CLEANING OUT THE DVR: BLOOD SAND (2015) ***

(DVR’ed from Showtime Beyond on March 23, 2018 during a Showtime Free Preview Weekend)

Teenagers awaken on the beach after a night of non-stop partying with little memory of the night before.  They soon learn the hard way that if they touch the sand, tiny tentacles lurking beneath the surface will drain them of their blood and suck them down into the ground.  While stuck high and dry in various places (lifeguard stand, immobilized car, trashcan, etc.) they must work together to overcome the subterranean menace. 

Blood Sand is a surprisingly entertaining amalgam of Blood Beach, Tremors, “The Raft” segment from Creepshow 2, and the old childhood game of The Floor is Lava.  The opening sequence of teens filming themselves partying it up on the beach had me expecting the worst as I was afraid this was going to be another Found Footage horror flick.  Thankfully, director Isaac Gabaeff quickly scraps that angle and almost immediately gets the movie down to business. 

The cast do a fine job of selling the potentially silly premise and help to make it feel grounded (no pun intended) in reality.  Brooke Butler and Megan Holder are believable as the two rivals for their man’s affections who put their beef on hold to survive the night.  Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh also puts in a memorable turn as the perpetually topless first victim.  It’s Jamie Kennedy who steals the movie though as the asshole beach cop who cluelessly stumbles upon the scene mid-movie. 

Blood Sand is a little bit better at each turn than it has to be as Gabaeff gets a lot of mileage out of the slim plot and limited location.  That is, until the final reel, which comes as a bit of a letdown.  The full-grown monster is kind of chintzy (Ray Harryhausen did the whole tentacle monster thing better in the ‘50s with It Came from Beneath the Sea) and the CGI is fairly crappy overall.  The gore is better than average though, which helps.  What really matters is how Alex Greenfield and Ben Powell’s script consistently finds new ways to wring genuine suspense out of the characters’ predicament. 

In short, Blood Sand is a shore winner.   

AKA:  The Sand.  AKA:  Killer Beach.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE BYE BYE MAN (2017) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Showtime 2 on March 23, 2018 during a Showtime free preview weekend)

Back in the mid ‘90s, Stacy Title directed the star-studded cult flick The Last Supper.  For whatever reason, she was never able to really capitalize on her early promise.  Other than directing the dreadful Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horrors, she hasn’t done a whole lot since.  At least she was able to grind a paycheck out of this moderately entertaining, competent, but generic PG-13 horror flick.

College student Elliot (Douglas Smith) buys a house for dirt cheap and fixes it up with the help of his girlfriend (Cressida Bonas) and best bud (Lucien Laviscount).  They soon learn it’s haunted by the sinister figure known as “The Bye Bye Man” (Doug Jones) who gets inside their heads and messes with their minds.  Eventually, they can’t trust their own eyes as the Bye Bye Man puts images in their brains and tries to make them commit murder.

Even though this is all rather bloodless PG-13 horror stuff, Title tries her darnedest to keep you engaged.  She uses a lot of camera movements and long takes to help put the audience in the character’s shoes.  I’ll take that over a bunch of ill-advised jump scares any day.  The green-tinged cinematography also helps to saturate the film in a deathly pall, even if they kind of go overboard with it at some junctures.

There is a kernel of an interesting idea here.  If you say the Bye Bye Man’s name aloud to someone, they too will be driven insane by his visions.  It’s a subtle metaphor for teenagers who are afraid to talk about their problems, and the more they keep it bottled up inside, the worse it becomes.

While it’s a potentially potent idea, the film is pretty much undone by the weak villain.  I mean he’s just a tall pasty dude wearing a hoodie.  Those guys are a dime a dozen.  Jones has played some memorable monsters before, but unfortunately, this is not one of them.

Smith, Laviscount, and Bonas make for a solid trio.  They’re certainly more likeable than most of their PG-13 horror movie counterparts, that’s for sure.  We also get some extended cameos by name stars like Carrie-Anne Moss, Faye Dunaway, and Leigh Whannel, although they don’t really stick around for too long.

It’s Jenna (Terrifier) Kanell who makes the biggest impression as the sexy psychic who holds a séance at her friends’ housewarming party.  You know, when you’re doing seances in your new home the first night you have company, you’re just asking for trouble.  Next time maybe play Scattergories or something. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RUPTURE (2017) *** ½

(DVR’ed from The Movie Channel on February 17, 2018)

Steven Shainberg has had an interesting career.  He started out with the bleak Jim Thompson adaptation Hit Me before becoming something of a critical darling for 2002’s Secretary, which for my money is still the best BDSM movie of all time.  Whatever critical praise he garnered from that flick was quickly squandered when he made the universally panned Fur:  An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus.  It took him a good ten years to get his next directing gig after that fiasco, but he made quite a comeback with this bleak and brutal sci-fi/horror/survival flick starring Noomi Rapace. 

She stars as a divorced mom on her way to a date with her new boyfriend.  She gets a flat tire and is kidnapped by some shady folks who take her to an underground clinic, strap her to a gurney, and proceed to perform a bunch of horrifying “tests” on her where they make her confront her worst fears.  Noomi eventually discovers the doctors aren’t trying to scare her to death.  Rather, they want to scare her to the point of “rupture”, which is probably just as bad, if not worse.

Essentially, this is kind of like Captivity Meets Martyrs with a little bit of Invasion of the Body Snatchers thrown in there.  The plot is predictable, but the game cast help to elevate it into being something more than just another psychological horror show.  Rapace is aces as the smart, resourceful, and feisty heroine.  She does her best John McClaine as she crawls around ventilation shafts, dodges despicable scientists, and tries to survive the night.  It also helps that the trio of doctors, Michael Chiklis, Lesley Manville, and Peter Stormare are perfectly cast.  Each one brings their unique energy to their roles and together make for a formidable threesome.

