CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE FANTASTIC MAGIC BABY (1975) ** ½

This was the second part of a double feature of Shaw Brothers classics I DVR’d from El Rey.  It’s been sitting in the machine idle ever since June 1^st, 2017.  How can I neglect a movie called The Fantastic Magic Baby like that?

Directed by Chang (The Assassin) Cheh, The Fantastic Magic Baby is an adaptation of Journey into the West, a classic of Chinese literature.  Since it is deeply rooted in Chinese tradition, culture, and folklore, it’s all a little confusing for a decadent westerner like me.  Still, it’s colorful, weird, and short (only 61 minutes long), so it’s hard to completely dismiss.

The gods send their son Red Boy (Ting Wa-Chung) down to Earth to collect an offering from the humans.  When Red Boy is insulted, he kidnaps a ruler.  It is then up to his faithful companions Monkey King (Lau Chung-Chun) and his pal Pigsy (Chen I-Ho), a dude with a pig snout and long ears, to get the ruler back. 

The Fantastic Magic Baby is a weird fucking movie, which is okay, because I like weird fucking movies.  However, there are a couple of things that prevent it from really taking off and becoming a WTF classic.  First off, the so-called “Fantastic Magic Baby” is just an upstart teenager, so if you were expecting a Kung Fu Baby or something, you are going to be sorely disappointed.  That’s strike one.  Strike two is the fact that the fight scenes are more like something out of a Peking Opera dance routine than a Venom Mob movie.  In fact, many times, the film just stops cold for a little mini-dance number.

The good news is there isn’t a strike three.  Despite the rip-off of a title character and watered-down action, The Fantastic Magic Baby is almost weird enough to let all that slide.  Sometimes, it resembles a Chinese version of The Wizard of Oz, what with the walking Kung Fu trees, humans in shitty animal make-up, and impromptu dance numbers.  It even has a contrived ending that relies heavily on deus ex machina, just like The Wizard of Oz.  So, if you don’t go in expecting a typical martial arts movie and think of it as more of The Wizard of Kung Fu Oz, it will go down a lot smoother.  All this is wildly uneven to be sure, but you could certainly find worse ways to spend 61 minutes. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE ASSASSIN (1967) ** ½

Here’s another flick from the block of El Rey programming that’s been clogging up my DVR since June 1^st, 2017.  It was broadcast as part of “Morning Martial Arts” during a Chang Cheh double feature.  The other movie was the incredibly titled, The Fantastic Magic Baby, which I just can’t wait to get to. But first, let’s talk about The Assassin. 

The Assassin stars the great Jimmy Wang Yu (the same year he collaborated with Cheh for the iconic The One-Armed Swordsman) as a martial arts student who has a sweet romance with a peasant girl.  When an upper-class swordsman tries to put the moves on her, Jimmy defends her honor and is challenged to a duel.  At the duel, the asshole tries to give Jimmy a cheap shot and is disqualified.  He then gets his revenge by telling the government Jimmy’s teacher is a rebel spy, leading to his murder.  Even though Jimmy is a great swordfighter, he’s also something of a mama’s boy, and when his mother forbids him from exacting revenge, he opts to drop out of sight and become a lowly butcher.  Once his mother kicks the bucket however, Jimmy grabs his blade and sets out on a bloody path of vengeance.

The first act of The Assassin is a good sampler of what makes the work of Chang Cheh so great.  It’s filled with scenes of honor, chivalry, and of course, bloody swordfights.  Things sort of settle down once Wang Yu puts away his sword though.  I mean it’s one thing for Jimmy to sit around and twiddle his thumbs, but the movie kind of does the same thing too.  The romantic subplot that occurs midstream also helps to bog things down (although it does account for a quick glimpse of nudity).

The final reel is a real sizzler though, so that helps to overcome many of the film’s pacing problems.  It is here where Jimmy Wang Yu does all the things you’d want to see him do, namely, fly around on wires, reverse-motion jump onto high walls, and stab the shit out of hundreds of guys.  Even then, the movie manages to go on with five extra minutes of unnecessarily tying up loose plot threads that didn’t need to be tied up in the first place. 

Ultimately, The Assassin isn’t the definitive pairing between Yu and Cheh one would hope for.  Still, it’s worth checking out for action fans who enjoy old school Shaw Brothers martial arts movies.  It’s just a shame that there’s a huge chunk where fuck-all happens, which is the reason I can’t give it the full *** treatment.

