moderate splash in the water), and the movie slowly winds down trying in vain to gaslight us into thinking something actually happened.  

The whole movie is like that.  There are long scenes where nothing happens (the nighttime scenes are so dark you can’t make anything out), and when it finally does, the editing is so schizoid that your brain can’t even process it.  This is especially true whenever the filmmakers try to make the crocodile look enormous by having a regular crocodile walk through a shitty model set.  Then, the next time we see it, it’s nothing but nature footage of a croc, so it just looks regular size.  It’s as if each successive shot makes less sense than the one that came before it.

Since this is a Jaws rip-off, there are all the scenes that you’d expect to see from the subgenre.  (POV shots of the beast slowly inching toward unsuspecting swimmers, a crotchety fisherman agreeing to help catch the beast, shots of the water turning red whenever someone is eaten, etc.)  However, when it’s trying to do its own thing, the film is usually pretty funny.  I admit, I got a big laugh from the part when some divers tried to catch the croc by using a giant bear trap that looked like something out of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.  

Those silly moments are few and far between though.  Most of Crocodile is a senseless, depressing, and inexcusable bore.  Put in another way, it’s a giant croc of shit. 

AKA:  Bloody Destroyer.  AKA:  Giant Crocodile.