Is Rupture kind of predictable?  Yes.  (It’s probably no coincidence that there’s only a one letter difference in the words “Rupture” and “Rapture”.)  Does it feel like a variation on Martyrs?  Sure.  However, the way Shainberg doles out the clues, sets the atmosphere, and ratchets up the tension is expertly done.  Writer Brian (Hard Candy) Nelson also posts an interesting concept:  Is your greatest fear the very thing that’s holding you back from your achieving your potential?  If you’re in Noomi’s shoes, you might not like the answers, but if you’re an audience member, you’ll probably enjoy the movie. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE BELKO EXPERIMENT (2017) ***

(DVR’ed from Cinemax on February 16, 2018)

It seems like an ordinary day in an office building in Bogota, Columbia when all of a sudden, a voice comes on the intercom and tells the workers they must kill one another in order to survive the day.  Initially, they shrug it off, thinking it’s a prank, but when steel shutters surround the building, blocking their escape, they suspect their predicament is all too real.  When they fail to execute their co-workers in a timely fashion, random people begin dying, thanks to explosive chips implanted in their heads.  Eventually, the employees come to grips with their grisly situation and begin terminating the staff. 

Written by James (Guardians of the Galaxy) Gunn and directed by Greg (Wolf Creek) McLean, The Belko Experiment is a none-too subtle metaphor about cutthroat business practices, predatory co-workers, and overly hostile work environments.  Just because Gunn and McLean skimp on subtlety doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.  I mean, the premise is admittedly kind of thin.  (It’s The Office Meets Battle Royale.)  When you’re making a movie with this many exploding heads, subtlety is kind of overrated.

Yes, the plot is probably the sort of thing that might’ve been best suited to a short film, or maybe even a horror anthology.  Thankfully, Gunn’s smart and funny script, coupled with McLean’s no-nonsense direction help propel the film along at a rapid pace.  While the plot is a bit skimpy, there aren’t many wasted moments.  Every scene builds on top of one another, so there’s no gratuitous padding to get in the way of the fun. 

It helps that the heavies are expertly cast.  Tony Goldwyn can do this kind of scumbag yuppie role in his sleep by now.  However, he finds new ways to make this archetype even more despicable.  John C. McGinley is also a lot of fun to watch as the sex pest of the group who adapts to the role of executioner way too easily. 

We also have Gunn regulars Sean Gunn as the office’s resident conspiracy theorist, Michael Rooker as the kindly janitor, and Gregg Henry as the mystery man who is pulling the strings.  If you’re a fan of Gunn’s work, you should certainly enjoy seeing all of them popping up.  John Gallagher, Jr. is a bit milquetoast as the hero, but that’s kind of what the role requires as he is one of the few voices of reason.

Even though most of the horror comes from the “What Would You Do?” scenario, the gore is solid all the way around.  Fans of exploding heads will surely dig it as it contains almost as many exploding head effects as a Scanners movie.  Even though most of the kills come courtesy of boring old gunfire, we still get a few choice impalements, axes to the face, and skull crushings too. 

In short, The Belko Experiment is a fast-moving, down-and-dirty, three-chord horror movie.  It’s content to resist the temptation to exceed its grasp and that restraint results in a consistently entertaining little flick.  It certainly beats a day at the office, I’ll tell you that.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: RAZORBACK (1984) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on January 28, 2018)

Razorback was the feature directing debut for Russell Mulcahy, who made quite a name for himself directing several music videos, most notably Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf”.  (The band’s “New Moon on Monday” is even heard in one scene.)  Right away, it established the trademark style that would run throughout his career in films like Highlander, Ricochet, and The Shadow.  It was written by the prolific Everett de Roche, who was also responsible for a slew of other Ozploitation flicks of the era including Long Weekend, Patrick, and Road Games.

The film follows in the Jaws mold as it’s about a giant killer animal (in this case, an enormous boar) running amok and eating people.  (The crusty old big game hunter has more than a little bit of Quint in him.)  There’s also a touch of Psycho in there too as the female lead gets offed early on.  It probably could’ve done without the gratuitous opening that crassly exploits the “A dingo ate my baby” case, except… you know… with a giant boar instead of a dingo.

Beth (Judy Morris) is an American reporter who goes to the Australian outback to do a story on kangaroo poachers.  She sticks her nose in where it doesn’t belong, and pretty soon a pair of skeevy poachers try to have their way with her.  They are interrupted by the killer razorback and while they escape, the disgusting boar gobbles up poor Judy.  Her husband Carl (Gregory Harrison) soon arrives on the scene to get revenge on the putrid piggy with the help of a grizzled hunter (Bill Kerr) and a sexy college student (Arkie Whiteley).

Mulcahy’s cinematic gymnastics, coupled with the excellent cinematography by Dean (The Road Warrior) Semler help disguise the fact that Razorback is just another interchangeable When Animals Attack flick.  You know the old saying, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  Well, there you go.  For fans of the genre, it should fit the bill.  The final showdown is solid and Mulcahy delivers at least one quality jump scare. 

The problem is the erratic pacing.  All the stuff at the beginning with the poachers feels like filler.  Almost as if the filmmakers wanted to squeeze in a “message” before getting down to the nitty gritty.  Also, unlike, say Steven Spielberg, Mulcahy can’t really milk the suspense for all its worth when he’s keeping the killer animal hidden from the audience’s view.  Whenever the razorback is shown in all its glory, the movie manages to come to life.  However, when Harrison (who makes for a dull leading man) is busy trekking through the outback or wasting his time with the annoying poachers, this boar is a bore.   

