HINDSIGHT IS 2020: VALLEY GIRL (2020) **

Valley Girl is one of my favorite ‘80s teen comedies of all time.  When I heard there was going to be a musical remake, I wasn’t surprised.  I mean, that shit has been going on since Hairspray.  What I didn’t realize until I started watching it was that it doesn’t contain any original music.  Instead, the cast sing ‘80s songs that have been shoehorned into the narrative.  I guess that would be okay if it all didn’t look and feel like an overlong Old Navy commercial.

Even though it’s set in 1983, the attempts to make it feel like a period piece are generic and/or just plain wrong.  Having the movie take place the same year the original film came out was a nice touch (there’s even some brief footage from the original if you know where to look), but how come nearly half of the musical selections are from 1984 or later?  There’s even a scene where the asshole boyfriend of the piece tries to woo the Valley Girl (Jessica Rothe, from Happy Death Day) by doing a “promposal”, which if anyone who lived through the decade can attest, definitely wasn’t a thing in the ‘80s.

Also, about halfway through the movie, the songs become more and more infrequent.  It’s almost as if you can spot the exact moment the music royalties budget ran out.  It’s a shame too because when it shifts gears back into a rehash of Valley Girl, it’s nearly impossible to care about the characters since up until this point they have been portrayed with about as much depth as people in an ‘80s music video.  What made the original work so well was the colorful characters.  Here, the only thing that’s colorful about them is their wardrobe.

The plot is the same.  High school Valley Girl Julie falls for a Hollywood punk rocker named Randy (Josh Whitehouse).  Even though they are from two totally different social scenes, they manage to make their relationship work.  Eventually, peer pressure threatens to tear them apart.

One thing I did like about this version was when they sing “I Melt with You”, the theme song from the original film.  The performers are adequate, but pale in comparison to Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman.  Speaking of which, it was nice seeing Foreman, along with a few other stars of the original popping up in cameos.  (No Nic Cage though.)

Ultimately, it just doesn’t work.  I mean are we expected a punk rocker would sing a Madonna song at a club?  Give me a break. 

Another tip-off that the filmmakers have no idea to properly make an ‘80s movie right:  They hired Alicia Silverstone to play the all-grown-up Julie in the framing scenes.  I mean, I like Silverstone as much as the next guy, but c’mon!  She’s best known from Clueless, a film that came out in ’95.  You can’t mix ‘90s nostalgia and ‘80s nostalgia willy-nilly.  

Like, totally gag me with a spoon!

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: GUNS AKIMBO (2020) **

Skizm is the latest craze.  People watch online as two contestants battle it out to the death.  Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) is a meek internet troll who spams the Skizm message boards with comments condemning the sport.  The leader of the organization, Riktor (Ned Dennehy) tracks Miles down and forces him to be Skizm’s latest contestant by bolting guns to his hands.  To make matters worse, if Miles doesn’t kill his competitor (Samara Weaving) in twenty-four hours, Riktor will off his girlfriend (Natasha Liu Bordizzo). 

The first twenty minutes or so had me ready to abandon ship.  I have seen some annoying camerawork and erratic editing in my time, but this might’ve been the worst.  Seriously, it was like the cameraman got jacked up on Red Bull and tried to out-Sam Raimi Sam Raimi.  Meanwhile, the editor got blitzed on chocolate and Mountain Dew and cut everything to ribbons, rendering the already chaotic action sequences nearly impossible to watch. 

Thankfully, things settled down once the film entered the second act, and the rest of the action sequences were much more tolerable.  In fact, there were stretches where I thought Guns Akimbo was actually going to overcome the first act handicap and find its stride.  That was mostly due to Radcliffe’s inspired harried performance.  Unfortunately, things got increasingly dumb as the movie went down the homestretch. 

The plot (which is essentially The Running Man Meets Upgrade Meets Nerve) is already thin, and the points writer/director James Lei (Deathgasm) Howden makes are obvious at best and painfully stupid at worst.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been so in your face with the camerawork and editing.  The sequences where Howden tries to make the action resemble a video game are particularly idiotic and look like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World remade as a shoot ‘em up. 

I wanted to like it, but it was just ultimately too dumb for its own good.  How dumb?  Well, at one point, when a bad guy threatens Weaving with a hammer, they play “Super Freak” on the soundtrack.  I mean, shouldn’t they be playing “U Can’t Touch This” (you know, “Stop!  Hammer time!”) and not the song it sampled from?  That’s just a sterling example of how fundamentally misguided the whole thing is. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE RHYTHM SECTION (2020) ***

Blake Lively (desperately trying to shed her good girl image with no make-up, ratty hairstyle, and English accent) stars as a woman who becomes a drug-addled sex worker after her entire family dies in a terrorist bombing.  As luck would have it, a dogged reporter (Raza Jaffrey) has found the man responsible for building the bomb that murdered her family.  She tries to execute the terrorist herself, but when she fails to pull the trigger, the reporter winds up dead.  A disgraced secret agent (Jude Law) then kidnaps her and trains her to become a hitwoman so she can finally seek revenge (and find peace).

The same week the James Bond producers pushed back No Time to Die (again), they put this on Amazon Prime for free.  Like No Time to Die, its release was pushed back several times.  When it finally came out earlier this year, it was a flop.  That’s probably due to the title, which makes it sound like a fucking cello movie or something.  Unlike Bond, it’s a smaller, more personal thriller.  It’s also surprisingly tough and mean-spirited, and unexpectedly focuses just as much on grief and trauma as it does vengeance and kicking ass. 

The Rhythm Section is unassuming and easy to underestimate, but it’s got it where it counts.  That’s fitting because the heroine is the same way.  The film belongs in one of my favorite subsects of the revenge genre where the character isn’t very good at getting revenge, but slowly becomes more capable thanks to raw determination and a little luck.  You wouldn’t think Lively could pull a role like this off.  However, she equips herself nicely and has you rooting for her by the end.  The fight scenes are messy, and there’s a pretty good chase scene done in one continuous take (although the seams in the editing are quite obvious).

