JACKIE CHAN: KUNG FU MASTER (2010) **

A teenage boy (Zhang Yishan) who idolizes Jackie Chan runs away from home to meet him and become his disciple.  Somewhere along the way, he gets kidnapped by a gang of pickpockets who hold him for ransom.  Eventually, the kid escapes thanks to a helpful policewoman (Jiang Hongbo) who takes him in.  When he learns Chan is filming a movie nearby, he runs off yet again and sneaks onto the set hoping to meet his idol. 

Jackie Chan:  Kung Fu Master is a well-meaning and heartfelt drama masquerading as a Jackie Chan movie.  Jackie appears only in the lame fight scene in the beginning that turns out to be a film within a film inside a dream sequence and once again in the finale.  (He also turns up in an airport safety video.)  Since nearly all the focus is on the annoying kid, much of the film is a bit of a chore to get through.  At first, I thought it was going to be kind of like a variation on the Chuck Norris flick, Sidekicks, but unfortunately, Chan is given even less to do here than Chuck. 

It also hurts that the fight scenes are subpar, and the comedy stuff is unfunny.  (The fast motion running gag is particularly weak.)  The humor is especially ill-fitting once the kidnapping subplot rolls around.  In fact, the whole thing has an uneven, episodic feel to it and very few sequences flow organically into the next.  (Most are just strung together by the kid’s half-assed narration.)

If you’re okay with watching a movie with the words “Jackie Chan” in the title that features very little Jackie Chan in it, then you may like Jackie Chan:  Kung Fu Master.  The rest of us will no doubt be disappointed.  I will say in its favor that the eventual meeting between Jackie and his starstruck fan hits all the right notes, but it’s ultimately too little, too late.

AKA:  Looking for Jackie.  AKA:  Looking for Jackie Chan.  AKA:  Jackie Chan and the Kung Fu Kid.

DOOM: ANNIHILATION (2019) **

Doom: Annihilation is a sequel/reboot to 2005’s Doom.  It follows in the cinematic tradition of Mortal Kombat in that it’s another sequel to a video game movie that uses the word “Annihilation” for its subtitle.  I guess I could say it’s a better film than Mortal Kombat:  Annihilation, although that isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement.

A group of space marines go to the Mars moon of Phobos on a rescue mission.  There, scientists have discovered an ancient teleporter that connects our planet to other worlds.  Naturally, once they go through the portal, it brings forth monsters who bite people and turn them into mutant zombies.  It’s then up to the team to blow away as many of those suckers as possible. 

The first movie had good turn by The Rock, a decent plot twist, and at least one cool first-person shooter scene.  The rest of it was sort of insufferable.  I can say none of those things about this one as it’s consistently mediocre throughout.  There are no real highlights here, but there are no glaring missteps either. 

At all times, Doom:  Annihilation looks and feels like an early 2000s Syfy Channel show.  That will be your litmus test.  If you want to see a beloved video game franchise turned into an early 2000s Syfy Channel show, then you will probably eat it up.

For the most part, all of this is watchable.  However, it looks pretty cheap, and most of the monsters look like half-assed zombies.  You also have to wait a while before real monsters show up, and even longer to see the BFG.  Sadly, the filmmakers never let the heroine make good use of it. 

Speaking of which, Amy Manson gives about as good of a lead performance in this as you could hope for.  She’s tough and likeable and takes her role very seriously, even if the movie doesn’t.  She also looks convincing bossing around the other soldiers.  I will say the awkward romance with the dorky scientist feels forced, but hey, this is a fourteen-years-later-DTV-sequel-to-a-video-game-movie-starring-The-Rock we’re talking about here, so I’ll cut it some slack.

Overall, Doom:  Annihilation is rudimentary on just about all levels.  It aims low, but it hits its mark.  There’s something to be said for that.  It’s been a while since I played the game, so I’m not sure how some die-hard fans will take to it.  For me, it was an OK way to kill ninety minutes and change.