AKA:  Razorback:  Destructor.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: AUDREY ROSE (1977) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on November 17^th, 2017)

Janice (Marsha Mason) notices there’s a strange man who is always following her daughter Ivy (Susan Swift) around.  As it turns out, his name is Elliot (Anthony Hopkins), and he’s convinced Ivy is the reincarnation of his dead daughter, Audrey Rose.  She and her husband (John Beck) think he’s nuts at first, but when Ivy begins reliving Audrey Rose’s violent death on a nightly basis, they soon have to face the possibility that Elliot is the only man who can save her.

Audrey Rose is a handsomely mounted, low key, slow burn horror movie directed by Robert Wise, who knows a thing or two about handsomely mounted, low key slow burn horror movies.  It was written by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the book the movie was base on.  The film unfolds slowly, much like a novel, and the way Wise and De Felitta drop the pieces into place throughout the first act is quite effective. 

I also enjoyed the second act, which bears more than a little resemblance to The Exorcist in many respects.  As a parent, the scenes of Mason and Beck helplessly standing by as their daughter suffers night after night, hit home.  There is also something unsettling about the idea of allowing a strange man into your home to comfort your daughter.

All the mood and tension drain out of the movie in the third act when it abruptly changes gears and becomes a courtroom drama, of all things.  It’s almost as if someone changed the channel and left the TV on an episode of Matlock or something.  Although the final “test” scene is well done, the back-and-forth during the trial, not to mention the melodramatic shit between Mason and Beck, pretty much sink the whole affair.

Mason, it must be said, is a bit miscast.  She’s not bad, but all she really gets to do is act hysterical and look longingly at Hopkins for help.  Beck fares quite well as the dickhead husband who has his head so far up his ass, he can’t see that Hopkins only wants to help.  Hopkins ties it all together nicely.  His twitchy, sweaty, committed performance keeps you watching, even once the film has completely gone off the rails.

They say you shouldn’t remake good movies.  The thought is you should only remake ones that almost worked, but somehow fell short.  I’d say Audrey Rose would be a prime candidate for a remake.  It might be the only way for this reincarnation-tinged horror flick to… ahem… find another life. 

De Felitta later wrote The Entity.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1975) ** ½

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on October 25, 2017)

From Beyond the Grave was the final Amicus anthology horror movie.  It was the directing debut of Kevin Connor, who would go on to direct The Land That Time Forgot and Motel Hell.  None other than Peter Cushing stars in the “Wraparound Segments” (***) as a mischievous shopkeeper who sells cursed antiques to any customer who tries to cheat, steal, or chisel him. 

The first story is “The Gatecrasher” (***).  David Warner buys a mirror from Cushing for way below asking price.  Much to his horror, the ghost of a Jack the Ripper-like killer lives in the mirror and compels Warner to go out and find him fresh victims. 

This sequence kicks off with a terrific séance scene where the camera rotates around the table to all the participants while a candle flickers in the foreground.  The shots of the ghostly Ripper appearing in the fog-shrouded mirror are also well done.  Although it kind of runs out of steam as it reaches its predictable conclusion, it’s hard not to love a horror story that manages to graft Jack the Ripper into The Little Shop of Horrors.  (The Ripper even says, “FEED ME!”)

The second tale is “An Act of Kindness” (** ½).  It revolves around a henpecked husband (Ian Bannen) who befriends a kindly old street merchant, played by Donald Pleasence.  Touched by his generosity, the peddler invites him to his flat for tea and to meet his weird daughter Emily (played by Donald’s real-life daughter, Angela).  Eventually, he forms a bond with Emily who offers him a way to get rid of his wife for good.

Despite a pair of fine oddball turns by the Pleasences, this entry is slight and a bit underwhelming.  The voodoo angle that occurs as the story is nearing the homestretch is kind of clunky, and the ending feels sort of rushed.  Diana Dors is quite good though as Bannen’s shrew of a wife, although she is a bit underused. 

“The Elemental” (***) stars Ian Carmichael as a customer who switches price tags on a snuff box in Cushing’s shop.  While traveling on a train, a dotty old psychic (Margaret Leighton) warns him he has an “elemental” (an invisible impish demon) on his shoulder.  He brushes her off, but when the elemental tries to kill his wife (Nyree Dawn Porter), he calls on the psychic to perform an unorthodox exorcism. 

Although this story is played (mostly) for laughs, it all works very well.  Leighton is a hoot as the batty clairvoyant.  It often looks like Carmichael is on the verge of cracking up during her hysterical histrionics.  Naturally, things revert back to horror for the twist ending.  While the turn of events is completely predictable, it in no way undermines the fun.

The final story, “The Door” (**), finds Ian Ogilvy buying a haunted door from Cushing.  Sometimes when he opens the door, it leads to a 17^th century dungeon where he goes to hang out to read a spell book.  Things become problematic when the sorcerer who originally opened the portal shows up to collect Ogilvy’s soul. 

This segment is the simplest, and ultimately weakest of the lot.  At least the finale is strong.  I especially liked the bit where every time Ogilvy damaged the door, it damaged the sorcerer’s face.  It also has the novelty of containing the only happy ending in the collection.

All in all, this is a solid collection of horror stories.  While it offers a modicum of fun, it doesn’t quite top Amicus’ other anthologies like The House That Dripped Blood, Tales from the Crypt, or Asylum.  Still fans of the genre (and Cushing) should be pleasantly entertained.