AKA:  The Great Assassin.

THE EMPIRE OF DRACULA (1967) ***

After a long drag-out fight, Baron Draculstein (Eric del Castillo) is finally staked and crumbles to dust.  His familiar eventually revives the bloodthirsty Baron and he soon sets out putting the bite on more comely females.  It’s then up to our stock hero type to come along and put an end to Draculstein’s reign of terror. 

One of the things I love about these Mexican horror movies is that they have great names for their monsters.  In The Invasion of the Vampires, it was Count Frankenhausen.  Here, we get Baron Draculstein. 

The Empire of Dracula was directed by one of the greats of Mexican horror cinema, Federico Curiel, and it is a solid vampire potboiler.  The lap-dissolve transformation, decaying, and resurrection scenes look like something out of an old Universal movie, and Curiel takes a few visual cues from Tod Browning’s original Dracula as well.  The scenes involving a rogue carriage will remind you of Nosferatu too.    

The scene where Draculstein is resurrected is a bit kinkier than your typical vampire movie of the day.  The familiar suspends a busty woman above Drac’s coffin, jabs her in between the boobs, and lets the blood cascade down onto the Baron’s corpse.  It definitely feels like something that would be in a risqué Hammer film.

Like the other Mexican vampire movies I’ve been watching, The Empire of Dracula follows its own set of rules.  You know how most vampires can’t see their reflections in a mirror?  Well, the vampire babes in this one can actually walk through mirrors.  It’s a neat touch that is at the very least memorable. 

As with many of these things, the plot gets extremely bogged down whenever it’s just a bunch of people sitting around and talking.  This wasn’t helped by the fact that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  Although Curiel can’t always keep the film moving, he sure keeps the camera moving around a lot, which at least helps amp up the atmosphere a little.

He also piles on the action to compensate for the talky passages.  In addition to the lengthy fistfights and brawls that occur throughout the film, Curiel delivers one heck of a crackling sequence when Drac hops aboard a speeding coach and attacks the driver while the horses are plowing full steam ahead.  This sequence feels almost like something out of a western and is brimming with action, suspense, and great camerawork.  The hero also gets into a great swordfight with the Count, which culminates in the crossed swords creating a cross-shaped shadow, causing the bloodsucker to retreat.  Hey, when your Mexican vampire flick is packed with this much action, who needs subtitles?

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: BUS DRIVER (2016) ***

Here’s another film from the old DVR, this one recorded off the El Rey Network.  One of the saddest things about cutting the cable cord was not being able to watch El Rey on a regular basis as they had quite an eclectic line-up of movies.  Bus Driver was part of a morning block I recorded that includes two Shaw Brothers Kung Fu flicks I hope to review very soon. 

Bus Driver is a fun and surprising low budget actioner that is a real sleeper.  The only names in the cast are Robert Forster, who plays a general, and Michael Bailey (The Hills Have Eyes remake) Smith as the villainess’ right-hand man.  It’s kind of like a roadside variation of a Die Hard clone.  Instead of the wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time guy being a cop, it’s a bus driver.  There’s also an element of First Blood too as the hero everyone assumes to be just an ordinary citizen happens to be a former super soldier with a deadly skill set. 

Said bus driver (Steve Daron) is hauling a bunch of disciplinary problems around in a school bus on a field trip.  When the bus gets a flat tire, they go to a nearby ranch for help.  Naturally, that’s where a mess of drug dealers are hiding out.  When the kids uncover their stash, the leader (Holly Elissa) orders her goons to kill them.  Of course, the only one who can save the day is the seemingly unremarkable bus driver who unbeknownst to everyone used to be a kick-ass soldier before he started driving buses. 

Daron underplays the hero role and is a bit one-note, but that only helps to perfectly set up his character.  Once he starts to kick ass, he does start to have something of a screen presence, but not much.  Elissa’s villainess character is well done though as she proves to be an interesting foil for Daron.  Unfortunately, Forster only appears in the end as the Col. Trautman-like character in a scene that looks like it was intended to set up a sequel (which I would totally be down for).  It’s Steven Chase who steals the movie though, giving a fun performance as the foulmouthed chaperone “Gooch”.  We also get a great turn by Olivia Alexander as the sexy slut of the group who sexts everyone topless pics of herself and engages in a completely gratuitous but totally awesome sex scene. 

