THE BLACK ROOM (1983) ** ½

Larry (Jimmy Stathis) is a family man who is perpetually getting cockblocked by his bratty kids every time he tries to make love to his hot wife Robin (Clara Perryman).  His solution:  Rent a guest room in the Hollywood Hills so he can bang hitchhikers and hookers on the down low.  Little does Larry know his kooky landlords, a creepy brother-sister duo named Jason (Stephen Knight) and Bridget (Cassandra Gava), are photographing all his sordid trysts.  Even worse, they’re using his conquests for their bizarre blood transfusions to keep Jason alive.  Things become even more complicated when Robin discovers his secret and begins making her own secret rendezvous with Jason.

The Black Room is an interesting near-miss as it’s more arty than exploitative.  It’s also more concerned with the characters and what makes them tick than it is with putting the screws to the audience.  That would be okay if it actually stuck the landing.  (The open-ended finale is kind of drawn out and a bit of a letdown.)  The scenes of the brother and sister’s photography sessions feel inspired by Blow-Up and the scenes inside the titular abode look like something out of a Jose Ramon Larraz movie. 

Stathis makes for a boring lead, but Perryman is much more well-rounded and personable than most of the wives you find in an ‘80s horror-thriller.  The same goes for Gava (who you will probably recognize as the witch from Conan the Barbarian), who far outshines the unmemorable Knight.  I also enjoyed seeing Linnea Quigley popping up late in the game in a small role, and a young Christopher McDonald also appears.

The black room itself is really the star though.  Draped in black velvet, surrounded by candles, and sporting a sweet glowing coffee table, it has a lot of personality.  Robert Harmon, the future director of the classic The Hitcher, was the director of photography, and he did a fine job of giving the room a sinister vibe.  Too bad many of the goings on that occur there are brief and not very steamy. 

Co-director Norman Thaddeus Vane also helmed Frightmare, which was released the same year.

FATAL GAMES (1984) **

Students sequestered at a New England sports academy are training to compete in the Olympics.  Even though the whole place is built around getting the athletes prepared for the Summer Games, it takes a while for the grown-ups to realize that so many of the teens are missing.  As it turns out, there is a Mad Javelin Thrower running amuck on campus who is hell-bent on turning the athletes into human shish kabobs. 

Fatal Games is frontloaded with a ton of nudity, which leads the viewer to believe this will be some sort of slasher movie classic.  There are sex scenes, sauna scenes, and lots of shower scenes.  We even get some implied lesbianism courtesy of a handsy masseuse (played by future Oscar nominee Sally Kirkland).  ‘80s B-movie fans will spot Brinke Stevens in the shower and probably be able to pick up on the fact that Linnea Quigley was used as a body double for the lead actress.  Too bad the skin gets so slim in the second half.

I will say that the filmmakers did a good job of making the actors look like legitimate athletes.  I don’t know if they actually went out and got real gymnasts, runners, and swimmers (which may be the case because they ain’t great actors), but they certainly look the part while they are participating in the sports-heavy sequences.  The opening montage set to a great ‘80s tune “Take It All the Way”, is pretty good too.

The first couple of javelin murders are well done.  However, they quickly wear out their welcome and become increasingly repetitive as the movie goes on.  I mean there is only so much you can do with such a clumsy weapon of choice.  They do at least TRY to spice things up courtesy of the hilarious UNDERWATER JAVELIN MURDER scene.  I just wish there was more of that nutty spirit throughout the rest of the film.

After that hilarious moment, the movie unfortunately goes on autopilot.  The final third is especially draggy.  Even the big plot twist falls a little flat and the eventual Final Girl confrontation goes on far too long.  The killer gets a fitting demise, but overall, Fatal Games falls short of slasher movie gold. 

AKA:  Olympic Nightmare.  AKA:  The Killing Touch. 

GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR (2019) ** ½

Don (Phil Brooks, AKA:  professional wrestler C.M. Punk) moves to the suburbs and buys an old house with a sordid history.  (It was formerly a house of ill repute.)  His task is to renovate the place before his pregnant wife (Trieste Kelly Dunn) joins him in their new home.  While sprucing up the joint, Don encounters a sexy young girl (Sarah Brooks), who naturally seduces him.  When she refuses to go away, it threatens Don’s already shaky marriage.

Girl on the Third Floor is an interesting amalgam of a haunted house film and a psycho stalker chick movie.  (Otherwise known as a “Man Gets in Trouble by Thinking with His Dick flick”.)  Director Travis Stevens steals bits from haunted house classics such as The Changeling (a ball bounces ominously down a flight of stairs), House (there’s a misshapen, cackling zombie woman), and The Amityville Horror (lots of mysterious black goop on the wall).  While it all doesn’t quite gel as a whole, he proves to be technically proficient when it comes to creating atmosphere and mood in such a claustrophobic environment. 

