HINDSIGHT IS 2020: ROGUE (2020) *

Early in Rogue, the following exchange is made:

Mercenary #1:  This is stupid. 

Mercenary #2:  We do stupid very well. 

Oh, if only that were true.

Rogue is stupid.  I mean any movie that asks us to believe that Megan Fox is the leader of a hardass group of mercenaries is bound to be stupid.  As a fan of Fox, it could’ve been just as fun as it was stupid.  However, the filmmakers went for the wrong kind of stupid. 

Fox and her team of soldiers go to Africa to liberate some kidnapped girls from a band of degenerate sex traffickers.  While making their escape, they run afoul of a killer lion that’s gone rogue.  It then proceeds to pick off the team one by one until Fox and company make their final stand against the marauding maneater. 

Rogue is kind of like Predator meets Ghost and the Darkness on a Syfy Channel budget.  The CGI on the lion is especially weak as it often looks like a video game.  We also get a random crocodile attack that utilizes just as shoddy effects as the ones found on the lion.

The action is about on par with what you’d expect from a Grindstone Entertainment DTV flick.  It was directed by M.J. Bassett, who was also responsible for the instantly forgettable Solomon Kane and Silent Hill:  Revelation.  Bassett has exactly one trick up her sleeve:  Someone stands around an open doorway or an empty hallway for maybe a second too long before the lioness leaps from just off camera and pounces on them.  This bit gets run into the ground in no time at all and only slight variations on the scenario are offered up throughout. 

Fox is so miscast that when she first opens her mouth, it very nearly sunk the whole enterprise right then and there.  She’s so miscast that it isn’t even bad enough to eke out a few unintentional laughs.  It’s just bad.  The role really required someone like Zoe Bell or Gina Carano to pull it off convincingly.

Even then, the pacing is so lethargic that the film fails to generate any momentum or suspense.  The military action at the front end of the movie is completely generic too, and it takes too long for the flick to finally settle into man-eating lion mode.  Add to this, the long, boring stretches that occur in between the lion attacks and you have yourself a recipe for one dull, shitty picture.

I’d be lion if I said I enjoyed it.

AKA:  Mercenaries. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: FORCE OF NATURE (2020) **

Emile Hirsch stars as an American cop in Puerto Rico who is assigned to evacuate an apartment building during a Category 5 hurricane.  Among the residents is a stubborn, sickly ex-cop (Mel Gibson) whose nurse daughter (Kate Bosworth) pleads with him to take shelter.  Meanwhile, some tough thieves decide to pull an art heist inside the apartment building, and they have no problem mowing down a couple of cops in order to make their getaway.  With the lines of communications down, it’s up to Hirsch and company to survive using their wits until back-up arrives.

Force of Nature finds fallen star Mel Gibson getting into business with Emmett/Furla Oasis, the same company who back many of Bruce Willis’ recent DTV efforts.  Like those films, it’s apparent that Gibson was only around for a few days as it’s easy to spot when the production was shooting around his schedule.  (The main characters often split up, allowing Gibson to be offscreen for about half the screen time.)  Unlike some of Willis’ EFO output, this feels more like a “real” movie than just something that was cobbled together to meet a contract deadline.  Yes, the (mostly) one location gives the impression of a lower budget, but at least the situation feels more organic and less contrived than many similar Willis actioners.  (EDIT:  According to the IMDb Trivia, Gibson replaced Willis, which only confirmed my theory.)  That doesn’t make it good, however.

Gibson does an okay job in the role of the cranky ex-cop.  It’s far from a great performance, but he puts more personality into the role than Willis has in his EFO movies.  I know I keep comparing the two a lot and that might be a little unfair.  It’s just that Gibson’s role could’ve been played by Willis, Stallone, Lundgren, or any other Expendable in the twilight of their career.  I can see any of them doing the role, quite honestly.