I could’ve done without the on-the-nose needle drops of ‘60s tunes during some of the major sequences.  They really call attention to themselves and kind of run against the grain of the film’s serious tone.  Still, The Rhythm Section has plenty of rhythm as it moves along at a steady clip and kicks plenty of ass.  Too bad it flopped.  I wouldn’t have minded seeing Lively in a sequel.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: GRETEL AND HANSEL (2020) *

I guess you can tell by the title, Gretel and Hansel, that this is going to be one of those deals where they try to flip the script and elevate the female character’s role in an already well-established story.  That probably isn’t the worst idea in the world given that they cast It’s Sophia Lillis as Gretel.  They also made her significantly older than the brat playing Hansel, so she basically has to do all the heavy lifting.  In fact, I’m not even sure why they bothered putting Hansel’s name in the title to be honest.

Unfortunately, this is one of those movies that tried to ride the coattails of The VVitch.  Like that flick, it’s got a nice sense of time and setting, but it’s mostly a big bore.  Sure, the opening scene, which looks a little inspired by The Holy Mountain is cool, but it’s all downhill from there. 

That sequence also serves as an origin story for the witch, played by Alice Krige.  That is about as perfect casting as you can get.  Unfortunately, just like The VVitch, everyone talks in hushed tones and whispers, so it’s hard to hear what they’re all going on about half the time, so it makes it hard for her to build up a sense of menace. 

Also, there’s no candy house.  What the fuck?  That’s like making a Sleeping Beauty movie and beauty don’t go to sleep.  They don’t even fuck around with breadcrumbs either.  There is a scene where they get high AF on mushrooms though.  The witch even turns Gretel against Hansel at one point because… fuck the patriarchy?  I guess.  You know, you can only change so much stuff about Hansel and Gretel (or Gretel and Hansel) until at some point it stops being Hansel and Gretel.

Another dumb thing:  Gretel somehow has Jedi powers too.  I guess that’s the Force Awakens influence.  Or something.

The movie was directed by Osgood Perkins.  (More like OsBAD Perkins, am I right?)  He is none other than the son of Norman Bates himself, Anthony Perkins.  As for as directorial efforts from the Perkins bloodline go, this ain’t no Psycho 3 that’s for damned sure. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: SKIN: A HISTORY OF NUDITY IN THE MOVIES (2020) ****

I probably saw more documentaries in 2020 than I have in a long time.  That was mostly because cinematic pickings were kind of slim, thanks to the pandemic.  However, this year’s crop of docs just sort of spoke to me.  Dangerous theme parks?  Drugs?  The Bee Gees?  The Go-Go’s?  Sure, why not?  I’ll check out a movie about those subjects. 

Now, here comes a documentary that REALLY speaks to me.  Skin:  A History of Nudity in the Movies is exactly what you think it is.  It’s a lot of stars, historians, and film critics taking you on a nude romp down mammary (err… memory) lane and celebrating Hollywood’s infatuation with nudity.  We learn that nudity in movies practically began with the movies themselves.  They started off in small indie productions before slowly creeping into big budget studio films.  The Hays Code put a stop to all that in 1934, so Hollywood had to come up with clever ways to sneak risqué stuff past the censors.  Things lighten up a little bit thanks to the nudist camp pictures and nudie-cuties of the ‘60s.  Eventually once major stars like Jayne Mansfield and Mamie Van Doren star in movies topless, it paves the way for nudity in film as we know it today. 

There is a good variety of talking heads throughout.  We hear from everyone who made the movies (like Joe Dante) to the people who starred in them (like Sybil Danning) to the people who watched them (like David Del Valle).  We also hear from the authority on nudity himself, Mr. Skin.  If you think Mr. Skin is cool, wait till you see the guy they have on here named Professor Kuntz!  Although… I don’t think it’s a pseudonym like “Mr. Skin”.  I think it’s his real name.

Anyway, a lot of this will be an old hat if you know your film history, but it’s still fun to see it trotted out again.  What makes it so engaging is that it is scholarly to a point, but not so much so that it can’t embrace the wild side of cinema that you and I enjoy so well.  I mean any movie that shows clips from The Monster of Camp Sunshine, Kiss Me Quick, and Orgy of the Dead in rapid succession is just catering to my tastes. 

Editor Steven L. Austin deserves some kind of award for his ingenious cutting.  How can you not love a documentary that follows up the harrowing nude scenes of The Last Tango in Paris with scenes from the Women in Prison classic, The Big Doll House?  I think my favorite moment was when they go from the schlocky werewolf orgy in The Howling 2 to the tender lesbian lovemaking in Personal Best within a span of a single edit.  That is some Oscar-worthy editing right there.

Austin is also smart enough to include moments from some of the most iconic scenes in screen history.  And by that, I mean Betsy Russell’s topless horseback riding scene in Private School, Traci Lords’ nude scene in Not of This Earth, and Julianne Moore’s bush in Short Cuts.  If that alone isn’t enough to sell you on this movie, you probably don’t have a pulse.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: SHIRLEY (2020) ** ½

Right from the opening scene you can tell Shirley won’t be just another ordinary biopic.  When Rose (Odessa Young, from the new TV version of The Stand) reads Shirley Jackson’s macabre short story “The Lottery” on a train, it gets her so hot and bothered that she just has to bang her boyfriend (Logan Lerman) in an empty car.  Now, if you’ve ever read “The Lottery”, you know that it isn’t exactly a Harlequin romance novel. 

Anyway, the couple go to stay with Jackson (Elisabeth Moss) and her snobby intellectual husband (Michael Stuhlbarg) on the condition Rose becomes their housemaid.  At first, they get on like oil and water, but eventually Shirley takes a shine to Rose, slowly letting her in on her darker nature that she hides from the world.  However, not only is Shirley using her for the model of the main character in her first novel; she is also making her the target of psychological warfare, which her husband is all too eager to engage in as well. 