This scene just serves to underline that Bus Driver isn’t meant to be taken seriously for a second.  It also wastes no time getting down to the nitty gritty, which is greatly appreciated.  It’s only 75 minutes long, and it only takes about 15 of them before the boobies, bullets, and blood starts flying.  Director Brian Herzlinger does a nice job on the action scenes given the budgetary restraints.  I especially liked the sequences that rewind and fast forward so the audience can see just how resourceful our hero can be.

I thought Herzlinger’s name sounded familiar, so I looked him up on IMDb.  I was shocked to find out he’s the guy who made that My Date with Drew movie where he basically stalked Drew Barrymore.  As it turns out he also … uh… directed My Truth:  The Rape of the Two Coreys.  I haven’t seen those two movies, but if Bus Driver is any indication, Herzlinger should probably stick to making fun action-comedies like this one.

Like its main character, Bus Driver doesn’t look like much, but it’s got it where it counts.  Beyond its unassuming exterior lies a fun little B picture with a sense of humor.  It knows exactly what it is and how to get the job done.  You have to respect that.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE (2016) ***

Okay, so we’re only about a week away from the annual 31 Days of Horror-Ween festivities where I watch nothing but horror movies for a month straight, followed by November’s Halloween Hangover where I watch all the horror movies I didn’t get to watch in October.  When I started the Al Adamson marathon in August, I thought that would carry me over into October, but as it turned out, I was able to finish earlier than expected.  I could start the 31 Days celebration a week early, but I figured I would instead take the time to do a little fall cleaning and watch as many movies from my DVR as I can before the end of September.  Since there are a few horror flicks sitting in the DVR, I may save them for later and watch some of them as part of the 31 Days marathon if and when I have a chance to squeeze in an extra movie or two.  For now, I’m going try to declutter all the films that have been sitting in my DVR for the past three years or so (over 170 hours’ worth, to be more precise).

First up is Central Intelligence.  I think I added this when I had a free preview of HBO (the date on the DVR said April 25, 2017).  Usually whenever we got a free preview of something, I would just tape as many movies as I could and come back and watch them later, even if it wasn’t something I was particularly interested in.  Central Intelligence kind of falls into that category.  I mean, I would watch it, but I wouldn’t necessarily pay to see it, so it made sense to put it on the DVR during a free preview.

Kevin Hart stars as an accountant who peaked in high school.  When he was a teenager, he witnessed a fat kid being bullied and tried to help him.  Twenty years go by, and that kid has now transformed into Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who friends Hart on Facebook and suggests they go out for drinks.  Turns out he’s a rogue CIA agent who needs Hart’s accounting skills to stop an online transaction between a shadowy hacker and a terrorist group.  Predictable action-comedy hijinks ensue. 

Central Intelligence is exactly the movie you think it’s going to be.  There are no surprises here as the film follows a cliched action-comedy formula that has already been done several times over several decades.  That isn’t exactly a bad thing, especially when the leads have so much chemistry together and the laughs are there. 

Obviously, the action will not be mistaken for The Raid.  However, director Rawson Marshall (Dodgeball:  A True Underdog Story) Thurber injects just enough humor into the scenarios to make it work.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see The Rock get punched by a motorcycle, or use a banana as a deadly weapon, here’s your chance.  The humor doesn’t always hit the mark (the cameos vary in degrees of success), but it’s hard not to like any movie in which The Rock threatens to rip out someone’s throat “like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse”. 

The film’s strong suit is the interplay between The Rock and Kevin Hart.  You can tell they are just having a ball playing off of one another and their repartee is just funny enough to make you forget about all the cliches (it’s another one of those high school reunion movies) and predictable plot points (like the true identity of the villain).  I also have to give the poster props for having the tagline:  “Saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson”, easily the best tagline since The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio’s “It’s not his nose that grows!”

All involved clearly had a blast working with one another as Hart and The Rock later went on to star in two Jumanji movies together and Thurber and The Rock went on to team up for Skyscraper and the upcoming Red Notice.