Hirsch is usually an indie darling, and some will probably consider his starring in this DTV flick slumming, especially after his memorable turn in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  However, he seems to be having fun.  At times, you’ll swear he’s channeling his Hollywood co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio as it often looks like he’s copped some of Rick Dalton’s squinty-eyed mannerisms and delivery.  I’m not sure if he was trying to give a bad performance on purpose or if he was just tempering his talent to match the material, but it almost sort of works.  If they ever make a Bounty Law TV show and need someone to fill in for Leo, Hirsch would be a spot-on replacement.

AKA:  Lethal Storm.

THE HEADLESS EYES (1971) *

An artist named Arthur (Bo Brundin) tries to break into a woman’s bedroom, there is a struggle, and she stabs him in the eyeball for his troubles.  Afterwards, Arthur (who is now sporting an eye patch) finds he can no longer create art.  Frustrated, he lashes out at the various hookers, actresses, and art students he stumbles upon.  After stalking and killing them, the increasingly deranged Arthur takes their eyeballs as souvenirs. 

The Headless Eyes seems like it might’ve been inspired by Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Color Me Blood Red as both films feature artists who kill women in order to create works of art.  It also plays like a forerunner to Maniac as we are in the killer’s shoes for nearly the entire running time, most of which is filled with the psycho giving deranged speeches and having hysterical freak-outs.  While the idea is sound, the execution is often sloppy and amateurish. 

Wait.  I take that back.  That’s an insult to amateurs everywhere.

Even though the film clocks in at only seventy-seven minutes, it is a painfully slow moving, monotonous, and repetitive affair.  Since there is little variety to the kills, it all gets old very quickly.  The gore is somewhat lacking too, although the opening sequence is semi-amusing in a cheesy sort of way.  It’s all downhill after that though.  The droning soundtrack will likely put many to sleep and the killer’s constant screeching will surely annoy those who have managed to make it to the end.

The writer/director was Kent Bateman.  He’s probably more famous for two of his other productions:  Justine and Jason Bateman.  He later went on to direct episodes of his kids’ shows, Family Ties and Valerie.  Bateman also produced Teen Wolf Too, which also starred his son, and it is somehow even worse than this.

AKA:  Bloodthirsty Butcher.  AKA:  Bloodthirsty Butchers.

ATTACK OF THE BEAST CREATURES (1985) *

Castaways from a sunken ocean liner drift to a remote desert island.  After foraging for food and supplies, they slowly have the suspicion they are not alone.  As it turns out, the island is populated by a race of tiny red monsters who have an insatiable hunger for human flesh. 

Attack of the Beast Creatures is one of the dullest, slowest, and most repetitive movies I have seen in quite some time.  The endless scenes of our heroes traipsing through the jungle sent me to dreamland as fast as any Ambien pill ever could.  Just when I was able to rouse myself from slumber, along came another interminable walking-through-the-jungle scene and it was back to Snoozeville for this viewer.  Ever the diligent critic, I DID rewind and re-watch the scenes that I slept through, but they were mostly a lot of boring dialogue scenes that were just as dull (if not, duller) than the walking scenes. 

There is ONE great moment.  It happens when a castaway stumbles upon a pond and dips his face in to take a drink.  He learns the hard way that it isn’t water in the pond, but acid.  Other than that, this is one shitty flick. 

The monsters are nothing more than replicas of the Zuni Fetish Doll from Trilogy of Terror dyed red.  There isn’t much effort on the filmmakers’ part to make them look anything more than puppets, aside from the one part where their eyes glow ominously in the dark.  In some scenes, you can clearly see the puppeteers’ arms, but most of the time, they are thrown at the cast by a crew member from just off camera.  The actors also do a piss-poor job at pretending to be ravaged by the monsters.  They are so crappy at it that it even fails to be unintentionally funny.  It also happens so often that you eventually start rooting for the little buggers to pick their bones clean, just so the movie can be over.