Moss is locked in.  She’s much more effective here than she was in grossly overrated The Invisible Man as she dials down her usual hysterics and turns in an unpredictable and edgy performance.  Imagine a crazy cat lady meets Elizabeth Taylor in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and that sort of paints the picture.  She makes for a good foil for Young, whose character is tempted by Shirley’s outsider qualities.  The scene where Shirley gleefully invites her to eat possibly poisonous mushrooms is especially memorable. 

Produced by Martin Scorsese, Shirley is ultimately one of those movies that is more marinade than meat.  It offers a snapshot of Jackson’s life and shows that she probably had a screw or two loose.  It also spends as much time glorifying her eccentricities as it does pointing out her contradictions. 

The problem is the movie runs in all sorts of directions at once and never really settles on one approach.  The forbidden love story angle between Rose and Shirley works the best.  The scenes where the screenplay tries to infuse the picture with the same gothic horror touch Jackson gave her work are less effective.  The blurring of fact and fiction is a good idea, but it’s just another narrative trick for the film to juggle, and it’s frankly one it can’t quite handle. 

There’s also an intriguing subplot of Jackson treating her new housekeeper and lover as a character in her own book, bending her and breaking her just because she can.  However, it never truly commits to making Shirley an out-and-out villain, and because of that, the final act winds up being sort of muddled.  The performances are strong enough to keep you watching, but the film itself is far from haunting.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE OUTPOST (2020) ***

The Outpost tells the true story of heroic soldiers stationed in an outpost in Afghanistan.  Despite the fact the place is a logistical nightmare and nearly impossible to defend, the grunts stick to their mission of easing tensions with the locals.  When the Taliban finally attacks, the soldiers rise to the occasion and fight back against unbeatable odds to hold their position. 

On the surface, The Outpost looks like it’s going to be one of those generic DTV war movies that your grandfather would watch.  I was a bit worried in the beginning as the character introductions were done in the form of title cards with their names on it.  I usually hate this form of shorthand, but it made sense since there are so many characters on the base, and it’s a little hard to keep track of everyone.  

I was also concerned by the fact that the cast was mostly comprised of sons of much better-known actors.  The offspring of Clint Eastwood, Mel Gibson, and Mick Jagger are in this movie, which was enough to make me kind of wish their respective fathers had made a similar film together forty years earlier.  We even get the grandsons of Richard Attenborough and Alan Alda in there as well.  This rampant nepotism gave me the feeling this was going to be a modern-day version of those old DTV action movies in which sons and brothers of more famous movie stars were passed off as real actors.  I mean the biggest name in the cast is The Lord of the Rings’ Orlando Bloom, who gets the “And” billing on the poster, so you can probably guess what happens to him early on.

The first half is kind of ambling and episodic, which didn’t do much for my confidence.  Also, the ham-fisted dialogue like, “We can’t argue and fight” that’s supposed to be profound, comes off as clunky.  Once the proverbial shit hits the fan, the movie, like the soldiers it honors, digs deep and goes above and beyond the call of duty.

I guess I shouldn’t have doubted director Rod Lurie.  I’m a big fan of The Last Castle and I appreciated his Straw Dogs remake more than most.  Although the early sequences are a tad scattershot, he does a fine job at creating suspenseful battle sequences once the film goes all-in on the action.  His “You are There” camerawork heightens the suspense without resorting to the typical shaky-cam stuff that ruins most movies.  I can’t quite put it on the same pedestal as Saving Private Ryan, but there are certainly some harrowing moments that echo that classic.

Once the attack begins, the movie really kicks into overdrive.  The characters who at this point were a bit interchangeable, come into focus.  This is the kind of film I like where the characters are defined by their actions and not dialogue.  The performances are all fine, with Scott Eastwood being a standout and delivering a bit of his old man’s squinty-eyed charm. 

At its heart, The Outpost is a memorial to the men who served.  Mostly though it plays like a modernized B war picture.  I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, either.  I’m talking about the kind that Sam Fuller used to make (there’s even a character named “Griff”), when men were men, and the film was as tough as the soldiers it depicted.  It’s fine tribute to the men that fell in battle while simultaneously being a compelling war movie. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: CAPONE (2020) ** ½

After spending ten years in prison for tax evasion, disgraced gangster Al Capone (Tom Hardy) is released from jail.  His body riddled with syphilis, the Feds allow him to live out his final days in seclusion in his Florida mansion.  While Capone’s mental and physical state deteriorates, he is haunted by his past and comes to terms with his encroaching demise. 

Capone is a really odd mix of genres.  At its heart, it’s a gangster movie, but it feels more like a ghost story.  Imagine The Shining Meets A Christmas Carol starring Scarface and that sort of paints the picture.  While it’s kind of plodding and uneven, the film is just weird enough to keep you watching. 

Hardy’s performance is really something too.  In fact, it’s pretty much the whole show.  He snarls, screams, pisses, shits, drools, and farts his way through the film.  Many movies shit the bed figuratively.  This one does it literally.  His funky cadence and growly delivery often makes him sound like the love child of Popeye the Sailor Man and the Tasmanian Devil.  (He even spends a good chunk of the movie with a carrot sticking out of his mouth just like Bugs Bunny.)  Hardy is one of those guys like Nicolas Cage who creates such a memorable, offbeat character that it often doesn’t matter if the finished film itself is any good or not (this one is a toss-up).  However, he’s so out there that you can’t help but keep watching.  Any actor who shits himself not once but THREE times in a performance probably deserves some kind of award. 

The rest of the cast is basically playing catch-up to his antics.  Linda Cardellini has the thankless role of his wife, Kyle McLachlan is his doctor, and Matt Dillon shows up for a bit as his fishing buddy.  I like all these actors, but they just aren’t in the same movie as Hardy.