CHILD’S PLAY (2019) ***

I resisted seeing this remake of the 1988 horror classic in theaters (mostly because it didn’t stay very long).  I love everyone’s favorite foulmouthed killer doll, Chucky.  Heck, even the sloppy, uneven sequels are endearing to me.  It just seemed sacrilegious to reboot the franchise, especially given the fact that no one from the original was involved.  

I’m glad I waited a year or so to stream it in the comfort of my home because with lowered expectations, it turned out to be a lot of fun.  It’s just different enough from the original to justify its existence while still retaining the nasty edge that makes the series so great.  It’s consistently funny and has a cruel mean streak a mile wide.  Also, the gore that is just as over the top as some of the later sequels.  In short, it’s a legit Chucky flick. 

The bare bones of the original plot is the same.  A single mom (Aubrey Plaza) gets a talking doll for her son, Andy (Gabriel Bateman).  The big difference is that instead of being a riff on Cabbage Patch Kids mania, this Chucky is sort of a walking, talking Alexa.  This Child’s Play is less a parody on kiddie consumerism and more of a parable about inviting seemingly harmless technology into your home that will ultimately turn on you.  That means Chucky can synch himself up to the family’s devices and use the cloud to tap into everything from the house lights to the Roomba to driverless cars to drones to wreak havoc on his victims. 

Another interesting change is that it’s not voodoo that causes the doll to become malevolent, but a disgruntled employee who sabotages its wiring.  What separates this iteration of Chucky from the original series is that he’s not initially evil.  In fact, his main goal is to protect Andy from harm (or at least what he perceives to be harm.)  He only goes psycho once he’s spurned by Andy, who finds “real” friends.  In fact, you kind of feel bad for the little sucker, which is a compliment to the sharp writing and the stellar vocal performance by none other than Mark Hamill.  Hamill refuses to go over the top with the character and manages to imbue Chucky with a hint of sympathy.

Naturally, all that goes out the window once Chucky starts slicing and dicing.  I’m happy to say that the gore is often gnarly and some of the set pieces work better than you’d expect.  I had mixed feelings about director Lars Klevberg’s previous film, Polaroid, but there was enough there to suggest he had potential.  Child’s Play proves me right.  He gives the flick a sense of style that helps set it apart from the original franchise and injects a fun spirit that was more than appreciated by this horror fan.  (The nods to other horror and genre classics work very well.)  

While the film stops short of being a home run, it is consistently entertaining throughout and Klevberg delivers a killer finale.  As far as comparing the remake to the originals, I’d say this is probably the third or fourth best one, which is high praise coming from such a dyed in the wool Chucky fanatic.  I enjoyed this one so much that I am hopeful that both the original series and this new franchise can coexist peacefully.  I wouldn’t mind seeing new entries in both universes for years to come. 

WHEN WOMEN HAD TAILS (1970) *

Earlier this week, the international film community suffered a terrible loss with the passing of the incomparable film composer, Ennio Morricone.  I wanted to pay tribute to the man who gave us such stirring scores to classics like A Fistful of Dollars, Once Upon a Time in the West, and The Thing by reviewing a movie he scored that I hadn’t seen before.  Unfortunately for me, that flick was When Women Had Tails.

Morricone’s scores could often turn disposable exploitation junk into something quirky and fun.  His music could take an already great film and elevate it into art.  Sad to say, he couldn’t do a heck of a lot with this supremely shoddy Italian caveman sex comedy.  

Seven cavemen baby brothers are placed in a basket that accidentally gets sent downstream.  As the years go by, the isolated caveboys grow up into cavemen and learn to live off the land.  Their world is soon turned upside down by the discovery of a sexy cavegirl (Senta Berger) who knows more than a little about doing the prehistoric nasty.  Naturally, the alpha male of the group (Giuliana Gemma) wants her all to himself and has to fight the other cavemen for her affections.