AKA:  The Creatures from Beyond the Grave.  AKA:  The Creatures.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE AWAKENING (1980) **

(DVR’ed from Turner Classic Movies on September 17, 2017)

Charlton Heston stars as an archeologist who neglects his very pregnant wife (Jill Townsend) for his work.  He ditches the soon-to-be mommy for a long-dead mummy and while he’s raiding the tomb, her womb goes boom, and her baby is doomed.  However, there’s no need for gloom because when Chuck opens the tomb, the kid comes back to life in the delivery room.  Eighteen years later, the kid grows up to be Stephanie (Remington Steele) Zimbalist, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or an Egyptologist) to figure out she’s the reincarnation of the mummy.  

The Awakening was directed by Mike Newell, who went on to direct Four Weddings and a Funeral.  I won’t hold that against him though because there are a lot more than just one funeral in this movie.  People are killed a la The Omen via snapped cables, impromptu traffic accidents, booby traps, and falling glass, just to name a few 

Based on a novel by Bram Stoker, The Awakening can be slow going at times.  However, those murder set pieces aren’t too shabby and help to keep it from being a total slog.  Those hoping for an honest to goodness mummy movie will probably be severely disappointed as the traditional bandaged mummy shenanigans are practically nonexistent.  It’s closer to The Omen than anything.  In addition to the aforementioned death scenes, it basically has the same theme:  Dealing with the possibility your child might be evil incarnate. Too bad the complete non-ending threatens to ruin the entire enterprise.

Some fun can be had from seeing the laughable wig and glasses Chuck wears for 2/3 of the picture to show he’s aged eighteen years though.  It was also neat to see a pre-Emperor Ian McDiarmid turning up as a shrink.  The cinematography by the great Jack Cardiff is solid too. 

So, overall, it’s uneven as hell, but there are enough bright points to make sure you won’t fall asleep on The Awakening. 

AKA:  The Wakening.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: STROSZEK (1977) ***

I taped this off Turner Classic Movies on September 7, 2017.  It was part of a Werner Herzog marathon, and this was the only one I hadn’t seen.  It tells the tale of Bruno Stroszek (Bruno S.), who gets out of jail after serving a long stretch for alcohol-fueled infractions.  First thing he does when he gets out is go to the bar, order a beer, and bring a hooker home.  This Stroszek is my kind of dude.  When he finds out the streetwalker, whose name is Eva (Eva Mattes), is still being beaten up by her pimp, he convinces her to go with him and his old fogey roommate (Clemens Scheitz) to Wisconsin to begin life anew. 

Like most Herzog movies, Stroszek has a weird allure to it that most filmmakers just can’t replicate.  From using a mentally challenged leading man to the preemie ward scene, there are moments here that run the gamut from hauntingly beautiful to downright bizarre.  All of this is wildly uneven to be sure, and sometimes the stories behind the making of the film outshine the finished product itself.  (Herzog decided to film in Plainfield, Wisconsin just because it was the birthplace of Ed Gein.)

The film is essentially broken into two halves.  The first is Stroszek getting out of jail and befriending Eva.  The second is their Wisconsin adventure.  Both have their definite ups and downs.  The German-set scenes are sometimes dawdling, but that kind of adds to the offbeat “hang out” kind of vibe.  The Wisconsin scenes are a bit of a mixed bag too as the finale goes on far too long.  (How many shots of dancing chickens does one need?) 

I can’t say Stroszek is a perfect movie.  What I can say is that it’s a strange, unique, and sometimes poignant one.  It is simultaneously a love letter to and a condemnation of the American Dream as we know it.  So, because of that, it’s definitely worth checking out.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE PHANTOM THIEF (1946) ** ½

I taped this off Turner Classic Movies on September 2, 2017.  It is the eleventh in a series of fourteen Boston Blackie movies starring Chester Morris.  It’s not one of Blackie’s best, but it’s a decent installment all things considered. 

This time out, Blackie’s sidekick, The Runt (George E. Stone) gets in hot water when he tries to help a childhood friend.  Together, they unwittingly steal a valuable necklace and soon, the cops are hot on their trail.  The pair turn to Boston Blackie for help, and before long, they wind up on the doorstep of a phony spiritualist, who invites them to a front row seat to his show.  Naturally, when the lights go out, The Runt’s buddy winds up dead.  The blowhard Detective Farraday (Richard Lane) arrives on the scene and as usual, wants to throw the book at Boston Blackie.  It’s then up to Blackie to escape Farraday’s clutches and get to the bottom of the mystery.

Although the overall quality of The Phantom Thief is a bit inconsistent, the séance scenes are a lot of fun, which helps make this entry feel like an old Monogram movie and/or Old Dark House murder mystery.  One sequence features hovering horns, a bedsheet ghost, and a disembodied hand flying about.  The bit where The Runt comes face to face with a floating skeleton is pretty funny too.  I just wish journeyman director D. Ross Lederman (who also directed the next Boston Blackie film, Boston Blackie and the Law) had leaned into the horror aspects a little more.

Other than that, there’s nothing else here to really separate The Phantom Thief from the other films in the Boston Blackie series.  The mystery itself isn’t particularly involving, and despite the hour-long running time, the pacing is a bit sluggish in the second half.  There are some amusing moments sprinkled about (like Blackie’s penchant for disguises), and Morris’ charm carries the movie a long way.  I don’t think it would be enough to convert newbies to the world of Boston Blackie, but it’s a serviceable sequel, nonetheless. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: JASON BOURNE (2016) * ½

I recorded this off HBO (I think we might’ve actually been getting HBO at this point and not just waiting around for free previews, but I can’t exactly remember) back on July 28, 2017. 