Writer/director/editor Josh Trank also made that awful Fantastic Four movie.  He was about to make a Boba Fett flick too before he shot himself in the foot on social media.  Capone is his comeback film of sorts.  It’s not exactly good, however it’s just too weird and eccentric to completely dismiss.  It’s just out there enough to make me curious to see what he does next.

AKA:  Fonzo.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: COME TO DADDY (2020) **

A young man (Elijah Wood) receives a letter from his long-estranged father (Stephen McHattie) requesting his presence in his home.  Their initial meeting is cordial, though awkward as hell.  Things take a turn for the worse however once daddy starts drinking and becomes verbally abusive towards his son.  There is an altercation, and then...

Well… to go any further would spoil the twist that occurs halfway through.  Let’s just say things take a turn (and not necessarily for the best) and it becomes an entirely different film.  Unfortunately, the first half is a lot more fun mostly due to the odd performance by McHattie. 

While the set-up is promising, the second act is kind of a letdown.  There is such a shift in energy and tone that it often feels like the filmmakers took two completely different scripts and Frankensteined them together.  The latter half just tries way too hard to be weird and edgy.  Imagine what a hipster version of a David Lynch film would look like and that might give you some clue as to what to expect.  

This portion of the picture is not without its highlights.  I mean you get to see Martin Donovan like you’ve never seen him before.  As a longtime fan of Donovan’s, I was intrigued by seeing him in such an atypical role, especially one that allowed him to channel some darkly humorous vibes.  Too bad he’s so incapacitated that it all feels like a wasted opportunity. 

Wood’s eccentric character can only take the movie so far.  You know you’re in trouble when you see his haircut and mustache.  It almost screams, “Hey, look at how goofy our main character looks!” 

Overall, Come to Daddy isn’t exactly bad per se.  It’s just that the two wildly inconsistent halves don’t mesh into a satisfying whole.  Some may applaud the weirdness-for-weirdness-sake approach to the second half, but for me, it lacked the dry spark of the early scenes. 

In short, stay away from Come to Daddy. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: VFW (2020) ***

A new street drug called “Hype” has turned ordinary citizens into crazed junkies, and a once thriving city is now in squalor thanks to the rampant trafficking of the illicit substance.  A few old-timers are able to get away from the troubles of the decaying city at their local V.F.W. where they sit around drinking beer and swapping war stories.  When a young girl (Sierra McCormick) is chased into the bar by a bunch of drug-crazed loonies, the tight-knit group of veterans led by the bartender Fred (Stephen Lang) fight off the junkies, leading to several members on both sides being killed or wounded.  One of the dead happens to be the brother of the local drug kingpin (Travis Hammer) who declares open season on the veterans, causing hundreds of “Hypers” to converge on the V.F.W.

VFW is a love letter to John Carpenter, specifically Assault on Precinct 13.  Everything from the set-up, to the camerawork, to the music features his distinct cinematic DNA, and you can tell director Joe (Bliss) Begos is having fun walking in the Master’s shoes.  (Begos’ first film, Almost Human owed a lot to Carpenter’s The Thing too.)  There’s also a bit of a Walter Hill vibe as co-stars William Sadler and David Patrick Kelly frequently worked with Hill. 

It’s also a love letter to the great character actors that populate the cast.  These guys have been the backbone of some of your favorite movies from the past forty years, usually in support of other, bigger name stars, and it’s nice to see them all getting their moments to shine.  I’m a fan of all these guys (including Fred Williamson, Martin Kove, and George Wendt), so just seeing them all under one roof was a lot of the fun for me. 

The expeditious set-up is appreciated too.  So is the film’s lean and mean three-chords attitude.  There’s no real fat on the movie to speak of.  The actors are all able to string together nice little moments throughout the siege.  Things move so fast that we learn more about the characters through their actions in battle, and their interactions with one another.  This works much better than listening to gobs of exposition (although there is some of that). 

The great cast may be the main draw, but the big drawback is the lighting in the bar, which is so dingy that it makes some of the carnage hard to see.  I don’t know if this was a stylistic choice or if it was purposefully done to obscure some of the more gruesome moments to secure an R rating (which it did not receive).  Whatever the reason, it’s quite annoying at times.  Still, I have to give the movie bonus points for having a character say, “Hindsight is 20/20”, which is important when you’re writing a column called Hindsight is 2020.

Despite the shitty lighting, VFW offers the viewer some choice gory bits.  Begos is the kind of guy who says, “Why should we just use one squib when a guy is shot?  Why can’t we just explode him from the waist up and call it a day?”  It’s that kind of enthusiasm that endears a director to me.  I can’t wait to see what he does next.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: AMITYVILLE WITCHES (2020) ***

If you’ve ever wondered what ‘90s Skinamax siren Kira Reed (now Lorsch) is up to nowadays, she’s apparently starring in this Amityville cash-in that I’m guessing is also trying to rip-off Robert Zemeckis’ remake of The Witches.  Or maybe that new reboot of The Craft.  Or possibly even try to ride the coattails of the inexplicable resurgence of Hocus Pocus.  There are also moments that gleefully crib from Suspiria (both versions). 

Reed was always one of my favorite goddesses of late-night cable, so checking out Amityville Witches was going to be a forgone conclusion for me.  Much to my surprise, her performance, along with the capable direction by Rebecca (Pet Graveyard) Matthews kept me engaged.  I’m just as shocked as anyone that I enjoyed an unrelated Amityville movie this much.  Maybe those witches cast a spell on me or something. 

A student named Jessica (Sarah T. Cohen) goes to an all-girls school which she quickly learns is owned by an evil witch named Dominique (Amanda-Jade Tyler).  She plans to sacrifice Jessica to a demon in exchange for untold power.  Luckily for Jessica, a trio of sexy witches (Reed, Donna Spangler, and Brittan Taylor) arrive on the scene and rescue her.  It’s then up to our three witches to not only protect Jessica, but to train her to unlock her hidden witchy powers in order to fight Dominque and slay the demon. 