The game performance by Phil Brooks holds it all together.  The scenes of him screaming, performing emergency self-surgery, and being covered in all manner of glop, slime, and grossness play like his audition tape for the role of Ash in the next Evil Dead reboot (which I would probably pay to see, given the fact that Brooks is so entertaining in this flick).  The other Brooks in the cast, Sarah, does a great job as the seemingly innocent seductress that is more deadly than she initially appears.  She has a Rachel Nichols quality about her that is winning, even if she isn’t all that menacing once all the chips are down.

Brooks, Phil, that is, does a remarkable job considering it’s a one man show throughout much of the movie.  So much so that the scenes without him pale in comparison.  The third act is weak and predictable, and that’s probably what held me back from giving it a full *** rating.  However, Brooks shows enough promise here to make me want to check out whatever he does next. 

OUT OF BOUNDS (1986) * ½

Out of Bounds seems like an ‘80s Hollywood pitch meeting gone wrong.  It’s as if there were two execs in the room, one who wanted a John Hughes-style teenage movie and the other wanted a violent action flick in the vein of Walter Hill.  The final product plays like a compromise between both genres, but it’s neither fish nor fowl, making for a frustrating viewing experience.

Anthony Michael Hall stars as a green farm boy who is shipped off to live with his big brother in L.A.  While at the airport, he mistakenly grabs the wrong bag at the luggage carousel, which contains a million dollars’ worth of heroin.  If you’ve already asked yourself why a drug dealer would fly with that much heroin on him, you’re already too smart for this movie. 

Almost immediately, the drug dealer (Jeff Kober) tracks down the brother and mistakenly kills him and his wife.  He didn’t find Hall because he sleeps in a cottage in the backyard hidden behind a hedge that looks like it was made by Q in the James Bond films.  You see, the plot contrivances are getting to be too much already. 

Then, while being chased by the cops (who think he killed his own brother), Hall pulls a gun on a passing motorcyclist who gives him a ride.  Luckily for Hall, this guy is some sort of motorcycle stuntman as he is able to narrowly avoid objects at high speeds, crash through false fronts, and make giant leaps off conveniently placed ramps, leading to a big police car pile-up. 

If that’s too much to swallow, I won’t even tell you about how Hall is able to track down the girl he made small talk with on the plane.  Or how he’s able to blend in at a punk show with dyed black hair and leather jacket. 

From here, the movie devolves into one interchangeable shootout after the other.  Hall is cornered by Kober, and as he is about to shoot him, dumb luck intervenes and Hall escapes by the skin of his teeth.  Variations of this scenario are repeated ad nauseum until the whole thing becomes tedious.

The director was Richard Tuggle, whose only other directorial effort was the excellent Clint Eastwood thriller, Tightrope.  He also wrote Tightrope, which leads me to believe his heart really wasn’t in this one as the screenplay by Tony (Slipstream) Kayden is just too farfetched for its own good.  Maybe if Tuggle was working with a script of his own design (or one that didn’t completely hinge on the audience’s suspension of disbelief), it might’ve made for a tighter picture.  As it stands, Out of Bounds is bound to disappoint even the most die-hard of Anthony Michael Hall fans.

TERM LIFE (2016) ***

Vince Vaughn (who also produced) stars as Nick, a career criminal who makes his living by planning heists.  Because of the nature of his job, he has to keep a safe distance from his rebellious teenage daughter, Cate (Hailee Steinfeld).  When his latest caper ends with the death of the leader of the Mexican drug cartel's son, Nick has to skip town in a hurry.  The bad guys are after his daughter too, so Nick grabs Cate and together, they go on the lam.  Thinking he’s a dead duck, Nick takes a big insurance policy out on himself with Cate as the beneficiary.  The only problem is, he has to stay alive for the next three weeks in order for Cate to collect. 

Directed by Peter Billingsley (Ralphie from A Christmas Story) and based on a graphic novel I never heard of, Term Life is a breezy little crime flick that coasts on the charm and charisma of its two leads.  Sporting a terrible haircut (which he explains helps him blend in in a crowd), Vaughn dials it down a notch and gives his usual persona a paternal spin.  He and Steinfeld have a nice rapport and their chemistry helps the film over some of its narrative hiccups. 

Said hiccups occur mostly during the third act, which feels rushed and a tad anticlimactic.  I don’t know if the studio cut a bunch of scenes out or what, but it certainly feels choppier than the first seventy-five minutes or so.  The awkward narration also tries to cover some of the plot conveniences, although it’s really not enough to derail the movie or anything. 

The supporting cast is solid all the way through.  Jonathan Banks has some good scenes as Vaughn’s mentor.  Vaughn’s Swingers co-star Jon Favreau is pretty funny as the guy who bankrolls his heists.  Even small, throwaway roles are played by big names like Taraji P. Henson, Terrence Howard, and Mike Epps, which again leads me to believe they might’ve had larger roles that fell victim to the editing table.  Bill Paxton, an actor I usually love, is a bit miscast and one-note as the villain, but that’s more the screenplay’s fault than his.  Still, whenever Vaughn and Steinfeld are family bonding while dodging bullets, Term Life pays off big time. 