After sitting out the fourth Bourne movie, The Bourne Legacy, Matt Damon returned for the fifth in the franchise, Jason Bourne.  I don’t know why they just didn’t go ahead and call it Bourne Again.  Or perhaps ReBourne.  Then again, when has Hollywood done anything that’s made sense? 

I think the most accurate title for this boring mess would’ve been Still Bourne.

Now I’ve never been a big Bourne fan.  The first one was OK, but I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the Paul Greengrass-directed sequels.  That’s mostly because they relied far too heavily on shaky-cam bullshit, and not just during the action sequences, but for the dialogue scenes as well.  Unfortunately, Damon brought him along to the party for this installment.  You know what that means:  We’re in the shaky-cam city limits once again.  (For the record, I never saw Damon-and-Greengrass-less The Bourne Legacy, so it might even be good for all I know.)

Almost out of spite, Greengrass lets the shaky-cam shit fly right out of the shoot.  He piles it on from the very first frame and never looks back either.  You can’t even have a shot of someone picking up a telephone or a simple glimpse at a computer monitor without the camera jittering around or zooming in and out unnecessarily.  I think it’s about time he let the cameraman switch to decaf.

It’s hard to say what lured Damon, Greengrass, and company back for this one as the script is trite and cliché.  I mean they even do the Hot Shots Part Deux thing where Bourne has been spending all his time away participating in underground boxing tournaments.  The cliches don’t stop there as Bourne’s old acquaintance (Julia Stiles) quickly arrives on the scene to coax Bourne out of hiding with the old promise of There’s More to the Story You Don’t Know^TM.  Naturally, that leads to her murder, which sends Bourne on a Quest for Revenge^TM.  Oh, and would you be surprised to know it all has to do with our Hero’s Daddy Issues^TM?

I guess the crappy craftsmanship and cliched script could’ve been somewhat forgiven if we had a character we actually cared about.  Too bad Damon turns in what has got to be his all-time worst performance.  He looks barely awake half the time and doesn’t even emote once.  Unless you count glowering at a CIA agent or grimacing while being punched “emoting”.

The villains are pretty bland too, which is odd since they got some big names to fill their shoes.  Tommy Lee Jones is the Big Bad CIA Head Who’s Hiding Something^TM, Alicia Vikander is the Upstart Computer Hacker Looking to Make a Name for Herself^TM, and Vincent Cassel is the Rugged, Determined Assassin Who’s Hot on the Hero’s Trail^TM.  Everyone goes through the motions without doing anything memorable, which is a disappointment to say the least.

All the cliches and non-entertainment would’ve been okay if the action was competent.  With Greengrass at the helm, it’s all shot, cut, and presented like an ADD nightmare.  The only thing saving it from a One Star rating is the carnage created on the Las Vegas Strip when Cassel is chasing Damon and plows through two dozen cars in a SWAT vehicle before driving that bad boy THROUGH the Riviera casino.  If the camerawork and editing was good (heck, I would’ve settled for mediocre), this could’ve been a top-notch action sequence.  At least the mayhem is enough to keep you from dozing off before the lame climax.  We also get an OK one-joke fight scene, but the punchline was already spoiled in the trailers. 

In short, this one is a Bourne Loser.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: JALOPY (1953) ** ½

This was the final feature in Turner Classic Movies' ‘50s car movie marathon that originally aired on July 26, 2017.  This was the twenty-ninth entry in the Bowery Boys series.  It’s also notable for being the first film released by Allied Artists, which had previously been known as Monogram Pictures. 

Slip (Leo Gorcey) is competing in a race in his busted old jalopy in hopes the winnings will help old timer Louie (Bernard Gorcey) save his soda shop.  He doesn’t have a prayer of winning until his pal Sach (Huntz Hall) invents a super-duper rocket fuel in the back room of the store.  When a gangster (Robert Lowery from the Batman serial) learns about their formula, he sets out to steal it before the big race.

I’m a fan of the Bowery Boys movies, so this one went down pretty smooth.  It won’t be mistaken for one of the team’s best films, but there are enough laughs here to keep easy-to-please fans happy.  Gorcey gets a couple of clever one-liners and malapropisms and Hall does an OK job doing his patented schtick.  I also liked the running gag where every time the formula explodes, sexy Jane Easton appears out of a puff of smoke, leaving Slip and Sach to believe the stuff produces girls out of thin air. 

The other Bowery Boys basically just stand around a lot as it’s more or less the Slip and Sach show the whole time.  In fact, it’s actually kind of jarring when one of the other guys speaks.  The senior Gorcey gets more to do this time out as the harried ice cream shop owner Louie.  Lowery makes for a convincing foil for the team as well, which helps.

Sure, there are some stretches where the laughs dry up.  We also get a party sequence that goes on far too long.  The ice cream fight scene is pretty lame too.  The biggest surprise is that the racing scenes are actually entertaining and exciting.  There’s a great sequence where Hall loses his hat and runs onto the track to retrieve it, effectively turning the race into an all-out demolition derby.  The finale isn’t quite as good, but it helps to end the movie on a fun note.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: HOT CARS (1956) ***

I recorded this from Turner Classic Movies on July 26, 2017 as part of a ‘50s car-themed marathon. 

The opening scene is a great little time capsule to show you just how much times have changed.  Our hero, a used car salesman played by John Bromfield (who was also in Curucu, Beast of the Amazon the same year) takes his curvaceous customer (Joi Lansing from Hillbillys in a Haunted House) out for a spin.  Halfway through the drive, they stop off to a beachside bar for drinks! 