Amityville Witches is as good of a movie as you could possibly make that has the word “Amityville” in the title but has nothing to do with The Amityville Horror.  The opening sequence, set in Amityville in 1602, isn’t bad, and I kind of got a chuckle from the early scene where the three witches use their powers to stop a duo of home invaders.  I also enjoyed the fight scenes where they perform Jedi power battles by holding their hands in the air while colored lights and chintzy special effects fill the screen. 

Cheesy visual effects aside, the chemistry between Reed, Spangler, and Taylor is genuine.  Even more surprising is the fact that the villainess shows tinges of humanity which makes for a strong three-dimensional character.  In a year full of weak villains, Tyler is one of the best.

The finale even flirts with a bit of the old Val Lewton school of filmmaking as it effectively suggests more than it actually shows.  When most modern-day horror movies do this, it usually falls flat, but this is one of the rare cases when it works.  The eventual appearance of the demon is very well done too.  The makeup is excellent, as the special effects team have taken an unexpected approach to creating something unique and interesting rather than your typical cinematic demon.  

Sure, the third act is a tad rushed.  Yes, the budget constraints often show.  However, this is way better than it had any right being.  There’s even a Marvel-style set-up for a sequel in the end, which (witch?) I would be totally down for provided the main stars all return. 

AKA:  Witches of Amityville.  AKA:  Witches of Amityville Academy. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: WEREWOLF ISLAND (2020) ***

Ben (Dennis Marin) and Lilly (Kara Joy Reed) sneak onto a supposedly haunted island for a secluded romantic getaway.  After doing the deed, they are attacked by a beastly woman and barely escape with their lives.  Ben’s Uncle Mike (Michael Alexander, who also wrote and directed) is a detective, and he steps in unravel the mystery of their attacker, the seemingly supernatural “Dog Lady”.  He consults a historian (Dan Zarembski), a local authority on the island, who is all too eager to tell him about its sordid past.

Werewolf Island is the sort of the movie Charles B. Pierce used to make as it mixes fact with fiction.  The film’s original title, The Legend of Dog Lady Island, even has that old timey Pierce feel to it.  (The poster art is even reminiscent of ‘70s regional drive-in fare.)  Like Pierce’s work, it is filled with flashback vignettes and recreations of crimes that happened decades ago.  The first flashback takes place during the French and Indian War, the second finds a gangster attacking a family in their home in the ‘20s, and the final one is about a gang of bikers assaulting a family in the ‘70s. 

For the kind of budget they were working with, the flashbacks are surprisingly strong.  The French and Indian War sequence (which features T.J. Storm as a Native chieftain) is ambitious and works a lot better than you might expect.  The acting is a tad on the amateurish side during the present-day scenes, but the actors in the period sequences manage to effectively portray their characters in a genuine fashion.  Because of that, it never feels like we’re watching a bunch of actors playing “dress up”, as is often the case in this sort of thing. 

I usually grade low budget, regional horror movies on a curve, and even then, they usually don’t get high marks.  What is genuinely surprising about Werewolf Island is that it manages to take its mythology very seriously, while still having moments of occasional levity.  While there are a few choice gory scenes, Alexander favors suspense over cheap shocks.  He also takes the time to create atmosphere and gives us characters we care actually about, rather than handing us a bunch of annoying characters that are little more than potential victims.  He even manages to inject a bit of tragedy into the proceedings, which I wasn’t expecting.   

I have a feeling there will be a great many who will write Werewolf Island off just on the grounds that the werewolf is not your traditional cinematic lycanthrope, but rather a woman who is possessed by a Native American spirit.  I for one appreciated the twist on the usual legend.  Seeing Native American folklore being used instead of the usual Hollywood version made for a nice change of pace.

I can honestly say Werewolf Island is one of the best surprises of 2020.  It’s the rare low budget horror flick that actually delivers the goods.  Even if it doesn’t have a legitimate werewolf, I can overlook that because the rest of the movie is so well done.  Alexander shows he is a talent to watch.  Not only did he create a few genuinely atmospheric sequences, he also wrote some pretty choice dialogue; my favorite line being:  “It was a gnarly, unreal entity!”

 AKA:  The Legend of Dog Lady Island.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: ROGUE (2020) *

Early in Rogue, the following exchange is made:

Mercenary #1:  This is stupid. 

Mercenary #2:  We do stupid very well. 

Oh, if only that were true.

Rogue is stupid.  I mean any movie that asks us to believe that Megan Fox is the leader of a hardass group of mercenaries is bound to be stupid.  As a fan of Fox, it could’ve been just as fun as it was stupid.  However, the filmmakers went for the wrong kind of stupid. 

Fox and her team of soldiers go to Africa to liberate some kidnapped girls from a band of degenerate sex traffickers.  While making their escape, they run afoul of a killer lion that’s gone rogue.  It then proceeds to pick off the team one by one until Fox and company make their final stand against the marauding maneater. 

Rogue is kind of like Predator meets Ghost and the Darkness on a Syfy Channel budget.  The CGI on the lion is especially weak as it often looks like a video game.  We also get a random crocodile attack that utilizes just as shoddy effects as the ones found on the lion.

The action is about on par with what you’d expect from a Grindstone Entertainment DTV flick.  It was directed by M.J. Bassett, who was also responsible for the instantly forgettable Solomon Kane and Silent Hill:  Revelation.  Bassett has exactly one trick up her sleeve:  Someone stands around an open doorway or an empty hallway for maybe a second too long before the lioness leaps from just off camera and pounces on them.  This bit gets run into the ground in no time at all and only slight variations on the scenario are offered up throughout. 