A good 90% of the jokes land with a painful thud.  The stuff with the cavemen trying to ride a camel, discovering fire, and inventing a set of wings to make them fly like birds are infantile, stupid, and just plain unfunny.  There’s also an attack scene featuring one of the least convincing bear costumes in screen history.  The only memorable part comes when Berger tries to give the clueless Gemma a crash course on primitive lovemaking, although I can’t exactly call it “funny”.  

Morricone’s music has some of the vocal choral stylings he’s known for.  They don’t add much to the proceedings, except to hammer home how allegedly hilarious the Neanderthal numbskulls are.  I wish I could’ve paid tribute to Morricone with a more fitting film, but when you have over five hundred credits in a career that spans over sixty years, you undoubtedly will get a clunker from time to time.  No matter how bad When Women Had Tails is (and it’s plenty bad), I’m glad I could use this review as an opportunity to say goodbye to one of the premier composers of our time.  Happy trails, Ennio.  

DARLIN’ (2019) ***

Darlin’, writer/director Pollyanna McIntosh’s sequel to the modern-day classic, The Woman begins with The Woman (once again played by McIntosh) dumping her teenage offspring, Darlin’ (Lauryn Canny) at the hospital in the middle of the night.  The wild, animalistic girl is taken in by the local Bishop (Bryan Batt) who places her in his Catholic school for wayward young girls.  The Bishop soon gets a hairbrained scheme to reform Darlin’ and make her over as a proper lady to show the world Jesus truly does save.  (Not to mention act as free publicity for his school.)  

Let’s just say, it does not go well. 

Darlin’ is frustrating at times, as its uneven tone and pacing prevents it from really taking flight.  Much of that has to do with the fact The Woman takes a backseat to her daughter for so much of the running time.  MacIntosh was such a force of nature in the original that it’s a little dismaying to see her playing most of the film from the sidelines.  Occasionally, she pops up now and then to remind you she’s still there (and to pad out the body count a bit).  These scenes don’t add much to the movie, especially the subplot with her taking up with an army of homeless women.  Still it’s just nice to see her covered from head to toe in muck again, even if she is relatively subdued this time around. 

The character of Darlin’ more than makes up for whatever flaws the movie has.  Canny totally creates a character you care about and root for.  It’s hard to see the finale (which I wouldn’t dream of spoiling) as anything short of a tragedy as (given her circumstances) Darlin’s prospects of either damnation or salvation look equally horrifying (and disgusting).

Overall, Darlin’ doesn’t come close to matching The Woman in terms of putting the audience through the wringer.  However, it does something surprisingly different while remaining thematically similar AND managing to keep the storyline from the original moving forward.  That alone is some kind of a high-wire act.  It has a personality all its own, while still feeling very much a part of its predecessor’s world.  (There are stretches that feel like a horror movie version of Lady Bird.)

I also like how this is the second time the female lead of a Lucky McKee movie went on to direct a sequel/remake of that film.  MacIntosh follows in the footsteps of Angela Bettis who directed the companion piece to McKee’s May, the underseen Roman.  While her performance here isn’t as revelatory as it was in The Woman, as a director, she shows so much promise that I’m already looking forward to her next feature, whatever that may be.  Now, will someone please let Misty Mundae direct a sequel to McKee’s Masters of Horror entry, Sick Girl so the trilogy of actresses-directing-sequels-to-McKee-movies can be complete! 

POLAROID (2019) **

Polaroid is yet another variation on The Ring.  This time, instead of people being murdered by a vengeful entity after watching a cursed videotape, they are murdered by a vengeful entity after having their picture taken by a cursed Polaroid camera.  As far as these things go, it’s far from the worst Ring rip-off I’ve seen.  (It’s certainly more entertaining than either the Japanese original or the American remake.)  However, it’s not a patch on Fear Dot Com, the G.O.A.T. of Ring retreads.

While Polaroid is a notch or two better than your average lame PG-13 horror flick, it’s still essentially a lame PG-13 horror flick.  By that, I mean most of the deaths are tame and the monster looks shitty.  (He often looks like a guy wearing a fucking sheet.)  Also, the premise kind of feels like an extended Goosebumps episode.  You also have to deal with a handful of scenes that are so bathed in darkness that it’s hard to make out what the hell is happening. 