Though it’s a crime thriller at heart, Hot Cars should really be labeled a science fiction tale because it’s about something that doesn’t exist in nature:  An honest car salesman!  So honest is Bromfield, that when he discourages a potential customer (Ralph Clanton) from buying a lemon, he’s fired on the spot.  Stuck with a lot of bills and a sick kid, Bromfield is desperate for work.  It seems like fortune is smiling on him when the customer he turned away offers him a job.  Turns out, he’s just looking for an honest face to front his car lot, which is stocked with nothing but stolen vehicles. 

With a running time of only an hour, Hot Cars moves right along.  Donald McDougall directs with an economical, no-frills style that perfectly suits this entertaining B noir.  While the third act isn’t as crackling as the first forty-five minutes or so, it does contain an impressive fight on a rollercoaster finale.  Even though this sequence feels like it came out of an entirely different movie (you’d expect a film called Hot Cars would have at least one car chase in it), it’s nevertheless a fine capper.

McDougall also gets a lot of mileage out of his cast.  Bromfield makes for a perfectly upstanding leading man and Clanton has the right touch of bland menace about him.  Lansing is the real star though.  Looking as drop dead gorgeous as ever, she gets a lot of sultry double talk that is sure to get your motor going.  When Bromfield gives her a sales pitch, she breathlessly coos, “Yes… yes… yes… tell me more… I just love being talked into things!”  Va-va-voom!

Speaking of which, the snappy dialogue has a real rhythm to it and is fun to listen to.  (“What’s the matter with you?  Are you unpatriotic or something?  Don’t you like Washington… Lincoln… Jackson…?”)  The swinging score by Les Baxter adds a little zing to the proceedings as well.  All in all, Hot Cars winds up being a fun ride.  

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MR. BROOKS (2007) **

Mr. Brooks has been sitting in my DVR since July 24^th, 2017, the day I taped it off The Movie Channel.  Now, I think it’s finally time to let him loose so he can do his thing.  This is one of those movies that when it came out, the previews were kind of “meh”, so I skipped it.  In the ensuing years, I have had several people recommend it to me, often times saying, “It’s totally a Mitch movie”.  Now that I have seen it, I can see why they would’ve thought that, even if I wasn’t exactly over the moon for it.

Christ, all they had to say was, “it’s from the director of Kuffs,” and I would’ve checked it out long ago.

Kevin Costner stars as the titular Mr. Brooks, a straightlaced, kind of nerdy, obscenely wealthy family man and philanthropist.  What Mrs. Brooks (Marg Helgenberger) doesn’t know is that her husband is a serial killer who has an imaginary friend (William Hurt) who goads him into killing.  When a peeping tom (Dane Cook) catches him in the act, he blackmails Mr. Brooks into letting him do a ride-along on his next murder.  Meanwhile, a detective (Demi Moore), obsessed with catching Mr. Brooks, draws closer on his trail.

Costner does a good job with playing both sides of Mr. Brooks’ identity.  I liked how he is restless and uncomfortable in his skin during his “everyday” scenes while becoming increasingly calm and collected as he closes in on his prey.  Hurt steals the movie though as the maniacal imaginary friend who acts like the devil on Costner’s shoulder.  He was still trading in on the weird energy he brought to A History of Violence, and his scenes with Costner are the best in the film.

What doesn’t work?  Basically, all the stuff with Moore.  I like her and all, but she’s sorely miscast as a tough-talking detective.  Plus, she eats up way too much screen time.  I mean, did we even need to see all her divorce proceedings?  Or the scene where she’s attacked by ANOTHER serial killer? 

The same goes for the subplot involving the possibility that Mr. Brooks’ daughter (Danielle Panabaker) is also a serial killer.  While it’s an intriguing idea, it’s just another unnecessary narrative bowling pin the movie has to juggle.  I mean, how many serial killers does a movie need?

Which brings us to Dane Cook, the fledgling serial-killer-in-training.  While I don’t hate him as much as some people do, I can only take him in small doses.  Unfortunately, we’re given an overdose of Cook.  

There is a great movie lurking somewhere underneath all the gratuitous subplots.  The scenes with Costner and Hurt alone are nearly enough to recommend it, especially if you are fans of their work (which I am).  It’s just that the less time we spend inside of Mr. Brooks’ head, the more the flick starts to feel like a by-the-numbers serial killer thriller.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: LEGEND (2015) **

I taped this off HBO on July 23^rd, 2017.  No, it isn’t a remake of Ridley Scott’s Legend.  It’s actually about the notorious twin British gangsters, the Kray brothers.  Their story was probably most famously told in the 1990 movie The Krays, starring members of Spandau Ballet, Martin and Gary Kemp.  Instead of using real-life brothers to portray the Krays, writer/director Brian (Payback) Helgeland opted to pull a Dead Ringers and give Tom Hardy not one, but two opportunities to chew the scenery. 

Hardy plays both Ronnie and Reggie Kray, the underground gangsters who control London in the ‘60s.  Ronnie is a bespectacled madman who can barely keep his bloodlust at bay.  Reggie is only slightly more controlled and refined, if only because he’s anchored somewhat by his love for his girlfriend Frances (Emily Browning).  As the brothers’ reign of terror (which includes racketeering, extortion, blackmail, and intimidation) grows, so does the divide between Reggie and Frances.

Helgeland is a gifted writer and a fine director, but he seems an odd fit for this film.  Scenes feel assembled without conviction, the plot is episodic, and the pacing lacks an organic flow.  Despite two twitchy hotheaded performances by Hardy, the movie itself feels kind of lifeless.  Even a bloody pub brawl is sorely missing the directorial exuberance to make the violence pop.  You know you’re in trouble when you start yearning for Guy Ritchie to take the helm and give it some bollocks. 