Fox is so miscast that when she first opens her mouth, it very nearly sunk the whole enterprise right then and there.  She’s so miscast that it isn’t even bad enough to eke out a few unintentional laughs.  It’s just bad.  The role really required someone like Zoe Bell or Gina Carano to pull it off convincingly.

Even then, the pacing is so lethargic that the film fails to generate any momentum or suspense.  The military action at the front end of the movie is completely generic too, and it takes too long for the flick to finally settle into man-eating lion mode.  Add to this, the long, boring stretches that occur in between the lion attacks and you have yourself a recipe for one dull, shitty picture.

I’d be lion if I said I enjoyed it.

AKA:  Mercenaries. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: FORCE OF NATURE (2020) **

Emile Hirsch stars as an American cop in Puerto Rico who is assigned to evacuate an apartment building during a Category 5 hurricane.  Among the residents is a stubborn, sickly ex-cop (Mel Gibson) whose nurse daughter (Kate Bosworth) pleads with him to take shelter.  Meanwhile, some tough thieves decide to pull an art heist inside the apartment building, and they have no problem mowing down a couple of cops in order to make their getaway.  With the lines of communications down, it’s up to Hirsch and company to survive using their wits until back-up arrives.

Force of Nature finds fallen star Mel Gibson getting into business with Emmett/Furla Oasis, the same company who back many of Bruce Willis’ recent DTV efforts.  Like those films, it’s apparent that Gibson was only around for a few days as it’s easy to spot when the production was shooting around his schedule.  (The main characters often split up, allowing Gibson to be offscreen for about half the screen time.)  Unlike some of Willis’ EFO output, this feels more like a “real” movie than just something that was cobbled together to meet a contract deadline.  Yes, the (mostly) one location gives the impression of a lower budget, but at least the situation feels more organic and less contrived than many similar Willis actioners.  (EDIT:  According to the IMDb Trivia, Gibson replaced Willis, which only confirmed my theory.)  That doesn’t make it good, however.

Gibson does an okay job in the role of the cranky ex-cop.  It’s far from a great performance, but he puts more personality into the role than Willis has in his EFO movies.  I know I keep comparing the two a lot and that might be a little unfair.  It’s just that Gibson’s role could’ve been played by Willis, Stallone, Lundgren, or any other Expendable in the twilight of their career.  I can see any of them doing the role, quite honestly.

Hirsch is usually an indie darling, and some will probably consider his starring in this DTV flick slumming, especially after his memorable turn in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  However, he seems to be having fun.  At times, you’ll swear he’s channeling his Hollywood co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio as it often looks like he’s copped some of Rick Dalton’s squinty-eyed mannerisms and delivery.  I’m not sure if he was trying to give a bad performance on purpose or if he was just tempering his talent to match the material, but it almost sort of works.  If they ever make a Bounty Law TV show and need someone to fill in for Leo, Hirsch would be a spot-on replacement.

AKA:  Lethal Storm.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE DEBT COLLECTOR 2 (2020) ** ½

Sue (Louis Mandylor) convinces his pal French (Scott Adkins) to give up his inglorious bouncer job and come back to a life of loan sharking.  It won’t be easy though seeing how they have to make three collections from three very tough customers in a span of forty-eight hours.  The first mark (Death Wish 3’s Marina Sirtis) is a former flame of Sue’s, the next target is the manager of a boxing gym (Cuete Yeska), and the final collection comes from a hardass who owns a chop shop (Vernon Wells).  Once French realizes he’s being used as a bag man for a vengeance-seeking underworld hoodlum (Ski Carr), he tries to split, which puts him at odds with his old pal Sue.

The Debt Collector was an OK DTV character study/actioner that had the benefit of being anchored by the two leads’ chemistry.  The same holds true for this sequel, which is a noticeable improvement over its predecessor, thanks to a slightly better script and tighter pacing.  Returning director (and frequent Adkins collaborator) Jesse V. Johnson makes the action sequences crackle by favoring unrushed editing choices over the fast-cutting style that ruin most DTV flicks.  He also gives Adkins several opportunities to punch and/or kick the crap out of people, which is always appreciated. 

Probably the most amusing thing about the movie is the way the two main characters brush off their apparent deaths in the first film.  There’s some talk about lights at the end of the tunnel, loved ones welcoming them to Heaven, and a funny run-in with a cute nurse on the operating table.  Mostly though, it’s all rushed through just to set up the new plot.  I for one kind of liked the unapologetic disregard for logic in order to get the show on the road in a timely fashion.  Johnson knew that Adkins and Mandylor were a good fit together, and he wasn’t going to let a little thing like death keep them separated. 

While it stops short of being a full blown “good” movie, it’s entertaining enough to fit the bill for fans of Adkins.  The wheel remains completely un-reinvented throughout, and it spins around well enough with very little wear and tear.  The chemistry between the two performers is genuine, and the cherry on the top is their knockdown-drag-out alleyway fight that sort of pays homage to They Live while having its own style and energy. 

The Debt Collector 2’s episodic nature is probably the only thing holding it back from kicking into gear.  Sue and French collect from a different person every twenty-five minutes or so, and while their run-ins are amusing for the most part, they don’t really translate into fist-pumping audience-pleasing moments or laugh-out-loud comedic situations.  However, it’s a big enough improvement over the original that I am hopeful we will see Adkins and Mandylor reunited to collect more debts in the near future.

AKA:  Debt Collectors.  AKA:  Payback.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: 1BR (2020) *** ½

(Programming Note:  I am going to continue the Hindsight is 2020 column until the end of January.  My goal is to watch as many 2020 movies as I can before I begin work on the 14^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  The nominations should be announced in early February.) 

A young woman named Sarah (Nicole Brydon Bloom) rents a room in a seemingly idyllic apartment complex.  It isn’t until she learns about their strict no-pets-allowed policy that things take a turn for the horrific.  The tenants then kidnap her and put her through a grueling mental and physical conditioning period in hopes of making her part of “the community”. 