AKA:  Nick and Cate.

MA (2019) ***

A lot of horror movies preach about the dangers of teenage drinking, drug use, and premarital sex.  Most of them wait until the teenagers are already drunk, stoned, and deflowered before the horror starts.  This one begins in the parking lot of the liquor store as the clueless teens pester passersby to buy them alcohol.  If you’ve ever stood outside a liquor store and begged strangers to buy you booze as a kid, I’m sure there will be moments in Ma that will hit home for you. 

Sue Ann (Octavia Spencer), the lonely, middle-aged woman who buys the teens their hooch, offers them a proposition.  They can hang out in her basement where they will be supervised, and she’ll make sure they are okay to drive at the end of the night.  It seems like a good set-up until the privileged brats learn Sue Ann has an ulterior motive. 

Ma is a modernized take on the “From Hell” school of ‘90s thrillers.  This time, it’s the adopted den mother who turns out to be a twisted psycho.  Most of the tension comes from people who don’t pick up on social cues or overstay their welcome.  Sometimes though, that shit is scarier than a slasher with a knife.

Director Tate Taylor has had an interesting career.  He’s made box office hits (The Help, which also starred Spencer), biopics (Get on Up), thrillers (The Girl on the Train), and action flicks (Ava).  The films of his I have seen have all been slick and competently done, and while they aren’t classics or anything, I like the fact that he doesn’t seem to be beholden to one particular genre.

It doesn’t hurt that the film is stacked from top to bottom with talent.  Spencer does a fine job as the off-her-rocker Samaritan with sinister intentions.  We also have a solid turn by Juliette Lewis who plays the heroine’s mother.  There’s also Luke Evans and Missi Pyle as Lewis’ former high school friends who hit the right notes in the short time they’re on screen.  Allison Janney is a hoot too as Spencer’s bitchy boss.

The movie isn’t as successful once it veers into full-on horror in the last reel.  Once Sue Ann starts to finally get her revenge, it feels sort of rushed.  Like they needed a big horror climax or else people wouldn’t know it was a Blumhouse production.  Despite that, it’s a slick and solidly made horror thriller that gives Spencer an opportunity to chew the scenery. 

AKA:  Mama.

THE 2020 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Well, folks.  We made it through 2020.  It was a pretty shitty year all the way around, but we somehow came through the other side of it.  What better way to celebrate than with the 14^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards?  Once again, we will be honoring the best (and not-so best) films of the past year. 

It was not a good year for movies.  Theaters shuttered their doors.  Studios dumped what crap they had on VOD and greedily held onto the big-ticket films, pushing their release dates further and further into the future.  Who knows when we’ll get to see the movies that were SUPPOSED to come out in 2020?  Warner Bros. was the big exception as they have begun to roll out their titles to home viewers via HBO Max.  Hopefully, other studios will follow suit.  If they don’t, 2021 might be a longer year than 2020. 

Speaking of long years, let us now announce the nominees for the 14^th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!  It was not a stellar year for films.  The nominees sort of reflect that, but hey, I did my damnedest to find some pearls among oysters.  So, without further ado, here are your nominees…

Best Picture

Bad Boys for Life

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

1BR

Skin:  A History of Nudity in the Movies

Trailer Trauma V:  70s Action Attack!

Worst Picture

Amityville Island

Books of Blood

The Invisible Man

Lucky

The Wretched

Best Director

Adil and Bilall for Bad Boys for Life

Dave Wilson for Bloodshot

Jason Woliner for Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

David Marmor for 1BR

Peter Berg for Spenser Confidential

Best Actor

Vin Diesel in Bloodshot

Tom Hardy in Capone

Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys for Life

Marky Mark in Spenser Confidential

Will Smith in Bad Boys for Life

Best Actress

Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Nicole Brydon Bloom in 1BR

Blake Lively in The Rhythm Section

Kira Reed Lorsch in Amityville Witches

Elisabeth Moss in Shirley

Best Action Movie

Bad Boys for Life

Bloodshot

The Rhythm Section

Spenser Confidential

VFW

Worst Action Movie

Extraction

Guns Akimbo

Hard Kill

Rogue

Welcome to Sudden Death

Best DTV/Streaming Movie

The Bee Gees:  How Can You Mend a Broken Heart

Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Castle Freak

Class Action Park

1BR

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie

Amityville Island

Books of Blood

Grand Isle

Lucky

Tremors:  Shrieker Island

Worst Horror Movie

Amityville Island

Lucky

The Invisible Man

Books of Blood

The Wretched

Best Dialogue

The Babysitter:  Killer Queen for “Plan B is more than a pill I take on Saturdays.”

Color Out of Space for “It’s time to milk the alpacas!”

Corona Zombies for “News?  Ewws!”

VFW for “Hindsight is 20/20!”

Werewolf Island for “It was a gnarly, unreal entity!”

I’ll announce the winners (as well as hold the “Technical Awards”) sometime around Valentine’s Day.  Till then, take care, stay safe, wear your mask, and watch some movies!