The narration doesn’t really work either.  At first it seems like it’s only there to humanize Reggie.  Eventually, we learn that isn’t the case at all.  So, why even bother?  Because the movie would barely function without SOMEONE narrating to string all these slipshod scenes together.

I guess this would make a serviceable double feature with Bronson, another flick in which Hardy played a notorious English criminal.  There’s even a similar scene where he goes toe to toe with several prison guards.  Too bad it’s not nearly as outrageous as that film was. 

Ultimately, all this is little more than a collection of half-sketched anecdotes, gangster cliches, and bloody set pieces in search of a movie.  Still, if you ever wanted to see Tom Hardy fight himself, Legend will be worth a watch.  Let’s face it, I’ve watched worse for less.  That scene has a bit of a kick to it, but overall, the bulk of the picture is messy, rambling, and too unfocused to be wholly recommended.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: HOUSE OF WOMEN (1962) ** ½

I taped this loose remake of Caged! off Turner Classic Movies on July 23^rd, 2017.  Shirley Knight stars as a pregnant woman behind bars.  She has the baby, which will be kept inside the prison walls in a daycare center until it turns three.  If she is still incarcerated by then, her daughter will become a ward of the state.  Andrew (Lancer) Duggan is the warden who takes a shine to Shirley and makes her his maid.  She plays up to his affections in hopes she’ll receive parole and get her daughter back.  When the warden realizes he’s being used, he denies her parole and her baby is taken away.  The inmates learn about his misdeeds and as a show of solidarity, stage a riot.

House of Women is more melodramatic than exploitative.  That’s more of an observation than a criticism.  Because of the year in which it was made, it goes without saying that it was going to be tame.  Despite being low on sleaze, there are definitely some memorable moments here.  The highlight has to be Barbara Nichols’ parole meeting that probably inspired Morgan Freeman’s similar scene in The Shawshank Redemption. 

There are also enough genre cliches here to at the very least pacify Women in Prison fans.  We have food fights, riots (the matrons subdue the prisoners using stools, just like lion tamers!), and pervert wardens.  It also has one of the best reasons for a catfight I’ve ever seen in one of these movies.  (“She drew a moustache on my picture of Troy Donahue!”)

Knight is a little milquetoast in the lead, but then again, she has to be because her character is trying to win her daughter back.  Duggan does a decent job as the warden, although he never quite blossoms into an out-and-out scumbag.  Most of the fun comes from seeing Jason Evers (the same year he starred in the classic The Brain That Wouldn’t Die!) as the kindly alcoholic prison doctor. 

While House of Women has some strong stretches, it never really gets into gear.  The finale is particularly weak as the big riot is broken up into several sections using newspaper headlines as interstitials.  It is also in this section when the focus kind of shifts from Knight to Constance Ford, who plays an inmate who flips her lid when her son dies from the guards’ negligence.  Even then, there are enough good bits in that first hour to make the flick recommended to Women in Prison die-hards.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE ACCOUNTANT (2016) **

This was taped in the same block of HBO programming as Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates and The Simpsons Movie on July 23rd, 2017.  Ben Affleck stars as the titular accountant assigned to audit a giant robotics conglomerate.  He has autism which he has overcome thanks to his father’s intense military education, which includes forcing him into Ninja training at a young age.  When the owner of the company is murdered, Affleck looks for answers (no pun intended).  Soon, he finds himself on the run when some mysterious men in black come looking for him.  Little do they know this accountant is basically The Punisher with a pocket protector.

You know, it’s kind of funny to compare this to Good Will Hunting in which Affleck’s buddy Matt Damon played another math savant.  Both characters have awkward social interactions with women and spend a lot of time writing big ass math problems on the wall.  You can see how different Affleck is from Damon though because you can almost hear him saying, “I wanna play a math whiz like Matt, except, you know… maybe I can kill a lot of people?  Ooh!  And can I have a Batman-style origin story too?” 

The Accountant has a dreadfully dumb premise, but it could’ve been enjoyable if it wasn’t so dead serious about it.  Think Rambo Meets Rain Man.  However, director Gavin (Miracle) O’Connor treats the autism angle so sensitively that the movie never once becomes fun. 

Affleck is OK in the lead role, but since we can never quite buy his performance, it makes the goofy premise a hard sell.  The supporting cast is a bit of a mixed bag too.  Anna Kendrick is annoying as his nerdy accounting sidekick, Jon Bernthal and John Lithgow are pretty much wasted as the villains, and J.K. Simmons is tasked with the thankless role of the Fed on the case.  His scenes are most expendable, and his longwinded flashback scene late in the game is pretty much the final nail in the coffin for the movie. 

The first hour or so isn’t much better as it heavily involves a lot of math.  Not the most cinematic of activities to be sure.  Once Affleck and Kendrick go on the run, things improve slightly.  It’s here where the movie kind of feels like an updated variation on the old ‘70s political thriller, but with a 21^st century paintjob.  Too bad the action is lackluster, and the twist ending is predictable. 

If The Accountant wanted to be a memorable experience, it would’ve went whole hog on the nuttiness that it only hints at.  We needed less math solving and more autistic Ninjas.  I can understand why they held back though because nobody wants protest groups banning the movie for insensitively portraying people who are differently abled.  It’s just that when you mix such an odd premise with an overly serious tone, nothing ever… ahem… adds up. 