1BR, like The Sect, is one of those horror films that FEELS like it should be a slow burn, but it moves at such a brisk pace that you get the rewards from a slow burn horror flick without all the incessant waiting around.  I liked the way writer/director David Marmor played his cinematic cards.  Just when you think it’s leaning one way; it skips a beat and dovetails into a slightly different subgenre.  There are parts that will probably remind you equally of Roman Polanski, Eli Roth, and M. Night Shyamalan, but he is able to weave those influences into an effective tapestry of horror.

Marmor doesn’t waste a whole lot of time getting down to the nitty gritty either, which is a sure sign of a director with a promising future.  He’s just as good at balls-out horror as he is slowly ratcheting up the tension.  I won’t spoil the big shocking moment, but I will say that there’s a scene here that ranks right up there with the bunny boiling sequence in Fatal Attraction. 

The film is anchored by a good performance by Bloom.  We really feel for her, especially when her character is going through her conditioning phase.  (It’s kind of like Deadly Yoga.)  She’s a real trooper for being put through the rigorous demands of the role, and hopefully we will be seeing a lot more of her in the near future.

I can’t say it’s entirely perfect.  Some of the amateurish performances by the other residents in the complex range from stilted to goofy.  What makes the movie a rarity among modern horror films is that it actually manages to stick the landing.  Many times, I tend to write these things off by stating, “it should’ve been a half-hour Twilight Zone episode”.  However, this is one of the few times when the length is just about on the nose.  The structure is compact and efficient, and there are few (if any) wasted moments.

In short, 1BR is worth the rental. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: WW84 (2020) * ½

WW84 is one of the worst DC Comics movies of all time.  It’s not as aggressively bad and ugly to look at as Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn).  It’s just maddeningly uneven, overlong, and unfocused.  The actual on-screen title is WW84 by the way, and not the promoted Wonder Woman 84.  I’m not sure why that is, but WW84 is a lot easier to type than Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn), so it has that going for it.

Director Patty Jenkins (who also directed the much better first film) tries to juggle three main plots.  Any one of them on their own could’ve probably sustained a movie.  As it is, they’re all crammed together fighting for superiority.  The best of the plots finds Kristen Wiig as Barbara Minerva, a nerdy co-worker of Wonder Woman’s alter ego, Diana Prince (Gal Gadot).  She gets her hands on a wishing stone (it looks like a crystal dildo) and wishes to be more like Diana.  Naturally, she doesn’t realize Diana is Wonder Woman, so she winds up with a bunch of superpowers she didn’t count on, which she readily uses to get back at the male population.  Later on, she gets a second wish to be more predatory, which turns her into the catlike Cheetah.  Even though her character is a rehashing of Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman and Jim Carrey’s Riddler (or Jamie Foxx’s Electro as they all play dorky characters who are obsessed with the hero), Wiig does a fine enough job with what she was given.  However, all bets are off once she takes on the Cheetah persona as she basically looks like a refugee from Cats.

The return of Wonder Woman’s boyfriend, Steve Trevor (once again played by Chris Pine) could’ve worked if it wasn’t all so goofy.  Instead of returning to life, his spirit just inhabits the body of some random dude.  Whenever Wonder Woman (and the audience) looks at him, all she sees is Steve.  This could’ve been a fun idea if they had gone for an ‘80s Body Swap kind of vibe, but the filmmakers do fuck-all with the concept. 

The villain, Maxwell Lord (The Mandalorian’s Pedro Pascal) could’ve been great.  He starts off as kind of a riff on those “Power of Positive Thinking” hucksters before he gets caught up in all the wishing stone nonsense.  That wishing stone, it must be said, is probably the stupidest plot device in a modern-day superhero movie.  You know you’re in trouble when the villain winds up being the fucking Wishmaster. 

Not only that, but the “be careful what you wish for” lesson is childishly oversimplified.  In the end, people learn they should never ever wish for anything ever.  It’s as if the movie is saying, “Never strive for anything.  Accept mediocrity”, which is fitting because the movie is as mediocre as you can get.   

There is some good stuff here.  It’s nice to see Gadot and Pine back together as their chemistry is as charming as ever.  You just wish the material was strong enough that you had a reason to care (leftover goodwill from the first movie notwithstanding).  

The action is a bit of a mixed bag overall, but the opening flashback sequence is leagues better than anything that follows it.  It’s so good you almost wish they just stuck with the Young Wonder Woman Chronicles for the rest of the movie.  The Commando-inspired mall fight that kicks off the 84 scenes is goofy, but kinda fun too. 

After that sequence though, the film takes a nosedive in quality.  Much of the problem has to do with the constant juggling of plotlines.  Some unnecessary scenes run on forever while a few, seemingly crucial scenes are cut short (or possibly left on the cutting room floor altogether).  Wiig is fine, but her character is so one note that she never really stood a chance to be a memorable villain.  Things continue to spiral when the movie begins to favor Pascal’s plotline.  Although he admirably overacts, his scenes are so relentlessly corny that they begin making the ‘70s TV show look downright gritty in comparison.  The ending is particularly lame.

At two-and-a-half hours, WW84 is a tough sit.  It’s tonally out of whack and has too many moving parts that don’t quite fit.  The biggest problem is that other than the opening montage (which plays like a tribute to Superman 3, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that), there’s no real attempt to make it feel like 1984.  Heck, if you came in twenty minutes late, you’d never know it was supposed to take place in the ‘80s.  I’m not saying they have to bombard you with nostalgia every minute, but even Diana outfits feel way too contemporary. 

I have a feeling I would’ve been even more underwhelmed had I seen this on the big screen in middle of the summer (if there wasn’t a pandemic, that is).  Seeing it at home on HBO Max kind of softened the blow.  You almost sense that Warner Brothers and DC knew they had a turkey on their hands and decided to shuffle it to HBO. Really, WW84 should’ve been 86’ed altogether. 