PREVUES OF COMING ATTRACTIONS VOL. 1: GIALLORAMA (2008) *** ½

Fans of ‘70s giallos rejoice!  This is the trailer compilation you’ve been waiting for.  It also makes for a good primer for people who are looking to get into the genre.  Some of the biggest directors who made their mark in the genre are represented (Dario Argento, Mario Bava, Sergio Martino, Lucio Fulci, and Umberto Lenzi are among those who are featured more than once) and familiar faces like George Hilton, Edwige Fenech, and Claudine Auger pop up time and again. It’s also in chronological order, which is nice because you get to see how the genre grew wilder and more exploitative over time. 

The trailers included in this collection are:  Evil Eye, Blood and Black Lace, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, The Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, A Lizard in a Woman’s Skin, Death Walks on High Heels, Four Flies on Grey Velvet, Short Night of Glass Dolls, Slaughter Hotel, Carnage (AKA:  Twitch of the Death Nerve), The Black Belly of the Tarantula, The Cat O’ Nine Tails, The Fifth Cord, The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, All the Colors of the Dark (under the alternate title, They’re Coming to Get You), The Case of the Bloody Iris, Torso, What Have You Done to Solange?, Who Saw Her Die?, Death Smiles at Murder, Spasmo, Eyeball, Autopsy, Deep Red, Strip Nude for Your Killer, The Dark is Death’s Friend, The Bloodstained Shadow, The Pyjama Girl Case, Tenebrae, The New York, Ripper, Murder Rock, Stage Fright, Trauma, and Sleepless.

Throughout the running time, you can see flashes of what makes giallos so much fun:  Killers in black gloves, POV camerawork, beautiful women, and odd, memorable, and longwinded titles (usually featuring an animal).  Many trailers use trippy colors during the title sequences that add to the overall luridness of the films.  A few are even shown in their original Italian language, which helps to give them a different flavor than a lot of the trailers on these kinds of compilations.

I do kind of wish they had dug a little further back in the archives and found some more obscure titles.  As it is, it just kind of plays like a greatest hits collection of what the genre has to offer.  That’s not really a criticism though, just an observation.

DUSK TO DAWN DRIVE-IN TRASH-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) ****

This was the first entry in the long-running series of trailer compilations presented by Something Weird.  It boasts a terrific assembly of genre favorites, trash classics, and Grade-Z junk.  Many of the all-time great trailers that have appeared in countless other compilations are here, but what makes Dusk to Dawn Drive-In Trash-O-Rama Show Vol. 1 an exemplary example of the format is the sheer number of horror rarities, regional flicks, and obscure-o weirdness on hand.  

The trailers vary in length too.  Some run on several minutes while others are nothing more than a brief TV spot.  The genres run the gamut from Blaxploitation to Spaghetti Westerns to skin flicks to biker movies to Kung Fu to horror.  At two hours, it moves along at a lightning pace and the constant variety means you’ll never be bored.

The first wave of trailers include Bare Knuckles, Great White, The Black Connection, Hells Chosen Few, Chain Gang Women, Tunnel Vision, Sugar Hill, The Amazing World of Psychic Phenomena, The Wild Riders, Point of Terror, The Brute and the Beast, Crazy Mama, Tidal Wave, Circle of Iron, The Great Hollywood Rape-Slaughter (which promises an appearance by Linda Ronstadt), The 3 Dimensions of Greta, Werewolves on Wheels, Korean Connection, The Killer Breed, The Groove Tube, Pets, The Godfathers of Hong Kong, The Night of the Assassin, The House That Vanished (which rips off Last House on the Left’s “It’s Only a Movie!” campaign), The Evil, Don’t Go in the House, and Something is Out There.