AKA:  Auditor.  AKA:  Mr. Wolff.  AKA:  The Consultant.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE SIMPSONS MOVIE (2007) **

This had been sitting in my DVR ever since July 22^nd, 2017.  It was taped as part of an HBO free preview that also included Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  I’m not sure why I even bothered since I haven’t watched The Simpsons on a regular basis since the early ‘90s.  I was a big fan when it first came on.  I bought the cassette tape, said “Don’t have a cow” a lot, and wore the t-shirts (which were banned in school because they had the word “hell” on it).  

The appeal of The Simpsons when I was younger was that it was more adult that your average cartoon.  However, once Beavis and Butt-Head and South Park came along, it began to look a little lightweight in comparison, so I stopped watching.  (I was always a bigger fan of Matt Groening’s Life is Hell, anyway.) Aside from a handful of cinematic looking animation sequences, it just feels like an overlong episode than a full-length movie.  The plot (which involves a dome being placed over Springfield) doesn’t really feel like it’s big enough to sustain a theatrical movie either.  The various subplots likewise fall a little short.  The idea of Flanders becoming a father figure to Bart might’ve worked, but it feels like deleted scenes from an episode that were crammed in there to pad the running time.  The same could be said about the stuff with Lisa finding a boyfriend.

That’s not to say there aren’t a few laughs here.  I liked Homer’s reaction to the Itchy and Scratchy movie, and Bart’s nude skateboard ride allows them to get away with a shot that wouldn’t fly on network TV.  It’s just the laughs kind of dry up once the “A” plot takes hold.  Another disappointing thing is the fact that the usually great Albert Brooks is pretty much wasted as the villain.  While the casting is inspired, he isn’t given much to do.  I mean if you’re going to do a movie of one of the most popular TV shows of all time, you should probably go big or go home. 

I guess for Simpsons die-hards, none of the above will matter as they probably already saw this thirteen years ago.  I'm sure it hit all the notes they were expecting it to hit.  If it didn’t win back this fallen fan, it definitely won’t convert any new ones to the fold.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MIKE AND DAVE NEED WEDDING DATES (2016) ***

Another HBO free preview and another slew of movies put into the DVR.  This group was from July 22^nd, 2017.  The first movie on this block of programming is the pleasant, engaging, and frequently funny Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. 

Mike (Adam Devine) and Dave (Zac Efron) are two man-children brothers who have a habit of getting wasted and ruining every family get-together.  With their sister’s Hawaiian wedding on the horizon, their father (Stephen Root) orders them to find nice and respectable dates for the occasion.  Enter two sketchy, down-and-out friends named Alice (Anna Kendrick) and Tatiana (Aubrey Plaza) who pass themselves off as nice girls in exchange for a free trip to Hawaii, but in reality, they are just as wild and out of control as Mike and Dave. 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has a one-note sitcom premise.  You might even find yourself experiencing a little bit of Wedding Crashers déjà vu.  (Heck, the characters reference the movie at one point.)  All that doesn’t really matter though if the performances are entertaining and the laughs are there, which they are.

It’s pretty much a far-gone conclusion how all of this is going to play out.  Even if the set-ups (and often times, the punchlines) are predictable, there is enough genuine chemistry between Efron and Devine and Kendrick and Plaza to put a fresh energy into even the most obvious jokes.  Plaza in particular is very funny, especially when she occasionally lets down her guard and her wild side slips out.  The extended scene where she and Devine flirt back and forth contains more laughs than most recent comedies have in their entire runtime.  We also get a few cameos and guest stars who help keep the laughs moving at a steady clip.  I mean, you know you’re in the right place when Marc Maron is in the opening scene.  Kumail Nanjiani also has a memorable bit as a sensual massage therapist. 

Bottom Line:  Even though it’s cliché and predictable, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates has enough laughs to make you say “I do” to watching it.

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE YARDS (2000) **

I taped this off The Movie Channel way back on July 18, 2017.  It was director James Gray’s follow-up to his indie drama Little Odessa and it was beset by many post-production problems at the hands of producer Harvey Weinstein (whose hands would later get him into a lot of trouble).  It was the first in an unofficial tetralogy of films Gray made back-to-back-to-back-to-back with star Joaquin Phoenix, the other three being We Own the Night, Two Lovers, and The Immigrant.  The only one of those I saw was We Own the Night, which was pretty good, so I was hopeful that this would follow suit.  I was wrong.

Mark Wahlberg stars as a young guy fresh out of prison looking to make some quick dough to support his ailing mother (Ellen Burstyn).  His uncle (James Caan) offers him a job at his train yards and tries to steer him away from the shady side of the business.  He does not try very hard.  Soon, Marky Mark is riding shotgun with his best friend (Phoenix) as he makes illegal payoffs to contractors, businessmen, and politicians.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long until someone gets killed and Marky Mark becomes the top prospect to take the fall. 

Despite an all-star cast that includes Charlize Theron (who has a nude scene), Faye Dunaway, and (the hell?) Steve Lawrence, The Yards is often thematically muddled and dramatically inert.  In fact, they don’t do a helluva lot to inject the story with much passion.  Wahlberg barely looks interested, Theron is completely wasted, and Phoenix’s performance lacks the spark you’d expect.  (Gray paired the duo much more successfully in We Own the Night.)  Only Burstyn rises above the material as Wahlberg’s long-suffering mother.

The early scenes of Wahlberg readjusting to society hold promise.  From there, The Yards quickly goes off the rails.  The film really starts to deflate once Wahlberg’s character goes on the lam for a crime he didn’t commit.  The last twenty minutes are especially sluggish as things go out on a whimper instead of a bang. 

Co-writer Matt Reeves later went on to direct Cloverfield.