AKA:  Wonder Woman 1984.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: CASTLE FREAK (2020) ***

This remake of the old Stuart Gordon flick begins in fine fashion with a sexy naked nun flagellating herself in an ancient castle.  Rebecca (Clair Catherine) receives word she’s inherited the castle, and she and her asshole boyfriend John (Jake Horowitz) go to check it out.  John just wants to sell it and get outta Dodge, but our blind heroine kinda digs it.  She soon finds out there is a misshapen thing lurking within the castle walls, but naturally, asshat doesn’t believe her.  Eventually, John’s friends (whose reckless behavior was a contributing factor in blinding Rebecca) come to the castle to party and it’s only a matter of time before our old freak crashes it.

The original had some pacing issues, but this one is even more extreme in regards to pace.  In fact, after the fun prologue, the next hour and fifteen minutes or so are pretty sluggish.  You also have to put up with a whole lot of overly annoying asshole characters.  Of course, they all wind up getting their just desserts, but it certainly does take a while.

The gratuitous nude and sex scenes that occasionally rear their head help to keep you watching throughout the draggy sections.  We are talking some heavy duty Skinamax stuff here.  I know this is a remake of a Charles Band film, but there are times when it feels closer to a Surrender Cinema flick than a Full Moon movie.  That, in case you were wondering, is a compliment. 

Things get progressively kinkier as it goes along too.  Not only do we have scenes involving the freak watching others participating in the sexual act, the freak itself even gets down and dirty with a freaky S & M sequence that is sure to make your jaw drop.  Yes folks, this remake puts just as much emphasis on “Freak” as it does “Castle,” if you know what I mean.

Although the first 4/5 of Castle Freak are slow and uneventful, hang in there because the last twenty minutes or so have to count as some of the wildest, sickest, twisted shit I have seen in a motion picture in some time.  Not only does the film find a way to put a fresh spin on the original during the third act, but the last scene is gloriously gross.  The final shot is so fiendishly fucked-up that it singlehandedly secured the flick a positive review, no matter how dawdling the first two acts were.  As bad as 2020 on the whole was, this scene alone is enough to give any jaded horror fan hope for the future.

In short, give this Castle Freak a shot and let your freak flag fly!

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: COLOR OUT OF SPACE (2020) **

After being fired from the much-maligned Island of Dr. Moreau, Richard Stanley gets another crack at adapting a beloved work of horror fiction with this Nicolas Cage-starring sci-fi/horror flick based on a tale by H.P. Lovecraft.  The story was also the basis of the 1987 shitfest, The Curse.  While Color Out of Space is leagues better than that dung heap, it still never quite kicks into overdrive. 

Cage stars as a family man who lives on an alpaca farm with his wife and three kids.  One night, a meteor crash lands in their yard, and pretty soon things start getting mighty peculiar down on the farm.  Before long, the meteor shit gets into the water and it starts having strange effects on the family members.  Cage admirably tries to keep the family together, even when the family starts… uh… coming together.

Stanley takes his time unfurling the premise.  This would be okay if he was merely building suspense, but there are a few too many unnecessary characters and subplots that sort of prevent the film from really getting into gear.  The stuff with the water-testing scientist (Elliot Knight) and the hippie freeloader (Tommy Chong) causes the first act to stall.  As David Keith did with The Curse, Stanley overdoes it with all the close-ups of the glasses of water to hammer home the fact that the water is no bueno. 

Once the colors (mainly pink and purple) start lighting up the farmhouse, Color Out of Space starts to settle into a decent rhythm.  The briefly seen monster effects are reminiscent of both The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness, and there’s a gooey sequence that will probably remind you of The Fly 2 as well.  I know Stanley was trying to show restraint here, but he really should’ve cranked up the weird monster shit to balance out the slow beginning.

The same goes for Cage.  Whenever he’s the upstanding father and husband, he just acts like your average guy.  Once the meteor shit hits the fan, he occasionally will step on the gas and hightail it to Cageland.  However, there isn’t quite enough Caginess to salvage the picture.  Then again, only a guy like Cage could take a line like, “It’s time to milk the alpacas!” and turn it into poetry.

Just when it looks like it’s ramping up, the film fizzles out just before it reaches the homestretch.  The fact that it runs nearly two hours certainly didn’t do it any favors either.  The colors are spiffy and all, but the movie itself ain’t very bright.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT (2020) **

Kevin Bacon stars as a rich dude with a shady past who needs to get away from it all.  He gets his much younger actress girlfriend (Amanda Seyfried) to book an airbnb in Wales, far away from prying eyes before she goes off to shoot her next movie.  Eventually he comes to realize the place has obvious plans for him, or as the creepy storekeeper in town says, “You don’t choose the house.  The house chooses you.”

You Should Have Left would’ve probably made a good Twilight Zone episode.  At ninety-three minutes, the premise is stretched out awfully thin.  In fact, it only starts to pick up steam in the third act, which is too little too late.  I mean, slow burn horror flicks can work if the script is strong.  This one isn’t bad.  It just doesn’t help matters when the first two acts test your patience and the finale is pretty much a foregone conclusion. 

The good performances help keep you invested throughout the picture, but honestly, writer-director David Koepp delivers more fizzle than sizzle, especially when it comes to the predictable ending.  I’m a huge fan of Bacon and Koepp’s previous collaboration, the unsung classic Stir of Echoes, and I was hoping this would be a reunion to remember.  However, the film hews closer to Koepp’s muddled Stephen King adaptation Secret Window in terms of quality.  You Should Have Left contains a lot of thematic elements that Koepp already mined rather thoroughly in those aforementioned films, and it’s a shame he couldn’t find something new to say.

The real star is the house.  Filled with long ominous hallways, a foreboding atmosphere, and an ever-changing geography, it certainly is one of the more original looking haunted houses in recent horror films.  Even though the two leads give solid performances, it’s the house who steals the show.  Too bad the lights are on, but no one’s home.