WHEN WOMEN HAD TAILS (1970) *

Earlier this week, the international film community suffered a terrible loss with the passing of the incomparable film composer, Ennio Morricone.  I wanted to pay tribute to the man who gave us such stirring scores to classics like A Fistful of Dollars, Once Upon a Time in the West, and The Thing by reviewing a movie he scored that I hadn’t seen before.  Unfortunately for me, that flick was When Women Had Tails.

Morricone’s scores could often turn disposable exploitation junk into something quirky and fun.  His music could take an already great film and elevate it into art.  Sad to say, he couldn’t do a heck of a lot with this supremely shoddy Italian caveman sex comedy.  

Seven cavemen baby brothers are placed in a basket that accidentally gets sent downstream.  As the years go by, the isolated caveboys grow up into cavemen and learn to live off the land.  Their world is soon turned upside down by the discovery of a sexy cavegirl (Senta Berger) who knows more than a little about doing the prehistoric nasty.  Naturally, the alpha male of the group (Giuliana Gemma) wants her all to himself and has to fight the other cavemen for her affections.

A good 90% of the jokes land with a painful thud.  The stuff with the cavemen trying to ride a camel, discovering fire, and inventing a set of wings to make them fly like birds are infantile, stupid, and just plain unfunny.  There’s also an attack scene featuring one of the least convincing bear costumes in screen history.  The only memorable part comes when Berger tries to give the clueless Gemma a crash course on primitive lovemaking, although I can’t exactly call it “funny”.  

Morricone’s music has some of the vocal choral stylings he’s known for.  They don’t add much to the proceedings, except to hammer home how allegedly hilarious the Neanderthal numbskulls are.  I wish I could’ve paid tribute to Morricone with a more fitting film, but when you have over five hundred credits in a career that spans over sixty years, you undoubtedly will get a clunker from time to time.  No matter how bad When Women Had Tails is (and it’s plenty bad), I’m glad I could use this review as an opportunity to say goodbye to one of the premier composers of our time.  Happy trails, Ennio.