Afterwards, there’s a short intermission filled with cool vintage drive-in ads.  Then, we get back into the action with trailers for The Hot Box, The Born Losers, The Female Bunch, Naked Rider (which is just a content warning and shows nothing from the movie, AKA:  All the Young Wives), Kill Squad, Matilda (a boxing kangaroo movie starring Elliott Gould), Digby:  The Biggest Dog in the World, The Mysterious Monsters, Hell’s Angels on Wheels, The Glory Stompers, Chrome and Hot Leather, The Mutations, Flesh Gordon, Luana, The Jezebels (AKA:  Switchblade Sisters), Scream Baby Scream, Gay Liberation, Squirm, Zebra Force, Savage Sisters, Johnny Firecloud, The Swiss Conspiracy, The Bull Buster, The Rats are Coming!  The Werewolves are Here!, Vampyres (“Very Unnatural Ladies”), Women for Sale, The Rape Killer, The Girl in Room 2A, The Teacher (“Her best lessons were taught… AFTER CLASS!”), Liz (an amazing trailer filled with man-on-the-street interviews of mostly outraged old women who can’t believe how much sex and nudity is in the movie, a testimonial from the producer, and absolutely zero clips from the movie itself), Eve, Superchick, Women in Cages (which oddly features the instrumental to The Cars’ “Moving in Stereo”), The Big Bird Cage, Sins of Rachel,  The Cat Ate the Parakeet, Mother, Nazi Love Camp 27 (which uses the same “Special Announcement” gimmick as Liz, but features a black screen that reads, “Cut” whenever the footage gets too steamy), The Captive Female (AKA:  Scream Bloody Murder), The Love-Thrill Murders, Night of the Lepus, Satan’s Cheerleaders, The Vampires Night Orgy, Simon, King of the Witches, Black Belt Jones, and finally, an ad for a double feature of Curse of the Headless Horseman and Carnival of Blood; followed by a few more drive-in ads.

In short, no trailer compilation fanatic will want to miss it. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE DEBT COLLECTOR 2 (2020) ** ½

Sue (Louis Mandylor) convinces his pal French (Scott Adkins) to give up his inglorious bouncer job and come back to a life of loan sharking.  It won’t be easy though seeing how they have to make three collections from three very tough customers in a span of forty-eight hours.  The first mark (Death Wish 3’s Marina Sirtis) is a former flame of Sue’s, the next target is the manager of a boxing gym (Cuete Yeska), and the final collection comes from a hardass who owns a chop shop (Vernon Wells).  Once French realizes he’s being used as a bag man for a vengeance-seeking underworld hoodlum (Ski Carr), he tries to split, which puts him at odds with his old pal Sue.

The Debt Collector was an OK DTV character study/actioner that had the benefit of being anchored by the two leads’ chemistry.  The same holds true for this sequel, which is a noticeable improvement over its predecessor, thanks to a slightly better script and tighter pacing.  Returning director (and frequent Adkins collaborator) Jesse V. Johnson makes the action sequences crackle by favoring unrushed editing choices over the fast-cutting style that ruin most DTV flicks.  He also gives Adkins several opportunities to punch and/or kick the crap out of people, which is always appreciated. 

Probably the most amusing thing about the movie is the way the two main characters brush off their apparent deaths in the first film.  There’s some talk about lights at the end of the tunnel, loved ones welcoming them to Heaven, and a funny run-in with a cute nurse on the operating table.  Mostly though, it’s all rushed through just to set up the new plot.  I for one kind of liked the unapologetic disregard for logic in order to get the show on the road in a timely fashion.  Johnson knew that Adkins and Mandylor were a good fit together, and he wasn’t going to let a little thing like death keep them separated. 

While it stops short of being a full blown “good” movie, it’s entertaining enough to fit the bill for fans of Adkins.  The wheel remains completely un-reinvented throughout, and it spins around well enough with very little wear and tear.  The chemistry between the two performers is genuine, and the cherry on the top is their knockdown-drag-out alleyway fight that sort of pays homage to They Live while having its own style and energy. 

The Debt Collector 2’s episodic nature is probably the only thing holding it back from kicking into gear.  Sue and French collect from a different person every twenty-five minutes or so, and while their run-ins are amusing for the most part, they don’t really translate into fist-pumping audience-pleasing moments or laugh-out-loud comedic situations.  However, it’s a big enough improvement over the original that I am hopeful we will see Adkins and Mandylor reunited to collect more debts in the near future.

AKA:  Debt Collectors.  AKA:  Payback.