What keeps Polaroid from slipping down to the bottom rungs of the PG-13 horror ladder is the lead performance by Kathryn Prescott.  Her character, Bird is a quirky, sarcastic loner who is immensely likeable and someone you actually give a shit about, which is a rarity it seems in the genre these days.  Director Lars Klevberg (who went on to direct the Child’s Play remake) delivers the goods during scenes where the teens are harmed whenever their pictures are defaced.  He gives us a solid fire attack scene and the part where a guy is ripped in half pushes the boundaries of the PG-13 rating.  These little moments aren’t enough to completely save the movie, but they help keep your interest from waning. 

Polaroid had a long road to release.  It was pulled from the Dimension slate after the whole Harvey Weinstein debacle and sat on the shelf for two whole years until it wound up premiering on Netflix.  While it’s not great by any means, it probably deserved a better fate. 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN VENICE (2017) ** ½

Bruce Willis stars as a down and out ex-skateboarder-turned-ex-cop-turned-private-dick who works out of Venice Beach with his annoying sidekick Thomas Middleditch.  While trying to repo his buddy’s car, Willis accidentally draws the ire of a local drug kingpin (Jason Momoa), who takes his revenge by stealing Bruce’s dog.  Naturally, the dog winds up changing owners several times in the course of a day, leading Bruce on a harebrained quest to get it back. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for these Tarantino knockoff crime comedies.  They don’t make too many of them anymore, at least any that are worth a damn, so it’s kind of fun to spot one in the wild.  Like so many of these things, Once Upon a Time in Venice features a lot of surf music on the soundtrack, characters making pop culture references, and shots from inside a trunk.  (In addition, there’s also a Fight Club-inspired scene of a character faking his way into a support group.)  Nobody in their right mind would call this a classic (or a return to form by Willis for that matter), but it’s a pretty funny, empty calories flick that at least has the benefit of a good cast playing an array of colorful characters.  

Bruce has been accused of sleepwalking through his movies lately, but he (mostly) shows up for this one.  Although it was hardly a challenging role, he seems funnier and looser here than he’s been in a while.  John Goodman has some good moments as his surfer dude best friend who sometimes joins him on a job as back-up.  They have genuine chemistry together, enough to make you wish they were working with stronger material.  Momoa also seems to be having fun with what is admittedly a stereotypical role. 

Once Upon a Time in Venice comes to us from the writers of Cop Out, which also starred Willis.  I liked that one more than most, and I’m probably on the same arc of the spectrum with this one.  It’s not great by any means but liked it more than your average critic. 

In fact, the beginning is a lot of fun and gave me hope this would actually be some sort of minor classic.  It starts off great with a funny bit where Willis gives a foulmouthed pep talk to a bunch of skateboarding kids.  There’s also a memorable scene where some bad guys get the drop on Bruce while he’s in the throes of passion, forcing him to escape into the night in the nude.  This leads to an extended chase where he evades his pursuers while skateboarding naked through the streets of Venice.  The moment where some cops stop him and cause him to conceal his gun in an unlikely holster is the perfect cherry on top of this already funny sequence. 

Despite a breezy and amusing first act, the film starts to chase its tail ironically enough when Bruce’s dog gets stolen.  Once he goes out looking for his lost pooch, the movie slowly begins to run out of steam.  The ending feels a bit anticlimactic too.  Although most of the cast is fun to watch, I could’ve easily done without Middleditch’s character entirely (he also acts as the completely gratuitous narrator), and I was a bit miffed that Famke Janssen was totally wasted in two forgettable scenes.  Still, despite all that, it’s still kind of refreshing to see a DTV flick that at least tries to color outside the lines, even if the results are a bit messy. 

AKA:  L.A. Rush.  AKA:  L.A. Vengeance.