THE WORLD OF THE VAMPIRES (1961) ***

It was kind of interesting to compare and contrast The World of the Vampires with the other Mexican Vampire movie I watched the other day, The Invasion of the Vampires.  Both manage to shake up the traditional vampire lore by making up their own weird rules, which is kind of ballsy and fun.  While the overall quality of Invasion was all over the place, it still managed to crank out a handful of striking and impressive visuals.  World, on the other hand, is more consistent in its approach and embraces the B-level production design (the familiar cobweb-strewn Churubusco Azteca Studios sets are trotted out yet again), which makes everything go down much smoother.

The evil Count Subotai (Guillermo Murray) rises from the grave and sacrifices a woman on his altar.  He then vows revenge on the Colman clan who originally killed him a hundred years ago.  He sets his sights on turning the latest Colman descendent, Leonor (Erna Martha Bauman, who was also in The Invasion of the Vampires) into a bloodsucker.  It’s then up to a scientist of music and the occult named Rudolph (Mauricio Garces) to stop the Count from putting the bite on her. 

Murray isn’t particularly great as the Count.  (He’s no German Robles, I’ll tell you that.)  He often looks perplexed and the giant cartoonish fangs they give him to wear don’t exactly help.  However, he looks at home playing weird skull-encrusted pianos and ordering around a bunch of zombies with Paper Mache faces, so he has that going for him.

The most fun aspect of The World of the Vampires is how it incorporates music into the vampire legend.  The character of Rudolph is a great twist on the typical Van Helsing character.  Music is his forte, and he’s perfected a theory of how the particular arrangement of musical notes can affect his surroundings.  There’s a great scene where he attends a dinner party and plays a song that could “wake the dead” that ends with the Count mysteriously appearing in the living room.  Conversely, when he plays a song that vampires hate, it drives the big-eared, wild-eyed vampire minions mad.  Who needs holy water when you can just tickle the ivories? 

Another departure from the usual vampire lore is the fact that when you are bitten by a vampire, you turn into… a werewolf?!?  One way that the vampires keep with tradition is the fact that they can be killed with a stake through the heart.  You would think that knowing this, the Count wouldn’t have installed a giant pit filled with sharp stakes at the bottom, right in the middle of his lair.  I mean it was only a matter of time before someone slipped and was impaled by them.  I don’t know what they’re smoking down there south of the Rio Grande, but it is of the high-grade available-only-with-photo-I.D. variety.

Whereas there were moments in Invasion that felt like a Mario Bava movie, World is content to evoke the look of an old Universal horror programmer.  (The scenes with the vampire’s brides are clearly cribbing from the 1931 version of Dracula.)  Even with the crummy masks, shitty half-assed werewolves, and silly bats, it proves to be more engaging and fun, despite not reaching the atmospheric heights of The Invasion of the Vampires.  One thing is for sure, The World of the Vampires isn’t your typical tired old retread.

THE INVASION OF THE VAMPIRES (1965) ** ½

A small town is plagued by a rash of unexplained murders.  An investigator of the supernatural named Dr. Ulysses (Rafael del Rio) arrives on the scene and asserts it is the work of Count Frankenhausen (Carlos Agosti), a bloodthirsty vampire.  It doesn’t take long before the good doctor falls for the virginal Brunhilda (Erna Martha Bauman).  Naturally, Brunhilda is the vampire’s next target and Dr. Ulysses sets out to watch her back and protect her neck. 

The Invasion of the Vampires is an interesting yet uneven South of the Border horror flick that suffers from a severe whiplash of quality.  There are moments here of pure cinematic beauty that are almost immediately undermined by an unyielding onslaught of boring exposition and soap opera theatrics.  Despite that, fans of Mexican horror movies are probably apt to ride out the rough passages in order to get to the good stuff. 

The episodic feel adds to the overall patchiness of the film.  Not even the humorously atrocious dubbing can save the interminable dialogue scenes.  These long, dull stretches will have your eyelids lowering in no time.  On the plus side, the vampire stuff is strong enough to almost singlehandedly save it.  The sequences where a vampire woman takes a stroll through the fog and walks into a lake would look at home in a Mario Bava picture.  If B movie cheesiness is more your taste, the hero’s fight with a giant bat will certainly fit the bill. 

If you manage to tough it out through the dull spots, you will be rewarded with a pretty neat twist ending, that I for one didn’t see coming.  Some purists may cry foul since it flies in the face of the traditionally accepted vampire lore.  For this horror movie junkie, it just looked so cool visually that I couldn’t help but go with it.  It’s not quite enough to save the flick, but it should be enough to leave a lingering impression on you long after you see it.